CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #1: Hey all you lovely Chuck fanatics, it's time for another story! So this one was supposed to come out on January 27th for the ninth anniversary of the end of the show, but I couldn't finish it in time and real life got in the way. This story is a direct prequel/sequel to my other "anniversary one-shot" called "Thirteen Years" I suggest you go read that one first if you haven't already read it. Thirteen Years isn't long so it's worth a reread before diving into this one. This story may be one of the most "literary" stories i've ever written; I don't know, it just had a different feel to it as i wrote it. This story sheds some light on the year apart referenced in Thirteen Years, I wanted to tell that story so this one does that well in my opinion.
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #2: This story was beta'd by myself so all mistakes are my own; enjoy everyone!
Nine Years
A Story by
CharmingCharles2896
Some times it was hard for Sarah Bartowski to think about that day; she felt so alone back then, so afraid of absolutely everything. One day she'd gone to bed in 2007 and then magically it was 2012 and everything she knew about the world was wrong. Bryce? Dead. Graham? Dead. Spy career… complicated. That man had destroyed her life, murdered her past and nearly stolen her future, but that hadn't come to pass. He'd told her that he was her handler, that this seemingly innocent looking man was a traitor responsible for the death of her former mentor and her one time lover. That man nearly convinced her to murder her own husband and the worst part was that she was actually going to do it. In spite of the massive red flags from what her supposed handler had just told her, in spite of the fact that she distinctly remembered telling Graham no more handlers, she was going to do it. Sarah Walker was going to murder the only man who'd ever loved her.
That night in that house, watching this good man sob in anguish as he realized the woman he loved was gone forever… sometimes there are just things you can't forget. He refused to hit her, refused to hit back; he wasn't going to hurt her even though he knew he absolutely could. He'd rather die then hurt her, but she didn't believe, she didn't believe the words that everyone around her was saying. Everyone around her was saying one thing, but it was antithetical to anything Sarah Walker thought she was worthy of. The idea that she could quit the CIA and become a wife was so absolutely ludicrous that she'd rejected it out of hand as a trick, a lie, a poor attempt to fool her. This great man refused to hurt her, but when the time came he leapt in front of that shot not even knowing if his body armor could stop a bullet that large.
This great man had been willing to die so she could live; that was the moment when she started to believe. If this supposed traitor was actually what Nicholas Quinn had said he was, then he never would have dove in front of that shot. No, Chuck Bartowski, the brave, selfless, heroic husband was ready and willing to die so his wife could live, even if she didn't remember. The hours after that horrible moment were a crazed blur, a frantic search for a place to lay low, a titanic struggle to control her quickly spiraling emotions. That was when the gravity of her loss started to sink in; Quinn had taken everything from her, he'd stolen the future little Samantha Burton had always dreamed of as a child. He'd tried to get her to destroy her own life for his sick perverse schemes; he'd broken her forever, at least that was how it felt at the time. The drive over to Chuck's place later that night was the longest drive she could ever remember. She had to go after Quinn, but her heart told her to stay with Chuck and fix things. Her heart was saying things that made no sense to the hardened ice queen of 2007. She knew she couldn't stay with him; it wouldn't be fair to him to have to start over again. This whole thing wasn't fair and that was why when face to face with Chuck Bartowski she did the one thing she'd always been good at, she lied. Sarah Walker lied when she told Chuck she didn't feel it, that she just wasn't the person she used to be. She needed to get this monster, but she needed space too, she needed time away from the reminders of her loss.
He tried so hard to make it look like he wasn't dieing inside; he tried so hard not to show her how much losing her was destroying him. The thing was, she seemed to have this ability to read him that she couldn't explain and every sign was telling her that this man, this great man, was losing everything. She left in spite of everything that her heart was screaming at her. When her quest for vengeance eventually led her back to the people she'd left behind in Burbank, her heart continued to scream at her. Her heart commanded her to go to him and make things okay again, her heart wanted her to do things she wasn't capable of doing. That was why when faced with hearing "their story" at that Mexican restaurant in Germany, she had to rebuke him, she shot him down much harder than she'd intended, but she needed to focus and crying her eyes out in grief wasn't an option.
