A/N: A lot of people were worried that the last chapter was the end, I promise there will be a fair warning before that point! As stated before, I plan to explore the experience of the Marauders in the war until the end!
"This is bloody ridiculous," Marlene stated affirmatively. Her arms were folded against her chest as she stared crossly at the wall in front of her.
"Your support is overwhelming," Lily snapped right back at her.
The two girls had been bickering all morning. More accurately, they'd been bickering since Lily had made the startling reveal of her pregnancy to Marlene and no one else. It had been weeks since she'd spilt the news about the baby and yet James remained in the dark.
"Maybe I should call your husband," Marlene suggested, knowing well she was poking a sleeping bear. "He might be a little more prepared to handle something like this."
"For Christ's sake Marley, I told you—"
"You don't think you're going to keep the baby," Marlene finished for her. "Regardless, this baby isn't just yours." Marlene was clearly hitting a nerve but it was what she aimed to do. If coddling Lily hadn't helped encourage her to accept her condition, maybe poking holes in her plan could.
Lily exhaled sharply, her green eyes avoiding any contact with Marlene. The two women remained silent after that, little left to be said between them until the bedroom door reopened and Mary's head poked in.
"Sorry," she apologised. "Patrick never gets out of the house on time…"
Mary shared a three-bedroom house in Surrey with her boyfriend and younger brother. It had been a big purchase for Mary, who was nervous about setting down roots with a boyfriend but had taken the leap regardless. Marlene didn't think she'd ever seen her friend so happy.
"What's this emergency, then?" Mary asked, sitting down in the armchair across from the bed. They were in the master bedroom, the room which promised the most privacy in the house. Lily and Marlene were sat on opposite ends of the bed, the tension between them suffocating.
"You see…I think I might need your help," Lily admitted shyly.
"Are you sick?" Mary panicked.
"No, nothing like that. I…" Lily was choking on her words, she always did when it came time to admit to her condition. Marlene found it difficult to be bitter when she saw one of the strongest women she knew so consumed with fear.
"She's pregnant," Marlene said, announcing what Lily couldn't. Mary's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. "No one knows except for me."
"Not even James?" Mary was taken aback, to say the least. Marlene was sure she was going through some of the same emotions that she had upon hearing the news. How could they have been so careless and, more importantly, how had she and Alice managed to have their fates cross twice?
"Mary," Lily's voice broke through, strained in distress. "I can't have a baby."
"Oh, Lil…"
Abortions, while legal, were usually surgical procedures in the Muggle world. Marlene had heard horror stories from Muggleborns of women travelling miles to access the procedure, left to return to their normal lives after enduring such stress alone. In the Wizarding world, they were lucky to have something a little easier: a potion which was known to help get rid of any unwanted issue….
"Please," Lily begged with a pitiful desperation in her voice. Marlene wouldn't have been surprised if she'd got down on her knees. Lucky, Lily didn't have to reach that point.
"I can help you," Mary nodded, her face still pale with shock. "It won't be pleasant, though. The potion tastes like death and the pain is almost worse."
"Fine," Lily agreed without a second thought. Marlene found it curious, the way a woman could feel about the potential of life she carried. While Alice had approached the prospect with both terror and excitement, Lily seemed to look upon her pregnancy as though it were a disease.
Marlene knew, were roles reversed, she'd never be able to keep a baby, not now. Things were different for Lily though. She had a home, a husband, a stable life. Marlene couldn't escape the thought that Lily's refusal to tell James about her condition allowed her to pretend there was no baby, just a problem to be solved.
"Well…" Mary said with some hesitation, "I am going to have to… examine you."
"Examine me?" Lily asked, voice cracking with dread.
"So that I can see how far along you are. It'll affect the strength of the potion."
While the prospect seemed to leave Lily uneasy she agreed nonetheless. Mary had them wait as she prepped the guest room to be used.
"I'm sorry," Lily said. She was sitting in the chair Mary had been in, eyes drifting off into space. Marlene, who'd been lying back on the bed, sat up suddenly. "He's your best friend."
