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January 1864
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[MS]

Several weeks after the incident on my first patrol, Hijikata called the leaders of the Shinsengumi into a meeting to discuss new patrol schedules and training rounds. At first, I was surprised to be invited, but the reason for my attendance quickly became apparent when he explained that there was a new rumor about a bald Rangaku physician working in Fushimi at a place called Takeda Inn. Despite the fact that the rumors about Masu's had turned up nothing thus far, I still couldn't help but feel excited. I volunteered to go immediately, and as Saito was assigned to lead the trip, I was given permission to go. Harada volunteered as the second captain to come with us, a fact which made me look forward to the trip even more.

I enjoyed spending time with Harada, and the past few weeks had given us little opportunity to do so. Hijikata had sent Yamazaki and his partner, Shimada, to the area around Masu's. There, they established a network of intelligence to spy on the goings on within the shop. Thanks to Yamazaki's skill, we were able to bribe one of the Choshu sympathizers to act as a mole for us. However, even though he had been able to provide some good intelligence on the Choshu, we were no closer to finding out more about my father's whereabouts. The Shinsengumi's patience was wearing thin in that regard, and they planned to raid the shop any day now to arrest as many Choshu as they could.

"The shop is small," Nagakura mentioned during the meeting. "Sano, Heisuke, and I can lay waste to that place in minutes with just the three of us."

Saito rubbed his chin. "The shop is two stories tall. There are too many ambush points. You need to take at least two teams with you to achieve a successful raid with relatively little risk."

Heisuke pursed his lips. "You're always too careful, Hajime-kun. It's no fun."

"We can't afford any losses," Hijikata cut in. Beside him, Kondou and Sannan nodded in agreement.

While they continued discussing their plans for the raid, I served everyone some tea. It wasn't something I did often, but it was a chore I could share with the men. That pleased me greatly and really made me feel closer to them. I reminisced about all the entertaining times that I'd experienced as a result of sharing the cooking detail with Saito, Souji, and Harada. To my surprise, Saito had proven to be a very patient and proficient cook, though he tended to stick to tried and true recipes and rarely wanted to try something new. Souji was impatient and tended to put too many spices in his food, something that acutely frustrated the other warriors. When I volunteered to help during his week, they had all been immensely grateful.

Of course, my volunteering to help wasn't entirely without a selfish motive. Volunteering meant no one questioned why I was in certain places at certain times. In order to keep researching Father's elixir, I needed many types of equipment from the kitchens and around the compound. I did feel guilt over lying to the men who trusted me so much, but there was nothing I could do to act otherwise at the moment. I needed to understand more about my father's motives, and the only way to do that was to work in secrecy.

"That's settled, then," Kondou concluded after a lengthy conversation with his men. "In one week, we will raid Masu's after dark. The new uniforms should come in handy."

I'd heard that the Shinsengumi had ordered some new uniforms specifically for night patrols and raids, but I hadn't actually seen them in person yet. Not wanting to slow the momentum of the conversation, I didn't chime in. Sitting back down at my tray, I sipped my tea while the men finalized all arrangements, looking forward to the moment when I could go back to my room and prepare to depart for Fushimi. I tried to make a mental list of everything I would need. Fushimi was south of Kyoto. It would be a long trek, and though I was used to traveling after all the months I'd spent on the road, I might tire easily after spending so long cooped up in this compound.

I almost choked on my tea when a large hand holding a pair of chopsticks reached around me from behind and nabbed a piece of fish from my plate. I turned around just in time to see Souji pop it in his mouth with a mischievous grin. Still not wanting to make a fuss during an important meeting, I stayed silent, but I gave him a glare I hoped would intimidate him. I should have known, however, that my glaring at him would only serve as encouragement. He did this at least two more times, and by the time he tried for a third go at my fish, Harada grabbed his wrist.

Though the older man's eyes twinkled, his tone was far from jovial. "Souji, cut that out," he said. "She's skinny enough without you taking food from her, too."

