I've got an itch,
You've got an emptiness,
I couldn't fill,
False gods and tenderness
Into your will,
Pray on the falling,
Straps from your shoulders,
How do I hold you?


Elena concentrated on the road as she drove, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles were practically white. The last time she was in a car with Stefan Salvatore, his loving eyes had not left her face once, and she absolutely adored it. Now, many things had changed while others had not. Stefan was looking at her; she could feel her body tremble a little bit more every time his eyes fell on her, but the semi-pleasant chills went away almost immediately, for he would look down at something random in the car and pretend that it was interesting. Elena wondered if her face was giving her away, for she had not once dared to lock eyes with him. Now that they were both human, she couldn't risk getting distracted and accidentally driving off of Wickery Bridge.

She winced at the thought. Too soon.

Despite the shaky rush that flooded through her every time Stefan glanced over, Elena hated that he kept looking at her. What was so interesting about her face, anyways? Shouldn't there have been some phantom instinct remaining in Stefan's cluttered mind that was telling him to stay away from her? She, after all, had been the reason for his demise. If Stefan had remembered her when he returned, Elena knew that he probably would have been halfway to Australia by now. Who on earth would want to be involved with her after all of the things she had done? Being sired was not an excuse; she was sick of excuses.

So this is what she was going to do: she was going to teach Stefan how to live without love and convince Damon to leave Mystic Falls with his brother in tow and never look back. Or maybe she would leave. It wasn't too late to apply to college.

The minor details did not matter now. All that mattered was the fact that Elena was going to teach Stefan how to live without her and let him move on. He would do it, too. He would find another girl who deserved him, and he would love her to the ends of the earth. She'd make him happy, and eventually, he'd settle down and marry her and have beautiful children and…

With a painful tug at her chest, Elena thought about what a great father Stefan was someday going to be.

She hated the fact that she was already jealous of this anonymous woman, the anonymous woman she had mentally created for him.

"You know," Stefan said after a long silence. For a brief second, Elena's heart stopped beating when he looked at her, but her breath returned when his eyes fell on the road. She hated the effect he still had on her. "I was thinking about your whole 'love is like being in a tornado' simile."

Elena concentrated on the road. "And?"

Chuckling to himself, Stefan observed, "I'm pretty sure that if someone was in a tornado, they would not want to be caught in another one."

Unable to keep the grin from curling onto her lips, she took a risk and briefly glanced at him. "Touché."

He rested his head back in the seat, now concentrated on the road. From the tone in his voice, Elena knew he was smiling. "That is, if they made it out alive."

She simply shook her head. Even when he pretty much knew nothing, Stefan still made a point to prove his intelligence. "Know-it-all," she teased, immediately regretting it. Every time she opened herself up to this pleasant feeling that surrounded Stefan -every time she let him in- Elena knew she was playing with fire. She couldn't explain it. He wasn't even a vampire, but there was something so compelling about him, about the atmosphere around him. It was so damn hard to keep him at arms' reach when her body visibly shook and her lips curled up whenever he did something as simple as look at her.

"I mean," he continued after noticing her frown, "I've never been in a tornado before, so maybe it is this life-altering, sensual experience. Or maybe I have. I can't remember. Maybe that's how I became a vampire."

Elena knew what he was doing, and her heart collided with her conscience. He's trying to make you smile. And, damn it, it was working. Why was it working? Couldn't he just let her be sad? Against her better judgment, she poured gasoline into the fire. "You think you died while being caught in a tornado?" she chuckled.

"If anyone asks, that's what I'm going to say." Mission accomplished. A proud smile overtook his face, lighting up his eyes and crinkling his forehead in all the right ways. That look on him was quite refreshing. Usually, Stefan's forehead crinkled and formed those lines when he was pensive and guilty.

Giddy warmth spread through Elena's stomach like wildfire. She wondered if Stefan had felt it too, for he instantly took his eyes off of her and looked down bashfully. The atmosphere surrounding them was almost too much to handle. The sane part of her wanted to burst out into tears, while the nervous-schoolgirl part was making her laugh and reddening her cheeks under his previous stare.

She needed to get out of this car and fast.

Fortunately, she could now spot their destination. Quickly, Elena pulled off on the road and practically jumped out of the car, sucking in all of the fresh-but-not-as-sweet, Stefan-less air her lungs could hold.

