Lily stood before the full-length mirror she had on the back of her closet door. She ran her hands along the surface of her black dress, green eyes bloodshot from tears. The past week felt like a dream. No, a dream was the wrong word. It felt like a nightmare she could never wake up from. Like her life had become an endless stream of tears and funeral plans.
She ran her fingers through her shoulder length red hair, slicking it back behind her ears. She might have put it up but it looked silly in ponytails and it was too short for anything else.
A knock at her bedroom door yanked her from her thoughts quickly, reality hitting her with an undesired smack.
"Are you ready?" Petunia demanded snappily, sticking her head around the door. Lily nodded, feeling as far from ready as she could possibly be.
"Yeah, I, uh…I think so." She slipped her feet into the short black heels she'd chosen and took hold of her bag. Her sister gave her a quick look up and down, frowning.
"Don't cry," Petunia instructed her coolly.
"Sorry?"
"You'll upset mum, okay? You need to keep it together, Lily. God, I know you've always been treated like a baby but it's time you grow up."
The redhead gulped back the lump in her throat, struggling to remain composed. "Okay," she choked out, too tired to argue. Petunia sighed heavily, leading the way down the stairs while Lily followed in her wake.
Everyone in the family was gathered in the living room. Lily's aunts and uncles, her cousins. Her mother, who'd been standing near the edge of the room, spun around quickly.
"My girls," she said with affection, coming over to pull both of her daughters into a hug. Lily struggled not to cry. She wanted to melt into her mother's arms and break down.
Her uncle was sitting in her father's armchair. Lily was certain her mother hadn't mentioned that it was the place he'd taken his final breath. It made her stomach turn to see someone new sitting there.
"Are you ready?" her mother asked. She took Lily and Petunia's hands in her own, squeezing them tight.
"Of course," Petunia answered for the two of them, throwing her long blonde hair behind her shoulder. "We should go. We don't want to be late."
Lily kept her head bowed and her eyes hidden as they threatened to flood with tears. She needed a kind word, a warm embrace, she craved the kind of comfort her father might've offered in that moment. Some words of encouragement. A smile. A reminder that it was okay to be upset. No one offered that now. Instead, Petunia led the way from the house with her head high and her back straight as though it were just another Saturday morning.
"Can you lock up, Lily?" her mother requested. Lily wanted to say no. She hadn't been home alone since that final moment with her father and she didn't want to spend a second in the house alone when she didn't need to. "Just make sure everything is turned off, okay? I should be in the car—"
"Okay," Lily agreed, wanting to choke on her words. "Of course, don't worry." She wanted to beg her mother to stay. She wanted to ask her to treat her like a child for just one more day. She didn't, though. Instead, she watched her slip out the door just as Petunia had, the rest of her family slowly following until Lily stood alone, the door shut before her.
Lily was supposed to be eating the breakfast that James had prepared for her but she didn't feel much like eating anything. Instead, she tapped her finger against the table anxiously, her engagement ring clicking each time. She had eating half a piece of toast with a sprinkle of eggs; her plate looked barely touched. Now she struggled to down a cup of tea – a task she usually found painless.
The house was uneasily quiet. Carol was gone, now that there was no one to look after. The only person still wandering the home's halls was Lily, who felt much like the last soldier standing.
There was the sound of floorboards creaking behind her and she turned to see James entering the room, running a hand through his wet hair, fresh out of the shower.
"How're you feeling?" he asked.
"Fine."
Lily got the same question every thirty minutes and offered her fiancé an answer never longer than three words. James stared down at Lily's plate of food with dissatisfaction.
"You haven't touched it."
"I've tried," she protested. Her eyes pleaded with him and she knew she'd be able to get her way eventually. "I just can't today, okay?"
"I worry about you…"
"You worry too much," Lily told him, tugging at his shirt, encouraging him to come closer. He leant in, his lips pressing to hers softly.
"Here," Lily pushed the plate towards him, "finish it up. I'm going to get ready."
She didn't want to. She wanted to stay in her pyjamas for the rest of the day, to avoid the funeral home that awaited her visit, but that was impossible. She needed to do it. Just like she'd needed to bury her father six feet under two years before.
Lily was only in her bedroom alone a few minutes before there was a tap at the door. When it swung open Marlene stepped inside, a comforting smile on her face.
"Hey you," she greeted Lily, moving towards the bed. She was already dressed, her blonde curls pulled into a messy ponytail. She wore a long-sleeved black dress that reached her knees and a pair of dark wedges.
