They had just sat down to dinner. Mimsy had prepared a gorgeous Sunday roast with roasted vegetables and smooth mashed potatoes. Marlene stared at the array of food, licking her lips, and then smirked across the table at James. What the Potters didn't know is that the children had snuck out back before dinner and taken a few hits from a joint that James had rolled. Marlene was even more excited to try all the food with the appetite aid.
"What are you kids getting up to tonight?" Caroline inquired, helping herself to the salad.
"The boys might come by," James shrugged. "Perhaps a late night Quidditch game." Marlene sure hoped so. This summer had been unusually hot and it seemed only at night, when the fireflies were out, that she could comfortably play the game. Besides, everything was more fun when done at night.
"Sounds dangerous," his father observed from the head of the table. "Can you see anything out there in the dark?"
"That's what makes it so fun," Marlene giggled.
"I'm not going to come out back to find one of you bleeding, will I?" Caroline gave both kids a pointed look.
"No, I'll be sure to go easy on them, Care."
"She'll try," James scoffed – ever the poor loser. He liked to pretend Marlene didn't pose competition when it came to Quidditch. If he was a good flyer, she was his match.
"Is that a challenge?"
"Just an observation," James shrugged. Marlene could've flung one of the brussels sprouts off her plate and at his smug face.
"We'll see about that."
"Marlene, that reminds me, your mother wrote. She says you're to be home this weekend to see your grandmother." Caroline put a swift end to the competitive sports talk and reminded Marlene of the home she always seemed to forget over the summers. The Potters' house was simply more fun – and much less cramped. Besides, no one managed to have quite as much fun as her and James.
"Not to mention – I think she's starting to wonder why I see more of her daughter than she does."
"Well, that's nothing new," Marlene shrugged. If her mother wanted to see her she knew where Marlene could be found. Before Caroline could make any reply – particularly a reminder to Marlene that her mother loved her very much – there was a knock. Loud and impatient, it came echoing into the dining room.
"James Potter," his mother chided, "I've told you countless times – do not invite friends over at dinner time—"
"I didn't!" James protested. "They're not supposed to come over until later."
"Don't look at me," Alec said as his wife turned.
Mimsy, who'd hurried off to fetch their guest, returned to the dining room with a long face. "Mistress, master, it is Mr Black…"
"Sirius?" James asked in shock.
"Yes, he's waiting in the sitting room…"
"Well tell him to come join us?" It was unlike Sirius to pass up a good meal.
"He…perhaps you should see to him," Mimsy stated nervously, hands clasped behind her back. Marlene and James shared a curious look – each as confused as the other. Sirius had returned back to his family home only a day ago after a lengthy stay at the Potters'. Yes, he'd been expected that evening for a little Quidditch fun, but this seemed odd.
Caroline stood up first but the other three followed, curiosity getting the better of them, and found Sirius slumped over on the couch, head in his hands, a backpack by his feet.
"Padfoot?" James asked, stepping forward first. "Mate?" He placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder, his friend looking up with wide, terror-filled eyes.
"S-sorry," Sirius stammered. He looked wildly around the room, as though shocked by his surroundings. "Didn't mean to interrupt…"
"Nothing has been interrupted, darling," Caroline assured him, "just tell us what's the matter?"
Marlene hadn't noticed he was shaking until she took a step closer. He had James on one side and Caroline on the other, both trying to coax a confession out of him. Marlene moved silently to the drinks cart they kept in the back corner and filled an empty glass with water. Sirius stared up in astonishment as she passed it in his direction.
"Thank you," he whispered, not taking his gaze off of her. Marlene nodded, stepping back again and let the others get the truth out of him.
"I didn't know where else to go," he confessed. "They threw me out…"
"Threw you out?"
"My mother said she'd kill me herself if I tried to come home…I barely got out of there alive…" Marlene felt silly for her snide comments, made only a few minutes earlier, about her own mother. Despite her shortcomings, Maureen McKinnon had never been a bad parent. She'd never beat her children or threatened to disown them if they disagreed with her. Marlene wished in that moment her mother were there so she might apologize for her lack of gratitude.
"I don't want to impose," Sirius insisted once he'd gone through the tale of his night. "I can be out of your hair within a few days…"
"Nonsense," Caroline shook her head. "You'll stay with us."
"But—"
"We won't throw you out, Sirius," Alec promised. He'd been so quiet throughout the conversation Marlene had nearly forgotten he was there. All eyes turned to him, leaning against the mantelpiece. "Our home is yours."
"Thank you." Sirius bowed his head, eyes filled with gratitude. "Thank you." He repeated the words, hands still shaking, and finally, Caroline called in Mimsy to draw him up a bath and make a cup of tea. While Sirius cleaned up, the rest of them finished their dinner – not filled with the same banter as before – and tried to pretend they weren't all considering murdering the Black family for their disgusting behaviour.
Caroline insisted James and Marlene help Mimsy clear the plates after dinner – and wash them too – but Marlene had snuck off halfway through to find the bathroom. She'd just pushed the door open when she realized Sirius was still inside. He was running cold water over his face, his chest bare, when she saw the marks. The boot sized bruise on his side, the red lashes, freshly made, across his back.
Marlene inhaled sharply, Sirius turning to notice her. There was a dull, empty look in his eyes as they met Marlene's. "Sorry," he apologized flatly, "almost done."
"Okay." She couldn't help but imagine each punishment being doled out. She pictured the pain and betrayal upon Sirius' face as his own father beat him. She imagined the strength it had taken to leave after sixteen years. Sirius pushed past her without another word, Marlene left swallowing back all the questions and apologizes that worked their way up her throat.
