Chapter L

The storm raged for a couple days. The rain had soaked through Lucy's bones and chilled her to her core. It felt as though ice had settled in her veins, although it was now late spring in the Italian peninsula. However, the weather did nothing to warm her from the inside and melt away her worry.

She was so unbelievably tired, and the more exhausted she got, the less she felt as though she was doing a capable job. Lucy found the farther along she got in her pregnancy, the less she wanted to be on site. Not only due to it being hard physical work, but because of all the risks that were involved. Just a few weeks before Whitney had been blown to pieces, and it likely could have happened to Lucy too.

Lucy thought about how easy it would have been to miscarry when she had been thrown to the ground from the blast. She knew how common it was for women to suffer such mishaps, given her sister had two before her first child and the devastation was unlike anything Lucy had ever seen.

At first, Lucy thought perhaps a miscarriage would be a blessing. All her problems would go away if the pregnancy ended. Now, she was worried about it. Not because she particularly was looking forward to the baby, but because she felt a motherly instinct to protect it with everything she had.

Which is why on Lucy's calendar she had a circle around the date two weeks from the present. It was her resignation day. A day that Lucy never thought would come, but now knew was necessary. The red mark on the date haunted her, and Lucy dreaded the conversation she would have, but knew it had to be done.

She only hoped that Bucky would be back before then. She couldn't imagine how he would feel coming back to base to not find her there. He would assume the worst, and Lucy would take measures to ensure he didn't jump to conclusions.

She needed to write him an explanation that she would leave with both Peggy and Charles, knowing they would be able to give him her letter once he arrived. Still, she remained hopeful he would return first so that it wouldn't be necessary. Finding out his wife was pregnant in a letter likely wouldn't be ideal, and he would be hurt to know he was missing the entirety of watching their little one grow inside of her. He'd never feel it kick, or be able to talk to it or place kisses on her belly like she knew he would want to.

Lucy wondered what her life would be like when she returned back home. How could she adjust back to civilian life after being away for so long? She figured when she got back she would sell her house in Chicago and return back to New York where she would have the baby. She wanted to be close to her sisters so they could help, and the familiar setting may just help her adjust back as well.

She wondered if there was any way she could get possession of Bucky's apartment. She was sure he wouldn't mind and would love to come back to Brooklyn to see her having made a home of the space he once lived in.

She didn't want to overstep but thought her adjustment back would be made easier knowing she was in space that he had once inhabited. Sure, she would have to baby-proof the place, given the fact it was likely a bachelor's apartment, but Lucy was sure it would be possible.

She wondered what type of things she would discover about it even when he wasn't there. Would she find old books with dog eared pages on the shelves? A few favourite coffee mugs in the cupboards and a stained ring on the bedside table from where one of them had rested? Perhaps she'd find some souvenirs of old girlfriends, the ghosts of them haunting within the walls. Lucy wouldn't be bothered by it in the slightest and would laugh at pinup pictures she might find buried underneath the various socks in his drawers. When he came back, she might even play a small prank on him and post them on the walls so he could get all embarrassed and blush while he laughed and tossed his head back.

Lucy wondered what it would feel like to sleep in his bed while using his pillows, staring up at the same ceiling he had looked up at every night for years.

She would feel odd living in his space without him, and even a little bit intrusive, but she knew that if Bucky were there he'd want her to stay at his apartment until he returned back after everything finished. It couldn't be much longer now, given they had the Nazi's on the ropes from each direction. But still, the bastards weren't giving up for some reason, unable to accept defeat even though it was nearly inevitable at this point.

She paled when she realized it could be years until they were together again. At that point, they could already have a toddler that had never met its father. Lucy tried not to think about that though and took a deep breath as she only worried about what was in her control. Which, if she was being perfectly honest, was very little.

So, to stay as in charge as possible, she made list after list of everything she would need to do once she returned to the United States. Once she got home, she would seek Beatrix's help immediately, since after two children she would likely know how to approach the matter at hand. Lucy didn't even have access to so much as a book on pregnancy and didn't know where to begin.

She could only imagine Hilda's reaction as well when she showed up on Bea's doorstep, where Lucy had sent her to live after she left London. The girl would undoubtedly jump up and down in happiness at the sight of Lucy's belly. She'd talk Lucy's ear off for hours about the baby, and for some reason, Lucy had a feeling that Hilda knew more about children than both her and Beatrix combined.

The hard part about the situation was that besides Elsa, Lucy couldn't really talk to anyone about what she was going through. Sure, some of the other nurses knew she was expecting, but it wasn't like she was as close with them. She mostly ignored Daniel after his cruel comment a couple weeks prior, still unable to forgive him for what he said.

Charles wanted to be there for her, but he didn't understand what was happening, and what emotional turmoil she was in every single second of every day. Lucy wished she could have told Peggy what was going on, but she knew the agent would have a responsibility to tell Philips, and Lucy couldn't risk him knowing until she next saw Bucky. Therefore, Lucy had tried to avoid the agent as much as she could. The woman was too intuitive for her own good, and would immediately know something was off about Lucy.

Despite having Elsa, the only person in the world Lucy wanted to talk to was Bucky. He was her best friend, and it felt strange not to be able to tell him something as big as this. Especially since he played a rather large role in the situation she was in.

As the days passed, Lucy's letter that was intended to inform him of why she left the base continued to stare blankly at her. She didn't know how to say anything or explain why she chose not to tell him.

Finally, after she put pen to paper, Lucy found herself scratching parts out and starting over. After balls of crumpled paper littered her work tent floor, Lucy decided to go to the Love Expert herself. Hence, why at the moment Elsa was sleeping on a chair in the corner of Lucy's tent. Her clothes were bloodied and ruined and she stank of urine and other foul things after just finishing a particularly rough shift.

Like a good friend, Elsa had agreed to help Lucy write the letter to Bucky after her shift. However, as soon as she plopped into Lucy's chair she had fallen fast asleep within seconds. Lucy didn't have the heart to wake her either, not after seeing the dark circles around her eyes and how her smile didn't quite reach as high as it usually did.

Lucy had wrapped a blanket around her and had her a couple hours uninterrupted of rest. Meanwhile, Lucy fretted over the letter and finally gave up and turned back to her work. She had put a couple uninterrupted hours in until the words began swimming across the pages and Lucy had to tear herself away.

Once again, she was faced with the scary blank page in front of her. Tapping her pen and looking over her friend Lucy saw she was still dead asleep.

"Elsa!" Lucy hissed as she threw a ball of paper at her head. She only snored in response, drool trailing down her chin.

With a small smile, Lucy got up and walked over to her, taking a handkerchief and wiping the drool off her face. Elsa slowly awoke, blinking a couple times in confusion until she realized what Lucy had done. "See!" Elsa yawned widely, her voice muffled, "You will make a good mother!" She smiled at her the best she could, although she was still fading in and out on consciousness.

Lucy realized that she had wiped Elsa's spit without even thinking twice about it. Blinking down at her Lucy let out a shaky exhale as she wondered what in the hell had gotten into her and why she felt the need to do something so motherly.

Shakily moving away, Lucy tried to think of all the other times she had reacted on instinct in the last couple weeks. First, it was making sure Charles was drinking water every hour or so after he had gotten sick from sun exposure. She placed a hat on his head and told him to take it easy and rest when he could, just like a mother would have done.

A few days ago, there had been a large pit at one of their sites and when Daniel stepped too close to the edge, Lucy instinctively pulled him back by the belt as she would do for a small child. She hadn't even looked up while she did it, chewing away on her apple as she was taking notes as she sat on a nearby rock that was parallel to the pit.