"I don't need a babysitter," Lily insisted, yanking her black dress from the closet. This would be its third funeral. She wondered how much more it'd need to be worn to.
"No, but you do need a friend, and…" Marlene fumbled in her bag for a moment, emerging with a mickey of vodka in her hand. "A nice pick me up."
"You're wonderful." Lily smiled, reaching out an eager hand. She felt shaky every time she remembered what was happening during the day and yet when she looked down at Marlene, perched on the edge of her bed, she felt a little bit of strength return to her. She wouldn't have to be alone at the very least.
"I don't even want to see Petunia," Lily grumbled, handing the bottle back to Marlene after a healthy gulp. "Who does that? Who is so petty they refuse to say goodbye to their own mother?"
"It's beyond me," Marlene shrugged, leaning back on her elbows. "Maybe it was too hard for her."
"Maybe she's just a selfish cow." Lily couldn't find it in herself to make exceptions for Petunia. Not today of all days. Not after her sister had failed her when she'd really needed someone by her side.
"I guess this is it," Lily noted casually, smoothing her hands along the surface of her dress. "I mean, it's unlikely we'll see much of one another after today."
"You don't know that," Marlene comforted her. Lily did, though. She knew the chance of her sister ever coming around was slim; especially now she was off married to Vernon, living her painfully ordinary life. If she'd wanted to freeze out Lily she'd done everything imaginable to make sure of it.
"Is three a crowd?" a timid voice asked from behind the door. It creaked open, Alice poking her head around the corner. She was dressed in a black pantsuit; her short hair swooped back.
"You guys," Lily shook her head. "I'm not going to make a run for it."
"We are not babysitting you, Lily Evans, we are taking care of you. Try letting go for a change," Marlene suggested. Alice settled down beside her on the mattress.
"You try letting go when you're going to spend the rest of your day listening to your family tell Petunia how sorry they are for her loss."
"Well, we're your family too," Alice reminded her. "And none of us give a rat's ass what Petunia is feeling right now."
Lily smiled. Even when she was only half alive and her stomach felt as though it were filled with bricks she couldn't resist the warm feeling that overcame her when surrounded by people she truly loved. Alice was right. The family Lily had been born into wasn't what was important, it was the people who surrounded her now.
"It doesn't feel real," Lily told them, sitting down in between her friends. "I feel like I dreamed it. Like I need to pinch myself and wake up. They can't be gone. It's your worst nightmare as a kid, isn't it?"
"It gets better," Alice promised, resting her chin on Lily's shoulder. "It feels at first like putting on a new pair of shoes that don't quite fit. For the first little while it's impossible not to notice the difference and then slowly when you're not even paying attention, you forget."
"I don't want to forget," Lily admitted, her voice cracking with emotion.
"Forget isn't the right word." Alice gave her arm a comforting squeeze. "More so, you get used to it. You miss them, of course, you do, but slowly it doesn't feel so strange. You feel less like you're missing a chunk of you every morning."
Right then there was a third tap at the door and Lily watched as it swung open, Mary and Emmeline stepping inside.
"Looks like we all had the same idea," Mary grinned, coming over towards the bed, her arms wrapping around Lily as she pulled her into an embrace.
"Do we get points for bringing Firewhiskey?" Emmeline asked hopefully. She pulled the bottle from her bag with a grin.
"Beat you to it." Marlene pulled her vodka out proudly, the two girls clinking bottles.
"Thank you for coming," Lily repeated endlessly. She stood in a line next to her sister, shaking the hands of those who'd taken the time to attend her father's funeral. Her feet ached from being forced to stand for so long and her gaze was growing hazy and tired. She was ready to leave the stupid church and never return.
"Lily!" a new voice greeted her. A pair of strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her in tight. Lily almost didn't recognise the perpetrator until she noticed the mane of curly blonde hair.
"I want to say something to make it all better," Marlene told her, pulling away from their embrace. She held Lily's face in her hands, keeping a strong gaze with the young witch.
"Thank you for coming," Lily said for the hundredth time, her voice cracking as she choked back tears.
"We're all here for you." Lily looked to her left to see a collection of her friends waiting their turn.
Remus, Peter, and Sirius stepped forward to give her hugs.
"James didn't think you'd want him here," Sirius explained. Lily thought it might have been the first time she'd seen him without the shadow of a smirk upon his face. "He sends his condolences."