She and Sirius had never gotten along very well – they bickered endlessly and James had been forced to listen to his fair share of complaints about each other from both of them – but she could feel nothing but empathy for him today. She could think only of him the rest of the night while she and James tried desperately to distract him and then, themselves when Sirius gave up and went to bed.
Marlene and James both followed him an hour later, James slipping up to his attic bedroom. Marlene – whose guest room was right next to Sirius' – heard the muffled sobs as she passed his door. She meant to keep on walking, to leave him be as she knew he'd want, but she couldn't help herself. It was both sympathy and morbid curiosity that drew her to turn the door handle and step inside.
It was dark inside the room and Sirius lay in the middle of the queen-sized bed, buried beneath layers of covers when Marlene found him. He sat up abruptly, rubbing his eyes.
"I was just—"
"I'll do this one thing," Marlene told him, "and then we'll never talk about it again." In the morning it would be business as usual, they would scowl at each other across the breakfast table and fight over James. This wouldn't change the fact that she found him incredibly annoying and terribly arrogant. Sirius nodded after a short pause. Marlene kicked off her slippers and climbed into the bed, urging Sirius into her arms.
"You don't always have to be brave, you know," she said, taking the position of the big spoon. She knew James wouldn't approve if he wandered in on the pair. He wouldn't understand it, the need to care for him that Marlene felt; he would mistake it for something else.
"I'm not brave," Sirius scoffed. "You wouldn't be either if you'd grown up in that house." He squirmed uncomfortably in her embrace. She wondered if he felt what she did, lying there, a stirring deep within her, something that terrified her. She'd needed to do this, to comfort him, to provide something. The thought of going to bed without knowing he was okay had made her stomach clench.
"You're braver than the whole lot of them," she reminded him. He lips were no more than a few inches from his ear. "One day they'll regret it."
"They won't," he promised.
"Then they're idiots." Marlene could feel him relaxing. "You're a good guy and a great wizard."
"Careful there, McKinnon," he teased, "I'm starting to think you like me."
"At least you've got your humour back." She stayed a few more minutes, only the sound of their breaths to fill the void, before rolling over. "I should go—"
"Don't," Sirius had turned over, his eyes desperate and pleading. She'd never seen him like that, vulnerable, in need. She couldn't deny him, even if it meant the possibility of James stumbling upon them. "Sorry, I…" his grey eyes fell embarrassedly.
"I'll stay," Marlene agreed, "as long as you need." And she did.
Winter was certainly here. The air had chilled and the shivers accompanied each journey outside. The clouds seemed a permanent fixture in the sky and sometimes when one was especially lucky, they spilt with snow. On this particular early December morning, Marlene McKinnon and James Potter had ventured out together – one disguised more than the other.
They'd gone for a stroll through one of the parks Godric's Hollow held. Bundled up in their winter clothing, and unlikely to run into any suspicious eyes on an early Monday afternoon, they simply enjoyed each other's company. They had sat on a bench looking over a small pond. The frost had frozen it over and left it to glisten and melt in the sunlight.
"How have you been?" James asked, the air clouding as it left his mouth.
"Still not allowed anywhere near the office," Marlene sighed. "I suppose I deserve that though."
"Well, I thought the article was well written."
"Everyone keeps saying that." James couldn't miss the bitterness in her voice. "Maybe it was foolish."
"What makes you say that?" One look at her made him certain something was amiss. He'd sensed it since she'd arrived on his doorstep that morning. He'd felt it as she dodged questions about her life with small talk and quips. James hadn't known her for twenty years to miss it when Marlene McKinnon was upset.
"Well…" she looked towards him apprehensively. "I haven't told anyone…I knew Sirius would freak out—"
"Spit it out before I have a bloody heart attack," James demanded. She was pregnant. Oh, Merlin, she was pregnant. She was going to spill the beans and then James would have to go weeks lying to Sirius. He prepared himself for the worst.
"I got this a few weeks ago," Marlene said, passing James a crumpled up note from her pocket. He drew it open, eyebrows drawing together. "It's just a threat," she said – James wondering whether she was reassuring herself or him. He crumpled the note up once more and passed it to her.
"You need to tell someone."
"I don't."
"Marlene—"
"That's what they want," she insisted. "They want me to be afraid, I won't take the bait."
"It's a fine line between bravery and stupidity," James reminded her. "You're walking it."
"What would you have me do?" she snapped. They bickered like siblings – just as they always had. "Run to the Aurors for help? What, will I only leave the house with bodyguards now?" She crossed her arms, leaning back with a scowl. "Maybe I just won't leave the house at all, how's that working for you?"
"It's keeping my son alive," James rebutted. "Do you think I chose to go into hiding? We wouldn't have if there'd been a choice…" there hadn't been though, had there? James and Lily had followed Dumbledore's instructions closely. Harry never travelled outside of their small neighbourhood and James and Lily rarely got to leave Godric's Hollow themselves. They were prisoners in their own home, as they had been for the past four months.
"I didn't mean it," Marlene apologized, her gloved hand reaching for James'. "I'm just so sick of this…of being scared. It feels like we've been running for years and I'm tired of running, James. I'm tired." He knew she was, so was he, so was Lily. They were all worn out and beaten down. They'd been fighting for years and they were no closer to victory than they had been fresh out of Hogwarts. It felt as though they'd lost so much, and for what? What glory had they gained? What peace?
