I was walking with Daryl when the call came through about a longer run to DC. Arat, the Savior who had killed Olivia and another named Justin were trying to use a walker as a scarecrow. I sighed, thinking that being well meaning and yet stuck in the past were both going to get these people killed by one of the men I loved. Sure enough, Daryl put it down, and warned them, again that this wasn't how things would run from now on.
Laura, another Savior, yet a far more malleable one, had warned us and that's what brought us outside to the crops. Eugene and Rosita were working inside on something very science oriented, and I hoped that Daryl understood more of their ramblings than I did, because science was not my strong suit. As we're making our way around the perimeter, enjoying a moment to ourselves, quiet and without a demand on either of us, he lets me know that a run's planned.
"We gotta head to DC." I nodded, this run had been mentioned before. Seeds, farming equipment, things that were necessary for survival in this harsher new world. "You comin' or-"
Ah, he wanted to know if I was going with or would I stay behind here? "Someone has to keep Eugene in line." I smiled, knowing that Eugene could get ahead of himself if no one was here to temper his more rash impulses. "Unless you want me to go?" Maybe he'd prefer I head out with him.
He huffed a big breath and a sliver of fear ran through me. "I thought if ya wanted to, ya could go to Alexandria and stay with Judith." Oh, wait, what?
"Alone?" I asked, confused. Daryl hadn't let me go out on my own since I came back to him. Aside from the few times I had bow practice in Hilltop, he found time to go with me, or keep me by his side. Being with him at the Sanctuary was disturbingly similar to my time here with Negan.
"Gotta meet them at the midway point, figured ya go ride with me there, then ya could head on to Alexandria while we go on." I nodded, yeah, it sounded simple, but this wasn't what I had learned to expect from Daryl Dixon since I'd returned. "I trust ya, Jessi, I know it don't seem like I do-"
I smiled up at him. "I know you do, Daryl." I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him down to my level. Brushing my lips against his, I felt him relax. He was so tense. "You're just really really protective."
He chuckled against my mouth and then dipped in for a more passionate kiss. Our inspection had taken us to one of the more private outdoor spots, and no one was around, which is why I didn't mind when his hands ran down my back and started pulling up my shirt. Tossing it onto the ground next to us, I had his unbuttoned and added on top of mine in no time with his vest tangled in the mess. My hands fell to his belt as he went to the button of my jeans. Suddenly it was an urgency of need. The need for his skin on mine, the need for my mouth on his chest.
He pressed me against the building we were standing next to, and then he was inside of me and our mouths were locked together tasting one another like we couldn't get enough. Since I'd come back, since I'd chosen him, love making between the two of us had become more frenzied at times, and we didn't pull away anymore when Daryl was about to finish. We'd found it, I supposed, as he rocked into me, pulling his mouth from mine to bury his head in my neck to nip and suckle at my skin. We found the safety and security we'd wanted before trying to start our family.
My nails were biting into the skin of his shoulders as my climax roared through me, and his moan as his own rushed out of him made my skin tingle where his mouth was attached to my collarbone. He held me tight, feeling my legs shaking and knowing me well enough to know I wouldn't be steady enough on my own. I felt as he grew limp within me, slowly leaving my body. My head fell back against the bricks of the building behind me and my hands brushed his flopping hair away from his face. I leaned forward and kissed him slow and sweet. I loved Daryl Dixon. If only, if only I didn't love Negan too.
We dressed not long after, and Daryl's hand met mine and our fingers linked automatically. Walking back into the building, I wondered what had brought on this newfound respect for my independence. I didn't ask. I was just happy he understood that I could and would take care of myself and that I was WITH HIM.
The plan for the run was simple enough. Seeds, farm plow to use as a prototype for Hilltop's blacksmiths, and whatever else could seemingly come in handy for our continued survival. I could sense that Hilltop's relationship with the other communities, or at least with the Sanctuary was growing strained. Our fuel production wasn't as high as our need for food supplies seemed to be. Add in the fact that Maggie and Glenn wanted Negan dead and buried, and well, there was some strain.
I hopped on the back of Daryl's bike, knowing that Dad would bring me a horse to get to Alexandria from the meeting point. Leaning into Daryl's body, smelling the leather of his vest, feeling the hard muscles of his stomach under my fingers made me remember leaving the CDC. Before our first time together, before Sofia, before the Greene Farm. Before.
