Remus was on edge as he entered the Great Hall that morning, mentally preparing for the day. He was an anxious person to begin with but nothing set him off quite like the night of a full moon. There was so much that could go wrong, so many potential dangers, he wondered sometimes how Dumbledore had ever allowed him to set foot in the castle.
Remus was the last of the four Marauders to arrive for breakfast, squeezing in between Sirius and James on the Gryffindor bench. He didn't say a word, his head too cloudy with all of his usual worries, as he reached for a piece of toast.
"Alright, Mooney?" James asked, looking up from the Transfiguration homework he was completing only now.
"Fine." Remus slathered his toast with butter and jam, crumbs spilling from his mouth as he bit into it. He hadn't much of a stomach for breakfast this morning but entering the evening on an empty stomach would only make things worse.
"He's just getting ready to deal with that furry little problem of his, aren't you mate?" Sirius teased – always one to make light of a stressful situation.
"Furry little problem?" came Leila's voice from behind them. All three boys froze. Peter, who was the only one facing her, smiled nervously. He had always been a terrible liar.
"Oh, you know," James stepped in, ever the problem solver. "It's um…a term we use to describe Remus' rather beastly studying habits."
Leila raised her eyebrows. "Furry little problem," she repeated, quite amused.
"He becomes terribly grumpy," Peter added.
"And a little nocturnal." Remus kicked Sirius under the table.
"Well, do you think you could keep the beast at bay for one more night and help me with my Arithmancy homework? I'm completely stumped and there's a quiz tomorrow in class."
If there was one thing Remus hated more than lying it was disappointing people. Leila looked so hopeful, batting those long, dark eyelashes at him, a smile tugging at her lips. He wanted to say yes. What Remus would've have given to spend his night in the library with Leila, working through her homework together, rather than roaming the Hogwarts grounds as a giant, yellow-eyed beast.
"Well I…I would love to but…" Remus was stuttering. He always lost track of his sentences when he lied, it was how James and Sirius had sniffed out his secret in the first place.
"Remus has already promised to help me with my paper for Muggle Studies," James announced, shrugging his shoulders unsympathetically. "He'll need to bring the beast out because as we all know I am absolutely rubbish at muggle history."
"Oh," Remus could see the disappointment in Leila's eyes, the falter in her voice. "I see…"
"Don't take it too personally love, we're just not used to sharing our Remus here yet."
"Right. Well…I guess I'll just, see you around then?" The tone in her voice made Remus' stomach sink.
"Yeah," he nodded, a little too enthusiastically, "I'll come looking for you."
Once Leila had disappeared back up the hall Remus slumped down in his seat, drained. Could this day be any more unbearable?
"It really wasn't that bad," Peter assured him from across the table. "She'll forget all about it in a few hours."
"It was a lot easier keeping it a secret over the summer." This was just the first month, but what about the next? And the following? Leila would grow suspicious eventually, they all did, and sooner or later – if Remus wasn't careful – she would connect the dots.
"Stop worrying," James wagged his finger in Remus' face. "It's fine. Leila doesn't suspect a thing and besides if you two keep going the way you are I see no reason why she shouldn't be let in on the truth." The thought of admitting the truth to his sweet, innocent girlfriend made Remus feel ill.
This was exactly why Remus had never bothered to hold down a relationship. He'd gone on dates with girls or shared a drunken snog at a party but never more than that. He'd known the risk that came with getting involved with someone like him. He just hadn't been able to stop with Leila…not when she made his stomach do backflips every time he saw her. She was so lovely, so caring, and she cared about him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so good about himself.
Sooner or later though, the truth would need to come out or Remus would run like he always did, the way he had since he'd been a little boy. It was easier to run than to admit to those you cared about that you were a monster. There was nothing worse than seeing the disgust cross their faces, the horror as they realized that Remus held a sinister secret inside of him.
Alice giggled girlishly at something naughty Frank had whispered in her ear. She'd been exhausted this morning – waking up early was never her thing – and had been pouting the whole walk to Charms. When they'd finally settled into their seats, side by side, Frank had done what he usually did and found a way to make his girlfriend smile. She loved him for it.