"If it's a choice between running and keeping you safe, I choose you," James confessed. "Always." She leaned into him, James' arm coming to wrap around her shoulder. He could feel the cold creeping in, seeping beneath his jacket, but he didn't dare move.
"Are you happy?" Marlene asked.
"As happy as a man in hiding can be." It wasn't how he'd expected to feel when he finally "got it all." He had expected to be happy. He'd pictured a future with Lily so many times – a house and family – and here it was. Just not how he'd wanted it. Not with the joy and the family he'd expected to surround them. Not with the peace he'd desired before he brought children into the world.
"What about you?" James asked, looking down at the top of Marlene's head.
"As happy as a woman receiving threats can be," she joked. "I wish we could go back…"
"I know."
"I'd tell myself not to waste so much bloody time." Marlene shook her head. "I'd do anything to see them again. Even if just for a minute…"
"They'd know what to do," James agreed. "They always did." What would his parents say if they saw them now, burnt out and losing? What would they think of James' life? Had he disappointed them? The questions burnt a pit in his stomach that could never be filled. It was the hole they'd left behind.
"I've got you, though," Marlene sat up and smiled at James, "and you've got me." She took his hand and kissed it. "So then, go at it, give me your best Caroline Potter advice." James laughed.
"Keep up the good fight," he started, "and tell that boyfriend of yours the truth. I've heard there's been a development in that department, by the way…"
"Oh," Marlene's cheeks turned bright pink, "that."
"Should we prepare ourselves for an engagement announcement?" He knew how much it riled her up when he did that. "Or maybe a mini Sirius on the way?"
"Git," she rolled her eyes. "I think we'll start with living together, that's shock enough for us."
"You're really doing it, then?" James asked. "You two are going to give it a real go?" Sirius and Marlene had been together since they'd finished Hogwarts, yes, but they'd never felt quite serious to James. He was always on edge, ready for them to blow up and be torn apart. It had been a year since the events of last Christmas though, and they seemed stronger than ever now. Most importantly, they seemed happy.
"I love him," Marlene said casually. The simplicity of the words shocked James. She loved him. He supposed she always had. It made something stir within him. Anger? No, the time for that had passed. Jealousy, perhaps, that his friends had found something he was not a part of, that Sirius had access to a part of Marlene that James would never know. For a lifetime she had been his…
"You guys will still come over Christmas day?" James asked, desperate to change the subject.
"Of course."
"We don't want Harry's first Christmas to be just the three of us," he sighed. These were the moments where he missed his parents the most. The holidays, the time of year meant for family, where he and Lily felt more alone than ever. They had begged their friends to gather around their place for Christmas morning to give their son the best they could offer.
"I've already bought him more than enough presents from Santa," Marlene promised. "We'll be by before the sun is up if that'll make you happy."
"It would," James smirked. How much had changed in a few short years…he could still remember Christmas stockings hanging over the mantle at the Potter Manor. He could smell cinnamon and roasted turkey all muddled together as Mimsy whipped up their Christmas meal. Marlene, blue eyes sparkling with joy, sat beside the Christmas tree so she could hand out presents. Sirius stealing glasses of eggnog. His parents beaming from the couch as they showered their "children" in presents.
Things would be much different this year. Things would never be the same again.
Emmeline's wild night with Marlene had brought out the worst in her. Tonight would be the last night she spent in her apartment – or two tiny rooms she rented from her grumpy landlady – and she had decided she would leave with a bang. Better yet, a party.
Mary had tried desperately to convince her friend it was a bad plan – her landlady would be furious and the whole thing would be shut down immediately – but Emmeline persisted. She would have her party whether Mary liked it or not, and after seeing how excited Emmeline was throwing the whole thing together – the happiest she'd been in months – Mary could protest no longer.
Emmeline had dragged Alice over that Saturday afternoon, partly to give her a healthy break from motherhood, but mostly due to her talent with charms. Almost everything in the place was in boxes, piled against the wall to be transported the next day to Mary's. Her friend had promised to drive into the city and pick it all up in her car. Emmeline had driven with Mary only a handful of times but she rarely got the opportunity to be in a car and was excited about the road trip. It seemed her friends had been right; a fresh start was what she'd needed all along.
"I don't see what the point in this all is," Alice sighed, drawing her wand back and forth by the door to cast the silencing spell she knew so well. "You'll barely fit ten people in this place."
"We'll see," Emmeline shrugged, watching her friend do all the hard work from the bed. "We'll push all the furniture against the walls and with all my stuff packed up there's more room to get around—"
"Em, your place is a tiny kitchen with a conjoined bedroom and living room space. You barely fit in here half the time."
"Well, I haven't invited that many people!"
"Just half the bloody country," Alice countered, finishing up with her charm. By the time she was done there could have been an entire rock concert in Emmeline's room and Mrs Graham had little chance of hearing.
"Finished?" Emmeline asked, Alice, nodding her head to confirm. "Good, grab your coat."
"My coat? Where are we—"
"Shopping," Emmeline answered before the question was out of Alice's mouth.
"Em…"
"When's the last time you did something nice for yourself?"
"When I found fifteen quiet minutes for a bath last night," Alice answered with a shrug. "Besides, I'm still not back in the shape I was before Neville…nothing ever fits me quite right…" Emmeline took in the oversized sweater her friend wore which hung from her body loosely, not giving anything underneath away.
"And I've lost ten pounds since this summer, but we are getting nice dresses for tonight regardless. Tonight is about starting over."
"I don't need to start over?"