"She's the one that tells me to eat more all the time," Souji snickered. "Don't be such a hard ass, Sano."

"Want to try stealing my food, Souji?" Harada asked.

"No, thanks," Souji chuckled. "You don't look like an angry kitten when I do it to you."

Shaking my head as they continued bantering, I picked up empty tea and sake cups onto a tray, excused myself, and headed out of the room. I wasn't really frustrated with Souji. Instead, I wondered if he noticed my lack of appetite lately. With my head filled to the brim with matters of the elixir, finding Father, and working hard to complete my duties as a physician, I was too tired to feel hungry most days. Hearing Harada calling me "too thin" made me wonder if I was neglecting my health too much, though. Even though I was a demon, I needed to take care of my body. Something had changed since the night my father had been kidnapped. My wounds no longer healed as quickly as they used to, and I wasn't able to revert to my true appearance at will. Perhaps it was just exhaustion. As a doctor, I could recognize that I was pushing myself quite hard on a daily basis.

As I left the room, I….

**Returned the trays and went to train in the gardens** (Track 2: Saito) [T2HC][T4]

**Headed to the kitchens to check on my medicinal brews** (Track 1: Souji) [T1SC]


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[T1SC]

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Upon entering the kitchens, I began checking on all the pots and pans containing my medicinal ingredients. I'd been able to process quite a few of them in a short time thanks to the large equipment Yamazaki had gifted me recently. It helped speed up the process when making daily regimens for so many soldiers. Hijikata had even lent me his advice. To my surprise, he revealed that he used to sell medicine for his family business and knew quite a bit about making powders and tinctures. He seemed a bit embarrassed to discuss it, yet somehow proud too, for he had gone from selling medicine on the streets to being a recognized warrior thanks to his work with the Shinsengumi. It had been endearing to see the usual moody commander in a different light, and I'd enjoyed our conversation immensely.

Reminiscing about the various fond memories I now had with all of these men, I spent several hours in the kitchen, using the down time between medicine making to prepare a hearty meal for the evening. A few pages scurried in and out during that time, relieved when they saw that I'd taken this task onto myself. I was so focused on my work that I hardly noticed when a set of voices began speaking just outside the doors. I stepped closer to listen. It sounded like Kondou, Harada, and Souji. The last thing I wanted to do was to eavesdrop on their conversation. I meant to open the door and make my presence known, but suddenly I heard my name.

"Agreeing for her to go to Fushimi? Have you lost it?" Souji asked. "That's a long trip. What are you going to do if something happens on the way?"

"Saito and I will be there," Harada said. "There won't be a problem."

Were they worried about me?

"She's been training with Hajime," Kondou said. "Didn't you say she was improving?"

"That's not the point," Souji argued. "I'm saying, what are you going to do if she bolts?"

"Runs away?" Harada repeated. "Why even ask that?"

"Have any of you considered that she knows more than she's letting on?" Nobody answered. "Think, Sano. She saw the Furies that night, but she hasn't asked anyone about them. She's Kodo's daughter. You don't honestly believe she didn't know anything about what he was doing, do you?"

Footsteps approached and another voice spoke up; Sannan. "Souji is right," he said. "With how skilled she is in the sphere of medicine, I too find it dubious that she knows nothing of Kodo's research."

Research? Father? Were they talking about the elixir? And they'd mentioned Furies…what did they mean?

"Sannan," Hijikata said impatiently. "I know you've been chomping at the bit waiting for your arm to heal, but you've got to stop talking nonsense."

"Truth is often unpleasant," Sannan sighed. "I don't think we should be allowing Yukimura-kun to go anywhere outside, even on patrols."

"Well," Kondou said hesitantly. "I still believe she should be there for the raid on Masu's. She'll wait in a safe place with Yamazaki, but her medical skills could save some of our men's lives."

"Kondou-san," Souji said. "Please think about what I told you. Whatever the case, she's a liability, and letting her out of the compound is a risk to us. If we lose her, we'll lose our advantage."