"You're terrible," Alice continued to laugh, pushing Frank away playfully.
"Yeah, but you love it, don't you Griffith?" She didn't want to give him the satisfaction and yet she couldn't keep the big, goofy grin off of her face. He poked her sides, tickling her until she burst out laughing again, earning a few irritated glares from their fellow classmates.
"Get a room," Marlene told the pair grumpily, sitting at the desk in front of them. "It's too early to be this happy."
"We can't all spend our days drowning in existential angst, can we Marlene?" Frank teased her. Marlene turned around and stuck her tongue out at him. Alice planted a kiss on Frank's cheek just to really piss Marlene off; it was too easy getting her riled up.
Alice and Frank had been good, better than good, in the weeks that had passed since her kiss with Everett. She'd stuck to him like glue and he didn't seem to mind, the pair of them doing practically everything together. It made it all the easier to avoid running into Everett or thinking about him for that matter. Mary had been right; one stupid, irresponsible mistake was not worth blowing up a good relationship over.
The class began shortly, Professor Flitwick standing on top of his stool near the head of the room. Alice and Frank held hands under their desk the entire time, smiling at each other every time they made eye contact. They stayed like that until everyone was to pull out their wands and begin to practice the new spell Flitwick had just demonstrated for them all.
"Oh come on Marlene Just tell me who it is." Emmeline, Marlene's partner, was insisting.
"A boy?" Alice couldn't help herself, she loved a bit of gossip.
"Did you not notice? Marlene didn't return to her bed until four in the morning last night." Marlene glared in Emmeline's direction.
"What? Who were you with?" Alice always felt somewhat jealous of her friend's scandalous sex lives.
"She refuses to share."
"Who says I was with a guy? Maybe I was up studying—"
"You hate studying."
"Everyone hates studying but they have to do it at some point around here." Marlene was in no mood for their noisy questions, that was plain enough to see. She returned her attention to the spell they were supposed to be mastering, ignoring Emmeline's continuous pleas.
Alice, who had done her homework the night before, had Flitwick's spell mastered in a number of minutes, and the professor cheered with joy when he saw at least one of his students was keeping up with their workload.
"Show off," Frank whispered in her ear. The pair of them were so competitive, always racing to see who could get to the finish line first. Alice had always worried it would tear them apart but somehow, the constant challenging of one another had only strengthened their relationship.
With plenty of time to spare as she waited for the rest of the class to finish up, Alice's eyes darted across the room towards Lily, who she'd been worrying about all week since her accident. She'd returned to classes like a trooper and walked the castle halls with her head held high as though nothing had happened. Alice had never been prouder and yet, she couldn't help but worry. Something felt wrong. Lily was holding something back and she could tell. She could see it in her eyes and the way in which she always seemed a million miles away even when she was sat right in front of you. Alice was familiar with the sensation.
"I'm going to the toilet," she announced, rising from her seat. She gave Frank's shoulder a squeeze before stepping out of the classroom and into the deserted corridor. She loved the silence in the halls when classes were in session. It was hard to imagine that in fifteen minutes when the bell tolled, the halls would be swarming with students.
Alice turned the corner for the girl's toilets but was nearly knocked out by a door being swung open in her face. She stumbled backwards, caught off guard, and was all the more flustered when she looked up to find Everett in front of her.
"Well isn't this a surprise," Everett smirked, tucking his hands into the pockets of his robe. "Couldn't avoid me forever, huh?"
Alice didn't know what to say. She stood there, gawking like an idiot, struggling to figure out whether she should run in the other direction or stand her ground. For two weeks she'd avoided this interaction but now it had hit her in the face and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
"Look, I'm not an idiot," Everett's tone softened. "I know why you've been keeping your distance—"
"It was a mistake," Alice swore, as she had told herself a hundred times already. "I have a boyfriend—"
"I know." She was surprised to see the guilt on Everett's face. Did he feel bad for the damage he had caused in her relationship? "Look I…I don't want you to hate me, I know this isn't a game." Was that remorse, real, live remorse playing across his face? "I just can't stand the thought of you hating me."