"Remember," Daryl started, and I smiled against his back. "No ticklin'." I giggled. He took one of my hands from his stomach and drew it to his mouth for a kiss on my knuckles. "Love ya, Jessi Grimes."
"Love you, Daryl Dixon," I yelled over the roar of the engine as he kicked it alive. And we were off.
I didn't have a long parting with Dad, Daryl, and the others. I wanted to get to Alexandria and Judith. So kissing Daryl soundly, and promising to be safe while getting his own back to me, I hugged Dad and Michonne and got on the horse they'd brought for me.
"I'll come pick ya up," Daryl started, and I smiled down at him. "Don't wanna steal one of Rick's horses, would ya?"
"Wouldn't be the first horse either of us stole, Daryl." Which made Maggie chuckle, and I smiled down at her in return. "Y'all be careful!" And then I turned and headed back the way Dad and Michonne had come.
I made good time, the horse being far quieter than the bike meant that I didn't get sidetracked by many walkers. And the ones that came too close for comfort were easily taken down by an arrow from my seat. I enjoyed the peace of riding alone into Alexandria. The guard at the gate barely sniffed in my direction, so I supposed I could count that as a win. I made way to Dad's house, not the same house we'd lived in together as a family, since it wasn't there anymore. The horse was left with the people that Dad had put in charge of them, and I walked alone through the streets of Alexandria.
In eighteen months time, they'd rebuilt the community. When I first visited after they started to build it back up, I was shocked by the damage. Houses burnt, or fire damaged. The gazebo that Carl had hidden himself away at, torched and charred in places. So much destruction, and for what? To prove who was a bigger man? To be king of a mountain that no longer existed?
I'm sure Dad, and Daryl, not to mention the rest of our people, would have thought that seeing the carnage that Negan and the Saviors had inflicted would turn my heart from him. It hadn't. Not even slightly. There were no rights or wrongs to this 'war'. It was two groups of people led by two men who kept hitting and hitting. It was bound to go this way. I should have seen it in the clearing. I should have known somehow that me offering my life wasn't going to be enough. I hadn't, and that was something that I couldn't take back. Nor would I.
I climbed the steps up the porch of Dad's house, smiling at the easel that Michonne had set up in the corner for her and Judith to paint on. A painting still attached that had Judith, Carl, and me in her tiny scrawl. I took a moment to smile over it before I opened the door and walked inside.
"Hey!" I called out and my grin grew as I heard her tiny feet beating down the hallway to launch herself into my arms. Judith, my little sister, a tiny blonde angelic dynamo. The woman they left her in the care of smiled at the two of us on the floor, and I nodded as she said goodbye. "Now, baby Jude, what are we gonna do today?"
We spent time playing. Painting was something she and Michonne shared, so I played games with her. Finding a deck of cards and playing a version of memory, I laughed at how smart she was, clever. After lunch, she pulled me toward the door and asked to take a walk. Walks with Judith meant that she got story time, and that she got to tell me stories. I listened at her story about the birds who flew up high and smiled when she asked if she could fly too.
"I think, my little Jude, that would be a bad thing for a little girl to try." She pouted and I giggled. "Want me to give you a piggyback ride?" Her grin returned with a nod and I crouched down and let her climb on. "You're heavier than you look," I grunted, standing up and swaying with her.
We walked along the streets, and when we got close to Negan's jail, she pulled my braid. Ah, she wanted to visit the boogie man. "Go." She demanded, and I saw her little fist pointing at the building.
I rolled my eyes, but went along with her demands. I planned on visiting him anyway, and she'd come with me plenty of times before. The guard gave me a look, and I sighed, but they didn't stop me. They couldn't. I didn't have a key. I couldn't have freed him if I wanted to. And Dad had let them all know that I was granted the right to visit. So screw you, asshole, I thought. I knelt down inside the house, letting Judith get on her feet, and take my hand.
When I came into the room where his cell was, the cell that Morgan had built, I had to let my eyes adjust slightly. There was light, but it wasn't complete. And there he was. Sitting on the mat on the floor with a ball in his hand. My heart lurched. Even down here, looking like the prisoner he was, his power still radiated off of him, his pull still strong.