"Dear God, what is happening to me?" Lucy asked in horror as she realized her behaviour. It wasn't bad things that were happening, but still, it was just so unlike her to notice things like that. Especially when she never really had a mother to do all that for her.

"It's a good thing!" Elsa came up behind her and gave her a hug, resting her head on her back as Lucy hunched over her desk in shock. Elsa's hand went around Lucy's front so she could place it on her belly, gently touching Lucy's stomach and murmuring a hello to it. Usually, Lucy would have minded if people were going around and placing their hands on her, but when Elsa did it it felt comforting.

"Are you sleeping again?" Lucy chuckled as Elsa stayed there, leaning on the back of her shoulder bones calmly. Lucy felt her breathing slow, suggesting she was drifting off once more.

"Yes, you're warm. And you've gotten so soft and squishy since you've been pregnant." Lucy didn't know if she should take offense to Elsa's words or not, but she figured she would ignore them.

"You're lucky I like you. The last person who I let get this close to me was my husband."

Elsa snorted, gesturing down to Lucy's belly as she finally moved, "And look where that got you." She sunk back down in the chair with a dramatic sigh. Lucy looked back at the paper that screamed at her to write something on it, she asked Elsa for help.

"Try something like 'Hi honey you knocked me up!'" She replied jokingly, not offering much insight at all. Lucy only gave her a pressing look, raising her eyebrow unamused. Elsa then suggested,'"Shoulda used a rubber because now I'm having your baby.'"

"Elsa! That's not helpful," Lucy huffed and put her forehead to the desk, hoping something would come to her as blood rushed to her brain.

"Why are you writing a letter anyway?" The redhead yawned, "He'll be back soon! He's usually only gone for a couple weeks at a time, right?"

"Just a precautionary measure," Lucy answered, tapping her pen as she sat back down at her desk chair. She planted herself in it, struggling to get comfortable.

"I didn't think you used precautionary measures." Elsa stuck her tongue out again, teasing Lucy once more like a rotten child. The redhead got more mischievous the more tired she was apparently, and Lucy had to shoot her a disapproving glance.

"Alright, that's enough out of you, young lady! No more pregnancy jokes."

"Yes, mother." Elsa sassed her, throwing Lucy a wink and making her groan. Lucy finally accepted Elsa wasn't going to be much help. With a frustrated huff, she blew a piece of hair out of her face and finally just settled on whatever first came to mind.

Lucy regretted not telling him when she had the chance. There were certain risks to telling Bucky, though. Such as him scolding her for putting herself in harm's way, to also him wanting to just run away so they could be together.

Lucy wanted more than anything to see his face light up and for his grin to stretch so wide he would get those little smile lines under his eyes that she loved so much. She thought that if he was there with her, assuring her and filling her ear with sweet promises of what their future would look like, she wouldn't be so terrified. All she needed was her Bucky to make her feel better. With him, Lucy could do just about anything.

As Lucy thought about it, her heart filled with longing. A warmth filled her that she hadn't felt in days, and it made her feel all fuzzy inside. She felt the small turning as her heart beat faster and she chuckled and looked down at her slightly rounded stomach. She had quit tucking her shirt into her pants, which created a baggier look and thankfully allowed her belly to stay hidden.

Her daydreams filled with the unrealistic thought of being a professor, wife, and mother. As she touched her pen to the paper she had to stop herself from smiling when she thought of walking out from her university hall she was teaching at to see Bucky with a small child in his grasp, waiting by their car for her as he bounced the little one up and down in his arms gently. She wondered what it would sound like to hear him say excitedly to their little one 'there's Mama!' and point at her.

As Lucy daydreamed she had a silly smile on her face that she never thought would appear there as she thought of a future with a child. She still wasn't happy about her situation...But with time? Perhaps.

Yet Lucy's thoughts were soon interrupted and she was brought to attention when someone entered her tent. Her daydreams came crashing down as she quickly averted her eyes to who entered her place of work.

Her mouth fell open in surprise when she saw the broad-shouldered man standing there, donned in red, white, and blue.

"You're back!" Lucy stood up happily, smiling widely and causing Elsa to wake up with a shock. The girl scrambled upwards, trying to compose herself and wipe more drool off her face now that they had an attractive man in their presence. "I wasn't expecting you to be back so soon." She admitted as her heart began to pound away in her chest, her ribcage had to hold it back from leaping out in excitement.

Steve stood at the base of her tent still in uniform. He looked exhausted, mud still gracing his boots. She could see specks of blood freckled against his cheek, suggesting he just arrived back on the base and didn't even have time to clean up. Lucy wondered if it had been a difficult mission and that's why the Howling Commandos were back so soon. It was clear it had been, given his less than pristine state and how even Captain America looked shaken to his very core.

Lucy's smile faltered a little as she saw the red lining Steve's baby blue eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. On instinct, Lucy expected Bucky to follow behind him. She kept waiting for him to enter the tent as well, a large smile on his face as soon as he saw her. The very smile which made Lucy come alive every time she realized she was the cause of it.

Yet, nothing ever came. Steve said nothing as he stood there like he was frozen in time. Lucy's eyes couldn't tear themselves from the mouth of the tent, which she still thought would open up and her entire world would light up. Nothing came through, and Steve remained alone.

"Where's Bucky?" Her voice caught as she spoke and her words barely came out as a whisper. She swallowed as she redirected her gaze back to the man, something inside her becoming unsettled. Perhaps it was because Steve was so shaken up.

Lucy tried to tell herself that it was alright. Bucky was just unloading the plane, or restocking supplies. He would be here soon.

Still as silent as a crypt, Steve didn't utter a word, only reaching for something in his utility belt. Lucy frowned as she saw him fumbling about, searching frantically for something.

He outstretched his hand, signaling Lucy to open hers up. She did so silently, placing her palm up so he could give her what he held gently in his extended fist.

Lucy looked down to see what he had placed in her hand. Her blood turned cold.

It was a pebble.

The very one Bucky promised to bring her back after his mission.

"No." Lucy gasped, her voice barely coming out. For a moment everything in time stopped. She didn't understand what this meant. It couldn't be what she thought. It just couldn't.

Her wide eyes flashed back to Steve, looking for answers along his face. All she saw though were crimson rimmed, bloodshot, eyes from the tears that had been shed.

Then Steve uttered the words that caused her blood to run cold. Lucy felt her heart stop inside her chest, like a light inside her had been extinguished. "I'm sorry," Was all he could mutter in a cracked voice.

Breathing out heavily through her nose, Lucy clutched the pebble so tightly in her hand her knuckles turned white, "Steve." Her harsh tone cut like a knife, "Where is Bucky?" she demanded again.

"He's…" Steve choked, his voice catching. He ran a hand through his hair as his eyes began to fill to the brim. He began to choke like he couldn't breathe as he only shook his head as he broke down.

"Where's Bucky!?" She demanded again, not accepting his silence as an answer. She could feel something well up in her chest, like a pressure that felt as though she was being crushed.

A heartbeat. A rush of blood passing through her ears until she heard nothing. Time slowed for Lucy, and a single tear fell down her porcelain cheek — In it, a memory.

A memory of a summer's night in Brooklyn. Of strong hands caressing her waist as the stale taste of cigarette smoke on her tongue. Of the way she felt his heart pounding in his chest, revealing an intimate secret to her that neither of them knew what it meant until he had said I love you three years later.

There were flashes of him telling Lucy he would see her in the next life if they died before he threw her out of an airplane, but sharing a first kiss beforehand. Rushed lips plastered to hers, moulding together before being separated, but getting the taste for it and craving it.

