Hello to my beautiful readers! Happy 2020! I was able to take some time in December to write and get a little ahead in my chapters. But unfortunately, I didn't get as much done as I wanted to. Especially since the next ones are very heavy with some more ~taboo~ and sensitive content which I struggled to write. Plus now Bucky and Lucy are separated it's not as fun without the smexy times.
I'm actually a little disappointed in this chapter. But there wasn't a whole lot I could do when setting up the stage for the next few big events. A little bit of a bummer to wave 2020 in with such an anticlimactic chapter, but oh well.
I have decided that I will also be giving the chapters titles instead of Roman numerals, so if anyone really wants a chapter to be called a certain name drop me a review or PM me!
Trigger Warning: Mentions of sexual assault/non-con and sexual harassment. :(
Chapter XXXIII
Norway, 1943
Lucy struggled to stand as Hilda held her upright. She couldn't help but call out as she felt the pins and needles in her legs create a numbness throughout her entire body.
Hilda's mother looked at her with pity, worry in her eyes. She helped Lucy place on her boots and they took her outside, no matter how much she struggled. Each breath was a struggle for her, but Lucy knew she had to carry on.
Lucy was surprised to see that while she was in her unconscious state a fresh sheet of snow covered the ground. She inhaled and could smell it in the air, burning her lungs and causing her breath to come out in whisps. It was beautiful, a land of white and purity, the soft falling snowflakes in large clumps drifted down to the earth.
It was peaceful, beautiful, pure, and serene. But it was tainted by a sea of black, white, and red. Lucy scowled as she saw the Nazi emblem on men's uniforms. She didn't know there would be so many of them in the small town, but there was.
She was met with the ugly sight of another emblem also. Her heart dropped ever so slightly, seeing the skull with tentacles coming out. She should have known Hydra would be present.
The townspeople were gathered in the square, and as Lucy struggled to walk, someone placed a blanket over her shoulders. She had not been wearing a coat of any sort and didn't know she was chilled until that moment.
Lucy turned around to see an old woman who was missing all her teeth give her a large grin. Lucy said thank you and kept the blanket tight around her shoulders.
As she met the eyes of a particularly sinister-looking Hydra soldier, Lucy made sure her Star of David pendant was tucked safely between her breasts. She didn't even realize she was in a new dress until that moment. It was long-sleeved and felt like wool, and she realized Hilda or her mother must have put her in it.
"What are they looking for?" Lucy asked Hilda quietly.
"Shush!" She said harshly, a scowl on her face, "We don't want them to know you're American. Pretend to be a mute."
Lucy didn't like that idea much, but she couldn't protest. She shut her mouth for once in her life and tried to keep quiet. She easily could have just spoken German, but she opted to stay quiet on Hilda's orders.
They stood in the center of the town, Lucy feeling as though she was about to fall with each passing second she stood. She was so weak, and barely able to stay awake. But as soon as she met the eyes of the evil-looking men she stood a little straighter and taller. One Hydra soldier, in particular, met with her defiant gaze and gave her a sinister glare.
Hilda continued to hold Lucy upright, despite likely getting tired. She was a strong-willed young girl, and Lucy only hoped everything would work out alright for her. She had a good heart if she was fishing a strange woman out of a river and giving her what little food they had and nursing her back to health.
Lucy felt oddly protective of her also. Her personality reminded her of Adeline when she was her age, but her caring spirit also reminded her of Elsa. As a perfect mix of her little sister and best friend (was Elsa really her best friend besides Bucky? Oh, God.) she wanted to make sure she was safe.
Lucy looked to Hilda, who had fear in her eyes as the people of the town were all rounded up like cattle. The young girls blue eyes flashed to hers and she tried to get a sense of bravery, "Don't be afraid." Hilda said softly, trying her best to comfort Lucy.
There was courage and tenacity in her, that much Lucy could see.
Lucy only gently touched her hair, trying to keep her close to her. Not only for the support but because she knew it was hard putting on a brave front for the sake of someone else.
Lucy couldn't hear what was going on with the soldiers, but she knew that whatever they were up to it wasn't good. Suddenly, they were grabbing a young boy from his mother. The young boy screamed so much and kicked and flailed about that he dropped a small toy. The mother screamed as her son was yanked away from her, the heartache and agony reflecting in her tone.
