It was a Sunday morning. Marlene woke up before Sirius (as she often did) and rolled out of bed to make some breakfast. She'd decided only last night that she would surprise Sirius with a full English breakfast in the morning. Mornings together were rare when they were apart for days, always working with contrasting schedules. With the Order reunited, Dumbledore had been working them all twice as hard. The rules were stricter, the secrecy within the group increased. Marlene and Sirius were not even permitted to share details of their work with each other, despite being a live-in couple, because Dumbledore had insisted everyone on the team sign a form stating that they would not disclose their movements to anyone unless given explicit permission to.
Not that Marlene had much to report on these days. She had been benched for the week after getting a nasty blow to the abdomen while on a mission with Kingsley and Emmeline. They had been conducting searches of a few different warehouses there'd been "suspicious activity" reported around. Inside one of them, they were ambushed by a group of Death Eaters. The three of them still managed to win — despite being outnumbered — and Marlene had even managed to hit one with a particularly powerful hex that, if aimed just right, broke your opponent's nose at an agonizing angle. It was just after this triumph that Marlene was hit with a stunning spell that sent her flying into the back wall, breaking two of her ribs.
"No more fighting," had been Mary's orders when she examined Marlene the next morning. "At least for the next week." For Marlene, a week of bed rest and inaction felt more like a life punishment.
She was humming mindlessly, scrambling eggs in one pan while bacon sizzled in the other when Sirius stepped into the kitchen. He moved around silently for a while (always grumpy in the mornings) but began to speak once he'd had his first sip of coffee.
"What's on the agenda for the day?"
"Not much. I promised Amy I'd come over for dinner this evening."
"Isn't she supposed to be in France?"
"She was, yeah, but this baby has had her sick as a dog as she didn't feel up to the trip. Franny and Alex went without her."
"Poor girl."
Marlene knew her sister had been miserable the past few days. She never liked to be parted from her daughter and she liked having bad morning sickness even less. She'd been writing to Marlene frequently, begging her to come over and keep her company now that she was alone at home too, recovering from her injuries. Marlene had been avoiding going over to her family's house. She knew Amy would only want to talk about the baby, and the new home she and Alex had built, which was going to be ready to live in any day now. On top of that, going over meant seeing her mother who was still rather anxious about Marlene being so far away when she felt they were all in "grave danger."
"Am I expected at this dinner?"
"I wouldn't force you to endure such torture."
Sirius laughed. "You know I enjoy spending time with your family."
"You're a terrible liar." Marlene knew Sirius didn't mind her family but they were nothing close to the Potters. Her mother could be cold and abrasive, her father quiet, and Danny was rarely around these days, always working. The only people Sirius had really bonded with were Alex and Amy, but with Alex away Marlene doubted he'd enjoy this dinner very much.
"I actually got your mother to laugh at a joke the last time we were over," Sirius reminded her, "I'm making progress."
"I know you are." Marlene divided their food onto two plates, carrying them over to the kitchen table. Sirius had already poured her a cup of coffee, added the appropriate amount of milk and left it sitting in front of her usual seat. Marlene tapped the cup with her wand to get it to the right temperature.
"Hey," she said, grabbing his attention, "do you ever imagine what bringing me to one of your family dinners would've looked like?"
Sirius scoffed. "You wouldn't have made it out alive."
"What little faith you have in me."
"More like in my mother. She would've screamed in horror when she realized her son was sleeping with a blood traitor. Can you imagine the children? It would be an abomination!" Sirius feigned outrage, making Marlene smile.
"I can imagine them," she teased, "they're adorable."
"Is this the part where you tell me you're pregnant?" Marlene rolled her eyes, still smiling.
"Of course not. There'll be no babies for quite a while."
"Okay," Sirius nodded. Then he stopped and gave her a funny look. "Not too long though."
"Has Harry managed to make you broody?"
"Maybe," Sirius shrugged, "but mostly I'd just like to see these adorable babies for myself."
Merlin, how she loved him when he talked like that. Nothing got Marlene's heart rate going like Sirius mentioning the future, their future. Three years they'd been together, nearly a year living in the same flat, and things only seemed to be getting better. They had settled into a routine and found comfort in it. Marlene didn't wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares so often anymore, not with Sirius sleeping beside her in bed. He didn't seem quite so afraid to be happy either.
