Two years since an update - I'm so, so sorry, but we're here now. And the story continues...
Helena gathers her coat and satchel, making her way out of the office when she notices the light to Myka's office is still on. Odd. Myka usually leaves work at least an hour earlier than Helena. It's been a conversation they've had more than once. Myka thought it would be better if they adjusted their schedules and started carpooling together, but Helena likes to start work later, giving her time to sleep in a little in the mornings. But it also means she generally works later too. Only not tonight it would seem.
"Working late?" Helena asks, watching Myka look up at her over her computer screen.
"Uh, yeah. You know Rebecca is planning to come into the office in a few days to finalize everything. I just want to make sure everything is prepared for her."
"I'm sure it will be fine, Myka. Can't it wait until tomorrow?"
"I'd rather work on it now," she answers with barely a glance at Helena, turning her attention back to the screen as though dismissing Helena's presence.
"All right. Shall I keep dinner for you?"
"Don't bother. I'll just grab something later."
"You need to eat. If you don't want to go home just yet, why don't we go out to dinner together and then you can come back to this?"
"No, I'm fine. You go on home, have dinner, and I'll see you later."
Helena has a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Myka is avoiding her, that much is apparent. And she thinks she knows the reason why, but she doesn't feel she can cancel her meeting either. Giselle is one regret Helena would rather not carry with her the rest of her life and in order to do that, she must speak with her.
"Are you sure there isn't anything I can do to help?" she tries again.
"No."
"Well then, when can I expect you home?"
"I don't know for sure. Late, probably."
Helena just nods. "All right. See you later then," she says leaving Myka alone unaware that Myka watches her go, longing and regret residing in green eyes along with determination.
Myka sighs after Helena leaves. She doesn't like this rift between them, this rift that she is causing but it's for the best she thinks. If Helena still has feelings for Giselle, if she wants to get back together with the other woman, then Myka needs to distance herself as much as she can. She won't avoid heartbreak altogether but at least if she stays away in the evenings now, there will be no more cuddling on the sofa under a shared blanket as they watch a movie or bantering over ice cream or long conversations before sleep or for heaven's sake anymore kisses. Myka can't endure it anymore, not if she's to lose Helena in the long run. Better to sever ties now as well as she can. At least any hope of romantic ties. She'll always be Helena's friend as long as her friendship is still desired. But if Giselle is in the picture again, she knows that friendship is likely to falter the way it did when Helena was seeing the other woman. She remembers those days well enough - the distance between them then because Helena was embarking on a new relationship.
"Hey, you want to get dinner tonight and take it back to my place for a movie with just the two of us?" Myka asked pulling on her coat just inside Helena's office doorway.
"Oh, as lovely as that sounds, Myka, I actually have other plans for this evening."
"Oh, no problem. How about tomorrow then? Do you want to do something? We could go to the art museum and see the Monet exhibit."
"Actually, I'm afraid I won't be available tomorrow either. I'm…I'm seeing someone."
"Oh," Myka said, knowing the surprise in her voice was evident. She quickly worked to suppress it. "That's great, Helena, I'm happy for you. Just…please tell me it's not Nate again, right? Because he was…fine but you can do so much better."
Helena laughed. "Thank you for that, I think, but no, it's not Nate. And I happen to think she is much better, at least as much as I know about her thus far. We've only been seeing each other a couple weeks."
"Oh," Myka repeated, trying to process the fact that Helena was seeing a woman. She always knew that Helena was bisexual - but she'd never known her to date a woman…until now. The knowledge sent an unpleasant jolt to her stomach that she didn't expect and couldn't explain. "Well, I think it's wonderful you've met someone, I'd love to meet her sometime."
"Perhaps eventually. Just for now though I want to keep her all to myself, see how things go, so if you would please keep mum about her to the rest of them," Helena gestured to the nearly empty office.
"Yeah, of course. I hope you and…"
"Giselle," Helena supplied.
Of course the woman had to have a French name, conjuring all sorts of images in Myka's mind of a beautiful, exotic woman whispering the language of love in Helena's ear. And why did she care? Myka felt herself flush and quickly chastised herself. "I hope you and Giselle have a lovely evening. Goodnight, Helena," she managed to speak before quickly leaving the office.
That night, not so very long ago in Myka's memory, had marked the start of a shift in their friendship as Helena made more time to spend with Giselle and less time with Myka. And rightly so. After all, Helena had cared for - perhaps even loved Giselle, hadn't she? She'd never said so directly, but it was certainly likely given the nature of their relationship. A relationship that could very well be on the brink of rekindling now. It is too much to bear thinking about.
After she's certain Helena has left for home, Myka heads down to the cafeteria, hoping it's still open to buy herself a sandwich for dinner. She's in luck, it is open though quite deserted. She hurries to find a sandwich, something with wilted lettuce and tomato but at least it will keep her from starving as she works through the evening instead of returning home where Helena will be. And it pains her to know that she's avoiding the very person she wants to be near most in the world.
She's just paid for the lackluster sandwich and a bottle of iced tea when she turns to see a familiar figure sitting at a table in a corner. Sam. He isn't alone. There's a pretty woman with blonde hair sitting beside him, two beverages on the table between them. The woman says something that causes Sam to tilt his head back in laughter and that's when he catches sight of Myka. She lifts the same hand holding the bottle of tea to wave. She doesn't intend anything by it, only a quick hello in passing, but Sam is saying something to the woman before he rises and jogs over to meet her.
"Myka, it's good to see you," he tells her.
"Hi, Sam. I didn't mean to interrupt. I'm just came down for a quick dinner so I can keep working late tonight."
"Sorry you have to work so late, but I know how that goes. But what about your wife - she didn't stay to have dinner with you?"
"She offered, but I told her to just go on home." Not able to bear the sympathy she knows she'll find in Sam's eyes she quickly changes the topic. "You seem to be staying late yourself," she says with a glance at the woman at the table.
Sam follows her gaze to the woman now paging through what must be some case file. "I guess I am. That's Allison, my coworker. We've got a late night ahead of us too, so decided to take a quick break. It's funny, we've known each other for years, always gotten along great. And I don't know, suddenly I looked at her one day last week and saw something I hadn't noticed before. Turns out she felt the same way about me so now we're slowly venturing into that realm of dating together."
"That's great, Sam," Myka says sincerely.
He nods. "I think so too. There's something to be said for relationships that start in friendship, don't you think?"
"Absolutely, there is," Myka agrees, feeling her eyes begin to fill with tears at the thought of Helena and their friendship and Myka's love and affection for her. "That's the way it happened for me. One moment Helena was my best friend and the next - she meant everything to me."
"It's pretty startling when that happens, isn't it?"
Myka laughs through unshed tears, thinking of her moment of epiphany when Helena first kissed her at their wedding ceremony. "It definitely was for me."
"But amazing too," Sam says, looking across the room at Allison.
"Yeah, it is," she agrees. For even though her future with Helena is uncertain at best right now, Myka wouldn't change her feelings for Helena for the world. She loves her; she will always love her.
"I'm happy for you, Sam," she tells him. "Hold onto her."
"I plan to," he says beginning to walk away. "And hey, you too."
Myka nods. She hopes to hold onto Helena for the rest of their lives, as long as Helena wants that too. For now, she will have to wait and see.
Helena slips off her coat and shoes the moment she steps inside the too-quiet apartment. The silence seems unnatural to her ears without Myka's conversation and laughter filling her senses. Most nights when Helena comes home after work, Myka is already in the middle of preparing dinner, happy to have Helena help her with the final touches, setting the table, pouring the drinks, mixing a salad, whatever the evening calls for. And then they sit together at the table, enjoying their meal and each other's company.
Not tonight. What is usually a warm and inviting kitchen is devoid of that now. Helena knows she should fix herself something to eat. She knows tacos had been planned for tonight from Myka's week-long menu that they both create. It's a simple meal to prepare but with Myka unable, or rather unwilling, to share the meal with her, Helena doesn't have much appetite and no motivation to cook.
She avoids the kitchen for the moment, retreating instead to the bedroom. Their bedroom. It's too quiet here as well, Helena missing the sounds she would normally hear coming from the kitchen as she rushes to change before returning to Myka's side. She takes her time tonight, slowly unbuttoning her blouse, allowing it to drop to the floor before removing her slacks as well. She's careful to place both items in the hamper for laundering and then enters the closet for something more comfortable to wear. She settles easily on a pair of leggings, slipping them on but she hesitates when choosing a shirt. It's another cool fall night and while she has plenty of long-sleeved shirts to help ward off the chill, they aren't what she needs tonight.
She steps further into the closet, seeking out what she knows she'll find there. She pulls the garment from its hanger and holds it close to her chest, closing her eyes briefly as she inhales its sweet scent.
"Where did you find that?"
Giselle looked down at the sweatshirt she slipped on. "In the back of your closet. I wanted something warm and comfy to wear while I scrounged up some breakfast and this seemed perfect," she smiled while ducking her nose into the collar to inhale its owner's scent. "I didn't know you attended Colorado State."
"I didn't."
Giselle laughed. "Okay. And you just happen to have a sweatshirt for the college, because why?"
"It belongs to a friend actually," Helena said frantically trying to find a way to get Giselle to remove it from her body without being obvious that she wanted it removed. "I borrowed it some time ago and just haven't returned it yet."
"No wonder it doesn't smell like you," Giselle responded with another duck under the collar to inhale the scent. "It's a sweet scent, but not yours."
"No," Helena agreed eying the shirt possessively and biting her lip to keep the plea to remove it instantly from being voiced. After nearly three years, there wasn't much of Myka's scent left but she wanted the faint sweet floral scent to remain as long as possible without Giselle's more citrus scent to overwhelm it. She sat up further in bed, allowing the sheet to pool at her waist, relieved to see Giselle's eyes track to her bare chest. "I bet I can come up with a much more satisfactory way to keep you warm, darling."
"I bet you can too," Giselle agreed, falling for the seduction as she approached Helena's side of the bed, allowing the dark-haired woman to lift the sweatshirt from her body, her warm hands raising goosebumps along her heated skin as Helena pulled her back to bed.
She's startled by the memory and quickly pushes it aside as she slips the sweatshirt over her head. She had been so worried that Giselle's scent would overtake Myka's, not allowing herself to wonder the reason why she had been so worried; why she had needed to keep Myka's sweatshirt after all that time. She had been lying to herself for so long. She laughs now at her ignorance, not to mention the irony. Now she lives with Myka, sharing a closet full of clothing with her enticing, stomach-swooping scent. Not to mention the woman sleeps beside her every night. And she's no closer to admitting her love for Myka now than she was then. It's a bitter thought, especially when she has no one to blame but herself.
Helena eventually fixes a simple salad for dinner. She eats while sitting on the sofa, turning the TV on for some sound in an otherwise silent apartment. She expects Myka to come through the door at any minute, hang up her coat and sit down beside her with a tired sigh. She wants to lay a soothing hand along her arm, stroke her thigh and offer to get her some ice cream to end the night on a positive note. But hours pass and Myka doesn't come through the door. Helena picks up her phone a dozen times, wondering if she missed a call or if she should call Myka to ask if she's alright and if she will be coming home at all but she can't bear it if the answer is no.
Eventually she turns off the TV for the night and puts her dishes away to be washed before retreating to their bedroom. She brushes her teeth in a daze, mind still worried about Myka. It's nearing ten o'clock and she still isn't home. She should be here now. They should both be in this bedroom together, preparing for sleep, settling under the covers, talking in hushed tones before they inevitably fall asleep in each other's arms.
Except they didn't sleep in each other's arms last night. They hadn't even touched.
Helena can feel hot tears prick at her eyes. This is not how things are between them. She's been teetering on the edge for weeks, trying to gain the courage to tell Myka she's in love with her and now, after one phone call, she's further distanced from Myka than she's ever been.
She doesn't bother to change into pajamas, choosing instead to remain in the leggings and Myka's sweatshirt she's worn all evening. If she can't have Myka's arms wrapped around her, it's a comforting thought that she can at least have something of Myka's wrapped around her instead. Helena tucks her nose under the collar to inhale Myka's soft scent before moving to the bed and slipping under the covers. She leaves the lamp on, planning to wait up for Myka. Grabbing a novel from her nightstand, she flips it open to read. But she doesn't get far before exhaustion overtakes her and she nods off to sleep, the book falling propped open across her chest.
Myka finds her that way not long after.
She walks into her apartment that night upset with herself that she stayed at work so late - that she stayed away from Helena for so long. And for what reason? Because she's jealous of another woman that Helena may or may not still have feelings for?
She's disappointed when the apartment is dark and quiet at her entrance. Part of her thought - hoped - that Helena would be waiting up for her and that they could possibly talk about this sudden rift between them. A rift that Myka knows she is causing more than anything else.
She puts her coat and satchel away in the hall closet and notices a faint light emanating from the hallway. Perhaps Helena has waited for her after all. Her heartbeat quickens as she quietly makes her way to their bedroom, gently pushing the door open to reveal Helena in bed already asleep. Disappointment returns with the knowledge that there won't be any heart to heart talk tonight after all.
Instead Myka pulls sleep wear from her bureau drawer and escapes to the bathroom to prepare for bed. Once dressed for bed, she considers sleeping on the sofa rather than risk waking Helena but just as she's about to turn out the light, she sees the book propped open against Helena's chest. Carefully she removes the book from Helena's grasp and places it on the nightstand. It's then that she notices Helena isn't wearing her usual sleep wear but one of Myka's college sweatshirts. Myka bites her lip at the sight. Maybe Helena had intended to wait up for her after all if she hadn't yet changed into sleep clothes.
So, so carefully, Myka brushes dark hair away from Helena's face, startling when Helena turns into her touch but doesn't wake. She removes her hand from cupping Helena's cheek and pulls the duvet further over her shoulders, relieved when Helena burrows further under the covers.
She considers sleeping on the sofa once more but decides against it, not wanting to add any physical discomfort to the emotional discomfort she already feels. She carefully slips into bed beside Helena, making sure her movement is minimal so not to disturb the sleeping woman beside her. Helena stirs slightly in sleep and for one moment, Myka wildly hopes that Helena will turn to settle against her side, the way she usually does, throwing an arm over Myka's abdomen and holding her close. It doesn't happen however and Myka turns on her side away from Helena, longing for her mind to settle and sleep to overtake her.
Sleep proves to be elusive however when Myka can't stop thinking about Helena meeting Giselle again. She can't stop thinking about Helena being with Giselle. She closes her eyes for sleep and only memories appear.
"You're working late tonight," Helena spoke, smirking when Myka turned towards her, clearly startled that someone else was still in the office.
"Yeah, I had some things to finish up before morning," she responded as she pulled on her coat and grabbed her satchel to join Helena at the door. "You're working late too," she smiled.
"Mmm. I asked Adwin for a revision of his last chapter. I've been going over it diligently most of the afternoon, but the letters finally became a blurred mess, so I decided to call it a night."
