Chapter Three:

It's Wednesday.

Mama passed on a Tuesday and it's only been a year.

Souta calls me to ask if I'm ok.

"I should be the one calling you Souta." I chastise him, but he knows how much I appreciate him checking on me.

"How are you doing sis? Did you go visit her?" I let out the breath I had been holding.

"Not yet, Sesshoumaru and I are going later today." Souta is uncharacteristically quiet. I weigh out the pros and cons of asking what's wrong.

Is it because of Gramps passing so close to Mom? We're all that's left of our family.

"What's wrong Souta?" He breathes loudly on the other end.

"It's Ayumi…" His voice trails for a moment, I hear a door close gently before he continues.

"She's… She's pregnant." His words hit me with a gravity I never expected.

The air leaves my lungs at a rate I never thought could happen.

I'm surprised, but I'm happy.

"Souta! You're going to be a dad!" I smile as I say this and make sure he can hear it.

"Yeah...I'm going to be a dad" He doesn't sound very excited. I don't know if I should press the matter, I stay quiet for a moment, listening to him breathe.

"Kagome, I'm scared. I never thought I would be the first one to become a parent… I wish mom was here." He sounds so sad, my heart breaks, for him.

"It'll be okay Souta, I promise" I do my best to sound as reassuring as possible.

He must be terrified.

We finish the phone call with pleasantries and I tell him to keep me updated with everything.

I know Sesshoumaru has heard every word, but he waits for me to tell him.

We pile into the car, he's driving and I fiddle with the flowers I picked from the garden.

"Souta's going to be a dad" I tell the flowers in my hands. I try to sound excited but I know I'm not doing a very good job at it.

"Does that make me an uncle?" He's trying to make me laugh.

"I guess it does" I giggle lightly. He's looking at me from the corner of his eye, gauging my reaction, weighing out how he should proceed.

I don't even know how he should proceed. I don't even know how I feel about all of this.

There's a part of me that's so excited to welcome a new family member into this world. I get to be a part of the whole process, start to finish.

But there's a part of me that rages with jealousy. I always assumed that I would pave the way for Souta. I always thought that I would always be first for everything.

Now Ayumi will become a mother and I will be an aunt.

"Do you ever want children?" We're here, Sesshoumaru has parked and I blurt out the question before my brain can stop it.

"Pardon?" I know he heard me.

"Do you...Do you want children?" I weigh the words out before saying them. They feel so heavy on my tongue. Weighted down by the gravity of what us having children really means.

He looks out the windshield, hands still placed on the wheel like he's still driving. I can see his eyes lock onto something in the distance before his mouth begins to move.

"I'm not sure" Is not the answer that I was expecting from the stoic Sesshoumaru I once knew.

"What do you mean?" I reach out to him, touching his knee, he turns his head.

"I don't know if I want to put you through that" His voice is so soft, gentle, kind. It breaks the silence so swiftly.

"Shouldn't that be my own choice?" He takes a breath, closing his eyes for a moment. He knows it should be my own choice, it should be me who decides what to do with my own body.

"I also don't know if I want to create a half demon in this day and age." Even softer than before I almost have to strain to hear him. I feel my breath catch, I have to look away from him.

"I thought you would have outgrown your hatred by now." I say almost sternly. My voice doesn't even sound like my own. I try to control the heat in my veins but it feels like I will boil over. I want to scream.

"Kagome…" His voice makes my name sound so sweet, but I don't let him finish.

"No, you've made up your mind. There's no use in me fighting you." A single clawed finger pulls my chin to face him, I reach for the door handle, trying to get out. Trying to break out of this confining space.

I have to close my eyes to keep from crying.

"Kagome, look at me." Dripping with sweetness he almost begs me to open my eyes.

"Please look at me" He tries again.

I do what he says.

His eyes swim with emotion, he grasps at words, trying to describe what he's feeling.

"I don't want to burden you with bearing a half demon child. I know nothing about the strain it will put on you." He's telling the truth. We don't have access to the knowledge we used to.

