Chapter 18: What do I really feel? Pt.1

After a few drinks of water to calm himself, Alucard made his way to his father's old study. However, the moment he got to the door, he hesitated. Flashbacks of his childhood came back to him as he recalled the many times his father would let him sit on his knee as he told stories and lessons of old to the young boy. Despite the aching in his heart, Alucard inhaled deeply, exhaled sharply and gently opened the door to the room. It was practically untouched save for the few papers that littered the floor, more than likely the result of what happened with Sypha moving the castle, causing much of a mess. He then thought that this was fixed after Crina used her restoration circle, however, concidering that he wasn't near this place during his fight with his father and that he hasn't been in there since his mother was executed, it would make sense now to find the room like this. Sighing a bit, he decided to clean up the room, taking all the books he could find, setting them in the hallway while gathering loose papers and scrolls. He also gave a hum when he saw an inkwell that spilled on the carpet he was standing on.

'That's gonna need a lot of work to repair' he said to himself.

He continued to work on organizing the study and cleaning up the mess for roughly an hour to an hour and half before the room started to look more like a study. It wasn't a large room, but it wasn't like a closet either. It was roughly the size of a butler's quarters in a mansion, with many shelves holding different books and chests filled with scrolls. There was also a special chest off to the side that was holding the letters that both Dracula and Lisa exchanged to each other before they got married. Despite the darkness within the room and the dim light of the candles adorned on the walls, there was a ceiling window that let in the light, or in this case, rising moonlight, and filled the room to where it was brightest. Furniture made from ebony wood and crafted in traditional Gothic style graced the room with a chair that was worthy of a vampire king sitting behind the desk. Looking at the floor, a single book was left among those that were meant to be picked up and put away, and it was the largest book in the room, Dracula's personal diary.

Set in blood red leather and bound by metal, it was indeed intimidating, worthy of Dracula's library for sure. But what was most intimidating was the dragon head that adorned the front cover. Crafted with metal as well and designed so that the dragon appeared to be charging at you with mouth open and small metal teeth bared ready to bite its victim, the book itself was not for the soft hearted to say the least. However, what mattered most to Alucard were the pages inside the book as he picked it up and held it in his hand. But just as he started to turn to put the book back on the desk, a soft sound caught the young dhampir's ears. He looked to the ground and there before him was one small envelope with the name 'Adrian' on it, making his eyes widen a bit in surprise but then narrow in suspicion. Why was a letter for him inside his Father's diary? He set the book down on the desk and then picked up the envelope, looking closely at the handwriting and the wax seal on the back. The seal carried his father's coat of arms but the handwriting was no doubt that of his mothers.

'A letter from Mother?!' Alucard thought to himself, feeling a sudden ache in his chest from his last memory of her. 'She must have written this before her death…' he added.

Sitting himself at his father's desk, Alucard gently broke the wax seal and unfolded the letter, being careful not to be too hard in opening it. Once he did, he did a quick overlook, seeing that this was written in the year 1475, but dated a few months before her death. Immediately he turned the letter so that the contents were hidden and took a deep breath. The deaths of his parents were still fresh in his mind, and their loss was still hard on his heart and conscious. Seeing this brought back familiar feelings, but he worked to calm himself before he got up to grab a nearby candelabra to place on the desk and slowly turned the letter over, bracing himself for what his mother had written to him.

_ _, 1475

To my beloved son Adrian,

If you are reading this, then it is likely that I have passed away earlier than what was intended to be. Perhaps it was due to an illness, or it may be that I just died in my sleep with no apparent reason. Call me silly, but I felt that I should at least leave you something meaningful behind in case you find yourself lost or even at a crossroad.

I don't know how many years or even centuries have passed by the time you read this letter, but hopefully during this time, you are living happily with your father, or perhaps you are traveling to live your own life away from the castle. I just certainly hope that you've managed to find some friends who are willing to accept you for you and who are not afraid of your bright smile. I know that your childhood has been rough in which you couldn't interact with anyone due to your vampiric heritage, but I do hope that fate and time have been good to you. While this may be my last message to you written out of worried haste, I wanted to write to you about something that I hope and pray happens at least once during your immortal life, finding or falling in love.