Their next kiss — the real one, and how it felt to be grabbed by the back of her neck as yanked into him. It felt like an explosion, one so great and violent that it consumed everything in its wake.

Lucy then had the memory of waking up next to him with the sun catching on his face. His kiss-swollen lips enticed her to taste him. He was so peaceful, a soft snore emitted from him, but Lucy leaned in and nibbled on his pink bottom lip until she felt a smile stretch across them and his arms wrap around her tightly.

The same lips she felt on hers were the very ones that drove her wild as he held her naked body joined to his as she straddled his lap. He placed kiss after kiss on her neck, loving her in the moonlight in the sanctuary of their room. Her head tossed back, his hips moving into hers as they joined as one.

Lucy fisted a hand through his hair to pull him back to look at her as she continued to move up and down on him breathlessly. The sight she was treated with was the most honest and genuine look of love he could muster. In his steel-blue eyes, Lucy saw something. In that look, Lucy could see his entire world through his eyes. And she was at the centre of it. So to show him he meant the same to her, Lucy kissed him like her life depended on it.

The same heart that had been so filled with love now heart pounded in her chest, feeling as though it would burst.

And then a whisper, "He's gone."

Like that, Lucy's heart that had been so filled with love —- so filled with him, broke into pieces, shattered on the ground in front of her as though it were made of glasses. "No." She shook her head in disbelief as she felt as though she would fall to her knees.

"No, no, no," She chanted as she felt as though she couldn't breathe. Her lungs couldn't fill with air. Nothing in the entire world could have made her feel the way she did. The dread and despair that settled in her were unlike anything she had ever felt. Her breath was plucked from her lungs, "This isn't possible." She gasped out, putting a hand to her chest to make sure she could still feel her heart beating.

Looking back at Steve, Lucy tried to determine if he was being serious. Given his broken state and the devastation in his eyes, it was obvious he was, "You're lying." Lucy insisted, "Y-you're lying. You have to be." Elsa was up in a moment, rushing to Lucy's side to take her into her arms as she fell to the ground before Steve. Lucy began to sob into her hands, "This can't be happening."

Lucy felt a sense of Déjà vu overcome her. Hearing Steve utter those words brought back a familiar sense of what it felt like when she heard of Daniel's alleged death.

Only this was different. This was Bucky. Her Bucky. The love of her life and the man who would have been the father of her child.

And it hurt so much more, knowing forever was ripped away from her and all the plans and dreams of their future were gone along with him.

As Elsa stroked her hair, she didn't know what to do to comfort her. She was worried at how she wasn't breathing enough through her tears, nearly causing her to hyperventilate. "He-he promised he would come back." Lucy stuttered and she tried to take air into her lungs but failed.

She remembered getting tortured by Zemo and how she felt like she was dying. She was wrong.

This.

This is what dying felt like.

Steve collapsed in front of her as well, his eyes wide and broken and all he wanted to do was comfort her but he couldn't, nothing he could do would ease the pain, "I'm so sorry. I did everything I could."

Lucy's world fell apart. It felt like the earth underneath her was breaking away until there was nothing. She felt her world dissipate and turn to ashes in her hands until there was nothing.

She was no stranger to grief. In fact, they were something of old friends. But this was unlike any pain, heartache, or anguish she had ever experienced. Lucy felt a piece of herself break away as inside her head Steve's words repeated themselves.

He's gone.

No, it wasn't possible. He promised he would come back. That he would come back to her. Bucky never broke his promises, and he always came back.

Lucy screamed into her hands as she knelt on the ground. A blood curling, agonizing, scream that she knew she had never made before. She could breathe as she sobbed, and Steve cried into his own hands at seeing how absolutely devastated and gut wretched Lucy was.

Lucy couldn't breathe. She physically couldn't breathe despite the fact she was inhaling as much as she could. She was on the verge of a panic attack, and her heart was slamming so hard it in her breast she thought it would pop out

She could feel Elsa holding gently as she was on the ground. She was gently kissing her face and holding her from completely collapsing, but all Lucy wanted to do was sink into the earth and disappear entirely.

"Lucy, honey, this is so awful." Elsa cried into her hair as she whispered. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But you have to calm down. Think of the baby."

"Baby?" Steve looked up, eyes wide and in shock. His eyes flashed to Lucy's stomach, trying to figure out for himself if it was true. Realization donned on him and suddenly his expression was flooded with horror and dread as he came to understanding.

Lucy couldn't say anything. She just shook her head and continued to wail into her hands. She didn't care, after all, how could she when she had just lost everything?

"Think of the baby." Elsa said again, "You have to calm down." Lucy could feel the little thing inside her becoming more anxious the more her heart rate rose.

"I don't care! I don't care because the only reason I could stomach having it was because of its father and now he's gone! Bucky's gone! Because of you!" She turned to Steve with malice, spitting her words like poison. "If you hadn't asked him to join the Commandos he would still be here! He'd still be with me!" Lucy wailed through her broken tone.

"Lucy —," Elsa wanted to reason with her to tell her that she was being cruel but Lucy didn't want to hear it.

"You promised me you'd protect him! You swore to me! You looked me in the eye and told me nothing would happen to him!" She yelled so loud her voice broke with every other word, but she didn't care. Steve sat there looking like the entire world had fallen on him. Lucy began to beat against his chest as they were in front of one another on their knees. Steve just took it, crying silently as Lucy punched him over and over as she sobbed.

Her fists bruised him, and Steve just allowed her to use him as a punching bag until Lucy broke down against his chest, placing her forehead against it and Steve took her in his arms like a small child.

"I know." Steve cried, "I failed both of you. I'm never going to forgive myself. I'm so sorry, Lucy. I'm so sorry." He broke down, not knowing how to live with himself, especially after finding out she was pregnant.

Lucy pressed her face into his chest as he held her, but his embrace didn't feel warm as it usually did when he hugged her. Instead, all she felt was a frigid chill in her bones and darkness that consumed her.

Pressing her face into his uniformed chest she sniffled, "How did it happen?" Her voice barely came out as it quivered. She was shaking like a leaf, her entire body feeling like it was going into shock. She couldn't breathe.

Steve was silent for a moment, trying to find the right words. It seemed impossible though, and he opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to speak. Lucy knew that each time he closed his eyes he was likely haunted with the slight, knowing he could have stopped it.

With a pinched voice, Steve tried his best to mutter, "He fell off a train. It was during an apprehension mission and… and he was there one moment, and gone the next."

Lucy's eyes shut tightly, feeling as though she could try to block it all out. She prayed it away all just a bad dream and she would wake up at Bucky's side back in London. This couldn't be real. It had to be a dream, Lucy would not accept any other explanation.

"It was in the Alps, and he fell to the bottom of the ravine. I couldn't do anything, and it was like I was there just to watch." His voice was so quiet, not at all like the strong and commanding tone he usually had. It was clear that he was broken too, but Lucy wouldn't accept what he just told her. She had heard enough.

Lucy couldn't take any more. She pushed Steve off of her, standing up and wiping her face on her uniform sleeves. Both him and Elsa looked on at her in shock as Lucy stomped over to her pack, stuffing a few essentials into it without saying a word.

Steve got to his feet, trying to figure out what Lucy was doing. Besides her sniffles and trying her hardest to control her crying, Lucy made no noise beyond that. Wordlessly, she threw a few items into her bag.

She grabbed her pistol, checking it's chamber for bullets before attaching it to the holster on her waist. It felt familiar, and instead of it being her enemy, it was now like an old friend.