Lucy tried to rush forward to do something; anything would have worked. But Hilda's grip on her was iron, and she wouldn't let her go.
"They can't be helped!" She hissed in a low tone. Her eyes were fiery and burning with worry. Her glassy gaze turned to the soldiers who had suddenly turned their attention to them.
"I have to try!" Lucy said back, still hearing the screaming of the young boy. She wondered how long Daniel must have waited in a position like this until he finally did something. How many families did he watch get loaded onto the back of a truck, gold stars on their jackets, before finally joining the partisans?
"You will be killed and it will be for nothing!" Hilda hissed again and looked back at the soldiers who were staring at them.
The men approached them in their sinister uniforms, their guns slung on their backs. They moved people out of the way until they were standing in front of Lucy and Hilda, peering down at the two of them.
The one who looked as though he had a permanent scowl glared down intently at Hilda. She refused to meet his gaze, looking down timidly. He said nothing, only forced her to look at him by putting his finger to her chin and making her gaze meet his.
Something in Lucy's stomach didn't sit right in the way he was looking at her. Almost as though she was his prey and he was going in for the kill.
"Lovely," Was all he said as he took one of her golden curls and twirled in his fingers. He stared back at Hilda with a predatory gaze, and Lucy felt a surge of protection well in her belly.
Hilda's breath was shallow as she trembled under his touch. He looked her up and down, something Lucy had seen men do to women a dozen times. Only Hilda wasn't a woman. She was a girl, and for a man to be staring so lewdly at her made a maternal instinct that had long been subdued to well inside her.
Lucy pushed Hilda behind her, standing straighter despite the fact her body screamed in pain. Hilda clutched to her tightly and hid behind Lucy, ducking her head down.
Lucy's gaze met defiantly with the soldier. He had something behind his state that she was sure she had seen before, many years ago. His eyes were like a snakes', wicked and gleaming. His sinister smirk suggested he had the power to do whatever to her, and Lucy standing up to him wasn't going to protect Hilda from anything.
Hilda's mother only clutched to her daughter tightly, both Lucy and her forming a protective stance around the young girl.
The soldier only looked to his comrades and then gestured with his head to Hilda. His chilling voice only said one thing: "Take her."
Hilda's mother began wailing as Hilda was grabbed. She cried in Norwegian, her sobs were drowned out as Lucy tried to grab onto Hilda as she was dragged away.
The young girl screamed as she was manhandled and she was pulled towards a cattle transportation train. They grabbed her so hard there would be bruises on her arms from their rough hands.
"You're in the army! Do something!" Hilda's mother begged as she clutched Lucy hard.
Lucy's chest was rising and falling, knowing she couldn't leave the girl by herself to fend off the hungry wolves who had taken her. Her chest was welling with fear, knowing she had to protect this girl. She was taken back to a time ten years ago where she had been helpless, unable to protect someone she loved from the violence inflicted by an entitled man who took what wasn't his.
She didn't think, only acted as her blood boiled. Her adrenaline was coursing through her veins because there was no way she would have had the strength to do what she did next.
Lucy marched to the closest soldier, anger flowing through her. She had never felt so much hate in her life, her vision going red with it.
She balled her fist up, remembering how it felt to have it rammed in her face when she was younger from her father. Grabbing the attention of the soldier, she slammed her fist into his face with all her might, punching him with a force she didn't know she previously had.
He called out in pain as blood burst from his nose. Lucy acted out of instinct and grabbed the pistol from his holster and holding it with both her hands. Every bit of her memory focused on Bucky's careful words of instructing her how to shoot. She aimed it at the man holding Hilda and prepared to fire. Everything happened so fast she didn't even have time to think.
But she felt the barrel of a gun pressed to her head. Lucy closed her eyes tightly as she realized she hadn't helped the situation at all. Even if she shot the soldier, another one would replace him, and nothing would change.
Hilda looked at her with large, desperate eyes. She looked like an animal trapped and scared, willing to do anything to avoid what came next. With her gaze, she begged Lucy to fire at her instead of the soldier. Lucy couldn't though, and her hands shook as she held the weapon.
