He now knew what it felt like to love someone so wholly, so desperately and completely that his heart was no longer the thing pumping blood through his veins. It was her now: her every breath, her laughter, the scent of her shampoo. She became an embedded piece in his foundation, a single stone that when pulled out would bring the rest crumbling behind it. He'd jumped off of the cliff long ago for her; as soon as she looked up at him with those beautiful, brown doe eyes, he willingly jumped without even knowing he'd walked off the edge. He thought he would enjoy the ride. But now, loving her no longer simply felt like falling; he'd already fallen, and it was a known fact that he'd never hit the ground. No, her love was a hurricane, a winding, endless twister of raw emotion that chilled him to the bone. Loving her enthused him and terrified him at the same time. He didn't even know it was possible until she entered his universe and spun everything around until he was so dizzy that she was all he could see.
Stefan sighed and spread his legs across the concrete sidewalk, crossing them at the ankles. He turned his head to face their bed-and-breakfast's run-down pool. Despite the blinding darkness outside, he could tell by the moon's reflection on the surface of the water that it was green and murky. Letting out a deep breath, he reached beside him until he found a pebble and chucked it into the water. The moon's reflection rippled as he did so. Then, he looked up at the night sky and closed his eyes. "What would you do?" he whispered.
Linked. That seemed to be the one word that kept returning to his mind. He was linked to Elena. By coming back, he'd put her own life in danger. As they returned back to the small town after visiting Elysia that evening, Stefan could tell by Elena's wide eyes and bright smile that she viewed this as a gift. As if she couldn't bear the thought of living in a world where he did not exist. It should have made his heart race, but instead, it seemed to only fall with this realization.
She was the only girl for him. But sometimes he did not want to be the only guy for her.
He wished to god that he wasn't, because chances were, eventually he would be hunted down and killed. He was being hunted now by vicious, resentful vampires, and if he died and Elena was ripped from her world after a mere nineteen years…
No. He would not let that happen.
"Damn it, what would you do?" he said a little louder this time, frustrated. What would Stefan do? What would the Stefan that Elena loved do? From what he had heard, the man that he used to be was selfless, a martyr. But now, Stefan felt selfish. What a disappointment he must have become after returning from the dead! He wasn't ready to stop loving Elena; he wasn't ready to break the link.
I'm sorry, he thought to himself a long pause, staring back at the reflection of the moon on the dirty water. I'm sorry because you wanted to stay dead and now I'm here, taking your place. I'm not you. I don't know you, and sometimes I don't think I ever will. I don't know, maybe I don't want to. I'm a disgrace compared to you. She loved you. And now, she loves me. She loves me because she loves you, because she thinks you're in here somewhere. But I think she's wrong. I'm stealing from you. Sometimes I want to run away, change my name. I'm not Stefan, I'm not Stefan Salvatore. Not really. I wear your face but should not wear your name. I love her so much and I don't know why. Really, I hardly know her, only a month; I don't know her like you knew her. I suppose my love for her is a phantom of what you felt, huh? Unlike you, I'm selfish. I want to love her, I want to keep loving her, even when she realizes that you're long gone. I want to love her even if it means I'm putting her life at risk. Jesus. There's a part of you that stayed dead, isn't there? I'm nothing but your shadow. You're long gone. The part of you that wanted to stay dead stayed dead. You left me behind, and I'm broken.
He felt stupid for talking to himself, with hopes of directing the words to the old Stefan. He was confused, had felt confused for a while, and was now suddenly realizing that maybe it would never change. After all, Stefan 1.0 had sacrificed himself for a reason. He wanted to die; why would he want to return to the same shitty world he had left?
"You weren't in bed." Elena's voice took him out of his dark thoughts, and he swiftly turned his head in her direction. "I was worried."
"I'm fine," he swallowed. Sighing, Stefan looked back out at the water. He wasn't quite sure why it intrigued him so much, but he couldn't stop staring. Maybe Old Stefan was hiding somewhere in there. He chuckled morbidly at the thought.
Stefan could hear her gentle footsteps as she made her way over to him, bare feet soft against hard concrete. Although he had heard her coming, her touch against his shoulder startled him, causing him to gasp out and jump slightly. And then the other hand grabbed onto his other shoulder so that she could sit down on his lap, her legs resting on both sides of his thighs, her torso against his. "What are you doing?" she asked once they both got comfortable. Stefan hated how natural this felt.
"Just thinking."
Not yet picking up on his downbeat mood, Elena giggled and imitated him. "Just thinking," she chuckled, pulling herself a little closer to him. "You're sounding more and more like your old self every day. He was very broody."