"Oh my goodness, I've been granted the pleasure of seeing TWO princesses today." He smiled and stood up. I walked to the bars and my free hand reached for his. "Missed you, sweetheart."
"I know," I answered, looking down at Judith. "She wanted to come visit. Demanded an audience."
Judith was smiling up at us. "You did?" He let my hand go so he could kneel in front of her at her level. "Well, I feel very special that you wanted to come see me, Princess Judith." She giggled and he reached his hand out to touch her silky blonde hair. "You are an angel, aren't you?"
She sat on the floor and he knew exactly what she wanted. What she wanted every single time she came with me to visit him. They started playing ball through the bars as I sat down with my legs outstretched around her. Saving the need to run after a batted ball.
They played and he talked to me. "You look beautiful, Jessi." His eyes flicked to mine. "As always."
"You look tired, Negan." I said, feeling the worry creep into my voice. "No one has-"
He shook his head. No attempts had come on his life yet. "Floor's hard as hell, but I'm fine, don't worry." I bit my lip. "Give just about anything to be the one doing that to your lip, sweetheart." I felt my chest flush. Jesus.
"I think Daryl's going to ask for us to be allowed to leave the Sanctuary." I knew he was. He hated it there. Hated walking the same path as Negan with me by his side. "Not sure if he'd want to come back here."
Negan nodded, smiling when Judith caught the ball perfectly. "Good job, princess." His eyes met mine. "Where do you think he'd want to go?"
I shook my head. "Hilltop, probably." I cringed. I had no fond memories of Hilltop. "Either spot is further away than-"
"I know." Further away from him. A longer trip. Longer time between visits. "I know, Jessi." His eyes were soft and I wanted nothing more than to hold him. To sit on his lap as he was playing with Judith, to take comfort from him and give it right back. I missed it. His casual touches, how it had been getting so natural between us. Until. I sighed.
"I should go," I said, and Judith looked up at me with a pout. "I promise we'll come back," it was a promise to both of them. To two pieces of my heart. I stood and took her hand. Moving closer to the bars, Negan stood and pressed his face into one of the spaces, and our lips met. Not close enough, not nearly enough. "Bye."
"Bye, sweetheart." And then, quiet so Judith couldn't hear, "I love you."
"I love you, too." I whispered. "Jude, can you say 'bye' to Negan?"
"Bye, Uncle-" I stopped her.
"Jude, you know you can't call him that." I admonished, pain flashing through me at the thought of it. "Just say 'bye'."
"Bye," she looked confused, and I knew she was. She was a child, but she knew what she saw. Her big sister and this man in a cell had the same thing that she saw her have with Uncle Daryl. Shit.
My eyes met Negan and his smile was sad. He wanted it. To have the title. To have the same standing as Daryl, with me and my family, but without losing himself for it. We'd talked about it a few times. Going in circles. "Bye." I said, fighting against the urge to scream.
Judith and I spent the day playing. She told me about the races her and Dad had, and how she won. How Mom would help her hide, how much fun she had with them. She chattered and I listened, loving that she wanted to share everything I missed during the time between visits. I missed her so much when I wasn't here, but I also loved the fact that I got to JUST be her big sister now. Not a parent, just what I'd been to Carl.
We'd just started making dinner when I heard a knock on the door. Opening it, I saw Aaron standing there smiling. I liked Aaron, he and Daryl had easily become friends early on, and he never seemed to show as much animosity toward me as some of the others.
"Daryl and your dad wanted me to tell you that they'll be back tomorrow." I must have looked concerned because he hurried on. "Nothing bad, well, nothing overly bad."
"What happened?" I felt Judith's arms wrap around my legs and my hand absently went to her head and brushed through her curls.
"The bridge is out." Shit. That wasn't good. "They wanted to go back to the Sanctuary while we pushed on." I let out a breath I was holding and nodded. "I've got to go home and see Grace." My smile came back. "Have a good night, ladies."
"Night, Aaron, thanks for letting me know." And as Judith offered her own goodbye, we went back inside. "Guess we're having a sleepover, baby Jude." Her giggles carried me through the night.
