Frank came rushing into the St. Mungo's waiting room like a storm. His brown hair was a mess and his eyes wild – the look of a mad man. Of course, he couldn't be blamed.
"Where is she?"
"Frank, listen—" Kingsley attempted to reason with him. "We'll explain the whole thing to you, we just need you to—"
"You!" he bellowed accusingly, a finger pointed at Dorcas Meadowes' chest. Frank lunged towards her, everyone in the room jumping up to create a barrier. "You promised she'd be safe! You said it was a simple stakeout, no danger at all—"
Frank's words were cut off as Fabian and Kingsley worked to drag him away from a horror struck Dorcas.
"It's not her fault, Longbottom! Hey! HEY!" Kingsley commanded, forcing Frank to look him in the eyes. "You know this job as well as we do, she didn't have a clue."
It took a few minutes - and some more coaxing from Kingsley and Fabian - before Frank gathered his thoughts, returning to a saner version of himself.
"I'm sorry," he said to Dorcas, pushing his hair from his face.
"It's fine, of course, it's fine," Dorcas assured him. With his blood pressure lowered he could see now that she was just as scared as him. So were Fabian and Kingsley, all waiting to hear back on their friends and loved ones. Frank was not the only one who had a person he cared about in trouble.
"Talk to me," said Frank, ready now for the details.
Kingsley guided him towards the chairs. Kingsley looked tired, probably from hours of thankless work plagued with emergencies like the one they found themselves stuck in now. As they spoke Fabian and Dorcas wandering off to find themselves a cup of coffee - the rehashing of the events too much for either one of them.
As Kingsley told it, there'd been no danger suspected. The mission was supposed to be a simple stakeout of an area Death Eaters were presumed to have been using to interrogate people. The team – comprised of Alice, James, and Gideon – was meant to do a scan of the area, look for any signs that the place had been used, and bring back anything that pointed towards their activity. Of course, that's not how it had panned out.
Instead, the group had been overwhelmed. Alice had the good sense to send a Patronus out to Dorcas for support – Kingsley coming along for backup – but by the time they arrived the group was already buried. They had a force twice their size on them. Had Dorcas and Kingsley not snuck up in time it was unlikely they would've made it out alive.
"We did the best we could," Kingsley admitted, rubbing at his forehead ruefully.
It had been one thing to worry about Alice getting hurt but now Frank worried not just for one loved one but two. He could hardly sit still. He needed to know what was happening to his family. His wife. His child. They were all he had, the thought of losing them made his skin crawl and his throat close up.
"It's going to be okay," Kingsley reassured him. "We let them know she was pregnant when they took her in, they're going to do everything they can."
"I should never have let her go." Frank replayed the moment in his mind until the memory grew foggy - reality and dream inseparable. Their last kiss. Her smile in the doorway as he waved her off anxiously. Her promise to be home by dinner.
Kingsley might've said more but they had a group of new arrivals. Lily, plus the Marauders and Marlene, came running in, each looking more terrified than the next.
"Where is he? What's happened?" Lily asked desperately, turning to Kingsley for answers. He pulled her aside to repeat the procedure he'd been through three times now. Frank stood up slowly, shoulders slacked, and walked away from the scene as they other two had before him.
He wandered down the hall, blind to his surroundings. Healers rushed past him, patients waddled by. All he could see was his wife. His perfect, beautiful, wife, and the smile on her face as she held their child for the first time. The sound of a baby's cry filling their home and the long nights they would spend together. Frank couldn't fathom the world where that was all over.
"Frank," Mary said, suddenly right in front of him. He'd nearly walked right into her. "What're you doing?"
"Is she alright?" he asked hopelessly. "Just tell me she's going to be all right."
"They won't update me either," Mary sighed, guiding him back towards the others. "At this point, it's a waiting game for us all."
A few hours felt like days sitting in a waiting room, jumping at the slightest hint of news. So far they knew close to nothing about the state of their loved ones. Everyone was on edge, barely a word being spoken between the group. It frightened Marlene that their circumstances were not unusual at all – in fact, this waiting room at St. Mungo's had become something of a second home.