He did not reply.
Now a bit puzzled by his lack of response, Elena chose to try and bring his mood up. She quickly glanced out at what he was staring at before softly turning his head so that he was facing her. "Linked," she smiled, pressing her forehead against his. Stefan abruptly squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the incredible rush he felt against his skin when they touched. "You and me. True love," she giggled. He could now feel her sweet breath against his lips as she went in for a kiss. Placing both hands on his face, Elena pressed her lips to his for just a second before slowly pulling away.
"Your cheeks are wet," she observed, her mood shifting. "Have you been crying?"
Stefan said nothing.
"What's wrong? Stefan?" She was suddenly overwhelmed by the terrifying thought that his memories had returned to him. What if he had now decided that he could not forgive her for what had happened with Damon now that he actually remembered his own feelings on the matter? Her entire body shook with fear, her heart starting to pound against its confining walls. He still had not spoken. "You're scaring me."
Stefan anxiously dragged his teeth along his bottom lip, an action Elena had never seen on him too often before. He averted his gaze and stared down at the slight empty space between their bodies. "Maybe we should have Elysia break the link."
"What?" Elena questioned, taken aback by his comment. "You heard what she said. If the link breaks… I don't want to stop loving you." Suddenly quite frantic, she reached to his sides and grabbed his hands tightly. "I don't want you to stop loving me."
"We don't even know if that will happen," he started, but Elena quickly interrupted him.
"I'm not risking it," she argued, her eyes burning through his, even in the darkness. "I lost you once. I'm not losing you again."
"You lost him. I'm not him, Elena." His chest tightened with every single word. "I'm not… I'm not the Stefan you fell in love with."
She desperately searched his eyes, confused by his sudden outburst. "Yes," she said, convinced. "Yes, you are. You're just missing a few mem—"
"A few memories?" he scoffed. "I'm missing my entire life. I've fallen in love god knows how many times. I've killed. I've lived over one hundred years and I don't remember most of it. When you met me—him—he had to be different. Changed. Who I am, now, it's not him. He's gone. I think I killed him."
"Stop it!" she said urgently, placing both hands against his face. "You listen to me, Stefan Salvatore. I don't give a damn if you remember me or a thing about who you are. I wouldn't give a damn if you woke up every single day and lost your memory." Hurriedly, she placed a chaste kiss against his lips. "I know who you are. To your core. And if I forgot you right now, this second, I have no doubt I'd fall in love with you right on the spot. Just like you did."
He exhaled deeply, wrapping an arm around her waist to pull her closer to him. His forehead was pressed against hers, they were sharing oxygen, and he could practically feel her heart pounding. "That terrifies the hell out of me."
"Why?" she breathed, running her fingers along his neck, tangling them through the hair at the back of his head, holding onto him for dear life.
"Because I'm going to die, Elena. They're going to find us eventually. I can't bring you down with me."
"I don't care."
He kissed her once again. "And that's what terrifies me. I'm terrified because I hardly know ten things about you and everything in my body is telling me that I'd rather die with you than live without loving you." He could feel his eyes brimming with tears. "And I know that the old Stefan would put you first; he'd break the link as soon as he heard the option, wouldn't he? But I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do that."
Elena blinked slowly. "Then don't. The old Stefan was too righteous if you ask me," she joked, earning a small chuckle out of him.
"I've thought of a few options, you know," he began, not quite ready to lighten the topic yet, "to keep you alive."
Although she felt uneasy about what he was about to say, Elena nodded and urged him to continue.
Stefan released his hold on her and nervously ran his hands along his face. "We could break the link, find a way so that you stop loving me. I'll let myself die—I don't know, have Damon snap my neck. You'll be fine, and you'll be safe. They all want me dead, after all."
Elena's entire world shattered with the possibility of this scenario playing out. She felt the stinging, salty tears immediately well in her eyes and spill down her face. "No. You are not dying for me again." She could feel her shoulders shaking, her body beginning to convulse, but she tried to sit still and stay strong. She was not in an affectionate, comforting mood anymore. No, now she was angry. Furious. So furious she could slap him! "Why are you so eager to die? There's a way around this! I am not burying you again." She roughly pushed herself off of his lap, her hands trembling with rage. How dare he even bring up such a thing?
"I'm not even supposed to be here, Elena," he tried, looking anywhere but at her. He really wasn't too sure why it felt like such a simple option to him. "I'm meant to be dead. I wanted to die. Apparently I didn't want to be dragged back into this world!"
