Previously in Barely a Memory:
Break the link, was all that Elena's text said.
He furrowed his brows. Then came another message.
Call witch NOW. Stefan will die.
Damon was already dialing Elysia's number.
.
"Please," Elena said brokenly, "fix him. Please, just let Stefan go. I'll do whatever you want."
.
"You are going to come with us and get us closer to this cure. I'll lie and say that you both got away, and I'll let you say your goodbyes before you come back." Elena hung her head, her tears hitting the floor, but she nodded. The vampire continued, "I'm only helping you for one reason: when all is said and done and we are faced with the cure, I am the first one to get it. Clear?"
"Clear," Elena sobbed.
"If you don't come back, his heart will be out of his chest before you can even blink."
Whatever it takes
Tell me you'll stay with me forever
Don't turn away
Tell me you'll stay
'Cause when we're together,I see stars above the headlights
And they don't seem so far away
-Ron Pope "Whatever It Takes"
The ride back to Mystic Falls was anything but silent. Elena wished more than anything that she could have just walked the four hundred miles. She wanted to curl up into herself and stay like that forever. The worst was Stefan. He had so many questions. Too many.
"Why does my chest hurt so much?" he said aloud, placing his hand over his heart as if to make sure it was still there. Elena knew the feeling, but said nothing.
"Elysia said the link takes a good twenty four hours to break," Damon said coolly, hand hardly on the steering wheel and eyes on the road. Elena's heart dropped to her stomach. When she had explained this to Damon yesterday, didn't she warn him that she hadn't told Stefan about this yet? She had, hadn't she? She quickly went back to the conversation they had had yesterday when she and Stefan returned from their kidnapping.
"He's had way too many head injuries," Damon whispered to both Elena and Katherine once Stefan was asleep. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately now, being a teenage boy. "Do these vampires not realize that my brother's head is not an egg?"
Katherine chuckled humorlessly, something Elena quickly learned to be her main defense mechanism. "We've put that thing back together way too many times for them to think that."
Neither Damon nor Elena found that very funny. Katherine shrugged her shoulders and sauntered over to the bedside, taking a seat by Stefan and carefully running her fingertips along the back of his neck to his hair, much like a mother would to a sick child. Elena tensed, but when she recognized a rare twinge of sympathy in the vampire's eyes, her anger faded.
"Well, might as well point out the elephant in the room," Damon stated, arms crossed over his chest. "You're not dead."
"I guess something scared them off," she lied. Her heart might as well have been ripped out of her chest. The link was broken. She was leaving. Dead or alive, she would have to end up leaving Stefan. "There's no way to put the link back together?" Maybe, just maybe if her and Stefan remained linked, she'd be able to survive whatever was to come with these vampires she'd be leaving with. If she carried a part of him with her.
"No. It's gone." Damon's voice was flat, sad almost. Almost.
Elena exhaled deeply, the uncomfortable chill of gooseflesh creeping up on her skin. "Well, I'm going to go to sleep now. Let's go home. There's no point in running anymore if they always find us."
Body tensing up, heart in her throat, Elena gained the courage to look over at Stefan, whose face –at first glance—seemed blanker than a canvas. She caught a quick flurry of confusion, sadness, and above all, betrayal, in his eyes before he glanced out the window again and hid behind an all too familiar wall of feigned nonchalance. Instead of asking further questions, the youngest Salvatore simply said, "Oh," and went right back to typing on his phone. Elena decided it was the worst thing he could have done.
Let me explain, she wanted to scream. I can explain.
She said nothing. She really couldn't explain, after all. She'd screwed up. Badly. Her breaking of the link had been unnecessary. Completely, totally unnecessary! The vampires hadn't killed her, after all. And oh, how she should have just told Stefan!
Maybe all of this –her leaving in two days—would be easier if he hated her, resented her, for the poor decision she had made.
Stefan did not look up for the rest of the trip.
Mystic Falls no longer felt the same. Homey, yes, but not home. Not Elena's home. Not anymore.
The moment they pulled up to the Salvatore boarding house, Stefan was the first to get of the car. As soon as he came in contact with the fresh, Virginia air, he inhaled deeply. Elena wondered how long he'd been holding his breath.