"I'm going to get coffee," Lily said, standing up abruptly. "If they come out…"
"We'll be after you in seconds," Remus promised.
"I'll join." Marlene was certain she'd go mad if she spent another minute sitting there, her butt going numb as she sat frozen waiting for news.
As the two girls travelled by elevator to the dining hall Marlene struggled to offer some kind of comfort. Lily looked terrified and pale but it was difficult for Marlene to find anything to say when she was terrified herself. James was family, a brother, if not more, and the thought of him in pain made her stomach clench.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Lily announced as the elevator came to a stop.
"We'll find a washroom—"
"I'm not going to have enough time," she insisted, hand covering her mouth. The doors slid open and Marlene grabbed the closest thing she could see, drawing over a flowerpot with the flick of her wand.
"You okay?" Marlene asked after her friend had regained some dignity.
"Define okay," Lily grumbled as they moved away from the scene of the crime.
"I wish I could. Food might help?"
"I can't eat."
Lily sat down at one of the vacant tables, dropping her forehead to the table in defeat.
"He's going to be okay," Marlene promised. "It's James bloody Potter, he won't leave us without a good fight."
A quiet noise escaped from Lily and Marlene realised, with a heavy heart, that her friend had begun to cry. Quiet, hopeless sobs vibrated from across the table and made Marlene's own eyes moisten.
"I need him to be okay," Lily pressed. "I need him to be."
"Hey, no matter what happens we'll figure it out, okay? You're not alone."
Slowly, Lily lifted her head to face Marlene. Her cheeks were wet and blotchy from all the tears. Her green eyes swelled with guilt as she stared across the table at Marlene.
"There's something I haven't told you," Lily admitted. "Something I haven't told anyone..."
Marlene waited for the worst. Lily was sick. She was leaving James for another man. She was joining Voldemort's ranks. No scenario seemed too far-fetched.
"I'm pregnant," she spit out, catching Marlene off guard.
"Pregnant?" the blonde repeated, certain she'd misheard. Nothing seemed less likely than this.
"I found out just after Christmas I…I could barely accept it myself. I haven't told anyone Mar…not even…" Lily's voice broke off but Marlene was sure she knew what came next.
"Not even James."
Marlene's mouth felt dry as sandpaper as she tried to swallow back the news she'd just had thrust at her. Selfishly she found herself feeling disappointed in her friend. Alice had made sense. In fact, Marlene had been shocked she and Frank had managed to get through their Hogwarts years without a scare. But Lily, well, Marlene held her in a different category, somewhat unfairly.
"Say something," Lily begged her friend, voice thick with emotion.
"I…." She was in shock. Blinded by the irony of the situation. It had been funny when the Potters' and the Longbottoms' had managed to get engaged and married one after the other but this felt a little too much for Marlene's taste. "I don't know," she admitted shamefully.
"I'm scared, Marley," Lily told her, fresh tears rolling down her red cheeks. "I'm really fucking scared."
Marlene didn't know what to say to make it better. She didn't know how to reassure her friend that it would all turn out okay. The task had been hard enough when she'd had to take it on for Alice a month earlier; it seemed impossible now. So she didn't bother talking. Instead, Marlene did the one thing she knew she could, coming around to Lily's side of the table to hug her close.
She let her friend soak her sweater in tears. Lily cried so hard Marlene suspected it wouldn't be long before someone came by to see what terrible tragedy had befallen her. How had everything managed to get so screwed up?
"Guys!" Peter exclaimed. He landed in front of them, out of breath and slightly sweaty. "There's news!"
Lily's head rose, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. She turned to Marlene, as though she needed permission for her next action.
"Let's go," she said, wrapping an arm around Lily's weak frame.
Dorcas remained on the edge of the waiting room, as far from everyone else as she could get. Her clothes remained dirty and blood stained from the rescue but she had refused any of Remus' suggestions to go home and clean up.
He took the seat beside her, silently passing a cup of coffee in her direction. Across the room, Frank looked petrified. He sat bolt upright, the back of his head leaning against the wall behind him, his brown eyes out of focus. The sight made Remus quiver.
