I'm still upstairs when Daryl finds me. Standing at the window, staring at the digging of graves I have to wonder if they're making extras. I can feel him watching me, even if he's as silent as he's ever been. I can sense that he has more questions than I care to answer. I know he's hoping that I'm still the woman he fell in love with, the one who takes the pain from everyone, their guilt, their worries.
When I turn around, he's leaning against the closed door. His hair's too shaggy. He looks tired and dirty, but he looks like Daryl, too. The Daryl that I fell in love with, the man who I told Negan I would never forget. The mere thought of Negan causes me to flinch with the pain of losing him, and Daryl sees it, and moves forward.
"Please don't." My voice is quiet, rough from sobbing. "I know you want to ask me about it, Daryl, but can I have some time?" I can see the pain in his eyes from me stopping his progress toward me, the uncertainty at my request. "I'll tell you, soon, I promise." I just need time, I plead internally, time for it to not be so raw.
"Anything ya need, Jessi." He answers, and my heart clenches. I'm going to break him apart when I tell him. I'm going to make the softness in his eyes for me turn hard. I'm going to see the look of betrayal flash. And I'm going to have to bear it all alone.
He leaves, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy and I slide down the wall beside the window to the floor. Why am I here? Why am I staying? For Judith, I remind myself. For my little sister, the only sibling I have left, the one I'd promised myself to keep innocent of the realities of our world for as long as possible. I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the wall. I had to find strength in her. Otherwise, I'd fall to pieces and retreat into myself. She had to matter more than my grief. More than my pain. More than my heart shattering.
Maggie comes upstairs with Judith in her arms. I'm still against the wall, still lost in my own thoughts. Carl's words swimming together with the last time I saw Negan. His promise to return to me morphing into Carl's wish for peace and certainty that I was the key.
"Hey," she's quiet, and it reminds me of the wife that had greeted me at the Sanctuary. Wary, as though I'm a caged animal. I look up and see a tiny smile on her lips. "Thought you'd like to have her back."
My arms reach up automatically and I smile when Judith practically leaps into them. Sitting her facing me, letting her play with my long braid, I memorize the changes that I hadn't when Negan had given me the time with her in Alexandria. Her curls were getting so long. Her pout getting fuller. And those eyes. Dear Lord, she had Carl's eyes.
"Never got a chance to thank you." Maggie was still here, sitting cross legged across from me.
"Didn't need to." I answer, making a face at Judith to see if she'd laugh. She does and I feel a sliver of peace. "How's the baby?" I remember the whole reason for her coming to Hilltop, the lack of their doctor, that I'm sure she's still angry with Negan over.
"We're good, Jessi." I know she's studying me. I know that she's looking for changes in me. "Glenn's alive because of you." As though I need reminding. "Why did you-"
I glance up and see it. The question that is on every single one of their minds. Why did I offer my life? "I wanted to die, and I was too cowardly to do it myself." She flinches, and I shrug. Don't ask if you don't want to know.
"Do you know-" she starts and I know the second question on everyone's minds. Why didn't he kill me?
My eyes meet hers. "Why didn't Negan kill me?" Her smile is gone. "He saw something that no one else did." Another shrug from me, if I pretend it isn't a big deal, perhaps she'll spread the word and I won't have to answer it again.
She leaves soon after. Alone with Judith, bouncing her slightly on my lap, I wait. I know that my visitors have only just begun. I tell my baby sister stories that I'd once told Carl. About bunnies and deer, about princesses, the thought of the word alone makes me flinch and I can hear Negan's voice, and princes and castles. I tell her stories about Lori, about Dad, about Carl, and about BEFORE.
"Remember," Dad's voice cuts in as I'm telling her about Carl's favorite game, "remember when the two of you fought over the hiding spot so loudly that the neighborhood kids found you before you even knew the counting was over?" I chuckle and glance up. "I'm sorry." I have no idea what the apology is for, so I say nothing. "Jessi, I'm sorry that-" he closes his eyes, and I watch as he rubs his face with his hand and my heart lurches at the now familiar gesture. "It's-"
"It's fine." I answer, hearing pain in my own voice. Pain that I'm not sure he can decide the source of, because I'm not sure he wants to know. "I'm fine."
"Are you?" He's moved to sit beside me, under the window. "You look better than-"
"Yeah," I nod. "I'm better," even if my heart is in tatters. "Weirdest therapist in the history of therapy, but I'm better." I see a flash of Negan across from me on the sofa in his apartment, dimples peeking at me, eyes dark.
"You went to the Kingdom." Carol told him, of course, or maybe Ezekiel. I don't answer. "Why-"
Judith has grown tired and is cradled against my chest, and I feel her sucking on her fist. "I didn't think I'd be very welcome in Alexandria." My hand is on the back of Judith's head, sliding through her curls with my fingers, soothing both of us.