The first thing Stefan noticed was Caroline, happy and waving on the lawn. As soon as he saw his friend, he dropped his duffel bag on the asphalt driveway and ran at her with a smile on his face, colliding with her in a hug that nearly sent her off of her agile feet. "Jesus. Hey!" Caroline giggled, wrapping her arms around his shoulder to keep balanced. "Nice to see you too!"
Stefan laughed and buried his face in her shoulder. "I missed you." Caroline grinned widely. She had to admit, it felt great to know that at least someone cared. It meant the world to her that her friendship with Stefan, although he did not remember all of it, was the most solid thing in his life.
Once they pulled away from their hug, she slapped him on the arm. Hard. She was a vampire, after all, and she did not hold back.
"Ow!"
"You are terrible at responding to texts!" she complained angrily. "I sent you like thirty and the first time you actually text back is today. Really?"
Stefan laughed again and shrugged his shoulders. Elena watched this exchange from afar, her heart heavy in her chest. So that was why Stefan was on his phone during the whole trip. She hated the twinge of bitter jealousy she felt in the pit of her stomach. In Stefan's eyes, Caroline could do no wrong. She was there for him, in ways she could never be. Elena wanted to bring that smile to Stefan's face. She wanted to make him laugh simply by looking at him. But she couldn't. At times, sure, but now, after being given multiple chances…
She'd blown them all.
"So is it true?" Caroline asked after the two had quickly caught up, heading into the boarding house with a few bags in tow. "You remember?"
"No," Stefan quickly answered, shaking his head. "I don't remember any more now than I did when I left."
"Then what were you talking about in your texts? You said, 'I can remember.'"
He took one of his bags off of her shoulder as they made their way up the stairs into his room. It was kind of strange, how familiar old Stefan's room was becoming to him. "I can. If I want to." When Caroline gave him a confused look in response, he continued, "Think of it like a locked box. I have the key. When I want to open said box, I can, but I haven't yet."
She nodded her head in understanding but needed to vocalize the question swimming through her brain. "Why not?"
"I don't know," Stefan sighed. "I was going to do it with Elena. You know, choose a meaningful moment. But now, I don't know. I just don't know."
Elena tried to be helpful with carrying bags, but all she really ended up doing was following Damon back and forth as he brought their few belongings into the house; her mind was elsewhere. Now, after everything was settled, she was left alone with him in the parlor, which suddenly felt a whole lot emptier than it used to.
"So these vampires," Damon started, dropping Katherine's heavy bag on the ground, "They just left?" He raised a suspicious brow, to which Elena simply nodded. "From your text at least, they seemed pretty… determined."
Suddenly interested in the cracks on the floor, she swallowed. "I don't know. I just told them we had backup and… um, I said that we had Elysia on our side." Her lies appeared effortless, but not effortless enough. Damon once again rose an eyebrow but simply agreed.
"They've probably heard of her."
"Yeah." Elena finally looked up to meet his eyes in a gaze that fed the awkward silence. He was waiting for her to say something, anything else, but she had nothing to say, nothing except for a possible Where's Stefan? She needed to talk to Stefan, yes, but she decided not to press the subject around Damon. "So, you and Katherine." Her voice was cautious, venturing into unknown territory.
"Hm?" He acted as if he had no clue what she was talking about. Liar.
She laughed a little and picked her own bag up off of the floor. "You guys have gotten closer. I don't trust her, but she seems to get you." She didn't quite know what to say after that. She's good for you. No. You seem happy with her. Sort of. The words left a slight taste of jealousy in the back of her throat, but Elena swallowed it. She knew not to hold on to something she had already let go of. Damon deserved to be happy, too. And in return, that made her happy. Maybe it was the simple fact that this was her actual last day in Mystic Falls that filled her body with aching nostalgia. It wasn't nostalgia for her former relationship with Damon, no; it wasn't that at all.
She finally asked, "Has Caroline left?"
"I think so."
"I'll see you around," she said, motioning to the upstairs. Her way of mentioning Stefan without mentioning Stefan.