"Well, I do!" Emmeline huffed. "And therefore, you, as my supportive friend, are required to get on board."
"You're irritating when you're happy," Alice complained, putting on her coat without another word so that the two ladies could take the floo network to Diagon Alley. Emmeline's more positive outlook had not been easy, not at all, but for the past two weeks, she'd tried hard to crawl her way from the dark hole she'd been stuck in. This party was the first step.
The women ended up in a cosy second-hand shop they'd frequented as teenagers. Alice moved right towards the selection of black clothing, still trying to hide her figure, while Emmeline went for her usual – sparkles, bright colours and short skirts. Emmeline couldn't remember the last time she'd found herself in a clothing store. Once, it had been a form of release, a happy place, but happy places were far and few between now.
Emmeline settled upon a pink dress with a deep neckline and Alice chose a simple white blouse insisting she had a skirt that would pair nicely with it. They filed along with all the other shoppers – packing in to get their Christmas shopping done – and stopped only when Emmeline spotted the liquor store. She purchased bags of booze so heavy they nearly toppled the two women to the ground.
When they finally returned to Emmeline's flat their arms were like jello and their cheeks were flushed from the cold. Alice sat down in the chair by the window, tearing her scarf from around her neck.
"It's five in the afternoon and I'm bloody exhausted," Alice complained, hand pressed against her forehead. "My bedtime for the past four months has been nine. I'm not young enough for this anymore Em—"
"You're fucking twenty," Emmeline rolled her eyes. It could feel frustrating sometimes, trying to get on with life when all her friends had seemed to skip forward ten years. Married, mothers, Lily and Alice had little time for anything but nappies and tummy time nowadays.
"It feels like I've aged twenty years sometimes."
"It's you guys that keep going on about getting back to normal," Emmeline snapped. "Yet you've all left me behind."
"Emmy…"
It felt that way at least. Emmeline turned her back and pretended to busy herself removing the copious bottles of booze from the paper bags they'd been carried in with. Lily and Alice had families. Marlene had Sirius. Mary had Reg. Even Peter had a committed relationship. Their lives were moving and Emmeline – she felt like she'd be at a standstill for the rest of her days.
"It has been a weird year," Alice said, her footsteps squeaking across the floorboard as she approached. "We've all been so caught up in our own little worlds…"
"You've been caught up," Emmeline reminded her sharply. "I've been there." Maybe this party had just been one big mistake, a desperate attempt to live out the good old days. Nothing was as it had been even a year before and it made Emmeline's stomach turn.
"Come here," Alice said, reaching for Emmeline's shoulder. She made her friend face her, Emmeline's head bowed sulkily. "Listen, I told Frank I'd come back home before the party to change and help with bedtime, but how about we scratch that? He can come on his own once Augusta arrives and we'll get ready just the two of us." Alice reached out for Emmeline's hands. "Just like the old days. In fact, you should invite the rest of the girls—"
"Now you're just teasing me."
"I'm serious! We'll get ready all together like we used to at Hogwarts. You can even dress me if you like, stick me into one of your outfits that I won't look too lumpy in." That idea did get Emmeline excited…
"And we'll get drunk? Actual crazy, stupid, young people drunk?"
Alice laughed. "Yes, we'll get drunk. In fact, if you'd pop a bottle of sherry open now—"
Emmeline leaned forward and planted a big, wet, kiss on Alice's cheek before scurrying to find some spare glasses. The party was a band-aid covering a crack in the wall, but for tonight it would have to do.
Lily was putting Harry to bed, humming a lullaby to him as he lay peacefully in his crib. It had taken James and Marlene half the day to convince her she needed a night out away from the baby. Lily hadn't realized how attached she was to Harry until it came time for the pair to be separated. It was common for new mothers to feel attached to their baby but Lily's feelings were more complicated than that. There were those who wished to hurt her son…when they were apart she only worried that she wasn't there to protect him.
Marlene had insisted that her mother would stay the night – Maureen was one of the most talented witches to have ever graced the Auror office – and she would provide Harry with the protection he needed. James had agreed to the idea much quicker than Lily.
"Is he out?" James whispered from the doorway. He was already dressed for the night – a baggy green sweater over a pair of black skinny jeans.
"Like a light," Lily nodded, turning back to admire her sleeping son. She liked to watch him sleep – when his mind was at ease and she could be certain he was safe. It made her breathe easier.
"You should get ready," James told her, coming in to wrap an arm around his wife's shoulder. "Maureen will be here soon."
"I just want to sit with him for a little longer." Lily knew it was silly. Most new parents dreamed of a night out without the kids but Lily's fear ran deeper than she'd realized. What if their house was being watched right now? What if a pack of Death Eaters showed up and took her son while it was just Maureen inside? The thoughts pimpled Lily's skin with goosebumps.
"Nothing is going to happen tonight," James promised. "We'll go to Emmeline's, have a few drinks with friends, and be home by midnight."
"I don't know…" Lily sighed. "I feel silly going."
"Why?"
"I haven't done anything but hang out with a baby for the past four months," Lily shrugged. "I can't remember the last time I got drunk, not since I've been pregnant with Harry…"
"Come here," James said, a hand sticking out for Lily. She looked towards Harry once more, hesitating, before she allowed her husband to lift her out of the chair and draw her out of their son's bedroom. He led them into their room and sat on the end of the bed, facing Lily.
