Chapter 31: Anne's Choices
That evening over dinner, Lady Catherine announced, "I have decided, tomorrow we will tour one of the sights that Anne has selected."
Anne clapped her hands and immediately began rattling off places she wished to go. It was the most words I had ever heard from her mouth on one occasion. As unlike Georgiana, I had no part in making the list and knew little of castles and what was most significant, I cannot say that I contributed much to the conversation, but it was just as well. Anne seemed annoyed with anyone who tried to respond to her, insisting, "I say" or "My turn" and everyone else quickly ceased saying anything at all.
I will admit that eventually I stopped listening to Anne. Instead I dwelled within my own thoughts, pleasant reveries of Miss Elizabeth. It must have been during this time that a location was decided upon.
I do recall that near the conclusion of dinner, Anne finally fell silent and the lack of monologue gained my attention. After Anne was quiet for a while, Lady Catherine turned to Anne and said, "Then it is decided. Now Anne, should you like to take your cousins, or would rather it be just me and Mrs. Jenkinson?"
Anne responded, "Not now, not now." We were quiet and Anne then began rattling off more of her thoughts of the places to go, which seemed to be rather the same as everything she had said before. Later she announced, "I want Mama and Mrs. Jenkinson."
I was pleased enough with this decision as that day had given me much to think on and I relished the idea of having a quiet day.
On Saturday, Lady Catherine, Anne and her companion left early in the morning for their excursion. They returned that evening shortly before dinner, but I did not see them until dinner. When we were all seated at the table, Anne announced, "I went, I went! I saw what she saw."
As I had not been privy to all the particulars of their outing, I asked, "Where did you go, Anne?"
She looked straight at me and said, "Hever Castle." Then she looked at Lady Catherine and said, "Mama, you tell it."
While I would have liked to hear more about it from Anne, she looked tired and she was evidently deferring to her mother's ability to explain it all much more quickly and easily. I recalled acting similarly when I was younger, when it took so much effort to explain myself.
My aunt was in fine spirits and eager to talk about the outing with Anne. She told us, "Oh, I wish you could have seen Anne's fine discernment in selecting Hever Castle, the childhood home of Anne Boleyn, for her first tour! I found the grounds with its double moats, the great hall with its wood paneling and fine tapestry and all the Tudor portraits most delightful. Anne was so excited to view the prayer books signed by Anne Boleyn, that she began to shake. I hired a man to give us a proper tour, but I should not have bothered as Anne knew more about Anne Boleyn than our guide and corrected him on several points."
There was little for me to do but listen, however, the variation of the conversation from my aunt's usual topics made the time go quickly. As they were all tired from their outing, they retired straight away after dinner.
The next morning, we attended the church service. Though being a staunch member of the Church of England was expected of me, I secretly longed for a service less stodgy and more fervent. The church service with its set readings for the day and indifferent sermon delivered by Mr. Collins did not particularly capture my attention, but perhaps no service would have when I knew Miss Bennet was near. I was very aware of her presence, wearing her yellow frock. I felt she had worn the dress that matched her ribbon as a special sign to me.
However improper, being in church with the drone of Mr. Collins' voice left me free to think. The resurrection of our Lord reminded me that I had been redeemed from sin, but also redeemed in Miss Elizabeth's eyes from evils she had feared. True, as a man I had sins enough; I did not strive enough to help others around me, I had carnal thoughts, I was often impatient and hurried, I was too focused on things of this world and myself. But I had not sought to separate Miss Bennet from Bingley, or purposely set out to harm George.
Then I prayed silently as I was wont to do. First, I recalled and recounted all the ways I felt God had guided my path toward Elizabeth, including Bingley's invitation to Netherfield and her visit to the Collinses, and thanked Him. Then I requested his help:
I humbly ask You, God, to assist me in helping Miss Elizabeth learn who I am, that You would make me more forthright and honest, quicker to share all she needs to know. I would ask that You judge me not for my affliction but for my attempts to serve You faithfully and that when I err You would not judge me too harshly.
God, I pray that You would likewise help me to be who Miss Elizabeth needs and for her to understand my intentions even when the results of my actions are flawed and for her to forgive me when I err. I pray that You would draw her to me and that it would be Your plan to unite us in marriage. Please place a hedge of protection around us, to protect us from the evils of the world which seem to want to separate us.
Please, Holy Father, give me a sign when the time is right that I would know to seek her hand. I pray that she would become my bride and I her bridegroom, and that You would bless our marriage with children. I pray for children as unblemished as she and that whatever is wrong with me would die on the vine and not be passed on.
After the service there was not much time to exchange more than a greeting, but Miss Elizabeth seemed at ease with me and I felt more at ease myself, having both thanked God and having requested His assistance.
Monday, Miss Elizabeth visited once again for the purpose of practicing the pianoforte with Georgiana. I was disappointed to not be able to exchange more than a few words with her before they went to practice. Consequentially, I began waiting for the tea that was to follow earlier than I usually did. Given that Lady Catherine would be in attendance, too, I waited with her.
While we sat, Lady Catherine reviewed most thoroughly with me once again all the particulars of Anne's outing to Hever Castle before talking about possible other outings for Anne. I was pleased that my aunt had embraced broadening Anne's world, but I wished that I did not have to hear all about every possible castle and site they could visit. It seemed that the time before Miss Elizabeth and Georgiana would arrive was interminable.