"Let's go somewhere to talk," he suggested to Dorcas.
"I don't want to leave. There might be news." Remus could see in her eyes that Dorcas didn't have the strength to discuss what had happened. She was just as terrified as the rest of them except with her came guilt. She had allowed her pregnant friend to put her life in danger and she hadn't even been there to help.
"I didn't know," Dorcas repeated for the hundredth time. "I really didn't know."
Remus grabbed her hand, which lay shaking in her lap, squeezing it tightly. "It's not your fault," her told her sternly. He'd keep saying it until the words seemed to rub in.
"If something happens to one of them, I…I'll never forgive myself." The thought of Dorcas spending the rest of her life in agony over one mistake made Remus' heartbreak. Most of all, because he knew better than anyone else what it felt like to torture yourself for something you couldn't control.
"What does Moody always tell us?" Remus asked. "You can't make this personal. When you are out there on a mission the person beside you is not your friend, they're just another soldier. You do the best you can do. You did the best you could, Doe, you did your job."
"There was a time when I might've thought that was true," she told him, her eyes glossy with tears.
"I'm looking for the families of Alice Longbottom and Gideon Prewett?"
Everyone leapt from their seats, family or not, circling around the Healer like hungry animals.
"Peter," Remus gripped his friend by the shoulders. "Go get Lily and Marlene, tell them there's news!"
With the look of a man on a mission, Peter went sprinting down the hall. Remus stayed close by Dorcas, her eyes wide with fear.
"Your friends are fighters," the Healer told them. "Is Ms Longbottom's husband here?"
"Yes," Frank replied quickly, running his hands through his hair, now messy from all the stress.
"Your wife is going to be fine," the Healer announced to everyone's relief. It was as though the whole room let out a heavy sigh. "We know she's pregnant, we haven't had a chance to check on your baby." Frank gulped anxiously. "However, she's awake and asking for you."
"Awake?" Frank clarified, his voice cracking with joy.
"Yes, she's going to make a full recovery. She's a strong one."
Frank took a moment to look around at the rest of the group, as though feeling guilty for being able to hear such positive news.
"Go!" Emmeline urged, giving him a little nudge. "Let her know we're all here."
Frank rushed past the Healer, ushered into the emergency wing by a nurse close by.
"As for Mr Prewett's family?"
Remus watched from a distance as both Emmeline and Fabian stepped forward, the prior seeming embarrassed about her action once she realised what she'd done. Everyone knew that Emmeline had broken up with Gideon a week after New Years. It had been just two weeks apart but the look on Emmeline's showed that two weeks had not erased the feelings that remained between them.
"He took quite the beating," the Healer informed them. "We're going to be keeping him under close observation. He's got a few broken ribs and a severely bruised eye."
"Is he going to be okay?" Emmeline asked, her tone desperate. If there was anything the war had taught him it was the importance of goodbyes. When each one could be your last how did you make sure they counted?
"I feel confident right now saying yes but we won't know until we get a better idea of his recovery process."
Both Fabian and Emmeline sighed with relief. They embraced tightly, the anxieties of the evening draining – if only for a short while.
"He's awake now if you'd like to see him." Fabian and Emmeline exchanged panicked looks. "Although we can only have one visitor at a time."
Emmeline's gaze softened and she took a step backwards. "You go," she encouraged Fabian. Her violet eyes seemed to swell with pain as she realised her place in Gideon's life was lost for now. She wasn't his family anymore.
Mary, who'd been sneaking over to sit with the rest of the group during her breaks, placed an arm around her best friend. As Fabian disappeared down the hall, the same way Frank had gone, Emmeline curled up into Mary's side in tears.
It was then that the sound of hurried footsteps caught everyone's attention, Lily, Marlene, and Peter rushing back in a fury.
"What's the news?" Lily asked, gasping for air as she pressed her hands to her knees.
"Yeah, what about James?" Sirius asked, turning to look at the Healer. "James Potter?"
"Are you his wife?" the Healer asked, eyes on Lily.
