How apt that on Easter I get to post the chapter that is set on Easter.
Chapter 25: Easter Company
The next few days were busy ones. Every morning I was up early with my sister to meet Miss Elizabeth and then many activities followed during the rest of the day. I should have been tired with how little sleep I received, but instead I was energized and eager to greet each day even if I was now rising before the sun. I slept well each night with no bad dreams.
Upon Miss Elizabeth's suggestion, we had taken to meeting even earlier after those first meetings. She explained, "I am returning far too late to Mrs. Collins's home and though dear Charlotte has of yet made no objection, Maria keeps asking what has kept me away so long and Mr. Collins has mentioned more than once that it is not seemly for a single woman to be walking about for hours on end by herself. If we could just meet earlier, while they are still fast asleep, perhaps they will not notice the length of time I have been gone or not miss me at all."
Georgiana and I had thought it was a good plan but meeting earlier had not resulted in our concluding sooner. Almost every time Georgiana still had to urge us home. I hoped that since we had long since stopped having such intense conversations that it might mean, perhaps, that she was growing fond of me.
As for myself, my feelings were powerful things that desired physical expression, but I made sure to resist and conform to all proprieties. I had no wish to either besmirch her or scare her away from me. It was something like standing very still outside, to let squirrels and birds come nearer.
When concluding earlier did not work (although my rational mind determined each night before bed that I must exercise more self-control and pull myself away sooner, I could no more tear myself away earlier than a hunting dog can give up the chase before the game is caught), I proposed a counter-measure to Miss Elizabeth. "Certainly, we must skip some days in meeting in order to avoid suspicion. You might stay in the parsonage or go on a different walk of your own choosing."
Although she agreed, each time we parted that resolution was ignored when we made plans to meet again the next day. Perhaps a natural separation might have been forced if the weather had not been so fine, but as it was the good weather allowed us to indulge. I felt these things were a good sign Miss Elizabeth had grown to enjoy my company and God himself was blessing our time together.
We spent part of every morning together (part of the time with Georgiana, part of the time with her simply near), walking, talking and having long companionable silences. Walking together was most pleasurable. As I had expected Miss Elizabeth had no trouble keeping up with my long legs and while she took five long steps to each four of mine, we seemed well matched.
Although I could not see all of her light and pleasing figure from this vantage, I was keenly aware of feeling the slight weight of her small hand on my arm. My ears focused on the padding of her steps and the swish of her skirt that sometimes brushed against my nearer leg. While often I looked ahead, when I cared to, I could turn my head and see her face slightly inclined toward me and view her fine eyes, brown with just a hint of green. Often, I smelled a whiff of her soap and the sachet that must have scented her clothes.
I wondered what her skin would taste like if I dared to bare her hand and kiss it but I was in all ways as proper in my conduct as I could be, except for talking most freely about topics not usually raised in polite conversation. While we had an unspoken agreement not to speak of love, courtship or marriage, we discussed many weighty subjects. We discussed Napoleon and the politics of our land. We discussed moral dilemmas and how one could understand God's plan for us. I found her remarkably well informed with opinions not adopted wholesale from any one source. The more I learned of her, the more certain I became that she was the bride for me.
I could tell Georgiana had grown fond of Miss Elizabeth also. Twice or thrice they even dismissed me so they could walk and talk alone. The first time I paced back and forth, feeling fearful. I had felt Miss Elizabeth and I were growing closer and was hopeful that I would earn the right to hold her ribbon again but during those few minutes I felt my palms become damp and my heart race. Could Miss Elizabeth be telling Georgiana this must all end?
When they returned, Georgiana must have seen my distress because she reassured me before I even said a word, "All is well, Brother." By then there was only time to exchange a quick goodbye with Miss Elizabeth, but her smile was as sweet as ever.
Afterwards on our walk back to Rosings, Georgiana told me, "Stop fretting Brother." She squeezed my arm three times and I felt myself relax a little.
"Thank you, Georgiana."