"I don't hate you," Alice promised, relaxing a little. "If anything, I hate myself."
"You shouldn't—"
"Shouldn't I? You didn't force that kiss on me. I was a willing participant." Her eyes dropped to the ground. She should leave. She knew it. Standing there, with Everett just a few feet away, bearing their hearts out to one another, it was too much to stand. She wouldn't be able to stop herself if he moved any closer. How could she do that to Frank?
"I can't stop think about you, Alice," Everett confessed, his voice dreamy. She watched his feet edge closer, her heart pounding in her chest. Now was the moment she made her choice; did she choke back her feelings and run or take a road she might never be able to come back from?
"We can't…" her voice was so small and unconvincing.
"Tell me to leave and I will." He was in front of her now. He reached out, his hand cupping her cheek. Just his touch sent shivers up her spine. "Tell me you don't want me and I'll go…"
I don't want you. That's what she was supposed to say. That kiss was a terrible bit of clouded judgment and it could never happen again. You're lost, Alice told herself, you experienced a terrible loss this summer and it's left you off balance but this isn't you. Sneaking around behind Frank's back? Lying? Hurting the ones you love? This is not you Alice. It isn't. It can't be.
"Alice?"
She hadn't realized her eyes were closed until she looked up and found Everett gazing down at her, his lips turned down in a frown. He would understand if she walked away right now and called it quits. It was what she was supposed to do, it was what she would have done just a few months ago before her entire world had come crumbling down.
She reached out, slowly, and brushed her thumb along his smooth cheek, tracing the line of his cheekbone.
"This is wrong," Alice said, leaning in, her forehead pressed against his. "It's so wrong…"
"Then why does it feel so right?" He lifted her chin and brushed his lips against hers softly, wantingly, with great affection. This time Alice didn't pull away, she pushed back, she pressed her body against his and ran her hands down his back. She let him lead her into the boy's washroom and lock them in a stall.
She didn't stop it. Not when Everett tugged at the buttons of her blouse or stuck his hands beneath her shirt. She knew as she did it how wrong it was, what a betrayal she had committed letting it go this far, but she couldn't stop it. She couldn't resist the danger of it all and the great unknown that came with it. She couldn't deny herself what she'd wanted for so long – to feel something she hadn't felt before; to unravel all the way.
It was the final week of September and the students of Hogwarts were enjoying an unusually warm autumn day. The grounds were filled with students who had chosen to spend their lunch hour outdoors, soaking in the good weather while it lasted. James and Sarah were doing just that, lying beneath the oak tree by the lake.
In all honesty, James had been avoiding Sarah for the past week. He knew that technically they were not exclusive and his kiss with Lily had not broken any rules but something about it felt dirty to him. It didn't feel quite right, kissing Sarah, showering her with affection when he wasn't being honest about what he'd been up to a few nights ago.
They had taken as much food from the Great Hall as they could carry. Ham and cheese sandwiches, two apples, water to share. It was peaceful, lying there together; James' head in Sarah's lap, or at least, it should've been peaceful. James wished he could've stopped the thoughts running through his head, the memories of Lily's lips against his own, the thought of her piercing green eyes.
"You're awfully quiet this afternoon." James leaned his head back so that he could gaze up at Sarah, her brown hair slipping in front of her face as she leaned over her sketchbook, working away.
"Would you rather I interrupt you at your craft?"
"I don't mind a little chatter to keep me alert." James sat up, stretching his long arms above his head.
"What're you drawing then?"
"That's a secret," Sarah replied mysteriously. James couldn't help feeling there were already too many secrets between them.
He watched as she worked, her eyes glued to the pad of paper in front of her. Her tongue peeked out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated, her eyebrows furrowed. James wanted to take a mental picture, to remember Sarah as this always, in her happiest place.
