Marlene was waiting for Severus Snape outside of the grimy townhouse in south London that he had entered only forty minutes ago. She sat impatiently on a park bench fifty metres away, a pair of black sunglasses perched on the edge of her nose. She was on her third cigarette of the morning and doing her best to focus on the rising sun rather than whatever scene unfolded inside of the townhouse she was watching closely. Sirius would be awake soon and without the Order to fall back on as an excuse, Marlene would have a hard time lying to him.
It had been a spur of the moment decision, continuing Dorcas' work. Without the distraction of Order missions, Marlene had nothing to occupy her time. Suddenly, she was helpless in the midst of a war that seemed to get worse by the day. Without a fighting force, she couldn't see how they could win...
"You got another one of those?" There was a woman standing in front of her bench, a black hood pulled up over her head.
"Sure." Marlene barely looked up as she drew a cigarette from her pack and handed it to her. She had one thing to focus on and she was already letting her attention wander.
"Awful early to be sitting out here alone."
"I could say the same to you," Marlene replied dryly. She hoped that would be the end of their interaction but it seemed her new companion was not so inclined, as she took a seat on the bench beside Marlene.
"I bring my dog out here before it gets busy." Marlene was barely listening. What did she care what some stranger did with her life? "She gets too anxious with all the children running around, screaming."
Marlene thought she saw some movement behind one of the curtained windows. She strained her eyes, struggling to get a good view in the early morning light...
"You still haven't told me what it is you're doing here." Merlin, Marlene would've liked to hex this woman into silence.
"Minding my own business," she answered irritably. Now she looked beside her, the woman sitting there with a dark hood heavily masking her face. Marlene was sure she had to be older, in her late thirties perhaps. There were a few loose strands of silver that slipped out, her lips painted bright red. Marlene studied her for a moment, waiting for that unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach to pass. It didn't.
"Trust it," Dorcas advised, circling around Marlene. They were in the Aurors' training room. Moody had insisted that if Marlene were to work with Dorcas she be properly trained to do so. "That intuition, the gut instinct telling you to run, listen to it."
"What about when my gut instinct is wrong?"
"It's never wrong," Dorcas assured her. She paused in front of Marlene, hands on her hips. "It'll tell you before you realize it yourself. That slight uncertainty, something amidst in the breeze, you can sense it." She stepped closer to Marlene now. "Act on it."
The woman was smiling but Marlene didn't sense any friendliness in it. the cigarette she had asked for remained in her hand, unlit.
"Where's your dog?" Marlene asked. She'd been so distracted by her mission she had forgotten to stay alert, the same lack of awareness that had caused Dorcas to get murdered. How could she be so stupid? She caught the woman's right hand sliding towards her pocket and Marlene could be certain what would happen next.
She lunged forward, shoving the woman to the ground before she could make another move. She had been right, of course, the minute she rolled over, looking up at Marlene, there was a wand in her right hand.
"STUPEFY!" Marlene already had her shield charm up, the curse bouncing right off. Flitwick had always been so pleased with her shields…
Both women knew they couldn't continue long like that. An open park was no place for a duel and, with the sun now up, some innocent muggle would come wandering by at any moment. Her companion might not have minded harming innocent civilians but Marlene wouldn't allow any more casualties than there needed to be. She knew what she needed to do, even if every fibre of her being fought against it. She did her best, deflecting each and every curse her opponent sent flying her way, but Marlene was a skilled and trained fighter. She'd learnt from the best how to win...she waited until the woman was at her weakest, tired out from all the effort she'd been putting in, and then she took her shot.
It was one smooth motion, as easy as everyone had always told her it would be, and suddenly the woman was lying motionless on the ground. Marlene waited, her heart pounding in her ears, but her opponent didn't move. The only sound came from two squirrels chasing each other up a nearby tree. Marlene didn't need to check the pulse of the woman to know she was dead. She didn't wait for Severus Snape to exit the townhouse either, the time for that had passed, instead, she made certain no trace of her had been left behind and apparated away.
She landed on the solid ground in the alleyway behind the flat she shared with Sirius. If she hadn't cast that curse it would've been her body lying in the grass, she knew that. She couldn't let the woman live, allowing her to run back to the other Death Eaters and inform them that she was skulking about, following Snape, and yet, she'd never felt so dirty in her life.
Marlene leaned forward, hand pressed against the wall in front of her for support, and puked. She knew she couldn't tell anyone. If Moody found out what she was doing, if anyone did, there'd be hell to pay. One person had already been lost trying to track the movements of Severus Snape, she knew that her friends would be furious if they found out she was risking her life to continue such dangerous work.
No one would be angrier than Sirius. They'd promised each other only the truth, that the days of lies and secrets were in their past, but they weren't, were they? Here Marlene was, stumbling her way back to their flat with blood on her hands and he hadn't the faintest clue. One day he would understand. When James, Lily and Harry were safe and happy, and the war was done, Sirius would see it had all been for a noble cause.
Wipe that look off your face, Marlene could hear Dorcas telling her. He'll read you like an open book if you come home looking like that. Marlene could imagine she looked a fright. Sirius would take one look at her and know something terrible had happened and then it would all have been for nothing.
She paused before unlocking their door, taking a deep breath, and stepped inside. She could hear Sirius snoring from the bedroom. He hadn't noticed she was gone, at least that could be a small relief. She turned on the shower, hopping inside with steam filling up the small, windowless bathroom.
"Have you ever had to kill anyone?" Marlene asked, her head rested on Henry's chest. She'd snuck down to Hogsmeade to see him, despite it being strictly against the rules. She liked his little apartment, above the bar. It was cosy, a fire always burning in the corner. She felt safe curled up in his strong arms.
"Where did that question come from?"