"You're my best friend," Marlene clarified. "I just think he deserves to know, whether you choose to have the baby or not."
"No," Lily shook her head, stubbornness prevailing.
"That's his baby too, you know? You won't be able to hide this from him forever and when he finds out…"
"I know!" Lily hollered with the anguish of a woman who had run out of options. "You think I don't feel dirty every night I go to bed knowing that I'm hiding this?"
"So tell him!"
"I CAN'T!" Lily shrieked, Marlene, feeling as though she had been blown back an inch or two. "The minute that James knows, it's real. It has ten fingers and ten toes, it's a person that we need to make a decision about and I… I can't, Marlene. I can't look James in the eye and admit that I'm not strong enough to do this."
Mary tapped lightly on the door, likely uncomfortable with interrupting the shouting which lay behind it.
"I'm ready when you are," she announced, sliding from the room as quickly as she'd entered. Marlene began to gather her things in a hurry, throwing her coat over her shoulders and her scarf around her neck.
"Where are you going?" Lily asked from her chair. Marlene couldn't believe how tiny she looked sitting in it, her feet dangling just above the floor so that she needed to press her toes down to keep grounded. She looked a shadow of the women Marlene had known for nearly ten years.
"I want you to make the choice that feels the best for you, Lily, I hope you know that, but this is wrong. I think that's why you haven't told James. Abortion or no abortion, it doesn't bloody matter. All that matters is that you accept the fact that you are pregnant, the choice from there is yours."
Peter had been woken up in a hurry. He opened his eyes to find Aldora leaning over him, a grin smeared from cheek to cheek.
"Get up," she urged him. "We're going on a little adventure."
"Huh?" Peter was still half asleep as he rubbed at his tired eyes. He was trying to sort out what day it was as Aldora pulled the blanket off from over him.
"Quick, quick. We've got to be going in ten minutes."
As usual, Peter didn't bother with questions. He pulled on a fresh pair of clothes, dragged a comb through his hair, and met his rather bossy girlfriend in the living room.
She gave as little detail as possible as she led the way from the apartment, simply clutching to Peter's hand and walking at a rapid pace. Peter knew that whatever she was dragging him towards he would rather be avoiding. There wasn't much choice, though. Instead, Aldora took him around the corner, their usual spot, and the two of them apparated away.
Peter's breath was heavy as he landed on solid ground moments later, his head spinning. There was nothing he hated more than apparating in pairs. It was an excruciating experience.
"Come on," Aldora hurried him. "We have to keep moving, we're late as is."
"Late for what?" Peter asked, his voice weak as he tried to regain his balance. He looked around him but there was nothing recognisable about the neighbourhood they had landed in. It was a suburb, lines of identical houses that seemed to go on forever.
Aldora walked halfway up the block, pausing in front of a house with an oak tree in front of it, the branches swaying in the winter wind.
"Who lives here?" Peter asked.
"You'll see."
He knew, without another word, that whatever came next would be something he didn't want to see. Aldora knocked on the front door with purpose, the sound of footsteps approaching from behind it making Peter's stomach tie in knots. Peter watched as Aldora tucked her hand into the right pocket of her robe, keeping it deep in there until the door swung open.
Peter barely caught a glimpse of the man at the door before Aldora blew him off his feet.
"Stupefy!"
His head made a terrible crack as it slammed against the wall behind him, Peter quivering in his boots. He stayed frozen in his spot as Aldora had the victim bound by his hands and feet with the flick of her wand.
"Come on," she ordered impatiently, eyes on Peter. "We haven't much time."
Peter gulped anxiously, stepping inside the home, the door swinging shut behind him.
He helped Aldora carry the unconscious man into his living room, placing his limp frame in a chair, hands tied up behind him so he couldn't move.
"You're not nearly as surprised as I thought you'd be," Aldora sneered as their victim began to wake from his stupor. She circled around him like a hawk with its prey, Peter sure that her movements made the guy in the chair as dizzy as it made him.