"Tell him thank you, for me," Lily nodded. This was the last day on Earth she wanted to waste one minute thinking about James Potter. She was thankful he hadn't taken her vulnerable state as another excuse to try and prove his worthiness.
One by one her friends came along, squeezing her tightly, whispering soft comforts into her ear. Lily felt a little more alive by the time it reached the Prewett twins at the end of the line.
Fabian looked up at her last, his fair eyelashes sparkling in the sunlight. Lily's stomach twisted with nerves as their eyes met. His gaze swallowed her whole.
"I'm so sorry," he said sincerely. He tucked his hands into the pockets of his dress pants, his shoulder slumping forward. "I wanted to have something more meaningful to say," he admitted with guilt. "I don't think there's anything I can say to make it better, though."
His words made the lump in Lily's throat erupt and she stepped forward, throwing herself into his arms. She couldn't be sure if it was due to hours of suppressed feelings or the fact that since the last month of school Lily hadn't been able to speak to Fabian without her stomach filling with butterflies.
She clung to his dress shirt, Fabian stroking her hair comfortingly. Lily was more than a little aware that they had at least twenty eyes on them as they clung to one another but she couldn't find it in herself to care.
"Lily," Petunia hissed as her sister's sobs began to calm. "You're making a scene!"
Lily pulled away from Fabian, staring up into his comforting brown eyes longingly. She looked from him towards her mother and sister, blinking back the tears that filled her eyes.
"Get me out of here," she finally said, taking hold of Fabian's hand. His eyes widened.
"What—"
"Please," Lily begged. Petunia looked ready to just about strangle her as she took her first step. Lily thought her mother might join in on the event until she saw her step forward to stop her sister.
"Let her go," she advised Petunia. "She needs this."
Lily turned towards her mother, filled with gratitude.
"Thank you," she mouthed, her mum nodding as she turned to leave the whole mess of an event behind.
The funeral home was small and smelt stale. Mothballs and strong perfume all mixed into one. The kind of smell that made one lose their appetite. Lily figured you weren't supposed to have much of one when attending a funeral.
"We have her in the chapel," one of the workers informed Lily, her hands clasped behind her back. "You didn't want a viewing, right?"
"No," Lily shook her head. "We'll just greet the guests as they enter the chapel."
"I'll let you know when they begin arriving."
Lily nodded, her eyes wandering towards the chapel doors that were closed behind them. As the funeral home worker busied herself with a vase of flowers, Lily stepped inside quietly.
The chapel wasn't very large – perhaps a little under half the size of the great hall – with little light entering through its small stain glass windows. The floors were covered in red carpeting and there stood fifteen rows of long wood benches.
Lily moved quietly up the aisle, her stomach in knots. Her mother's coffin – an expensive, deep mahogany rectangle – waited for her at the end. Lily hadn't realised how expensive a coffin might be until James had gone to purchase one with her. Lily was so enraged by the price of the damn things she nearly stormed from the shop. James had had to stop her at the door and calm her down, offering to cover half the cost.
Her mother lay still, her eyes closed delicately, blonde hair sprawled carefully over her shoulders. Not her mother's true hair, though. The hair that had sparkled in the sunlight and fallen in soft curls at the ends. This was a wig, one Petunia had helped her mum purchase before she'd become too sick.
"I hope you're happy, momma," Lily whispered, her hand placed on top of her mother's – her hands clasped across her chest.
"Lily," a stern voice spoke from across the room. Lily spun around to find Petunia waiting there. She wore a dress with a long black coat and had gloves that went to her elbows. Lily thought she looked ridiculous but she was sure her sister felt the height of fashion and maturity.
"I half expected you not to show up," Lily noted coolly.
"To my own mother's funeral?" Petunia tugged her gloves off, making her way down the aisle. "You think highly of me."
"I don't want to fight," Lily sighed. She'd never felt so exhausted in her life. With all the funeral planning and the arrangements she'd been making to remove the medical supplies in the house, there hadn't been a moment of rest. While Petunia had offered some assistance with the funeral, Lily had felt she was alone for the most part and it was a heavy burden to carry.
"How about for one day we just behave like sisters?" Lily asked. "For her sake."
Petunia's face pinched, a frown forming on her thin lips. "All right," she nodded, folding her arms against her chest. "She'd like that."
Lily pressed her heels into the carpeted floor, an awkward silence falling over them. She realised as the two girls stood there across from one another, that she couldn't remember the last time they'd been together in any kind of non-confrontational setting.