"Where are you doing?" Steve demanded as he watched Lucy throw her bag over her shoulder and turn around, a determined look in her broken red shot eyes.

"I'm going to find him." She said through a trail of tears, her hand once reaching up to wipe the droplets that might have been waterfalls streaming down her cheeks.

"Luce," Steve said in a hoarse tone, "There's nothing left to find. He's gone." He whispered as he gripped her arm, stopping her from leaving the tent. His touch burned her, and Lucy ripped herself away.

"I know that!" Lucy screamed through her agony, "You think I don't know that?! But I need to find him! I can't leave him there! I-I need to take him home!" She said through her sobs as Steve grabbed her and held her tightly, "He hates heights. He hates the cold. I just want to bring him home."

"Lucy," Steve whispered, "There'll be nothing left of him."

"Stop saying that!" Lucy was screaming as she broke down again, once more pushing him away. She didn't want to be comforted, she wanted to be supported and for him to say he was going with her.

"Get out of my way, Steve!" She hissed before he tried to grab her wrist again to keep her from leaving. Lucy maneuvered out of his hold, breaking it easily out of instinct, and landing a kick to the back kneecap so he buckled forward so he was kneeling in her mud. Elsa gasped at how easily and naturally Lucy had done such a thing, her hands going to her face in utter surprise.

Steve looked shocked Lucy was able to bring him to his knees so effortlessly, but as he saw a fire raging in her eyes, he should have known better. Something inside her had snapped and she quickly moved past him out into the base.

Steve got to his feet and raced after her, moving in front of Lucy so he could block her past.

"Lieutenant stand down! That's an order!" He replied harshly, his tone unforgiving. He had to protect her after he couldn't save Bucky.

"I said get the hell out of my way, Rogers." She looked at Steve with a determined expression, her jaw tightened as her stern face told him she wasn't scared of him, despite the fact she wasn't even a quarter of his size. "I won't ask a third time," He was only an obstacle keeping her away from her love, and one she would breakthrough with ease if need be.

"Lucy, if you do this. You won't leave me any choice..." He swallowed as he looked down at her, leaving her to figure out the repercussions herself. Court marshaling for abandonment was at the top of the list.

"Damn you, Rogers." She broke out in tears again, "Damn you!" She sniffled, "How could you do this to me? To him?" Lucy demanded, knowing deep down nothing she could do would make any difference.

"You think I don't wanna go back there and find him? To bring him home so he's not..." Steve choked out, barely able to speak as he shook his head, "So he's not laying at the foot of some forest, completely abandoned." Lucy began to cry more as she heard his words, "But I promised him I would take care of you if anything happened."

"You're such a liar, Steve!" Lucy wanted to scream and break something. Nothing in the entire world, not even the worst torture, could ever compare to how she was feeling. Lucy would have rather endured anything other than this.

"You think you were the only one who loved him? He was my best friend—,"

"Your best friend?!" Lucy yelled at him, her eyes now flowing with tears, "He's my husband!" She screamed, broken hearted, "He was my husband." She corrected sadly, "And the father of my child. So don't lecture me."

"Lucy, you know why I can't let you go. Especially now that you're pregnant. You would..." Steve swallowed down his tears again, although he was failing miserably, "You would have to cover thousands of miles, only to find pieces of him pulled apart by wolves. I can't let you do that. I promised him I'd protect you."

"Please Steve, please. You could come with me. He's the love of my life, I can't just leave him there."

"I'm sorry," He swallowed, "But I made him a promise and I damn well intend to keep it." He reached out to touch her shoulder comfortingly, trying to offer something to make her feel better, "I'm keeping his, even if I couldn't keep yours."

Lucy slapped his hand away, not able to bear him touching her, "I can't believe I'm hearing this." She shook her head in horror and disbelief.

"Lucy, I promised him." He tried to reason, looking more and more devastated as they continued talking. He could hardly look at her, the guilt racking at him.

"You made a promise to me too! What if he's still alive, Steve?" Lucy couldn't explain it, but she knew Bucky was still out there. Even if he wasn't alive, she needed to at least bring his body home so he could be buried properly. She couldn't accept just leaving him somewhere in the wilderness amongst the snow and cold for his body to be picked over by animals. "What if he's still out there?"

Steve looked at her like she was the most pitiful creature in the word. He had so much emotion in his eyes and heartbreak , "No ordinary man could have survived a fall like that."

"He wasn't ordinary!" Lucy snapped, "You and I both knew that! He-he was special! Steve, I know he's out there I feel it in my bones!" She tried to convince him. Lucy knew he wasn't gone, he couldn't be. He promised he would come back to her.

He looked at her like she was broken and diluted. Steve's eyes were sorry, knowing it would take her some time to accept the hard notion of Bucky's passing.

He looked at her with a level of sorriness, not knowing how to make her feel better or accept what was happening. They were both lost, heartbroken, and pained, suffering a loss that neither one of them were capable of dealing with.

Steve knew unless Lucy believed he was truly gone she would never stop looking for him, so uttered the words that broke her to her very core, "Bucky's dead, Lucy. He's not coming back."

And in that moment, Lucy wished she was dead too.


The day after Lucy found out about Bucky's death she resigned. For the first time in nearly four years, she was free to do whatever she wanted, but it was all for naught. After all, what did going home mean if Lucy didn't have the one person that made it a home? There was only emptiness and destitute in the sweet promises of freedom for her and that freedom was more of a life sentence than anything else had been.

She gave up her medals, forfeiting them once she admitted her pregnancy. Lucy didn't care though, and nothing in the entire world seemed to matter to her. Even as Phillips called her a disgrace, Lucy just stood there and took it, refusing to display any sense of emotion. Mostly because she didn't have the strength to show any, and mostly because she felt as though a part of her was dead inside.

Lucy didn't care that she would fade from memory or that she wouldn't hold a place in any of the history books. It had taken the loss of the love of her life to realize that there had only been one thing in her entire existence that made her feel as though she mattered in the grand scheme of things.

It wasn't rescuing art from the Nazis, or preserving any type of history of past people that gave her value. Perhaps if she had been a man then it would have been different. But Lucy had to look the hard truth in the eye and recognize that as a woman, her name would never have been remembered.

She was surprisingly alright with that. Maybe years ago she wouldn't have been. But then again, years before she hadn't had anything else before she met Bucky.

Lucy had to face the reality that the world she was living in just wasn't ready for her, but remained hopeful that perhaps one day it would be. If not for her, then for her child.

When Lucy stepped off the plane after she arrived in New York, she found no solitude. Even as her sisters hugged and kissed her face, and even Mr. Lee gave her one of his signature smiles that used to light up her world she felt nothing.

The grin on her face that appeared as she smoothed out the skirt of her dress over her belly to show off her baby bump to her family was fake. As they laughed and smiled and celebrated it, she tried to put on a good show. Lucy cried about it later after she arrived at Beatrix's house as she sobbed in the tub, wishing that her tears would drown her. Everyone was excited about her baby but her. How could she be excited for it now when the one thing that grounded her and kept her going was no longer there?

It was like an emptiness had taken hold of her, hollowing out her entire body until there was nothing. A snake wrapped around her throat and each second tightened just a little more until she was suffocating.

Lucy missed him so terribly. Every moment of every waking hour all she felt like she was a shell of herself. Lucy knew there had been a time without Bucky, but she couldn't remember what it was like. More importantly, she didn't remember what she was like without him. Nor did she particularly like who she was before their meeting. Lucy had grown a great deal since then but didn't know how to continue being that person without him to show her how.