Myka laughed. "I know that feeling well."
"I know you do," Helen smiled as they made their way to the elevator. Once inside, Helena leaned back against the wall, closing her tired eyes for just a moment.
"I'm too tired to cook tonight," Myka spoke. "I thought I'd stop somewhere for a quick dinner. Do you want to join me?"
For a moment Helena seemed to struggle for an answer. "I'm sorry, Myka," she said regretfully, "but I already have plans for the evening."
"Oh, sure…maybe another time then."
"Absolutely. We haven't had a night just to ourselves in some time, have we?" Helena asked as they walked off the elevator through the lobby.
Myka shook her head. "Not since you and…"
"Yes, I know," Helena laughed self-consciously. "Well, you and I will just have to make time to get together for a night on the town," she smiled.
"Or a quiet evening in," Myka smiled softly in return as she pushed open the building door to step onto the sidewalk outside.
"Even better," Helena agreed smiling.
Elation filled her heart at Helena's words. She missed this - she missed them. She was happy for Helena, that she'd found someone, but there was no denying she missed the days when it was just the two of them, hanging out after work and on the weekends.
Then again maybe it was time she got into the dating world again. Claudia had mentioned a new dating app she was trying out. She should ask her about it. After all, it had been months since her relationship with Jeff dissolved. Time to move on. And if she found someone, maybe she wouldn't miss Helena quite so much. Maybe. Hopefully.
How naive she had been. There would never be anyone for her but Helena. She knows that now. Myka listens to the steady breathing of Helena beside her, takes comfort that Helena is here with her now at least, and allows herself to be lulled to sleep.
If Helena had any hope that a new day would bring any change in Myka's demeanor towards her, that hope was soon dashed when she awoke the next morning to find Myka's side of the bed vacant. The only sign that Myka had in fact returned home the night before was that the book Helena had fallen asleep attempting to read was placed carefully on her nightstand.
She eats breakfast alone. And though Myka had accepted the coffee Helena brought to her midmorning, she didn't encourage much conversation and begged off at lunch as well. And again, that evening, Myka had refused her dinner invitation. Her exact words had been something about not wanting to trouble Helena, but it had been a refusal none the less.
So, for the second night in a row, Helena comes home to an empty apartment after Myka insisted she had too much work to do at the office. She hadn't come home until after Helena fell asleep last night and Helena knows to expect the same thing tonight.
It's obvious that Myka is upset with her, and she doesn't blame her. Not really. If their situations had been reversed, she knows she wouldn't like the idea of Myka going to see an ex-lover, but she likes to think if she knew it was something Myka wanted, something she needed that Helena would let her go, much the same way Myka is letting Helena see Giselle now. Still, she doesn't like this separation between them, and she considers calling off her planned meeting with Giselle. But she also owes it to Giselle to meet. And once she does, she can put Giselle behind her for good, hopefully also letting go of the guilt she still feels regarding their break-up. She just hopes Myka can understand.
Not in the mood to fix dinner only to eat alone again, Helena decides she could do with a warm bath to help relax. She enters the bedroom, shedding her work clothes and pulling out her sleep clothes and robe to change into afterward.
Running the water for the bath, she uses the time spent waiting for the tub to fill to gaze at her reflection in the mirror and notes that she looks tired. And sad. This separation from Myka for the last couple nights is taking its toll. She misses her best friend, the woman she can tell anything to, except apparently that she's in love with her.
Helena turns away from the mirror and the truth that confronts her there to turn off the water for the bath. Quickly shedding her underclothes, she submerges her body in the warm water, sighing with pleasure, feeling her worries begin to slightly abate.
This meeting with Giselle is as much for she and Myka as it is anything to do with Giselle, though she's not sure Myka would see it that way. But if all go as she hopes, it will set her free, set all of them free. And maybe she can at last tell Myka the truth about the breakup since it did in some way result because of Helena's feelings for Myka. Feelings she had concealed so well, most of all from herself. Feelings that turned out to be far more transparent than she realized, at least by eyes that were willing to see them.
"It's been another long week," Helena sighed. "I've hardly known whether I'm coming or going half the time. I'm sorry we didn't get a chance for lunch this week. And I feel like I've hardly seen you at all."
"I know, it's okay. It's the nature of the job sometimes. I can walk with you down to the lobby at least if you're ready to go."
"Yes, I am," she said pulling on her coat. "You're not going to the parking garage?"
"Not yet. I'm stopping to get some Thai food for takeout first before heading home and watch a movie."
"A night in sounds wonderful," Helena sighed.
"You're welcome to join me if you want," she offered.
"Oh, Myka, as lovely as that sounds, I already have plans for tonight."
Myka nodded. "Of course - with Giselle, I presume?"
"Yes. She wants me to meet her at the little bistro across the way for dinner. I am sorry, Myka."
"There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm happy for you, Helena. That you've found someone," she said leading them out of the office towards the elevators. "So, things are getting serious between you two then?"
Helena laughed. "I wouldn't say it's serious. We've only been seeing each other a little over two months."
"No plans to meet the family yet then I take it?" Myka smiled.
"Goodness no. Her parents and brother all live out of state, though the conversation to visit them has come up," she admitted as they stepped into the elevator. "But no, no plans of that nature as of yet."
"Any plans to let us finally meet her?" Myka asked. "There's another movie night coming up, this time at Pete and Amanda's so there will be plenty of room to include her."
For reasons Helena couldn't explain, the thought of Giselle and Myka meeting caused a knot in her stomach, never mind the thought of introducing Giselle to everyone else. "I don't know. Things are still so new between us - with her work taking her away sometimes days at a time, and I want to keep her to myself for just a little while longer I suppose," Helena smiled.
"Fair enough. What does she do that she's away sometimes?"
"She's a photojournalist. She mostly works for the Denver Pos, but she does some freelance work as well."
"Really? Wait. The Denver Post - not Giselle Fraser?"
"Yes. You're familiar with her work then?"
Myka huffed a laugh. "You could say that. I've been reading that newspaper most of my life, and yeah, her articles have become more prominent over the last few years. So you're dating Giselle Fraser. Incredible," Myka said in a voice Helena couldn't quite interpret. Admiration yes, but also something else. If she had to provide a word for her voice just now, it also sounded like resignation. But that didn't quite fit either.
"She's quite the adventurer."
"Yes, she seems to enjoy it. And as much as I am enjoying my time with her when work doesn't take her away, I miss our time together as well, Myka," she admitted. "I feel like you and I haven't had a proper time together the way we used to, never mind interactions with everyone else. I miss it."
Myka stepped into the elevator with Helena. "Then we just need to make the time. Why don't we plan on lunch together next week, just the two of us? Then it won't encroach on any of your time with Giselle."
"I'd like that. But I want to see you outside of the office as well, like we always used to. How about wine and dessert at my place next Thursday night?"
Myka smiled. "Okay, but only one glass. I want to be able to drive home rather than risking my back to sleep on your sofa again."
"It isn't that bad!"
"It definitely is," Myka grinned.
"Fine, one glass. But you know you're always welcome to share my bed instead," she smirked.
Myka huffed a laugh and raised an eyebrow at her. "One glass so I can be sure to drive myself home to sleep in my own bed."
"Spoilsport," Helena grinned back.
Both women were laughing when they walked off the elevator into the building's lobby right into a woman Helena recognized was waiting for her.
"Giselle!" Helena exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I thought I was to meet you at the restaurant?" her eyes drifted apprehensively to Myka as she spoke.
"That was the plan, but I was early so I thought I'd catch you here and walk with you to the restaurant instead," she smiled and leaned in to brush a kiss of hello against Helena's lips but when Helena turned away at the last second, her lips met Helena's cheek instead.
Meeting Giselle's blue eyes, Helena registered the surprise reflected there and knew the reason for it. She had never been shy about receiving Giselle's kisses in public before. She had never been shy about initiating a kiss either, but now…
"And who is this?" Giselle asked, turning her attention to Myka.
"Ah, yes, sorry. Giselle, this is Myka Bering, my friend and coworker. Myka, as you've gathered, this is Giselle Fraser," Helena introduced awkwardly.
Myka extended her hand to shake, and Helena noticed only the slightest hesitation from Giselle to return it.
"You're Myka?" she asked almost in disbelief.
"Yes. Helena probably hasn't mentioned me, I guess. Not that she would have any reason to."
"Oh, she's mentioned you, Myka," she affirmed.
"Well, Helena has told me a little about you too. You're a photojournalist for my favorite newspaper. I've viewed many of your articles. The things you've seen…I was just telling Helena as we came down that you must live such an adventurous life."
"It has its perks, but also its downsides," Giselle commented as she glanced at Helena.
"I can imagine. It must be difficult to be away so often from the people you care about," Myka said, looking at Helena. " Anyway, I'm so glad to finally meet you. I told Helena before that we should all get together some time, but it's never seemed to work out."
"No, I guess it hasn't," Giselle said looking at Helena who glanced away under her stare. "Another downside of my career it would seem."
"Of course. Well, I should get going and allow you two to go to dinner with the time you do have together. I hope you both have a wonderful evening and Helena, I'll see you on Monday," Myka told her with a light squeeze at her arm, smiling when Helena's hand brushed against hers in reflex before she departed.
"Goodnight, Myka," Helena said watching her out of sight before she turned to meet Giselle's blue eyes.
"So that was the elusive Myka," Giselle spoke.
"Elusive?"
"The one that I've been trying to meet for the last few weeks, along with the rest of your friends, but about whom you always conveniently changed the subject whenever it was brought up."
"Giselle…"
"You were right - there's definitely no mistaking Myka is a woman," Giselle said, and Helena recalled an earlier conversation they had and the misunderstanding surrounding Myka's gender-neutral name. "She's lovely."
Helena sighed. "So are you."
"She smells good too," Giselle continued as if Helena hadn't spoken. "That scent she wore - it was familiar. I've smelled it before."
Helena dropped her gaze from Giselle's knowing exactly what she was insinuating. "I'm sure her perfume is a common fragrance," she tried to deflect.
"You didn't go to Colorado State, but I think Myka did, didn't she?"
"Yes, she did. I thought we were on our way to dinner. Please, let's just go to dinner and enjoy our evening together as planned."
Giselle ignored her. "I have lots of friends that I've borrowed clothes from, Helena. But I've never clung to any of them for "some time", and I always made sure to return them freshly laundered. Tell me, what reason would you have to keep Myka's sweatshirt for so long and it still smell like her?"
"Alright, I can see that dinner is no longer the forefront of your mind. Perhaps we should have this discussion somewhere more private, rather than in the lobby of my workplace," Helena suggested with a tired sigh.
"You avoided my kiss because she was watching us," Giselle went on, determined to have her say.
Helena didn't know what to say to that. "It was nothing. I just…I didn't…"
"What? Didn't want Myka to see the affection between us?" Giselle finished for her. "Why not?"
Helena remained silent.
"When the two of you came off the elevator - smiling and laughing…I haven't seen you smile like that before - or laugh quite that way, so uninhibited and perfectly happy. I've never seen that look on your face as you looked at her."
"How have I looked at her?" Helena asked perplexed.
"With such…adoration. With…with reverence. I've never seen you look that way at me before - and I think now I never will - will I?"
"Myka is my dearest friend. We've known each other for years. The way I look at her is with..."
"Love," Giselle finished. "You look at her with love."
Helena felt her stomach swoop and her heart begin to beat rapidly at the declaration. She looked away from Giselle in the direction where Myka had gone. Of course she loved Myka - as a friend. That was all. That had to be all.
"You're in love with her, aren't you?" The question is voiced so softly and it's not really a question at all, but rather a resigned statement of fact.
"She's not in love with me," Helena responded equally softly.
A gasp fell from Giselle's lips, the sound of it startling Helena to look up and see the stricken look on her face.
"That's not what I asked."
Giselle, please…" Helena tried, realizing suddenly just what she had confessed. All the years of trying to suppress her feelings for Myka that had now been brought to the surface where she could no longer deny them. Forced to examine those feelings in a way she hadn't dared before. Admitting that she was in love with her best friend. And it was brought to light by the very woman that she was currently dating - that she should have been falling for. The woman standing before her now with tears in her eyes.
"That's not what I asked, but I received my answer all the same," Giselle smiled dejectedly. "It makes sense now why you didn't want me to meet her or any of your friends. I suppose I was just someone to pass the time with until you could be with her?"
"No, that isn't what this is."
"Then what is it?"
"It's…it's," Helena struggled to find an answer because Giselle was right. "I don't know," she finally said, the anguish in Giselle's blue eyes crushing her. "I didn't…intend for things to go this way. You must know that I care for you."
The other woman nodded. "I know, but it isn't enough. I was falling for you, Helena. But now I can see it's a lost cause when your heart belongs to her. To Myka. And I need to go."
"Giselle, wait, please," Helena begged her.
"What for? she sighed. "Nothing more we say is going to change things between us. There isn't any point in trying - is there?"
Helena remained silent a moment too long.
"That's what I thought," Giselle shook her head, turning away. "Goodbye, Helena."
Helena watched Giselle leave until she was out of sight and then fell into a chair, crushed by the onslaught of emotions. How could she not have realized how deeply she felt for Myka? Why did it have to be Giselle to make her realize? The pain she caused reflected in those blue eyes…
Helena briefly thought to follow after her, but Giselle was right. There was nothing left to say with the realization she was in love with her best friend. She was in love with Myka. Following after Giselle to try to reconcile any relationship they had wouldn't change that truth. For she did love Myka. She had managed to conceal that love for so many years from everyone, including herself, but once she knew it to be true, there was no denying it.
She had tried calling Giselle later that week, multiple times, to apologize and to explain to Giselle that she didn't know. She was always attracted to Myka, yes, but for years she had suppressed any stronger feelings than friendship she had felt for her. She had no idea she was so transparent, and she certainly had not meant to mislead Giselle in any way. Though it was also true that she and Giselle were in apparently much different stages of the same relationship. Helena believing it to be more carefree than the serious relationship Giselle was working towards.
But after days turned to weeks, Helena finally let go of the idea of seeing Giselle again. She spent an afternoon collecting items around her apartment that belonged to Giselle, wondering just how she had missed how much a part of herself Giselle was leaving behind, figuratively of course. By contrast, Helena knew she hadn't left anything with Giselle and that was part of the problem wasn't it? She had been unwilling to give up any part of herself to Giselle, holding it all back.
It was just a few short weeks later that she found herself before a judge speaking marriage vows of love and devotion with Myka. Looking about the apartment she sits in now, the very apartment that stores all of her belongings, the apartment she shares with Myka, the irony doesn't escape her of the sharp contrast between her relationship with Giselle and her relationship with Myka. She's shared everything she has with Myka, except one vital truth; that she's in love with her.