Hilda realized she couldn't do it, and her eyes looked down in a saddened and defeated manner.
Lucy lowered her weapon when she realized she didn't have the strength to pull the trigger. Her breath was rising and falling with the adrenaline still pumping through her body and she felt as though her heart would leap out of her chest.
Suddenly, Lucy felt the back of her knees knocked in by the soldier who had come behind her. She fell face-first into the snow with a cry, her body aching with pain. The coldness of the fluffy powder burned the skin of her face, feeling like tiny knives from its sharp bite.
She felt a soldier step on her back and agony courses through her from the injury to her ribs. She felt her vision begin fade she couldn't breathe from the pressure being put on her. Her lungs couldn't fill with the oxygen she needed and Lucy struggled to get up in desperation to catch a single breath of air.
"Erschieße sie!" Shoot her! A soldier exclaimed with malice dripping from his tone.
A gun pressed to her head again and Lucy closed her eyes tightly and waited for the bullet that would go straight through her brain. She counted the seconds until she heard another man exclaim something she couldn't hear.
"Wait!" Someone yelled and Lucy's gaze shot up. She watched as the army issued boots of a military officer walked up to her agonizingly slowly. She still couldn't breathe, and each second that passed by she felt her lungs screaming for air.
Lucy was suddenly yanked to her feet, her head held back so her throat was exposed and her hands behind her forcefully.
She met the cold eyes of a snake; a demon disguised as a man. A devil clothed in greys and blacks, an emblem of evil on his shoulder, a skull with tentacles that seemed more sinister than it had before.
Lucy wasn't afraid though. Perhaps it was her sense of self-preservation that was fleeting or the fact that she no longer believed that she, a single woman only armed with a smart-ass mouth, could make a difference anymore. How could anyone make a difference where there was so much evil that threatened to swallow what was good?
The man said nothing as he studied her. It was like he tried to stare deep into her soul, the utmost of dark places, to feel everything she's ever felt. His eyes never left hers, even for a moment. But Lucy didn't drop her gaze in submission, instead, she kept her stare trained on him.
The Hydra soldier only looked at the soldier that held Lucy back. He gestured with his head to the cattle train, "Nimm sie auch," Take her too.
Lucy didn't scream as Hilda did. She went quietly, the soldier grabbing her like she was a rag doll. Pain stretched across her body as she was forced to take each brutal step. Lucy felt as though her bones were turning to dust, a fire casting in the root of her being and incinerating everything within her.
She didn't yelp as they pulled her a little harshly, taking advantage of the fact that she was a woman under their thumb. She figured by their rough man-handling they were trying to intimidate her, to make her feel powerless. Lucy did, of course. She wondered if Daniel felt the same way as he was taken from his mission to the train, lead there like an animal to slaughter. A sheep being herded to the wolves.
She didn't care where she ended up. All she knew was wherever they were taking her, it would likely be hell.
They opened the car of the train and threw Lucy in, her body hitting the side of the wooden panel and she called out in pain. Hilda was tossed in as well, but not as roughly as Lucy since she was more cooperative.
Lucy couldn't stand, every inch of her body straining with pain. Hilda quickly came over to her, sniffling softly and trying to stay brave.
Lucy's eyes looked around the train car and noticed the scared look of many people. The car, although crowded, could have been worse. At least there was room to move, and they weren't stuffed in there like a sardine can yet.
Hilda quickly put pressure on Lucy's ribs, dulling the shooting ache that went through her side.
"Listen to me," Lucy clutched her wrist tightly, forcing her to look at her with big, scared eyes. "Once we arrive at wherever we're going if that man who was looking at you touches you—,"
"Then I'll not be able to do anything." Hilda shot back, knowing what will happen.
"No." Lucy said firmly, "You fight. You fight, and you don't give up. You won't be worth the trouble and you'll be shot."
"You should have shot me instead! That way I could have died with dignity."
Lucy swallowed a lump in her throat. Hilda was right. Lucy should have shot her, but she couldn't. She couldn't pull the trigger even if she had wanted to.