He had helped her to grow into the person she always wished to be. Before, she was tense, serious, and too much of a hardass. After him, she learned how to have more fun and to take time to enjoy the little things she loved. She no longer knew how to do that.

Eating and sleeping didn't come easily to her. Each mouthful turned to ashes and tasted flavourless until she could stomach it no longer. It's not like she could keep anything up anyway and usually ended up with her head over the toilet, spewing the few contents from her stomach as she was on her knees on Beatrix's bathroom floor.

The night was so much worse. As Lucy glanced at the pillow beside her that was empty, she sniffled through her silent sobs as she knew he would never lie beside her again. She'd never feel the way he pulled her into him in the night so he could hold her.

She wanted to feel close to him but didn't know how. Lucy couldn't even think about him without weeping, ending up on the floor on her knees and barely able to breathe. When that happened her tears fell so much that it seemed like they could form puddles, rivers, and even oceans.

Lucy hadn't gone near the things he had given her, in fear of the memory haunting her. She needed closure though, and to just feel connected to him in some way. Especially since she started her third trimester. Lucy didn't rejoice though, she only mourned. Mourned a life that would never be with a husband who was dead somewhere in a ravine.

Lucy figured she needed some form of closure if she were to gather enough of herself from the rubble and find the strength needed to raise a new baby.

Which is how she found herself on that summer's day in Brooklyn. She had walked up the stairs of a brown brick building, her heart thundering in her chest as she stood in front of the door.

Lucy looked back to the car her driver was waiting in. It glimmered in the midday sun, and Hilda sat in the back waiting for her. She smiled and urged her on with a motion of her hands. Hilda had offered to go with Lucy, but she knew it was something that had to be done on her own.

Lucy's eyes flashed to another truck down the street. Like her own car, it looked out of place in the less wealthy neighbourhood, where children walked by with holes in their shoes and tears in the knees of their pants. She paid no mind to it though.

Lucy looked back at the door and swallowed a lump in her throat before she mustered enough strength to raise her hand and knock on the paint-peeled door before her. For the first time in months, she had dolled herself up, wearing one of her finest casual dresses, a cardigan over top to stop the chill from the wind. Lucy smoothed out her skirt, acting flustered as she nervously tried to catch her breath.

Lucy realized she was still wearing sunglasses and quickly took them off, throwing them into her handbag and brushing her hair out of her face as she heard someone inside the building approaching where Lucy waited.

When the door finally opened Lucy could hardly speak as she stood there in shock, "Hi," She breathed out, her voice catching. Hardly able to move, it was like she was caught in tar.

The woman before her was thin but still healthy. She had an elegant face, with sharp cheekbones. Her eyes were light blue, and her dark brown hair had streaks of grey in it. She looked so willowy and beautiful, her long nimble fingers cleaned themselves on a cloth she had in her hand, signaling Lucy had interrupted her chores.

"Are you Winifred Barnes?" Lucy could hear a crack in her tone as she uttered Bucky's last name. She knew who she was, of course. The family resemblance was uncanny.

"I am. And you are?" She answered with a kind tone, although her eyebrows furrowed together curiously, wondering who the strange woman at her doorstep was.

Lucy paled, her heart hammering in her chest. She bit her lip and didn't know what to say for a moment, "Mrs. Barnes, my name is Dr. Heinrich. I'm—,"

"I know who you are," Winifred was suddenly smiling, realizing who was at her door as soon as she said the last name, "You're Lucy."

Lucy felt her throat tighten, "Yes," was all she could say.

Winifred smiled and the cloth in her hand fell as she placed her arms to the side. The two women looked at one another as they took each other in, not saying a word.

"Let me look at you, child." She requested curiously as her gaze raked her up and down, trying to see what type of woman her son had married.

Lucy stood taller, putting her shoulders back and trying to offer her the best smile she could muster. It felt forced though, and as she stared at her mother in law she felt as though she would once again cry. She did her best to be strong though, wanting to give the impression she wasn't completely broken.

Winifred looked at her and blinked a couple times in wonder as she took in who exactly was before her, "Beautiful," She choked out, her eyes welling with tears, "I can understand why James was so taken with you." She looked away, refusing to meet her eyes as they glassed over, "Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?"

Through gritted teeth and nails pressed in her palm so hard they drew blood, Lucy nodded, "That would be lovely." She shouldn't be there. She should leave while she still could, but something drew her into the home.

Lucy's breath caught as she walked into the simple apartment. She swallowed tightly as she saw little marks on the wooden door frame, signalling that growing children had lived there.

Lucy couldn't stand to see the initials that read J.B. So she turned away, only to be met with his bright eyes within the black and white pictures on the walls. A lump formed in her throat as she tried to keep her breathing even as she saw Bucky sitting on porch steps with a skinny Steve, ice cream all over their faces. They couldn't have been more than eight years old.

She heard Winifred venturing further in the house as Lucy took her time to look at the pictures, the woman called out, "I'm sorry about the state of the place. I haven't been much for taking visitors since I received the telegraph. If I have to see one more of his past teary-eyed sweethearts who read about what happens in the papers I'll go mad," Lucy hadn't noticed she had been lingering. Winifred had time to put on the kettle, but Lucy stayed in the entrance of the home, just staring up at the pictures on the wall and trying not to cry. She wiped away the few stray droplets that leaked down her cheeks as she looked at the painful pictures.

"But you already know about all of them, don't you? He was always getting into such trouble with the girls."

"How could he not with a face like that?" Lucy snorted as she looked at a picture of him in uniform. Her heart nearly stopped as she looked at it, thinking about how he wore the same officer's garbs the night they got married. It killed her a little bit to have to relive such sweet memories, only for them to be replaced with a longing ache for a future that would never be.

Winifred agreed with a chuckle, "Yes, my boy was so handsome. And he knew it too." She looked at Lucy with a curious expression, almost as though she didn't quite know what to make of her, "I have to say I was so shocked to receive his letter that he married you. Sometimes I worried he'd never settle down."

Lucy couldn't tear her gaze away from the pictures. She was one of him with dirt all over his face and two large bucked teeth that he hadn't grown into yet. He was wearing a paperboy hat and suspenders with patched up trousers. He looked so sweet and innocent, and it made Lucy's heart flutter to see a time before he had seen just suffering and evil in the world.

She wanted to reach out and touch the picture with the tips of her fingers but knew it would burn her if she did. So instead she turned away, unable to look at the pictures any longer.

"I'm sorry," Lucy swallowed nervously as she realized she hadn't been paying attention. It was like her feet couldn't move past those areas of pictures. She stayed in the hallway, unable to take that next step.

"It's strange, isn't it? Sometimes I think he's still out there and he'll come walking through the door any day now." She said as she leaned against the wall, her face solemn.

Lucy couldn't answer, fearing the flood that would follow if she opened her mouth. So instead she clamped her mouth shut as Winifred gestured with her head to come into the kitchen with her. Lucy eagerly followed, looking around all the cozy dining area with a scratched up table.

Distractedly, she answered a yes to Winifred's question of whether or not peppermint was fine.

Lucy didn't think twice before she removed her cardigan, placing it on the back of the chair before her. As Winifred looked over to her, she didn't take much stock of what was happening, choosing to focus on the tea as she got out a mug to set it on the counter.

When her eyes quickly glanced over Lucy's belly she had to do a double-take, her mouth falling open as she dropped the other mug in her hand. It slid past her fingers, crashing into the ground as pieces of glass scattered.

"Oh, let me help you!" Lucy exclaimed as she was ready to get on her hands and knees to help gather the broken shards.