Ultimately, her quest for vengeance, her tortured journey of solitude ended on a chilly Friday morning, at a beach, looking out at the choppy chaotic waves crashing into shore. It was beautiful and perfectly descriptive of the feeling she was fighting in her heart. She loved him, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, but she didn't know why and worse still, she wasn't worthy of that life. She wasn't that woman anymore; she was the broken remnants, the shattered remains, the fractured pieces of a once happy woman. She didn't know what to do, didn't know where to go, or who to talk to. All of her old agency contacts were useless in a situation like this. That was when she heard him, somehow that great man found her on this random beach.
"I was hoping you'd be here." Was all he said, it was simple and yet it carried so much weight; had this place meant something to them? Had her heart really led her here, or was it some higher power? Either way her heart was breaking and soaring simultaneously; her heart and her brain, locked in a brutal war to the death over the soul of Sarah Walker.
"This place must be important." She said back to him, unable to come up with anything better to say; he simply nodded back to her, his silence spoke volumes. This man wasn't here for himself, he was here for her, for them, for what they used to be. The battle inside her raged on as he spoke, the bloody killing fields of the Somme had nothing on the war waging inside her.
"Trust me Sarah." His words were like a lightning bolt from Zeus himself; in an instant the battle was over, her heart the only one left standing. With an emotional huff and teary eyes she looked away from him as she tried to contain the flood of emotion just begging to escape. What could she say to a man like that? He was here for her mere days after she'd tried to kill him and his family, she nearly destroyed them all and yet here he was trying to make it all okay. For a long moment the two of them simply sat on that beach in that sand and watched the waves; inside of her, her heart was dieing to know, begging her mind to ask the one question, to make the one request it wanted the most.
"Chuck, tell me our story." She said simply as she looked back over towards him, the small smile he gave her spoke volumes. It was hope, a glimmer of hope in an otherwise dark world. He was horrible at masking his emotions, so when she saw the look on his face it told her everything she needed to know. He was hoping this was a chance to put the pieces back together, and secretly her heart wished for that very same thing. He told her so much and not enough at the same time; their story was long and unbelievable, and yet she couldn't get enough of it. She laughed, she cried, she felt anger, she felt joy; Sarah Walker felt more emotion in that moment on that beach then ever before in her life, what she could remember of it anyways. When their story ended on that bullet train, drawing that little picture, her heart broke; why hadn't she stayed in the damn room? She should have listened to him, should have heeded his warnings instead of charging in there.
The two of them fell into another long silence, both of them contemplating where to go next; what was the next step? They'd been so close to the rest of their lives, so close to leaving the danger behind forever. Finally Chuck spoke; Morgan had an idea about a magical kiss. It was the craziest thing Sarah Walker had ever heard of, but her heart wanted to remember so badly, so she wanted that kiss, no she needed that kiss.
"Chuck, kiss me." She said back to him with a small smile that he seemed to match as he leaned in and their lips touched. It was a soul satisfying kiss, the kind of kiss that left you breathless; for a long while they sat there and poured everything into that kiss, all of the pain, all of the fear, all of the love, everything they had went into that kiss. When their lips separated Sarah kept her eyes closed hoping beyond hope that things were different, that everything was back how it should be, but in the end nothing changed. She'd never wanted something so bad in her life, but it wasn't to be, life had other plans for her. Sarah Walker's heart broke, the tears that had been threatening to fall since she woke up in that hotel room finally came pouring out of her.
The feeling of his strong arms and tender hands around her made her feel safer than she'd ever felt; inside of her the war that had once raged, started anew. Her heart screamed to stay, demanded she stay and try to be the person he talked about in their story. Her mind told her that the kiss sparking nothing was a sign that it wasn't meant to be. Unlike the last time, this time her mind won the day; Sarah needed some distance, she needed to get away and find her baring's in this new world she suddenly inhabited.
"I'm sorry." That was all she could muster and he simply said nothing; he already knew why she was apologizing. She wasn't staying and he knew that, he could hear it in her tears.
"It's okay," he said back to her.
"I just need some time." She said despondently, but the question was, time for what? Time to heal? Time to gain some perspective? Or simply time to grieve?