"Just...curious, considering what you do…" Marlene had a thousand questions for Henry about his work with what he called 'The Order.' She wanted to know how it operated and, most importantly, how the hell she could sign herself up.
"I don't want to answer that," Henry sighed, his fingers stroking her short blonde hair. He loved her haircut…
"Why?"
"Because," Henry said, his face long when she tilted her head up towards him, "it'll change the way you look at me."
She hadn't understood what Henry meant back then, but now, as she scrubbed her skin dry, she realized the burden he had carried. She could never live with herself if Sirius were to lose that sparkle in his eye when he looked at her. Marlene could risk many things but not Sirius, never him.
She stepped out of the shower shaking and there was only one pair of arms she wanted. The snoring from the bedroom had stopped and when Marlene stepped inside, nothing but a towel wrapped around her trembling body, Sirius looked up.
"What're you doing up so early?" He mumbled, still half asleep.
"I couldn't sleep." Marlene had her back to him as she rummaged through her drawers, searching for the warmest sweater she owned. It was of no use. Her mind was a scrambled mess and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop her hands from shaking.
"Marls?" Came Sirius' voice after a while. Stay strong, Dorcas commanded her. Don't you dare let it show…
"I'm sorry I…" she stumbled over her words. "I don't feel like myself this morning."
"Come back to bed." She didn't move, still too afraid to face him. "Come on."
Finally, she dropped the towel and snatched an old t-shirt off the floor - one of Sirius' old Quidditch shirts. She sighed with relief as his arms came to wrap around her, a kiss planted against her cheek. It was hard to feel scared when Sirius was near…
"Are you okay?" He whispered in her ear, still sounding half asleep.
"I am now." Marlene rolled over and took his face in her hands, her mouth finding his. Still, in a daze from the events of the morning, they made love, Marlene allowing Sirius to take her in his arms and wipe her mind clear of the awful memory of that woman's dead body on the ground…
She fell asleep after that, her face nuzzled into Sirius' chest, and when she woke it would all feel like a distant nightmare.
Four Months Later
Alice was preparing dinner, a roast chicken and some mashed potatoes, while Remus put Neville down for the night. Alice had returned home from work after five and she'd been too exhausted to take over Neville's bedtime routine. Thankfully, with Remus now living in their guest room, there was always an extra pair of hands on deck.
She was drinking a tall glass of red wine, shuffling around her roasted vegetables on their tray before they were to be returned to the oven. That's when she heard the front door open and knew, with a sigh of relief, Frank was home. She waited in the kitchen, listening as he kicked his shoes off at the front door and the floorboards creaked as he shifted towards the kitchen.
"It smells amazing," he told her, planting a kiss on her cheek from behind.
"Did you guys manage to get what Moody wanted?" Alice had been on desk duty today while Frank, and a team of five others, had been out in the field, searching for more clues that might help them better understand why Voldemort and his followers had chosen to wipe out the entire McKinnon family in one night.
"Close." Alice waited, her back to her husband, for the rest of the news to come. She had been one of the first to see the McKinnons after the attack, one of the first to see Marlene, strapped to that god-awful chair…
Alice poured her husband a glass of wine and brought it to him at the table where he had collapsed, looking positively exhausted. He had his head in his hands, the robes he'd been wearing draped over the back of his chair.
"There was a woman murdered in a park in April. There was only one eyewitness, an old lady who saw part of the altercation from her living room window. She saw a blonde haired woman at the scene who disappeared quite quickly..." Alice's stomach sank.
"There's no way that was Marlene," she insisted. "She would never—"
"The park was across the street from Travers' home. Apparently, a man with dark hair and a hooked nose came through the park not long after that. He discovered the woman's body." Severus Snape. Alice felt nauseous.
"She continued Dorcas' work after…"
"They must've been on to her." Frank's face was blank as he sipped his wine, sinking back into his chair. Alice was certain Marlene hadn't told a soul, hadn't shared with anyone what she was still doing…
They heard footsteps coming down the stairs and Alice turned to her husband in a panic. "Don't tell Remus."
"He should know—"
"He'll never forgive himself," Alice said, lowering her voice. She knew he felt guilty enough already, for torturing Marlene in her final months, how could he bear to know that as he'd been accusing her of being a traitor she had been risking her life to finish Dorcas' work?
"The truth is going to come out regardless Al." Frank wore a long face. "Moody is requesting a full report to be published in the morning. He doesn't want to risk anyone on the team doing something so foolish, and Al…" he bowed his head, refusing to look at her. Remus was rounding on the kitchen. "Moody is stepping down." Alice felt as though she'd been kicked in the stomach.
"He…he can't—"
"It's decided. He's signed his letter of resignation." Alice gripped the stem of her wine glass, as though it were the last piece of reality she had to hold on to. Remus entered the room not long after that, informing them that Neville had been put down to sleep. Frank downed the rest of his glass and asked if Remus would sit with him in the living room so they might chat. Alice didn't dare move. She had no desire to see the look upon her best friend's face when he realized the damage he had caused in the life of a dear old friend.
It was late September, the warm summer air long since gone and replaced by a crisp fall. The change in seasons had once excited Alice. She'd loved to see the colour of the leaves change and the fresh smell in the air. It felt like ages ago that such things had mattered. Now, her only concern was getting from one day to the next, keeping her son safe and her family alive. It was difficult to enjoy the changing seasons when all they seemed to bring was more death, more misery, and the loss of another friend.
Alice imagined Marlene, running from that park after murdering someone. She doubted that she had told even Sirius. She had carried the weight of that day around for the rest of her life. Alice wondered if she'd felt guilty if she had been drowning in the shame of what she'd done. How had she hidden it? How had she buried such a horrifying experience?