"No!" Winifred exclaimed and held Lucy's arm to stop her. Tears welled in her eyes as she looked on in shock at Lucy's belly.

Lucy's mouth opened and closed as she realized what she had done. She shouldn't have said something beforehand and not been so careless, "I'm so sorry, I should cover up or warned you—,"

"No, please!" She sobbed, "Please don't apologize!" Winifred fell to her knees as she cried into her hands, "This is the most wonderful surprise I have ever seen. The greatest gift I could have ever hoped for. May I?" She asked Lucy as she tentatively reached her hand out to touch her stomach, pausing to get Lucy's consent.

"Of course! You're it's grandmother!" Lucy grabbed her hand and placed it on her belly where she was likely to feel it kick the most. Winifred burst out further into tears as her palms gently touched Lucy's stomach.

"Thank you," She sobbed, pressing her forehead to Lucy's belly, "Thank you for bringing something of him back with you,"

Lucy suddenly had tears streaming down her face as well. She could no longer help it.

"Did-Did he know?" Winifred stuttered, her lips trembling, "Did he know before he passed?"

Lucy pursed her lips and shook her head, "I didn't want to worry him. I was concerned he'd do something rash if he knew."

Winifred's eyes closed as she gently placed her forehead to Lucy's stomach. She was sobbing softly, trying to feel it kick. There was nothing though, but she didn't seem to mind. She just whispered sweet words to the baby, knowing she would have a chance to feel it kick later.

"If it's a boy... I was going to name it after him." Lucy pursed her lips, "James Gilbert Barnes."

"It's a fine name," Winifred wiped her hands as she stood up, trying to hide her tears as though she was embarrassed. "I always dreamed of having a grandchild. I always thought Rebecca would give me one first, though. Unless getting into trouble with all those girls finally caught up with James and there was a surprise baby."

"Well, this one was quite a surprise." Lucy assured her as she tried to help Winifred picking up the glass shards, but was quickly told to sit down and not to strain herself, "I had never umm… I never wanted to be a mother."

"Yes, James wrote in one of his letters that you were a career gal." She could hear some disapproval in her voice, but Lucy ignored it. She had thought she heard a bite in her tone, but Winifred smiled fondly as she finished sweeping the shattered glass, "I think he liked that about you. You weren't some lovey-dovey little school girl who just wanted to get married and have babies. He said you were unlike any woman he's ever met. You had ambition." She sighed as she set Lucy's tea in front of her, "What are you doing now after you have the baby?"

Steve had sent most of his money to Lucy with every paycheque he got. Lucy wrote to him and assured him it wasn't necessary, especially not with the Lee's paying for everything, and the little bit of money the army was still paying her due to Bucky's fall. She figured Steve felt guilty, though. He shouldn't. Lucy realized he wasn't at fault after that day and he was suffering just as much as she was.

"Columbia University heard my story about what I was doing overseas and they've invited me to teach a class once I'm able to." It wasn't a full time professing job as Lucy had wanted, but it was good enough for the meantime.

Winifred looked hesitant to ask, "Do you have any family to take care of it while you're working?" She was likely concerned about what Lucy would do with the baby when she began working, a twinge of disapproval once again in her voice but also intrigue as well.

"Two sisters. One's a mother of her own and a teacher. The other is… Well, she's a mess. She's not really suitable for looking after a baby, she lives a very busy lifestyle. My biological parents are dead, but my adopted parents are still alive, but they're getting older and have other responsibilities."

Winifred licked her lips, "Would it be so bold to ask if… If you would entrust me to look after it once your return to Columbia?" She asked hesitantly, scared of what Lucy would say. "I am only doing some seamstress work every now and then, James left enough money for us just in case something happened to him. So, if you would be willing, I'd love to spend time with my grandchild as you worked. It would… be like having him back again for a little while. Perhaps seeing ways they're similar at that young of age will help me."

Lucy was surprised she offered, blinking widely at her question, she nodded eagerly, knowing it was better than she could have ever thought of. After all, she didn't want a nanny to look after her little one if its grandmother was so willing, "Yes, I'd love that."

She looked grateful, her eyes softening as they filled to the brims. She wiped them away with her one hand, her other one reaching out to grab Lucy's warmly. She squeezed it tight in a comforting matter.

"Rebecca is having a hard time with… Well, you know. She idolized James, wanting to go everywhere he did. She didn't take the news of your nuptials particularly well, she didn't know if you would be good for him." She told her, although her words were quiet, as though she were embarrassed by her daughter's initial reaction.

"I wasn't good enough for him." Lucy quickly said, "Bucky… James," She said his real name for the first time in a while, her voice breaking, "He was the best part of me. I was a very different person before I met him. I was angry and broken, and he showed me I could be more than just my past."

She nodded slowly at Lucy's words, "You should give yourself more credit, dear. You likely had it in you all along. He just has a way of bringing out the best in people."

"Still," Lucy licked her lips, "She was right. I wasn't good enough for him. I didn't deserve him."

"Was he happy?"

Lucy could hardly breathe. Her eyes became glassy, and she barely whispered out with a small nod, "Yes," She liked to think so, anyway. She liked to think that each belly laugh and each small smile where his eyes would crinkle ever so slightly was reserved only for her.

"Then you were more than good enough for him," Winifred assured her gently.

Lucy's heart fluttered and she pressed her lips in a pursed smile. Feeling as though perhaps all this was too much for one day. Staring down at the tea she hadn't even touched, Lucy suddenly felt overwhelmed by everything she was feeling and all that had happened. She hadn't expected to come in for tea, only say a quick hello and introduce herself.

"I'm sorry, I should go, I wasn't planning on staying long. I just wanted to meet you." Lucy cleared her throat and began to stand up, hastily putting her cardigan back on but not doing it up all the way. "But thank you for this."

"You won't stay?" The woman frowned slightly, her face dropping, "you haven't even touched your tea, dear." She pointed out.

"I…" Lucy didn't know why she couldn't stay. It was just too much suddenly, being in Bucky's home and talking to his mother, feeling as though his ghost still haunted the hallways, "I'm sorry, it's just been a lot."

Winifred nodded in understanding, somehow knowing what Lucy meant, she got to her feet and prepared to see Lucy out. As Lucy readied herself, she stopped in her tracks as another voice made itself known, "Ma! Have you seen my flat paintbrush? All I can find are Steve's that he left and they're—," A young girl came down the stairs from the second story of the building. She froze in her steps as soon as she saw Lucy, looking her up and down. Lucy knew it was Rebecca immediately, and she stood there with her fists in her skirt, feeling like an intruder in their lives. "Who's this?" Rebecca asked hesitantly, seeing a stranger in her home. Lucy recognized the glimmer of trouble in her eyes which seemed to be a Barnes family trait.

"Rebecca, this is Lucy." Rebecca just stood there, not revealing anything to Lucy in her expression. She just kept everything stoic as she stared at Lucy curiously.

"Lucy as in Bucky's wife?" She asked her mother, and before Lucy could even answer her eyes widened in realization, "You're pregnant?" Rebecca took in Lucy's stomach, noting the bump under her dress. Again, there was nothing in her expression except for a little shock as she let out a small gasp.

Winifred's words rang in Lucy's head about how Rebecca wasn't sure she was good enough for Bucky. She tried to approach the subject delicately, "Yes, I know it's a little bit of a shock, but—," Before another word could leave Lucy's mouth, Rebecca shot back up the stairs in a run. Her shoes clicked behind her as she quickly ran in the other direction back where she had come from.