"It's going to be okay, you know," Petunia reminded her, not quite looking Lily in the eye. "We'll be just fine."
Lily, whose eyes had been planted firmly on the ground, stared up at her big sister, wondering what their lives might've looked like had she never gotten that letter from Hogwarts. Would they be here right now? Standing oceans apart? Forcing themselves to be civil.
Would Lily have been the maid of honour at her sister's wedding? Would Petunia be calling her endlessly, bringing over wedding plans and seating charts? Their mother would have spent her final days with both daughters by her side, in a home filled with love.
"Is this it, then?" Lily summed up the courage to ask.
"What?"
"Are we ever going to speak? Are we just going to pretend the other doesn't exist?"
"We can exchange Christmas cards," Petunia shrugged, as though that were almost asking too much. "We don't have to force ourselves to pretend that there is any sisterly bond left between us."
Lily stood there, still as a statue, wondering when it wouldn't sting to hear her sister completely reject her. She wrapped her arms around herself, nodding.
"Okay," she agreed, her voice cracking just the slightest. "This is it then, I suppose."
"It doesn't have to be a thing," Petunia grumbled.
"Let's not make it one," Lily nodded, her eyes drifting towards their mother. "For her sake. For both of them."
"They're together," Petunia, said with much certainty. Lily was surprised that her sister could say such a comforting thing. "I know it. They're up there laughing at us, mum's probably in a total fuss about the funeral planning, worrying that it's too much work for us."
"He's probably got his arm around her shoulder," Lily added, a smile on her face. "Reminding her that we've got to grow up someday."
"Oh, Katie," Petunia said in their father's rough northern accent. "Ya canna tie a leash and follow 'em around forever."
The two girls laughed softly, forgetting where they stood for a few seconds. Then the doors to the chapel swung open and the funeral home worker Lily had spoken to earlier popped her head in.
"Guests are beginning to arrive," she informed them, the two girls nodding. Lily turned towards her sister, biting down on her lip anxiously.
"You'll be just fine," Petunia said in way of encouragement. "Just don't cause a scene."
Lily figured that in terms of comfort from her sister that was about as good as she was going to get.
It was late in the evening when Fabian dropped Lily off at her house. Alcohol ran through her system and her mouth burnt with the taste of Firewhiskey. She stumbled up towards her front gate but paused suddenly before pushing it open.
"Everything okay?" Fabian asked.
"I don't want to go in," Lily admitted. She stared towards the living room window, the lamp inside illuminating the curtains with a soft yellow glow. Lily was sure her mother had left it on for her. What she wasn't thankful for was the fact that to turn it off she'd need to go into the living room, past her father's chair…
"It's going to get better," Fabian, told her, placing a hand on Lily's shoulder. "Not at first, obviously, but slowly... it won't feel so terrible."
"It's the slowly part I don't like so much," Lily informed him, swallowing hard, shoving her nerves back down her throat. She looked up her street, her eyes settling on the curve the road took at the end, the one that led to the playground up the street.
"I think I'm just going to…"
Lily began to walk up the street in the playground's direction. She'd taken her shoes off at some point, tired of them pinching her toes, and they dangled from her hands casually.
"Where are you going?" Fabian asked, chasing after her.
"Away," Lily answered, swooping her arms into the air like a bird about to take flight.
"This is it," she told him. "I've figured out the secret to life."
"Which is?"
They'd reached the turn in the road, Lily leading them down towards the park which started abruptly, a large field of grass leading them in towards the sandy playground.
Lily went straight for the swings – her favourite spot – and sat herself down rather unsteadily. Fabian settled into the one beside her, his hand rested on her lower back to make sure she didn't fall.
"Do you believe in karma?" Lily asked him, leaning her head against the cold chain from which the swing hung.
"I'd like to think there's some kind of justice in the universe," Fabian shrugged. "I'm not sure how realistic that is, though. Considering the bad people always seem to come out doing the best."
Lily frowned. She liked to think that always trying to do the right thing meant she'd get more out of the world. That didn't seem to have worked out very well for her, though. Not when she'd had to find her father dead and her sister was revolted by her very existence.
She tried to move forward, pumping her legs, but she'd ingested far too much alcohol for the effort to be worth it. Fabian leant forward, making sure she didn't fall off her swing. Lily turned to stare at him, hanging on the swing beside her, his milky brown eyes wide with concern.