She couldn't help but wonder what else her friend had been hiding to protect the rest of them. They all had secrets they would carry to their graves.
"Harry!" Lily scolded her eight-½ month old, "don't hit the cat!" Mimi looked ready to draw blood. Lily was watching the pair from across the room as she ironed laundry muggle style. James had been antsy all morning, pacing around the house, growing short with Harry whenever he misbehaved, and Lily had practically forced him to put on his invisibility cloak and go on an adventure.
She managed their "imprisonment" (as James called it) much better than he. James could only go a few days before growing irritable and grumpy. Lily had become used to it and, despite struggling at first; had developed a sort of routine whenever James became too stir-crazy. Lily was just grateful Harry wasn't old enough to complain. He was always more than happy for a boring day inside with his mum, watching cartoons on the telly or folding laundry, which Harry much preferred unfolding.
It was half past one when there came a knock at the door, Lily leaving the rest of her ironing to magic as she answered it. She took Harry with her, not trusting him to be alone with the cat, and answered the door to find Remus on the front step, Harry bouncing on her hip.
"Oh," Lily answered in surprise. Remus was the last person she had been expecting. He hadn't spoken to her or James since Dorcas' murder and, quite frankly, Lily hadn't been expecting to hear from him any time soon.
"I'm sorry, is it a bad time?"
"Of course not." Lily could hardly believe he was standing there, talking to her. He looked thinner, his chin rough with stubble. She wondered if he'd bothered to look in a mirror in the past month. They were just standing there, neither quite meeting the other's glance. "James isn't home," Lily finally told him, figuring that was who he'd come to see.
"Right…" Remus had his head bowed. "Could I…" he cleared his throat, "would you mind if I came in for a minute?"
"Of course not." Lily opened the door wider and stepped aside. They settled in the living room, Lily coming out with a tray of tea and biscuits. It was raining outside and the sound of droplets hitting the window panes was the only sound to fill the tense silence that came over the room. Lily didn't know what to say, whether she was meant to offer condolences or ignore the elephant in the room.
"I'm sorry for not coming sooner…"
"Oh Remus," she sighed, "you have nothing to apologize for."
"James must be mad at me," he continued, "for the things I said to Marlene—"
"Don't worry about that." Lily knew her husband wasn't particularly happy, especially with the radio silence he'd received from Remus, but how could a grieving man be blamed for a few poorly chosen remarks? "We're just worried about you is all."
"I'm fine." She knew that wasn't true. "I'm staying in Alice's guest room. She and Frank have been really good to me." Lily felt as though they were talking across enemy lines. Remus hardly looked at her, staring deep into his teacup, choosing every word carefully. When had they stopped being friends? When had they lost touch with the honesty that had always existed between them?
"Remus I…" Lily leaned forward. She was sitting in the armchair beside Remus, who sat on the end of the coach nearest her. She outstretched her hand, reaching for him, wanting desperately to offer the comfort she'd always given him when they were kids. He didn't reach for her the way he once had and Lily pulled back, startled by his lack of reciprocation. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, her own eyes falling to her lap.
"He's getting so big." Remus wasted no time changing the subject, eyes darting towards Harry who was slowly falling asleep in his baby swing as it rocked back and forth. It had become Lily's lifesaver.
"Yeah." Lily could hardly believe it herself, that Harry had once been no bigger than a plum inside of her. Even more terrifying was the thought that she had once considered never having him at all, her beautiful, green-eyed, baby boy. "He's getting close to saying his first word. James is convinced it's going to be Dada." Lily rolled her eyes.
"He looks just like him." Remus looked near tears as he said it. "Merlin, Caroline and Alec would've loved him you know?" Remus smiled. "This is exactly how they would've wanted James to end up."
"I'm not so sure James would agree with you." Lily's stomach clenched. "He's been having a hard time being under such tight constrictions."
"Is that why he's out?"
"Part of the reason, yeah." Lily prayed to god he came home before Remus had the chance to leave.
"What about you?"
"Me?" Lily was a little startled by the question. She hadn't had time to think about herself in a while. Every moment was spent worrying about Harry, or James - moping about, miserable half the time.
"It's just temporary," Lily shrugged, "it'll all be over soon." She couldn't miss the clear scepticism in Remus' eyes. He saw right through her act, just as she saw through his.
"I wish you wouldn't avoid us," Lily changed the subject, "James misses you..."
"I can't," Remus stated bluntly. "He'll always be on their side."
"Why do there have to be sides?" Lily couldn't understand it. If Remus and Sirius wanted to get into a fight that was one thing, but why drag the rest of them into it? "You know that James cares for you all equally—"
"Please," Remus shook his head in disbelief. "Do you really think James Potter would choose me over Marlene McKinnon?" Lily knew he was right; Marlene was James' oldest friend, he would never abandon her.
"So that's it?" Lily fought back tears. "You're willing to throw away ten years of friendship over a disagreement that doesn't even involve James?"
"We don't just disagree Lily, he's fraternizing with the enemy."
"Christ, Remus." Lily couldn't hold it in any longer. "Do you hear yourself? This is exactly what they want, they want to tear us apart-"
"There is a spy among us, Lily, we're already being torn apart."
"Fine, but you can't really believe that Marlene could do such a thing?"
"Maybe not willingly," Remus clung to his theory, "but perhaps, if she was forced by someone she loved…" Lily resisted the urge to scream out in rage. She knew Marlene well enough to know, deep down, she could never commit such an act of betrayal. She'd thought Remus knew the same...
"What does that mean for us, Remus?" He wouldn't look at her, his head turned to the side, but Lily understand the answer. "We need you, now more than ever. You can't abandon us, Remus, not now…" She knew he was still in there, buried beneath the mountains of fear and grief, that same boy who she'd taken as her date to James' New Year's party. The same boy she'd spent hours quizzing for a Potions exam.