"I shall tell you all about it. Miss Elizabeth simply asked me what it was like having you as a brother and what I did to ease your way. I told her that sometimes I observe your meetings and tell you afterward about the things you may have missed with facial expressions, sarcasm, the general mood of the other that I observed."
I nodded and she continued, "I told her that when you are anxious, I try to reassure you. I explained that sometimes I can use humor to lighten your darker moods, but I must make clear what I am doing, almost exaggerate the humor through my tone. I told her that I always do my best to show you that you are valued and loved, that this is probably the most important thing I do, but that it is a pleasure doing so because you are loyal, kind and true, and the best brother I could have."
"How did she react to all the information?" Although I did not doubt that Georgiana tried to cast all she does for me in a positive light and I knew we needed to be honest with Miss Elizabeth, I was worried that perhaps Miss Elizabeth had learned too much, too soon.
"I believe it went very well. Afterwards, Miss Elizabeth asked what she could do herself to aid you. I told her that at this juncture, she should just endeavor to talk candidly with you, to put into straight-forward words what she was thinking and feeling."
The next time they walked without me, I did not worry so much. Again, Georgiana told me what they discussed. "I told her all the silly feelings I felt for George which I was quite convinced at the time was love, but looking back on it, I just wanted to feel something after living with all our grief. It was easier to believe a lie, to live in a pretend world for a while. Miss Elizabeth reassured me that real love takes times to grow."
"Did she mention how she feels toward me?" I asked.
Georgiana disappointed me but saying, "She did not," adding, "but I can tell that she is coming to care for you."
The third time they exchanged confidences, I was not alarmed, even afterwards when Georgiana would not tell me exactly what confidences they exchanged. Georgiana did reassure me, "It is nothing for you to worry about. It would be lovely to gain her as a sister."
That night I considered what they might have talked about with one another. Was it grounds for hope or fear? I was unsure, but as we were meeting again that morning, I decided it could be nothing bad.
The next morning as we walked, Miss Elizabeth asked, "Mr. Darcy, I have been meaning to inquire, why have you not called again at the parsonage. The Colonel has called twice."
I confessed, "Although I would dearly love to see you twice in one day, I am not good at pretending things are different than they are. I fear my admiration of you would be too obvious and I cannot bear to be aloof with you again. Soon enough I expect you all will be invited to Rosings and that will be difficult enough."
It rained heavily that night, which was the night before Easter. Easter morning it was still drizzling. Georgiana and I observed the outside from a window. She told me with regret what I myself knew, "It is just too wet this morning for a walk, if not for the continuing rain, it would still be impossible because of the mud."
"Perhaps it is just as well," I told Georgiana. "We have not gone so much as one morning without walking. On this day, the day of the resurrection of our Lord, I should be focused on the things of heaven and not of this world." She squeezed my arm and said nothing.
Although I had some doubt whether Lady Catherine would still want to attend services given the rain, she did not let it dissuade her, but she did leave Anne at home with Mrs. Jenkinson. I went on horseback as I always do, leaving before the others as keeping my horse to a walk was the only way to keep from getting muddy.
At church I caught a glimpse of Miss Elizabeth. I felt now that it would be impossible not to know her, even from behind. When our eyes met, I gave her a slight nod and she smiled.
During the service I did my best to focus on the hope we might have for eternal life because of our Lord. However, I found myself longing for a blessed life with Miss Elizabeth in this world.
Had He heard my prayer months ago? Would He bless me with her love, just as I was? During the final prayer, I felt a peace settle over me. While I knew nothing was yet resolved I believed it would be.
That peace partially dissipated when Lady Catherine announced after we returned to her home, "What a dreary day it is, so as to liven things up I have invited the Collinses and their guests to come to Rosings for the evening after dinner."
"Capital," responded Edwin. "I for one will welcome seeing the lovely Miss Bennet again. Mrs. Collins has been most hospitable, but I wish that Miss Lucas was not such a scared little thing." He raised one eyebrow and added, "It is almost as if my reputation proceeds me." Then he laughed.