"I figured one of you would show up here eventually wanting to kick me around," the man grumbled back, blood dripping from a wound he'd obtained on his forehead.
"I don't believe you've had the pleasure of meeting my boyfriend, Peter." Aldora glanced towards Peter, who was cowering in the corner, standing as far as he could get from the scene of the crime.
"Him?" the man scoffed. "He won't last a month. The boy looks like he's about to faint."
"You see, that's what I love about Peter. No one expects he could hurt a fly." Aldora smiled proudly towards Peter, shaking in the corner. "Yet he's our greatest asset, isn't he? That's the thing about the soft ones, they're the easiest to turn."
"Who is he?" Peter mustered up the courage to ask. The man in the chair looked old. He had light ginger hair and a scruffy beard. His eyes were tired, as though they got little time closed. He had deep frown lines around his mouth, the kind Peter remembered on Alec Potter.
"William Robertson," Aldora said before the man could speak for himself. "A Mudblood organiser."
"Get on with it, won't you?" William barked.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Aldora leant over him. She pressed her wand into the side of his neck, eyes filled with determination.
"Peter," Aldora beckoned. Peter's hands shook as he approached her, knowing that he would hate whatever was expected of him next. William's eyes searched him, as though looking for any last signs of decency. Peter still searched for it in himself sometimes, the bravery that had supposedly placed him in Gryffindor all those years ago. It was gone.
"The Cruciatus curse," Aldora whispered in his ear, her tone seductive.
She was right; no one would suspect that Peter could hurt a fly, not even him. He hated causing others pain. He hated the screams and the pleas for mercy when someone's life was on the line. With his wand, outstretched Peter looked his victim dead in the eye.
"It's not too late, Peter," the man reminded him. "You can still make the right choice."
"Crucio," Peter said, his word lacking the purpose it was meant to have. Regardless, their prisoner shook and shrieked from his chair as Peter's wand remained pointed at him, the pain of the curse making the veins in William's temple pop.
When Aldora was pleased with the amount of pain that Peter had caused she took over the job, switching between torturing William and demanding information from him. Peter stayed to watch for a little while but after seeing the man being put under the Cruciatus curse for the third time he needed a break.
He pretended to go on a search for the bathroom, instead, hiding in the first room he saw. His breathing was heavy as he collapsed to the floor behind the door. His vision blurred in and out of focus as his ears rang with the fear that had been bundled up inside of him since he'd stepped inside the house.
Peter stayed there for a while, breathing deeply until he felt his senses return to normal. He opened his eyes, letting the light flood them once more. It was then he saw the figure standing in front of him but it took a moment before he could properly recognise who it was. Dark hair. Petite frame. Fringe.
"Oh my god," she gasped, hand thrown over her mouth. The girl began to back up as far as she could get, scrambling from Peter like he was some kind of monster. "Oh god."
"Leila?" Peter panicked, scrambling to his feet. Leila had backed up into the dresser behind her, knocking a picture frame over with a crash that sent both her and Peter jumping into the air. "What are you doing here?"
"I…I…" her words scrambled together. She stared at Peter with a terror he had not previously experienced. He was used to being treated as though he didn't exist. He was used to people glaring and laughing in his direction as they poked fun at him. He was not accustomed to the look of fear Leila gave him.
"You're not supposed to be here…"
"I got involved in the group...s-support for Muggleb-borns and I…." Tears filled her big brown eyes. "I…I've been seeing him…" The colour drained from her face. "Did you kill him?" If he wasn't dead already, Peter knew he would be soon enough.
"Let me go," she begged him, as Peter said nothing. "Please, I swear I'll go quietly. I'll never tell anyone, I'll…I'll just go back to being nobody." She clenched her eyes shut, the pleas for mercy beginning. "Peter, please."
Peter stared at her with pity. She was just a kid and there she stood, begging a former classmate for her life. What if Peter let her go? What if he helped her climb from the bedroom window and leave the scene before anyone could know she'd been there? Perhaps, there was still a chance left for Peter.
"I don't want to hurt you, Leila." She seemed to breathe a little easier after hearing that.