"I don't trust them, Lily," he choked on his words. When he turned back to face her his eyes were filled with tears. "I don't think they're good people…" Lily felt as though she'd been punched in the gut. What had started as a simple friend group had grown into her family and now, for the second time in her life, her family was being torn apart.
Just as Lily prepared for the tears that were about to pour from her eyes, the front door shut. She did her best to swallow back the lump in her throat, not wanting James to see how upset she was.
"Remus," James gasped, entering the room. The cloak in his hand was dripping wet from the rain. Harry stirred in his swing seat, beginning to fuss when his father entered the room, wanting desperately to be held. James always had that effect on Harry. Lily distracted herself by picking him up, despite knowing well that it was James he wanted. Harry settled for his mother at least, clinging to her shoulder as she took him for a lap of the room.
"What's happened?" James asked, looking suspiciously from Remus to Lily. She turned away, facing the window with Harry bouncing on her hip.
"I'm sorry," Remus said, his voice barely audible. Lily couldn't be sure whether he intended the apology for her or James. The only thing she did know was that if she turned around and looked at him now she would burst into tears. All she could do was remember the evenings in which they'd sat in the Gryffindor Common Room after everyone had gone to bed, eating Cauldron Cakes and discussing the most recent thing James and Sirius had done to annoy Lily. Why hadn't she cherished those moments more when she'd had them?
"No," Lily heard James say, her back still turned. "You're not leaving until one of you tells me what the hell is going on." When Lily turned around she saw that Remus was sitting on the edge of the couch looking ready to bolt.
"Lily?" James demanded. Maybe if you'd been here you wouldn't need me to answer that question? Lily thought irritably to herself.
"I came to apologize," Remus interjected, "for everything." He stood up, stepping forward to leave, but James blocked him, sticking out his hands out.
"Apologize for what?" He asked, still clueless. "If you mean those things you said to Marlene and Sirius, we understand, you're grieving—"
"Remus didn't come to apologize for that," Lily snapped, desperate to rip the Band-Aid off. "He came to say goodbye." She could only see James' back as he tensed up, Remus' eyes dropping to the floor in shame.
"Mooney?" Remus winced at the use of his nickname. They'd had no idea what I painful memory those names were to become.
"I'm sorry Prongs." Lily closed her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing. She could feel the confusion, and the pain, which radiated off of James. She knew his heart was breaking and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "I understand why you can't agree with me."
"You can't believe it, not really," James insisted, as Lily had before him. "Marlene would never kill Dorcas. She's been a mess since it happened, she feels terrible. For Dorcas and for you, you know she would never do anything to hurt you, Remus—"
"Dorcas was fine for months and then, Marlene joins her, and a few weeks later she's dead." Lily felt sick just hearing the theory over again. How could he really believe that Marlene might be that evil? "Sirius has all the makings of a psychopath, don't pretend you don't know it too. His family history, the lack of empathy he showed after his brother's disappearance, his inability to show any emotion—"
"Come on, Remus! You know that isn't true. You've known him for ten years now, can you really think him that heartless?"
"I've been friends with you for almost ten years, with Peter. I never wanted anything to do with Sirius."
"That's rubbish."
"It's the truth, James. I never trusted him. I only forgave him for what happened that night with Snape, at the Whomping Willow, because of you. You just never wanted to hear it…" Lily thought she might be sick. It had been one thing to think that Remus' grief had convinced him of these theories, but, now she saw he really believed it. He truly thought that Sirius could be that awful... "It makes sense when you think about, it makes sense that he would be drawn to the dark side. Maybe Marlene didn't know, he drew her in and manipulated her feelings for him—"
"Stop," James said quietly.
"I'm sure Marlene didn't intend to change sides but after a while, if the person you love is doing it, it becomes impossible not to join in—"
"STOP!" The room went silent after that. Lily couldn't remember the last time she'd heard James raise his voice. The room remained still for only a few seconds before Harry began to cry.
"It was his idea, Remus, the animagi, it was his idea."
"Lily was best friend's with Severus Snape," Remus reminded him, all eyes turning on Lily, in the corner of the room, desperately trying to calm down her crying baby. "He turned, right under her nose—"
"It's not the same Remus," Lily shook her head.
"How? How is it different?"
"BECAUSE SIRIUS IS ONE OF US!" It made Lily's skin pimple with goosebumps, hearing James raise his voice like that. It made Harry bury his head against his mother's chest in a fit of tears.
"James!" Lily snapped. He turned around, his expression softening when he saw the pain he was causing his son.
"Prongs—"
"Just get out," James told him, turning his head away.
Remus looked like he wanted to say something, as though anything could heal the fracture that his accusations had caused. He left the house without another word and once the front door was closed James crumpled onto the couch, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Oh James," Lily cooed, rushing forward to comfort her husband, Harry still clutched against her chest. "It'll be okay, once all of this fighting is over and done with-"
"Can you really be that naive?" James demanded in a chilling tone. "It'll never go back to the way it was." Lily held Harry a little closer, as though protecting him from James' harsh words. "We're cursed."
Five Months Later
Remus could hear voices from downstairs, both Alice and Frank insisting to Hagrid that this was the wrong choice. He tried to ignore them as he held Harry in his arms, rocking him slowly back and forth. He'd been asleep for at least an hour now but Remus hadn't dared to stand up and wake him. It was perhaps, the first moment of peace that Harry had had all day. Remus wanted so desperately to stay there with him, to keep him safe forever.
They were sitting in Neville's bedroom. He was asleep in his crib, his nightlight twinkling in the corner. It was a moment of peace in a sea of terror until Remus heard someone come up the stairs. Light spilt in from the hallway as Alice poked her head around the door.