And how ironic it is now that Giselle is the reason for the growing separation between she and Myka after this delicate thing she hesitates to name had been blossoming between them. But that isn't fair either. Helena knows she is more to blame for this distance between she and Myka. Because she hasn't been honest with her about what she wants. That she hasn't told her the entire truth. That she is irrevocably and happily in love with her. That she is overjoyed to be married to Myka, even though the circumstances for their marriage wasn't ideal or planned. That she is terrified Myka doesn't feel the same - doesn't love her in return. Terrified that Myka won't even want to remain her friend after all she has been put through because of this marriage.
Helena leans her head back against the tub's surface, holding her left hand up to the light to look at her wedding ring. She hasn't taken it off since the day of their impromptu wedding ceremony in her office before all their friends. She's carefully watched Myka and doesn't think she's removed her ring since that day either. She hopes neither of them ever take them off. She so much wants to remain married to Myka for the rest of her life. If only Myka feels the same way.
She sighs heavily at the thought.
At least she has tomorrow to look forward to. Not only is it Friday, the last workday to a rather stressful week because of Myka's separation, but tomorrow is when they drive to Tracy's to spend the weekend with her. At last, Myka and she will have time together, forced as it may be because of a prior promise to Tracy. All she can do now is hope that tomorrow will be better between them. That this weekend get-away will somehow bring them closer together. Back to the way things were before.
The drive to Tracy's is mostly quiet, each woman lost in her own thoughts. Myka's primarily consist of the knowledge that Helena is going to meet with Giselle in just a few days. If it weren't for their promised weekend with Tracy, she'd probably meet with her sooner. Her stomach churns at the thought. She doesn't know what Giselle wants to talk about, but she guesses it has something to do with her wanting to get back together with Helena, and really, why wouldn't she? Helena is incredible in every way. Now she figures Helena will have to work something out to be with Giselle. Helena can't really just stop living with her considering their marriage and the ongoing investigation. She can't blow that now if she wants to remain in Denver so that she can eventually be with Giselle again. Myka only wonders how Helena will work it out with Giselle, if Giselle will even be amenable to the idea of her girlfriend married and living with another woman. Myka knows how she feels about it, she hates the whole idea, but if being with Giselle is what will make Helena happy, then so be it. She's not going to stand in the way.
"You're awfully quiet, is everything alright, Myka?" Helena breaks the silence.
"Just thinking I guess," she sighs.
"May I ask what about?"
Myka hesitates before speaking, "This weekend is supposed to be about Tracy, making her feel good. Let's not let any of our issues we've been dealing with the last few days infiltrate our time with her."
"I realize that hearing from Giselle has upset you, but I don't understand why."
"Because I…because it could jeopardize your immigration status," Myka says, just barely catching herself from spilling the full truth of her feelings. Because she's terrified Helena still has feelings for Giselle and will resume their relationship leaving Myka alone and pining.
"I don't see how. She's not even aware I let my visa expire. And it's not as if I'm planning to get back together with her - we're just going to talk."
Myka considers her words. She knows that Helena means what she says, that she doesn't plan to get back together with Giselle, but she also knows that things happen, even unplanned things. Which is why she is currently wearing a wedding ring on the third finger of her left hand.
"Myka," Helena sighs when she remains silent, "I won't meet with Giselle if you don't want me to. I can mail her things back to her."
"Then why didn't you do that before, Helena? It's been weeks, months now since you broke up. I think for whatever reason, you still need to see her once more, whether for closure or...something else, you need to see her. I'm not going to get in the way of that."
"What other reason could I possibly have to see her other than to gain closure as you say?"
"I don't know, you tell me. You're the one who has remained tight-lipped on the whole reason why you broke up in the first place and why you've held onto her things all this time instead of just mailing them to her."
"I...I owe her an apology. She didn't allow me to give her one when last we spoke, she just left. So yes, I do think we both need closure, but that's all this meeting will be; an ending of a rather short chapter in our lives. I promise you it's nothing more than that."
Myka desperately hopes that's true. She had been on the verge of telling Helena the truth of her feelings the other night, that she is in love with her. And then the call from Giselle had shattered that intention in an instant. She doesn't say anything more on the matter, just keeps driving. "We should be there soon," is all she says before turning up the volume on the radio, signaling the end of any further discussion.
Myka parks her jeep in Tracy's driveway, turns off the ignition, and then nothing; she makes no move to leave the vehicle.
"What is it?" Helena asks her worriedly.
Myka moves slightly then, to turn enough to meet Helena's eyes, full of concern and maybe a hint of fear. "Let's make a promise now that this...this recent hiccup I guess we could call it, stays out of Tracy's home. This weekend is for her and I don't want any of our issues to pervade that. As far as Tracy is concerned, we are the happy newlyweds she believes us to be."
"Agreed. But Myka I..."
"Come on, Tracy's expecting us," Myka interrupts, opening her door and stepping out.
Helena sighs, catching fingers in her hair as she smooths it away from her face. She gives her hair a slight tug in frustration before following Myka's lead and exiting the Jeep.
Myka has gathered both of their bags from the back of the jeep and hands Helena hers. They don't even make it up the porch steps before Tracy is welcoming them from where she stands in the open doorway.
"What took you so long to get out of the jeep, you drove up a while ago."
"Were you watching us?" Myka asks amused.
"I may have been walking by the window for the last fifteen or so minutes hoping to finally see you arrive. I'm just so excited to have you both here and a little relieved too," she admits rubbing the swell of her stomach. "Just don't tell Kevin about that last part. He worries when I worry. Together we're quite the pair," she laughs.
"Well I can assure you we're very glad to be here," Helena tells her with a firm hug.
"Definitely," Myka agrees taking her turn hugging her sister.
"Tracy, your decorations are impressive," Helena says looking about the living room filled with cobwebs and candles, pumpkins and black cats, witches and bats.
"Thank you. I have a tendency to go all out for the holidays. I just love all of them. But let me guess, Myka didn't decorate your apartment at all, did she?"
"Hey, I hardly get any trick or treaters so what's the point?"
"Does there have to be a point to decorating for the holiday? It's fun, Myka."
"Well in all fairness, Myka and I have been busy with work. Halloween just sort of snuck up on us this year," Helena tells Tracy, omitting the fact that any thought towards the holiday was snuffed out in the last few days, both of their thoughts preoccupied with the state of their…relationship and what may become of it.
"Besides, I do decorate. I was just distracted this year," Myka says with a brief glance at Helena.
"Oh, I bet you were. Newlyweds," Tracy shakes her head, causing Myka to blush.
"That's not what I meant," she mumbles but Tracy ignores her.
"But just standby for Christmas, Helena, because that is a holiday even Myka decorates for."
"I'm well aware and I look forward to it," Helena tells her. And for a brief moment, Myka's heart flutters with a small hope that yes, maybe she and Helena will still be married then - despite the uncertainty of Giselle and deportation looming over them.
"Are either of you hungry? I made chicken tortilla soup for dinner tomorrow but if you're hungry, I'll heat some now for you," Tracy offers.
"Mmm. Tempting as that sounds, I think I'll have to pass," Helena says.
"We stopped for a quick bite on the way," Myka explains. She doesn't go into detail just how quick it had been. Going through a drive-thru and eating dinner on the road, so unwilling was she to actually stop and have dinner at home or in a restaurant with Helena seated beside her. She was afraid what they would say to each other and even more fearful they wouldn't have anything to say at all.
"Okay, but you absolutely cannot pass on dessert tonight. I made cream puffs."
"That sounds divine," Helena says. "I would never dream passing up on something so decadent," she grins and Myka wishes the combination of her word choice and that salacious grin didn't make her stomach swoop. It would seem that even when she's uncertain about them as a couple, she still very much wants them to be one.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're both here," Tracy says clapping her hands excitedly. "We're going to have so much fun this weekend. Let me show you your room so you can put away your things."
"You don't have to make a special trip upstairs just for us, Trace. We've been here before - I'm sure we can find the guest room fine."
"Oh, it's no trouble. My doctor says walking and light exercise is good for me and this little one," she says rubbing her belly affectionately. "Come on, grab your bags and follow me."
They do as they're told, following Tracy upstairs to the guest room across the hall from the nursery.
"I think I mentioned before the bed is a little on the small side, only a full size so I hope you don't mind," Tracy says. "And I hope you'll be comfortable enough for the weekend."
"It's not a problem," Helena assures her, with a furtive glance at Myka, hoping she speaks the truth. She and Myka haven't exactly sought each other's company the last few days and the fault is Helena's she's afraid.
"You two lovebirds will no doubt make the best of the accommodations," she grins at them.
"Yes, I'm sure we will. We're cuddlers after all," Helena replies, very much aware that Myka remains silent during the exchange.
"Of course you would be cuddlers," Tracy grins at them.
"Tracy, I almost forgot, we have a gift for you," Helena says pulling her suitcase onto the bed to unzip it.
"You didn't need to get me a gift, you're already doing me a favor by spending the weekend with me."
"It's not a favor, we're glad to be here," Myka assures her with a gentle squeeze along her arm.
"My hormones are way out of whack so if I cry this weekend just write it off to that," Tracy teases, the tears already threatening.
"It's alright, do whatever you need to do," Helena says. "And here, this is from Myka and I."
Tracy takes the small bag from her, looking inside to find contents of a care package.
"Oh, you, guys, now I really am going to cry," Tracy says succumbing to the tears after all. Myka and Helena both wrap their arms around her in a comforting hug. "Thank you for being here with me this weekend. It means more than you know."
"I think we're getting some insight to that," Myka teases, pulling back from the hug. "Come on, let's get this girls weekend started."
"So what movie are we watching first?" Tracy asks setting out bowls popcorn and candy corn on the coffee table in front of the couch, popping a candy corn in her mouth.
"Well I think we should let you decide since this weekend is meant for you," Helena says.
"Yeah, we're good with anything you decide."
"Well, if you're sure, I know Myka and I both have an affinity for The Mummy movies."
"Sounds perfect, put it on," Helena says taking a handful of popcorn.
Tracy loads the DVD before settling comfortably in a recliner. "Brendan Fraser is so dreamy," she sighs.
"Mmm. So is Rachel Weisz," Myka says.
"Myka! You've always had an attraction to pretty English women, haven't you?" Tracy teases.
Myka blushes, her eyes briefly darting to Helena, wishing she hadn't made any comment.
"It's been my benefit if she has," Helena says. "At least I hope I can place myself in that category," the strain between them over the last few days making her suddenly uncertain how Myka views her.
"You're beautiful," Myka expels automatically, not able to meet Helena's eyes as once again wishing she hadn't commented but also unwilling for Helena to believe anything to the contrary.
Helena smiles softly at the statement, snuggling deeper into Myka's side, feeling both relief and affection when Myka wraps an arm around her to pull her closer, meeting her eyes only briefly to offer a wry smile.
"Oh, you two are just so sweet, I can't get over it. To be newlyweds again," Tracy sighs.
"Surely you and Kevin haven't lost the romance, you cuddle, I've seen you," Helena says.
"We do. Kevin is still very affectionate after nearly four years of marriage. I guess there's just a part of me that worries things will change after the baby arrives. You know, sleepless nights, diaper changes and all that can sort of take the romance out of a relationship."
"Don't let it," Helena tells her. "Besides it's your love for each other that has created the baby you're expecting. They are the culmination of your romance."
"I know, you're right. It's just the baby blues talking. I'm so looking forward to meeting this little one, I can't even begin to tell you how much," she says gently rubbing her stomach.
"We're looking forward to that too, Trace."
"Oh? Is Aunt Myka going to babysit for us? Change messy diapers and clean up spit up?" Tracy teases.
"Okay when you put it that way, maybe not so much," Myka grimaces.
"Well I'm looking forward to baby cuddles and smiles," Helena says.
"Hey, why do you get the good things and I'm stuck with diaper changes?"
"We'll split the duties," Helena tells her with a kiss to Myka's cheek. The action is so reflexive for her she forgot for a moment Myka is hardly speaking to her and holds her breath waiting for Myka to pull away from the touch. She feels relief when Myka's arm around her tightens her hold even just briefly as though it is a reflexive action as well. Maybe there's hope for them yet. Beneath the hurt they're both feeling they still react to each other's touch in a way that speaks they want to be near each other. Helena settles into Myka's side feeling lighter than she has in days.
The feeling doesn't last however. Later, dressed for sleep, Helena slips into bed that night with Myka already there. She isn't reading like usual, instead curled on her side turned away from Helena. Careful not to make too much movement, Helena slips in beside her, making an effort not to touch Myka, though the bed is noticeably smaller than they're used to sleeping in and it's not an easy task. Finally settled, she mirrors Myka's position and turns on her side away from her.
"Goodnight, Myka," she says softly. Not bothering to wait for a reply she knows she probably won't receive, she turns out the light, plunging them into darkness.
Closing her eyes with a sigh, she barely hears Myka's answering, "Goodnight, Helena," but hear it she does, hope flaring within her again but tempered with uncertainty.
"We've been cooped up in this house all day. Time to get outside for some fresh air," Tracy declares the following afternoon.
"But it's so cold outside," Helena protests.
"That's why they've made these wonderful inventions called coats," Tracy laughs going to the hall closet to gather hers.
"Helena gets cold very easily," Myka explains.
"I'm sure you'll keep her warm," she winks. "Now come on, just a short walk around the neighborhood - it will do us all some good," Tracy coaxes. "Then afterward we can resume our rousing game of Monopoly, though I don't know if it's worth it. Myka is obviously winning."
"Hey, you know the rules to the game just as well as I do," Myka says standing from the table. "You should have bought Illinois Avenue when you had the chance."
"Yeah, yeah. Come on, get your coat on."
"I always thought the Boardwalk was the most valuable real estate in the game," Helena says.
"It is," Myka agrees, "but it's not landed on the most - Illinois Avenue is, so you get a better return on your investment."
"How do you know things like that?" Helena asks genuinely awed.
"Because she's a nerd," Tracy coughs the last word before grinning.
"More like because I had to entertain a younger sister too often and boardgames were something we both enjoyed. I can't help it if I figured out the best way to win a game and you preferred to buy property because you like the sound of it, like Mediterranean Avenue," she smirks back.
"Hey!" Tracy laughs, knowing what she says is true. "Yeah, well, I beat you at Life."
"That seems a little harsh," Helena intervenes.
"The board game, Life," Tracy smirks.
"Ah, of course. That's not one I'm familiar with."
"Just as well," Myka tells her. "Tracy was obsessed with getting married and having lots of kids in the game - I didn't really care about it."
"Yep, some things haven't changed," she laughs, touching her stomach. "And some things have," she says with a glance between Myka and Helena. "It looks to me that you're enjoying married life after all, Myka," she winks.
Myka blushes, briefly glancing at Helena before looking away. She's uncertain how to respond because while it's true she has enjoyed married life very much, it's also created anxiety with Immigration Services looming over them and now with Giselle, it's also tinged with the unknown. She doesn't know how long her marital bliss with Helena will really last. "Well, when you meet the right one…" she trails off.