"Yeah. See you."
Elena trekked up the winding staircase without looking back. She didn't really want to.
Her feet were exceptionally heavy across the staircase on her short journey to Stefan's room. She was constantly battling internally with herself: to visit him, or to not visit him. Of course, she had to. It was her goal to leave tomorrow, and if anyone deserved a proper goodbye and explanation, it was Stefan. Even if he chose not to forgive her for her decision to leave, she would give him an explanation. She would explain the situation and leave. If he tried to convince her otherwise, she'd go. If he tried to move heaven and earth to keep her, she'd cry herself to sleep every night but still, she'd go.
Stefan had sacrificed himself for her once. It was her turn to sacrifice herself for him. It's not like they could keep her forever, after all. One day they would let her go. She would return for him. And hopefully his heart would still be hers. Hopefully.
A song was playing in his room, its slow, haunted thrums vibrating across the hall, from the floorboards into her toes, reverberating back and forth in her chest for a while. She nearly seemed empty in there.
It was beautiful, the song. Not something he'd usually be listening to.
Elena rested against the doorway and merely watched him for a few moments as he ran his fingertips gingerly across his desk, the once meaningful heirlooms now meaningless to him. He read over a letter –which appeared to be from Lexi—a few times before setting it down. The words were so hollow.
Elena swallowed the lump in her throat and finally gained the courage to speak. "She was your best friend: Lexi." Stefan slowly turned his head and came in contact with her eyes. His head was hung low, his shoulders slumped. He was visibly exhausted. She could only imagine how he felt on the inside. "She died. She died horribly." She hung her head in disgust at the memory. "I was there. You loved her so much, Stefan. I'm sorry."
This story, of course, stirred up no direct memories within him. "Don't apologize."
She needed to apologize, though. "If you choose to remember everything, you need to know that it was a lot of pain you dealt with. You were in a mental fist-fight with death every day. I hated how the idea was always there, always in the back of your mind. Some days, of course were better than others, but there's no doubt that you considered it every single day. When I left you behind, I guess you let it win."
He believed her, he did. "That's not why you came in here though, was it?"
She hung her head in shameful agreement. "I shouldn't have broken the link. I should have told you."
Stefan couldn't disagree. "Yes. You should have." Once again, he turned his back to her and busied himself with simple chores, like re adjusting picture frames or brushing non-existent dust off of furniture.
"Well? What's on your mind?" she pried. He was shutting her out; she very well knew that he was very good at this. She would not let him put his walls up, though. Not tonight.
He laughed, an unfilled, grim chuckle. "It doesn't really matter now, Elena, does it? What's done is done."
Feeling her anger rising, Elena clenched her fists and finally entered his room. "No. That answer's not good enough. Don't shut me out. You always shut me out!" As a response, he turned his head just to the side, so she was in his peripheral. "I know you don't remember, but you've spent the past one hundred and seventy years keeping people at arms' reach, and finally, when there's someone here who loves you and has poured her heart out to you time and time again and is apologizing for making a massive mistake, you still can't have the decency to give me eye contact? You can't have the decency to pour your heart out to me in return?" Her voice had reached a crescendo, her anger flooding her mouth with words of red, hot rage.
Now, he turned. And when he did, he moved so slowly, so calmly that it made Elena want to shrink into herself. She'd expected him to yell back at her, say something, fuel her fury… But no, he simply turned and looked at her, disappointment evident in his tired, green eyes. It was worse than any shout from him could have been. "You think I haven't poured my heart out to you enough?"
No, that was not what she had meant to say. These past few months, he'd been so good at being open with her. He'd exposed his soul in so many ways, shown her new colors and depth and layers she didn't even know he had… That was not what she meant at all. "Stefan—"
"You want me to break down when it might not even matter tomorrow, Elena?" His voice was still calm, so chillingly calm. She knew he was anything but composed, though; his trembling fingertips were the main indication. His body trembled like that when he lost Lexi, when he spoke of losing Katherine, when he left her behind on that chilly night not so long ago to die in the woods…
Elena didn't quite know what to say. She just wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let go. She did not move, nor did she speak. She waited for him to keep talking.
