Chapter 3:

A/N: This story takes place several days after chapter 2.

Dive bar, very late evening:

Dean sat at the bar signalling for another round. Upside down shot glasses lined in front of him. The bartender finished pouring a drink, and leant forward her low cut top exposing more than a little bit of cleavage. "Another?" She spoke, Dean licked his lips and leveled a smouldering look at her. Meanwhile, two girls eye him from a distance.

"I think you have an admirer," the bartender said as one of them approached him, and slid two shots his way. He knocked back one, and set the other on the bar table to the left of him without looking.

"Is this seat taken?" Mystery girl said coily.

"Last I knew this was for you." He turned his head. It didn't matter what she looked like. She was not Cas, but she was here and that was enough for Dean. Tomorrow night it would be a different face with him on the dance floor and then in the back of a random Men of Letters car. And no matter the girls, none erased the nightmares he faced at night. The nightmares that left him feeling hollow. Nightmares that weren't nightmares at all, but always ended with him and Cas.

On one unremarkable night while Sam and Eileen were on a job, Dean repeated his ritual, except this girl, with the short dark hair and sky blue eyes nearly stopped him dead in the water. Somehow she convinced him to dance to a song and she did everything right. She went shot for shot with him, had a dry literal sense of humor about her and an angel wing tattoo on full display on her back.

It didn't take much effort for him to convince her to come with him out to his car. Nothing more than a nice smile and a wink. When they kissed all thoughts left his mind. 'Oh yes, she would do.' Her hands all over his body, and his all over hers, in her hair, caressing the tattoo on her back, the curves of her body. Hands growing more eager with each piece of shed clothing, both getting lost exploring every and every inch of each other. It wasn't long until there was no distance between them.

Then beyond any of his will he wasn't staring up at tonight's Mystery Woman, but he was getting lost in someone else's ocean eyes. He was surrounded by sweat, muscle, and the scent of ozone mixed with a musk that reminded him of a church. Dean's eyelids fluttered shut and his breathing became irregular. Imagining his mouth falling agape, sucking in a breath and panting out a gravely, "Dean." Just as he does each night in his dreams like a ghost. It is enough to send Dean nearly bursting, and in his delusion he panted out a very real, a very outloud, "fuck, Cas, yes." He was met, however, with a sound of complete disgust, and the very real image of Mystery Woman.

"It's Mandy! Jesus, you can't even keep a first name straight!" She got off of him and began dressing quickly.

"Hey woah woah what are you doing, Mandy?"

"Getting dressed. Look you're too fucked up for this to be consensual." Dean couldn't even protest, she was right. He threw his boxer briefs on, no sign of a hard on. She continued, "Listen, I get it, I'm obviously not here for love either, but you might want to wait until you're over her."

"Him." He eyed her, unsure of what her reaction would be. She looked away, almost dreamlike.

"Wanna talk about what happened?" She didn't judge him. Something about her reminded him of Charlie.

"He died." Dean made a silent prayer to not cry and maintain a shred of dignity in this situation.

"Oof, dead boyfriend. Yeah there is no one who is going to be able to compete with that. At least not any time soon."

Dignity be damned, a tear formed in his eye and he quickly cursed it away, "We never were together."

"The one that got away….Mind if I smoke?"

"Ugh, outside?"

Mandy got out, lit a cigarette, and leaned against the car, Dean finished dressing and joined her. She offered him a drag which he quickly waved away.

"So, how did Cas die?" she asked sincerely.

"He took a bullet...meant for me."

She nodded, "Sounds like a saint," and Dean gave a nod in agreement. "What branch were you two in?" He thanked his lucky stars for her assumption.

"Army. We were stationed overseas, we had two people gunning for us and got trapped, and gave himself up so I could get out and get to the rest of our squad."

"Man, that's rough." She took another drag of her cigarette. "I know the army is a lotta bit eh," she gestured, "about gay people but do you think he knew?"

"How I felt?" Dean paused and wondered. "I don't think so and I didn't get a chance to tell him. Things were...cut short."

Something clicked for her, her eyes opening slightly wider in realization, "Oh... did he love you?" There was something about Mandy that was refreshing. Maybe it was because she was a stranger and didn't judge him, but around her, in that moment it was easier than ever for him to be who he truly was. Despite his hard exterior, he looked up at the stars and tears welled in his eyes, he nodded yes. Then he felt the back of her hand gently tap the back of his, passing the cigarette into it. He lifted it to his mouth, the warm smoke filling his lungs. He hadn't done this since he was a kid, before he had to sit in school for a DARE class. Something about those blackened lungs stuck with him and he swore up and down he'd never smoke again, but that was before he lost Cas. She lit another of her own.

