It's Michonne who rushes forward, her hands on my cheeks, her face inches from mine. I can see her lips moving, but I hear nothing. Fighting against the static, fighting against the reality that my family will try to kill him. That the war isn't over, not by a long shot, and nothing short of Negan's death will make them stop.
"Jessi," her hands are warm and I blink when her voice finally breaks through. "Sweetheart, please, are you alright?"
I swallow and feel my stomach churn. "Yes." A breath, a hiss. It's all I can manage. She helps me to my feet and walks me back up the stairs. I fight so hard against the fear churning in my stomach. Against the urge to vomit. Against the urge to scream. "I don't want to know." I whisper, as we arrive at my door. "What the plans are, where or when? I don't want to know."
"I promise," she answers, and then I'm alone in the room.
I slide down the closed door and sit on the floor thinking about how horrible such wonderful news turned out to be.
By the time a knock comes on my door, I've gotten on the bed. Curled in fetal position and reliving the short time I'd spent with Negan in his arms. With his lips pressed against mine. With our bodies joined and passion raging through us. And if I see him again, it will be his body to confirm his death.
I don't answer the knock, but the door isn't locked so Dad comes in to check on me anyway. I feel the bed dip on the side I'm facing, and I remember Negan doing the same after our last trip to Alexandria. Pain rips through me.
"Jessi," I can hear it, that same uncertainty and quiet. Like he's afraid I'll scream or bolt "Baby girl, I can't-"
I think of how I'd told Negan I knew he'd go after Dad. How I told him that I didn't want to lead, and that meant I'd follow whomever I choose to lead me. Dad was my leader now. Even if my heart was tearing apart, I'd follow him. "I know." Same answer, different man.
His hand was rubbing my back. "I-" He stopped, weighing his thoughts and words. "I read the letter." I nodded into my pillow. "I know what Carl wanted, what he envisioned."
But it doesn't matter, I inserted it for him. It doesn't matter because the two of you can't see that peace could be an option. That Dad and Negan as leaders with Daryl and the others beside them would create a true future. In the end, nothing mattered, except who was alive and who was dead.
"He wrote-" I heard him stop again. "He saw it. You and Negan." I sighed.
I faced him finally. "He saw it before I did." I knew he could see my pain, but I hoped he also heard my resolve in the course. "I don't want to know, Dad. None of it. Plans, times, nothing."
He nodded, this he could give me. "I wanted to ask you," I waited, wondering what favor he wanted from me. "Come with me to meet the man Carl saved?"
I was a bit surprised. I'd assumed he'd have been vetted. Those three questions asked. "Sure." I sat up and rubbed my face with both hands. "I must look like hell."
"No," Dad answered. "You look like my daughter. You look like Jessica Grimes. And you are beautiful.'
Siddiq was the man's name. We met him in the infirmary and I smiled at him to show him that I didn't hold him responsible. He explained meeting Carl. How my brother left him some rations. How he tried to get him to come back to Alexandria and how they fought the walkers because of a belief his mother had about releasing their souls. He tried to apologize for not seeing the danger in it, but before Dad could speak I stopped him.
"My brother saved your life because he saw something worth saving." I told him, holding out my hand. "His death was honorable because it came from him showing you compassion." Siddiq shook my hand. "Are you medically trained?" I asked, looking around the infirmary.
He told me he was and I smiled as we spoke. Dad watched us, studying me and the man who he might have felt cost Carl his life. I listened to Siddiq as he told me about his schooling, about his mother, about his worth. And I was engaged. I was present. I knew that this, at least, gave Dad some hope for me. That I would survive, perhaps even thrive, as long as I could stay like this.
When we left the infirmary, Dad told me that some of the remaining prisoners had been given jobs around Hilltop. That they were earning trust. He pointed to a few who were doing walker clearance. He showed me other parts of the community, giving me a tour, and trying to reconnect with me. I was just as interested as I had been in the infirmary.
I nodded, I asked questions, and I took in this new group. They were productive. They had crops and I had a flash remembering teasing Carl about becoming a farmer. He pointed out other parts, told me a bit of the history of the place, and I was smiling as we started back to the main house.
"How bad is Alexandria?" I asked, wanting to know if it was beyond repair.
He sighed, as we stood on the porch looking out over the workers. "It's bad. Really bad."
"Can it be rebuilt?" This was the real issue, this place was beautiful, but there wasn't enough room.
He nodded. "Once it's over." Negan. The Saviors. "How bad was the Kingdom?"
"Not too bad, actually." It didn't have real damage, just the danger of being overrun by more enemies. "Livable without much work."
Michonne and Dad keep their word. I'm left out of planning. When I am nearby the talking stops. Far from making me feel bad, it makes me feel HEARD for once. And settling back with my family becomes more bearable.
I know it's coming, even without knowledge from their pow wows. I can see them prepping weapons. I see them deciding who and where. So I'm not completely unaware.
I'm taking Judith for a walk when I see Morgan attack Henry. I heard Dad trying to talk him out of coming with them. And I realize that I'm not the only one who broke. I close my eyes and hurry back to the house. I can't see someone go through what Dad did. Not without knowing the full story. Not without feeling the pain of it.
Dad comes to me when they're ready. He kisses Judith and he stares into my eyes. "Jessi, I promise, this will be the end." It's his goodbye, and I know he means it. One way or another, today is the end.
"Be safe." I tell him, and I mean it. "I love you, Dad."
"I love you, too, sweetheart." And then a kiss on my forehead and he leaves my room.
Daryl is hovering just outside the doorway. "Just gonna lurk?" I ask him, and he gives a half smile that tugs at my heart. Walking into the room, he smooths Judith's curls with one hand and stares down at me.
"I still love you," he whispers, and I know that he does. "I meant it, when I said I couldn't live without ya."
"I know," I whisper back. "I love you, too, Daryl Dixon." And I do. I still feel it. Even with Negan inside of my heart. Even with what I feel for him, I still love Daryl. "Kiss me, please."
And he does, and I feel what I couldn't find before I left Alexandria. That same heat. The same flames rising up between us. When he pulls away, I open my eyes and see my feelings reflected in his face. "I will come back to you, Jessi. I won't lose you again." And it's a promise and a threat. Because to have one, I lose the other.