The well closed and when it did all my connections to the demon world did.

"I want to make an informed and rational decision before we do this." Well that's a romantic answer.

"So you're open to the idea?" I try to hide the hopefulness in my voice. Taking a deep breath I speak again, "We could probably find old folk tales at the university since there isn't anyone else to talk to about this."

Now it's his turn to take a breath before speaking.

"We could also pay a visit to my mother." The air leaves my lungs so quickly I feel faint.

"She's still alive?!" He pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Unfortunately yes, she lives with my step father"


"What if we call Maksimir, he was around when Aleks and Demitri were born." It's a Sunday and Sesshoumaru is doing what he does every Sunday.

"Maksmir knows nothing of what it's like to have a half demon child" He's stress baking, he does this every Sunday and brings it all into his office on Monday morning. I sit at the kitchen table, watching as he dances between pots on the stove and pans in the oven.

"How do you know that?" He stops momentarily, meeting my eyes, I try to hold back my anger.

"I asked him" He says this like I immediately should have known he would reach out to him. I let out a snort before I can stop myself.

"You asked him? When?" I stand, taking on my unspoken bowl duty. This is how our Sundays work, Sesshoumaru sets out on making an insurmountable mountain of baked goods, then he becomes silently overwhelmed with the process. I do my best to help him where I can, mostly assisting in mixing things, I will occasionally be allowed to help with frostings, but he forces me to read the steps aloud.

"I called him when you were at work." He looms over my shoulder, taking a spoon from his apron and testing the whipped cream.

I think that's Sesshoumaru's way of saying, he's been thinking about this non stop since I brought it up. I put a lid on my anger for a moment, and think about what he's processing. The thought of having a child must terrify him, perhaps he feels like he's following his father's footsteps.

"So you've been thinking about this constantly then? Us starting a family?" I catch a peak of his blush from the corner of my eye.

"I wanted to do some research, before we started anything" So calculated, so precise.

Before we started anything, the sound of those words made me fall into a cold sweat. Before we start a family. I feel my hands get clammy, the whisk almost falling from my grasp. Taking a deep breath I put the bowl down. No longer angry, just overwhelmed.

"What if this isn't the right time, what if we're not meant to have children. Are demons and priestesses even allowed to have children together? Have you talked to your mother yet?" I can feel myself begin to panic, breath hastening. Sesshoumaru pulls over one of our chairs, hand on my shoulder guiding me down gently.

"We don't have to do this." His voice is so calm, his eyes lock onto mine. I put my head into my hands, pushing my bangs from my face which is altogether far too warm.

"Have you looked at folk tales yet?" Quiet I know he can hear me.

"What if, I don't want to know what I've gotten myself into." He kneels before me, the once great lord no longer towered over me. Placing his head into my lap, he wraps his arms around me completely. Melting into me, he does nothing but breathe, composing himself silently before he begins to speak.

"I cannot lose you." He sounds so scared, so raw, so emotional. Closing his eyes I brush his hair from his face. He almost looks like a child.

I wonder if his mother ever showed him any affection, he always speaks of her so coldly. Closing my eyes I imagine a young Sesshoumaru yearning for attention, only to be met by scorn.

My heart breaks.

I can't imagine myself with a child, I can't imagine myself being a mother. I can't picture our family.

"You won't lose me, I promise" I whisper, running my fingers through his long dark hair. I catch a glimpse of his marks on his face, I don't want to disappoint him. My own self doubt is forever holding me back.

"I can't watch you die…" His voice trails, eyes closed he grabs me tighter.

"You won't watch me die…" He will though, and he knows it. One day I will die and he will have to continue on, he will have to pick up the pieces of his own life like he has so many times before me.

Sesshoumaru will move on and continue and I will stay here and deteriorate in this earth.

I can't leave him with nothing to live for, but is having a child the right decision?

"Can we try?" I whisper, letting all of my doubt leave my body. "I just want to try," I say again, folding over and kissing his ear.

"We can try."


End of Chapter Three

End of Part One