"That's some heavy shit." She said, Dean nodded again. They stayed like that talking for several hours casually talking and opening up to each other. She gave him space to be sad and reminisce without being sad herself.

"Alright, last question, and then I think we are both sober enough to depart safely."

"Yeah," Dean laughed. "This Anthony dude, what was so special about him?"

She threw her head back in laughter while Dean took a drag from her last cigarette, "Special? I don't think he was necessarily special unless you call eating pizza with a knife and fork special. But he did make me laugh."

Chuckling out the smoke, "Fork and knife pizza? I know I don't really know you but like you've got to have better standards than that!"

"Ha ha ha, okay. Your turn. Same question."

"Cas, I mean he was Cas you know. If you saw him, you'd never even think twice about him but he was one of the best people I ever fought with…" Dean pulled out his phone and began searching for an image. He stopped when he found it. It was of Cas beaming, nose scrunched. His eyes shone with joy. "Here," he passed her the phone and pointed at the screen, "You'd never think he'd be so lethal, but he was. I never felt scared fightin' with him by my side 'til that night. He just, he always surprised me. Then," Dean sighed, "Then he had to go and save me..."

Without the haze of alcohol, the loss stung in a way Dean had been avoiding. All encompassing fear and sorrow. His lip quivered as he sucked in a tearful breath. Mandy tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder, and drew him closer and into a hug. They remained like that until dusk.

Appleton, Wisconsin, early evening:

They found the demon and laid the trap fairly easily.

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis-" Sam began.

"What makes you think I'd help a Winchester and a hunter bitch?"

"Satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis-"

The demon began to smoke out, but found itself unable to go far. It eyed Sam. "How?"

"Demon trap carved on the bullet, courtesy of the bitch." Eileen stated frankly.

"Adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica. Ergo, omnis legio diabolica, adiuramus te." The black smoke from the demon left the lifeless body of its vessel and burned on the ground returning it to hell. "Next time don't call her a bitch."

"Sam, this is the fifth crossroads demon we've tried and had to exorcise. I don't think this is working. They won't help us."

"Well we have to try. I'll give Dean a call and let him know we are going to grab another case while we are out here."

Hell:

"My liege, there are rumblings that a Winchester is killing crossroad demons."

"They're Winchesters, dear, the demons probably had it coming."

"With all due respect," the demon bowed his head, "the tall one is the one who is summoning them."

Rowena's mood shifted anger flashing in her eyes.

"What about the short one?"

"He is not there. A woman is with him."

"Tell all crossroad demons that they are not to make any deals until I am back! Get out! Leave me now!" Rowena's temper boiled over, as soon as the underling left her chambers she quickly left.

Bunker, outside, evening:

Rowena stood at the entrance to the Bunker debating with herself on how to best get Dean's attention, then she decided to do the most sensible thing, call him.

Bunker, kitchen:

"Rowena?" Dean answered gruffly

"Hello, Dean, have a minute to chat? I am outside the door, be a dear and come let Auntie Rowena in." He debated with himself, but ultimately made his way to the bunker's entry way.

Entering the bunker, "Ah yes, Dean, not looking so good now are we?"

"And hello to you too."

"I didn't come here to exchange pleasantries, tell me, why is your brother and his lady killing my loyal subjects?"

"What are you talkin' about?" Dean asked out of genuine confusion.

"Stop toying with me, boy, why is your brother summoning and 'ganking' my crossroad demons?"

"I can tell you that he's not killing any that didn't deserve it, but when we talked this morning he told me he was hunting a shifter in Wisconsin."

"So you have no idea?"

"That's what I just said."

Rowena eyed him cautiously, something was distinctly off about him. "What's wrong?"

He looked away, pursed his lips, and furrowed his brow.

"The silent treatment?" He continued to ignore her. "Cat got your tongue?" She waited for his reply, but it did not come, "Dean, we've known each other for a while, I'd even say that at times, we were friends. Out with it."

He looked at her, he was so reluctant, all she needed to do was push a bit harder.

"You and your brother in a wee tift?"

"No, but we might be when he gets back."

"So... if it's not your brother, then…" she stopped, gears turning, and then she got it, just above a whisper she spoke, "Castiel?"

"You don't get to say his name!" Anger flared in him.

"That's it….Oh dear," she sighed. The vindictive cruel woman faded away, and the loving side of her took over. She stepped closer to him and held his hand, "That angel of yours was something special. I always thought that he and my dear Fergus were shattered at the altar of Winchester, but it appears that a Winchester was shattered at the altar of Castiel."