"I don't blame you for breaking the link. I would have done the same thing if your life was at risk," he finally assured her, though it did not make her feel much better. His eyes burned into hers, replete with a chilling look of love and sadness and loss. There was no anger. Not like she'd expected. "I'm just so terrified that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and not feel like this. That you're not going to feel like this." He gestured to the empty space between them. "Once it's fully broken… I'm scared, Ele-."
Now, she understood. She completely understood, and oh, how it filled her entire body with despair and longing and… and before she even knew it, she was running to him, burying her face in his chest and inhaling his distinct, wonderful, perfect scent before he could even finish her name and she was weeping and holding him so tightly he probably couldn't breathe. And oh, she was so worried that he was going to push her away, although deep down, she knew he never would. No, he wrapped his arms right back around her, just as tight, his face in her hair. "I love you," he murmured. "I love you so much it hurts."
She knew the feeling. She hated it, loathed it to the core of her being. She despised how this already felt like a goodbye, an indefinite one for Stefan and a confirmed one for her. And as she pulled away from this embrace and looked into his eyes, she decided that this should be the moment at which she told him she had to leave, but as soon as she recognized the pain in his gaze, that pain which screamed that losing her was his biggest fear, she couldn't bring herself to do it.
Please, she thought, willing for him to hear these silent words and obey to them, somehow. When you wake up tomorrow, please don't be in love with me.
It would make everything easier if this link created a void in Stefan's heart. Even then, that terrified her more than the idea of leaving ever had.
Instead of telling him this, she simply said that she loved him. Over and over again. Between what felt like a thousand desperate kisses. His fingers through her hair was easily the realest thing she'd ever felt in her life. Once she pulled away, Elena ran her fingers along his face, over his lips, trying to commit it all to memory. Breathing heavily, she looked in his eyes once again. "No matter what happens, these past few months since you came back… They've been the best."
They both laughed at Elena's lack of a better word. Stefan softly used the pad of his thumb to wipe away one of her tears, though a new one quickly took its place. "Thanks for letting me fall in love with you again."
"I fell in love with you again, too," she said, gazing up at him. "I fell in love with all the new parts of you." Her shoulders now violently wracked with sobs and he kissed her to try and settle her. But she tasted his salty tears on her lips, too.
He was the one to pull away, his hands cupping her face. "When we get out of this and wake up tomorrow still in love with each other, we're going to have a serious argument about you breaking the link, okay?" he nearly promised, eyes boring into hers. Elena could only nod, weakly laughing at his attempt to lighten the mood and be positive. If only he knew…
"We will," she said, shaking so much that he had to hold her in place.
"The make-up sex will be fantastic."
"It'll be fantastic," she repeated back through her tears. His attempts at comforting her seemed to only bring her closer to hysteria, but she didn't have the nerve to tell him why.
He pulled her as close to him as humanly possible. His cheek was against hers, lips warm against her ear. She heard his heavy breathing, too; he was trying not to cry, but clearly failing at this point. "And as soon as this is all over, I'm going to pick you up over my shoulder and carry you all the way to Vegas and we're going to get married right away."
Oh, god. Her heart was breaking. "Okay," she stuttered out. Say something, Elena. Say something! They both knew these were empty promises. The future seemed too vast now, so horribly vast…
If only this moment could last into eternity. If only this night could stay night and not fade to morning. They just needed this moment right here, with her arms around his torso and his hands on the small of her back. "I will always love you," she swore, no matter how untrue those words could have turned out to be.
"You are everything to me, 'Lena," he breathed into her hair, making her entire body shiver in the best –and worst—of ways. When he tilted his head back to kiss her again, it truly felt like he was trying to take the oxygen from her lungs, extract the soul from her body and hold onto it perpetually. And she was okay with that. More than okay. After what felt like eternity, they pulled away, breathing heavily. "Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow," he started, eyes still closed, lips still craving her kiss once again, "but we have to live tonight like it's our last."