"I couldn't." Lucy shook her head.
"Why not? You must have killed people by now." Her tone was biting and cold, the pain in her eyes evident.
"Not good people. People who deserved it." She justified.
The others looked at Lucy and Hilda in silence, looking at them with strange, wide eyes like they were foreign animals. The smell of the car was revolting. The stench of body order, human waste and sickness filled Lucy's nostrils.
"You're American?" One woman asked in broken English, she was thin as though she hadn't eaten in days. Her skin had blisters on her face, her fingers blackened from being broken. Lucy swallowed to keep herself from the verge of tears to see how these people were living.
"Yes," She whispered faintly.
"Are they close? They must be close to winning if you're here?" An elderly man asked who had a black eye, the red and purple of the bruising stretching over his face.
It broke Lucy's heart to answer no. These people had nothing, and now she would take away their hope too. She could only shake her head, knowing that their spirits would be crushed. If she was even being honest with herself, she wasn't even sure what was happening with the Allies. Her mission had been going on longer than what she anticipated, and there had been no news of the front of what was happening in the East with Japan.
The people looked defeated, one woman let out a soft cry as Lucy shook her head. Hilda continued tending to her wound, although she was clearly still disappointed Lucy didn't have to strength to shoot her.
"I'm sorry," Was all Lucy whispered. She had thought Hilda reminded her of Adeline and Elsa, but she was wrong. "I'm so sorry." She reminded her of Beatrix instead. A mix of Adeline's fiery spirit and Elsa's gentle heart, she was the perfect combination of them both. "When I saw you there, I saw my sister."
"And you would let her be taken?" Hilda was still hurt, and Lucy knew she didn't mean to be so cold.
"No," Lucy said, swallowing the hardening lump in her throat. "No, I wouldn't have. But I wouldn't be able to shoot her either."
"What's going to happen to me? Do you think that man will come back for me?" Her tone softened, her eyes reflecting tears. "I've never been looked at like that before. It… It was like he was looking into me."
Lucy knew what she had meant. She had seen that look before, and it still haunted her.
Taking a deep breath, she knew she had to tell Hilda of Beatrix and what had happened in their youth. She had never told anyone, swearing to take it to her grave. But she knew that they both were in a position to be abused by men, and she couldn't lie to Hilda about the nature of them.
"When I was seventeen before my parents died, my sister, Beatrix, was almost sixteen. She was always beautiful. She looked like you, with curly blonde hair and blue eyes. Men always looked at her, and one day she caught the attention of an older man. He asked my father for her, offering to pay and my father said yes. My mother never knew. He did things to her, not taking her innocence, but still… She was never the same. She cried all the time. And she was so angry and resentful towards men."
"And you never did anything?" Hilda's voice was quite. She looked at Lucy with wide, scared eyes with tears welling up.
"We did. One day when Beatrix and I were walking home from school we saw another young girl leave this man's house. Even younger than Beatrix. She had blood at the front of her dress between her legs. He had hurt her even worse than my sister. So we took her to our house and gave her a bath. And then at night, we snuck out of my house… We went to his apartment, and threw a Molotov cocktail through the window."
"You burnt his house down?" Hilda asked in shock.
"Not me." Lucy shook her head, "I had no right to throw it. It was there's. He died a few years later. His lungs were damaged from the smoke."
"Did it make them feel better?"
"No." Lucy answered honestly, "They had been hurt in more ways than I know. But it allowed them to move forward, and they're strong. Beatrix is a mother now. She had a good husband and two beautiful children. But I wish I had done something before it had happened. But I couldn't then. I can't now. I wouldn't have been able to put either of them out of their misery is they asked."
"I don't want that to happen to me," Hilda said shakily, her voice cracking.
Lucy pursed her lips together, "We're women. Men take whatever they want and don't care about the wreck they leave behind."
"Why do they think they can do that?"
Lucy shook her head, wishing she knew why they lived in a world where they had no voice.
"I don't know. But whatever happens, you're strong. I know you are, so that's why you fight. Because I can't help you, only you can."
Hilda nodded and then said meekly, "I suppose a bullet from an enemy would be better than a bullet from a friend. I would like to go down fighting, to be strong and show I'm not so easy to overcome."
