I'm pushed into an outdoor pen by an unfamiliar face. Nothing is said, or nothing I take note or at least. I'm fighting against my own mind. My own absolute terror of everything. Of the feeling of powerlessness. Of the feeling of dread and grief. I barely glance around at my pen mates. I know who they are. The written off Saviors. The ones that Simon was quick to let die.

I find an empty space and sit facing the wall of the fence. I let my mind go over the past twenty-four hours. Finding my way back to Negan. Learning about Carl. Letting myself be distracted by Negan for the briefest of moments. And then, this. Everything seemed helpless. Everything.

Morning dawned. In the harsh light of the sun, the damage was shocking. The dead, the madness of the night before in sharp relief. Or it would be, if I paid any attention to it. I hear the pen opening. I hear a voice call a prisoner over. And then I hear nothing other than the static of the voices of my pen mates.

They may have tried to engage me in conversation. They might have asked me questions. I didn't acknowledge any of them. I was replaying my memories. Of Carl. Of Negan. Of Judith. Of Dad. Of Lori. Of Daryl. They were a mix tape of images rushing through my head. I'd lost everything. For nothing. And I'd sit here until death finally found me. Quiet and alone. Even if I was surrounded by people.

I feel arms around me and I struggle. I fight, wanting to be alone with my memories, untouched by whomever dared place their hands on me, but then I hear the voice and I turn into the arms. Letting the comfort offered roll over me. Letting Carol pull me out of the pen and away from the static.

I'm sitting inside a huge brick building. The only real building I've seen on the property. And Carol is knelt in front of me and I'm fighting to hear her. Fighting against the static.

"Jessi?" Finally I hear her and sigh. "Honey, how did you get here?"

"Simon." My lips barely move. "He-Negan's-" I stop, closing my eyes against the flood of pain threatening to drown me.

"Jessi?" Dad's next to Carol and I open my eyes and see him standing there looking down on me and I search for the blame. I look for disappointment or his anger and rage for me and my choices. I can't see any, but maybe he has a mask now too. "Sweetheart," he's on his knees next to Carol and he's taken my hand. "How?"

I bite my lip and my eyes pool with tears. I expected condemnation. I expected frustration or anger. Not worry. "Simon." Still my lips feel numb. "He," I take a deep breath. "Negan's dead."

I catch a look flash across Dad's face, but I can't read it. "He brought you here?" He pushed past whatever he was thinking. "Why?"

And I remember why he left me. "The arrows-" I gulp, feeling the bile rise in my throat as I see that we've gathered more of my family around me. "They're tainted." And I see the confusion flash on their faces. And they listen as I tell them what I figured out. What Simon planned. What my role would have been.

Dad's pulled me into a hug once I've said all I could manage. And I close my eyes at the feeling of my daddy holding me. "Carl left you a letter." He breathes into my hair. "I have it upstairs."

I nod, feeling my eyes overflow. "Judith?" And then Daryl is there, handing my baby sister to me as Dad releases me. I hold her tight and breathe her sweet baby scent in. My little one, my purpose again. "Oh, I missed you." I kiss her curls as she holds onto my neck like she remembers me. "I missed you so much, my little Jude." I feel Daryl's eyes on me, but I can't, not yet.

"You said that the arrows were tainted?" Carol asks, and I nod. "What about the other weapons?"

"I have to think that they were." I answer, my cheek pressed against Judith's head. "It wouldn't make sense to shoot arrows sight unseen into the void, and not use taint the regular weapons too." I rock Judith and go toward an open window. I can see digging in the distance. Graves. "I can't be positive." I don't want people to die on a hunch. "He wanted me to beg to die, and he wanted me in a pile of bodies. Since-"

"Our body count wasn't high enough to make that make sense." Maggie's voice offered and I nodded as I held Judith and faced the window. "They wouldn't taint every weapon either, not necessarily. Just in case we listened." I nearly laughed. Knew me so well, and them too.

"It's possible." I replied. "I wasn't privy to planning."

"Course ya weren't." Daryl, coming to my defense, reading my lack of knowledge as my lack of treason. "No one thinks ya did anythin' against us."