Her eyes were filled with tears and she shook her head when Remus gazed up hopefully. "Dumbledore insists that this is the only way he'll be safe," she whispered. "Hagrid refuses not to follow his orders."
Remus was tired of following Dumbledore's orders. Those very orders had caused the murder of more than one person he cared about, why should he trust them now? Dumbledore wanted to send Harry to be with his last living relatives, the Dursleys. Remus knew for certain that neither Lily nor James would have ever chosen Lily's sister as their son's caregiver. She'd never even met the boy.
"It's wrong…"
"I know," Alice agreed, biting on her lip. "He won't listen to a word Frank or I say—"
"We could run away with him," Remus suggested, frantic for a solution. "He and I could run away together, we could live in the countryside—"
"What about when you have a transformation?" Alice reminded him, reality crashing down around them.
"He could stay with you two, we could find a way—"
"Dumbledore insists that the only way to keep him safe is to leave him with relatives of Lily's. That is the only way to maintain whatever protection spell it is she cast over him—"
"Sounds like a load of bollocks to me."
"I know." Alice's eyes fell to the sleeping baby in Remus' arms. "I'm not sure we have a choice…"
He wanted so desperately to stay in that room, to ignore whatever shitty orders Dumbledore had sent. He couldn't though. He knew Hagrid would be forced to rip Harry from his arms either way, and that wouldn't end well for anyone. Remus had no choice but to follow Alice downstairs, where everyone else was waiting.
"I'm sorry I 'ave ter do this," Hagrid said sincerely. It didn't stop Remus from being angry about it.
"Will you at least let us say goodbye?"
"Of course."
Hagrid stepped back, head bowed, as the rest of the room said their goodbyes to the last piece of James and Lily that they had.
"Goodbye Harry," Remus whispered, leaning down to kiss his forehead. "I'm sure we will meet again someday." He passed the baby to Alice, who already had tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Goodbye sweet boy," she said, clutching Harry against her chest. He was out so cold he barely stirred. "You are so loved." She told him. "Mama and Dada will always love you." She pressed shaky lips to the top of Harry's head. "We will always be here when you need us."
Frank gave Harry a kiss and suddenly, Alice was forced to hand him over, James and Lily's boy. Hagrid took Harry into his arms, looking like he was shedding a tear or two of his own.
"'He'll be safe," Hagrid promised them. "Dumbledore will make sure of it."
Remus would not see Harry again for twelve years.
Mary had a rare day off. No longer on call for The Order, she could spend her free time without worrying she might be called into action to help save the life of a friend. Today, with an empty house for the afternoon, she'd decided to embark upon a total clean, wiping down countertops and mopping the floors. She used magic to help her out, getting the job done much quicker than it would've been on her own.
Mary was just beginning her work on the second floor when the doorbell rang. She answered it wearing a paint-stained t-shirt with her hair held back by a yellow bandana. Perhaps, if she'd realized who would be waiting on her front step, she might have taken the time to change.
"I was hoping you'd be home…"
"You got lucky." Mary barely had enough time to catch her breath. "What're you doing here?"
"Patrick said…" her mother began, stopping short. Her brown eyes rose from the ground where they'd been planted, "I wanted to see you," she admitted. Mary had never expected to hear those words come out of her mother's mouth. She was in such a state of shock she willingly chose to let her into her home, a space Mary had vowed her mother would never step foot in.
They sat across from each other in the living room, a glass of lemonade before each of them. It took what felt like hours for her mother to finally break the silence.
"This is nice," she said, scanning the room, "this house."
"You don't have to lie."
"I'm not. I like it. Really." Mary found it difficult to believe there was anything in her life her mother wasn't desperate to critique.
She had assumed that the last time they'd set eyes upon each other, when Mary and Reg had come to move out Patrick, had truly been the end of whatever relationship they'd ever had. She knew that Patrick still called their mother on occasion, and chose to meet her for the rare dinner, but it was not a relationship Mary had any interest in salvaging.
"I brought pictures," her mother said, awkwardly clearing her throat, "of Teagan and Clara." She pulled a small envelope from her purse and handed it to Mary. There were her little sisters, all grown up. There were photos of them dressed in their school uniforms, sunbathing on the beach, Teagan on her sixth birthday blowing out the candles on her cake. They were all moments Mary had missed. She was sure there were plenty more to come. She wondered whether the girls could even remember her now...their big sister.
"Why're you here mum?"
"Patrick told me that you got engaged." Mary would give him a good slap over the head for that later.
"Yes."
"To Reginald?"
"Yes."
"I'm happy for you Mary, really I…I always worried that—"
"Are you still with Bobby?" Mary interrupted her. Why not just cut to the chase? If Bobby was still in the picture Mary had absolutely no interest in getting involved with her mother again.
"I...well…yes…"
"Then why are you here?" Her mother looked shocked by the harshness of her words and yet, anyone who knew Mary was well aware that she didn't beat around the bush.
"I wanted to see you, to tell you how proud I was—"
"Proud?" Mary gawked. "After all this time you came to tell me how proud you were?" Mary couldn't help but feel bitter about it. She'd waited sixteen years to hear her mother tell her she was proud, to give her any sort of affirmation, it was too late for that now.
"That's not true Mary, I've always been proud of you—"
"You treated me like something stuck to your shoe my whole life. You let your husband treat me like a dog for years and you just...stood by." Maybe her mother could forget the years of neglect but Mary couldn't. She couldn't erase the memory of Christmas holidays spent alone at Hogwarts, her friends all returned home to spend time with their families, or the birthday's that had gone unacknowledged, and the insults frequently thrown her way.