They made love after breakfast. Sirius made a joke about them getting practice in, making babies, and it was the first time since Marlene's injury she felt up to it. He was gentle, careful to make sure she was comfortable. He kissed her behind the ear and around her collarbone and then he slipped inside of her and moved slowly at first until she insisted he go harder.
They fell asleep again after that, naked, limbs tangled together, Marlene's head rested on his chest. When she woke up he was gone, a note left behind on his pillow.
I've gone to meet Peter for lunch. See you later tonight. X
Since moving back in with Mary, Emmeline had become somewhat of a "cool auntie" to Patrick. Where Mary worried about his health and safety, Emmeline was more lenient, more willing to make exceptions. Mary, who worked long hours and was often out of the house, was not aware that Patrick sometimes got Emmeline to charm his ID to make him appear older or that, on occasion, she picked up alcohol for him and his friends. He particularly enjoyed when she gifted him with things from the Wizarding world that his other friends could not obtain and made him look cool.
On this particular afternoon, while both Reg and Mary were at work, Patrick came to Emmeline with a special request.
"Teach me how to roll a joint," he asked. Emmeline was sitting at the kitchen table, smoking one of her hand rolled cigarettes. She looked from it to Patrick, arching her eyebrow.
"Your sister will kill me."
"She doesn't need to know," Patrick shrugged. They'd become good at keeping each other's secrets. Emmeline didn't tell Mary about Patrick's partying and he didn't tell his sister about the stash of alcohol Emmeline kept in her bedroom.
She closed the book she'd been reading, pushing it aside. "Do you have weed?" Patrick nodded enthusiastically. "Okay, fine, but if she asks, you didn't learn it from me."
"Deal."
The doorbell rang before Patrick had the chance to grab his drugs. Emmeline answered it, finding Marlene standing on the front step, hands behind her back.
"What?" Emmeline asked, slightly panicked by her unexpected arrival. Had something bad happened?
"Nothing," Marlene assured her, smiling to quell Emmeline's worries. "I just thought I'd drop by and see how you were getting along. Is Mary at work?"
"Yeah."
"What're you up to?"
Emmeline smiled sheepishly. "Well, that's a funny story you see. I'm going to teach Patrick how to roll the perfect joint."
Marlene laughed. "Are you serious?"
"Oh yeah. I mean, if I'm going to be a terrible influence I might as well just commit to it." Patrick, who had gone up stairs and retrieved his pot while the two of them were talking, reemerged, holding the bag behind his back looking entirely suspicious.
"Come on Patty. It was Marlene who taught me to roll my first joint if anyone can teach you it's her."
The three of them sat around the kitchen table. "I'm still not entirely sure I agree with this," Marlene said once they had layen out the goods.
"Good thing we all know you have terrible morals," Emmeline teased her. Marlene stuck her tongue out and scowled.
"Who taught you, Mar?" Emmeline asked as Patrick ground up the weed.
"James, of course. I believe Sirius taught him, and who knows who that boy learned from." Emmeline pictured Bellatrix Lestrange leaning over a table in a dark room, black curls spilling forth, instructing her young cousin on how best to ingest drugs.
Marlene talked Patrick through every step as she went through the motions, his eyes following her fingers closely. Emmeline still remembered when she had been the student, the pair of them sitting on Marlene's bed in the dormitory. They'd used Emmeline's Transfiguration textbook as a surface. Once Emmeline was able to roll anything half decent they smoked it out the window to celebrate, charming the room to prevent the smell from travelling beyond the door. It was a happy memory.
Patrick was a much faster learner than Emmeline had been (she wondered whether this was his first lesson). He was proud when he finally held up his finished product, Emmeline and Marlene showering him in applause. He took his joint and informed both girls he was off to the beach with his friends and thanked them for their help. Luckily, Marlene's masterpiece was left behind.
"Should we?" Emmeline asked, nudging her head towards the joint between them. Patrick had just left, beach towel tucked under one arm, Emmeline yelling after him to remember sunscreen as he shut the door behind himself.
"What if Mary comes home? Or Reg?" Marlene made a funny face. "I can't imagine Reg has ever so much as touched a joint."
"You'd be surprised," Emmeline shrugged. "Anyway, they won't be home for a few hours now. Where's your sense of adventure gone, McKinnon?"
Marlene laughed. "You are a terrible influence, aren't you?" Of course, she did agree, eventually. They sat outside on the back deck, soaking in the warm, mid-afternoon sun. Emmeline loved summer.
