I keep losing myself with taking care of Judith. Feeling her tiny body in my arms, doing the most menial parts of childcare, it all feels like heaven. I love her so much that it nearly replaces the pain and grief that are now my constant companions.
I'm playing peek a boo with her when Michonne comes into the room. Judith's giggles are like music and my smile is the widest it's been since I arrived. "You look beautiful smiling like that." I look up at her and my smile holds. "But you're keeping yourself holed up in here, Jessi."
I shake my head and blow a raspberry to get the giggles up and going again. "I'm getting accustomed to it, Michonne." It being my real purpose here. Judith. "Were you with him?" I know she knows I mean Carl.
"Yes," she sits on the foot of the bed. "I was with him. We all were." It cuts me deep. All of them, except me.
"Ah." I keep my attention on Judith's face. "Did he-" I closed my eyes trying to ask it. Did he suffer? Do I really want to know?
Her hand touches mine, forcing me to glance up at her. "No." She shakes her head. "He greeted it just like you tried to."
I look back down at my little sister. "No, he greeted it like it was what had to happen. I greeted Negan as someone suicidal." Let's not sugarcoat it. "I wish-"
"He did, too." She whispers, and I wonder what Carl said before he died. What he told them, what they heard him ruminate about. "Rick hasn't," I look up at her, what hasn't my dad done? "He hasn't read his letter."
I can feel the confusion flash across my face. He'd told Negan- "When he contacted Negan," I felt my face flinch at the name and she noticed. "When he told him about Carl, that was, it was from what Carl told us, what was in Negan's letter."
"You read it?" I asked, letting Judith grab my hand and bring it to her mouth.
"Yes," I could hear the hesitation in her voice. "I read all of them." Mine too, I thought.
"Oh." So she knew. Or she suspected. "Since he's dead, I guess it doesn't matter anymore." I meant Negan, and she knew it.
Her hand touches mine, the one not being gnawed on by Judith. "Maybe not to the conflict, but I think it matters to you." I sigh. "You can tell me anything, Jessi, you know that, right?"
I give a little huff of laughter. "Can I?" My eyes meet hers. "Are you going to be alright if I tell you that he pulled me from the darkness that I found solace in? Are you going to be OK with the thought that I found comfort with him and in his arms? Comfort that my own people didn't see I needed? That I WANTED him to kill me, in front of all of you, so it would STOP. The 'conflict', the pain, the mimicry that I was living." I saw her gaze never falter. "Will you be alright if I tell you I love him? That he loved me, just like Carl realized? That he died, and Carl's gone, and now I'm ALONE even if I'm surrounded by people? That Judith is the only company I want because she doesn't look at me with questions in her eyes or judgement? Is that what you wanted me to share, Michonne?"
I can feel the tears running freely down my face, but I don't brush them away. I don't care. Let her see it. The pain, the grief, the absolute heartbreak that I'm feeling. "Oh, Jessi," and then she pulls me to her and is hugging me as Judith is still sucking on my hand. "Yes, sweetheart, that's what I want you to share with me. You can't bottle it up, not anymore." She pulls back and brushes those ever present errant hair away from my face. "No masks, Jessica Grimes. Not anymore."
Michonne gives me space. She's given me the same comfort that I realize that Carl had found with her. And I am happy that Dad found her. That they're a couple. That they have love even if I feel alone.
Dad comes in a while later. He watches from the doorway as I hold Judith at the window, pointing out things to her as she pulls on my braid. He comes up beside me and untangles her fist from my hair. She looks up at him and grins. He takes her from me and sits on the bed. I lean against the wall beside the window and watch them.
"She missed you," he says, pulling silly faces so she giggles.
"I've heard." I answer, smiling as he does the same dad things that I watched him do with Carl, and I knew he'd perfected with me. "I also heard," I moved over and sat beside him. "That you haven't read your letter." My hand strokes Judith's curls and she turns her head to scrunch her nose up at me.
"I-" I can hear the pain in his voice. "It's not that simple, Jessi."
"Sure it is, Dad." I reply, looking up into his watery blue eyes. "You read Negan's, right?" I don't even stumble on his name this time, and I've almost managed to stop flinching. He's staring at me. "I heard, when you-"
He gulps, and I smile at him. "I-" I sigh.
"It's fine. I'm FINE." I repeat. "If you could read his, then yours should be even easier." I stare at him, watching him flinch and I know what the issue is. "He wouldn't have blamed you, Daddy. That's not Carl, it never was, not really." I know that they had issues early on, when Carl's hardness was at its peak. "He forgave me." I whisper.
"There was nothing to forgive, Jessi." I blink away the tears threatening to blur my vision again. "You-" He stops, Judith is starting to fuss and I open my arms to take her back. Once she's cuddled against my chest, he closes his eyes and tries again. "You saved Glenn. You-"
"Wanted to die, Dad." I finish for him. "I wanted to die so badly, that after I watched him kill Abraham in the most gruesome and horrible way, I was WILLING to let him do it to me so I could die." Why bother pretending otherwise? It solved nothing. "I was willing to leave EVERYTHING and EVERYONE behind, just so I could escape." Michonne listened and it had freed some of my pain, so why not share it. "I thought he'd kill me. I thought he'd do what I couldn't. I was weak and I was a coward." He was watching me with rapt attention. "He didn't, obviously. Instead, he pulled me out of it. He FORCED me to talk it out. He pushed and pushed and pushed, until I just let it out. And," I swallowed hard and kissed Judith's head. "I fell in love with him. I fell in love with the enemy, Dad. A man who killed and who did horrible things, but who STILL managed to find me in my darkness. I fell in love with him and you threatened to kill him." From Judith's even breaths I know she's fallen asleep. "I'm telling you this, Dad, not to torture you, but to tell you that if I can survive ALL of that, then you can read a damn letter."
He tried to smile. And when he left, he kissed my forehead. "It's good to have you back, Jessi." And I knew, when he said it, he meant the REAL me. Even if I wasn't quite the same as before.
I hear the commotion of something happening at the gates, but I think that if it's something I should know, someone will come find me. And they do. Carol does.
"Jessi," I'm giving Judith some bites from my plate, when I look up. "You need to come downstairs." I can see something lurking in her expression, but I realize it might be about Henry.
"Is it Henry?" I ask, picking up Judith and once I have her steady in one arm, I pick up the plate.
"He's fine, Jessi." And she's gone. OK, what the hell?
When I reach the main floor, I see them all standing in a group. Michonne, Dad, Daryl, Rosita, Maggie, Glenn, Tara, Morgan, Carol, and Ezekiel. My family. And I feel a chill. Not the usual warning, something stranger. They're all watching me as my feet touch the floor and I swallow hard.
"Jessi," it's Michonne who speaks, which should be the warning I need, but it isn't. "Gregory came back." Gregory? She sees my confusion and takes a breath. "He's the former leader here." I nod, not understanding. "He-" A sigh that seems to be shared by the entire group. "He helped the Saviors." Ah, an actual turncoat and traitor. I wait, clearly there's more. "Negan's alive."
I feel the blood drain from my face. And I know that all of them see it, even if only two of them know the real reason. Maggie rushes forward to take Judith from me and I sit down hard on the bottom stair. I feel dizzy and I hear that same static that seems to take over when I'm overwhelmed. He's alive. He survived. My eyes close and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. As though it was reminding me that I could live and breathe easier.
When I open my eyes, I realize that they're all studying me. And I know, from the look on Dad and Michonne's face that this doesn't change anything. Negan surviving, him being alive, it didn't mean that it was over. In fact, it meant that it had barely begun.