"Yes," she nodded. "I'm Ms Potter." The use of her last name made the hairs on Remus' arm stand on end. Ms Potter…he felt as though Caroline still reserved that title, that she might come from around the corner to save the day. He was so used to Ms Potter rescuing them….
"Your husband is very badly injured. He came in here with serious internal bleeding and a fractured skull." Remus winced, imagining the agony his friend had to have been in. "We have a team of Healers working on him right now, we're doing our best," he assured Lily.
Remus watched as her whole body seemed to go limp. She stepped forward, asking the same question that had been presented twice already: "Is he going to be okay?"
This time a pause followed, the certainty drained from the Healer's eyes. "I can't say for certain," he told her. "I promise I'll tell you more when we know more."
Lily nodded but Remus wasn't quite sure she could hear anything being said. With the support of Marlene, she stumbled towards a chair, her entire body seeming to collapse. She didn't cry. She didn't speak. She just sat there, eyes closed as she took deep breaths.
Uncertainty was a deadly game.
Alice's body ached. Her eyes were heavy and her head pounded. She could barely lift herself up and the nurse that had been in to check on her had insisted she shouldn't. Alice was to stay as still as humanly possible until the Healers could be certain about the state of her baby.
The door to her room swung open and in stepped her husband. His eyes were already filled with tears, his brown hair a mess – the way it always got when he was worked up about something. Alice reached out a hand for him, Frank grabbing on tightly.
"Are you okay?" he checked, looking her over as though he might kiss every wound.
"I'm alive." Alice was grateful for that small victory. It would be impossible to know if she was okay until she knew that her baby wasn't hurt. She didn't think she would be able to forgive herself if she found out that because of her reckless decision her child had been hurt. With that in mind, tears swelled in Alice's eyes.
"I'm so sorry," she apologised, Frank smoothing back her hair, drenched in sweat. "I should have never gone, I should have never risked our family like that."
"Shh," Frank comforted her. "This isn't your fault, Al, no one knew."
"I should've never gone out there. I know the risk of going out into the field—"
"You also knew how unlikely an attack like this was. You got hit from left field."
Frank was sat on the edge of her bed, his forehead pressed to hers. She stared into his eyes, her lips still trembling.
"I know I didn't want this all at first…but I really do love it," she admitted to him. "I don't want to lose the baby, Frank."
"I know." He pressed his lips to her forehead.
The whole thing had been thrust on them with no warning. Alice had always known motherhood was something she wanted, just not so soon. Yet here it had come. Filled with surprises and bumps. Now that she lay in bed, afraid it might all be over, she clung to it. Despite the fear and the worry, a bay brought she wouldn't have it any other way.
"Alice?" She'd hardly noticed the door opening. Alice looked up from her husband's embrace to see their Healer standing there, Doctor Saluja.
"Yes," she replied hurriedly, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Frank pulled away, standing beside the bed with a tight grasp on Alice's hand.
"I hear you've had quite the trauma." She walked towards the left side of the bed. "Let's see how that baby is doing, okay?"
"Okay," Alice agreed, struggling to steady her voice.
Pulling her wand from the pocket of her robes, Doctor Saluja rolled up Alice's hospital gown and pressed the tip of it to her lower abdomen. There was only silence, Alice's throat growing tight, her eyes filling with tears once more. She'd lost her baby.
Frank, usually there to whisper reassurances, remained just as still as his wife. She turned to him, his eyes filled with pain. Alice wanted to go back. To redo the day. She wanted to never leave the confines of their home by the sea.
Just then a pounding echoed from the tip of the wand Alice had pressed against her. She gasped, staring from her husband to the Healer in shock.
"The baby's okay?" she gasped.
"Perfectly healthy. That's a very strong heartbeat you've got there. I think you might have a fighter on your hands."
A sob escaped Alice's lips, Frank kissing her deeply. He pressed his hand to her stomach. They were okay. All three of them were going to be just fine.
It was funny, Lily realised, the things you thought about when someone was no longer around. It was easy to take for granted early morning cuddles and the smell of James' freshly showered hair when Lily got to experience it daily. That feeling was not quite the same when her husband lay unconscious in a hospital bed – his life hanging in the balance.