"You have to understand, for Bobby, your world doesn't come easily—"
"Do you think it was easy for me?" Mary snapped. "I was terrified and you...you treated me like I was some kind of freak…" Mary could still remember the way she'd felt when she first tore open her letter from Hogwarts. Suddenly it was real, she could no longer deny she was just as abnormal as her mother had always suspected...
"I did my best," her mother said, voice cracking. "I thought…" she stopped, tears filling her eyes. Mary couldn't help but feel a little guilty for causing her mother's pain as she turned away, lips trembling. For as long as she could remember she'd imagined this moment, finally giving her mother a piece of her mind, but it didn't feel quite as validating as she'd always hoped.
"I did what I could for you and Patrick," her mother said, head down. "I tried to protect you. I thought that marrying Bobby was the best choice for all of us, especially with the state things had gotten into with your father…" Mary could count on one hand how many times she'd heard her mother mention her father. "You think when you have children you'll just know but you don't. There's no guide book, Christ, I didn't even have a mother to help guide me but I just knew, when that midwife placed you in my arms for the very first time, you were the greatest thing I'd ever done."
Mary hadn't expected to grow emotional and yet, with those last words, she found tears rolling down her freckled cheeks. She could barely remember a time her mother had said the words 'I love you,' let alone tell her that she was one of her greatest accomplishments. Where had that been for twenty-one years? Why had she waited until now to tell her?
"That's all I ever wanted to hear you say," Mary admitted.
"There's a reason you never met your grandmother," her mother confessed. "She was a god, awful woman. I hated her. I left home the minute I turned sixteen and I never looked back, never sent home a postcard or a photograph of you kids. Back then I promised myself that I would do better. I would never make my daughter feel the way she had made me…" her voice trembled and for the first time in her life, Mary saw her mother breakdown.
She didn't know what to do, watching as she cried into her hands. It all seemed so useless now, all the anger and resentment she had pent up for years, what was it worth? Slowly, she moved onto the couch and slid across it, her arm coming to wrap around her mother. She curled into Mary and for a moment the distance between them disappeared.
"Promise me something Mary," her mother said, looking up with bleary eyes. "Promise me you'll do better, for both of us."
"I promise." It was an easy promise to make, perhaps a more difficult one for Mary to keep. She'd always told herself she was nothing like her mother and yet, it seemed the two had taken wildly similar paths.
"Oh Mary," her mother sighed, studying her face. "You were always so much better than me, better than all of us." She drew back, snuffling, "you'll do better, I know it." Mary kept waiting to wake up, certain she had to be dreaming, but the moment never came. Instead, she watched as her mother blew her nose and wiped under her eyes. Mary wondered whether Bobby had any clue where she'd come today…
"I should go," her mother said, rising from the couch abruptly. "I've already taken up so much of your time…" Mary had wanted to get rid of her mother the minute she opened the front door and yet now, she didn't want her to leave…
"Mum!" she stopped her just before she could exit the room. Rose looked over her shoulder with the same brown eyes as Mary. Maybe her story would end differently than her mother's. "Maybe we can do something the three of us," Mary suggested, "the next time you take Patrick out." Her mother's face brightened and for a second Mary thought she might be brought back to tears.
"Okay," she agreed, "that would be nice."
15 Years Later
Emmeline rang the doorbell and then stood back, half-considering turning around and running away. It was the same house with the blue shutters and the lavender garden out front. There was a mailbox with 'The Cattermoles' written across it in red ink, confirming that the house belonged to the same family. She half expected Patrick, the lanky sixteen-year-old boy she'd once known, to answer the door. It wasn't Patrick though. Instead, Emmeline stared down at a brown haired boy, his eyes round and curious.
"Simon!" a familiar voice rang from the back of the house. "Who is it?"
"I don't know!" The boy called back over his shoulder, not taking his eyes off of Emmeline.
"I'm Emmeline," she told him, kneeling down to bring herself to his eye level. "It's a pleasure to meet you." She stuck out her hand for him to shake and the boy took it with confidence. There was no mistaking who his mother was.
"I'm Simon," he replied just as his mother came up behind him. Mary was much as Emmeline remembered her, long brown hair, rosy cheeks, doe eyes. She looked at Emmeline as though she were a ghost, not even flinching when a little boy, with hair much fairer than Simon's, ran up behind her and clung to her leg.
"Up momma! Up!" He demanded.
"I brought these for you," Emmeline said, handing the bouquet of flowers she had been holding over to Mary. She had been expecting a tense reunion but the look in Mary's eyes was something Emmeline had not been prepared for. She didn't appear the slightest bit grateful to be reunited with her old friend, rather, Emmeline thought she had the look of a woman who had run into an ex-lover she had hoped to never see again.
"What're you doing here?" Mary finally asked, not shaking her look of horror.
"Sirius died," Emmeline announced, digging her heels into the ground. "I don't know if you heard?"
"Momma!" the little boy at Mary's feet repeated impatiently. Mary leaned down and scooped him up, despite the boy looking much too big to be carried by his mother anymore.
"I like your eyes," Simon said to Emmeline, filling the awkward silence.
"Thank you." Emmeline smiled warmly.
"Simon, take these," Mary said, thrusting the bouquet Emmeline had carefully chosen into her son's hands, "go show them to Willow."
"But Mum-" Simon began to protest.
"I'll just be a minute," Mary insisted. "Take your little brother with you!" She kissed the little boy's forehead before planting him back on his feet to chase after his big brother. Emmeline watched them go with a smile on her face before turning back to meet Mary's disapproving gaze.
"Fourteen years, you don't write, you don't visit, you could've been dead for all I knew," Mary stated harshly.
"I'm sorry…"
"What are you doing here Emmeline?" There was no joy in her tone at being reunited with her once best friend. Instead, Mary seemed irritated, angry almost, that Emmeline had appeared without any warning. Maybe showing up had been a bad idea...