"What're you up to tonight?" She asked, not looking up.
"Some hijinks with the boys, just the usual."
"Any chance you'd prefer some female company?" Now her brown eyes rose to meet his, her lips turned up into a suggestive smile. "I'll make it worth your while."
"I know you will," he chuckled, reaching out to stroke her knee, "but I've promised, I can't back out now."
"Suit yourself," Sarah sighed. "I suppose I'll just have to find some way to amuse myself…"
"That's not fair," James licked his lips, edging closer towards her, "you can't have all the fun without me."
"Tough luck." Merlin, he loved when she teased him. He was weak. James reached out for her sketchpad, pulling it from her grasp despite some resistance.
"What to do you think you're doing?"
James tossed the book aside, climbing on top of Sarah, ignoring the fact that there were people all around them. By the start of fourth period word would be spread that James Potter and Sarah Daniels were getting it on by the lake at lunch.
"You're insane," Sarah giggled as he pushed her onto her back and pinned her wrists behind her head. "People can see us."
"Let them see." He leaned in for a kiss. "I'm sure they all wish they were us." They kissed and rolled around a little more before James pulled himself up and reached for Sarah's drawing before she could hide it away.
It wasn't what he'd been expecting. The sketch was of himself, napping in her lap, glasses perched on the edge of his nose, mouth slightly agape.
"It's not finished yet," Sarah said defensively, snatching her book back.
"You drew me?" James didn't know why it felt like such an honour. She admired him enough to want to turn him into a piece of art. Would she feel the same if she knew about the secret he was keeping? If she understood that his heart still belonged to another? James couldn't shake the feeling that he was dragging Sarah along unfairly.
"Yes, you make quite a good subject when you're not moving." She tucked the work away into her bag hurriedly. James must've still looked shocked because she added, "don't get your knickers in a twist, I've sketched many boys before you."
"Never said you didn't."
"It doesn't mean anything."
"Whatever you say, boss."
Part of him wanted it to mean something. James wanted to be able to give himself over to Sarah completely. She was funny and kind and she didn't hold back, not ever. She let him know when he was pissing her off or behaving like an absolute twat. She was a damned good kisser too and she knew when to give him his distance. She was perfect, absolutely perfect, except for one damning flaw, she wasn't Lily Evans.
Lily dropped her forehead down to her Potions textbook in defeat. She could not read another word. She heard Fabian stifling his laughter beside her. He'd never understood why she chose to take Potions throughout her seven years at Hogwarts when it often caused her such pain. He wasn't part of the Slugclub either though, so he couldn't really understand the pressure.
"You'll get us kicked out!" Lily whispered, leaning in towards Fabian. She was trying to hide her face, which was turning bright pink, from Madame Pince, who was most definitely glaring at them.
"Can we quit already?" They'd only been there an hour. Lily still had two chapters to read but she knew Fabian could never stay focused. She actually hated going to the library with him – he was a constant distraction and a terrible influence – but as of recently he never let her out of his sight.
She hated to be that girl – the one who needed her boyfriend's constant protection to feel safe – but she'd been grateful for the comfort Fabian provided the past week. It'd made it a little easier to walk past Cordelia in the halls with her head held high.
"The boys will all be out of the dorm…" Fabian whispered, leaning further towards Lily. She was grateful her back was to Madame Pince's desk or else she might've died of embarrassment. He rested his hand on her thigh and smirked like the arrogant bastard he was and Lily knew her cause was lost.
"You'll be the reason I fail my N.E.W.T.s," she conceded. At least she could sneak a nap in before her final class of the day, though she doubted Fabian had much sleeping in mind. Lily was ashamed to admit this wasn't even the first time this week she'd ditched her work to run off and shag her boyfriend.
Part of it had to do with the comfort Lily took in being close to Fabian. His were the arms she craved to fall asleep in, the ones that provided the best comfort when she was unsettled. He'd been her rock since the accident and it'd made it easy to forget about her small…transgression. It helped that James had been avoiding her like the plague.