Lady Catherine ignored Edwin and commented, "Miss Bennet plays. I am sure she will be willing to entertain us again."
I do not know if Lady Catherine meant her statement as a slight on my sister, but I saw my sister bite her lip, clasp her hands and look down at her lap. Georgiana had not yet played the pianoforte for our aunt on this visit, even though Lady Catherine had asked somewhat impatiently on more than one occasion, "Whenever will you be ready to play for us? Surely you have practiced enough."
While I longed to see Miss Elizabeth, I dreaded having to feign indifference toward her. I found myself being envious of my sister who would be able to talk freely with my love while I would have to hold back.
That evening after the initial greetings individual conversational groups formed: Georgiana and Mrs. Annsley with Miss Lucas; Anne and Mrs. Jenkins with Mrs. Collins; Edwin with Miss Elizabeth (I wanted to join them but felt I could not); leaving me by default grouped with my aunt and Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins had many compliments to pay to Lady Catherine, saying things such as, "Oh Lady Catherine, you are much too kind to have condescended to bless me, Mrs. Collins and our guests with this invitation at the lovely Rosings, the jewel of Kent." He then spent several minutes praising everything within his view.
Lady Catherine seemed to enjoy his fawning. I was merely bored but made an effort to be engaged as his letters had aided me. It was difficult, however, as my ears were straining to hear any part of Edwin and Miss Elizabeth's conversation which was to my left and behind me, while Lady Catherine and Mr. Collins were to my right. Usually I could only hear the tone of their voices but sometimes heard a word or two. I heard, "pleased" "lovely" "enjoying." There seemed to be no awkwardness between them, conversation flowing easily.
I was pulled back into listening to Mr. Collins when he made a slight bow in my direction and said, "Mr. Darcy, I dare hope that my intelligence as to what occurred in Hertfordshire after you left was of use to you. I must once again apologize for my disrespectful cousins."
"What is that?" Aunt Catherine's attention was caught. "Who was disrespectful to Darcy?" The expression she made was that of someone smelling something particularly vile.
I felt embarrassed; while Mr. Collins had stated he wrote to me based on my aunt's advice, I hoped that she did not know the whole of what had occurred and I feared that all of those present could not help but hear Mr. Collins's loud voice.
"Do you not recall it Lady Catherine? I told you all about how a Mr. George Wickham said vicious things about Mr. Darcy and soon had many believing all manner of falsehoods about him, my young cousins included."
Mr. Collins's mouth was open as he apparently prepared to say more when my aunt interjected, "Darcy, I have told you time and time again that you must take Fitzwilliam with you when you are traveling. He would have put a stop to all nonsense right away!"
That was the last thing I wanted. I needed friends and not a nursemaid. I wondered, not for the first time, how Edwin must feel in being expected to order his life around accompanying me. I wondered whether, perhaps, Edwin might want me to marry Anne so that he might give up his duties toward me. I thought about what it would be like to, though no longer under the command of his general because he retired from the army, still be under the command of his father the earl and be assigned to serve me. I had not considered that maybe he wanted his own life, his own wife.
I turned to look at him for a moment. I could tell that as usual Edwin was being charming. I envied his ease with Miss Elizabeth.
I wondered if Edwin might have a tendre regarding Miss Elizabeth. Was all his calling on the parsonage his own attempt at courting? I saw Miss Elizabeth glance my way and I averted my eyes. Was I selfish to want Miss Elizabeth for me? She cared not for the wealth I had, would she not prefer a comfortable home with a man she did not have to struggle to understand, who would always know the right way to act? I felt foolish for trying to court her.
My aunt must have been curious as to why I was glancing at Miss Elizabeth because soon she, too, was looking in Edwin's and Miss Elizabeth's direction. She did not scruple to call out, "What is that you are saying, Fitzwilliam? What is it you are talking of? What are you telling Miss Bennet? Let me hear what it is."