"What?" she asked, growing terribly self-aware the longer he looked at her like that. "Stop it…"
"Sorry," James smirked, "just trying to find something I don't like…feels rather difficult…"
"Merlin." She rolled her eyes. "You are so irritating sometimes—" Lily turned to walk away but James reached out and drew her in by the arm. She stood between his legs, his hands on her hips, his hazel eyes gazing up with longing.
"One year ago I didn't think it was possible for me to love you more than I did," James confessed. "Then you gave me our son and you became a wonderful mother and my heart grew." Lily looked away as her cheeks began to warm with blush. "You've never looked more beautiful, Lil, and besides, everyone at Emmeline's is a friend."
"I know…"
"Not to mention, Alice is going too you know. If anyone understands how you feel it's her."
"I'm just…" Lily hesitated, frightened what she said next might shock her husband. "I'm scared of missing it."
"Missing what?"
"Our old life." She waited a few seconds before returning her gaze to his face. Luckily, it wasn't filled with the betrayal Lily had expected.
"That's fair," James nodded. "But I'd say our life right now is pretty great."
"Living in hiding with a four-month-old that wakes us up at the crack of dawn?"
James laughed, tightening his grip on Lily. "Having a family with you is pretty great," he told her. "Living in this home together, having Harry…our current situation is not ideal but it's temporary. One day this will all be a bad dream and we," he reached for her chin, drawing Lily's face to his, "will still be happy."
"I think you're just looking for a good excuse to get laid," Lily told him. She drew from their embrace and gravitated towards her closet, flicking through clothes she hadn't touched in almost a year. "You know alcohol makes me do crazy things."
"A man can dream, can't he?"
With a final kiss, James left to wait downstairs while Lily dolled herself up. More accurately, Lily went through half her closet searching for any article of clothing she didn't feel uncomfortable in. It was finally a trusted black mini skirt and beige cashmere turtleneck she settled upon.
Lily realized, as she sat before her vanity, it was the first time in months she'd worried to put on makeup. Between caring for a toddler and being on relative lockdown in Godric's Hollow, makeup seemed a trivial thing to worry about. It was nice, she thought as she drew the makeup brush along her face, it was something – a small thing – she had long since forgotten she enjoyed.
Maureen had arrived by the time Lily was finished. James had fetched her a cup of tea, the pair of them sitting side by side on the couch chatting. Lily paused on her way down the stairs, a smile tugging at her cheeks as she looked at the scene. Caroline would be proud.
"Well look at you," Maureen grinned as Lily stepped before them. "The two of you clean up nicely."
"Thank you for doing this, it means so much—"
"I won't hear another word. Now, you two stay out as long as you like and I'll make sure your little boy stays safe."
"It won't be late," James assured her, "midnight at most—"
"I've had three children," Maureen reminded them, "none of them easy." James and Lily shared a smirk. "I know how important a night out is."
They left, Lily getting in her last few instructions before James practically dragged her out the door. She thought of Harry, cuddled warmly beneath his sheets, waking up to find them gone. He knew Maureen but she wasn't his mother, she didn't know how to hum his favourite song or give the belly scratches that helped him fall back asleep.
"Lil," James stopped her as they rounded onto the side street they so frequently apparated from. Lily nearly smacked into him the movement was so swift. He drew her in for a big kiss, Lily drawing away breathless. "One night without worrying," he pleaded, "and then we can go home and bring Harry to our bed for the night. He always likes that."
"He does," Lily agreed. "I just feel so guilty…leaving him all alone without either of us! You know how he gets—"
"Yes," James nodded, "and I've told Maureen everything and more. I left a bloody list on the fridge."
Lily's mouth dropped open. "You did not."
"I did. I wrote it while you were getting ready. Twenty-five points for a sleeping baby." Lily knew the redness growing on James' cheeks was from more than the cold.
"You wrote a list," Lily repeated with a grin, "You're just as nervous as I am!"
"He's never spent a night without us," James shrugged, too embarrassed to look Lily in the eye. "Besides, I thought it'd be better to have just one panicked parent for the night."
"Come here." Lily drew James in by the fabric of his sweater, nearly toppling over as he pressed his weight into her, their lips meeting passionately. "Hey babe," she said to him, James' eyes still on her lips. "Let's go get drunk."
Whip It was playing from the record player in the corner. There were already at least twenty people squeezed into Emmeline's place – which usually occupied no more than five at once. There were plastic cups and bottles of alcohol strewn throughout the place, people's jackets filling up the tiny closet and thrown over the back of chairs.
Sirius snatched two bottles of beer off the drinks table and turned to pass one to Marlene. She was shrugging off his leather jacket – they'd taken the motorbike over and she'd been cold halfway through. She was stuck behind a couple chatting, too caught up in their conversation to noticing her trying to get by, but Sirius did. He noticed the way that the few strands of hair that hadn't made it into her ponytail curled behind her ears. He noticed the way that her dress hugged her hips…
"Merlin," Marlene scoffed once she reached him, "I haven't even had a drink yet, don't look at me like that." She took the beer from his hand and twisted the top off. Someone from Hogwarts that Sirius just barely recognized stopped to greet Marlene, her lips turning up into a friendly smile as they began to chat. Sirius left her to it, too sober for small talk, and gravitated towards the back of the room where he saw a few familiar faces.
"Enjoying yourself, Wormtail?" Peter, Mary and Reg leaned against the back wall, all watching the party guests with apprehension.
"More than Mary is, I think," Peter whispered in Sirius' ear before Mary could notice.