As though drawn by some magnetic force she couldn't quite pinpoint she moved forward, her face growing closer and closer to his own. She waited for him to pull away, to be scared by her in some way. He didn't though. He remained there, still as a stone, until their lips touched.
It was a soft kiss at first – simply lips – but Lily's mouth opened in unison with Fabian's, his tongue slipping inside. She fell forward a little, Fabian catching her, his hands clasping her waist. Lily stared up at him, smiling sheepishly.
"Sorry," she apologised, not meaning it in the slightest.
"I'm not," he assured her, eating Lily whole with his gaze.
With the confidence only a drunken person could possess she reached out a hand, stroking her fingers through his soft auburn hair. He was beautiful, like something out of a romance novel.
Lily leant in once more, swept up in the moment, this time engaging in a more passionate kiss. She held onto Fabian for dear life, the only thing in the world keeping her afloat in that moment. She'd never been so impulsive in her life and she'd never had so little to lose.
What did it matter if the whole world imploded tomorrow? Her father was dead and he was never coming back.
They'd decided to host the reception in the pub that Lily's mother and father had always loved when the girls were growing up. It was a dingy little spot with hay on the floors and the stink of cigarettes and beer. It wasn't very large and just barely fit the party of sixty who entered it after saying their final farewell to Katherine Evans.
Lily, who'd done her rounds thanking everyone for coming and showing their respects, had grabbed herself a pint from the bartender and made her way towards the back table where all of her friends were gathered.
"This is nice," Mary smiled, brown eyes wandering the perimeter of the room. "Not all morbid and depressing. It's a celebration."
"It's what she wanted," Lily shrugged, taking a healthy gulp of beer. "She didn't want us to sit around and mourn her the way we did when dad died."
James, who was in the chair beside Lily, wrapped his arm around the back of her seat comfortingly, kissing her sweetly on the cheek.
"You okay?" he whispered in her ear. Lily nodded, squeezing his hand reassuringly.
"Please don't give me a funeral when I die," Marlene pleaded, staring down into her pint of beer morbidly. "I want a very quiet affair. Scatter my ashes somewhere with rolling hills and lots of trees and then go have a drink in my honour."
"Why don't you put that down in writing for your children," Alice suggested with a smirk. "Since you won't be dying until you are an old wrinkly lady, warm in your bed."
"Here, here," Lily seconded, smiling across the table at Marlene. She was sat in the corner, sandwiched in beside Sirius. Lily had noticed the pair of them together far more often over the past week than she had at any other point in history but she hadn't the time nor energy to grill her friend on the subject. She thought that topic might be better suited for a happier time.
"Lily," a timid voice spoke from behind her, a throat cleared quickly thereafter.
Lily looked up to see her mother's sister, Holly, standing there. She stood up quickly, moving aside with her aunt.
"Are you leaving?" Lily asked.
"Just about…I needed to give you this first."
Holly produced a thin envelope from her bag, handing it over to Lily.
"What's this?" She asked, clueless.
"Your mum and dad wrote it," Holly explained, tears twinkling in her eyes. "They did it when you girls were very young. Just a few words they wanted to leave you with should this day come too soon…" Lily felt a lump forming in the back of her throat. Her hands began to shake as she realised the importance of the envelope clasped in her fingertips.
"Read it with your sister," Holly suggested. "It's how they wanted it."
Lily could barely speak and with a final hug, her aunt shifted back into the crowd towards her husband and kids. Lily stared at her to the envelope and then across the room to where her sister stood at the bar. She was with Vernon, the pair of them looking incredibly uncomfortable and out of place.
Lily made her way through the crowd, stopping before her sister and her husband. Vernon scowled in her direction, not bothering with polite casualties.
"Can I see you for a moment?" Lily asked, nodding towards the front door.
"Why?" Petunia grumbled.
"Just…come take a moment with me."
Her sister, less than enthusiastic, agreed, the two women shuffling out of the room and into the street.
It was cold outside and in the rush neither woman had brought a jacket. They stood at the entrance to the pub, huddled together, rubbing their hands along their freezing skin.
"What is it, then?" Petunia huffed impatiently.
"They left this with Holly," Lily explained, handing the envelope over to her sister. Petunia stared it over like a piece of lost treasure, giving Lily the first glimpse of her emotions all day.
"Mum and dad?" Petunia looked like she'd just been hit with a large blow to the gut. "How?"