"You are strong." Lucy only assured her, knowing a warrior when she saw one. "Either way, we'll be alright."
Hilda pursed her lips and smiled, her hands busily at work trying to wrap Lucy's ribs. "It doesn't make me less scared. But, I suppose knowing other women who have gone through the same thing and have regained their strength makes me feel better."
"You'll be alright," Lucy promised her, although she prayed to every god there was that no one would ever hurt this angel. "Hilda means fighter, did you know that?"
She smiled softly, nodding once. "I know. Thank you." A pause filled the car, and Lucy knew the others had been listening to their conversation, but she hoped that the other women had heard and also were filled with reassurance. They were so powerless in these few moments, completely at the mercy of men. Anyone of them could be hurt, and she wanted them to know that they would always have strength no matter what evils would take place against them. "Do you experience men's cruelty a lot being in the army?" Hilda asked her softly.
Lucy pursed her lips, anger welling in her as she thought of it, "All the time. Men are intimidated by strong women."
"Why though?" She cocked her head curiously.
"Because they know if we were given a chance we could rule the world."
Hilda chuckled, a smile on her lips, "And do a better job than them."
"Exactly," Lucy smirked, knowing she and this little one would get along.
Hilda's smile fell after a moment and she looked down, saddened, "What's going to happen to us?"
"I don't know. But we'll be alright." She barely believed it herself, but Lucy had no other choice. They were being taken somewhere, and wherever it was it likely wouldn't be good.
The reality was for one of the first times in her life, Lucy was genuinely scared. Of course, she had been scared before. She had been scared the night her father killed her mother, and what would happen to her and her sisters afterward.
She had been scared when she found out that Daniel had been taken. The thought of someone hurting him, her gentle, kind, book-worm of a man, was too much to bear.
And now she was scared for herself and Hilda. Hilda was young, she had so much life to live. She didn't deserve to fall victim to whatever evils awaited them.
Lucy was also scared, possibly more than anything, that she would never see Bucky again. That thought of him thinking she was dead, and that she would never get the chance to tell him how she felt terrified her.
When Lucy thought of him all she felt was love. A love so deep that it ran through her veins. It was fiery and violent, like the way he had slammed her against the barn wall, his lips consuming hers and hips thrusting unforgivingly into her, his fingers pressing so hard into her skin it would cause bruises.
It was raw and wrong, sinful in all kinds of ways. Like the way she had begged him to fuck her hard, never before having said such dirty, vile things. Let alone to a man, or one who had been inside of her.
It was desperate and passionate, like the way they had to have each other. Lucy felt that he didn't kiss her the night in the farmhouse, that she would combust. She would go mad with the need for him, as it was all-consuming and insatiable.
It was kind and gentle. The small kisses he had pressed up against her shoulder as she slept, or the way he would wake up in the night to re-adjust their blankets so she would stay warm.
It was thoughtful and considerate. In the way they would look at one another and smile, a shared look being the thing that caused heat to rise in her belly. From the moment they began to get along, he had always believed in her, standing up for her when no one else would.
It was calm and serene. It was home. He was home. And Lucy wanted nothing more than to be with him, in that moment and also for every moment following. The vision of the life she and Daniel could have once faded, to the point where she could no longer even picture a single detail. What did her engagement ring look like? What did it feel like to kiss him? It didn't matter anymore.
Because the future Lucy wanted was no longer in Paris or Chicago. It was in a little Brooklyn flat, doused in the only small light of the kitchen being the moon shining in. It was her small padded feet sneaking around, trying not to wake the man beside her as she went to get a quick glass of milk and a couple cookies, a habit that Mr. Lee had started her on. The thought of what awaited her in the small queen bed in the bedroom alone was enough to make Lucy turn in her heels and go racing back. Resting in his arms brought a peace she had never known. But he would tread out sleepily after her, smirking as he saw what his best girl was up to.
He'd steal a cookie from her, shoving it in his mouth before she could protest. He'd kiss her face as she quickly washed the dishes, begging her to join him back in bed. Lucy, of course, wouldn't be able to resist. She'd follow after her him, hand-in-hand in the dark hallway, pressing small kisses to his shoulders as she trailed behind him.