Lily spent her hours in that waiting room dreaming of nights spent drinking bottles of wine beneath the stars, their stomachs hurting from laughter. She thought of their beautiful home – the one they'd spent the last year building into something beautiful. Lily still remembered James surprising her with it on their wedding night…
"Where on earth are you taking me?" Lily had expected to spend their first night as a married couple in the bed and breakfast that many of the wedding guests had stayed in the night before. Instead, James had insisted on the pair of them taking a short journey elsewhere.
"Do you trust me?" he asked. He was walking backwards, stumbling towards the end of the road that twisted and turned up to Bamburgh Castle.
"Debatable," Lily teased. James rolled his eyes and she giggled. "Of course I do, now what on earth are you about to throw at me?"
James looked to his right, Lily following his gaze down the road to find Sirius' motorbike parked by the side of the road.
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Trust!" James reminded her.
"I can't ride a flying motorcycle in my wedding dress!" Lily protested. She stared down at the perfectly white gown in horror.
"It'll be well worth it when you see what I've got planned," James grinned devilishly.
He stuck out his hand for her to take. Despite her apprehension, Lily took it without pause. There was no changing James Potter's mind once it was set.
"I hate flying," Lily grumbled from behind him, arms wrapped around his chest.
"You can always ride in the sidecar—"
"Much more romantic this way," she assured him. Not to mention she felt it would be a little easier to step away with her dignity intact not flying through the sky with her knees pulled up to her chest.
As usual, Lily spent the first few minutes in agony as the bike rose into the air. Luckily, it was difficult after a while not to appreciate the beauty that lay below her. The bright lights, the stars that twinkled in the sky above. She kept the side of her face pressed firmly against James' back, keeping him close.
She hadn't a clue where they were as he slowly brought the bike back down onto solid ground. It felt like they'd been in the sky forever but Lily knew that her anxiety had likely amplified the length of time.
"Do you recognise it?" James asked. He helped her struggle off the bike in her dress, holding up the back of it to keep the train from dragging on the road.
"Should I?" Lily stared around, clueless as to where they'd landed. They were on a corner, a town street up ahead and a row of houses in front of her. Lily had to stare once more at the shops up the street before she realised she had, in fact, visited this spot before.
"Harry's," she smiled. "You brought me here last summer…"
"When you showed up at Marlene's in tears," James nodded. Lily remembered the afternoon fondly. After a horrible fight with her sister, she'd run to her friend for support but instead, had landed in the arms of James Potter. If only she'd known then what was to come…
"Do you remember what we did afterwards?" James asked. He began to walk up the street slowly, Lily following in his wake.
"You took me to your family's cottage?" she recalled.
"You told me that day that I should live there when I was older and start a family in it."
Lily's stomach filled with butterflies. She could see now where he was going with it all.
"Back then I hadn't a clue who that woman would be…only…who I wanted it to be."
"Bollocks," Lily cursed as tears began to flood her eyes. She'd hoped the waterworks were over for the day.
"My dad has put it all in my name, the paperwork is filled out. All we have to do is move in."
Lily stared at her husband in awe. She realised, with a gut-wrenching feeling, that while it had taken her years to fall in love with him he'd known she was the one from the start. How was she to compete with that?
"I can't believe…" her voice cracked as she tried to speak. "You remembered it all."
"Are you happy?" he asked hopefully, as though there was any chance she could feel otherwise. How could she not be elated when she had a partner that knew her better than she knew herself? It was more than Lily ever thought she would found.
"I have never been so happy," Lily promised.
"Well then, I suppose it's time for part two!"
"Part two!?" she asked in awe as James rushed towards the cottage with its white picket fence. Lily moved through the gate but James blocked the way before she could go any farther.
"We've got a tradition to uphold here," he grinned. Lily had no time to protest before she'd been scooped up bridal style and carried across the threshold of her new home by her husband.
The house was alight with candles and rose petals lay scattered on the floor. Lily stepped inside the living room, a pile of blankets and pillows in the centre of the room, waiting for the newlyweds' arrival.