Get a grip, Elena. She closed her eyes. Don't even consider this again. You'll ruin him.

She composed herself and turned to face Stefan. "Welcome…," she began, "to the swimming hole. A perfect place to party… and panic."

He eyed her curiously. "Panic?"

Elena walked ahead of him and did not look back; she knew he'd be following. "When you fall in love, there's this really weird feeling you get right before, like 'am I really going to do this?' 'This is insane' But, ninety-nine percent of the time, you do it anyways. Even though you're really scared. It's a lot like…" She ran forward a little bit, and when Stefan caught up to her, she dramatically extended her arms to expose the scene before them.

It was nothing special, but it was spectacular. The small clearing was beginning to bloom with flowers and dandelions, the grass the brightest shade of green he had seen in Mystic Falls. About twenty feet away from them was a cliff. There was no gradual slope. It just… stopped. Amazed by the scene, Stefan approached the edge. Thirty feet below, there was a shimmering lake, teeming with what seemed to be fish and wildlife. Amused and baffled, he turned back to Elena, his eyes almost glimmering. "It's a lot like jumping off a cliff?" he questioned.

She nodded.

Stefan shook his head and laughed to himself. "Everything is a metaphor with you, isn't it?"

Elena smiled and averted her gaze. Stefan could hardly remember where he lived, and yet he was speaking about similes and metaphors like he'd learned them yesterday? She had to admit, she was impressed. But she needed to stop smiling. So, she quickly pursed her lips and started to explain. "Now, I'm not saying you're going to get the whole loving experience here, but a big part of loving is living. You don't need love to enjoy life. They say you fall in love? Why not just fall?" she gestured to the edge of the cliff. "Just let yourself go. Fly."

"You're a writer, aren't you?" He raised an expressive eyebrow. "Is that the real lesson of the day? Jump off of a cliff that symbolizes falling in love while also learning that living trumps love?" He stopped for a second to make sure what he had just said made sense. "Yes, that's what I meant… I think."

Don't smile, Elena. Don't smile. Do. Not. Smile. She smiled. For the hundredth time. And she hated herself a little more. "Pretty much. Look, doing this gives you a similar experience. There's the nerves, the letting go, the falling, the flying…"

"The inevitable crashing," he finished for her. Elena sighed and nodded. Stefan bit his bottom lip, tilting his head slightly. "You think all love ends like that? With a crash?"

She hated the way the hope deflated from his eyes. "It's rare," she finally replied, not knowing exactly how to respond to that. In her case… yes, she had crashed and burned many times. Matt. Damon. Stefan. Especially Stefan, who she should have been flying with forever. "Maybe someday, you won't." But not with her. She would make sure of that.

Stefan nodded and turned his attention back to the cliff, and Elena put herself back on track. "Okay, Stefan," she said, trying to lighten the mood. "You ready to do this?"

He shrugged.

Her heart sank a little bit; she could sense Stefan's disappointment. The previously pleasant air spinning between them had grown stale. "Alright," she interjected. "This is a really bad metaphor. A terrible one. And I don't even understand the point of this anymore, but we're here, and you're going to jump… not because it symbolizes love, but because you're going to have fun."

He sighed and shrugged once more, putting on a smile. "Fine," he agreed. But before he took another step closer to the edge, he faced Elena. "Only if you jump with me."

She held her breath. How could she reject him when he looked so sad, so confused, and so momentarily lost? "Yeah," she breathed. "Yeah, I'll jump with you."

And so, she watched as Stefan kicked off his shoes, and she did the same. He fingered the bottom of his gray t-shirt for a long moment before deciding to keep it on, and for that, Elena was very thankful. When he gallantly offered his hand, she accepted.

They stood at the very edge of the cliff, staring down at the shimmering water beneath them. Stefan swallowed. "How deep is that?"

She chuckled. "Deep enough. Now jump." He continued to stare down, frozen in place. Elena gave him a small nudge. "You know, I'm waiting for you to jump."

He smiled. "I was waiting for you to jump!"

They both looked at each other and laughed for a second too long. After a long second of pleasantly cool silence, Stefan looked back down. "We'll go together. One, two..."

"Three!" Elena shouted gleefully, lost in the moment, in the feel of his hand in hers.

Then, they fell.