"How have you been spending your time off?"
"Bored," Marlene confessed. "It's agonizing watching Sirius head out on missions while I'm trapped at home feeling useless."
"It is only a week you know, your time's nearly up."
"It feels like a punishment."
"I think you've become an adrenaline junkie."
"I can't argue with that," Marlene admitted. Emmeline knew exactly what she meant. Anytime away from the Order felt wasted. When you were fighting for the resistance there was no such thing as a day off.
"How has this been?" Marlene asked, motioning towards the house. "Living with Mary and Reg."
"Honestly? It's been awful."
"Oh dear."
"I love Mary, I do, but staying here feels like I'm living at home with my mum and dad. I stash my alcohol away in my room, I sneak in and out of the house at night. The other day she came into my room while I was out and did my bloody laundry."
"I wish Sirius was that thoughtful of a roommate," Marlene scoffed.
"I feel like Mary is five years ahead of me and I'm still exactly where I was three years ago." Emmeline found it increasingly difficult to escape the feeling that she was stuck in limbo, watching everyone else in her life move forward. Mary was soon to be married, building her home with Reg, Lily and Alice had babies, Marlene and Sirius were in a serious, committed relationship. What had changed in her life?
"I don't think it's a bad idea to start looking for someplace new, something that's just yours."
"Alone," Emmeline sighed. "It seems I'm always alone."
"You're not." Marlene reached across the table for Emmeline's hand. "You've got me."
"That's sweet, but we both know it's not entirely true." Marlene frowned. "You have Sirius, you have a home of your own and a person to come home to every night."
"You'll have that too," Marlene promised as if she could see the future. "Trust me."
"I hate when you do that."
"Do what?"
"Pretend like you know everything is going to be okay."
Marlene grinned. "It's going to be more than okay," she said, making Emmeline roll her eyes. "I'm sure of it."
Marlene returned home still mildly stoned and quickly fell asleep (despite promising herself she wouldn't). By the time she woke up, it was ten to nine and she was two hours late for dinner. Her mother would be furious, and likely worrying about where she was. Marlene was surprised she hadn't come banging down the door already.
The apartment was dark, which meant Sirius wasn't home yet. Marlene grabbed a sweater from the closet (technically a shared space but Sirius had given up on trying to hang more than a few shirts in there) and reached for the notepad on the desk, the same one Sirius had used earlier that day.
It was strange, Marlene thought as she left the apartment, that Sirius would be gone this long. As she turned down the alley behind their building she made a mental note to come home early, just to make sure he was there and everything was all right. Though, it was most likely that he'd gone to James and Lily's for dinner. He was always over there when he knew Marlene would be out.
Marlene landed in the usual spot, at the top of her family's road. It was dark out and she needed to use the light from the end of her wand to guide her way. Her stomach rumbled. She was starving. Dinner was probably cold but she knew Raffi would warm up whatever leftovers they had for Marlene. She hoped it was roast beef. There was nothing better than Raffi's roast beef dinner.
The lights were on. She moved forth, unassuming, guard down, and swung open the front door without knocking. Marlene tucked her wand into the back pocket of her jeans, breathing in deeply as she crossed the threshold, expecting the smell of dinner. That wasn't what she found, though. It took about five seconds for her to realize that something was wrong. It was first the utter silence of the house and then, the sight of Amy, her body strewn across the stairs.
Marlene screamed, instinctively, hand covering her mouth. The next thing she knew her wand flung out of her back pocket and went flying across the room. Someone in Death Eater robes came from around the corner, stepping out of the kitchen. They were masked, their wand pointed at Marlene's chest as they moved forward slowly.
"Don't even think about it," they said, noticing Marlene reaching behind her back for the door knob. It was a man, his voice deep and gravelly. Marlene froze, her back up against the door, her eyes shifting between the Death Eater in front of her and her sister's motionless body. Some small part of her still held out hope that Amy was only unconscious, not dead. Two more people with identical robes and masks appeared at the shoulders of Marlene's attacker.
"Finally," one of them said, her voice softer than the man's. She had her brown hair in a long french braid that Marlene could see when she turned her head. "I was beginning to think she wouldn't show."
"Come on, Evan," the third Death Eater said, sounding impatient. "Let's get this finished with before it's too late."
"Patience," Evan, the Death Eater at the head of the three, said, holding up his hand. "We're going to have a little fun first."