I couldn't hold back a harsh laugh. Really? "I think we know that's a lie, Daryl." I said to the window. "I was in Alexandria a time or two, remember?" Silence descended. "It doesn't matter, does it?" I turned and saw the worry flicker across some faces that I could have sworn knew me best. "I'm here. I told you what I DO know. I'm at YOUR mercy now."

Dad and Michonne found me upstairs with Judith. Maggie and Glenn had given me a tour, which I took with my little sister tucked in my arms, and showed me to the room she was staying in. The room that I'd be staying in.

"Jessi," Michonne came up and wrapped both me and Judith in a hug. "I'm incredibly happy to see you back." I could see in her eyes, as she pulled back the pain of losing Carl. They'd grown closer as we lived in closer quarters in Alexandria. She knew what lines existed for us, where Lori and her roles were concerned and she was careful of them.

"Thank you." It was stilted, I knew, but the truth was I'd experienced a second loss that I couldn't share with her or Dad. Or anyone in this community. I felt Negan's loss acutely and I knew that grief wouldn't be welcome here.

She took Judith from my arms and Dad pulled a creased envelope from his pocket. My name, in Carl's untidy scrawl stared up at me daring me to take it. "I told him he needed to practice his penmanship more." My eyes were burning and so was my throat. "He told me that it didn't matter, no one cared what your handwriting looked like in an apocalypse." I sniffed, staring at the paper, running my finger over the ink.

"We'll let you have some time to read it." Dad offered. Hugging me to him again, and kissing my forehead. "I love you, baby girl."

I nodded and waited until I heard the door close behind them to pull the letter free.

Jessi-

Remember when I wanted to ride your bike before I got to kindergarten and you said I'd get hurt, but I showed you that I was already nearly your height? You gave in, helped me onto the seat, and held on until I got the hang of it. You never let me get hurt. You never have and you never will.

All my memories, all the good and some of the bad have you in them. You, making sure that I was alright. Giving me blood. Giving me time. Giving me patience when I didn't deserve it. You even, when push came to shove, gave your life for us. And I blamed you.

I blamed you for leaving us. I blamed you for being with Negan instead of coming home. I blamed you for not answering when Dad asked if you could come home. I blamed you for so much, Jessi, and I was wrong.

Negan asked me if I was always blind, and I think we all were. Where you were concerned anyway. I never watched to see how YOU were doing. I never checked to see if you needed me. Needed a shoulder. Needed an ear. Needed me to take away your hurt. It hurt a bit to see that Negan saw it and I didn't.

You wanted it to stop, didn't you? Not just the fighting. Not just to save Glenn. You wanted IT to stop. Life. The daily burden of taking all of our pain and fear from us and all the heaping piles of danger. You didn't know, you couldn't have known that he wouldn't kill you. You thought he would, didn't you? You thought he'd kill you in front of us, a life for a life, and we'd realize that with you gone we could figure out how to make peace.

I learned compassion from you, Jessi, or at least how to keep my humanity during the terror that we woke up in. I found it too late. My lesson came far too late, but I learned it. I've asked Dad, and Negan, to find a path to peace. It's you. You're the path to peace. He loves you. And Dad loves you. If anyone can bridge the gap, it's you. After all, Jessi, we'd have all lost every bit of our hope if you hadn't been with us for so long.

I wish I could have said this to you in person. I wish I could have hugged you and said goodbye to you, told you that I was sorry. I looked at you with anger the last time I saw you. I know you saw it. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I should have seen that you were breaking. I should have seen that my big sister needed me as much as I needed her. And I'm leaving this world without making peace with you. I'm sorry, Jessi. I'm sorry that I won't be with you and Judith as you teach her everything you taught me. I'm sorry that I don't get to hug you goodbye. I'm sorry.

Remember that time, after church at grandma's and the dog? Her neighbor's puppies that we were so happy about, and the one got loose and ran into the street? I rushed after it, and you came after me and pushed both me and the puppy out of the way of a car? You've been pushing me out of the path of every danger you could see coming, Jessi, so don't blame yourself for this one. I died saving someone else. I became you. And I love you for that.

Love-Carl

My face was so damp with tears that I felt like I had dunked my head in a tub of water. Carl, when did you become me, I wondered. Smiling through my tears at his words. He forgave me. He loved me. And he believed in me. I wish, I thought, folding up a letter that would stay with me for the rest of my life, that he had been right about Dad and Negan.