"I'll be here whenever you're ready Sarah; I'll always be right here waiting for you." The heartbreak in his voice, the pure unfiltered despair in his words made her heart break even more.
"I know." It was all she could muster before she picked herself up off that beach and disappeared from his life, disappeared from that great man's life. She spent a year cruising the Midwest, going from town to town, state to state like she had when she was just a little girl. She knew Chuck was keeping tabs on her, she'd grabbed his file from the Carmichael Industries vault before she left town so she knew all about his vast skills as a hacker. She didn't mind, she wasn't running from him, was she? It was Christmas time in Chicago, only four days left until the whole world would come together to celebrate. Only four more days until every family in America would gather tighter to rejoice and be marry. That could be her, but the pain of her loss was too much, she'd lost too much to live that life. There was a hole inside of her that had felt empty since that day she woke up in Burbank without five years worth of memories.
She was out window-shopping downtown when she heard a voice she doubted she'd ever hear again. It was probably the last person she wanted to see, a person she nearly killed. This amazing woman had a daughter and Sarah nearly took that child's mother away forever.
"Sarah?" Came the unmistakable voice of Eleanor Faye Woodcomb from about ten paces behind Sarah. The blonde former CIA agent froze in fear, afraid to turn and face her. Once again her head and her heart played their sacred game, waged their sacred war for Sarah's soul.
"Mommy, who dat?" Came the little voice of Clara Woodcomb, Sarah's heart melted and with teary eyes she spun to face the woman she nearly murdered.
"That's your Auntie Sarah, Pumpkin." Ellie said to the one and a half year old in her arms; Sarah was rooted to the ground, frozen in terror. Clara looked so adorable, so pure, so absolutely good; she was so little and so helpless, which only made Sarah feel worse for kidnapping and threatening to murder her mother.
"Hello Sarah, it's good to see you." Ellie said cautiously to the blonde who at one time looked to be well on her way to joining the Bartowski family for good.
"Ellie," Sarah said nervously, once again she was unable to come up with anything better to say. Ellie simply nodded with a small smile. "And this little cutie is Clara right?" Sarah asked as she tried to remember. Ellie simply nodded again and closed the distance between them so that the little child could reach out towards Sarah who simply looked at the little one like she was a piece of live ordinance.
"How have you been?" Ellie asked mutedly, Sarah simply shrugged; there wasn't much to say about her past year, she'd moved around a lot simply wishing for the pain to go away. "Have you spoken to Chuck recently?" Sarah who simply shook her head no.
"Come on Ellie, you know I haven't; Chuck would have called and told you if I had." Ellie simply nodded, there was no denying the truth in Sarah's words; truth be told Sarah had tried to forget Chuck Bartowski. She'd tried so hard to just leave him behind, but it was a hopeless attempt to make the pain stop, to make the ache in her heart go away. The problem was, her dreams were filled with images of the life she wished she still had. Every night was another adventure, another lovely evening, another touching moment. Every morning she awoke to realize that the life of her dreams were just that… dreams, cruel visions of a life she couldn't have.
"Why don't you join me for lunch and we can catch up?" Ellie offered, Sarah gave her former sister-in-law a small smile and nodded.
"I'd like that Ellie." Sarah said as she followed her former sister-in-law to a local café; once they were seated Sarah simply sat there silently unsure what to say. What do you say to a woman who you nearly murded, someone who at one point was your family?
"It's really good to see you again Sarah, we all miss you." Ellie started and Sarah simply nodded as she looked down at her hands, at one point there would have been a wedding ring and a charm bracelet on that hand and wrist. The war raging inside of her was tearing her apart, her heart wanted to ask about him, but her head was weary of learning the truth. Had he moved on? Was he doing okay?
"How is he?" Sarah asked quietly, unable to meet Ellie's gaze; her heart had won this round, but her head knew that she might not like the answer.
"He misses you, still thinks about you all the time, but he's living his life." Ellie said as she bounced her daughter on her knee. Little Clara was so oblivious to the serious conversation, she was just off in her innocent little world. Oh to be able to go back to that time in Sarah's life, a time when she wasn't cursed with the knowledge of just how evil and cruel the world really was.