You may not be interested in such things by this time, or maybe you have already found someone to love. Regardless, and taking a small leap of faith, I'm going to guess that you have yet to find it, as it took your father several centuries of lonely living before our paths crossed. However, if you have found love, I just hope that I can provide some advice in rekindling that relationship between you and your loved one. While I cannot give advice that is unique to your relationship, I do hope I can give generic advice using an example, that being the bond I formed with your father.

When it comes to love, nothing is better than the growing love between friends. Your father and I started out as friends, mainly due to our shared interest in the sciences and our thoughts on humanity. I will admit, there were times when I was intimidated by him, but I learned that his way was due to his life before I met him. Over time, we learned from each other, about ourselves, about how we see the world, about our dreams for the future, all of which we shared without any lack of trust. Eventually, there even comes a point where the strangest things about ourselves becomes the other's curious fascination, more so your father than me, but I did have my moments. During times when I had to leave, your father was always on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about him, almost like a part of me was left with him, and my desire to be near him again grew more intensely as time went by, and apparently, he felt the same. As a result of us discovering our true feelings, and this is embarrassing to say, but we ended up becoming intimate after just a few months together, which ended in me becoming pregnant with you. While I have no true regrets about that, I only wished we waited a bit longer before children and then marriage, and yes, I was pregnant with you when we got married. Normally couples wait a few months, maybe a year to move to marriage and children, but it seems that we were just perfect for each other that it happened all so fast. What resulted in our rushed relationship was over 20 of the best years of my life, one that I have no regrets about. Despite the darker times, I have never felt happier than when I was with you and your father.

I suppose I should get to summing up my letter to you. My conclusion to these lessons of love is the following: Take things slow, be friends before lovers. Get to know each other before getting too intimate. Only become intimate if you're both comfortable, but be sure to save children for after marriage. It isn't always blue skies and sunny days, but if you work together, you can make stormy times seem brighter. If you need to take a few steps back after rough times, take them as long as you work to fix your relationship. And above all, always strive to make each other happy. No marriage is perfect, but as long as both of you are there for each other, it will slowly become something even more than what you expected.

As far as love from a human standpoint, this is the best advice I can give to you, my son. I'm sure your father has written you a letter on his standpoint on love somewhere in the castle. Or perhaps he has given you advice face to face, which I hope he doesn't go too in depth into, if you understand my worry. He may be a man of science, but sometimes scientific explanations don't always need to be so specific. Either way, while I may not be around by the time you read this letter, always remember that your mother loves you and that I will always be watching over you.

With love for all eternity,

Your Mother,

Lisa

Alucard felt his hands shaking as he reread the letter again and again, eyes becoming blurred by the tears forming within them before finally putting the letter down and softly sobbing into his hands as the thought of his mother's voice speaking to him triggered his sadness and guilt again. He missed his mother terribly, especially after the death of his father by his hands. But seeing this letter brought him some peace as she did have a final message for him, one that wished for his happiness and for him to find someone to love, just as how she found love and happiness in his father. After a few more moments of crying, he dried his tears and looked to the end of the letter at his mother's name, thinking about what she wrote him.

'But…do I have someone like that?' he thought to himself. 'Do I have someone in my life that makes me feel that way?' he added.

He thought back to recent events, more specifically after he woke up from his vault in Gresit. The first two people he came across, Trevor and Sypha. At first they were nothing but allies to him, united by both a legend and a common goal. But over time, though he won't admit it, they did become something of friends to him, so much so that he wished they had stayed. He did care for them, but he didn't feel a sense of love for them, not in what his mother was speaking of. Well, Sypha could've been that, but she was for Trevor and the vampire hunter was more of a stubborn but caring brother figure, even though he would never admit it. Of course there was Sumi and Taka, but they just used him for their own self gain. He quickly pushed them aside.