Elena couldn't help but agree, her lips crashing against his once again. Forget tomorrow, forget leaving, forget it all. They had now and that was all that mattered. She needed this. He needed this. They needed this. And she would grow to regret this night, for it would haunt her every dream in the years to come, but now, in this moment, it didn't matter too much. All that mattered was his hands on her hips and his clumsy steps guiding them to the foot of his bed. All that mattered was the way he pressed her body to the mattress like he was trying to imprint her into it. All that mattered was Elena and Stefan. Stefan and Elena. All thoughts of a terrifying tomorrow were irrelevant.
Not shockingly, hours later, as Stefan was motionless and nestled against her with his arms around her and his breath steady on her shoulder, Elena could not find solace in sleep.
The sun was barely beginning to rise when Elena looked over at the clock. They'd been brought back from the vampires' kidnapping at around five am yesterday, meaning that the link had probably started to break around four or four thirty. It was now five thirty. Twenty four hours had passed. That uncomfortable pain in her chest had now been replaced by a hollow sensation in her chest. Fearing what her reaction would be, Elena turned her body around and turned to Stefan, who was still fast asleep. His arms were still around her, and he seemed to be smiling just a bit. She wondered what he was dreaming about. She still loved him. God, how she still loved him. She loved him no less than she had yesterday.
Elena couldn't help but sigh out in relief. That relief, however, was short lived. She knew, after all, what she had to do now. It was time to go. Just when she began to turn and crawl out of bed to find some clothes to change into, Stefan stirred a bit. Mentally cursing herself, Elena turned back to him, meeting his sleepy eyes. He was out of it and half asleep, for sure, but this surely would be the moment of truth. Did he still love her like she loved him? "You're beautiful," he murmured, just like he did every morning, too hazy from sleep to realize just how significant this morning actually was to the both of them. Elena swallowed and closed her eyes, already feeling fresh tears filling her eyes. He loved her. He loved her just as he always had.
She reached over and ran her thumb along his bottom lip. She knew very well, from previous experience with a half asleep Stefan, that he would have no recognition of this encounter when he woke up later in the morning. So, one last time, she told him that she loved him.
"Mmm, love y'more," he smiled, eyes already closed. Maybe he did.
And just like that, he was asleep again, snoring gently. Elena placed a subtle kiss against his unmoving lips one last time. "Goodbye, Stefan," she whispered. And as soon as she untangled herself from his limbs, she found that leaving that bed was the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life. Who knew when she'd be back in that bed with him? Never was a sure possibility.
And so, as he slept, she sat at his desk and wrote a rushed letter. It was equally as hard as getting out of the bed. She had so much to say… So many possibilities. But she had to be quick and finish before Damon or Katherine awoke as well.
Stefan,
You're probably wondering where I am right now… If I'm downstairs looking for breakfast or if I've gone out. I'm sorry I have to tell you this through letter, but I've decided to leave town. I think it would be best for both of us. I don't know how long I'll be gone or if I'll ever be back, but please don't wait around for me. You need to move on. For me, please, will you move on?
I woke up this morning and a part of me seemed to be gone. When I looked over at you, I felt nothing. I'm not sure what this feeling is, but I do know one thing: the link is broken and I do not love you anymore.
.
The lies were rushing from the pen to the paper and she sure hoped her tears wouldn't stain the page too much. This, after all, was the only way to keep him from looking. So, she kept writing.
.
I hate that things had to end like this. I didn't want to face you this morning and tell you. Maybe it's easier this way. Now that I am out of your life, I want you to find happiness, I do. I don't know what I'll do now, but I do know one thing—my future does not lie with you and that will not change. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than I now have to offer. I hope you understand.
Please don't look for me. I do not wish to see you right now. The memories we've shared have been wonderful and I will carry them with me, but my attachment to you ends there. I need a fresh start. I'll call Jeremy and Bonnie tomorrow to say goodbye and explain myself. I assume you will inform Caroline and Damon.
Maybe we'll cross paths in the future. I sure hope you can move on like I have.
-Elena
She had to cover her mouth to keep her loud sobs from waking up Stefan and the rest of her house. She felt miserable, guilty, and horrible. She had to admit though, she was a bit relieved to know that she would not be present to see all the pain she would inevitably be putting Stefan through.