"This world!" she snapped, twisting her head around to send him a glare. Beneath the moonlight, he could make out her tears and her tears only. The rest of her face was indistinguishable. "You mean the world that I ruined for you? I'm sorry! How many times can I apologize before it makes a difference! I hate myself for that!" She could no longer fight the sobs that were wracking her entire body. Stefan wanted to swallow his words and erase them completely.
"He died for you. It's what he would do."
"Well that's not who you are anymore, Stefan! Stop trying to be him!" She clutched her head; it was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to explode. "You don't know the first thing about the man you were! He sure as hell would not find the easy way out like this! Just… stop! Please!"
He looked back out at the pool, every breath, every beating of his heart feeling like a difficult labor. He did not return her anger; he was very calm when he spoke. "I just don't know what to do," he said, his voice cracking. "I'm broken. I came back broken."
Elena glanced at him again, taking note of his exhausted posture and instantly felt bad for snapping at him like she did. Her anger quickly faded and she slowly crawled over to him, placing her hand on his cheek to turn him so that he was facing him. Why couldn't he just see that he was not broken at all? He was beautiful, flawlessly flawed, new. "You want to die to get these vampires off of your back?" She bit her bottom lip and ran her fingertips along his tear streaked face. "Then do it. Right now. You can break the link if you want, but it won't make a difference. I'll follow you." He opened his mouth, but she silenced him. "And I know that scares you, but we are in this together. Whether you like it or not. Here's your chance, Stefan."
He did not budge. Elena took that as a good sign.
"And I know you feel broken. I understand."
Stefan glanced down and reached for her hand, ever so lightly running his thumb along the back of her palm. "I need some fixing."
She sighed. "The old Stefan is in there. I know you find it hard to believe. But I'm sure."
"How?"
She abruptly pressed her lips against his, catching him by surprise. The electricity that immediately rushed through his body was proof enough. "You still love me even though you hardly know me." She kissed him once again. "My name is Elena Gilbert and my favorite color is green. I love staying up late and watching scary movies. I hate the way my voice sounds; it's too deep."
Stefan smiled. "I think your voice is perfect."
"I know," she replied. He'd said it plenty of times before. "Please, Stefan. We will find another option. Just promise me, please, you won't go through with that plan. I'm not letting you die again because of me." Her heart was racing again at even the thought. If he was still considering it she was pretty sure her world would completely break.
"We're in this together, right?" he repeated back to her, making a wide grin curl onto her lips. Immediately, she grabbed him by the face and pulled him into a rough, somewhat sloppy kiss. She gripped his hair tightly and crawled back into his lap and he quickly returned the kiss with equal fervor and hunger.
"I hate you," she whispered against his lips as she continued to kiss him more fiercely than ever before. She hated him; she hated him because he made her love her so much that he became her oxygen, her sunshine, her rain in springtime. Even the thought of him leaving her was enough to make her blood boil and heart explode. "I hate you." When she said it again, he only gripped her tighter, his fingertips digging into her waist as if to let her know that he was not going anywhere. The bond between them in this moment was so fierce, so electric that the air seemed to heat up with every passing second.
"I… love you," he muttered back to her against her lips, gripping her hips tightly and pulling away to place his hot kisses against her neck. Elena closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, running her hands beneath his shirt to feel the smooth, overheated skin beneath. He was here with her, and memories or not, the Stefan she loved, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, was here, in her arms, on her skin. It was a euphoric, incredible sensation that she never wished to lose, and for the first time in a long while, she felt confident that she never would.
"Please, Stefan," she breathed, needing to feel him all over her skin, in her veins, one more time. It had been so long since she'd been with him, since she'd felt his lips all over her body and had happily let herself drown in his love. "I've missed you so much..."
It was all she needed to say. In an instant, he had managed to get them both back to their feet, lips colliding in eager, needy kisses, reminding her of a tidal wave. Nearly blindly, they wandered through the door of the bed and breakfast, stumbling through the hallway, his hands already working at the hem of her sweater. After quite a struggle, they found their door. He trapped her body with his against room 110 and Elena laughed into the kiss. Never parting his lips against hers, with one hand on her waist and the other at the door, Stefan reached around until he found the knob, wasting a few more seconds to shower her lips and neck in kisses before opening the door and closing it behind them.
Elena found it quite hard to believe that his mind did not remember her. That night, as their love turned cosmic and the world around them burned away to ash, it felt as if no time had ever passed between them. Yes, Elena was right. Stefan was not gone; his body remembered hers.
AN: An emotional roller coaster for Stefan and Elena! True love always prevails.
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