The storm rolled in while Mom was still at Hilltop. A gorgeous, wonderful storm that crashed in, but we had ample warning. Judith had asked if we could move the slumber party to my house, but I shook my head and told her that Mom's house was better, if only because I was getting updates from the community, and the people seemed happier to speak to me there, than at my house.

I knew, before Mom left, that Rosita had been harmed, which made Siddiq going with her an even better idea than we first thought. Aaron was off, without Michonne's knowledge I knew, working with Jesus on getting into better fighting shape. A part of him still wanted to be able to recruit new people to our community. The loss of Eric, coupled with his role as a father, made him want better for us. And I had a suspicion that Jesus and Aaron were wrestling with more than just their urge to fight, if the way Aaron blushed when I asked him how his studies were coming was any indication.

Eugene was probably with Rosita, but with no word on him, I forced back worry. I wondered, as Jude and RJ and I snuggled on the couch with a book and a promise from me that I wouldn't make the stories too scary (RJ didn't love the scary stuff, and I couldn't fault him for that either), if Rosita and Siddiq were going to tell Gabe about their after hours activities? I knew, from some of Negan's share sessions, that he'd heard it too. The whispered conversations, the sidelong glances, there were moments, I thought, reading the book that RJ had picked while letting my mind wander, that Alexandria had the feeling of becoming Melrose Place.

I had no idea how much was changing outside the house that I sat in with my little sister and brother. No clue, just yet, of what darkness was slowly coming closer as the storm crashed around us. The whispers, the chill of fear, I'd grown so used to them that they were no longer a divining rod for the danger facing a loved one. It seemed constant, whether Judith was beside me or not, even during the peace that we'd managed since Negan was locked away. And so, as I felt the cold fingers of warning creep up my spine, I shook it off and ignored it because if there was one simple truth I'd learned since the beginning of all the madness so long ago, it was that there was no safety, no peace, only pockets of easiness like the eye of a storm, before the next strike of lightning and the boom of thunder followed.

I woke up in my bed, later that night, darkness still all around and had to take a few beats to remember that I wasn't in MY bed. I was in the bed that lived in Mom's house. One hand was on RJ's tiny body, feeling the reassuring rise and fall of his breathing and the serenity of his warmth, but the other, which had been tucked around Judith's body was empty. Her side of the bed was cool to the touch and I felt my fear ratchet up. We'd gone to sleep, after the storm was dying down, and both of my siblings had been curled up on either side of me.

Lying there, thinking about my next course of action, I worried that I'd lose my mind, but I heard it. I tiny squeak on the staircase, and thought that must mean that she'd gone downstairs for a drink of water. Careful to get up and not wake up RJ, I stepped out of bed and opened the door. And there, in the dim light of the half moon, stood Negan.

I wasn't sure which one of us was more shocked. Him or me, honestly, but my eyes were wide and his were, well resigned.

"Jessi-" It was a breath, clearly he wasn't sure how alone we were, but I noticed that he had Judith's compass around his neck and I knew.

I shook my head and smiled at the floor. "You're leaving." I sounded as resigned as he looked.

"I have to know, Jessi," he took a step toward me, but I surprised him by taking a step back. "I have to see-" he sighed. "That cage, sweetheart, it's driving me insane."

I snorted softly. "Even with my visits? I guess I should be happy, it took longer this time." My eyes met his. "Go, Negan." I started to turn back to join RJ in bed again, but his fingers on my elbow stopped me. "I'm not enough, am I?" I should have known, somewhere deep inside I probably did know, but the realization always sucks.

"It's not that, Jessi, God it was never that." The fingers of his other hand tilted my head up so I could face him fully. "I just- I'd ask you to go with me, but I know that-"

"I can't," shaking my head and whispering. "Because I have to make sure that they're safe, Negan."

"I know that, sweetheart, but I can't stay here." He sighed, his fingers brushing my skin and touching my lips. "I promise you this, Jessica Grimes, I will find you again. And we WILL be together, but first I have to find us that place."

Another soft snort from me. "You sound like Dad," his eyes widened at that. "That elusive safe place, utopia." I shook my head again. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Negan." I let my hand cover his where it was cupping my cheek. "Be safe, and-"

His lips met mine and I felt like dying. Not suicidal, not wishing for death, but actual dying. He was saying goodbye, but using his kiss to remind me that he did love me, and he truly believed that we'd end up together. Who would have guessed that Negan of all people would be so delusional about the dangers of our world?

When he pulled away his eyes were locked on mine. "This is NOT goodbye, Jessi, do you hear me." A nod from me and then he started back down the stairs. "I do promise, and sweetheart, I plan on keeping that one."