My heart went stone cold. Afraid that if I heard any more, I wouldn't be able to contain my whirlwind of emotions, I gathered my medicines on a tray as silently as I could and rushed back out of the smaller exit from the kitchens.


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[T2HC][T4]

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After returning the tray to the kitchens, I headed back to my study. Saito and I hadn't been able to train this morning, and I was starting to grow restless. To my surprise, he had kept up with our new regimen. By now, it was no longer much of a secret. Souji had joined us a few times, and Harada and Heisuke had discovered our secret training area about a week ago. Souji hadn't been able to resist teasing me in one way or another about my skills, and I was certain that rumors had spread about our sparring sessions. Fortunately, however, no one had bothered us thus far. It was a relief. The last thing I wanted was an audience to my daily humiliation. Though I was improving every day, Saito still easily defeated me in every single one of our bouts.

Judging by previous patterns, I knew Kondou and everyone would be in their meeting for some time. So, I decided to make up for missing morning training by doing some basic exercises. I hoped that moving around some would help ease the heaviness in my body. I'd been sitting too much at my desk lately. Changing out of my uniform into a more casual kimono and hakama ensemble, I headed for the hidden gardens.

As I moved through the forms, sweat began to trickle down my face and arms. The cold weather had begun to let up in the past several weeks, slowly giving way to spring. It hadn't snowed in some time, and the plants around us were taking this chance to raise their heads and recover from the frosty months. Above me, the sun blazed with a fierce heat. It wasn't as stifling as the summer months, but it was enough to add an element of discomfort to my training.

"Your stance has improved greatly," a voice said from behind me. I lowered my blade and turned to see Saito emerge from the cobbled path. I smiled when I saw he was wearing his white scarf again. I'd recently offered to wash it for him after a patrol had gotten violent. Due to the nature of my work, I was well acquainted with the art of removing blood stains from clothing. Grim as it might have sounded to some, I couldn't imagine living without the powder Father and I had invented for that purpose. After treating injured patients on a daily basis while we traveled, we would have run out of money had we not been able to take good care of our clothes.

Saito must have noticed the direction of my gaze. A small half smile curved his lips, and my heart fluttered in my chest. He was always so serene and expressionless that when I managed to tug a smile from him, I felt it to be a personal achievement.

"If I've improved, it's only thanks to you, Saito-san." I gave him my own beaming smile in return. "You train with me every day. I can't thank you enough. I'm able to hold my blade without discomfort now." I blinked in confusion when I suddenly saw that he was holding a pair of wooden swords in one hand. "What are those for?"

"Training," he said. "Your skill has grown, and I no longer wish to risk injuring you when we spar."

He didn't outright say it, but did this mean that I was pushing him enough during our fights to make him want to hold back less? My shoulders straightened. I hadn't felt this proud of myself in months.

"A word of warning, however, Yukimura. There may be times when you are hit."

"I'm not afraid of pain," I shook my head. "If anything, I'll just have to work hard to make sure I don't get hit too much."

"I will hold back as much as possible," he said, "but the strength in your arms won't improve without practice. If I hold back too much, you will never grow."

"I understand." He handed me a wooden sword, and I sheathed my katana, laying both of my swords on the ground nearby. I hadn't practiced with a wooden sword since the last time I'd taken lessons in one of the villages my father and I had passed through. Saito had once commented that my sword forms seemed to be a jumbled mix of all kind of styles. When I explained that I'd learned the way of the sword as part of a nomadic lifestyle, he said it made sense. However, he did not feel it necessary to make me relearn anything. Just as he had pioneered the way of left handed swordsmanship, he allowed me to fight in my own way.

"Are you ready?" he asked me once we stood opposite each other.

"Yes! Please attack, Saito-san."