Peter doubted they had much time. He'd already been gone too long and soon Aldora would come looking for him. If Leila was going to make it out she had to go now.
"Thank you," she said with a deep exhale. "Thank you, Peter."
Leila stepped towards him, he assumed to show her gratitude, when the light reflected off something behind her back. Peter's mind worked quickly. He yanked his wand from his back pocket before she could take another step.
"Accio knife!"
Leila gasped as the weapon flung from her hand and into Peter's. He didn't think, he barely breathed, as he plunged it into her chest. She inhaled sharply at first, gasping for air before collapsing backwards.
Peter realised, as she sunk into his arms, that this was the first time he'd been responsible for a person's death. Never had he seen the light drain from a person's eyes or listened to their final words.
Leila didn't speak. Peter wasn't sure if she could as blood flooded her airway and spilt from the corner of her mouth like water from a fountain. Her round brown eyes watched Peter till her last breath. No longer just a tag along. Now, he was her killer.
Peter felt for her pulse, dropping Leila's limp body to the floor like a used ragdoll.
"Pete!" Aldora's voice called from the living room. "For heaven's sake, where are you!"
Peter stepped from the bedroom. Each footstep felt light, as though he were walking on air, and his vision was clearer than ever before.
"What took you so long?" she complained. William lay limp in his chair, his head bent forward.
"Had to take care of the girlfriend."
"And?" Aldora asked a hint of pride in her tone.
"She's gone."
Lily had been paralysed in her living room for over an hour. Since returning home from Mary's she'd been stuck staring at the bottle of potion rested on her coffee table. Luckily, James was out all day with Sirius – likely wreaking havoc – and wasn't expected home till late in the evening. It gave Lily enough time to take the potion and deal with the painful repercussions without her husband ever noticing she'd had more than the stomach flu.
The thing was, she'd spent the past hour frozen as a statue. She couldn't understand why the choice had suddenly become so difficult. For weeks she'd prayed to wake up one morning and find out the pregnancy was all just a terrible dream. With a simple drink of the potion Mary friend had provided, Lily could make her dream a reality. So why was it suddenly so hard to reach across the table?
Maybe it was the fact that this was the first secret Lily had ever kept from James, or perhaps that, planned or not, there was a baby inside of her. A tiny being, a mixture of James and her and all the loved ones they'd lost. It was difficult for Lily to resent its presence the more she thought about it.
That was foolish though, wasn't it? For every reason to keep it, there were a million not to. The war that raged on, the fact that she was just twenty-one, her birthday having passed a week ago. Pick up the damn bottle Lily, she ordered herself, let this whole bloody thing be over.
For the first time since returning home, she stood up, walking far away from the decision that plagued her. It was easy to imagine life without a baby; it was all Lily knew, but what of the life with one? Was it the nightmare she imagined?
She could see it, a high chair rested against the wall in the kitchen. James, sat in his usual place, feeding their child mushed up baby food for breakfast as Lily made tea. The fresh smell of a baby's skin. Cuddles in the living room, the three of them all snuggled together.
What of the spare room? The one they called Marlene's. It was the perfect size for a kid. Lily imagined covering the walls in children's wallpaper, decorating it with pictures of their family. Baby toys scattered through their home, a reminder of the small person who resided in it. A bassinet in the middle of it all...
A lump formed in Lily's throat as she pressed her hand to her stomach. It was too much to bear. Either way, she lost something and there was no way to know which one was worth it until it was too late.
"What do you think?" she asked. The question caught even her by surprise for it was the first time she'd really acknowledged the growing life inside of her. Before that, it had only been a problem to solve, not a baby. Tears flowed down her face.
"Damn it," Lily cursed, eyes pinched shut. "Damn it."
It was late afternoon, Remus' favourite time of day. The sun was beginning to set – the beginning of a long night – and Remus was dozing off, a book spread across his chest. He was stretched out across the couch like a lazy house cat. Perfectly warm, perfectly comfortable and completely content. It was not until the front door opened that his bliss was interrupted.