"I don't think she knows half the people here…" he heard her grumble to Reg. "How did they even find out—"
"You're worrying again," Reg told her with a knowing smile. She rolled her eyes and took a gulp from her glass, her engagement ring glittering on her left hand for all to see. Sirius would've never pictured them together – Mary seemed outspoken and Reg…well…he barely spoke, - but they worked. Somehow they fit, his personality just calm enough to tame hers.
"If you want some advice, more alcohol less worrying," Sirius quipped, Mary, glaring at him from over the top of her glass.
"Very funny. Where's your better half?"
"Chatting to some Hufflepuff she was a Charms partner with at some point."
"Say that with a little more enthusiasm," Reg suggested – the closest Sirius had ever heard him get to a joke.
"Sorry, Reginald," Sirius smiled, "I always forget there's a Hufflepuff supporter among us."
"Two supporters," Mary corrected him, arm coming to wrap around Reg. "I'm quite a fan if you can't tell."
"Hardly noticed that gigantic rock on your hand." Mary looked down at the ring with a big grin. Sirius turned to say something to Peter but it appeared he had disappeared into the growing mass of people all crammed into Emmeline's flat.
"Where is the hostess anyway?" he asked, not a strawberry blonde in sight.
"Went out front for a cigarette with some others – there are Remus and Dorcas," Mary announced, eyes scanning the crowd. Sirius turned to catch the pair stepping in the door. They took off their coats and grabbed drinks before making their way to the group at the back.
"Emmeline managed quite the turnout, didn't she?" Remus observed.
"Well, no one has ever questioned her social skills."
Dorcas took her drink and threw it back without hesitation, the group watching her in awe as she gulped down the alcohol like water. She looked to Sirius when she was done, wiping her lips.
"Well, are we going to satisfy Emmeline's wishes and get pissed tonight?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good, I saw some harder alcohol in the kitchen – shots?"
"Are you sure you want to start so early—" Remus began to protest.
"It's a party, isn't it? I am trying to have a mind-numbing good time." She gave her boyfriend a peck on the cheek and wandered off towards the kitchen leaving no time for arguments.
"Make sure she doesn't do anything you'd approve of," Remus asked Sirius. His eyes were drawn with worry as they glanced towards the kitchen Dorcas had disappeared into. Sirius didn't bother asking why before following her lead. If the past year had taught him anything, it was not to ask questions.
It seemed Dorcas had already found a friend to join her, Marlene leaned back against the counter as she waited for her drink to be poured.
"Ah, I see the bad influence here."
"Wasn't my idea," Sirius insisted, coming to stand beside her.
"Since when did you all get so bloody boring?" Dorcas pushed two shot glasses in their direction. "We're at a party, we are young, and the world could end at any minute."
"You're in a mood tonight," Marlene said, picking up her glass. They threw the shots back on the count of three and Sirius couldn't help but scowl as he let the Firewhiskey burn its way down his throat. It had been a while since he'd done this…
"I've heard through the grapevine that the two of you are living together now." Dorcas eyed them both curiously. "Should I be expecting a wedding announcement sometime soon…"
"Not unless you want my mother to murder me," Marlene scoffed. "She was upset enough about me giving up my dream apartment to live in Sirius' Diagon Alley flat."
"That place is great, though!"
"I don't think it's the location that bothers her," Sirius explained. Maureen had given her daughter an earful when Marlene had announced that she'd be moving in with Sirius. He was grateful that he hadn't been there to hear her attempts to dissuade her daughter. He knew deep down Marlene's family would never be happy with her settling for a Black – and a disinherited one at that.
"That's not true," Marlene assured him. "My mother's grown a soft spot for you."
"I'll try and tell myself that next time she asks what I'm planning to do with my life once this war is over."
"Well," Marlene ran her hand across his chest, "you'll just have to explain next time that you're very comfortable staying home and raising the kids while I earn the living. She'll love that." Sirius looked down at her with amusement in his eyes.
"Well," Dorcas interjected, reminding them both that she was still there, "I, for one, am very happy to see you two finally admitting you're more than just friends with benefits." She was opening herself a beer as she spoke. "It was getting a little old."
"Thanks," Marlene chuckled. "I think?"
Dorcas gave her a pat on the shoulder and then waltzed out of the room as quickly as she'd entered it. Sirius and Marlene watched her go, curious expressions upon both of their faces.
"She seems…"
"Off," Sirius agreed.
"Should we do something?" Marlene was still watching the doorway anxiously but Sirius' concentration had wandered. With the boost of alcohol in his system, he wanted her more than he had when they'd stepped into the party twenty minutes ago. His hands found their way around her hips as he pushed her back into the counter, Marlene laughing.
"What are you doing?"
"Admiring my girlfriend."
"Shh! Someone might hear," Marlene, teased him. Sirius leaned in and kissed her deeply, her hands pressed against his chest. She was smiling as they came apart, her cheeks rosy with blush. Sirius remembered all the parties they'd snuck around at during Hogwarts. When they had needed to hide from the crowds to be affectionate. Now he didn't care who saw them.
"Are you happy?" Marlene asked. She had her hands curled around the back of his neck.
"Very happy," he told her, leaning in for another kiss.
There was Dorcas, drunk and boisterous. She'd forced some innocent friend of Emmeline's to begin dancing around the already cramped apartment with her, his eyes wide with horror. Remus watched from the back of the room, a glass of alcohol in tight grasp, as his girlfriend made an utter fool of herself. He was putting off stepping in – it would only cause a fight – but it was difficult when she made such a spectacle.