"It's perfect, James," she smiled. "Absolutely perfect."
…
"Ms Potter," a voice broke through. Lily's green eyes rose up to see the Healer from earlier standing before her, hands tucked into his robes. "We've finished operating on your husband."
Lily was on her feet in a matter of seconds, her stomach a mess of nerves. "And?" she asked hopefully.
"He's still unconscious at the moment. Your husband has taken quite a beating and we're still worried about the swelling in his head. We're going to keep him asleep until we see the potions we've given him begin the healing process."
Lily nodded. She'd hoped that he might return with better news, something that could ease her nerves, the ones that made it difficult to even breath. All her other friends, scattered around the waiting room, stared at her with hope in their eyes. Sirius was on the edge of his seat, watching Lily's interaction intently. Lily shook her head to signal a lack of progress, everyone leaning back with defeat.
"If you'd like, I can bring you in to see him," the Healer suggested.
"Yes," Lily nodded. If she couldn't see James awake at least she could sit with him for a little while. Just the sight of him, to see that who was still whole, would bring some small comfort.
Lily was guided down the same hall the rest of her friends had travelled. Unlike the others, the fate of her loved one remained uncertain. James was not conscious and asking for her but instead, weak and hanging on the edge.
"If there's anything you need..." the Healer said, pausing before a door.
"I'll find you." Lily knew the drill.
She stepped inside the hospital room with a deep breath. The lights were off and the curtains were drawn, she supposed to prevent any light from irritating James' head injury. With caution, Lily approached his bedside. He was motionless, lying on his back. His head was bandaged, preventing Lily from being able to get a good look at that messy hair she loved so much.
"Hi baby," she spoke softly, settling in the chair beside his bed. "I don't know if you can hear me," Lily said, certain he couldn't, "I just wanted you to know that I was here. I'm right here with you." She squeezed his hand tight, praying that somewhere beyond consciousness he could tell it was her.
"You're going to be okay," she told him, nowhere near certain it was true. "I know that because you're a fighter. It's one of the reasons I love you so much. You never give up, never." Lily tried to push back the tears that forced their way up her throat but with all the events of the day, she couldn't find the strength to hold them back.
James' hands had dried blood on them. They felt rough and worn down from fighting. Lily held them tightly in her own palms, willing the life back into them. What if he didn't make it? What if this was where their road together ended?
"Remember that first day we met? On the Hogwarts Express? I was sitting with Severus and you…you were being your arrogant eleven-year-old self," Lily chuckled sadly. "I told everyone that I hated you. I even told myself." Lily ran her hand along his cheek with care. "I didn't hate you quite as much as I put on," she assured him. "In fact, maybe I knew it even then, that you were my other half."
What did that all matter now? Those years at Hogwarts were wasted. Now Lily watched her husband lay lifelessly in a hospital bed, wondering whether he might ever wake up. Worse than that was the reminder that she was no longer supposed to be thinking of just herself.
"James," Lily whispered to her husband, pressing his hand to her heart. "We're having a baby," she told him. It was the coward's way out, whispering it to his deaf ears. Part of her hoped that the shock of the news might just soak into his subconscious memory. "So you don't get to give up," she ordered him. "Not when the two of us are counting on you." And she meant it.
It was nearing five in the morning when Marlene finally managed to drag Lily from the hospital. It was no use sitting around in uncomfortable waiting room chairs hoping in vain that James' condition might change. Lily had put up a fight, insisting she wasn't tired, but when Marlene had seen her green eyes drifting back she'd decided it was time to go.
"I'll help," Sirius insisted. He was one of the few remaining. Dorcas had refused to leave, meaning Remus remained by her side, otherwise the room had cleared out as the night had waned on.
"It's no problem…" Marlene lied, uncomfortable with the idea of being left alone with Sirius.
"I know you're capable of quite a few things, McKinnon, but you won't be able to get her halfway down the hall."
Marlene rolled her eyes, knowing damn well he was right. Few words had been shared between the two since New Years. Marlene had continued to keep her distance – finding it helped to clear her head – and Sirius had respected it, never too far from her side.