Ripping her hand away, "Stop! Just stop! I'm done." Dean stopped himself from yelling and continued, "I told you what I know, you're just going to have to go talk to Sam. Wherever the hell he is."

She continued to maintain eye contact with him, almost as if she were reading him magically. Defiantly, she went to the bar cart, and poured two drinks, one whiskey and one gin. She passed Dean the whiskey and gestured for him to sit down. She threw back her drink, and poured herself a second immediately. "I won't say his name, darlin', but I will say that we both have people that we love in there, and I wouldn't mind staying for a while."

Middle of nowhere, Wisconsin, evening:

Sam and Eileen were working on their next demon. They had gotten lucky and found one at a rural bar making a deal with some sad sack. They managed to lure him out back.

"There are two ways that this can go."

"Oh yeah tiger? What's that? I want the one where I kill you and wear your lady as my meat suit."

"Shut up!" Sam yelled, "we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Easy way is you do what we ask and we leave you alone. The hard way is…well…" Eileen flashed Ruby's demon blade. The demon flashed his black eyes, his temper flared.

"What is it?"

"So you'll help?" Sam was surprised.

"I asked what it was not if I'd help."

"We need a message to get to Rowena. Tell her, tell her we have a plan to pull someone out of the Empty."

"Why would Rowena help you? If I go to her with that, I'm down south for a century."

"Because-" Sam began, but Eileen quickly cut him off.

"Because her son is in the Empty."

Meanwhile at the bunker:

"I remember when I first held Fergus. He was perfect, but I knew I was bad for him. I couldn't care for him like he would need. I was too selfish. Too power hungry. Then when I met him again it felt like the universe had said, 'now is your chance', but I missed it. I missed the chance to be his mother, for him to be my son." Tears filled her eyes. Rowena desperately missed her son, there was no use hiding that. She would never get to see him in his afterlife in the Empty.

Dean nodded listening, his face drawn of all joy. He looked up from his now empty glass. She offered him a second, "I'm good...I'm not even sure I got a chance. Maybe ten seconds."

Ignoring his request and passing him a second drink, Rowena said, "and a lifetime of regret. At least for you, you're not immortal."

"At least for you, if you die, you go to the same place," Dean spoke softly into his drink. Her phone rang. Dean continued to sip staring at his glass, searching for the bottom. She stood from her seat, "Hello?...Really now?...Uh-huh," after hanging up the phone she turned to Dean, "it appears that I am needed elsewhere. A queen's job never ends. As always, Dean, it's been a pleasure."

Wisconsin, late evening:

It was a long shot, but the demon actually agreed to get their message to Rowena. The pair had skipped town fast enough that the demon wouldn't be a problem for them. At the motel, Eileen began digging for something in her bag, after finding it a wicked smile flashed across her face.

"What?" Sam signed. Eileen held up a joint, and chuckled. Her eyes shone like polished metal.

"Is that?" Sam continued, Eileen nodded, she was giddy, and Sam was as well.

"Took it from the demon in Indiana the other night." Tonight would be fun. Sam grabbed two beers, opened the tops and the two celebrated a win for a change.

"Watch this!" Sam took a long drag, held his breath, and then blew a smoke ring, Eileen beamed at Sam and clapped her hands with glee. She motioned for Sam to pass it, and taking a drag herself, she brought Sam's close to her face. Opening his mouth to kiss her, she slowly let out the smoke, and Sam inhaled it and closed the distance between them. Kissing Eileen felt like coming home.

He threaded his fingers with hers and pulled her on top of him. To be with her and free of any spell or Chuck's meddling was nothing short of miraculous. It felt better than anything Chuck had ever done. Here she was, strong, warm, beautiful, so fucking beautiful and she was with him by choice. There was no doubt that what he felt for her weeks earlier was only a glimmer of the very real feelings he had. Their kissing continued to deepen, getting more and more desperate.

"Um hmm? I believe you were looking to meet with me?" Rowena's voice startled Sam so much he practically threw Eileen off of him.

"Rowena!"

"I leave one Winchester drunk to find another higher than a kite tartin' around with a hunter. How the Winchesters have fallen. Samuel, good taste in women," Eileen smiled, Rowena continued,
"bad taste in weed. This room smells worse than a Dave Matthews Band concert. Now whatever the two of you have cooked up, won't work. I've seen your brother, he doesn't need more magic or demons, he needs therapy."

"You saw Dean?"

"For about three hours. Please explain to me how you can be galavanting out here when your brother is in that state. He needs you. He needs support."

"We're not 'galavanting', we are working to get your attention. We are a little short on angel grace these days, so you've got to come to us. We want to get Cas back."