But then he though to the past month, and how much had happened in such a short amount of time. He thoughts turned to Crina and when they first met and how quickly they became friends, finding similarities in both interests and family members, more specifically her grandfather. The fact that she wanted to earn his trust for the sake of her grandfather, only for the grandfather to ask him to help her instead, it was rather ironic to him, but he didn't care about that as he was happy to oblige. His thoughts also turned to Maria and her invitation to come by whenever he pleased, which reminded him of the warmth his mother gave him. He thought of Nero. Even though their interaction was short lived, it sounds like he would be interesting to talk to, or at least funny. He also thought of Alister and Yohei and how they helped in opening his eyes to the fact that there are more than just him in the world. He had yet to see the Gateway, but he would save his thoughts for it later. His mind continued to wonder when he realized something from his mother's letter.

'Wait, Mother did say that Father must have written a letter on his perspective of love…I wonder where it could be…' he said to himself as he started to look around the study.

He started with the book in front of him and he flipped through the pages, until he found something strange close to the center of the book. Finding the page, he opened it to find another letter, this one slightly larger in size. Pulling it out and examining it closely, he saw that this was another letter to him, this time written in his father's handwriting with a wax seal of the Tepes family crest on the back.

"This must be it…" Alucard said, gently looking the letter over.

Sitting back in the chair, he gently broke the seal and started to unfold the letter, revealing a letter filled with his father's handwriting, all written in the year 1474, but the paper gave an indication that it came from a different area, possibly someplace further north such as Braila.

'He must have written this during one of his many travels to learn about humans', Alucard thought to himself. Taking another deep breath, he then started to read the letter from his father.

_ _, 1474

Adrian, my son,

While I find this idea silly, your mother was insistent that I take part in this little game of writing letters for the future. I don't even know if you'll read this, but perhaps someday while cleaning up the castle, you'll come across this little trinket of a message. I'm not even sure about what to write to you that I haven't already told you, but if I must, I suppose I should give advice on something, and your mother gave a silly yet interesting topic. 'Write a letter on how a vampire finds love' she told me. To be honest, I did find it interesting, as not many vampires, at least to my knowledge, had married humans, let alone have children, as your mother and I did. While all I can give is my perspective, perhaps it may be helpful for the future, even though love is not that alien to our species. After all, almost all vampires, including myself, were once human, and I can clearly recall being married even before I became a vampire. Just, don't tell your mother that last part as I never told her and have no intention of telling her. In any case, while I am not the best at giving advice, I certainly will try, just don't set expectations too high, at least not yet.

To start, I don't recall much of my married life as a human, mostly due to my anger at god blinding me and in a way, overwriting my memories, so sadly I can't give a human perspective, but I'm sure your mother will come up with something on that. However, what I do recall when I first met your mother was that she was different from other humans that I have met, not being afraid of my presence, let alone my fangs, even going so far as to say I had no manners, which is partly true. In any case, we bonded through our common interests and even though our ideals were not the same with how we view humanity, I learned to compromise with your mother to at least be on a good level with her. However, as time went by, strange emotions started to grow within me, such as empathy, kindness, generosity, all of which were buried deep within me after the loss of my first love. And along with those emotions came something else, a desire for contact, or as some vampires would put it, a 'lust' for company, or hormonal reaction as I would like to put it. Regardless, with meditation and distraction, such as reading or going through the different elements of science, it helped me overcome my 'lust'. Only when your mother grew comfortable with more intimate actions, such as her holding my waiting arm as we walked, moving hair out of her face or even touching her hair, and silly little actions like that did the lust slowly calm itself and love began to grow in its place. And, as I'm sure your mother will write the same thing, that growth did evolve into sexual activity, so much so that we got intimate not too long after we confessed our love. I suppose the suppression of lust eventually built up to that, and there were times when I wish we waited until after marriage to have children, but even so I have no regrets about it. I had never experienced fatherhood in my previous marriage, so it was a new experience for me, but that may be for another time. I suppose I should get to the summary of this letter then.

As far as advice on love, I will keep the lessons short and simple. First, be sure to find someone who is not afraid of your vampiric nature, one who can accept your differences. Second, be sure that person shares common interests as you, as it is easier to communicate with someone like your mother than one who is like a bishop. Find ways to control your lust as there are times when hormones will react because of such a person and hold it back until your partner is more comfortable with the idea. Seek out meditation and reading to help you as they have helped me. And if they don't, should you have made friends by the time you read this, which I do hope you do as your life has been rather lonely, perhaps they can give you advice as well. Just make sure it's not any of those disgusting humans that see themselves as better than others. Anyway, back to the advice, make sure to treat your partner with respect and kindness as they will do the same with you. And I suppose the best advice that I can give is to strive to make sure your partner is the happiest that they can be, as they in turn will do the same for you.