"You look miserable," Alice observed, coming up beside him. Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her so dolled up. Her lips were painted red and her eyes defined by a thick line of eyeliner. She was tugging at the bottom of a black dress as she leaned against the wall.
"Well," Remus took a gulp, "I've got a few things on my mind." It was hard to misunderstand him. Alice followed his gaze across the room, looking at Dorcas with what could only be described as pity.
"She's letting loose—"
"She's hiding something," Remus corrected his friend, "and it's eating her alive."
"Seeing you sulking over here won't make it any better." No, Remus agreed, it wouldn't, but he couldn't bear to join the party either. He was exhausted, overworked, and a week away from a transformation. Emmeline's attempt to pretend they were all seventeen again was the last thing he'd wanted to do but Dorcas had forced him.
"Come on," Alice tried to persuade him, "come join the fun! You'll thank me for it—"
"How on earth are you enjoying yourself so much?" Remus snapped. He hadn't realized how harsh his words were until he saw the look on Alice's face.
"Right," she nodded, "is that how you're going to be now?"
"No," Remus sighed, wishing he could take it back. "It's just…it's pathetic, trying to pretend the world hasn't changed."
"Pathetic?" Alice scoffed. "Remus, the only one behaving pathetically here tonight is you. You've been acting like an arse since you walked through that door. Do none of us deserve a break?" Their alcohol consumption did little to ease the tension. Alice's brown eyes were burning with rage and Remus didn't feel very sorry anymore with names being thrown his way.
"A break?" Remus looked around the room in disbelief. "This isn't a break, Alice, it's a fantasy. We're all here, pretending that we don't have a war to fight—"
"No one's bloody pretending—"
"You sure are!" he exclaimed, motioning towards her. Alice stepped back, as though smacked across the face. Her hands slid down along the surface of her dress, crossing protectively against her chest. "I just mean…" Remus rubbed his forehead as he dug himself deeper into his hole. "Christ, I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to act like nothing's changed when everyone is dead?" Alice dropped her gaze. "Maybe if Leila could walk through the door right now, or the Prewett twins, maybe then it wouldn't all seem so…sad." Remus didn't know where his anger had come from. Perhaps it had been bubbling beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment – and perfect amount of alcohol – to blow.
"Right," Alice nodded, her voice cracking as though she were choking back tears. "I see…"
"Alice…shit, Al…" It was too late of course; she was leaving, pushing through people to get to the door as quickly as possible. Remus peeled himself off the wall to chase after her but she was quicker than him and his head was cloudy with all the alcohol. He didn't make it halfway through the room before Lily stopped him, grinning.
"There you are! We've been looking for you all night." She had two drinks in her hands and offered one of them to Remus. "Here, I can't find James and I'm tired of holding this." Remus was looking over her shoulder, searching desperately for a petite brunette—
"I can't remember the last time I really had a drink," Lily admitted, "it feels…"
"Lily, I'm so sorry but I – I have to find Alice," Remus panicked. He imagined her rushing into the street, tears ruining the perfect makeup she'd had on. How could he do that? How could he ruin her one bloody night?
"Is something wrong?" Lily asked, her smile dropping.
"Yes I – I messed up. I'll explain later."
"Okay…" Remus took a healthy gulp from the cup he'd been offered and thrust it back in Lily's hand, continuing his quick stride towards the door. He was just out of the apartment when he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"Where are you getting off to, mister?" Dorcas asked, closing the door as she stepped onto the landing with him. "You've been hiding all night—"
"Now's not a good time, Doe…" Dorcas was leaning in for a kiss but he pushed her off, her eyes widening with shock. "I have to find Alice—"
"What the fuck is going on with you tonight?" Remus felt like his head was spinning. Everything seemed to be slipping from his control. Alice would be long gone by now, possibly already back in Brighton, and he'd hurt her. More than he had ever imagined he could hurt one of his best friends.
"Damnit!" Remus cursed, kicking the railing.
"You're freaking me out, what's going on—"
"WHAT'S GOING ON?" he bellowed. "I should be asking you that." He pointed a very accusing finger at Dorcas' chest, which she quickly swatted away.
"I'm having a nice night with friends, which you seem intent on ruining." She was frowning now, her arms crossed.
"What have you been doing these past few weeks for Moody?" Remus demanded.
"Nothing—"
"That is a lie and you know it." Dorcas bowed her head.
"It's a secret—"
"I'm not a fucking co-worker. I'm your boyfriend. I love you. You're supposed to share these things with me—"
"It's more complicated than that, Remus…" She wouldn't look at him. Maybe then it would be too hard to hold back the truth he so desperately needed.
"You don't trust me, then?" he asked, stepping in closer to her. "Is that it?"
"No—"
"THEN TELL ME!" His booming cry sent the second-floor door flying open, an old lady in a dressing gown squinting up at the couple.
"What's going on up there?"
Remus and Dorcas shared a nervous glance and then both sprinted down the stairs and out the front door, despite the protests of Emmeline's landlady. It was freezing outside – particularly without jackets – but they sat on the front stoop anyway, knees drawn into their chests.
"I want to tell you everything," Dorcas confessed, "and I will. When the time is right you will know exactly why I've been acting so strange recently and it'll all make sense, and this," she motioned between them, "this strangeness…it won't be there anymore. I'm just asking – begging, really – that you bear with me." Remus wanted so desperately to nod his head and let it go. He couldn't though. He himself had once kept a secret from a girl he'd cared for very much and it had destroyed them...and her.