"I'm fine," Lily grumbled as she was scooped up like a baby. "I don't need sleep…"
Marlene sure did. The evening had been eventful enough to knock her out for the next month. Having three of her friends on the brink of death; one of them still hanging there and finding out Lily was pregnant, left her feeling dizzy.
She knew that Lily wouldn't take care of herself, not when James was in danger, but Lily wasn't whom Marlene was thinking about as she dragged her friend's exhausted body from St. Mungos. There was a little niece or nephew who needed their mother to rest.
Without a word shared between them, Sirius and Marlene exited the hospital and apparated to Godric's Hollow. Marlene led the way up to the cottage, using the spell James had given her to unlock the door.
"Let's get her upstairs," Marlene suggested, not bothering to turn on the lights as they moved through the house. She was afraid it'd wake Lily up, certain the redhead would try to rush back to the hospital the minute she was conscious.
Upstairs, Sirius lay Lily down gingerly, Marlene pulling the blankets up to her friend's chin. Even in her sleep, she looked worried. Here she was, newly married, about to start a new chapter, and yet, her entire life was in turmoil.
"Marlene…" Sirius whispered from across the room.
"I know." She was cornered. There was no avoiding him any longer.
They left Lily's bedroom as quietly as they'd entered, finding their way down to the kitchen. Marlene busied herself with making tea while Sirius pulled whatever food he could find from the fridge to devour. They ended up with two cups of Yorkshire Gold and peanut butter sandwiches.
"I've spent every day since that fight trying to figure out how to explain to you how sorry I am," Sirius said, breaking the silence. Marlene kept her gaze on the sandwich between her hands, too afraid to look at him. "You deserve more than an apology for my actions. I wish that there was something I could do, something that would show you how sorry I am." So did she. "All I can do is explain myself."
"It's a stalemate," Marlene sighed. She was exhausted. Not just from the night's events but from being angry. It was so hard to remember why it was she couldn't run into Sirius' arms every night.
"No one had ever told me they loved me until I met the Potters," Sirius said abruptly. "I know that's not an excuse, it just puts it all into perspective a little."
"Have I ever been unsympathetic?" Marlene asked him.
"No," he answered guiltily.
"So then when makes me deserving of that behaviour? What made you want to say all those horrible things to me?"
"You got everything I wanted to have," Sirius admitted. "You got the happy home, the love of the Potters, your relationship with James. None of that is your fault but when I stepped in on you and Regulus in my apartment it was difficult not to feel bitter."
"How are we ever going to overcome that?" It was the difficult question that lay before them. Marlene could forgive his harsh words, she could take him back and live happily, but what happened when they hit the next bump? What happened the next time Sirius was feeling particularly sour about his situation?
"A few years ago I broke your trust. First when I asked you to be with me and then backed out without an explanation and then with my promise to James. Despite all of that, despite everything I've put you through, you're still here." Marlene wasn't sure whether this was supposed to make her feel better or reminder her of what a weak-willed person she was around him. "Next to James, you're the only family I have left," he told her.
The history between them went deep. It was years long and filled with all kinds of twists and turns. With James, things had always been simple. Marlene had known from the start that James was meant to be in her life forever, no ifs or buts about it. Sirius, on the other hand, well, he'd always been a little more complicated than that.
"I know," Marlene acknowledged painfully. She wished she could give him up. It would be easier that way. If they could just quit the other they could walk away from the whole mess they'd made, close the door and never look back. It would never be that easy for the two of them, though. Marlene didn't think it was possible for her to be happy with anyone else while Sirius walked the earth.
"Where does that leave us, then?" he asked. She could see behind the blank look he forced that he was petrified. She had the power to break him in that moment, an upper hand he gave to few.
"Exactly where we've always been, I suppose," she answered, stretching her hands across the table for him to take.
"Marlene…" she knew what he wanted to say next, just by the look in his eyes. Perhaps, a few years before, she might've needed to hear it.
"You don't have to say it," she promised him. They didn't move. Not when the sun began to rise beyond the kitchen window or when the cups of tea in front of them went cold. They sat just like that, hands clasped until reality forced them to face another day.