Helena smiles at her. "Tracy, do you enjoy living in this neighborhood?" she asks as they begin their walk along the sidewalk, her hands stuffed deeply into the side pockets of her coat.
"Yes, it's pretty quiet for the most part. Lots of kids around which is great since that will mean this little one will have some playmates nearby," she says patting her stomach. "And it's a good school district too. Are you two considering getting a house anytime soon?"
"We have discussed the matter," Helena admits with a glance at Myka.
"Oh, so you're looking?"
"Not yet, but it's on the radar."
"Maybe eventually, but nothing is for sure," Myka adds, thinking of all that has changed between she and Helena just within the last few days. She has no idea what the future holds for them, if there even is a future for them now that Giselle is returning to Helena's life.
"That's exciting! Myka, why didn't you say anything?"
"Because there's nothing to tell. It's just a thought."
"It's only something we've briefly discussed," Helena explains. "But the fact remains, the apartment is becoming a little cramped now that I've moved all my things in and it would be nice for more space to really settle into. And to have a bit of land to grow a few flowers perhaps would be pleasant."
"I love having a yard. Not that I have much of a green thumb," Tracy laughs, "but I can manage a few flowers here and there. And I wanted a yard for our kids to play in."
They pass a home with a large front lawn, where several adults and children seem to be playing a rousing game of touch football. There's a large pile of leaves raked into a corner where a dog and child are having the time of their lives jumping into and spreading the leaves across the lawn.
"Looks like they're having a good time," Tracy smiles. "I remember my first touch football game."
"You played touch football?" Myka asks skeptical.
"Yes. You're not the only athletic one in the family."
"I know but your athletics isn't usually so…football," Myka says for lack of a better word.
Helena laughs but Myka notices her shiver and swiftly pulls her close, linking their arms so Helena can hopefully absorb some of her body heat. She feels her heart leap within her chest at the grateful smile Helena gives her in return.
"As it so happens, I've only played once and it was at a college party. It's how I met Kevin actually. He literally swept me off my feet when he was trying to catch a pass and ran into me, knocking us both to the ground. He offered to take me out for a drink after the game to make up for it and the rest is history," she sighs at the memory.
"How romantic," Helena grins at her.
"You're teasing me," Tracy laughs back.
"Not at all. Myka and I have a similar story in our history together," she says eyes alight, "so I know the feeling of being swept off one's feet, in the most literal sense, very well."
"It was an accident! The driveway was icy, it was not my fault," Myka retorts indignantly causing both Tracy and Helena to laugh.
"I know, Myka. Honestly, it's one of my favorite memories," she admits.
"Really?" Myka asks skeptically. "Why?"
"It was unexpected - you were so mortified to have pulled me down with you when you slipped and yet I thought you looked so beautiful laying there, underneath me," Helena says, clearing her throat against the sudden heat she feels with the admittance. "And then I couldn't help laughing and you joined in, and all was right with the world once more."
"Yeah, it was," Myka agrees softly.
"Ah, how romantic," Tracy smiles at them. "When did all that happen?"
"Last year at Mom and Dad's place after Thanksgiving dinner. You and Kevin had already left."
"That long?" Tracy frowns. "You've known each other over three years, it really took you this long to figure out you're meant to be together?"
"Well, you can't rush into these things," Helena replies weakly.
"Apparently. I shouldn't be so surprised, Myka has always been slow on the social uptake."
"Hey!"
"It's true and you know it. I still can't believe you waited years before making a move."
Myka keeps quiet. She still has yet to make her move.
The rest of Halloween passes pleasantly between board games, movies and the occasional walk outside despite Helena's protest of it being too cold. Tracy heats up the chicken tortilla soup for dinner which they eat with warm corn bread and afterward, just before their first trick-or-treaters arrive, Tracy surprises them both with a little something to wear.
"Since it's Halloween, I couldn't let you get through the night completely without a costume," she says handing them each a black witch's hat before donning her own.
"Are you sure you couldn't have?" Myka asks looking at her hat dubiously.
"Where's your sense of fun, Myka?" Tracy asks. "Besides, I added my own flare to them."
"I can see that," Myka responds, taking in the purple ribbon that surrounds the base of the black hat and the white jewels that glitter in the light.
Helena puts hers on right away. "I love it, thank you, Tracy," she says with a hug for the woman. "Now I can spend the rest of the night in fashion."
Myka has to admit Helena does look fetching in the bedazzled hat, it contrasting well with her dark hair. But then, she looks fetching no matter what she wears. Or doesn't wear, she thinks as her mind unhelpfully supplies an image of Helena in nothing more than a towel. She hastily shakes the image away.
"Come on, Myka, put yours on," Tracy directs.
"Perhaps she needs a little assistance," Helena says moving towards her and gently prying the hat from her hands and lifting it atop her head. "There. You look lovely, Myka," Helena says before placing a quick kiss against her cheek, pulling back to meet Myka's eyes widened in surprise.
Helena looks away, startled by her own actions given the strain between them. "Sorry," she murmurs and hurriedly steps away.
The trick or treaters start to wane a little after nine o'clock and so does Tracy. She can't hold back a large yawn and then laughs at herself. "I'm sorry, I'm not a very good hostess am I, to be falling asleep on you?"
"It's fine, Tracy. We know you're much more tired these days," Helena says.
"Why don't you go on to bed? We can clean everything up and lock up the house for you," Myka tells her.
Tracy looks relieved at the idea. "Are you sure you don't mind?"
"Heavens no," Helena readily agrees, already gathering empty dishes from the coffee table to take into the kitchen.
"Well, thank you both," Tracy says, beginning to climb the stairs for her bedroom. "Sleep tight and I'll see you both in the morning."
"Goodnight, Trace," Myka tells her before joining Helena in the kitchen where she is setting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher.
"I had fun tonight."
Myka glances up at the witch's hat Helena still wears and can't help but grin. "I can tell."
Helena chuckles as she removes the hat. "I quite like this. I may have to take to wearing it around the office on occasion."
"You should if you want to."
She shakes her head. "No, it would probably only add credence to how Artie already views me."
"He doesn't think that about you - and I don't know why you continue to pretend you don't like him when I know you do."
"Oh, I know," Helena shrugs. "Somehow we got off on the wrong footing and there's always been this slight animosity between us. I really do respect him though, much to my annoyance. The man knows what he's doing."
"He feels the same way about you, you know."
"He has a funny way of showing it."
"Some people just aren't comfortable with expressing their feelings. Artie is gruff with all of us, but he likes us too, otherwise we wouldn't all be working with him."
"Yes, well, he gave me the impression that he wouldn't mind seeing me deported, remember? If I hadn't married you, I'd be back in London by now and he'd be a far happier man without me to deal with."
"But I wouldn't be a happier woman," Myka says softly.
"Wouldn't you?" Helena asks equally softly, brown eyes staring intently into green ones.
When Myka remains silent, eyes still fixated on Helena's, trying to determine how to respond, Helena goes on nervously. "I mean, without me, you wouldn't be under investigation as we are - our future still so uncertain."
"Without you, I…" She wouldn't have the person she loves more than anyone else, she thinks. "I wouldn't have the person who knows me better than anyone else by my side," Myka says instead.
Helena smiles softly. "I feel the same. You know me better than anyone else too, Myka."
Except lately Myka hasn't felt that way. She has no idea how Helena feels about anything now that Giselle is back in the picture.
"Well, it's not too late. We could stay up to watch another movie if you want to?" Helena asks.
Myka wants to. She wants to sit beside Helena on the couch, perhaps cuddle against her the way they did most of the night under Tracy's observant eyes, but to what end? Helena is still going to meet with Giselle in two nights and Myka still doesn't know what will result from their meeting. She can't allow herself to get so close to Helena again only for her to pull away to be with Giselle. She can't risk her heart any further for fear it will shatter.
"Actually I'm kind of tired - I think I'll just finish cleaning up here and then turn in for the night."
"Oh, all right," Helena says disappointed. "Do you need any help?"
"No, I can manage."
"If you're sure - I'll just head upstairs to ready for bed then," Helena says leaving the kitchen.
Myka watches her go. She hates that Helena looked hurt by her rejection, but it's better this way in the long run.
It isn't much later that Myka finishes cleaning up the kitchen and turns off the lights in the living room, double checking the front door is locked before heading upstairs to ready for bed. She pauses however when she notices the only light emanating into the hallway is not coming from the guest room she and Helena currently share, but is instead coming from the nursery across the hall. She slowly approaches the room and peers inside to find Helena, already clad in her sleep wear, looking around the room. She moves to stand at the opened closet, reaching out to gently finger the tiny clothes hanging there, occasionally pulling one out for closer inspection, her lips parting into a soft smile.
Warmth courses through Myka seeing Helena this way. The longing expressed in each soft touch, in each gentle smile. She feels a weight in her heart, knowing this is something Helena may want for herself one day - wondering if she will be the one to share that with her. Her traitorous mind wonders if Helena and Giselle ever discussed having a family. Myka has always been hesitant about having children, maybe Giselle was fully committed to the idea and Myka's heart aches at the thought. Maybe it's just another chasm between she and Helena she doesn't know how to bridge.
What she does know, is that if Helena wants a child, as she so obviously does, Myka wants that for her.
She turns away from the nursery, stepping to the guest room, quickly gathering her sleep clothes to change into for bed, trying to push away any lingering thoughts from her mind of Helena having a child with Giselle. She escapes down the hall into the bathroom to change, taking a moment to lean against the door, breathing in and out.
When she returns to the guest room, Helena is already in bed, the light still on, waiting for her.
"You didn't have to wait up," Myka tells her as she puts away her clothes in her suitcase.
"I wanted to be sure you could find your way without bumping into anything in the dark."
"Thanks," she replies, slipping into the bed beside Helena, being careful not to touch her. "You can turn out the light now."
"Myka, can we talk for a moment?"
Myka's heart rate speeds up at the request, not sure what Helena wants to talk about. "I'm kind of tired," she begins to say, but seeing Helena's face fall, she quickly goes on, "Okay. What do you want to talk about?"
Helena twists the duvet in her hand. "I don't know. It's just been several nights since we have talked…like this. I just…I've missed it. I've missed you," she admits.
Myka glances at her, her heartbeat racing. She wants to tell her she's missed this too, talking in bed every night before falling asleep in each other's arms. She's missed it so much. But she can't admit it, not now. "Sorry, work has been really busy."
Helena sighs. "Yes, as you've said all week. But you will come home at the normal time on Monday night, right?"
"Monday night?"
"Dinner with Steve and Wolly, remember?"
Myka nearly groans. She had forgotten in the midst of her own worries all about the dinner they invited to host for the two men, hoping to ignite a relationship for them. "That's right. We'll have to stop at the grocery store on the way home tomorrow afternoon then to prepare for it."
Helena chuckles. "Finally, grocery shopping at a reasonable hour. Tomorrow we'll have a Sunday morning we can sleep in together and not have to rise early for your preferred grocery shopping hour."
"Just don't complain when the store is crowded tomorrow afternoon when we do go shopping," Myka huffs. "And I've told you before, you don't have to come with me if you don't want to."
"But I always want to," Helena says. "I enjoy our outings together. But I must admit, I would enjoy an occasional late-morning lie-in as well."
Myka has an image of the them lying in bed late into the morning as Helena described, watching the first rays of sun stream through the window as they exchange soft kisses and even softer touches. But it isn't going to happen because as she reminds herself for the hundredth time, they don't have that kind of relationship. She palms her neck before saying, "Yeah, well, tomorrow you'll get that opportunity to sleep in as long as you like."
"Myka, I didn't mean to…" Helena tries to speak, watching as Myka shuffles further under the covers and turns on her side away from her.
"I know what you meant, it's fine," Myka interrupts. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Myka," Helena sighs, turning out the light plunging them both into dark silence.
Myka awakes with a shiver. Slowly opening her eyes, she gives them a moment to adjust to the dark of the room, wondering for a moment why it seems so unfamiliar to her until she remembers she's not in her own bed in her apartment but at Tracy's house, sharing a smaller bed with Helena. She shivers again and muffles a groan. Sharing a bed may be an overstatement. Helena is as far away from Myka as she can be without falling off the edge and she's currently wrapped in most of the blankets, leaving only a sliver for Myka.
It's earlier than she'd prefer to get up, but she also doesn't want to attempt taking any covers back from Helena afraid she'd wake her and face the awkwardness that would surely develop. Rolling out of bed, Myka glances briefly at Helena to make sure she didn't awaken. She's relieved when Helena continues to sleep on. Shuffling to her suitcase, Myka pulls out a sweatshirt to slip over her sleep shirt and quietly leaves the bedroom to trek downstairs.
The sofa in the living room is tempting. There's a blanket folded over the back of it - she could easily lay down and catch some more sleep but there's the possibility she wouldn't wake before Tracy comes downstairs - and how would she explain to Tracy why she isn't sleeping beside her beautiful wife? That's definitely a conversation she doesn't want to have with her sister.
Instead she enters the kitchen, snapping on a light and immediately turns on the coffee maker. If she's going to be up this early, she may as well make it worth her while.
Tracy finds her sitting at the kitchen table an hour later, nursing a nearly full mug of coffee that has gone cold.
"Myka! What are you doing up so early on a Sunday morning?"
"I'm usually up by now."
"Okay, but you don't have to be today. I expected you to be snuggled in bed with Helena on this freezing morning. I know I'd still be in bed if Kevin were home."
When Myka doesn't respond right away Tracy continues. "Everything alright? Is the bed comfortable?"
"It's fine. Everything is fine. I just…woke up early."
"You're sure?" Tracy asks again, cradling the swell of her stomach.
Myka is tempted to tell her the truth - about Helena meeting with Giselle in a few days, the turmoil she feels about what will result from that meeting. That it's entirely possible, even probable that Helena still loves Giselle. But then Tracy would argue that Helena married her and then Myka would have to confess the other large truth. Helena only married her because she wanted to avoid deportation. They never dated - Helena isn't in love with her. And that truth, no matter that Myka has known it from the moment of Helena's proposal, that truth hurts most of all. Helena doesn't love her. Not in the way she wants to be loved by her.
And Tracy doesn't need to take on any of her burden, not when she's got a baby to think of arriving in the next few weeks.
"I'm sure. Everything is fine," Myka tells her, quickly blinking back any tears that threaten to form.
"Alright," Tracy says still not entirely convinced. "How about breakfast then? I can make pancakes, scramble some eggs, I have oatmeal…whatever you want," she says rubbing her back.
Myka stands and pulls out another chair from the table. "Better yet, why don't you sit and I'll make breakfast?"
Tracy looks at her surprised and then grins. "That would be wonderful, thank you," she says sitting down.
Myka smiles at her. "So, got a name picked out for the kid yet?" she asks, pulling open the door to the fridge to grab some eggs.
"Uh-huh. Kevin and I have agreed on a boy and a girl name, but don't bother asking what the names are, because that too will be a surprise," she grins wider.