They'd get back into bed, Lucy settling on top of him. His hands gently running through her hair before capturing her lips tenderly. They would fall asleep consumed by one another.
That was the future Lucy wanted. Simple, happy, and with him. That's all she needed. And it was so unattainable, so far away, and it damn near broke Lucy's heart.
Italy, 1943
It had been the hardest three weeks of Bucky's life. He had hardly slept, he hardly ate. Every day he woke up, thinking Lucy would be beside him only to be crushed by reality.
He missed her smile and her laugh. He missed hearing her boss him around. Even if they had never gotten along, never become friends, and only stayed hating each other Bucky would have been alright with that. At least then he could still watch her from afar as her face lit up from rescuing another oil painting or making a cast replica out of a statue. He would have been able to see the way she blew the hair out of her face as her hands were preoccupied, or see her in the morning during breakfast with her nose in a book.
Arriving at a base where she wasn't there wasn't easy. Every little thing reminded Bucky of her, and as he walked passed the medical tent and saw a flash of red hair his heart broke. Her little nurse friend Elsa would discover she wasn't coming back. Bucky remembered her mischievous smile when he had gone to body Lucy in the sick tent after she had been hit by shrapnel. Lucy had mentioned before the two of them were very close, and Bucky couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose Steve.
Dugan was giving Phillips the details on what happened on Bucky's behalf. He didn't have the heart or fill him in on their mission. He would choke up the moment he had to talk about Lee Miller and Lucy. Of course, it wasn't easy for Dugan either, but he knew Bucky wouldn't be able to do it.
However, what Bucky was about to do wasn't much easier. It was his responsibility though, his burden to bear. He was the one who watched her fall, who promised to protect her and failed.
He marched to Lucy's old work tent with a heavy heart, feeling himself come closer and closer to tears with each step he took. He hated seeing a place where she used to be. Where he could picture her falling asleep on her desk in the middle of her work. Or peering over maps and calculating the next move or trying to get the large amounts of artifacts and art she secured to a place of safety.
As Bucky approached he felt his heart fall even more, and he had to swallow a lump in his throat as he saw a small, chubby man with wiry glasses in the tent discussing something with another soldier Lucy was often seen interacting with.
Bucky approached cautiously, not knowing if he had the strength to tell Charles what happened to her. Voicing it would make it real, and Bucky couldn't handle it.
As he approached, Charles looked up, not recognizing him at first until he took a second look and his eyes grew wide.
"You're back!" Exclaimed Charles with wide eyes, looking at Bucky and trying to see if Lucy was trailing behind.
But he was alone. No one following him, and no sign of her at all. Bucky felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. His heart was racing and his palms were sweaty. He had never had to deliver bad news to anyone like this before. And what made it worse was that it was about the love of his life.
"Can I have a minute?" Bucky asked the other soldier, who only nodded wordlessly before gathering some papers and murmuring something to Charles that Bucky didn't catch.
"Where's Dr. Heinrich? Is she briefing Phillips?" Charles asked him, frowning. Bucky moved forward, feeling as though his voice was caught. His throat was tight from holding back tears, and he knew he couldn't speak a single word.
"She…" Bucky began. He wondered if it was this hard to tell her assistant how hard it would be to later go to her sisters' place after the war, long after they received the letter that she had been killed in action, and explain to them it was his fault. He couldn't save her. That's what broke Bucky the most.
Bucky burst out in sobs. Falling into a chair and unable to contain the tears that he had long since suppressed. He had never cried like this before, let alone in front of anyone. And to do so in front of someone like Charles, who had very little respect for him, only made it worse.
But Bucky couldn't contain it. Every ounce of pain was coming out of him at that moment, releasing itself. He missed her, he wanted to hold her one last time. He wanted to kiss her cheeks and her little nose and her fluttering eyelashes. He wanted to hear her drowsy morning voice, and see her eyes light up as she spoke of another painting she loved.
He would never be able to see that again. He would only see the fear she had on her face as she accepted her fate, and how broken she look to know he was the one who couldn't save her. She had allowed herself to fall, knowing the log wouldn't hold both of them and sacrificing herself to save him.