Judith was back beside me in bed after morning had fully dawned. I could feel the chill of her skin, and I knew that she hadn't been in the house. I had searched, after Negan was gone, but hadn't found her inside. I heard her sigh, and turned to face her.

"He's gone," I nodded. "He promised not to hurt anyone, not even if they hurt him, Jessi, but he lied." My confusion must have been obvious. "He hurt you, didn't he?" Oh.

"Negan," I considered my words, having always been as truthful as possible with her. "He can't stand being caged, Jude, so he had to go."

"No," she sounded so sure and calm. "He didn't have to go. He has you, and he tells you he loves you all the time, but he just walked away." She looked indignant and irritated. "I let him, though, and-"

"It's ok," I cuddled into her, knowing we had a little time before RJ was up and raring to go. "You didn't make it worse for me, Jude." I brushed her hair back from her face. "I let him go too."

Trying to get through the normal morning routines and NOT worry about Negan out on his own in the wild world that he hadn't been free in for too long to keep me comfortable about his chances, wasn't as easy as anyone would assume. Not even with my experience and the truth of our world reminding me that nothing was guaranteed. If anything, the reality made it harder.

I couldn't be sure that Daryl would live day to day on his own at his shabby camp by the river, and he'd been out for far longer than Negan had, and had far more experience living off the land. These were the thoughts that kept intruding as I put together RJ and Judith's breakfast. I felt her eyes on my back, but as though we'd come to a mutual understanding, neither of us were willing to speak about it again, not now.

It doesn't take long. Breakfast is barely finished when the first alarm is raised. And I knew, even before the first knock came, that they would come to me first. Even if I hadn't been staying in Mom's house, even if I wasn't Rick Grimes' daughter, they'd come to me, because they all knew how I felt about Negan.

Judith, a far better actress than me, offered to help search. While I swore that I had no idea that he'd escaped, or HOW he'd escaped, since I had only visited the OUTSIDE of his prison the day before, Judith got dressed and ready to go. I knew I should tell her not to go, but I also knew that even if she'd promised to shoot him the next time she saw him, he'd be safer if she found him than anyone else.

"I have to stay with RJ," I told the suspicious eyes that were watching me as RJ wrapped himself around my knees. "I promised Mom." Nods, but the clear look of distrust in their eyes told me more than anything else. "Why would I help him leave?" I finally snapped. "Since having him HERE means that I get to be WITH him, helping him go would be stupid, wouldn't you think?" I reached down for RJ. "I hope you find him," and that was true of Judith at least.

Judith did find him, but not before all hell seemed to break loose for the rest of our world. Mom returned, and everything was a flurry of news and irritation and frustration. Negan escaping was almost the least upsetting thing that could have happened.

Jesus is dead. I feel a rush of pain at the loss of a man who was far too kind for this world, even if he had brought Negan and his people to my dad's attention. I wonder how Aaron is taking it. Since I'm getting the news from Mom, I know he must have gone to his daughter's side. Comfort from the unconditional love of a child is unbeatable, I would know.

There's a prisoner in Hilltop, a member new group of badness that seems to actually use the hordes to make their attacks. And not in the same way that Negan used them for guarding the Sanctuary. And Daryl, Mom mentions with a look in my eyes that tells me more than words ever could, is in charge or learning more from the prisoner. I feel a rush of fear and terror at what tactics Daryl will use to get what our people need to keep safe.

Negan's return is almost anti-climatic. Mom, I can see, is shocked that I don't want to go and speak to him. Questions and a suspicion in her eyes that I shake off. Offering to take RJ with me for the afternoon, since she plans on confronting the Council after what she considers their duplicity and backstabbing, she nods, but I know the conversation isn't over.

Judith finds me, playing with RJ on my porch, and I wait to hear what she feels like sharing. Taking a seat on the top step, she watches while RJ runs around the porch trying to grab and catch the ball I was rolling around for him.

"He was coming back on his own," she offers, and I tilt my head to show her I'm listening. "He knows I was right, Jessi, that there's nothing out there now, not for him." Nodding and clapping as RJ catches the ball on the first go this time, I wait for whatever else she wants to share. "He told me he promised you-"

I chuckle as my baby brother launches himself at me and tackles me onto my back. "People promise a lot of things, Jude, you know that." I know she knew it, she'd shared Carl's letter he wrote to her with me. "Promises mean nothing without actions."

"And he's back, Jessi," I was wiggling under RJ's attempts to tickle me into submission. "He's back and he's right there-" I didn't have to look to know she was pointing at his cell. "He loves you."

"Oh, Jude," I sit up, holding RJ's now squirming body as I tickle him back. "I wish that was enough."