"Sarah," Ellie began in a more serious tone, Sarah looked up at her and saw nothing but love and care from Ellie. Sarah didn't want to look at her when Ellie looked at her like that. "How are you doing, really?" Sarah's head and her heart once again began their deadly dance inside her. Sharing was hard for Sarah Walker, she'd never had to share like this growing up, so moments like this were always scary to her.
"Please talk to me Sarah," Ellie pleaded, Sarah simply looked down at her hands and then to little Clara who was simply enjoying watching the people outside through the large window. As if she was reading Sarah's mind, Ellie gave Sarah a warm smile and spoke once again, "Sarah, I know sharing your feelings scares you and you don't think you're good at it, but you don't give yourself enough credit. You were always a great sharer, it may have taken a bit for you to come around, but you never shied away from sharing your feelings with Chuck." Sarah wasn't convinced; she'd never been good at vocalizing her emotions.
"You'll feel better if you just say it Sarah, bottling up emotions isn't going to make the pain stop," Sarah's head snapped up in surprise, how had Ellie known about the pain? Was she really that transparent or was it simply the Bartowski knack for reading her? Her head and her heart were locked in a deadly dance of death, two angry alligators locked in a spinning, thrashing, war for dominance. Ultimately Sarah Walker's heart won out once again and the tears began to pool in her eyes. Ellie's features softened as she saw the blonde before her struggle to hold it together.
"I thought it would go away," Ellie simply listened as Sarah began, it was a trickle right now, a crack in the dam, but it could become a flood at any moment. "I thought the distance would make this feeling inside me go away, but it just won't stop." The pain in Sarah's voice broke Ellie's heart, Sarah was so lost and so alone and she didn't know how to deal with her emotions over what happened.
"There's just this void in here," Sarah said as she pointed harshly at her chest whilst trying to hold back the tears. "I dream about him, I hear his voice in my day dreams, I want the pain to go away, but I can't make it stop!" Ellie reached forward across the small café table and gave Sarah's hand a supportive squeeze.
"I wish you'd have talked to me sooner sweetie; the feelings you're experiencing right now are scary and you don't know how to handle them, am I right?" Ellie asked the troubled blonde; Sarah simply nodded affirmatively as she wiped her eyes.
"I think you need to hear this," Ellie said before she took a deep breath, it was time to drop a neurology bomb on this discussion. "The part of the brain that stores long term memories and the part of the brain that stores feelings and emotions are different. Just because the memories are gone doesn't mean the emotions are gone as well." The look on Sarah's face was that of a woman who was trying to comprehend what she was hearing. "You may have lost all of the memories, but you're still feeling all of the happy moments, all of the sad moments… all of the love." Sarah's eyes grew great big as realization hit.
"The reason the pain won't go away is because your heart is missing the one it loves; even though your brain is skeptical, your heart is missing him." Ellie gave Sarah a loving smile and simply nodded.
"I'm in love with Chuck Bartowski and I don't know what to do about it." She said it no louder than a murmur, but to Ellie it was the best thing she'd ever heard. Ellie gave the glum blonde's hand another comforting squeeze.
"Go home to Chuck; I know it's scary, but I promise you he'll make that pain go away. Let him love you and love him with everything you've got and everything will be okay." Ellie said caringly to Sarah who simply nodded; just saying out loud that she was in love with him was a relief, it felt good to say it out loud. Her heart had been screaming it at her like a siren to the wayward sailor; she'd been refusing to listen for so long, because love was scary, but admitting it to herself was such a relief.
"What if I mess it up? What if I go home and he rejects me?" Sarah said self-consciously to her former sister-in-law who simply gave her a smile.
"Sarah you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to my brother; not the old you, just you Sarah Bartowski, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to him." As Ellie continued Sarah simply nodded to herself, her head was trying to make her not listen but her heart wasn't to be denied, Sarah Walker needed to hear this.