Lucy's lips pursed and she pretended to not be hurt, although the reality was that her feelings were a little stung.

"She'll warm up to you. It might just take her some time. She's never been too keen on strangers, let alone any of the girls James brought to the house." Winifred assured her, gently placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Trying to fake a pursed grin, Lucy nodded and tried to say she understood. Feeling unwelcome, she gathered her things and was readying herself for leave. Mrs. Barnes was telling her to come back any day she wanted, and to keep them posted on any news of the baby and when her due date was.

Lucy agreed, preparing to go when a voice rang out. "Wait!" Rebecca called out and bounded down the hall with something in her hand. She clutched at it tightly, and Lucy's eyebrows were cocked in curiosity at the girl's sudden reaction to stopping her from leaving.

In her hand was a few pieces of paper. Lucky looked at them curiously and her eyebrows furrowed together as she wondered what they were. "I'm sorry for running off. I just thought you should have these, they're about you." She told Lucy, handing her the couple envelops of weathered paper. Lucy looked down in shock, so utterly grateful for such a gift, "There are more you can always read some other time. But these were the ones that stood out the most." Rebecca offered her a small smile, and although the paper in Lucy's hands as light as a feather or felt as though it weighed a ton.

She cleared her throat and quickly thanked Rebecca for giving them to her to read. Lucy had his other letters, of course, but often craved more. She wanted to see his messy scrawl and how he looped his letters. She wanted to read it and imagine his soft Brooklyn drawl which she missed so terribly. It used to be her favourite sound in the entire world.

As Lucy prepared to leave, Rebeccas hastily asked, "Could you, umm… Maybe take me to the MET one day? So we can get to know one another? Buck promised me we would go after he got back from the war because I liked to paint. He mentioned in one of his letters that you like art too."

Lucy had to blink back tears, "I'd like that very much," Rebecca hadn't run upstairs because she couldn't bear to see her. It was just because she wanted to give her the letters. Lucy realized she could be close to his family one day and allow her child to have a relationship with them warmed her heart for the first time in months.

And she departed and said goodbye, for the first time since Bucky's death, she felt like she might be able to manage life without him. It would be painful and brutal and she would just barely get through it. At least she now knew she wasn't alone in the world.

Lucy looked up and down the street, trying to find where her driver and Hilda were parked. There were only two vehicles and she eventually spotted them a little way up the block, as well as the sheen of the other black truck that was still waiting on the corner.

Lucy wasn't ready to talk to Hilda yet about what happened and instead tucked into a little alcove, hastily opening the first letter in fear that if she didn't she would go mad.

Her heart raced as she saw his handwriting and she had to hold her hand to her mouth to try to contain her tears.

September 16th, 1943

Dear Ma and Becca,

I'm glad Molly finally had her kittens. Rebecca must be ecstatic after having waited so long. Pick out the feistiest one to keep from the batch, and then make sure one goes to Mrs. Wilkinson a couple units down, will you? I think she's lonely, especially now that her son has passed.

Things aren't so good here, but I appreciate you asking. It can't say much, but it's hot and bleak, and the mosquitoes are something straight out of hell.

Speaking of something straight of hell; I've been put on a team with the dreaded 'It's Doctor to You' Lucy Heinrich. I'm almost positive she's Lucifer reincarnated.

And she's got a mouth on her so foul that it makes even some of the fella's look tame. I suppose she is rather smart though, and a couple other guys think she's a looker.

I might have thought so too if it weren't for her awful personality.

I miss home a lot and look forward to hearing from you soon. Give Steve my regards, and make sure he's keeping out of trouble. The little punk probably is still getting beat up in alleyways.

Your loving son and brother,

J.B. Barnes.

Lucy huffed at reading his description of her, but she couldn't help but have a small grace her lips as well. She chuckled and shook her head at his colourful words.

She had known they had driven each other crazy, and even after they were married they still had their small spats and arguments. Lucy didn't want to be married to someone she agreed with all the time though, and she knew the reason behind their difference of opinion and how they drove one another up the wall only added to their passion. Whenever she would mouth off to him he would kiss her hard to shut her up, soon making them forget all their anger until they could talk about it more calmly.

Lucy's eyes were damp and her hands shook as she read his words. She didn't know how she could manage reading the others without trembling, but she felt like something from the letters was calling her to read them.

October 23rd, 1943.

Dear Ma and Becca,

To answer your question: no, the food is not good and they don't serve us Italian. It's mostly bland and boring but enough to sustain us. I've gotten used to the coffee, though. The lack of flavour sure makes me miss Sunday night roasts after church. Nothing in the entire world beats it.

I've been put on a team with Dr. Heinrich — Satan's mistress herself. The mission is classified, of course, and I won't have access to mailing services or stationary while I'm away. Don't be worried if you don't hear from me for a bit.

She's not as bad as I thought. A little spitfire, and she's got more balls than half this army. Kinda an elitist snob though, but we're getting along a whole lot better. Her hair smells really nice, and it's the first time in a while where I don't constantly have the stench of blood in my nostrils.

I taught her to shoot a gun earlier, and she actually is beginning to seem more human than monster. She likes Van Gogh's Sunflowers and says the yellow makes her happy. So, she and Becca would get along just fine I'm assuming, given how Becca's favourites to paint are always done is the god awful colour. You two would probably get a real kick out of making my life miserable.

I'll write when I can. Look out for one another, and know I think of you and home every day.

Take care,

J.B. Barnes.

Lucy's heart softened as she choked back her soft sobs. She had grinned halfway through the letter, even though it pained her. Her fingertips ran over his writing, wishing he was there with her. She would have kicked his ass for calling her Satan's Mistress. She missed him more than anything in the world though and reading his letters only reminded her that he was no longer there but she would always have a piece of him with her.

January 20th, 1944.

Dearest Ma,

I'm sorry my letters have been scarce, I'll try to write more now that I'm in London. It's nice to not have someone shooting at me for once now that we're away from the front.

Dr. Heinrich — Well, Lucy, as I call her now — is the reason I'm still alive. She's the most incredible woman I've ever met. She's so smart, Ma. She's so smart, and beautiful, and she's just everything. Becca thought that's perhaps from some of my letters I was sweet on her. She was right.

I love her, and last night I made her my wife.

I know reading that will come off as a shock, and you perhaps may even think I made a mistake. Especially when you hear where the ceremony took place. Don't worry about me, though. This may be the first time in my life I'm thinking clearly.

You may be upset, especially since I know you were hoping I would one day marry Arlene. The silver lining is at least you'll finally get those grandchildren you keep pestering me for!

I truly do love her, and she's my best friend. I know you all will get along well, and I can't wait to bring her home. At the moment she's sleeping peacefully on the bed, and I think I really did die while I was in Austria. Because I'm positive this is heaven.

I miss you, and I can't wait for you to meet Lucy.

-J. B. Barnes.

Lucy didn't realize the trails of soft tears that were dripping onto the letter until she wiped her cheek and felt the wetness on her fingertips.

After folding up the letters and placing them in their envelope for safekeeping, Lucy looked out into the streets of Brooklyn and took in a deep breath of the fresh summer air. She looked around and saw children playing in the streets and smiled, for once not even cringing as she heard their screams and laughter.

Nothing could exactly change her mood at that moment. Especially as she looked back down at the stationary and saw 'I love her' written in Bucky's messy scrawl. She read it over and over again, trying to commit it to memory of each little loop his writing took, and how he pressed the pen to the paper a little too hard and went through it. The one thing Lucy was most sure of in her entire life was that he loved her with everything he had. The letter only confirmed it, and it made her heart well up.