I wondered if he was annoyed. If he was, he did not show it in any way I could discern.
"We are speaking of music, Madame," said he.
"Of music! Then pray speak aloud. It is of all subjects my delight. I must have my share in the conversation, if you are speaking of music. There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of music than myself, or a better natural taste. If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient. And so would Anne, if her health had allowed her to apply. I am confident that she would have performed delightfully."
I saw Lady Catherine turn toward Georgiana to make sure she had been attending and ask, "Georgiana, how does your playing progress?"
"Very well, Madame," Georgiana answered.
"You cannot expect to excel," Lady Catherine instructed, "unless you practice a great deal."
She turned towards Mrs. Jenkinson, "Mrs. Jenkinson, has my niece been practicing diligently on your instrument every day?"
"Yes, indeed," Mrs. Jenkinson responded, "for hours every day."
Lady Catherine turned back toward me. "And Darcy, is she equally diligent at Pemberley?"
"Very much so." I was glad I could honestly give a very favorable report. "She plays the most delightful tunes that are a balm to me when I feel troubled. She has developed a very discerning ear. Recently she was able to match a tune to a few lyrics I recalled our mother singing. I assure you, Madame, that she practices very constantly."
"I am glad to hear it. It cannot be done too much." She turned back to Georgiana, "I charge you not to neglect it on any account. I often tell young ladies, that no excellence in music is to be acquired without constant practice." Here was advice that Georgiana could follow faithfully as it already her inclination. I could already imagine if she practiced less than typical one day, using an imitation of our aunt's speech and voice to gently tease her.
Not content to have only myself, Georgiana and Mr. Collins listening to her wisdom, Aunt Catherine turned towards Miss Elizabeth and Edwin. "I have told Miss Bennet several times, that she will never play really well, unless she practices more; and though Mrs. Collins has no instrument, she is very welcome, as I have often told her, to come to Rosings every day, and play on the pianoforte in Mrs. Jenkinson's room. She would be in nobody's way, you know, in that part of the house."
Lady Catherine brought her eyebrows together (my aunt has a very expressive face, which makes understanding her a bit easier), and then glanced at Georgiana. "However, now that Georgiana is practicing on Mrs. Jenkinson's instrument for so much of every day, I may need to suggest alternative arrangements for Miss Bennet. I believe Mrs. Hall in the village has an instrument but it may be out of tune as the piano in our attic would inevitably be."
"Madame," Georgiana cried out, "I am happy to share any instrument at Rosings with Miss Bennet. It would be delightful to play music with her."
"Very well," our aunt replied, "when, Georgiana, when would you like Miss Bennet to practice with you? I am sure her skills will improve rapidly if she takes you as her example. Though she is the elder, you can pass on some wisdom from your masters."
I was embarrassed by my aunt's manners but also intrigued that Miss Elizabeth might more often be at Rosings. Georgiana blushed, then very formally asked, "Miss Elizabeth, would you join me in practicing on Mrs. Jenkinson's pianoforte at half past three on the morrow?"
"I would be very pleased to accept," said she and smiled before quickly glancing at me.
Edwin, who was still beside her, leaned a bit closer and spoke to her alone, "Miss Bennet, if you plan to regularly grace Rosings with your presence, I hope you will visit all of us when you have your fill of practicing. I, for one, would welcome your delightful company." I was troubled that they seemed to be on such an intimate footing with one another.
"That is very kind of you," Miss Elizabeth responded. I could not help but notice that she had not exactly accepted.
Edwin smiled, took a step closer to her and responded as if she had agreed, "I look forward to being in your company more." I did not like seeing that at all.
After we drank our coffee—I have no recollection of its flavor, good or bad, so focused was I in trying to understand the soft words Miss Elizabeth and Edward exchanged, to find out why she laughed—I heard Edwin say a little louder, "Miss Elizabeth, surely you recall promising me that you would play the pianoforte for me."
"Indeed, I shall," she responded, "should Lady Catherine think it a fine time to exhibit."