"I just wanted to see you," Emmeline answered honestly. "I wanted to know that you were doing okay." She had run as far from her old life as possible but she'd never forgotten Mary. How could she? Mary had been like a sister to Emmeline at a time when she had been lonelier than she ever dared admit. It wasn't Mary's fault that things had become so hard…
"I'm great," Mary replied dryly. "I've got three wonderful kids, I have an amazing husband, a job that allows me to take weekend shifts so that I can spend time with my family. I've got a good life, now, is that it?" She took a step back in towards the house, looking ready to slam the door in Emmeline's face.
"He didn't do it, Mary," Emmeline blurted out.
"What?"
"Sirius, he didn't kill the Potters. It was Peter, he was the secret keeper and the spy, all along, right under our noses." Mary stared at her blankly. She didn't say a word, and for a second Emmeline wondered if perhaps this revelation could change everything, if maybe it would cause Mary to invite her in for a cup of tea, the two women might get down to chatting about their lives for the past fifteen years and the lives they'd once shared so closely.
"Does it matter? They're dead either way." Emmeline swallowed back a lump in her throat. No, she thought sadly, it wouldn't have mattered to her either if she were Mary, if she had never spent those final months with Sirius, reminding her of the life and friends she'd once held so dear.
Mary was watching her closely, the door still in her hands so that she could slam it shut at any moment. "Is that why you came?" she asked. "To tell me he was innocent?"
"I guess I thought…" Emmeline's eyes fell as she held back tears. "We're the last ones left, you, Remus and I, the only ones who understand what it was like."
"Dumbledore came here you know." Emmeline looked up, her mouth falling open. She hadn't known that… "He told me he was restarting the Order of the Phoenix, asked if I wanted to help again." There were tears in Mary's eyes now. Once upon a time it was Emmeline's arms she would have fallen into for comfort but those days were gone. "I suppose that's why you're back?"
"Yes," Emmeline admitted, biting her bottom lip.
"I'm glad you're doing okay," Mary told her stiffly, "but you can't come back here." That made the tears she'd been holding back so well spring to the surface. "I said my goodbyes to you and Remus fourteen years ago, I closed that door and I can't open it again, I can't do that to my family."
"Of course," Emmeline nodded, choking on her words. "Of course I...I understand."
"I'm sorry."
"You have n...nothing to apologize for…" Emmeline was seeing double as the tears in her eyes clouded her vision. She turned around and listened as Mary shut the door, likely returning to her children in the living room as Emmeline stumbled back down to the street, wiping tears from her cheeks. Fourteen years ago she had run away from her past, vowing never to touch that world again, and yet it seemed it was Mary, the one she had tried so hard to forget, that had managed to move on.
Sirius stepped into the flat with a paper bag full of groceries soaked from the rain. He shook himself off as though he were in his dog form, droplets dripping from the ends of his long, black hair. He was shocked when he stepped into the kitchen and found Marlene standing over the stove, cooking.
"Everything okay?" Marlene rarely cooked; she was quite awful at it.
"Just because I'm cooking doesn't mean I'm losing it," she reminded him, rolling her eyes. "It's only pasta."
"I trust you." He was already thinking about the takeout they might order when the meal went down hill. He slowly started unpacking his bag of groceries, laying the goods out on the kitchen table, until he felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind. Now he knew something was up.
"Seriously," he said, turning around to face her, "what's up with you today?" she wasn't quite meeting his glance. "Marls?"
"I have to tell you something," she finally spilt, making his stomach drop.
"Okay…" the anxious look on her face was not reassuring in the slightest. Sirius waited, holding his breath, for whatever was to come out of her mouth next.
"Don't freak out," she warned him, her blue eyes rising slowly from the ground.
"Merlin, I feel like I need a shot of whiskey for this."
"You might."
"Just hit me with it." At this point, he just wanted it over with.
"I'm pregnant." The words didn't quite register.
"You're…wow." Sirius was in such a state of shock he almost had the nerve to ask her who the father was.
"You're freaking out aren't you?" She panicked, stepping back to study his face. "Shit, I knew I shouldn't have done it like this…" her pasta water was bubbling over and she turned back towards the stove to deal with it, leaving Sirius alone with his thoughts.
A baby. A real, live, baby, with ten fingers, ten toes, and half his DNA. They'd discussed it before, sure, in a half-serious, far in the future sort of way but this was real. This was an impending reality they would both be forced to face. Sirius slowly lowered into one of the kitchen chairs.
"Are you figuring out your exit strategy?" Marlene asked him sometime later. There were two plates of pasta sitting before them but neither dared eat. Sirius had been lost in his thoughts, imagining himself changing nappies and swinging a baby around with the same level of enthusiasm as James. The thing was, he was nothing like James, not close, and he never would be.
"Please say something," Marlene begged, reaching for his hand across the table. He looked towards her, her face tense with fear. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her look so scared. "We have options you know, no one would have to know."
"You mean getting rid of it?"
"It's not like either of us wanted this to happen so soon," Marlene shrugged, "and why should we trap ourselves? I mean, I don't even know if I want to be a mother—"
"You were made to be a mother," Sirius told her certainly. "You're the living, breathing embodiment of Caroline Potter." They both knew it was true. Marlene was the most maternal in the group; Sirius couldn't imagine she would go her whole life and never raise a child with the same warmth that had enveloped the Potter home throughout their youth.
"That doesn't mean we have to do it right now…"
"Come here." Sirius pushed back his chair so that Marlene could curl into his lap, her arms looping behind his neck. He pictured the tiny life inside of her, the one they'd made together…
"What if we kept it?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. He had his face nuzzled in her neck but she pulled away immediately, staring at him like he was a mad man.