Charles was beyond shocked to see Bucky's reaction. He looked at him confused, wondering what was happening and gently licked his lips before coming over. "Oh umm…" He cringed as he saw the grown man break down and continue sobbing, "There, there." The funny little man tried to comfort him as he cautiously patted his shoulder, "It's…It's alright. None of that now."
"No," Bucky shook his head, swallowing his tears and trying to find his voice. "It's not alright. Nothing is fucking alright."
"Why don't you just try to tell me what happened, yes?" Charles still had no idea. He had no idea what Bucky was about to tell him. "Now, where's Dr. Heinrich?"
"I failed. I'm so sorry. I told you I'd protect her with my life and I failed. And I'm so, so sorry." Bucky choked out, his voice shaking. It was his fault, he knew it was his fault. He should have never sent her away, and she would have never fallen in the river.
Charles' face fell as he realized what he was saying. Shock appeared on his expression as his eyes flashed to Bucky and tried to figure out if he was lying at all. "What?" He whispered sadly as he sat down across from Bucky, worried he would fall from the news.
"I'm so sorry. It's all my fault." Saying those words tasted like poison. Bucky should have fallen with her. Living a life without her was a hell worse than any other pain. Nothing would ever compare to watching the woman he loved fall to her death.
"She's-she's gone?" From the look of Charles' face, he was still trying to process what Bucky had said. His eyes were blank, emotionless and empty. His face showing a greater shock, as though what Bucky said couldn't have possibly been true. "No. No. What… No. What happened?" His eyes became blurry with tears also.
Bucky could only shake his head and clutch his fist so hard that he could barely feel it. He pressed his nails into his skin so it drew blood. He didn't know if he had the strength to describe out loud how she died.
"It's my fault." He said barely above a whisper. "I was supposed to make sure nothing happened to her. I was supposed to protect her. And I let her fall."
Charles's eyes widened in surprise as he tried to take in what Bucky was saying. His mind must have been racing a million miles per minute, trying to discover for himself what happened. "She fell? What do you mean she fell? What the hell happened?!" The British man demanded, his sadness and shock growing into frustration.
Bucky took a deep breath and put the palms of his hands to his face and pressed hard. He was hoping that by bringing himself pain that he would no longer be able to feel his heartbreak further.
"We… We had finished our mission. We were taking cover in a farmhouse." What had happened in that farmhouse was something Bucky would always remember. It had been the best two days of his life. Waking up with her and kissing her warm skin was a paradise he had never known existed. Feeling her lips against his brought happiness that was unprecedented. And laying between her legs and being consumed between her warmth was heaven. She was heaven. He had never known a woman could make him feel such a way.
"And I wasn't careful." Bucky swallowed another lump building in the back of his throat. He struggled to speak, knowing that when he spoke the words it would make them true, "I knew they were looking for us and I didn't take the time to hide the motorcycles we stole from them. They had to have been looking for them and found us. We were caught by surprise. We were able to escape into the woods but she fell into the river and then…" Bucky couldn't continue. He took a shaky deep breath and tried to meet Charles's eyes. He couldn't look at him, he couldn't look at his concerned face and see the hurt flash across it.
"It's… It's alright." Charles said comfortingly, not knowing how to react to the man who he was sure once hated Lucy.
"I couldn't save her. I tried so hard, and she let herself fall from a waterfall so she could save me. And it should have been me." Bucky tried to control his breathing. He bit the inside of his cheeks so hard he drew blood. "It should have been me."
Charles looked devastated, tears welling in his eyes. "Do you think she suffered?"
Bucky shook his head, he shut his eyes tightly, trying to keep himself together. "I don't know. God, I hope not. I'd never be able to live with myself." The thought of her hurting nearly put him over the edge again.
"She was the best boss I've ever had," Charles said with a broken voice, looking down at his shaking hands. He still looked like he hadn't quite processed the news. Hell, Bucky still didn't believe it and it had been weeks.
"She saved us so many times," Bucky's voice caught, threatening to break as he became choked up, "That dame was a stick of dynamite. Most crazy, brave, and reckless woman I knew." Fondness dripped from his voice. There were no hints of malice as Charles had once detected, only affection and heartache.