"Hey," Remus yawned, greeting Dorcas as she stepped inside. She'd been at work all day and the look on her face showed it. At first, Remus thought she might just be tired. Her eyes were droopy and her lips pursed. The closer she got to him though, the clearer it was that something was wrong.
"Everything alright?" he asked. He pulled himself up into a seated position, patting the spot beside him for Dorcas to take. It was not until he saw the sympathetic look in her eyes, as though she were staring at a kicked puppy, that he began to panic.
"You're scaring me," Remus told her, hands clutched tightly in his lap.
"I'm so sorry, Remus," she apologised, her voice cracking.
His mind leapt to the worst conclusions. His parents were hurt, something had happened to one of his friends. Remus' stomach twisted and turned as he waited for the truth to come out and the repercussions that would follow.
"Leila McAllister…" Dorcas paused, turning her head away for a moment. "She was found dead."
The words didn't quite register. Remus stayed still, watching as his girlfriend, whose expression was filled with regret, waited on his reaction. Leila wasn't dead. No. She wasn't a soldier, she wasn't fighting off Death Eaters on a regular basis. She was living her normal life. She was safe. It didn't matter how many times he reminded himself of the fact, it didn't make the look on Dorcas' face go away.
"Remus?" she said softly, sounding near tears. "Did you hear me?" He nodded. Talking would take more strength than he had. "She was seeing William Johnston, the Muggleborn organiser. They must've been introduced at one of his meet ups...they went to his home and she…well, she was there…when they came for him…" Stuck in the crossfire. It was the one thing he'd always hoped she could avoid….
No, she wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. Not Leila. Not that sweet girl. The one reeked of innocence and good intentions. The first girl he'd had the guts to confess his secret to, the first girlfriend he'd truly had. She'd been a lot of firsts for Remus…perhaps he'd been a lot of lasts for her.
"Where is she?" Remus asked. His tone was flat, no sorrow nor grief to be found.
"St. Mungo's now…"
"I want to see her."
"Oh Remus, it won't be pretty—"
"Please." He turned to Dorcas, the weight of his grief on display. His face was sunken, his eyes moist. "I have to say goodbye." More truthfully, he had to see, once and for all, if the sweet Hufflepuff girl he'd once cared for so deeply was really gone.
It didn't take long to convince Dorcas that it was what he needed. Without a word, Remus got ready to go out into the cold March evening, his heart in his throat. Nothing seemed real anymore. It was like a dream and perhaps it was easier that way, easier for Remus to believe that none of it could really be happening.
He stayed a few paces behind Dorcas once they entered the hospital, allowing her to speak to the people necessary to get them in to see the victim. Remus could do nothing but follow silently, his head bowed, as he made one of the hardest journeys of his life.
"I'm going to be right out here," Dorcas assured him. They had been taken down to the basement, where they kept patients who had died. Leila had been placed in a cold room with an assortment of other dead people, now just another number.
"Okay," Remus nodded, forgetting to thank her for everything she'd done.
The Healers had brought Leila out, placing her on a metal table, which levitated off the floor, in the middle of the room. The space was dimly lit, the temperature so low it pimpled Remus' skin with goosebumps. Slowly, one foot in front of the other, he approached her. He waited to find that they'd been wrong; they'd found the wrong girl. The whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding.
It wasn't, though. There, lying flat on the table, was Leila McAllister. Her eyes were closed and her arms lay by her sides. She had the same long hair Remus had remembered, her bangs swept to the side now. Her skin, once beautiful and tanned tan, had gone grey. That was what happened when your heart stopped beating.
Remus reached a hand out to touch her, recoiling upon finding her skin ice cold. There was no longer a person inside of that body, only a hollow case. Remus had not cried many times in his life but here the tears flowed without pause. Sobbing was unavoidable as he realised that she was gone forever.
He could hear her voice, soft and smooth as butter. Her white teeth sparkling as she smiled at him, her dimples peaking out of her cheeks.