"My brother loves you Sarah; he has loved you since almost the first day he ever met you. He's loved you in spite of the past you feel so ashamed of; Chuck has always loved Sarah Bartowski and that won't change just because you've forgotten the past five years." As Ellie finished Sarah shed some overdue happy tears; Ellie simply waited for Sarah to speak. For the first time since the beach, the war between the head and the heart within Sarah was over, the heart wanted to go home and the heart was going to win the war for Sarah's soul.
"I miss him so much it hurts," Sarah said to Ellie honestly, she was finally verbalizing what she'd known to be true and it felt great.
"I know you do." Ellie said to Sarah; what else was there to say about it other than that? The heart wants what it wants and for Sarah Walker that meant returning home where she belonged.
"I figured this was where you'd gone off to." Came Chuck's voice snapping Sarah out of her recollections of that rough patch so many years ago; Sarah looked up over her left shoulder with a smile on her face as her husband sat down on the sandy beach, their beach.
"Took you long enough to find me; I was wondering how I was going to stand back up off this sand without your help when the time came." Sarah said sarcastically as Chuck wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close.
"Well you didn't exactly drop me a hint Sarah; my eight months pregnant wife just disappeared on me. You can't just disappear on me like this Sarah, you're so close to your due date and at your age…" Chuck began, but trailed off; Sarah gave him a look, but he wasn't backing down. "Sarah you're thirty eight years old, you're technically within the category of advanced maternal age, the chance of complications is higher for you. Explain to me what would have happened if you went into labor out here; you can't hardly stand up and it's a decent walk back to the car." Sarah knew that Chuck had a point, but she didn't have to like it.
"I'm not an invalid Chuck!" Sarah snapped back at him in frustration, Chuck simply smiled and kissed Sarah on the top of the head.
"I know you aren't an invalid, but we're so close Sarah, just a few more weeks and then little Samantha Faye Bartowski will be born and you can go be the badass ninja momma bear I know you're dying to be." Sarah couldn't argue with that logic, they were close to the finish line.
"Badass ninja momma bear eh, that's a new one even for you." Sarah said to Chuck as she watched a particularly large wave crash into the shore.
"Well I thought it was a pretty good description of the future mother of my children." Chuck said with a laugh, in his arms Sarah grew more serious. "So what prompted a trip out here anyways?" Chuck asked as Sarah leaned into him.
"You know what today is?" Sarah asked quietly, surprising Chuck.
"Wednesday?" He answered meekly unsure if that was the type of answer that would upset his wife.
"Nine years ago today you found me on this beach, I was feeling lost and alone, and you found me." Chuck simply nodded in understanding as she spoke.
"Sorry I forgot, that whole period is a bit hazy for me, a lot happened as you know." Sarah simply nodded.
"Don't worry about it, I just got to thinking about things after our visit with Dr. Alcott on Monday and I guess I just got to thinking about that day nine years ago. I was so alone on this beach, I had no idea what I was going to do, everything in my life was flipped on its head. Apparently I had a husband and a family that loved me, but how was it possible that a cold-blooded killer like the Ice Queen was able to manage that? Two of the people I trusted the most in the world were dead and the others were scattered around the globe or out of reach for security reasons. With this day coming up I just got to thinking about what if you never found me, what would my life be like if you hadn't found me that day and told me that I could always count on you? I almost didn't have this, I came this close to losing everything." Sarah said as she held up her trigger finger and thumb close together.
There wasn't much Chuck could say to her so he simply held her close and let her speak. He'd seen her do this one other time a few years prior when the twenty seventh of January came up; she'd gotten decidedly gloomy back then too, but never this much.
"Look at everything we almost lost, the company, our house, hell we almost lost a chance at a future together. We almost lost little Samantha, she isn't even born yet and I'm already scared of losing her." Sarah said as the crux of the issue finally came to the surface.
"We can't change the past Sarah, we can only look forward to the future… our future. In a few weeks time Samantha will be born and we can spend the rest of our lives making sure she feels more loved then either of us ever did. I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty perfect to me." Chuck said to his ever-troubled wife, the future mother of his children, his watchful protector for so many years.