We began sparring, and I quickly realized that he hadn't been exaggerating a thing. Though he still held back plenty, by the time we'd been at it for an hour, I had several bruises and swollen spots on my body. I wasn't too concerned, for I knew the minor injuries would heal quickly. To my surprise, it was Saito that seemed worried for me. He stopped me after one of swings hit me particularly hard. I'd been doing well, blocking his hits and parrying them, but when I tried to dodge and went in for a slash from above, he moved forward like a blur and "sliced" at my torso. The wooden blade cracked against my ribs and I doubled over from the unexpected pain, dropping my practice sword to the ground.

"Ouch!" For a few dizzying seconds, I saw stars in my eyes. I blinked a few times to clear my vision and exercised willpower to push the pain to the back of my awareness.

"Are you alright?" A pair of warm hands held my shoulders.

"Y-Yes. I'm sorry. That was careless."

"No, the fault is mine. I did not exercise enough self control. You surprised me with how quickly you moved."

I tried to laugh but ended up coughing a few times instead. How ironic that he would have said that when he was the one that moved with the speed of a bullet.

A warm hand settled under my chin and tilted my face upwards. I met Saito's gaze. My heart froze. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were narrowed and soft. In the sunlight, they looked like patches of the summer sky. Dark hair fell forward to frame his face, and I suddenly fought down the urge to brush his bangs away.

"Perhaps we should stop for today," he murmured. "Your complexion looks rather pale, and you should take care of that wound."

Finally, my thoughts caught up to the events unfolding. I realized how close his face was to mine; how hot his hand felt on my chin. I could smell his unique scent. Like paper catching flame, I felt my embarrassment manifest as a heat that crept up from my collar bone all the way to the tips of my ears.

"Um…S-Saito-san…" I wanted to pull away, but I didn't want to break this moment. I'd never seen him with such a soft expression. He was already an attractive man, but when his eyes softened like that…

And then, those eyes widened fractionally. A charming pink blush crept onto the very edges of his cheek bones. He withdrew from me as though he'd been burned and immediately turned away. I rose to my feet, much too flustered to meet his gaze or say anything else just yet.

"Well, well," a familiar voice chimed in from behind a large tree. Mortified, I watched Souji step out into view, his arms crossed and his body moving at a lazy gate towards us. Had he seen our exchange just now? I searched his face for the answer. His eyes were lit up with his usual snide mirth, but there was something else there too. "Hajime-kun, we need our doctor in one piece, you know. If you beat her black and blue, how is she going to do her job?"

"I'm fine," I assured him. "Really."

"Hmm…you like saying that, don't you?" He kept moving until he stood over me, his shadow blocking out the sun. "Seems like no matter what happens, you just repeat that phrase over and over."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he raised his hand in front of him and began counting off on his fingers, "after that first patrol you could barely stand on your feet, but you said you were fine and you started patching everyone else up. Even though you know it's dangerous and you can barely hold your sword without shaking, you still come with us on patrols and insist you're fine. Lately, you've hardly been eating or sleeping, but you say you're fine as you keep puttering around the compound taking care of everyone except yourself. And now," his eyes slid to Saito. This time, I could definitely see simmering irritation in his expression. "Now, Hajime-kun beat you up pretty good in your little fight, and you still say you're fine when you look pale as a ghost."

"No, I'm—" I stopped myself short and he smiled that kitsune smile I found so aggravating. So, he had noticed that I hadn't been very hungry lately.

"I didn't mean to worry anyone," I said.

"Too late," Souji smirked. "I already told Hijikata that you were much too tired to go to Fushimi with Hajime-kun and that you needed to stay home and rest."

I rounded on him, furious. "You did what? "

"You heard me."

"Okita-san, you had no right to speak for me to Hijikata. I must go to Fushimi to search for my father. What if he's there and I'm not…?"

"Hajime-kun," Souji called to the warrior who hadn't said a thing this whole time. Saito had been staring at his hand as though he was inspecting something on his palm. When his name was mentioned, he looked up and turned towards us. "Why don't you back me up? Or do you not agree that Chizuru-chan is overworked and needs to rest?"