She recalled the morning she had caught him writing that letter. Lucy had woken up so see him sitting at the chair in front of the desk in the hotel room. He was facing away from her, tapping his pen away as though he was deep in thought. He looked relaxed as he leaned back in his chair, musing himself and reveling in the quiet of the room. His upper half was bare, revealing his strong shoulders and back to her as he ran a hand through his messy chocolate locks.

Lucy remembered how she couldn't resist going over and kissing him, feeling if she didn't that she would go completely mad if she didn't have her lips on his skin. As Lucy thought about it and smiled at that moment she felt the little peanut inside her kick.

It was then when she realized that even though she no longer had Bucky, she wouldn't be alone. Not when she had such great friends and family, and not when she had their little one of the way. Finally recognizing that Lucy whispered down at her stomach, "It's going to be alright," Her hand brushed over the swell of her belly rest against it gently, "We still have each other."

Lucy said a quick promise to Bucky as she folded up the letters and placed her lips to them in a kiss, her eyes closing shut as she silently swore to him that she would become all that she needed to be for their child. Their baby would never want for anything, and Lucy would love it the way its father would have loved it — with her entire being. After all, it was his final gift to her.

Although she was scared, Bucky believed in her. If that was the case, Lucy could manage to believe in herself too. Deciding on that she straightened herself up and pulled her shoulders back as she composed her appearance by wiping away the wetness on her cheeks. She walked up to the car slowly, her driver getting out so he could quickly get the door for her. Lucy thanked him with a smile and got in the back seat.

Hilda was there waiting with a smile. She had a book in her hand, having occupied her time with it while Lucy was meeting the Barnes. She had come as emotional support for Lucy and wanted to be there for her even if it meant sitting in the vehicle. "So, how did it go?" She asked cheerfully as Lucy settled herself in the back and got comfortable.

Lucy managed her best grin, and for the first time in a long time, it was genuine. "Good," She said truthfully.

"Were they surprised to see how large you are?" She asked innocently, unaware of how her words came off.

"Large?! I'm not large!" Lucy laughed at Hilda's awful comment as the driver began to pull away. Lucy felt them moving, getting more comfortable as they began to head home back in Queens.

"Yes, you are! You're like an elephant! Your ankles even look like theirs too." She teased back, sticking her tongue out.

"You deserve a good smack on the bottom for that, you rotten child." Lucy threatened her and Hilda only giggled at her joke.

"Good luck trying to catch me." She retorted, "You can't move as quickly as I can with that big belly of yours."

Lucy slapped Hilda's thigh lightly, making her cry out in pain. She only rolled her eyes at Hilda's insistence she wasn't actually that big, and how she still looked beautiful and was only teasing. After she was finished with her apology, she asked Lucy if she felt any better.

"Maybe. I think it helped. I think maybe in a bit it will eventually not be so hard. Right now it's still fresh. But I know it will get easier." Like with Daniel, Lucy knew the pain would dull. It would never go away though; not for him, anyway.

"What's in your hands?" Holds frowned.

"His letters that he wrote about me. They're sweet. It… Made me feel closer to him to read it and more ready for the baby. Although, I suppose it made me miss him more."

Hilda reached over to grab her hand tightly, she gave it a soft squeeze as she assured Lucy, "I miss him too."

With a long sigh, Lucy shrugged, beginning to feel frustration. "I wish I wasn't so much of a coward. I wish I told him about the baby before he left. Maybe then he wouldn't have gone."

With pursed lips and a sympathetic look, Hilda gently spoke, "You can't live in the past. The best thing now is to look to the future."

Hilda had wisdom beyond her years, and Lucy was thankful to have had such a friend in dark times like these. It gave her comfort and made her think that perhaps she was actually capable of taking on the hardships before her.

Despite everything that had happened in the war, Lucy would never trade it for the world. Meeting Hilda, Elsa, Peggy, and Steve was something she would never regret. She would never have traded what happened to her.

And falling in love with Bucky? It was all worth all the pain just to experience it, even if their time was short.

As Lucy thought about it she sighed as she watched the sun go down from her car window, the sky fading from a deep yellow into red. It was like paint stretched across a canvas, shifting into something else and leaving traces of what it used to be behind.

Just as she turned to tell Hilda thank you for all she had done, a glimmer caught her eye in the window beside Hilda.

A sudden impact hit them, and Lucy felt what resembled the pain of a bullet in the chest.

The black truck she had seen earlier had hit them head-on, causing the air to leave Lucy's lungs.

She felt another impact behind her, realizing a second vehicle had collided into them as well. The glass shattered everywhere as they went flying, for a split moment everything slowed down. Lucy could see Hilda's neck snap back as they flipped in the air. Blood ran down her nose, staining her porcelain skin. The glass that fell cut her cheek, creating deep gashes.

Everything returned back to regular time as the car flipped over, crashing and decimating everything in its wake until it finally against a storefront after it had felt like they were falling forever. Smoke billowed from it, creating a dark grey cloud. Lucy coughed up blood, splattering it against the leather interior of the car. Her entire body ached, and as she tried to look around through her blurry vision, she noticed everything was upside down.

Undoing the belt around her waist, she couldn't hear herself call out Hilda's name. She fell to the roof of the car which was now on the bottom, landing clumsily and crying out.

She could feel the stickiness of blood all over her. She screamed in pain as she felt a twinge in her side. She could hardly breathe from the smoke she was inhaling and the blood filling her lungs. She crawled along the roof of the car to get to Hilda, trying to call out for her driver as well only to go unanswered.

Lucy couldn't move anything below her lower body and had to use her arms to propel her forward so she could gently take Hilda's face in her hands. Blank eyes stared back at her and suddenly Lucy couldn't see through her tears. She could see a long shard of metal impaling Hilda through the chest, causing her dress to bloom with a red flower until it dripped down onto the floor where Bucky's letter lay scattered.

Lucy winced as another searing pain ran through her side, feeling as though it were a hot brand against her skin. She screamed, although she couldn't even hear herself do so, as something shot through her, feeling as though there was something within her that was broken.

Feeling a rush of something warm under her, Lucy's hands moved between her legs under her skirt. When she pulled away all she was red and she grit her teeth to muffle her screaming as she realized what was happening to the child inside her. It was dying, and so was she.

Blood began pooling under her and she coughed again, trying to pull herself out of the wreck. She choked on the liquid filling out her mouth, coughing it up, and painting the exterior with crimson. Flames licked at her, kissing her already tender skin.

Pain engulfed Lucy, and as she tried to crawl out the window, her vision began to fade as she felt her heart rate falling to a few slow beats per minute. It felt as though she was moving through molasses, and each breath felt as though it would be her last.

Lucy's eyes began to close as she no longer had the strength to get out of the decimated vehicle. Her breath began to fall, but not before she was able to pull herself partially out of the broken window, her breath wheezing with each pained intake. The red setting sun blinded her, stopping her from staring up at what laid before her.

The last thing she saw before her hazel orbs finally closed shut were two sets of leather shoes stalking towards the wreck slowly, as though they weren't concerned with the flaming car and the people who were dead or dying inside it. They sauntered over, halting just before the demolished metal, their gleaming shoes against the dark concrete flooded with crimson puddles.

Their voices were muffled, but she could vaguely make out what was being said. In low raspy tones, a language she recognized echoed in her head. Before Lucy's eyes closed shut and she swallowed whole by the darkness, heart rate falling to nothing as she heard them mutter a single sentence…

"Это то, что мы искали." This is the one we've been looking for.


/End of The Red Mistress Book One/