"You are the only person who has ever accepted who I am," Remus reminded her, her hands clutched in his own. "I never thought I'd find someone that I could be honest with…" her brown eyes were filling with tears now. "I can't live like that again Dorcas, weighed down by secrets…not after Leila…"
"It's not like that, though! Remus, you have to understand, there are people's lives at stake—"
"Whose?"
Her face broke. "I can't tell you…"
"What am I supposed to make of that?" Remus demanded. "How can I be okay with the fact that you're keeping this from me? I'm not just a co-worker, Dorcas, I'm your partner—"
"I know—"
"Then tell me!" His voice was filled with desperation but he didn't care. Months of secrets had taken any sense of dignity he had away. He was desperate to understand what had her sneaking from bed in the morning and creeping in late at night. He needed to know why her body seemed constantly covered in bruises and her eyes had never looked so tired. What was Moody doing to her?
"I made a choice a long time ago to make my job my life," Dorcas admitted to him. "It has cost me more than once, but Moody needs me, now more than ever, and I can't betray him. Not even for you. If you can't accept that…"
"Dorcas—"
"I can't give you what you're asking, Remus." She shrugged, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Not right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if that means this is over." She was crying harder now, mascara mixing with tears. Perhaps a stronger man would've walked away but Remus wasn't strong. He was in love and he'd let that feeling slip away once already…
Emmeline's party had been shut down just after midnight when Mrs Graham had heard voices on the landing and stomped upstairs to figure out what was going on. She had been shocked – and terribly confused about how the noise didn't seem to leave the confines of the apartment. Of course, the whole party had fled and many had found solace in the bar at the corner of Emmeline's street.
Lily was squeezed into a booth with Marlene, Sirius, and Peter. James had gone to fetch them all drinks from the bar. Mary and Reg were fidgeting with the jukebox, searching for the right song, while Emmeline stole a light from a handsome man across the bar. For the first time in a while, everyone was together and everyone was happy.
"You know, I think we might host Christmas dinner again this year," Lily told the table. "It would be good for Harry."
"That would be nice," Marlene agreed with a smile. She was leaning into Sirius' side, head rested on his shoulder. Lily couldn't remember the last time her friend had appeared quite so content.
"Four beers and, for the princess among us, a martini," James announced as he placed the tray of drinks down.
"You're just jealous I've got better taste in alcohol than you."
"More expensive taste," James corrected her.
"Says the trust fund baby among us."
"What a handsome trust fund baby, though," Lily teased her husband, taking his face in her hands and giving him a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek. James squirmed and rolled his eyes but she knew he loved it.
"Well, how does it feel? First night on the town without the baby."
"It's nice," Lily nodded, swallowing back her next words.
"While you lot are wonderful, I have to say, Harry may be better company." Lily was just thankful it was James who said it. Everyone at the table laughed, Emmeline, wandering over from her kind gentleman to figure out what was so funny.
"Oh, nothing," Marlene assured her as the laughter came to an end, "James and Lily have just aged about forty years."
"Who's the man?" Peter inquired with curiosity.
"His name is Michael and he's an engineering student."
"Engineering?" The wizards around the table asked in awe.
"Did none of you take Muggle Studies?" Lily was always baffled by the ignorance of the wizarding world, things that seemed so common to her were mysteries to her closest friends.
"It always conflicted with Divination," James answered obviously.
"Yeah, well, your tea leaves promised you that you'd be Minister for Magic within the next five years and I'll be honest, I don't see that happening, mate," Sirius told his friend with a signature smirk.
"Hey! I've still got plenty of time to prove my leadership ability."
"I'm sorry if anyone in this marriage is coming out the head of government I'm putting my money on Lily."
"I second that!" Emmeline piped up, still making eyes at Michael across the room. Lily was thankful to see her distracted for the first time in months. The guilt over Gideon's loss had torn her apart and finally, a glimmer of the old Emmeline was there.
Reg and Mary seemed to finally find their desired song – Dream a Little Dream. It was a strange choice for a bar but as the two of them drew together and began to sway to the tune it made a little more sense. James turned to his wife with an inviting smile and she nodded before he'd got the request out.
"I'm glad you agreed to come out tonight," he said, as they came together in the middle of the bar, a few feet from Reg and Mary.
"Me too," Lily sighed, resting her head against his chest. "We should do this more…"
"Do you ever wish we'd waited?" James asked, catching her off guard. "To get married and have Harry?" It was a funny question, but one Lily had pondered many times to herself.
"I mean, having Voldemort trying to murder our son is the last thing I would've wanted," she told him, "but I'm happy. Really, I am. You two are the only good thing to come out of this bloody war…"
"For me, too." She could tell just by the way he said it he was smiling. When she looked up she saw the happiness washing upon his face. They had built the family they both so desperately needed. "Maybe we should have another one," James suggested, making Lily laugh.
"How about we wait till this one sleeps through the night?"
"Fine," he gave in, "but I hope you know Harry won't be an only child. He'll have all sorts of younger siblings to boss around—"
"That's not all younger siblings are good for!" Lily piped up defensively.
"Spoken like a true younger child." She gave her husband a playful smack on the back and then drew him down for a kiss.
"We'll have lots more kids," she promised. "Enough to make the Potter manor feel crowded." She could see the way his face lit up when she said it.
"We'd need to get a new house…"
"So be it," Lily shrugged, "I've been getting the feeling we might grow out of Godric's Hollow someday soon…it might be nice to find somewhere bigger, better for raising kids. We could keep it as a family cottage, the way you use to."
"I'd like that," James nodded, his eyes sparkling with joy, "I'd like it quite a lot."