Saito looked me up and down.

"You do look unwell, Yukimura."

"The trip isn't until tomorrow," I said, using my most convincing tone of voice. "Please, Okita-san, if I promise to rest for the remainder of the day, will you take back what you said to Hijikata-san?"

"So you admit you need rest, then," he teased.

"I don't feel tired, but…" I hesitated. "Please, Okita-san. I can't miss this chance." He pretended to think on it hard for a few moments before he smiled his special smile.

"Alright, then. I guess you've convinced me. Run along now, before I change my mind."

"Thank you!" I beamed. I should have been angry with him, perhaps, for almost sabotaging the trip for me. But, I couldn't really hold a grudge against him when it seemed he was just looking out for me in his own way. "Saito-san, thank you for today. I hope we can do this again soon." I bowed, turned, and made my way to the cobbled path. As I passed behind the trees, my sandal went taught and snapped. I cursed, leaning down to see if I could fix it. Suddenly, I heard something I'd never heard before. Souji was speaking, and his voice was…aggressive.

"What were you thinking?" he snapped, I assumed at Saito.

"You are right to be angry with me," Saito replied. "I made a mistake. At times, I forget that she is…"

"What, a woman?"

"Perhaps."

"She plays the game well, doesn't she?" Souji sighed. He seemed to have calmed down. "How long do you think she's been dressing like a man?" Saito didn't answer that. "In any case, if she's seriously hurt because you played too rough, Hijikata will boil both of us alive. He and Kondou-san need her to find Kodo. If something happens to her, we'll lose our advantage." I heard shuffling. "Hajime, if something happens to her and that gets in Kondou-san's way…" His tone was sharp, dangerous. Saito answered in an equally hard tone, but I couldn't hear what he said. I hurried back to my study.


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[MS]

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Once I shut the door behind me, I stood still, wadding my kimono between stiff fingers and I fought a wave of emotions. I thought he was concerned for me. I thought he was looking out for me. But, really, Souji hadn't been truly worried for me at all. Did all the Shinsengumi feel the same as he? That I was simply a method of gaining an advantage in the search for my father? I tried to rationalize the situation by telling myself that I wasn't just a pawn. I had work here, received money, food, shelter, and protection. It was simply a business deal, nothing more. In return for a way to make living here, I was providing them with an extra pair of eyes and a potential connection to my father.

What would happen when that connection was no longer needed? Would they dismiss me? Abandon me?

Humans…can't be trusted after all, can they? — I thought, my musings turning melancholy despite my best efforts. I suppose, for now, we will just have to keep using one another until we get what we want.

No matter how I felt about my situation, I had made a promise to Souji to rest for the remainder of the day. So, I took a quick bath and changed into more comfortable clothes upon my return. Resting didn't mean sleep. I was comforted in the notion that I had gotten the better of him somehow, no matter how petty the victory. I continued my experiments with the elixir and made several batches of medicines for the soldiers. But, no matter how much time passed, I couldn't shake the hurt in my heart. Why had I believed that this was my home now? Why had I considered that I possibly had a future here? I knew better than most how unpredictable life was. I knew all too well that it could change in a heartbeat and turn completely upside down. Wasn't that how I ended up with the Shinsengumi in the first place?

So what if we were simply using each other? If fair was fair, I wasn't being entirely honest with them about a great many things either. We all had secrets to keep, and just like them knowing mine was dangerous, I could understand if they felt the same way about me. Whatever they thought of me, I was treated well. That was more than most people could say for themselves. On patrols, I'd seen plenty of people in the slums and dilapidated parts of the city. They had no home, no one to care for them. I was blessed; I always had to remember that.

That night, I tucked away my softness for the Shinsengumi into a hidden place in my heart. I was determined to keep moving forward despite all the things I'd heard, reminding myself that I had a goal that was larger in scope than forming friendships with people I barely knew.