"They made it years ago." Lily shrugged tears in her eyes. "They wanted Holly to keep it…just in case…"
Petunia turned the envelope over in her hands a few times, staring at it in awe. After a few seconds of this, she looked up at Lily, as if for permission, and then slowly tore open the seal. The paper inside was light and delicate from age as Petunia unfolded it, holding it between her hands.
Lily waited in deadly anticipation as her sister's eyes flooded with tears.
"What does it say?" Lily urged her. "Petunia?"
A sob escaped from her sister's mouth as she shoved the letter towards Lily, turning away. Lily looked down, her heart pounding in her ears.
Our girls,
If you're reading this now it means your father and I are both gone and that auntie Holly has had to pass along these last few words. Your father and I are writing this on a Sunday evening. You're both just babies still. You're the greatest light in this house. You're the greatest thing I've ever done. No matter where you are when you read this or how old you are, know that there is nothing you could ever do that could make me love you less. You, two girls, are the greatest thing I've ever done. Hold onto each other. Love each other as much as we love you. You've only got each other in this world and it is so important to know that when the time comes you will do anything for the other.
And now it's time for me to say my piece. Nothing makes me happier than to see you two girls growing up together, supporting one another. I'll never forget the absolute joy on Petunia's face the day we brought her baby sister home from the hospital. No matter how angry you get with each other, no matter how frustrated you can feel, you two are family – forever. When your mother and I are long gone and all you have to hold onto are memories of us, remember to be kind to each other. Remember how important it is to hold onto those we love.
Give everything in this world your all and be brave. We know that no matter when you girls are reading this you're doing extraordinary things and making us prouder than any parents could hope to be.
We love you with all our hearts,
Mum & Dad
Lily stared down at the letter in her hands; her parent's words blotched together from the tear stains she'd made. Petunia, whose back had been to Lily as she read the letter, turned around with teary eyes.
Neither sister said a word. They stood there – the silence thick with emotions that couldn't be properly shared – and stared at one another. Lily's lips trembled and she watched as Petunia swallowed back a lump in her throat.
"Petunia," a deep voice barked from the door, breaking the silence that had been shared. "Let's go." It was Vernon who emerged from the bar, not bothering to take a pause and read the crowd. "I've had enough of this lot…" Vernon made sure to stare Lily right in the eye as he spoke.
"Fine," Petunia nodded, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. "Let's go."
Lily watched as her sister and her husband began to make their way down the road, chasing after them only when she remember the loose piece of paper in her hand.
"Petunia! Petunia, wait!" Her sister paused, looking frazzled by Lily's interruption. "What should we do with it?" Lily asked. She stared up at her big sister, hoping for some kind of answer of reassurance.
"Throw it out," Petunia shrugged, as though the letter hadn't left her in tears a few minutes prior. "I don't need it."
Lily woke up covered in morning dew and shivering. It took her a little while to remember where on earth she'd ended up and how. Once she'd opened her eyes it all seemed to make sense. She lay on the grassy field of the park at the end of her street. Beneath her was Fabian's suit jacket, which he'd laid out so they could lie across it and star gaze.
Lily looked up to see him dead asleep beside her, his eyes closed delicately. He had an arm wrapped around her as Lily's head rested on his chest. For a while she just lay there, smiling, enjoying the feeling of Fabian's warmth spreading through her and the way his arms held her protectively.
Then she remembered. She looked down at the black dress and felt that familiar lump form in the back of her throat. Lily shot up quickly, choking back tears, struggling to breathe. What was wrong with her? She wasn't allowed to feel good. Not when her dad hadn't even been under the ground for twenty-four hours.
"You okay?" Fabian asked, rubbing at his tired eyes. He sat up slowly, staring Lily over with concern. Without any warning, she burst into tears. Thick, hot, salty tears. She cried so hard she felt like her ribs might burst. She pressed her face into her hands, mascara and makeup from the day before streaming down her cheeks.
"I've got you," Fabian promised, wrapping his arms around her.
Tears and snot mixing with one, Lily curled up into Fabian's chest, letting him hold her close. She pressed her face she hard into him she could barely breathe. He didn't let go, not once. They sat there – in the early morning light – and all that filled the silence was the sound of Lily's endless sobs.
When they calmed she lifted her head, her face a blotchy mess from tears. Lily didn't think she'd ever hurt so much inside. She'd never ached so badly to feel her father's arm around her shoulder or to hear the sound of his deep laughter.