Suddenly my aunt paused in her recitation, looked at a little clock on a side table in the drawing room and then exclaimed, "What can be keeping Georgiana and Miss Elizabeth?"
I glanced at the clock myself and thought it odd, they usually finished at half past four and now it was almost five o'clock.
A few moments later Georgiana ran in the room, and I rose to greet her. She grabbed my arm and said, "Brother, I must speak to you!"
Before I could say anything, Lady Catherine jumped to her feet and asked "Georgiana, whatever is the matter? Is something wrong with Anne."
Georgiana turned from me to address our aunt. Her answer confused me. She said, "No . . . yes, but not really." She bit down on her lower lip and clasped her hands tightly together; I could see her knuckles whiten even as her fingertips grew red. Then she pursed her lips, took three deep breaths and explained herself. "You see . . . Anne is upset but nothing is truly wrong, and I am certain Mrs. Jenkinson will handle it. Please Lady Catherine, it is not Anne that I am worried about and I need my brother."
With a sweep of her hand Lady Catherine dismissed us and got up, perhaps to seek out Anne.
I turned back to my sister and could not account for how much her appearance had already altered in only moments. She was trembling, sweaty and pale.
I pulled Georgiana into an embrace. I felt her body quiver and shake. "I am so sorry, Brother, truly I am."
"What is it? Whatsoever or whosoever has caused you this fright?" I felt fear; I knew that something was terribly wrong.
"I am not afraid exactly." Georgiana seemed to be trying to reason out what she was feeling, then adding, "but very sad and confused. Miss Elizabeth left."
"What do you mean?" I asked, pulling partially away so that I could look at her but still holding her close with one arm.
"I went to fetch a piece of sheet music I had forgotten in my room. All was calm when I left. Anne was telling Miss Elizabeth about her trip while Mrs. Jenkinson sewed. Even before I returned, I heard Anne yelling."
I felt a tension low in my belly. I recalled how Anne had yelled at a previous dinner and thrown things. I hoped I was wrong in what I was fearing, and, in that moment, I had no desire to be Anne's champion if she had cost me what I wanted, needed, most.
Georgiana continued, "When I reentered Mrs. Jenkinson's chambers, Anne was in a rage and Miss Elizabeth was cowering with her back to a wall while Anne yelled at her, red and angry, waving her arms around and spitting like a wild beast, ignoring her companion's attempts to soothe her."
I felt in hearing this that I could almost see how Anne had acted. I was worried. "And then what happened?" I asked, anxious for my sister to continue, so I could find out how bad things were.
Georgiana was looking up, to the distance as she remembered. "I led Miss Elizabeth from the room and to the garden. She was very upset even though Anne had never even touched her. It seems that during Anne's discussion of Anne Boleyn, Miss Elizabeth stated something about how Boleyn should have been wary of marrying King Henry VIII based on how ruthless he was in divorcing Katherine of Aragon. You can guess that Anne did not take this well and almost instantly fell into a rage."
"It is not your fault." I tried to calm Georgiana, motioning for her to sit on the nearest sofa (coincidentally the one that Anne usually favored) and then sat down beside her. "You could not have known that would happen."
"But I know how Anne can be when she is challenged! Miss Elizabeth did not." Georgiana's lower lip was quivering now. I recalled how when she was a little girl that quiver often portended that tears were to come.
I felt that I should reassure her. "Perhaps it is good that this happened. If Miss Elizabeth should become my wife one day, she should know the good and the bad, and learn how to handle Anne."
Georgiana gave a little sigh and shook her head back and forth in a "no." She responded, "That's just it, Brother, Miss Elizabeth cannot handle Anne. Anne scared her.
"I thought I could calm Miss Elizabeth if I explained more about how Anne can be and what can set her off. Miss Elizabeth listened but it did not seem to help. I tried very hard to get her to return to have our tea, but Miss Elizabeth would not return to the house."
Georgiana seemed on the verge of crying, her eyes looking wet, her lip still trembling. I wondered what this meant for Miss Elizabeth and me.
She continued, "Then I tried to walk with Miss Elizabeth back to the parsonage, but she told me, 'I am sorry Georgiana, but I need to be alone to think.' Then she added, almost to herself, 'I need to think about everything.'"
Georgiana wrung her hands. "I do not think I handled things very well. I am so sorry, Brother. I think she is questioning whether she can cope with how things are."
I asked, "How things are with Anne, or . . ." I did not finish voicing my thought, which was that perhaps Miss Elizabeth in seeing how Anne was, was now more worried about how our affliction manifested in me.
Georgiana's lower lip was now shaking and before her tears even began to fall, I pulled her back into my arms. I felt her tremble and then she began to sob. "I am so sorry brother," she told my coat. I felt like crying but my eyes remained dry.
"What do I do? Should I go to the parsonage?" I asked Georgiana, not expecting an answer. In that moment I dearly wished that Bingley were there. Surely, he would know what to do far better than my younger sister. I knew that I depended upon Georgiana far more than I should have, given her age and most especially being that she was of the gentler sex. The burden of helping me was not fair to her.
Georgiana tremulously answered, "I do not know." But then she added, "Miss Elizabeth asked for time to think, so perhaps it would be best to not call on her today." Having no idea whether my sister was correct or not, I deferred to her.