"Jessi," I can hear his pain, but I shake it off. I can't, not anymore. "They didn't-"
"Trust me?" My voice stays quiet, I will keep my promise to keep Judith safe. "Understand why?" I give a soft snort. "Yeah, I know."
I hear him sigh. "You're staying." It's not a question, it's a command. And I nod.
When Dad leaves, I put Judith down on the bed in the room and lay beside her. Her tiny body, relaxed in sleep, is entirely precious to me. I watch as she makes a sucking motion with her mouth, and smile. I will die before she knows how cruel the world can be. Or I will prepare her so she won't be broken by it, not like I was.
I fall asleep with her near me. I let my exhaustion take over, my hand on her stomach, the steady rise and fall of her breathing lulling me into a more peaceful rest than I'd had since the first time Negan and I made love.
The screams wake me up, Judith's startled awake and is wailing. I pull her to me, and know, without a doubt that it's begun. The infected have risen, and they have started to create the havoc that Simon was so gleeful about. I move toward the door, trying to soothe Judith's screams, while trying to see if I can lock us in. I can hear it, as I get closer, the turning of the handle and I hope against hope that this isn't the end.
Morning dawns and the carnage is extensive. One of the wounded was in the main house. A house that Judith and I were in, and he had attacked the people sleeping on the main floor. Another wounded had run rampant in the infirmary, and now the doctor and an assistant are dead as well. More graves, more fear.
I watch from the upstairs window as they dig. As the bodies of the dead are laid to rest. As more and more death surrounds us. We'd been lucky, Judith and I, the person who opened the bedroom door, had been friend and not unthinking monster. Not everyone was so lucky.
When I finally go downstairs, I learn that Tara has been wounded. I listen, leaning against the wall as she says she's made peace with her fate. When Daryl sees me, I meet his gaze and I know what's needed. Me and Pandora. Hope.
I hand Judith to him and take Tara for a walk. She looks slightly uncomfortable with me at first and I push that aside. I can't deal with my own feelings about someone not knowing me or my motives, not when she seems so keen to die.
"Denise?" I start, and I see her flinch. I'm sure I do the same when Negan's mentioned, or alluded to. "I know what that kind of loss makes a person think." I can feel her eyes focus on me. "It makes you think about how sweet your reunion will be. Even if you're not religious, even if you didn't believe in the afterlife before, there's that pull to join them." We're still walking, but I can tell her attention is focused on me. "Because even if there's NOTHING after you leave this world, it has to be better than the pain." I can hear it, lurking in the darkness of my own mind, the yearning to join him or it. "Tara?"
She's stopped moving, standing beside me looking out of the gate. "Jessi?"
"Would she want you to give up?" I ask, as inside I'm asking myself the same question about Negan. About Carl. About Lori. "Would Denise think that this world would be better off if you were gone, even if it meant you'd be with her?" Would they? Would they want me to join them, or the darkness, or would they want me to fight?
Our eyes were focused on the landscape, but we were silent. I'd given Tara something to consider, and I'd given myself something to think about too.
When I make my way back to the main house, I see Daryl holding Judith on the porch and watching me. Climbing the steps, I open my arms and grin when she leaps toward me again. "She missed ya." He's still quiet and unsure with me. "We all did."
I close my eyes, fighting the urge to remind him that I'm not blind. "I missed her too." I leave it at that. I can't. Not yet. "I think Tara heard me." I offer, letting him know I did my part. "She's got to make her own mind up, though."
I can feel his eyes on me, but I've turned to look out over the community. "Ya were always good at it." I nod. I know. "Maybe I shouldn't of asked-"
I shake my head. "Everyone has a purpose, Daryl." And I turn to the door and offer, "this is mine." I walk inside, bouncing Judith and focusing on her again.
I learn later, after I've put Judith down for her nap, that Ezekiel's adopted son Henry has run off. I learn that some of the prisoners have escaped. And I find out that Dad and Morgan have gone after the prisoners, while Carol has gone in search of Henry. Ezekiel, feeling that I should be given more information, tells me this as I lean against the banister of the porch.
"I'm used to it, you know?" I ask, as he stands beside me. "Them scattering without a glance back, without a goodbye."
He's nodding, but he tries to reassure me. "I'm sure they-"
"Don't even think about the possibility that they could NOT come back?" I turn to face him. "With death lurking around every corner, do you think that's a great strategy?" I watch him study me. "Has Dad told you about our mom?" I wonder how much my dad has told his allies about our past. His eyes tell me he hasn't. "She died giving birth to Judith, in a prison that we took for sanctuary." The word nearly chokes me. "She died, surrounded by dead walking around like puppets for blood and flesh, and Carl-" I swallow back the pain of his name. "He had to put her down. He was ten." I can see the discomfort on his face. "Dad NEVER got to say goodbye to her, Ezekiel. And he was tormented by it. He hallucinated her presence. He heard her voice on a silent phone. He nearly went insane from it." I turned back to face out toward the domestic scene of people working to rebuild. "You'd think at least he would understand, wouldn't you?"