But oh, the idea of it filled her with so much pain. She loved him, wanted to scream it to the world right now and wake him up and write it all over her disgustingly false letter, but she didn't. Stefan's life depended on it. So, instead, she left it right on the desk and headed out of the room, closing the door behind her.
As soon as she was out of the Salvatore boarding house, Elena collapsed to the ground in a heap of hysterical sobs.
A few hours later, Elena was in her car, just outside the state of New Jersey. Her tears seemed to have finally ceased, now replaced with an aching numbness that resonated through her entire body. She tried not to think about Stefan and the life she'd left behind, but every little thing seemed to be a reminder.
She wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call him. She was tempted, too. Maybe she could just call and listen to his voice, much like he once had when he'd left with Klaus. It didn't seem like such a bad idea. Yes, it was a horrible idea, but she was feeling guilty and was physically aching for him. She just needed to know if he was doing okay, that he hadn't done something foolish after reading her letter.
Elena hated herself for pulling over and turning her phone on. She knew she would have to deactivate this thing soon, but just for a few more days…
She was not surprised by the four missed calls from Stefan, though they did seem to only twist the knife in her heart. On top of that, she had one missed call from Damon, one from Jeremy, and one from Caroline, who had left a message about an hour earlier.
Elena didn't want to play the message, but she had to. She knew her friend was just going to scold her for leaving and, yes, Elena needed a good scolding, needed someone to yell at her and tell her that she was a horrible, heartless human being.
So, she pressed play. At first, she only heart rustling and what seemed to be muffled yelling, and much to her dismay, Elena soon realized Caroline hadn't meant to leave a message and had forgotten to hang up.
She was just getting ready to delete it, when she could hear the voices to the yelling. Caroline, definitely, and…
Stefan.
Dear god, she could hear Stefan incoherently yelling something while Caroline seemed to be trying to comfort him. This exchange went on for a few minutes, stopped, and then they picked it up again until the timer on the voicemail ran out. Hurriedly, Elena pressed play again, needing to discern his words.
She heard him say, "She's gone," a good five times, which took the oxygen from her lungs. Caroline was yelling at him to stop breaking things, and then there was a long silence between them, where Elena could hear nothing but heavy breathing. "Everything hurts," Stefan had said. "I can't move on. I can't… I can't breathe." At this point, Elena's hands were shaking so badly that she wasn't sure she would be able to start driving again. And then she heard Stefan say the one thing that broke her heart the most: "I wasn't enough." That was the last thing she could make out before the jumble of his and Caroline's voices blurred together into incoherency.
Elena clenched her teeth together and balled her fists, furiously hitting the steering wheel over and over again. She hated the vampires who had kidnapped them so much. She swore to herself that she would kill all of them before they had a chance to even snap their fingers. She hurt so much, felt so broken… She never wanted to love again.
"You were enough," she cried, wishing he could hear her. "You were enough."
I'm afraid of things I don't know
I miss your face whenever you're gone
Whatever it takes, tell me you'll stay
-Ron Pope "Whatever It Takes"
A/N: AHhh! Emotional chapter! Sorry once again for the slow update, but school has started and I'm trying to balance it all. I have a crazy amount of work. I'm going to call this the end of "Part 1" of this story because, in the next update, there will be a significant time jump (That is, if you want more. If you think it would be best, I may just tragically end it here. But I feel like there is still a story to tell). That being said, if I do choose to keep this story going, there MIGHT be a bit of a hiatus in between now and my next update (aka the beginning of part 2), like a month or so, just so I can concentrate on schoolwork. But also, depending on how inspired I feel, I might update next week as well! It all depends!
Please leave a review letting me know what you thought. Will Stefan and Elena ever find their way to each other again? Will Stefan be able to move on, and what will Elena do? How will they both react to this tragic separation? Stefan is convinced that Elena no longer loves him and Elena's doing everything she is doing to keep him alive! Please let me know what you thought of the chapter: what you loved, what you hated, any additional thoughts.
Thank you so much! Let me know if you'd like to see part 2!
Xoxo,
Sara