"Read another," Remus urged as they lay beneath the tree by the Great Lake. It was early fall, the leaves on the trees turned a beautiful shade of orange. Leila rested her head against Remus' chest. She held an old book of Dylan Thomas poems in her hands, reading her favourites aloud.
"Do not go gentle into that good night," Leila recited. "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
"They won't get away with this," Remus promised her, still choked up with tears. Nor will I ever forgive myself.
He couldn't remember the last thing he'd said to her but he was certain it had not been enough. Likely a piece of tension-filled small talk. He hadn't known then it would be his last chance. He'd thought, perhaps, one day they'd run into each other again. They'd be old and happy. They could laugh about their younger days and the irreplaceable moments they had shared.
He knew it was time to leave but his legs couldn't seem to move towards the door. This would be the last time he saw her, his final goodbye. Nothing felt good enough for those final words, the ones that would fall upon deaf ears. She hadn't lived enough, she hadn't loved enough, and she hadn't had enough bloody time. There was no cure for the destruction caused by death.
"Goodnight, love," Remus whispered. He pressed his lips to her forehead for the last time and left the room with a rage burning within him.
James had been expecting to return home to a quiet house and a sleeping wife. What he found instead was quite the opposite.
The lamp in the living room gave off a yellowish glow as James stepped inside the house. James could hear the sound of quiet snuffles and stepped through the living room to see Lily, sat at the dining room table, sobbing.
"What's happened?" James panicked. He rushed to her side, Lily crumpling into him.
"Where the bloody hell have you been?"
"Sirius took me for a spin on the motorbike."
"You said you'd be home hours ago!" she wept.
"I'm home now," he promised, stroking her hair the way he always did when she needed comforting.
"Leila McAllister was murdered," Lily told him, soaking his shirt in tears.
James' stomach sank. He'd never been very close with the girl, and quite honestly he'd been happy when Remus had moved on with Dorcas, but he knew the toll that her loss would take on one of his best friends. James could only think of Remus, who had spent months deeply attached to Leila. She'd been his first love.
"Hey," James attempted to calm his wife, who was nearly hysterical over the news. "Shh." He was more than a little confused by Lily's reaction. They'd witnessed the death of those closer to them in the past year and Lily had shown half the emotion. What on earth made Leila so different?
"What if this is just the beginning?" Lily asked her husband, her eyes puffy from all the tears as she rose up from her chair to look at him. "We knew her, James. We went to school with her for six years and now…" her voice broke. "She's dead."
"We're going to be okay," he assured her, knowing damn well it was a promise he couldn't keep.
"No," Lily shook her head.
"We're the survivors, Lil, we are. We're going to keep fighting—"
"That's all we've done for nearly two years," Lily reminded him hopelessly. "All we've done is fight and we're losing James, we're losing this bloody war."
She dropped her face into her hands and cried harder, James left helpless. He couldn't fix it. He couldn't tell her it wasn't true. The sight of Lily left so broken snapped his heart in two. James thought it hurt more than any injury he could ever receive. She was his life raft, she couldn't sink.
"What can I do to make you feel better?" James asked. Her pain made tears prickle in his eyes. He leant forward, pressing his forehead to hers, rubbing his hands along her upper arms.
"Nothing," Lily continued to cry. "There's nothing…"
"Lily, please," he begged her, feeling sick to his stomach. "Talk to me."
"I'm pregnant," she told him her face lifting from her hands. "Two and a half months, apparently."
James watched her, his face blank, as her body began to shake. He couldn't figure out what the right thing to say at such a moment was. Instead, he waited, waited for her to say something, anything that would allow the news to make sense.
Two and a half months, nearly a whole trimester. How the hell was he only hearing about this now?
"How long have you known?" James asked her.
"I found out just after Christmas," she confessed.
"Christ, Lily," James pinched the bridge of his nose as the pressure grew in his head. It was all just a little too much. "That's nearly a month you didn't tell me. What were you going to do? Just wait till I noticed?"
"I was trying to digest it all myself and then…then you had your accident and I thought…" His voice cracked as she struggled to explain herself. "I thought that you were going to die James."