"Sam, Cas is in the Empty, the only one who has any power there is Jack, and I haven't even heard a whisper about him since you beat Chuck. Have you?"

"Not exactly…"

"And why, then, would I? Don't you think if Jack could save Castiel he already would've? Or Jack would listen to your prayers? You have tried praying to him?"

"We think we can break him out." Eileen stated. Rowena scoffed, "It is a long shot, but you're magic has done crazier things."

"Why would I even help you? What would I get out of having an expert demon smiter on Earth again?"

Sam knew the one word that would convince her, "Fergus."

Bunker, late evening:

Dean stared at the empty glass, a bead of whiskey clinging to the bottom. The bottle across the table from him was empty.

'I ruined him,' he thought. 'Cas you LEFT ME! You always leave me. You left me like my mom left me. Like my dad left me. Like Sam left me. I told you don't do this! I didn't want you to leave me! I wanted you to stay! And you fucking left me AGAIN!'

Hot bitter tears fell and an anger filled him. Behind that was frustration, fear, love, pain, loss, everything. Anger was the only thing he could hang onto and so he whipped the glass clear across the room shattering it against the brick wall. Then the bottle. Then the lamp. Then the chair and a second and a third and a fourth. The framed photos of founding Men of Letters crashing down. Finally he flipped the table and it slid against the rubble. His body screamed in the release of all that tension and his breath became faster than he could catch. His balled fists pounded at his thighs, his head hung and face twisted in pain.

'I hate you. I hate you for leaving me again.'

He lifted his head and shouted pointing up at the ceiling, "You hear that Cas! Castiel! Do you hear me? I hate you! I didn't want you to leave and you left me! You left me to deal with life without you in it! And I hate you because I can't hate you! Because I can't stop loving you!" His voice cracked and the inescapable tears fell, "Fuck!" He rubbed his face, yawned, and walked away shaking his head. He'd clean things up tomorrow.

It was barely dawn when Sam and Eileen returned to the bunker to find the mess. Rowena had promised to meet with them the following day at a nearby cafe.

"Um…" Sam nodded hands on his hips, eyes wide at the mess. He pinched his brow.

"I think we will need a big trash can." Eileen said flatly.

Turning to face her, "Yep. I'll be back."

Eileen didn't wait for Sam, she walked the opposite direction to room 11 and knocked on the door.

"You're going to have to open the door since I won't be able to hear you otherwise." The door opened wide. Dean was fuming and crying. Eileen's expression and mood softened.

"I fixed your car," Dean said flatly, handing her the keys.

"Thanks." She eyed him suspiciously, "What happened in the library? A monster?"

"Nope. That was me." Dean was colder to her than he had intended, but truthfully he just wanted to be left alone.

"Well your brother is cleaning it up now, go help him." Eileen walked away not interested in reply.

When Dean got to the library Sam was already cleaning and filling the trash can with debris. Dean silently picked up a large piece of shattered glass and tossed it into the can. They continued to clean in silence. As Sam tossed the last chair leg into the can, Dean spoke, "How was the hunt?"

Sam returned his brother's flatness, "Fine."

"Baby?"

"Keys are in the garage."

Dean waited a beat before speaking again, "Why did you lie to me?"

"I don't know." Sam feigned ignorance, which flared anger in Dean.

"I'm gonna ask you again, why did you lie to me? Why are you still lyin' to me, man?"

"Because, Dean, you're already unstable and if we're wrong about this you're not coming back from that."

"I know that I've been a little depressed lately but-" Dean retorted defensively.

"A little? Dean, look," he gestured to the full trash can, "you won't deal with losing Cas, instead you just keep drinking, sleeping around, and hiding away in your room! You need help, because if we're right, he can't come back to this," The last word Sam looked Dean up and down and shook his head in disappointment.

"Are you friggin serious right now?" Sam blinked in response. "I'm drunk not stupid. You're telling me that you're cooking up some way to bring him back without me?" Dean scoffed and began taking steps backwards. He was hurt.

"Yeah, you're staying out of this," Sam said with conviction. "Dean, you need AA and therapy, because if we're wrong you won't make it, and if we're right the two of you won't make it. Finish cleaning your mess. I'm going to bed."

"AA and therapy? Really?" He waited for Sam to back down, when that didn't happen, "Go to hell, Sam."

At that Sam let out a short sigh, and walked away."I've already been. Didn't take."

Dean was reeling. Are you fucking serious! Dean resisted the urge to destroy more of the library than he already had and managed to clean the rest of the space up, and then walked to his room and slammed the door shut.

A/N: Charlie is in the next chapter, but not the other universe Charlie. It is the Charlie that we know and love who *did not die* (welcome to my headcanon a little bit) Please review thanks!