"Gosh that sounds perfect." Sarah said with a sigh as she relaxed back into Chuck once again; for a long moment the two of them simply sat in comfortable silence simply watching the waves crash into the shore. It was a chilly day for California's standards and yet neither one of them seemed at all bothered by the wind and the cool temperatures. One day Chuck hoped Sarah would be able to completely move past what had happened to her all those years ago; he knew she needed to see a therapist about it, but he wasn't about to poke that hornet's nest again. Maybe down the road after Samantha was born Sarah would finally be able to let go of the trauma, let go of the hurt and the fear. Maybe one day she'd be able to relax and enjoy life. Chuck was pulled from him introspection by his suddenly tense wife.
"Chuck?" Sarah said nervously,.
"Yeah," Chuck said having noticed the change in Sarah.
"I think we may need to adjust your schedule." Sarah said cryptically as she sat up away from him slowly.
"What do you mean?" He asked not understanding her extremely cryptic language.
"My water just broke." She'd said the words, he was frozen in shock briefly before he spoke anxiously.
"But it's too soon, Dr. Alcott said Samantha wasn't due for another two weeks," Chuck whined, Sarah simply turned her head and looked at Chuck.
"Chuck, I'm having a baby; get up and help me." She commanded loudly finally snapping Chuck out of his shock induced panic. As Chuck stood up and extended his hands to pull Sarah to her feet he couldn't help his mouth.
"Okay, we've planned for this, we've got a plan for this, oh god all of our plans were for if we were at home! We haven't planned for this, what about traffic, or the supplies we'd planned to take?" Chuck said nervously as the two of them quickly walked back to the parking lot and their cars. Since her car was the nicer of the two and shouldn't be left alone in public, she tossed Chuck her keys and went to get in the passengers seat.
"Chuck, the baby is coming so snap out of it and drive the damn car." Sarah commanded as she buckled her seatbelt; that seemed to get Chuck to focus. Once he'd buckled his seatbelt and hit the button to start the car. The car roared to life and Chuck could feel the rumble of the engine through his fingertips on the steering wheel. As the various systems inside the car came online the infotainment activated and the sounds of the radio began to fill the interior.
Wait in line
I'll get there
We'll get there
Right on time
It's all within
The line of sight
It was a song neither of them had ever heard before, but it couldn't have been timelier; it had taken them both a long time to get to this moment. The road had been long and tortured for both of them, but they'd made it back. Chuck and Sarah Bartowski had been so close to this future when that man nearly destroyed them and though it had taken nearly a decade, they'd made it through the darkness to the dawn ahead. Were things still difficult for the both of them? Absolutely, but the good times, the love they shared, that hadn't diminished. Sarah reached out and grasped her husband's hand and gave it a squeeze; this was finally happening and she wasn't going anywhere. They had made it through, together.
Wait in line
I'll get there
We'll get there
Right on time
It's all within
The line of sight
The End
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #3: Okay so first of all for those interested, the song I mentioned at the end is a song called "Right on Time (feat. Steven Ellis)" it's by the artist OTE, I heard it on a youtube video, I think it's from epidemic sound, but it's on YouTube for those interested in listening to it. I think it's a great song and I felt that it went really well with the ending.
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #4: I thought that story was pretty decent but i'm a tad biased lol. I really liked this idea of Sarah's head and her heart waging this war inside of her for her soul, I almost titled this story "The Head and the Heart" because of that but I chose to stick with the naming convention established by "Thirteen Years". I have no doubt that Ellie's supposed "neurology" is patently false and my father (practicing Neurologist) would be ashamed of my pseudo-science, but it's my story so sue me. I have no doubt that i'll continue to revisit this little universe i've created every time an anniversary comes up.
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #5: So what did you all think about that? I hope you all enjoyed that one as much as I enjoyed writing it. Regardless of my hopes for your reactions I want you all to give me your honest opinions, they keep me grounded and help me keep my work on the right track. Be constructive please, but if something bothered you let me know in a review. If you wish to opine please leave a comment, if you liked this story maybe think about giving it a favorite? So for those of you interested in knowing, assuming real life doesn't interfere, I intend to post chapter ten of "Contrition" some time in the coming week. Other than that i'd like to work on chapter five of "I Don't Want Your Desire" but we'll have to see about my schedule.
Until Next Time :D