Myka rolls her eyes but says affectionately, "Of course it will be."
Helena finds them in the kitchen not long after, surprised to notice Myka still clad in her sleep wear as she sets another plate of pancakes on the table. Myka doesn't usually remain in sleep wear longer than necessary, not even on Saturday mornings when they just laze around the apartment before starting their day. Helena wonders at the sight of them now, but also enjoys seeing this less formal side of Myka, clad in plaid pajama bottoms and bare feet.
"Helena! You're just in time," Tracy tells her, halfway through a stack of pancakes. "Myka made breakfast. She always did have a better knack with pancakes than I have. She never burns the first batch the way I so often do."
"Is that so? I've yet to try her pancakes, so this will be a treat," she says sitting beside Tracy, grateful when Myka places a steaming mug of tea in front of her.
"Thank you, darling."
"Did you sleep well?" Tracy asks her.
"Yes, quite well," Helena says.
"And the bed is comfortable, right? Not too small for both of you?"
"It was fine," Helena assures.
"Myka said so too, but it seems like she wouldn't have woken so early if it had been more comfortable."
"My waking had nothing to do with the bed, Trace," Myka says slightly annoyed. "I just woke up - sometimes being in unfamiliar surroundings will do that for me."
"Myka is an early riser anyway," Helena tries to explain as Myka sets a plate of pancakes before her.
"I know - I remember that from when we were kids," Tracy agrees. "I could easily sleep until noon if our parents had let me, but not Myka. She'd be up at the crack of dawn," she exaggerates. "I just thought with you as an incentive, Helena, she'd be inclined to stay in bed longer…to linger," Tracy winks.
Helena chokes on her pancake.
Myka groans. "Tracy."
"What?"
"We do have plenty of inclination, as you say," Helena says. "But there is such a thing as propriety too and since we are guests in your house…it wouldn't feel right to…linger in bed."
"We are still just talking about sleep, right?" Myka asks unsure.
Tracy and Helena both blink at her.
"That's what I thought," Myka sighs. Anyway, I made you breakfast," Myka points out. "Be glad I did wake up early and didn't linger so I could do that."
Tracy laughs. "You're right. I am grateful. These pancakes are delicious," she says taking another bite.
"Good. I'm going to shower and change - you two behave yourselves until I get back."
"We make no promises," Helena calls after her.
"Myka is so easy to fluster," Tracy smiles when she leaves. "You must have a lot of fun with that."
"One of my greatest joys is to bring a blush to her cheeks," Helena agrees.
They're sitting on the living room, watching another Halloween movie even though it's the day after when Kevin makes a surprise arrival in the late afternoon.
"Kevin! You're home early," Tracy squeals excitedly. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming home sooner?"
"And ruin the surprise?" he grins, leaning down to kiss her, before Tracy pulls him down beside her.
"I missed you."
"I missed you too and this little one," he says patting her stomach. Tracy pulls him closer to kiss him once more.
Myka can't help feeling a stab of jealousy at their easy affection for one another. This is what she wants with Helena, to always be so excited to reunite after any time apart. And to express that excitement, the love, so unabashedly.
"So how did things go here while I was gone? Did you ladies have a fun weekend?" he asks, Tracy still clinging to him like she's afraid he'll leave again.
"We did indeed," Helena says. "Movies, board games, delicious food, too much candy and trick or treaters galore."
"Sounds like my kind of weekend."
"We missed you though," Tracy tells him, nuzzling into his side.
Myka watches the exchange, feeling like she's intruding on something intimate. "Since you are back now, Kevin, I guess Helena and I better be going," she says rising from the couch.
"You don't have to do that," Tracy protests. "Stay and have dinner with us."
"That's okay. I think you two have some catching up to do and Helena and I really should be heading home."
"Indeed," Helena says, also rising. "It's been a wonderful weekend, but I am eager to return home - allowing you two to have some time to get reacquainted," she smirks.
Tracy laughs. "As if we need that excuse," she says kissing Kevin's cheek. "Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner at least?" she tries again.
Myka notices the way she still clings to Kevin, the longing in the touch and says, "No, we better go. We still have some grocery shopping to do and I want to make sure we don't get home too late since we have to get up early for work in the morning."
"Right. You two probably want time of your own to get reacquainted as Helena so eloquently phrased it," she winks. "You newlyweds."
Myka blushes as she hears Helena's responsive laugh and catches sight of her dark eyes.
"I can't argue with that," Helena says. "I'm very much looking forward to becoming…reacquainted with my wife," she husks, stepping closer to Myka's side, enough that she surprises Myka by slipping her arm through hers and giving it a gentle squeeze. The intimacy of such a simple gesture nearly takes Myka's breath away.
"You two are so sweet together," Tracy croons. "All right, well thank you both so much for coming," she says, pulling herself from Kevin's side just long enough to give each woman a firm hug. "We should get together like this more often, we're not that far away. Besides, once the baby arrives, you'll both be aunts and I want you to be around more to be an active part of your new little niece or nephew's life."
Helena smiles. "That we will certainly look forward to. You'll have to be sure to call us the moment you go into labor so we can come to the hospital to offer moral support."
"Even if it's the middle of the night?" Tracy grins.
"Even then," Myka agrees.
"You heard them Kevin. Make sure you call them as soon as it happens."
"I promise," he smiles. "It's not often I get free rein to call people up in the middle of the night. And thanks again for staying the weekend with Tracy, putting us both at ease."
"It was no problem," Myka tells him. "Probably the next time I see you," she turns to Tracy, "you'll be a mom. I still can't believe it."
Tracy laughs. "Me either."
Myka wraps her in another tight hug. "Take care of yourself and I'll see you soon."
"You better," Tracy says.
In her office Monday morning, Myka reflects back on the weekend spent at Tracy's. Despite the slight strain between she and Helena, it had been a pleasant weekend all in all. And even with the strain, she and Helena had thankfully managed to interact in a way that didn't alert Tracy that anything was off between them.
Unfortunately things hadn't improved much once they returned home. They went grocery shopping, hardly saying a word. And dinner was a silent affair, both of them seemingly lost in their own thoughts, unwilling to share those thoughts with the other. Afterward, Helena had retreated to take a bath and seeking her own escape, Myka had gone for a long run. When she returned to the apartment, Helena had been reading in bed, so she had showered before dressing for bed and slipped in beside her to take up her own book - all the while longing to take Helena into her arms and kiss some sense into her. To make her realize it was futile to meet with Giselle when a woman who loved her already shared her home, her bed, and was willing to share her heart if Helena only so desired it.
She didn't do that of course, too afraid of Helena's reaction. Too afraid that her worst fear that has played over again on a loop in her mind over the last several days will come to bear. That she would have to hear Helena's gentle rejection and see pity in her dark eyes.
After all, how can she possibly compare to Giselle Fraser? A woman who is not only gorgeous but also incredibly talented and well-admired. It's just foolish to believe Helena would ever prefer her to Giselle. She and Helena are friends. That is enough. That has to be enough.
"Myka, hey," Steve says from her office doorway, thankfully interrupting her spiraling thoughts. "Could I talk with you a minute?"
"Sure, Steve," Myka says watching him step into the office to approach her desk.
"I just wondered if I should bring anything for dinner tonight? Maybe some wine…or dessert?" he asks and Myka can't help but grin at the at the obvious nerves on display. "I don't even know if he likes dessert - maybe a cheese and fruit tray instead?"
"Steve, take a breath," Myka smiles kindly at him, watching him follow her orders before he lets out a laugh.
"Guess you can tell I'm nervous about tonight, huh?"
"Just a little."
"It's just…it's been a long time since I was with someone. And I've never been set up on a blind date before."
"It's alright - I understand. I'd be nervous too in your position. But Steve, Wolly is great. A true gentleman. And it's one night sharing dinner with friends - nothing more. If you want more - that's up for the two of you to decide. No pressure. If there's no spark, you can just call it an evening and move on."
"Yeah. True. It doesn't have to be a big deal - it's just dinner with friends."
"Right."
"Is it wrong that I kind of want it to be a big deal? I mean, that I want it to work out - that Wolly will be the one for me?" he asks shyly.
Myka smiles gently at him. "It's not wrong to want that at all, Steve. And I hope it works out the way you want it to. But if it doesn't, you'll still have us - Helena and I."
"I want what you have," he admits. "The way you two look at each other sometimes, Myka, it's…it's beautiful."
Myka looks away embarrassed. If only she could believe that. The truth is, over the last several days, she and Helena have hardly looked at each other at all. At least Myka has hardly looked at Helena. It's too hard, knowing she could soon lose her to someone else.
"Well, I'm sure it will happen for you, Steve. Whether with Wolly or someone else…"
"Yeah, I hope so," he says. "So, I'll see you tonight then."
"See you, tonight, Steve," Myka agrees.
Cell phone vibrating on the desk next to her keyboard, Helena pauses a moment to look at the screen to see who is calling. Charles. She knows she should answer but she also knows what he's going to ask. Has there been any progress with Myka? And although things are fine with Myka as they are, if a little strained at the moment, their relationship still hasn't crossed the line from friends and roommates to lovers as Helena would like. And that change is also what Charles expects and will undoubtedly be needling her about. So she doesn't answer her phone, instead letting him say what he will in a message. And she knows he will.
A few minutes pass, Helena vigorously typing away until the curiosity becomes too much to bear. Unlocking her phone she sees she has a voice message. With a deep breath, she presses the button to listen to what Charles has to say.
"Helena, I can tell you're avoiding me. Five missed calls this week! Alright. I guess you haven't made any move towards telling Myka how you truly feel about her and you're a coward." Helena gasps at that. "That's right, coward and a fool, for not telling her how you feel, for not giving things between you a fair chance. If I were in your place, well, there would be no dawdling. Myka is too good to let go." He sighs into the phone then and speaks softer. "But I've no right to criticize you. You've met the one person you love and want most in the world. I can only imagine what it must feel like, the fear you're facing that you could lose that. Lose her. I won't berate you any longer. And you needn't be afraid to talk to me. You know you'll always have all my love and support, even whilst being foolish. Goodbye, darling. Call soon."
It only takes Helena a moment to rub at her eyes before she's dialing him back.
"Hello, Helena," he greets softly.
"Oh, Charles…" she sobs.
"Now, now, it can't be as bad as all that, can it?" he soothes.
"I'm afraid I've lost her for good."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because Giselle called me, wanting to meet and I agreed. Myka has hardly said a word to me all week."
"She doesn't want you to go."
"I don't think so."
"But you do want to meet Giselle?"
"It's not about want, Charles. I think I need to meet with her. I owe her that much."
"Helena, you need to tell Myka once and for all how you feel about her. I've the feeling if you told her before all this, your rift with her now could have been avoided completely."
"I can't tell her now - not when she despises me."
Charles laughs at that. "Always so dramatic. We both know she doesn't despise you in the least. Marrying you is proof enough of that."
"But she's pulling away from me. It felt like we were just on the brink of something more and now, with Giselle contacting me as she has, Myka has practically stopped talking to me. She works late every night, I don't see her except at work and even here, she hardly looks at me."
"Yes, sounds like love to me."
"Charles, be serious. I'm pouring my heart out to you and you're making quips?"
"It's Myka you should be pouring your heart out to. You need to tell her how you feel. And I am being serious, Helena. If Myka is so hurt, it seems to me that it's quite obvious she loves you precisely because she is hurt. She's worried about your relationship with Giselle."
"I've told her there's nothing more between Giselle and I."
"That may be, but there is a history between you and Giselle - you did once care for the woman, even if you weren't in love her. And one more thing - and I can't stress this enough - you still haven't told Myka you are in love with her! What else is she supposed to think about you meeting up with an ex-girlfriend?"
Helena sighs, pulling a hand through her dark hair in frustration. "I just feel like I've messed everything up."
"So fix it," Charles advises. "Fix it so that we can all live in peace - yours truly included."
"Charles…"
"No more excuses. Just tell her."
Helena knows Charles is right. She needs to tell Myka how she feels, once and for all, but she can't very well do that now while they're at work, and tonight doesn't look very promising either with the dinner planned for Steve and Wolly. A small voice within says she's just making more excuses and if she were brave enough she'd just march into Myka's office now, close the door and tell her.
Helena sighs. She's not that brave. Not today. Not tonight. But soon. It has to be soon. Her happiness, and perhaps Myka's too, depends on it.
What sounded like a reasonable dinner date and night in with friends is turning out to be problematic and inconvenient. Myka is in no mood to act as hostess and loving wife for the sake of keeping up appearances for Steve and Wolly. She's barely spoken to Helena these last few days and she knows it's her fault. She just can't shake the fact that Helena is going to meet with Giselle in two nights and she's making herself almost sick with worry of what exactly will transpire during that meeting. That it will be the end of this…something developing between she and Helena. The potential for something more than friendship alone.
But tonight she doesn't have time to dwell on what could be or what will be. She must play the loving wife, which she is, or at least she wants to be, if Helena wants that too. But she must be a good hostess, which she's not sure she's accomplishing at the moment as she tries to prepare dinner.
She's nervous. She's nervous for Steve and for Wolly, hoping that they hit it off, at least as friends if nothing more. And she's nervous that she'll say or do - or more likely, not say or do what she should as a doting wife. She and Helena managed to convince Tracy that everything was normal between them over the weekend, hopefully they can accomplish the same tonight.
She's probably overthinking this anyway. Both Steve and Wolly's attention will likely be on the other if there is a mutual attraction there. She and Helena will hopefully fade into the background.
Myka is just about to give the sauce for the pasta another stirring at the stove, but just as she steps towards the stove, Helena does the same to check on the bread heating in the oven. They gently collide, Helena bracing them with her hands at Myka's hips to keep them both steady on their feet.
"Sorry," she says before quickly dropping her hands away, but not before Myka feels the heat of her touch through the light blue pencil skirt she donned for the evening.
"It's fine," she says, hoping her voice doesn't betray the sudden breathlessness she feels at Helena's touch and berates herself for the response.
She steps aside so Helena can access the oven door to pull out the bread and set it on the counter before she returns to the stove to check on the sauce.
"You look lovely tonight, Myka," Helena says a moment later when Myka turns away from the stove to find Helena staring intently at her.
Myka blushes under the compliment and the gaze. She had pulled the skirt out of her closet tonight hoping Helena would remember the circumstances for the last time she had worn it. She can't even say why she felt compelled to do so. Maybe as a last attempt to remind herself and Helena that there is still an unresolved attraction between them, despite the recent separation she has inflicted between them because of the looming meeting with Giselle in a couple days.
She tries to shrug the compliment off. "I just felt like dressing up since it's sort of a date tonight - I mean at least for Steve and Wolly it is - or could be anyway," she stammers.
"I haven't seen you wear that skirt and blouse since the day we were married," Helena says softly.
