I was only back in Alexandria for a day. One full day before more fucking insanity made its way into my worldview. While I had been at the camp, Negan had stopped eating. It had been a few days, and I was more than ready to go to him to try to talk some sense into his thick head, but was brought up short by his request.
He wanted to speak to Michonne. Michonne, who'd taken over Dad's duties while he took more and more time at the bridge construction. Who was listening to and dealing with endless rounds of irritated community members, finding solutions to issues that weren't really issues, and now who was going to be trying to get Negan to eat.
"You know, Negan," she tried to sooth me. "He's bored and wants to renegotiate no doubt." I nodded, trying to hide my disappointment. "Walk with me, and once I convince him to eat, you can visit. Seems like you have something you need to get off your chest."
I did, actually. My emotions had been running high lately. And it hit me, as I rode back to Alexandria from the construction site, I couldn't remember the last time I'd had my period. When Daryl and I had been in charge of the Sanctuary, when we'd begun trying in earnest to start the family we'd put off for so long, I remembered the pregnancy test I'd seen in the infirmary when I'd first arrived with Negan. I found a cache of them and when we came back, giving up the running of Negan's remaining group, I'd brought them along. Not all of them, but enough, should I have need.
And so, that morning, I'd taken one. Sure enough, the little plus sign had glowed bright telling me that Daryl and I had been successful. I had a tiny Dixon growing inside of me. I wasn't planning on telling Negan that I was expecting, not before I told Daryl. Or Dad. Or Michonne. I did need to tell him we were planning to, trying to soften the blow. To get him ready for when I would tell him.
I walked along with her, reluctantly leaving Judith behind. "You gonna tell me what's up?" She asked, giving me a sidelong glance as she carried Negan's meal on a tray.
"Eventually." I said, staring straight ahead and gathering my nerves. I sighed, fuck it. "I'm pregnant."
I could see her smile beaming even with my eyes locked on the horizon. "That's amazing news, Jessi." I nodded, feeling my own smile blossom. "I didn't know that you and Daryl were trying."
"We decided that since everything seemed to be settling down-" I stopped, thinking about what, no who, liked ahead. "It was always something we wanted to do."
She took my hand in one of hers, holding Negan's lunch in the other. "This is a GOOD thing, Jessi." I knew she was telling me this simply because in her mind, a baby with Daryl, our family finally beginning would hopefully pull me further from Negan. "Are you planning on telling him before Daryl?"
I shook my head. "No, but he needs to know that we're planning on it." I answered. I gave a humorless chuckle. "You might have to talk him into eating again, once he finds out." We were outside Negan's prison. "I'll wait here." I leaned against the wall holding his window, out of sight, but nearby in case Michonne needed me.
"It'll be fine," she reassured me, letting my hand go. "You'll see."
What I saw, or heard, was Negan breaking. He yearned for that fucking bat of his far more than I knew. To see it. To see HER. I heard something I hadn't heard when I visited him. What I hadn't noticed when Judith was between us. I heard the defeat in his voice. The pain. The fact that he'd given up or wanted to.
My visits, it seemed, meant nothing. Not only weren't they enough, they weren't even helpful. He didn't ask for me. He didn't beg for more time with ME. No, he needed and wanted the company of a piece of fucking wood.
I walked with Michonne back to the house. She seemed at a loss for anything to say, and didn't seem surprised when I didn't follow through with my visit. I had no doubt that she could read clearly on my face exactly how I felt. Crushed seemed too easy of a word. Too mild. I'd begged for his fucking life, and he wanted a ball bat.
Judith and Michonne were sitting at the bar and I'd just laid down when I heard a visitor. Coming out to see what was going on, I heard that Maggie had arrived. Glancing at my stepmother, I could tell that she wasn't expecting this visit anymore than me. I picked up Judith and nodded at Michonne, we dropped my baby sister off at our version of daycare, and I found myself once again walking a far too familiar path.
Was I surprised that Maggie came to kill Negan? A bit. She had Glenn. She had Hershel. She had Hilltop. Yet, as I looked at the resolve in her eyes, I knew. I knew that she had become close to Sasha. She felt her loss, first of Abraham and then for Sasha's own life, just as heavily as if Glenn had died. Maggie had lost so fucking much. Her stepmother, he stepbrother, her father, her sister, and countless others that we'd come to see as family.