"I'm never going to see him again," Lily realised, her insides feeling as though they were being ground to bits.
"No," Fabian nodded, stroking her hair away from her face. "You're not."
"I should go home."
Lily thought of her mother, stuck in that house. The one that had once been filled with laughter and joy and the sound of small children's feet. The house that Lily had once yearned to be inside of on her worst days. It would never be that place again.
Fabian walked her to her front door. They didn't touch the whole walk back but their hands dangled dangerously close, their fingertips grazing every once in awhile. Lily wanted him so badly. She wanted to go back to that kiss and do it all over again. She wanted her father not to be dead. She wanted her life to be the way it had felt just a few short weeks ago when the idea of Fabian Prewett having the slightest interest in her would've changed her whole world.
"I'll see you around," he said casually, the two of them parting at Lily's front door.
"Don't be a stranger, okay?" she warned him.
The moment the door was closed it was as though the rest of the world had disappeared. Lily stepped inside, the house silent. Her feet creaked along the floorboards as she slipped her shoes off, slipping across the entrance hall.
"Where were you?" a voice asked suddenly. Lily jumped, looking into the living room to see her mother sitting on the edge of the couch. She was in her pink robe, her blonde hair tied up in a bun. She looked like she'd been crying, her eyes red and puffy.
"I fell asleep at Marlene's," Lily lied.
Her mother didn't look convinced in the slightest, staring up at her from the couch. She crossed her arms, turning her head away.
"I'm sorry," she apologised, her voice cracking. Lily moved towards her slowly to see tears filling her mother's eyes, her lips wobbling.
"Sorry? What do you have to apologise for—"
"It should've been me," her mother sobbed painfully. "He was so good…he was so much better than me…"
"Don't say that, mum…" Lily moved forward, sitting down on the couch beside her mother. She rubbed her arm comfortingly, watching her cry silently.
"I love you, Lily," she told her, turning to look Lily in the eyes.
"I know, mum. Of course, I know that…"
"I just feel sometimes like I'm not the mother you want."
Lily threw her arms around her mother before she could get out another word, choking back her own tears.
"That's not true," she insisted. "You're the greatest mother. I am so grateful to have you."
"Oh Lily…" her mother continued to sob, clutching onto Lily's arm, which clung to her. "I can't live a whole life without him. I can't go another day…"
"We're right here with you," Lily promised, kissing her mother's cheek affectionately. "You have us. You'll always have Tunney and me."
"Take care of each other," her mother said, looking at Lily quite sternly now. "Promise me you'll take care of each other when you need it."
Lily couldn't imagine a day where her sister would bend backwards to do a favour for her. She was certain they'd be eighty years old and Petunia would still be running around the retirement home calling Lily a freak. She couldn't tell her mother that, though. Not when she was staring at her now with those big puppy dog eyes.
"I promise," Lily told her. "You don't have to worry about us, mum."
All of the guests had cleared from the pub, leaving behind only Lily and her friends. Sirius had ordered everyone a round of shots, insisting that alcohol could solve all problems, and Mary had busied herself trying to figure out the best tune on the jukebox.
Lily sat near the edge of the room, nursing a beer, watching the rest of her friends from a safe distance. Alice and Frank, giggling as they whispered into each other's ears, sick on love. Emmeline and Gideon cozied into the corner of a booth, her head rested on his shoulder.
When Lily stared up she realised James was standing right in front of her, his face long with concern. He'd been staring at her like that all week.
"I'm fine," Lily repeated for what felt like the hundredth time.
"No, you're not," James corrected her, placing out a hand to pull her from her seat. "It's okay not to be fine. Especially on a day like today."
"Whatever," Lily shrugged, "it's over."
"Let's go, team!" Sirius called from the bar, motioning them all over. "Tequila for all."
Lily was certain tequila would do little to ease her pain, the drink was not her friend, but for tonight she didn't mind throwing one back. If it helped take her mind off the fact that she might never see her sister again after this day or the fact that her entire family – as she'd known it – was gone, she didn't mind the risk.
She accepted her shot glass gratefully, eyebrows raised with anticipation. The whole group had gathered in a circle, everyone watching Sirius as he led the toast.
"To Katherine Evans," he announced, raising his glass into the air. Lily smiled, mimicking his action.
"For mum," she said, holding back tears. She threw the drink back, grabbing the lime which waited for her as quickly as possible.
And just like that, she said goodbye to the world that had once been hers.