Myka can't help the small smile that overtakes her lips knowing that Helena does remember. "No, I…there didn't seem any reason to wear it again before…and since this is sort of a date…"
Helena steps closer and Myka can smell the scent of her perfume, sweet and so intoxicating it overtakes her senses. Tentatively Helena reaches out to touch her arm, speaking her name softly, "Myka, I…"
And though Myka is sure Helena meant to say something more, she gets no further as they are interrupted by a knock at their door. Helena drops her hand away and clears her throat. "That will no doubt be Wolly - he's always early," she says leaving the kitchen to let him inside the apartment.
Myka releases the breath she had been holding, disappointment flooding her senses. What was Helena going to say? Why are they always on the brink of something only to be interrupted?
"I'm sorry to be so early," she can hear Wolly explaining, "but I do hate to be late - makes an unfavorable impression to my mind."
"It's fine," Helena tells him. "Steve has a tendency to be early too so I wouldn't be surprised if he'll be along in another moment."
"Truly? Well, that's something we already have in common then," he says sounding delighted.
Helena laughs. "May I take those from you so you can remove your coat?"
Wolly looks at the items he's still holding in his hands. "Ah yes. The flowers are for you both for being such gracious hostesses and setting up this dinner," he says handing Helena a bouquet of brightly colored flowers. "And a fruit and cheese tray, because I wanted to contribute something towards our meal tonight and I wasn't sure if Steve is a dessert person or not."
"Well even if he's not - you know very well how I feel on the matter of dessert," Helena pouts as she pulls a vase from the cupboard to begin filling with water.
Myka laughs as she takes the tray from him. "Thank you, Wolly. I think you and Steve are going to get along fine."
"Do you think so?" he asks hopefully.
"Yeah, I do. Go ahead and remove your coat and make yourself comfortable. Dinner will be ready soon."
"Thank you, Myka," he says doing just that. "You have a lovely apartment, by the way. I've never seen so many books in a private home before," he admires.
"Myka and I are avid readers," Helena affirms. "You're welcome to borrow any if something appeals to you."
"I may have to do that," he says purveying the shelves until a knock sounds at the door.
"That will be Steve," Helena says opening the door to welcome him.
"Hi, Helena," he says stepping inside, also laden with an item in each hand.
"Goodness, more flowers," Helena says. "Perhaps we should entertain more often if this is the result."
"They're beautiful," Myka agrees joining them all in the living room to properly greet Steve.
"Hi Myka," Steve smiles, handing her the bouquet. "I brought a fruit and cheese tray too - I thought it might be nice for dessert. Not everyone is a dessert person - and I didn't know…" he tapers off glancing at Wolly as he hands Helena the tray.
Myka grins. "Yep, I think you two are going to get along great. Steve this is Wolly," she formally introduces the two men who shake hands.
"It seems we are like-minded," Wolly tells him with a smile. "I brought the same thing."
"Two cheese and fruit trays," Helena mutters good-naturally with a shake of her head. "Why are you people set against a good, honest, loaded with sugar dessert?"
"Sorry, Helena," Steve smiles shyly, still glancing at Wolly. "But Myka isn't as fond of sweets the way you are, so I thought this would be a good compromise."
"Thank you, Steve," Myka tells him.
"She just says she doesn't eat sugar," Helena protests. "But my wife is not so immune to the pleasure of dessert as she would have you believe, isn't that right, Myka?"
"It's true," Myka concedes. "I've never eaten so many sweet foods and desserts as I have since you and I have been married. And if a fruit and cheese tray doesn't satisfy your own craving for something sweet, you know there's always ice cream in the freezer for you," Myka tells her.
"Thank goodness for that," Helena says placing a swift kiss against Myka's cheek before putting the extra tray away in the refrigerator.
Myka brushes fingertips along her cheek where she can still feel Helena's kiss, caught off guard by the simple gesture. She lets out a breath. "But first, dinner."
Dinner with Steve and Wolly turns into a fun evening. For a time, all of the worry Myka has been carrying with her over the last week seems to disappear. The four of them sit around the dinner table talking, long after dinner is finished and dishes put away. Steve and Wolly seem to hit it off right away, so similar in nature and interests as it turns out.
Eventually Helena brings out a board game to play, and they immerse themselves in the play of the game. At least Myka and Helena do. The two men seem only to have interest in each other and quickly fall behind as they prefer to devote their attention to learning about each other rather than the strategy of the game.
Myka and Helena share knowing looks between them at the obvious attraction between the men, each happy that Steve and Wolly seem to be so happy. When the game ends, Myka coming out victorious much to Helena's exaggerated dismay, they all settle around again for dessert.
The two fruit and cheese trays are set on the table and with a feign glare at them, Helena offers ice cream in addition to which everyone readily accepts.
When Steve and Wolly eventually leave for the night - together, Helena remarks, "Looks as if we made a match with those two."
"It does," Myka agrees as she clears the table of the dessert dishes and begins to rinse them at the sink before loading them into the dishwasher. "They both seemed really happy throughout the night."
"It was a good idea to think of Steve as a match for Wolly. It's a wonder neither of us thought of it sooner."
"Yeah, well, sometimes the things that seem like they would be obvious, like two people made for each other, isn't obvious at all except in hindsight."
Myka realizes a moment too late she could just as well be talking about she and Helena in that regard – at least how she views Helena as the only woman for her and didn't realize that until the moment of their first kiss at their wedding. She doesn't know how Helena feels in the matter. And Helena doesn't say. Instead she appears to be lost in her own thoughts and Myka doesn't dare intrude, wondering if her thoughts have anything to do with Giselle and the possible conclusion Helena is reaching in regard to her relationship with the other woman. Realizing perhaps that Giselle is the one she wants after all.
"You've been working late often lately - everything okay?"
Myka spins her chair around to face the source of the question to see Leena frowning at her. She attempts to straighten in her chair, called back to reality from the hypothetical situations regarding Helena's upcoming meeting with Giselle that have been playing on a loop in her mind since last week when the woman called. And now that the time is nearly upon them, Myka finds it's all she can think and worry about.
"Yeah, it's fine. Just want to catch up on a few things here and there."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, I've got it handled."
Leena looks at her closely, too closely. Myka hopes the bags under her eyes aren't too prominent for notice. She hasn't had a good night's sleep in almost a week, worried about Helena's meeting with Giselle. Worried about what may become of them.
"Why are you here so late?" she tries to deflect.
"I was finishing an assignment for Mrs. Frederic she wants by tomorrow morning. Now, what about you? You've had your meeting with Ms. St. Clair today, so that can't be the reason any longer.
Myka shakes her head. "It's nothing, just finishing up some things."
Leena silently regards her. "Everything okay between you and Helena?"
Myka looks up sharply, feeling the breath knocked from her lungs. "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't it be?"
"Because you're here at the office rather than at home with your wife. And because I've got eyes and you've both been awfully quiet around each over the last few days. And aside from last night, you've been staying late at the office most nights for the last week."
Myka looks away at the truth of Leena's words.
"Myka?" she questions softly.
Myka clears her throat but doesn't meet Leena's eyes. "I've just had a lot on my mind with work - I've had things to finish up," she repeats.
"Myka, you're a hard worker - a harder, more efficient worker than anyone else here. You don't need to spend long hours in the office to 'finish up some things' and yet for some reason over this past week, you've been doing exactly that. So is everything okay? I know something is bothering you. Do you want to go somewhere to talk about it?"
Myka does meet Leena's eyes now, sees the concern written there and it's nearly her undoing. But she can't talk about what's bothering her without confessing the truth. She can't get Leena involved in this lie she and Helena are perpetuating. Especially when Myka is so uncertain what the truth is anymore. She thought Helena was starting to care for her as more than a friend. She thought they were on the path to something more and now - she's not sure of anything.
"There's really nothing to talk about," she says instead. "Helena has her kempo class tonight so it just seemed like a good opportunity to get some extra work done, that's all."
The look Leena gives suggests that she doesn't quite believe her, but Leena drops the subject, never one to force an uncomfortable topic or situation.
"All right. Well, please don't work too much longer. You should go home and spend the rest of the evening with Helena," she encourages. "Whatever is going on between you two right now - whatever little lover's spat you've had isn't worth the unhappiness I know you're both feeling."
Myka wants to laugh. If only they were lovers. Her apparent inability to speak her heart to Helena and confess that she wants to be lovers is part of the problem.
"You just need to talk to each other, the way you always do."
Myka nods. "Yeah, we'll figure things out. We just need to talk." She watches Leena leave and contemplates that simple suggestion. The fact is, she hasn't talked to Helena hardly at all, not anything of significance anyway, since Giselle called and certainly hasn't talked to her about her true feelings regarding the matter. Maybe that is the issue. Maybe she needs to be honest about how she feels. A week ago she was on the verge of telling Helena she is in love with her. And Helena has said all along that there is nothing between she and Giselle any longer. Maybe it's time to truly believe that rather than wallowing in self-doubt.
She feels her heart rate begin to speed up with the thought of being completely honest and telling Helena she loves her. She glances at her watch - it's too late to go to Helena's kempo class, but it's not too late yet for dinner. She hasn't eaten yet and she knows Helena prefers to eat dinner after her class - she could go home now and offer to take Helena to dinner. It could be another date night. And then when they return home, cuddled on the sofa together, some semblance of normal returning to their domestic life, she can just tell her the truth. Tell Helena that she is in love with her.
Her heart rate excels with anticipation and with renewed confidence, she quickly packs up for the evening to go home to Helena.
The apartment is dark when Helena comes home from her kempo class. Myka must still be at the office - avoiding her again. She had briefly hoped that Myka would come home at a normal time tonight since Helena did have her class and then when she came home, they would be able to spend the evening together the way they're used to doing - or were used to doing until recently.
She feels restless without Myka here. Probably a result of the adrenaline still coursing through her body after a good class. Maybe the looks of fondness and attraction that passed between Wolly and Steve tonight - for Steve had come to watch Wolly - the anticipation of a new love in its beginning stage between the two men is something that adds to Helena's feeling of restlessness tonight. She noticed the adoring looks shared between the two men and she longed for Myka to be there, sitting alongside Steve, watching with her own adoration in green eyes. She wanted Myka to be there sitting alongside Steve, wordlessly cheering her on, so badly.
So distracted was she, Wolly was able to make a couple maneuvers that resulted with her laying on her back on the mat. When he jovially accused her of letting him better her, she stoutly denied it, citing he had much improved. He had been quite pleased with himself, especially considering Steve had been there looking on.
She rubs at her back now, still feeling a bit sore. Perhaps it's just as well Myka hadn't been there. She would undoubtedly berate Helena for not being more careful, her green eyes full of worry and concern. Though secretly, Helena feels a thrill that she has someone in her life who cares for her enough to exhibit that worry and concern, but just now, she's grateful all she feels is soreness and not the acute pain she felt weeks ago when she injured it.
She isn't hungry enough to make herself dinner and too early to settle for bed, she doesn't want to run a bath just yet. What she wants more than anything is to have Myka here with her now. She's so tired of coming home to an empty apartment night after night. She had hoped that after their little gathering last night with Steve and Wolly that Myka would stop avoiding her and their easy camaraderie would return.
It seems that is not the case for tonight however, and Helena sighs with the acknowledgement. She knows Myka is uneasy about her meeting with Giselle tomorrow. But Helena needs to speak with Giselle and settle things in the way they didn't before. And in doing that, she can only hope that Myka will realize there truly is nothing between she and Giselle any longer and that Myka will allow their friendship to resume as it was before this mess.
Still feeling restless with her thoughts now turned to her meeting with Giselle tomorrow night, Helena pulls open the hall closet and rummages the top shelf for the box containing Giselle's things. She hasn't touched the box since she set it there weeks ago, but she wants to make sure it's still there, just as she left it. Pulling it from the shelf, she sets it down on the floor, dropping to her knees to remove the lid and peer inside.
Scarf, coffee mug, photos…ah yes, the worn paperback. Helena picks up the book, fingertips caressing the cover. It looks much the same as it did before she placed it carefully away in the box. One corner is dog-eared, the pages beginning to yellow with age and pencil marks litter the pages. She'd once asked Giselle why she was so fond of this book. Helena had read it years ago. It had been a quick, enjoyable read for her, but nothing to make a lasting impression. She was curious why Giselle did appear to love it so much that she carried a beat-up copy with her on most of her travels.
"What is it about this book that you love so much?" Helena had asked one night after dinner, both settled on the couch in Giselle's living room with a glass of wine at their fingertips. She reached over to pluck the book from the side table. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I admit it has its endearing moments, but what is the appeal exactly?"
Giselle set her wine down on the coffee table before scooting closer to Helena's side. She took the book from her hands and began leafing through its pages. "Oh, I know it's no H.G. Wells," she said with a sidelong glance at Helena, smirking at the huff of false indignation Helena emitted. "My love for this story is purely sentimental."
"How so?" Helena asked interested.
"My dad used to read it to my brother and I when we were kids. It's always been one of his favorite books."
Helena couldn't help but be reminded of Myka telling her a similar story about her father reading her the works of H.G. Wells as a child.
"He used to use a funny voice when he would talk about Ford Prefect and it was a running joke in our family anytime anyone had a question, 'the answer to your question is forty-two'," she laughed.
Helena laughed with her.
"But it was also more of a guide too. And whenever I had something on my mind that I was worrying over or I was uncertain about anything, like going off to college or taking one job over another, starting a new relationship," she bumped Helena's shoulder for emphasis, "I'd discuss the issue with my dad and he'd always tell me, the answer to your question is forty-two. In other words, life is what you make of it."
"Indeed it is," Helena nodded thoughtfully. "And your father…is he…"
Giselle smiled. "He's alive and well and driving my mom crazy most days now that they're both retired. They live in Palm Desert on a golf course where he plays from sunrise to sunset. I miss seeing them both but we all meet up at least twice a year to visit."
"Glad to hear it. And your brother?"
"He's well too. He lives in Chicago with his wife and kids - looking forward to the day he can read them the same story. And I look forward to the day when I can read it to mine," she said smiling.
Helena is so absorbed in her thoughts of Giselle, the book still in her hands where she sits on the floor that she doesn't hear anyone enter the apartment until she hears, "Helena?" and Myka standing before her.
"Myka!" Helena says dropping the book like a hot coal into the box and scrambling up from the floor, wincing from moving too fast, her sore back protesting the movement.
"What's wrong - did you hurt yourself?" Myka asks noticing the wince.
"Not too terribly," Helena is quick to assure. "Wolly had some luck tonight during kempo class."
"You're sure?"
"Yes. And you're home," she says needlessly.
"Yeah, I…I thought…" Myka tapers off at the scene before her, watching the way Helena hurries to place the lid on the box and store it back on the shelf in the closet, closing the door firmly behind her before turning her attention back to Myka as though she could somehow hide it away again.
"I was just making sure everything was in order," Helena explains with a flush to her cheeks. "I'm sorry, what were you saying? You thought what?"