Stefan closed his eyes, letting a small shout escape his lips as they descended towards the water. It was true; in the week he had spent in Mystic falls, he had never felt more alive. When they hit the surface of the water, he still held onto her hand as tightly as he could, and, much to his surprise, was able to hold on. The water was cold when it came in contact with his body, but he didn't really mind. They were at least ten feet under the surface before they started swimming again. His lungs began to burn as they rushed to the top. Once he came in contact with sweet, sweet oxygen, he let go of Elena's hand. He let his head fall back and he laughed.

She stared at him in awe, wanting to remember this forever.

"That was… incredible!" he declared. His eyes fell on hers, and her heart felt as if it were going to pound out of her chest. Stefan's green eyes were glowing, and his hair was sticking to his forehead in a disorganized mess and… he was beautiful. Human and beautiful.

She grinned brightly, moving to the shallower part of the lake. "Was it everything you expected?"

"More!" Stefan laughed again and let himself stare at Elena and all of her natural beauty. He'd never felt more thankful for another. His pulse rushed as he continued simply to look at her. The longer he did this, the stronger his heartbeat grew, the pressure building in his chest, spreading to the tips of his fingers and even to the ends of his hair. He didn't even know that was possible, but it was! As he gazed at this girl, this creative, wonderful -did he mention beautiful—girl, the strangest sensation rushed through him, one he had never, ever experienced or expected to experience. And without even thinking, fueled by this wacky adrenaline rush and Elena's wonderful… everything… Stefan leaned forward and kissed her smiling lips, as if he'd done it a thousand times.

He closed his eyes and could have sworn she had just started to kiss back… when they both almost immediately came to their senses and backed away. Stefan, heart still pounding, brought a finger to his lips and stepped further away, shocked by his action. Elena, on the other hand, was staring at something only she could see, a blank look in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he muttered, instantly disgusted with himself. "I have no idea what just came over me."

Elena swallowed thickly, speaking absently. "No, no… it's fine." Her voice was flat as she exited the lake, almost mechanically.

"No," Stefan snarled a bit, internally cursing himself. "That was not fine. That was… that was… there are no excuses. That's terrible. You're with Damon! How could I-" He shook his head once again, confused and angry and… less lost? He shook the thought off. Less lost? That would be ridiculous!

The drive back to the boarding house was awkward. Elena did not take her eyes off of the road and neither did Stefan. Only few words were spoken, and when they were, it was either an apology or a terrible attempt at small talk that did not get very far. After what seemed like hours, Elena pulled up at the Salvatore boarding house.

Stefan avoided her eyes, she so desperately wanted to reach out and hold his hand, tell him that it was perfectly fine, that she understood, that he hadn't done anything wrong. But she wouldn't bring herself to do it.

"Thank you for today," he finally said.

Elena meekly nodded.

He didn't know whether or not to apologize again, but decided against it, for he knew she probably wouldn't hear him. Furious at himself and strangely enough, feeling somewhat hurt –he didn't quite know why-, Stefan opened the car door and walked into his house.

Elena quickly drove away, holding the steering wheel tighter than she ever had before while she drove. She did not make it too far though, her pounding, confused, unclear thoughts surrounding her and suffocating her. Once she got a good mile away from Stefan's house, Elena pulled over onto the side of the road and rested her head against the steering wheel.

Then, she cried.


Make me a monster,
Make me a beast,
Prey on my weakness,
Become my disease
I've been lovesick and empty,
Cold and I'm trembling
Still holding out
For my fairytale ending


AN: Hey everyone! Sorry for the slow update! School is back. *sigh* I hope you liked the chapter! A lot happened. Things just got very complicated between Elena and Stefan. Please leave a review letting me know what you thought about the chapter. Every comment means the world to me, and you all know that they keep me writing this story. So, please, tell me what you loved, what you hated, what you want to see/what you want to happen.

What will Elena do now? What will Stefan do now? Now that they kissed, will things get more or less complicated? How is Stefan going to sort out all of these confused feelings, and how will Elena deal with her guilt?

The song credit (the song at the beginning and end of this chapter) is "Monster" by Ron Pope. It's a really beautiful song, and I wanted to share it with you guys. I thought it really expressed Stefan and Elena's feelings in this story at the moment.

Please leave a review!

Thanks!

Xoxo

Sara :)