"What? Is it that crazy?"
"I mean…yeah…a little bit…"
"We have friends with babies, Harry could have a cousin to grow up with, like you and James."
Marlene was stiff with shock. Sirius couldn't blame her. They'd never been conventional and most of that had been due to him. He had struggled to commit, struggled to admit his true feelings, and he had always made it very clear a family was not in his cards. He hadn't imagined any of this to be in his cards until he had settled down with Marlene. Suddenly, it didn't seem that crazy, Sirius having a family of his own, a family that could be better than the one he'd been given…
"You realize there are no take backs?" Marlene told him. "Once we have a baby—"
"I know what having a baby means."
"Sirius we don't even have a spare bedroom!"
"We'll find a bigger place."
"You love this flat," Marlene frowned. "It's your bachelor pad—"
"I don't need a bachelor pad anymore." He held her a little closer. "We could get a house, we have the money for it. We could get rid of all my furniture that you hate."
"This is crazy."
"Do you trust me?" Sirius asked.
"Of course." She caressed his cheek, a smile slowly spreading across her own face.
"I love you," he reminded her, "you're the only person I would ever want to do this with."
"James and Lily are going to freak."
"Your mother is going to freak."
Marlene laughed, tears twinkling in her blue eyes. "I love you," she said, leaning in slowly to kiss him. Sirius closed his eyes and waited for the feeling of her lips brushing against his own but it never came. Instead, he opened his eyes and saw the grimy, stonewall he was facing, his neck aching from sleeping on the hard ground.
He shivered and rolled over to see a Dementor floating right in of his cell. He turned back towards the wall, curling up into a ball to try and preserve some of his warmth. He'd been dreaming, of course, he did that a lot with little else to occupy his mind. Sometimes he and Marlene had a house full of children, sometimes he and James were sharing a drink in the bar, others he was watching Harry off on the platform at King's Cross station for his first year at Hogwarts.
In every dream his friends were alive, they were happy, and he was not considered to be a mass murderer. Sirius pulled himself up, leaning against the wall so he might get a better view out of his pinhole of a window. The sun was rising; reflecting upon the lake Azkaban was situated in the middle of. It was the kind of morning he might have appreciated years ago…before he had lost everything that mattered to him. When a future with Marlene had been possible before she had been tied to a chair and tortured to death. He winced at the memory.
He wondered what she'd think of him now; it was how he tortured himself most days. She would never forgive him, Sirius knew, for allowing harm to come to the Potters. He had failed to protect James and Lily, failed to protect his own godson, he had failed to protect her…
He closed his eyes, trying to block out all the memories that came flooding forth. His stomach grumbled but he knew it would be another hour at least before breakfast was brought around, and even that would do little to curb the rumbling in his stomach.
"…As you see Minister, the Dementors keep the prisoners in check, many of the prisoners spend most of the day sleeping…" Sirius could hear voices from a distance. It was rare to hear anything other than the manic screams of his fellow prisoners, many of whom could be heard still professing their love to the Dark Lord. Sirius hated to be associated with them…
"Very well, very well," another voice could be heard, moving closer to Sirius' cell. "And are the facilities kept in good order?"
"Oh yes sir, very clean. This lot receives better treatment than they deserve." Not bloody likely Sirius thought to himself. The footsteps grew closer to his cell until he looked over and there was the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, standing in front of Sirius' cell with another man by his side.
"Good morning Minister," Sirius greeted him like an old friend. He looked shocked by Sirius' polite manner, in much contrast to his fellow prisoners.
"G…good morning," he stumbled over his words, clutching the newspaper in his hand against his chest as though it were a shield.
"This is Sirius Black," he heard the man beside Fudge whisper, "the one who killed Peter Pettigrew—"
"Oh, I'm quite aware of who he is," Fudge nodded, not taking his eyes off Sirius. "I was the first on the scene of his crime." My crime, Sirius wanted to laugh, you fools…
"Is that the Daily Prophet you have there?" Sirius asked, pointing towards the paper in Fudge's hands.
"Yes…"
"Any chance you'd be so kind as to let me read it?" Sirius couldn't remember the last time he'd been able to read anything. If he was looking for a good distraction it seemed this was it. Fudge looked anxiously towards the man beside him, who shrugged and then nodded his head.
"Fine," he agreed, sliding the paper through the bars so it fell on the floor of Sirius' cell.
"Thank you." Fudge appeared unnerved by Sirius' relatively normal manner. Perhaps he had expected to find a raving mad man, like many of the others Azkaban held, but he would not be so lucky. If Sirius knew one thing for certain it was that he was not a murderer, never had been, even if he wasn't innocent in the murder of his closest friends…
The Minister moved along after that, and Sirius reached for the paper that had been left on the ground. July 20th, 1993, read the date across the top. He flipped through it, eating up each article, as he never had before.
Grand Prize Winner Visits Egypt! Read the heading on one page. Below it was a picture of a rather large family of redheads, waving at the camera joyously. It took Sirius a moment to recognize the woman in the middle of the group, plump with curly red hair, there was Molly Prewett, Weasley now he supposed, waving right at him. Her children, who had all been under ten the last time Sirius had seen them, surrounded her, much taller than she was. In the centre was a boy, one of the youngest, with a rat clutched in his hand as he waved at the camera, grinning broadly.
Sirius almost turned the page before pausing to look more closely at the photograph. He sat there, not even looking up when his tray of breakfast was slid into the cell. He didn't notice when the sun finally came out or when a Dementor floated before his cell, sending shivers down his spine. He could focus only on the rat in the picture, the one he would've recognized anywhere. Something stirred within Sirius for the first time in twelve years that morning: hope.