Myka has worked late every night since Giselle called Helena, unwilling to be alone with her in their apartment with this meeting between Helena and Giselle looming over them. There was a part of her that deeply regretted her decision to stay late every night, especially when Helena came by her office each night before leaving to ask when she planned to be home and Myka only vaguely answered her. Late. Later. Lots to do, don't hold dinner. She regretted her decision every evening for the hurt in Helena's dark eyes and the way she threw her shoulders back in an effort not to show that hurt.
"Right," Helena would say. "Please don't stay too late."
Myka would watch her go, feeling her stomach drop at the sight of everything she ever wanted walking out the door night after night, wanting to call her back, but remembering that partially torn photograph of Giselle in Helena's desk drawer, her resolve held and she let Helena go each night.
It wasn't much better when Myka finally did come home at night to Helena already asleep or else in the bath. Anguished? Brooding? Thinking of Giselle? Contemplating no doubt and Myka had only felt worse for not speaking her mind, her heart. To just ask Helena not to go. But she knew that it wouldn't do either of them any good to ask that of her.
Helena needs to find out what her feelings are for Giselle, and Myka needs that too.
So tonight, Myka had thought to take Helena to dinner. Perhaps put aside the fear, doubt and worry she's agonized over the last several days and instead concentrate on Helena, on them. But now…now that thought is dashed. "Nothing," she says. "I wasn't thinking of anything,"
"Well I'm glad you're home. I have to tell you, things seem to be progressing well for Wolly and Steve," Helena tells her, keeping her tone light.
"Oh?"
"Yes. Steve was at our kempo class tonight. He was sorry not to see you there. As was I," Helena says softly. "Not that I expect you to attend every - or any classes," she's quick to say.
"I'm sorry. Work has been busy lately, as you know."
"Yes, but you had your meeting with Rebecca today. I thought that was what kept you away most nights," she says quietly.
"It was…but there are always more things to do. It never ends."
"Myka…" Helena tries.
"I'm going to change clothes and then go for a run," Myka interrupts.
"It's dark and raining outside," Helena protests.
"I have reflective gear to wear. I'll be fine."
"Myka, wait," Helena calls after her but Myka doesn't remain in the room to listen. Instead she dashes into her bedroom, closing the door after her and leaning against it, trying to hold her tears at bay. Helena had been so absorbed in the contents of that dreaded box - no doubt her thoughts were of Giselle. Of their meeting tomorrow night and what might result from it.
Myka can't stand that thought and needs to escape. From this apartment, from Helena, from her feelings for Helena.
She angrily brushes away the traitorous tears and quickly changes into running gear. She rushes from the apartment, not bothering to answer Helena's pleas that she not go out - that she stay so they can talk.
But she doesn't go running after all. She dresses for it, reflective gear and all but her mind is too distracted for running in such a dark and rainy night. She doesn't want to be careless and thinking of Helena - of Helena meeting with Giselle tomorrow night, of how their meeting could change things between she and Helena, those thoughts are enough to distract Myka into carelessness and she doesn't want to risk any injury for it.
Instead she tucks herself away into a coffee shop and after a moment's hesitation, makes a phone call.
Leena sits down at her table not much later, grasping her arm across that table and offering it a comforting squeeze. "Are you ready to tell me what's been troubling you for the last several days?" she asks gently.
Myka looks up to meet her sympathetic eyes and sighs. "Helena is meeting with an ex-girlfriend tomorrow night."
"Oh," Leena says surprised. "I didn't realize Helena had an ex-girlfriend. A recent one, I take it?"
Myka nods. "She dated Giselle just before she and I mar…got together."
"Did you know about her before?"
"Yeah."
"It's curious that Helena didn't mention her to the rest of us, don't you think?"
"She said she wanted to keep Giselle to herself for a while before introducing her to everyone but then they broke up before that happened."
"And you're worried Helena still has feelings for her?" Leena guesses.
Myka nods. "She's beautiful, Leena. And confident, and accomplished, and…and…"
"All the things you are yourself," Leena smiles. "Besides, it's obvious Helena loves you. She married you after all."
"She only married me to avoid deportation. She doesn't love me."
Leena grasps her hand, squeezing it firmly. "Oh Myka. Yes, she does."
She says it with such conviction that Myka nearly believes her. She desperately wants to believe her.
"Your marriage was convenient to avoid deportation, sure, but that isn't the only reason for it. Was it the only reason you married Helena?"
Myka thinks about that morning she learned Helena could be deported, the absolute panic she felt at the thought of Helena not being in Denver any longer where she would see her nearly every day at work and spend time with her outside of work. And then at their marriage ceremony, when Helena kissed her for the first time, the realization that she had been so panicked was because she was in love with her.
"No. I married Helena because I loved her. I love her."
Leena smiles. "Exactly. I don't think Helena - or you for that matter - are the type of people to do anything so drastic, like getting married to avoid deportation, on a whim - to potentially break a law and risk the consequences thereof. Never mind that Helena could have returned to London and worked from there, all the while working towards getting her visa renewed in order to come back. You were both faced with what you determined to be an unbearable separation from each other. So, not willing to risk separation, you got married because you love each other."
Seeing Myka about to argue, Leena goes on. "And if you're still concerned that she only married you because you were convenient, let me point out that Helena didn't ask this Giselle woman to marry her. Nor did she ask Pete, or Steve, or Claudia or even me. She asked you, Myka."
"Helena said that we made sense together," Myka says softly, still remembering that fateful morning in her office.
Leena nods. "You do make sense together. You two have loved each other for years, whether you realized it or not."
Myka silently wipes away fallen tears.
"Is this why you've been so upset this last week?"
Myka nods. "When I came home tonight, I was going to take your suggestion and ask Helena to go out to dinner, but I found her looking through a box of items that belong to Giselle, and I just…couldn't handle it, I guess."
"Oh, Myka. I can see how that would be upsetting. But this box of items, what does Helena plan to do with it?"
"She's going to return it to Giselle when she meets with her tomorrow."
"See, that's not so bad. She was probably just making sure she had everything in order."
"That's what she said," Myka agrees.
Leena smiles. "Then you have nothing to worry about. The situation isn't ideal - I get that - especially with you two so newly married - and obviously still trying to figure things out. You're still getting a feel for each other in this new relationship you've created, but you and Helena love each other - that's all that matters. You'll weather through this and come out stronger because of it. I've never seen two people more in love than you. This will work out, you'll see," Leena tells her with all the conviction in the world.
Myka desperately wishes she shared that conviction.
It's Wednesday morning - they very day Myka has been dreading for the last week. Yet in spite of that dread, she can't call the day completely dreadful when Helena happens to be wearing her favorite clothing combination. A pin-striped vest over a blue-collared shirt (sleeves rolled past her elbows) and matching slacks that hug her hips in a most becoming fashion.
Really it's all Myka can do to restrain herself from grabbing Helena by the lapels of her vest, pull her into her office, close the door, push her up against the desk and kiss her senseless, hopefully giving her a reason why she shouldn't rekindle her romance with Giselle tonight and perhaps focus instead on their own blossoming relationship. Or what was blossoming until Giselle's timely phone call that is.
But she won't follow through on that of course. It's a well-loved fantasy she's had since she married Helena, but it is only a fantasy. She and Helena don't have that kind of relationship. And the logical voice inside her head reminds her the reason they don't have that kind of relationship is partly because she can't seem to find the words to tell Helena she loves her and find out properly if Helena returns that love.
And despite seeing Helena wearing the ensemble many times, Myka remembers one particular occasion when she wore it. The first and only time she happened to meet Giselle. And given the way Giselle looked at Helena that evening, there's no doubt in Myka's mind she appreciates the attire as well. Then again, maybe it was just Helena's looks in general she appreciated. Helena is after all the most stunningly gorgeous woman Myka has ever known.
Regardless, now Myka is left to wonder if it's just happenstance Helena chose this outfit to wear today when she's planning to meet with Giselle tonight or did she plan it, knowing Giselle appreciates the look?
It doesn't matter. Not really. Whatever Helena happens to wear will have no bearing on what becomes of her talk with Giselle tonight.
At lunch, Helena steps into Myka's office and closes the door. "There's been a slight change of plans regarding this evening," Helena begins carefully.
"Regarding what exactly?"
"I know I told you I was going to meet Giselle at a coffee shop, but she's just asked if we can meet at her apartment instead."
"Oh," Myka says taken aback. "Well, I guess that makes more sense. After all, you have her belongings, it might be a little awkward giving those back to her in public."
"Yes, exactly. And our conversation will be personal in nature, also a reason to meet somewhere a little more private. But I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this."
"Why should I? It's not like I own you, Helena. You're free to do what you want, with whom you want," Myka says swallowing down the last bit of that sentence.
"You're sure you're alright with this?"
"Yeah. It's not like we're in a relationship anyway. We're just friends who happen to be married at the moment. I have no expectations."
"Right. We're friends as you say - not in a relationship," Helena repeats. "At any rate, I don't expect our meeting to take too long. I hope to be home no later than seven-thirty."
Myka nods.
"Would you like to grab a bite to eat together for lunch now?" Helena asks.
"I don't think so. I'm just going to work through this latest edit and have lunch later," Myka tells her.
"Very well," Helena sighs resigned before leaving her alone.
Once again, Myka silently berates herself for her own stubbornness and pride - or what she has left of her pride. It's just lunch - eating food with someone she cares for, in this case someone she loves, the same way she's done so many times before. But she also reminds herself it's better to keep a distance between she and Helena now if Helena is going to reestablish her relationship with Giselle. And despite Leena's assurance that Helena is in love with her and not Giselle, Myka still doesn't know that to be true since Helena has never said any word on the subject. She does know that Helena once cared for Giselle, that their romance ended abruptly and it wasn't Helena that ended it, and Helena will be reuniting with Giselle for the first time since their separation in a matter of hours. In the privacy of her apartment.
So distraught with the worry over it all, Myka forgets to have lunch entirely.
The day seems to drag on, despite numerous phone calls, emails, and meetings. Myka has never glanced at her watch so often, expecting the inevitable to arrive but still hoping to avoid it.
And despite watching the clock for hours, she's still startled when the time officially arrives.
"I'm leaving now, Myka," Helena says at her office door, the sound of her voice causing Myka to look up from her work.
"Oh, okay," Myka replies, feeling her stomach churn unpleasantly. "I hope everything goes well," she tries to smile.
Helena nods. "Me too. It's going to be awkward, I'm sure, but also necessary, for both of us."
Necessary? Myka can only ponder at that meaning and remains silent as she watches Helena draw a hand through her dark strands, obviously thinking of her next words. When they finally come, Myka is slightly disappointed.
"I should be home no later than seven-thirty," she repeats the same information she mentioned earlier.
And that's that. "Okay."
Helena turns to leave but stops when Myka suddenly says, "I'll make dinner tonight for us."
Helena looks surprised by the gesture. "You don't have to do that…if you have work you need to do," she says pointedly.
"I want to. We can eat together, the way we always do - did…before," she says. "And talk."
"I'd like that very much," Helena smiles.
It's been days since Myka has seen such a wide, genuine smile on Helena's face and the sight of it takes her breath away. She feels herself smiling in return and maybe even a little hope returning because of it.
"I'll see you soon, darling."
Myka's stomach flutters at the endearment even as she watches Helena disappear.
In spite of herself, Helena can't help feeling a flutter of nerves course through her veins standing in front of Giselle's apartment door. It's been months since she's seen the woman and in one very important way, Helena knows herself a little better now. Who she loves. No more denial on that. Giselle was the first person to make her confront the truth she had hidden so well or at least thought she had hidden so well.
She takes a steadying breath, adjusting the small box into one arm as she raises the other to knock but catches sight of her wedding ring and panics. Should she remove it? For a fleeting moment she considers it but quickly decides against the idea. It's a part of her, a symbol of her commitment to Myka and Myka's to her, however complicated the situation may be. She doesn't want to remove the ring but decides she will be careful about displaying it and hopes Giselle doesn't notice its presence.
She raises her hand again, this time following through and delivering a firm knock to Giselle's door.
It's only a few seconds before the door is pulled open and there stands Giselle. Helena is taken aback a moment seeing this woman she was once so intimate with, cared so much for, standing before her again. She can't help but feel a rush of affection for her as well as regret. Not that things came to an end between them - that was inevitable given her feelings for Myka - but that they came to an end the way they did, so abruptly and hurtful. Giselle is still as beautiful as Helena remembers her to be but there is one feature that is remarkably changed and the observation of it tumbles from Helena's lips before all else.
"You've cut your hair," she says breathless, instantly feeling chagrined at Giselle's frown.
Giselle lifts a hand to her shortened locks. Red locks that were once long and flowing with curls are now cropped close in a flattering pixie cut.
"I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I meant to say you're looking well, Giselle, truly," Helena says quickly.
"Thanks. Come on in," she says stepping aside to let Helena in. "After we broke up, I just felt I needed a change."
"Well, it suits you, very much."
"It makes getting ready for work easier in the morning without having to spend so much time drying, that's for sure," Giselle laughs. "Come on, let's sit in the living room," she says leading Helena into a room she knows well.
Giselle plops down on the sofa, watching Helena sit much more sedately, setting a box on the coffee table in front of them. "Some of your things you left at my place," she says motioning to the box.
Giselle leans forward, removing the lid of the box in curiosity. The first thing that catches her attention is the book and she picks it up in delight. "You had this all this time? I'd been looking for it everywhere. I just figured I must have lost it on one of the jobs."
"Yes, I've had it. I knew its sentimental value to you and I did try to make arrangements to meet you earlier…." Helena says pointedly.
"I know," Giselle says softly. "I wasn't ready then."
"And now?"
Giselle looks up to meet Helena's eyes. "I'm…better," she smiles wanly. "I have to tell you, when I got your message about having a few of my belongings and wanting to return them to me, I went about this apartment looking for your things to return to you. Do you know what I found?"
Helena remains silent, knowing exactly what she found.
"Nothing," Giselle says quietly. "Not one thing, not one little part of yourself was ever left here. Not even a toothbrush! And I remembered how you were always so careful to leave nothing behind. And when I realized that is was all so blatantly there for me to see if I only looked - that you never left a part of yourself with me, not really, - and I got mad at you all over again," she sighs. "But I was more upset with myself for not realizing it."
"I'm sorry, Giselle."
"Why? For not loving me?"
"For not being honest about why I couldn't."
Giselle's features soften at that. "Well I've also come to realize it's hard to be honest with others if you're not honest with yourself first. I think we both know that's what happened with you."
Helena can't bring herself to meet Giselle's eyes. The compassion in her voice is almost too much to bear. "I am so sorry for any hurt I've caused you, Giselle. It was never my intention to lead you on in any way, I just thought we were in the same place and we weren't."
"You mean how I wanted to build on our relationship and you were using it only as a filler?"
Helena does meet Giselle's eyes now, blue and bright and still full of compassion. "I was upset with you for a long time, Helena, but I came to realize exactly what you've just told me. You weren't trying to lead me on, we were just on different pages. And it's not as though either of made much effort to try to grow our relationship either, despite best intentions."