"How long till Divination?" Fabian asked as they strode from the library hand in hand.
"An hour." He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in for a quick peck on the lips. He was fit, probably the best-looking guy in their year. Lily was lucky. She should be happy, thrilled, shouldn't she? Most girls her age would kill to have a guy like Fabian. He was, by all accounts, perfect. Her mother adored him; Petunia struggled to find a single flaw. So why couldn't she stop thinking about James? About their moment in the Prefects' office...
"Lily!" They were practically at the stairwell when Severus' voice came bouncing off the walls after them. Lily had thought she'd seen him sitting in the far corner of the library but she'd done her best to ignore him. She had nothing to say to him.
He came speeding up to them, straight-backed and proud – the way he always walked when he was trying to prove himself, and he was always trying to prove himself in front of Lily's friends. "Can I speak to you?"
"No." Lily didn't need to think on it for a second.
"It'll just be a few minutes, Lily, please." He used the pleading tone that might have worked on her a year ago. Back then she'd been softer, more likely to forgive, but she'd learnt. Severus would never be the same boy she'd befriended all those years ago. That boy was gone, the one who did anything to see her smile, who let her spend endless hours complaining – sometimes crying – about Petunia.
"You heard her mate." Fabian stepped forward, his chest puffed out. Lily's knight in shining armour. Just another point on a long list of reasons why Fabian was the perfect boyfriend.
"You know, I'm actually speaking to Lily right now." Severus snapped.
"You know, I'm actually not interested," Lily interjected. "I have nothing to say to you. I want nothing to do with you." Lily didn't care how harsh her tone was or how persuasive Severus' sad, puppy dog eyes could be. "Just, like, fuck off okay? Go back to your friends and continue torturing innocent students."
"That's not—"
"Don't pretend that if it were any other person, Mary perhaps," Severus winced. Mary was a sensitive subject between the pair. He had defended Mulciber unwaveringly and Lily had been horrified after what he'd done to her friend in fifth year. "That you wouldn't have joined in."
"It's complicated," Severus grumbled, his head bowed like a naughty child preparing for a scolding.
"I guess just not to me." Fabian took Lily's hand, drawing her in closer towards him.
"Lily..." when he said her name like that he almost sounded like her best friend, the boy she'd spend everyday of her summer with, the one who'd take her on all kinds of magical adventures, things she'd never dreamed of growing up as a muggle. That boy had been good, he'd been kind, not like this dark, sneering, man who stood before her now. "Please. Just give me a chance to explain."
"Just leave me alone," Lily said, doing her best to ignore the pained expression on Severus' face.
She let Fabian pull her away after that, not ready to stand there and listen to another lie that came out of Severus' mouth. She'd mourned the loss of their friendship long ago, there was no need to try and put a Band-Aid on a crack that would never heal.
Marlene knocked on the door to boy's dormitory expecting Remus to answer. He usually spent the afternoon before a transformation napping. He could be found with the curtains drawn around his bed, hiding, perhaps dreaming of a world in which he never had to leave his peaceful, safe oasis.
It was Sirius who answered the knock though, a signature smirk across his face. "Well isn't this a surprise."
"Is Remus here?"
"He's gone to spend some time with Leila before tonight."
"Cutting it rather close isn't he?" Marlene raised her eyebrows, looking towards the window beyond Sirius' shoulder. The sun would set in an hour and the dull afternoon light felt ominous when one knew what was to come in the moonlight.
"Are you coming in?" Sirius asked, opening the door a little wider.
"Is anyone else here?"
"Just me and my lonesome." Marlene rolled her eyes and stepped into the room, Sirius locking the door behind them.
"How is he? Anxious?"
"No more than usual," Sirius shrugged, sitting down on the end of his bed. He had the radio playing on his bedside table. They were playing Dreams by Fleetwood Mac, the chorus coming out muffled through the crappy speakers.
"What were you doing?" Marlene asked, standing in the centre of the room, not quite sure what to do with herself.
"Resting I guess. Figure I should get all the sleep I can since there won't be much going around tonight."