Was I surprised that Michonne gave her the key to Negan's cell? Not completely. I had been the one to beg for his life. My dad had given me that simple consultation because so had, in a way, Carl. Dad wasn't here. And if I had to be honest, I'm not sure he'd have stopped her either. Daryl wouldn't have.
Michonne waited with me, pacing the street as I leaned again near the window. And I listened as he begged to die. As he begged for the very death he talked me away from, as he pleaded to join Lucille. I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and I had finally had enough. Today was a wash for me. I was finished. I started walking back towards home when Dianne comes running and screaming about a shootout at camp.
Michonne, Maggie, Daryl, and our family arrive in time to see Dad on the other side of our newly constructed bridge, a horde closing in. I hit the one closest to him with an arrow as Daryl takes aim and shoots more. But it's hopeless, even I can see it, if Michonne can't. Even if she's running with the others, I stay by Daryl, shooting as many as I can. Tears run down my face, because I see Dad's nod, and I know, as he raises his gun what his plan is. And then it explodes. Fire and bodies, and I'm screaming and Dary;'s arms are around me turning me away as he watches the flames.
My heart's breaking into a million pieces. Daddy. No. I'm sobbing as Daryl holds me. Trying to talk to me quietly, whispering, and walking me toward the trees.
Daryl, never very talkative, tells me that they learned who was luring the Saviors away. He's trying to get my mind off of what I'd seen. Trying to divert the pain that is flashing through me in waves. Trying to keep me present, as though a diversion can make my pain lessen, as though it can put my heart back into one piece. The women from Oceanside had taken their vengeance. They'd killed the ones they could remember killing their men. I heard bits, but the reminder of the explosion that killed the first man I ever loved. A man that was my hero from my first breath. A man who no one would ever truly live up to, not even Daryl. My daddy was gone.
As Daryl held me, I told him. I told him what I'd wanted to share with both him and Dad. I told him that we had a baby on the way.
Daryl and Michonne can't let Dad go. No body, no death. And so they search. And search. And search. Michonne manages to find Dad's gun, offering it to me, but I shake my head emphatically. She puts it away, promising that Judith will have it when she's old enough. That along with Dad's hat, my little sister will keep gaining pieces of the family she's lost. I wonder, idly, if one day she'll have my bow, Michonne's katana, and Daryl's crossbow.
Michonne came to me not long after Dad was gone to tell me of a new hope. She's pregnant. Apparently Daryl and I weren't the only ones wanting to start a family. I can tell that she's uncomfortable telling me. I'd have to be ignorant to not understand her discomfort. Dad was gone. Judith was my ONLY remaining family, or at least that's what she thought.
"Michonne," I smile and correct myself. "Mom, this is GOOD news." Her answering smile shows her relief. Hugging her to me, I tell her how happy I am and that Judith is going to be an amazing big sister.
"She's had you to learn from," her whisper rustles my hair. "Of course she will."
I'd gone back to visiting Negan. Dad was gone. My life was forever changed, and honestly, I wanted to keep at least some parts of who I was the same. I told him that Daryl and I were planning on starting a family.
"Planning?" He glanced down my body and I could have sworn he had x-ray vision. "Oh, sweetheart, I think you've done more than plan."
I raised my chin in defiance. "At least I didn't beg to die." I saw a flash of pain cross his face. "Pretty fucking interesting, I BEG for your fucking life, only to have you want Maggie to end it." I nod to myself. "Of course, being with Lucille, be it wooden or angel form must seem pretty like paradise compared to this." I gesture around the cell.
"Jessi-" I shook my head. "Honey-" His hands reach through the bars trying to reach for me, but I step away.
"My dad's gone. I'm pregnant with my first baby." It's barely above a whisper, but I know he can hear me. "Why am I down here with someone who doesn't fucking care?"
"I care, Jessi." His voice is as pleading as it had sounded when he'd begged Maggie to die. "I had a momentary fucking lapse."
"I've got to go." I whisper, moving toward the door. "Bye, Negan."
I wish I could say I stopped visiting him. That between starting a family with Daryl and helping Michonne with Judith that I gave him up. I couldn't. Or at least that's how it seemed. Judith and I visited, me taking her along more as a barrier between us than anything. And I tried very very hard to pretend that he didn't seem to take note of every single change that pregnancy brought to my body.
A new group arrived at our gate. Or at least part of a new group. Michonne, carrying her pregnancy weight far better than me, met them. Shock and amazement, she knew the woman who appeared to be their leader. A woman named Jocelyn.