Again, I may not be the best at giving advice, but I do hope that this helps you in some way. Either way, I'm sure that by the time you read this, you will already know what to do, as your mother and I raised you well. I'm proud of how far you have come, my son, and I do think from time to time of what you may become. But, there are times when, as a father, I do worry about how the humans around you will change you. However, if there are people like your mother out there, then perhaps you will do just fine. While I am a proud and sometimes stubborn vampire, as your mother puts it, nothing makes me feel more proud than the almost 20 years that I have spent with you and your mother and I am willing to swallow my pride and pray that you find yourself happiness as well, as life is better spent with company, be it family or friends. Anyway, I hope this advice comes to aid you one day, despite how poorly it is written. And always know that your father, the fearsome and intimidating Vlad Dracula Tepes, loves you dearly, my pride and joy, and I am always hoping the best for you.

With love,

Your father,

Dracula

Alucard felt the same emotions coming back from when he read his mother's letter, eyes blurring from the tears he felt coming on and soft sobs emitting from his throat, all while the emotions of missing his father filled his heart. It wasn't as He took a moment to let the tears out but then reread the letter, trying to see if he understood his father's advice. It took him a few tries, but he finally figured out what his father was saying and it did make sense to him, since both his parents raised him to be a gentleman.

'It seems that Father was right, Mother is better at giving advice, but he did make an effort, so grade for effort, I suppose' Alucard thought to himself.

After thinking about the advice that both of his parents gave, his thoughts turned back to Crina. She did accept him for who he was, as she was no stranger to vampires, let alone dhampirs. She also believed in science, being an alchemist's daughter and using some of it herself. In a way, Crina did remind him of his mother, but she had her own charm that made her stand out because he knew that his mother was NOT a fighter, except maybe of illnesses, but that was beside the point. Either way, the more he thought about Crina, the more he realized that he couldn't stop thinking about her.

'… I couldn't stop thinking about him, almost like a part of me was left with him, and my desire to be near him again grew more intensely as time went by…'

The words from his mother's letter came back to him at that moment, making him realized that he did feel incomplete without her. The more he thought of her, the more he wanted to see her again, to see her smile, to hear her voice, to taste her cooking, to hear her thoughts, everything. He thought back to all the time he spent with her. How she listened to his fears of being alone for eternity, tending to him when he passed out after the restoration circle, cooking all the wonderful food for him, welcoming him into her family, teaching him more about dhampirs and all the rest that she has done with him. He thought about how gentle she can be, such as when she dried his tears after her first night at the castle, how she often made sure that he was comfortable with ideas before moving forward with anything, and overall, just trying to take things slow as she knew that he had that bad experience with Sumi and Taka. He also thought about her personality, intelligent, humble, kindhearted, witty, family-oriented, cautious, all that she is, he was proud to have as a friend. And her looks matched her personality, even though she wasn't very keen on vanity in the first place. How he sometimes wished that he could run his hand through her raven locks or put his hand gently against her face just as how she did to him some time ago. The thought of even touching her or holding her did make his heart race a bit, but he put that purely to hormones, yet when he told himself that, something felt…off. Like what he said about that wasn't right.

'… the lust slowly calm itself and love began to grow in its place…'

His father's words came to him and while he didn't get intimate with her yet, he did feel this sense of lust coming over him when he did think of Crina. But he pushed that aside before any erotic thoughts could come to his head.

After a bit more deduction, deliberation and consideration, there was just one conclusion that Alucard could make from his strange behavior:

He's fallen in love with the granddaughter of his grandfather figure and his now closest and most precious friend, Crina Lupo.

'…I'm so fucked…' Alucard thought to himself as he ran a hand through his hair and gave a small groan of both realization and slight agitation. 'How could it have happened so fast?' he added, recalling that his mother wanted him to take time to have the bond grow, but he couldn't help it. In just a month, he already started to feel like he's falling in love, which is way too soon.