Edwin immediately took the matter up with Lady Catherine, who said, "Indeed I am ready for some entertainment, Miss Bennet and . . ." her eyes swept over to focus on my sister before she continued, ". . . anyone else who might wish to play is more than welcome to do so." However, as Miss Elizabeth walked forward toward the instrument, Lady Catherine walked further away and began to speak to Mrs. Collins about draperies.
Without any conscious thought I found myself standing quite near the pianoforte where the fair performer was in full view. She had a confidence about her as she placed her hands (now stripped of her gloves which she had placed on her lap), just over the keys in preparation. There was no music on the pianoforte.
Miss Elizabeth began by playing a simple folk song. As her fingers danced along the keys, her face became brighter, her eyes more focused.
I was surprised when she began to speak with me while still playing. "Mr. Darcy," said she with a smile that I recognized to be different than that with which she now greeted me each morning, "do you know the words to this song?"
I then realized that I was softly singing along without any awareness of the deed. The lyrics to Miss Bailey's Ghost would be ones that undoubtedly would offend my aunt, but I was sorely tempted to sing at a proper volume to her playing.
"Yes, indeed, but Lady Catherine, I dare say, does not. She might find the words of this song rather uncouth for her parlor."
"I will not be alarmed," Miss Elizabeth replied, raising her eyebrows slightly and then giving a wink. "There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me. Lady de Bourgh is grand indeed but I shall enjoy my evening."
She altered the song to provide a bridge to the beginning and began to sing. Her tones were clear and bright and I joined in with vigor after a word or two. I am not a particularly brilliant singer but can carry an adequate tune. She then began to harmonize with my singing and I was enchanted by being enveloped in the song.
After a few more words Edwin arose and came to join us, standing on Miss Elizabeth's other side. He joined in, singing loudly the bawdiest words: "Seduced a maid who hanged herself one morning in her garters." He gave both of us a broad grin between verses.
I smiled, too. This was the Edwin of my childhood who delighted in teaching me inappropriate words, but then got me out of trouble.
I saw Georgiana rise and join us, standing between me and Edwin. Because she did not know the words she supported us with her presence. I felt overwhelming joy that we were all together in this moment.
As the words and notes faded away, I awaited a scolding by my aunt. It did not come just then. However, she said firmly in a voice that would brook no opposition, "Georgiana, you must play the next piece."
"Yes, Madame." Georgiana responded.
While Georgiana was waiting for a servant to fetch her music from Mrs. Jenkinson's room, Lady Catherine commented, "Miss Bennet would not play at all amiss, if she practiced more, and could have the advantage of a London master to teach her appropriate songs."
I felt the barb aimed at Miss Elizabeth and could not help but defend her: "No one admitted to the privilege of hearing Miss Bennet play and sing can think anything wanting." Aunt Catherine made no reply but stared at me for a few moments with sharp eyes that cut into me. I very much wanted to tell her to quit looking at me but kept my peace.
Georgiana began dutifully playing a complex piece while Mrs. Jenkinson turned the pages for her. It was technically proficient, but Georgiana did not seem to be enjoying herself. Perhaps it was because Lady Catherine was standing close at hand.
At the conclusion of the piece, Lady Catherine offered, "My dear child, I can see you have been working very diligently. Well done."
I did not have the privilege of speaking to Miss Elizabeth further that evening, for shortly thereafter Lady Catherine beckoned a servant and ordered, "Send word for the preparation of my carriage to drive the Collinses and their guests to the parsonage." To my mind, my aunt was displeased by Miss Elizabeth's earlier performance and this was a dismissal.
I wondered if the invitation for Miss Elizabeth to practice at Rosings would be revoked by Lady Catherine, but she said nothing when they left besides, "I wish you all a most pleasant evening."
As they departed Georgiana grasped Miss Elizabeth's hand and told her, "I depend on us playing together on the morrow."
Miss Elizabeth smiled and confirmed, "I certainly shall come." I wondered if there was any way for me to be present.