"Dear God," Charles only sighed, his eyes flashing to Bucky's face, trying to see something. He was studying him as though he was a subject, seeking something in his expression, "You poor bloody fool. You fell in love with her."
Bucky said nothing, he couldn't admit to Charles that he was right. Of course, he was in love with her. He loved her more than anything. And she was taken from him before they even had a chance to be together.
Bucky crosses his arms and bit his tongue harder. He wanted to punch something, yell and scream at the same time, "You should do what you promised." Charles only looked at him confused, wondering what he was talking about. His eyes flashed to him as Bucky continued, "You said if I failed you'd make my life a living hell. I let her down, I let you down. You should do as you promised."
Charles only placed his hand on his shoulder, "I won't make your life a living hell. I'm afraid you're already in one."
He was right. Bucky was in one. Life without Lucy was a worse hell than whatever awaited him after death.
Charles cleared his throat, trying hard once again to keep his emotions intact. Bucky envied his decorum. But of course, to him, she was only a boss and a friend. To Bucky, she was the love of his life. Charles stood up, cleaning his glasses on his shirt and blinking back tears, "Do you… Do you have anything of hers?"
Bucky shook his head solemnly, knowing he never even had a letter of hers with her handwriting, let alone a picture like most guys carried around of their girls.
Charles pursed his lips together and went to a chest in the back of the tent. Bucky had a sickening feeling in his stomach as he realized something, "She has two sisters and adoptive parents."
Charles continued searching in the back, "Adeline and Beatrix, her brother in law Johnathan as well. And a niece and a nephew. They'll be getting letters soon after this, I'd imagine." He said with a twinge is sadness in his tone.
Bucky swallowed thickly, knowing her family would go through the same heartache he did. Charles returned not long after, a book in his hand. He passed it to Bucky, who looked at him in surprise, "She wrote a few pieces for this. It's on religious artifacts, perhaps boring for you but it was what caught my attention on her work." Bucky opened the table of contents, and amidst all the masculine names he saw hers near the very bottom.
Charles passed him a newspaper clipping, which was roughly cut out. The picture of Lucy nearly caught his breath, as he saw her hunched over a mosaic, paintbrush in hand as she dusted it off. The headline read 'Chicago University Hires First Female Archaeology Professor.'
She clearly hadn't been expecting the picture to be taken. She looked much younger, and Bucky knew wherever she was it wasn't New York. It could have been when she was in Paris, or really anywhere else.
"It was taken in a church in France, her first big find." Charles specified, smiling down fondly. "Right before she got her doctorate as well. I believe her fiancé, Daniel, took that one." It had to have been taken by a lover. It caught her at the most perfect angle, in her most natural form. She was wearing a skirt with a button-down shirt tucked into it. Her hair was perfectly done in curls, some falling in her face. She had classic sunglasses on, and her lips were painted darker, and even though the picture was in black and white Bucky knew she was wearing red lipstick.
She was a vision, and as he saw her his heart clenched. Knowing he would never see her again, let alone hunched over the very thing she loved most, broke his heart.
"Thank you," Bucky choked, his voice going hoarse.
Charles only pat his shoulder again sympathetically, looking at him like a wounded animal.
Bucky folded the picture up, and tucked it into his breast pocket, knowing he'd likely keep it there for a long time to come. It was right where it should be, close to his heart.
So I usually don't like to spoil anything in my stories, but I feel the need to assure you that not a single hair on Hilda's innocent little head will be hurt. I wanted to highlight the struggles women faced in the war by men, without actually writing too much. Making sure my readers feel safe is my first priority, and I know heavy topics such as this can be difficult.
I'm so glad to be updating again and sharing my work with everyone. Over the last month I have been planning out the remainder of the chapters and there's a very large possibility this will have at least another 10+ chapters at the very least :) I'm in it for the long haul, and I'm hoping to finish up before this story even turns a year old.
Please review! It means so much to me to hear what you think of this story. Also, let me know about chapter titles and if you want anything in specific to have a certain name. Don't forget to follow and favourite as well!
-A