"You guys always find a way to pull through." Marlene didn't know how the Marauders all managed to show up for their classes the next morning, showing no signs of the mischief they'd been up to all night. Part of Marlene was jealous of it. She'd always wanted to be a part of their monthly tirades, running through the grounds of Hogwarts, breaking the law just so they could be there for their friend.
"How's Lily?"
"She's strong." Marlene settled on the bed beside Sirius, her hands in her lap. "And Fabian's been there for her."
"Yeah, they seem…happy." Marlene could understand the hesitation in Sirius' voice. They felt the same way – that while they had not a bad thing to say about Fabian, it was James who they wanted to see happy at the end of the day.
There was silence, the final chords of Dreams filling the void. They were getting sloppy, the two of them. It'd been easier before when each shag had been an unexpected, yet very welcome, surprise. Usually after parties or nights when everyone else in the castle seemed preoccupied. Something had shifted though. Suddenly they were meeting on a regular basis, sneaking around the castle at all hours of the night, and people were starting to notice. Emmeline already had and how long could Marlene keep her friend's questions at bay?
"Marls?" It was his pet name for her. The one only he used, the one no one else heard uttered. He'd made it up one night when they'd been drunk, he'd slurred her name together and a nickname had been born. She'd insisted at first that she hated it but, at the end of the day, it was nice, to have a name only he could call her by. Something that was theirs.
Marlene turned her head towards him and found his mouth, that same mouth that had become so familiar to her over the past year. It was never supposed to be like this. One time, that was it, just to satisfy their urge. The tension between them had been budding for a good six years; it was inevitable that one day they'd give in to the urge.
"We have to be quick," she whispered in his ear as his lips tugged at her neck, his hands fumbling with the button on her jeans. "Someone might come back…" It was hard to care about all that when she was lying there, Sirius on top of her, and it felt so damn good. She wanted him and she hated herself for it.
Marlene was not supposed to be this girl. She was not supposed to fall for a womanizer. Sirius was notorious for breaking hearts and leaving girls crying. He was the kind of boy her mother had warned her never to get mixed up with. "Don't be that girl who spends her life chasing after boys that aren't worth it." How disappointed she would be if she knew whom Marlene had been shagging regularly.
Once Sirius' pants were off Marlene rolled over, climbing on top, riding Sirius the way she knew he loved. She watched the change in his expression as she moved just right, the flutter of his eyelashes. It was always so easy between them. She didn't need to tell him what to do, not the way she did with the other boys.
"Again," Sirius said when they'd finished, nipping at Marlene's neck. He had his arm wrapped around her, holding her close to him.
"I should go before someone comes up here and finds us." She didn't want to go though, wasn't that stupid? She wanted to lie there a while longer, forever maybe, safe in Sirius' arms. How pathetic. She had to stop this, craving his attention, his touch, his warm embrace. It was too dangerous.
"Hey," Sirius grabbed her hand as she sat up, reaching for her underwear, on the edge of the bed. "We good?" He sat up too, kissing her shoulder affectionately. "Can I see you when I get back?"
"I'll be asleep," Marlene, told him, climbing off the bed to grab her jeans. "I'm not going to spend all night waiting for you to come back." She would though. When she couldn't fall asleep she'd reach for a book and read beneath the light of her wand. She'd watch the window and follow the figures of the three boys as they came running up the hill, back towards the castle, exhilarated by the evening of adventure. She'd feel jealous, and angry, and all the usual complicated feelings that came with not being allowed to be "one of the boys."
"Tomorrow night then," Sirius suggested, "come on, we'll sneak off and do something stupid. I know you're dying to break the rules."
"Maybe." He'd have her well and convinced by mid-afternoon the next day though. She'd wait till the other girls were asleep and meet him in the common room and they'd climb up the astronomy tower and smoke the joint he'd rolled and make love naked, under the stars. Merlin, she was predictable.
"Take care of Remus tonight," she told him, sounding just like her mother, as she unlocked the door.
"We always do."