However, the more he thought about this, he then thought again about their time together and the more he recalled those times, the more he came to another conclusion. His parents fell in love and married in a little less than a year, so maybe this sort of thing runs in the family. Just then a pang of doubt made its way into his mind, but he shook his head.

'Regardless, I can't let Crina know about this. It's too soon and she may not even feel the same way. She's still scarred by what happened to Lumin, but maybe if I give her time, perhaps she will feel comfortable enough to move on. And if she says no, then I must accept it, even if my heart breaks at the thought, I must respect her decision. Either way, I will still be there for her, no matter what happens. Just as Mother said, nothing is better than the growing love between friends' He thought to himself, a smile growing on his face as his thoughts lingered.

He then looked up toward the ceiling dome at the moon shining through.

'However, it will be hard…because…' he trailed off in his thoughts, eyes never leaving the moon as his mind comes to its final conclusion.

Notes:

ANNNNNNNNNND CLIFFHANGER!

Alrighty! Somewhat short chapter, I think. So I have this split into two parts. First we have Alucard, who kept blaming these strange emotions on his hormones, but I figured that he needed some clarification as to what he was feeling. It just seemed like him to try and figure out a scientific reason for why he was feeling this way, turning to his father's work for answers, but I figured that he just needed advice from his parents, hence the letters. I apologize if this doesn't make too much sense as I had a hard time writing Dracula's letter. It took a lot of effort, but I finally got it to a result I liked, and I hope you do too. I apologize also if Dracula seems a little ooc here, but I figured that this would be Dracula the father instead of Dracula the vampire king writing to his son. Either way, I hope you all like this chapter and enjoy Alucard's discovery of newly recognized love. Crina's part will be the next chapter, so be prepared!

Now for some fun facts.
-This scene is heavily based on the anime Violet Evergarden, one of my all time favorite animes. To be more specific, this scene is inspired by episode 10. I won't spoil it, but if you watch the episode to the very end, you'll see what I mean. Just make sure to have a box of tissues, or two...or ten. It's really sad, but it's so meaningful and the perfect inspiration for this chapter.
-With the whole idea of hormones, I wanted to try and play with this a little. Since most of the vampire stories we know of are about women who get seduced by vampires, I figured that it would be a common trait for vampires to feel somewhat seductive and hormonal around humans, but it was the hardest to convey in this chapter without it becoming too weird or not making any sense. However, if it does seem weird, please let me know and I will try to reword it.
- The part of Dracula's letter saying that he was once married is inspired by Lament of Innocence where Dracula's past life as Mathias Cronqvist as Leon Belmont's best friend and being married to Elisabetha. I figured that any mention of her would bring back rage and anger to Dracula. As for not mentioning it to Lisa, I took inspiration from my own father, who was in a terrible relationship with another woman when he met my mother, but he never told her until years later when he told me first. No details here and please don't ask about it. ^^;
-The cover of Dracula's diary was inspired by the book in the prologue of Castlevania Lords of Shadow 2. Since Dracula wears the same colors as that book, I figured that it would be suitable for his study.
-The box of letters that is in Dracula's study was inspired by a series of videos on youtube called 'Letters from Lisa', an ASMR series by Baby Dragon art and ASMR on youtube. I recommend checking out her channel for more videos and ASMR. I made a playlist on my youtube channel of 'Letters from Lisa', here is a link if anyone is interested. Let me know if the link doesn't work. playlist?list=PL3Xlz5-swiOw3rCBblPz1A6Hvh_uqcXuB
-Forgot one! The long blanks in the letters are empty dates as we don't know the exact time Lisa was burned at the stake, so I decided to leave that up to the fans. The same for Dracula's letter.

And I think that's it.
By the way, I do have a question for you dear readers. Feel free to answer if you wish, but no pressure, as this is just mere curiosity from author to fans.
If Crina were to have a voice actor, who do you think would be good for her?

Anyway, feel free to answer if you wish and stay tuned for the next chapter. I'll get it up as soon as I can so please look forward to the next chapter.