"What about after that? What about when it was just you and me in this bloody house for over a week?"
Lily bowed her head guiltily. "I thought…I thought I was doing what was best…"
"What was best?" James bellowed. "What was that then, Lily?" He'd pushed his chair back, getting as far from her as he could.
"I just wanted it to be over!" Lily confessed, fresh tears streaking her cheeks. "I thought that was what was best for everyone."
"You're unbelievable," James muttered under his breath. He could hardly look at her, pushing out of his chair with a deafening screech. Lily chased him to the front door as James attempted to get as far from his home as possible.
"James, wait!" Lily pleaded, trying to stop him from walking out the door. "I'm sorry." He could tell that she was hurting just was much as he was, she had to be to hide a secret like that for so long, but it didn't stop him from the fury that blazed inside of him each time he looked at her. "I'm so sorry, James..."
"You should've told me."
"I know…"
"That's my baby too, don't you realise that?" James' voice was soaked in pain. "You were just going to get rid of it without ever telling me…"
"It wasn't that simple!" she tried desperately to explain.
"It is to me."
He slammed the front door behind himself, desperate to get as far from Godric's Hollow as he could.
It was one in the morning but Sirius and Marlene were nowhere near sleep. After a having a few beers with James, Sirius had returned home to find Marlene in his old Quidditch shirt, pulling a pan of "special" brownies from the oven.
"Party favour?" she asked with a grin.
An hour later they lay side by side on Sirius' bed, Marlene's head rested on his chest, the two of them perfectly content in their own little bubble.
"Do you think it's possible?" Marlene asked. "An afterlife?" Sirius wasn't surprised by the question. The thought of death had been ripe in his mind since he'd heard about Leila McAllister.
"I want to," he told her honestly. Part of him prayed it was real while the other saw the naivety in the whole thing. Ghosts were spirits unable to accept their end, did that not hint that everyone else was prepared for the darkness that followed life?
"I think…maybe, there's a place, you know? An in-between where you can wait for those you love." Sirius knew there were a few people Marlene had in mind when she considered her "in-between."
"It's a nice thought," he agreed.
Marlene took a breath, as though getting ready to speak, but then stopped. Sirius might've asked what she meant to say next had he not grown so interested in the shadow the curtains cast across his ceiling.
"Are you afraid of death?" Marlene finally probed.
He knew that at his age he should've been. There were years ahead of him, so much left to learn and do. How on earth could already Sirius be prepared to give it all up?
"Not the act itself. Maybe the things I'd miss… the people…."
"If I die for this war…" Marlene paused, as though afraid her next words might jinx her. "I think I'll be okay with that."
Sirius ran his fingers through her hair. He grew distracted by the rise and fall of her chest, the way her curls felt slipping through his hands. He didn't like to think about a world where he couldn't spend his evenings doing just this. He didn't like to imagine a time when Marlene could be gone, stuck in her "in-between," waiting. Sirius grew so distracted he nearly missed the sound of someone knocking at the door.
"Am I imagining that?" Marlene asked, breaking his concentration.
"I don't think so."
They both moved quickly, getting dressed and running their fingers through their hair. They were well prepared for emergencies. Despite their inebriated state they managed to sober up quickly.
Sirius' heart was pounding like a drum as he swung open the front door – ready for any level of crisis – to find James Potter on the doorstep.
"Prongs?"
"You will never believe the night I've had," James slurred, his eyes rolling back in his head as he spoke.
"I thought you were going home to Lily?" Sirius couldn't quite piece together what his friend would be doing, drunk as a skunk, on his doorstep. Marlene appeared behind him, peering over Sirius' shoulder with an expression less clueless than his.
"Oh, James," Marlene sighed, pulling his staggering frame through the door. She forced him onto the couch, sending Sirius for water. Sirius couldn't quite comprehend what was going on. He knew it must've involved Lily, which was what gave Marlene her insight. Was she sick? Had she fallen ill with the same thing as her mother? Was she cheating on James?