"I didn't let you meet any my friends."
"I didn't take you to meet mine either, even though I meant to. I just got so caught up in us and then…that evening when I met you at your office…I realized there wasn't an us. Never was. Not really."
"I didn't intend to hurt you."
"I know that, Helena. Even when I was upset with you that night, I knew you didn't mean to hurt me, but I was hurt and I didn't want to listen to anything you had to say. Not that it would have made any difference with the demise of our relationship anyway. Besides, I'm partly to blame in all this. I was so caught up in you, I didn't notice that I wasn't enough for you."
"It wasn't that…"
"Yes it was. And that's okay - now. I don't want to be someone you or anyone else settles for. I want to be all-consuming for someone. The way that Myka so obviously is for you."
Helena feels a catch in her throat at the mention of Myka's name, so much that she can't form anything to say.
"How is she by the way?"
Helena clears her throat, feeling her nerves begin to return. "She's well."
"And? Have you told her you love her?"
Helena glances away. "Not in so many words, no."
"Why not?"
"It's complicated."
"Only if you make it so."
"We're married," Helena blurts out. She's not sure why she's compelled to speak that truth - maybe because for too long she hasn't been completely truthful, not with Giselle, not with Myka, not even herself.
Giselle's eyes widen at the admission. "Well, you don't waste any time, do you?"
"It isn't like that," Helena says mournfully. "I forgot to renew my work visa and Myka agreed to marry me to keep me from being deported - that's all."
Giselle takes a moment to allow the information to sink in. When it does, she begins to softly chuckle, the sound of it startling Helena. But soon the chuckle isn't enough and it quickly develops into her full, throaty laughter that Helena used to appreciate. She doesn't appreciate it now.
"You're laughing," Helena tells her which only makes Giselle laugh harder to the point she finds it difficult to draw breath and Helena begins to fidget uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry," Giselle finally says, getting a handle on her laughter. "You're right. It's complicated. So you're married."
"Yes," Helena nods dejectedly.
"For how long?"
"Six weeks."
"Then I don't understand. How can you be married that long and still haven't told her you love her?"
"Because she's only doing me a favor to keep me in Denver for work. I love Myka, yes, but she doesn't love me."
"That's an awfully big favor for someone to do for you who you deem doesn't love you," Giselle tells her.
"She doesn't love me in a romantic sense," Helena tries to clarify. "She is my dearest friend, of course she wanted to help me, but that's all it is."
Giselle smirks at her. "Sure it is."
Uncomfortable where the conversation is heading regarding Myka and the love she feels for her, Helena comments, "You've taken this all rather well."
"And that surprises you?"
"Well, you did seem quite angry with me for some time. I'm glad that it's finally abated."
Giselle shrugs. "I was mad. And maybe I still would have been but…"
"But," Helena prods her go to on.
"But, it's easier to not feel so much resentment when you find someone who makes you forget any need for that resentment," she smiles widely.
"Ah, I see. How long?"
"A few weeks now. David is wonderful," she sighs.
Helena quirks an eyebrow at her to which Giselle has the sense to look somewhat chagrined. "I know I told you I'd sworn off men for good, but it turns out they're not such a bad species - at least when you meet the right one."
Helena laughs. "They have their merits I suppose. But I'm happy for you, Giselle, truly. David is a lucky fellow."
"Thank you. And I want you to be happy too, Helena. I mean it. You need to tell that wife of yours how you really feel about her. Married for six weeks and in love with her for years - it's long past time, don't you think?"
"It is," Helena agrees. My brother has been telling me the same thing for weeks now. Berating me really. I just don't know how to go about it, I suppose. Myka and I have been friends for three years, how am I supposed to tell her that while I adore her friendship and never want to lose it, I also long for something more?"
"That sounds pretty good right there. Just sit her down and tell her exactly that."
"Yes, well, it's not exactly that I don't know how to tell her how I feel I suppose, but rather how to handle her rejection if she doesn't feel the same."
Giselle looks at her incredulously. "As someone who was recently on that side of the relationship with you (and Helena has the decency to look contrite) I'm not going to lie, it sucked. But we're all resilient. And as for how you deal with the rejection if it should happen - your answer to that question is simple. Forty-two," Giselle smiles.
"What?" Helena looks at her perplexed.
Giselle holds up the book. "Forty-two," she repeats. "Life is what you make of it, you know that."
Helena nods. "I do know that."
"And what do you most want most in life right at this moment?"
The answer is simple. "Myka," Helena breathes.
Myka checks her watch again. She's lost count how many times she's checked her watch since coming home. The time has come and gone from when Helena planned to return home. It's after well after seven-thirty when Myka finally forces herself to eat some of the chicken marsala she prepared with Helena in mind, barely able to eat any of it. Dinner isn't same without Helena sitting beside her at the table, both of them laughing and talking about whatever comes to mind.
Apparently she and Giselle have more to discuss than was originally planned. Myka can only begin to wonder what they are discussing and hopes that it is only discussion and not something more...physical. Helena cared for Giselle before, there's no reason to believe she couldn't again, or that she doesn't still care for her. From what little she knows of their break-up, it was sudden and seems to have been Giselle's decision, not Helena's.
Myka can feel tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. Tears of sadness, frustration, a hint of anger, but mostly disappointment with herself. If only she had told Helena how she felt about her, maybe Helena would be with her now instead of with Giselle.
She shakes away the thought. Helena said there was nothing more between she and Giselle and Myka believes her. At least she believes that Helena believes it. But sometimes feelings thought to be dormant resurface in the face of the person one once had feelings for.
And she's being ridiculous, letting her thoughts run away from her - again. So what if Helena will arrive home later than expected. It's only been forty minutes. And counting. When it's ten after eight, Myka finally puts away the food rather than try to keep it warm waiting for Helena to arrive. Obviously Helena has found other company she prefers tonight.
Myka needs something to do to take her mind off what might have been and what may be happening this very moment in Giselle's apartment.
For once she doesn't want to read, quite certain she won't be able to lose herself effortlessly in words and another realm tonight. She should do laundry the way she does most Wednesday evenings - if she doesn't, she'll likely regret not doing so later in the week when she runs out of clean socks, but she wants to be here in the apartment for Helena's return. That seems vital somehow and laundry can easily wait another night. She can't seem to easily wait for Helena however and decides to seek refuge in the office instead, hoping to keep herself busy. She knows better than to try to organize Helena's desk that is an example of organized chaos if ever there was one, but there is one bookshelf in the room that could stand a little reorganizing.
But something on Helena's desk catches Myka's eye. It's the camera Claudia and Steve gave them as a gift at their bridal shower. Carefully Myka picks it up, turning it over in her hand, switching it on. She finds the button to press to view the pictures saved. The first picture she sees nearly makes her laugh, of Pete with frosting from the cake smeared all across his face, courtesy of Amanda after he attempted to feed her a slice of cake in imitation of what she and Helena were encouraged to do. Thinking of that embarrassing display, Myka quickly scrolls through the photos to find photos of that moment. She knows Claudia must have captured that moment along with every other that afternoon. Helena teased that Claudia bought the camera for herself rather than as a gift and it was only because of Steve that they actually received the camera as a gift after all.
There are so many pictures to scroll through. There's a candid photo of Tracy and her mom and another of she and Helena standing with them. There's a sweet one of Leena smiling into the camera as though laughing at something Claudia has said. There's one of Claudia and Steve, arms over each other's shoulder like the buddies they are. Myka wonders who took that photo and then remembers that Leena did eventually persuade Claudia to give up the camera for a little while so she could be caught in front of it for some photos.
She keeps scrolling, more than a little surprised at how many photos were taken. But finally she finds the set she's looking for. Those awkward moments she and Helena fed each other the wedding cake Leena made for them are preserved in several photos and apparently even a video, she is surprised to find. She presses play and watches as Helena feeds her cake. Myka groans internally. She looks so uncomfortable by the ordeal, because of course she was. Having the woman she loves feed her cake was a surprisingly intimate act done in front of their friends and family. Knowing what's coming after they feed each other cake, she cringes as she watches herself practically launch herself at Helena to kiss her. And it's by no means a chaste kiss between friends.
She can still remember how Helena's mouth had tasted, the sweetness from the cake still on her tongue. But Helena did return the kiss, almost immediately. Myka watches the kiss they share on the small camera screen, sees the way Helena clings to her. The way she doesn't let her go immediately after they part from the kiss. Instead of separating entirely, Helena kisses her again.
Myka's heart aches at the sight. She wants Helena so much, sometimes she doesn't think she can bear it. And knowing Helena is speaking with Giselle tonight, she worries that she's missed her chance. She should have told Helena how she felt, if for no other reason than to give herself peace of mind, to know that she'd done all she could to keep Helena. It doesn't really matter now. If Helena wants to be with Giselle, Myka won't stand in her way. She loves her too much for that.
She turns off the camera with a heavy sigh, carefully placing it back on Helena's desk. She no sooner puts it away then she hears Helena call out her name.
"Myka? Are you here?"
Myka feels a jolt within her stomach at the sound of Helena's voice and can't determine if it's anticipation or dread of what is to come. She's nervous. It's time to face the music at last. Slowly Myka leaves the office to walk down the hall to the living room to find Helena there. She looks tired Myka thinks. And beautiful.
"There you are," Helena smiles, removing her coat and hanging it in the closet.
Myka is conflicted between wanting to know what exactly transpired between Helena and Giselle and also fearful. As far as she knows, this may be the last few moments of their relationship as they know it. She can feel they're on the verge of a change, but if that change will be will good or not, she has no idea.
"Can I get you some dinner?" Myka asks, starting to walk in the direction of the kitchen. "I kept a plate warm for you up to about twenty minutes ago and then thought I better put it away."
"I'm sorry I'm so late getting home. There was a lot to think about."
Myka's not sure she wants to know what that means and doesn't ask. Instead she says, "Let me heat your dinner then, you must be starving."
"Myka, wait..."
"It'll just take me a couple minutes to fix you a plate and heat it up."
"Myka," Helena says more firmly. "I'm not hungry at the moment."
"Okay." Myka rubs at her arms, feeling a chill for what she is sure to come.
"Can we sit down and talk for a moment?" Helena asks.
Myka takes a deep breath, willing herself to remain calm, but nods, joining Helena on the sofa.
"You're home later than you said you would be," Myka points out needlessly. "Did everything go okay?"
"Yes - better than I hoped," Helena smiles softly. "And I'm sorry I'm later than intended to be," she apologizes again. "There was a lot to think about and I decided to wander the city a bit to clear my head."
"Wander? That doesn't make me believe that you are in fact okay," Myka says worried.
"Well, I hope things will be okay, after you and I...after I discuss something important with you."
And suddenly Myka can't bear the thought of hearing Helena speak the words aloud. The words that will tell Myka that she wants to go back to Giselle. She can't listen to Helena confess her feelings for another woman. In an effort not to hear Helena say it, Myka rushes to speak instead.
"It's okay, Helena," she stands, crossing her arms at her chest.
"What is?"
"You and Giselle. That you want to get back together with her. I'm sure we can work something out to keep our marriage intact until immigration gives you permanent status here while still allowing you and Giselle to be together."
Silence permeates the room for a moment and Myka can't bring herself to meet Helena's eyes while fighting the tears in her own.
"Myka, no," Helena whispers. "How could you think that I want to go back to Giselle?"
Myka wishes she hadn't spoken her insecurity aloud. She really doesn't want to have this conversation, but the words have spilled out, there's no taking them back now so she presses on instead.
"It's not an improbable idea. You had feelings for her once before, you could still. I saw the picture of the two of you together in your desk drawer a few weeks ago. And then I saw you…the other day in your office, you were staring at that picture of her. You tried to hide it away when you noticed me, but I saw how you looked at that picture. You still care for her, don't you?"
"No, I…" Helena begins softly.
"Then last night I found you looking through her things that you kept. And then tonight…" Myka goes on, "you didn't come home for dinner when you said you would. And I waited for you. I thought that you and I…that we could…" she struggles to put her feeling into words, unsure if she should even try. She feels tears beginning to well in her eyes and she hates that she can't control them - hates that Helena seems to be slipping away from her and she can't do anything but let her go.
"Myka," Helena speaks her name so softly again, almost reverently, but surely it's not reverence - regret maybe. "I am only late because I needed to think what to say to you...about how I feel..."
"Please don't say anything more - you don't need to say anything, I get it," she says quickly brushing away an escaped tear. "We'll work things out, but can we figure out the details later? I'm not really up for it now."
"You don't understand. Myka I…I don't want to be with Giselle."
"Helena, I've seen you with her, remember?" Myka scoffs. "She's a gorgeous, talented woman and she obviously made you happy - why wouldn't you want to get back together with her?"
"Because I'm in love with you!" Helena proclaims, rising from the sofa, realizing what she's said a moment too late, clapping a hand over her mouth as if to hold back the words already spoken.
"You're what?" Myka breathes, sitting down hard on the sofa once more, green eyes focused on Helena, watching the way she pulls a hand through her hair distraught.
Helena closes her eyes briefly, willing herself to remain calm and to be brave. "I'm in love with you, Myka. I think I have been for years and just didn't realize it. That's the reason why Giselle broke things off with me. She could tell the moment she saw us together that I loved you. Well that, and apparently it's abnormal to cling to a friend's sweatshirt for years," she laughs self-deprecatingly, her eyes darting to Myka to gauge her reaction. "She saw what was so obvious but which I tried so hard to ignore, to conceal, mostly from myself."
Myka's mind is spinning uncontrollably. She can't wrap her mind around the declaration. Helena loves her. She doesn't want to get back together with Giselle. Because she loves her.
"Myka, say something, please?" Helena requests softly.
Myka shakes her head in disbelief, still trying to process what Helena has just told her. To understand that what she has only longed for, for weeks, for months, for years really, if she's truly honest, is now within her grasp. To not only love Helena but to be loved by her in return. And yet she can't form the words, her throat constricted with the emotion of it all. The relief, the joy, the love, it's all too much.
Helena must interpret her silence for something else however because she smiles wanly and says, "I think I understand. I'm so sorry, Myka - for everything," before she turns away and flees the room.
Myka watches her go helplessly, still unable to form the words she wants to say in return, trying desperately to regulate her breathing. She had been so afraid for days that she was going to lose Helena. But she isn't. Helena loves her. She drops her head in her hands, feeling tears fall without restraint. Helena loves her.
It's a few moments before Myka finally regains control of her emotions, clearing her throat and drying her eyes. She only regrets that she didn't - couldn't respond to Helena's declaration immediately - regrets the apparent distress her silence caused Helena in what she likely believed to be a rejection of her feelings, causing her to flee the room. Myka knows she has to make this right. For too long, they've held back admitting their true feelings and it has led to miscommunication and misery.
She needs to tell Helena she loves her too and she needs to do it now.