"I just ran," James confessed, Marlene running circles into his back as Sirius reentered the room.
"What is he talking about?" Sirius whispered to her.
"You'd have run too, wouldn't you, Padfoot?" James asked, leaning forward to get a better look at his friend.
"Run from what?" Sirius asked. He was afraid of the answer he was about to receive; certain whatever it was, it was about to change everything.
"From responsibility," James said with a defeated sigh as he dropped back into the couch.
"That doesn't sound like you, mate."
Marlene stood up, Sirius replacing her beside James, and began to pace across the room. She bit her nails as she went, an anxious habit.
"I don't think I can do it," James admitted, shaking his head shamefully. "I just want it to be a bad dream."
"Someone is going to have to fill me in here," the anxiety in Sirius' voice grew. "What in Merlin's name is going on?" Marlene was still pacing so intensely Sirius thought she might burn a hole in the floor.
"She's pregnant," James spat out. "My - wife - is - pregnant." Each word carried its own emphasis.
Sirius thought he might be in shock. His hands went cold as ice and each time he tried to open his mouth to speak it was as though he'd lost the function. Lily Potter could not be pregnant. It had been one thing to find out about Alice, but his own best friend? James, a dad?
"Marls?" Sirius finally croaked. Marlene had stopped her pacing, her blue eyes shining with guilt. He wondered how long she'd been holding onto that one. After all their talk of honesty between them, she'd turned around and done this...
"Stay here," Sirius, commanded his friend. "I mean it, don't move a muscle."
"I won't," James grumbled, looking seconds from sleep.
Sirius moved with purpose towards the bedroom, Marlene dragged along with him. He didn't dare confront her with James in the room.
"How long have you known?" he snapped the minute the door shut behind them.
"I begged her to tell him!" Marlene confessed.
"How long?"
"Since the hospital…"
"For fuck's sake, Marlene," he cursed, taking his turn with the pacing.
"I didn't have a choice Sirius. I told her she needed to tell him and she didn't listen. Then this morning when she…" Marlene cut herself short. "She wasn't going to keep it," she explained, not appearing proud of her part in any of it. "I told her it was wrong…" Her words spilled out in a flood, one Sirius would've rathered hold back for a little while longer.
He turned away from her. He had no right to be mad. She'd kept the secret for her friend and done what any good person would've. Yet, the realization that she'd been able to sleep beside him each night and keep something so big inside without telling him… it stung.
"What would you have done?" she challenged him. "If I told him the truth I'd be betraying her. I'd compromise their relationship. If I told you then you'd be involved, you'd be just as guilty as me for not telling him."
Sirius had to admire her logic. It was true that she'd sowed the path that had caused the least drama – although the blow up had been unavoidable for James and Lily. Sirius dropped onto the end of the bed, head in his hands.
"She was going to get rid of it," Marlene told him, stepping towards Sirius cautiously. "When I left her this morning she was getting a potion from Mary. I told her I didn't want to be part of it and left, I… I don't know what she did from there."
"She couldn't have taken it," Sirius reasoned, taking into account James' state. "He might've been angry but he wouldn't have been…"
"Like this," Marlene agreed. She joined him on the edge of the bed, sitting gingerly beside him. "I'm sorry," she apologized, eyes facing forward. "I didn't want to drag you into it. I didn't want to betray her either, not when she trusted me." Sirius couldn't blame her. He'd have done the same for James had his friend asked.
"It was bad enough when one couple was having a baby."
"I know," Marlene nodded. She slid her hand towards Sirius' side slowly until he placed his own on top of it. The pair of them took a much deserved minute. All Sirius could do was imagine how James might be feeling about the prospect of fatherhood. He knew how he'd feel about it himself, petrified. Sirius was just thankful it wasn't Marlene coming forward with the big confession.
"Go," he whispered to her. "Lily needs you."
"Are we okay?" she asked him nervously.
"We're okay." Sirius leant in for a kiss, short and sweet before she had to go. Reality had managed to sneak its way back into their lives even in the purest of moments.