He began to move closer to Marlene, who was still pressed back against the door as far as she could get. "You're a pretty one, aren't you?" He took her face in his hands, turning it from side to side to get a better look at her. "It's a shame, really, letting all this beauty go to waste."
"Oh hurry up, Evan," the woman snapped, "we don't have time for your flirting." Evan, who was close enough to Marlene that she could see his blue eyes through the mask, took her by the shoulders and shoved her in the direction of the living room. Marlene stumbled, his wand pressed into her back.
She staggered when she entered the room, turning her head away from the horrific scene. It was her parents, lying on the living room floor. She was going to be sick. It didn't matter how many bodies Marlene had seen, how many deaths she had witnessed, the image of her parents lying dead on their living room floor made her sick to her stomach.
"Look at them," Evan commanded. When Marlene refused to turn her head one of them used a charm that forced her neck to turn at a painful speed. She was stuck, no way to look away unless she closed her eyes.
Her mother was in the collared navy dress she always wore in the summer. Her father had on his striped button down shirt, the one Danny had bought him for Christmas two years ago. There was a pool of blood by her mother's head. Someone must've hit her over the head, hard, perhaps it had taken only one blow to kill her. Marlene hoped her death had been that quick.
"How does it feel?" It was the female witch who asked. She was right behind Marlene, whispering in her ear. Her breath stunk of alcohol. "They're dead. All of them. Even your little house elf. He begged for mercy in the end, practically offered us his soul if it meant he could live." Marlene tried her best not to imagine Raffi, terrified, pleading with murderers not to kill him. He deserved a better death than that.
Marlene's neck was released and she inhaled deeply, dropping her head forward. The pain had been unbearable, though it was nothing compared to what she felt knowing that her entire family was dead and she was soon to follow. She turned around, facing the three of them, all watching her closely, wands at the ready.
"Very brave," she managed to say, shaking, "three against one."
"Get on your knees," ordered the woman, pressing her wand into Marlene's throat. She did as she was told. There was no point in fighting them. She had no wand to defend herself and even if she could get her hands on one of them, there were three of them and only one of her. She was outnumbered, vulnerable, and in shock. She couldn't seem to stop her hands from trembling so she clasped them tightly together, holding them behind her back.
Marlene closed her eyes and thought of better days. Running through the cornfields with Amy and Danny. The summer she and James insisted they celebrate their birthday on the same day and share a party. They'd been holding hands as they blew the candles out. Alec had snapped a photo of them. Oh, James, I love you, Marlene thought, wishing she could send the message to him telepathically. You're going to be okay.
She pictured his life because it made her feel better to know that while this might be the end for her, he would be okay. He would still be happy. The war would end and he and Lily would buy a new house, some place with more rooms, and fill it up with kids. James would become an Auror, just like his parents, just as he'd always insisted he wouldn't. Perhaps Lily would join, maybe she'd do something different, aid in the transition into the wizarding world for young muggles. Marlene imagined Harry growing tall, taller than James. He was going to make a talented Quidditch player, Marlene could see that already.
What about Sirius though? What would become of him once she was gone? She wished now that she hadn't fallen asleep that morning. She wished she had forced her eyes open and memorized everything about him. His hair, nearly at his shoulders, his piercing grey eyes, the scar on his right arm, the feeling of his lips moving against her own. She would never get the chance to tell him now how he had saved her. How she had felt as though she had nothing left after her incident in Paris, when she had returned home broken, and he had crawled through her bedroom window and taken her back, despite everything.
You loved me well, you loved me better than I deserved. I love you. They hadn't said it enough, not nearly, but they hadn't had much time, had they? Not enough. Not what their story deserved.
"Open your eyes," the other male Death Eater demanded. Marlene had expected to be dead already. She'd been waiting for that fatal blow but they had yet to deliver it.
The three of them had stepped back, all standing near the doorway, but a fourth person had arrived. He wasn't in Death Eater robes though, nor was he masked. He wore a simple grey t-shirt, with a small stain near the collar, and faded blue jeans. It was his shoes though, worn out grey runners, that Marlene recognized first. Her eyes rose slowly up his body, towards his round face, widening when she realized who it was standing before her.
"Peter?" For a second she thought he had been captured as well. They'd brought him here, one of Marlene's oldest friends, to murder him before her eyes. That was before she realized that unlike her, he had his wand, and held it tightly in his right hand. Marlene felt a lump form in the back of her throat. Could Peter, quiet, timid, Peter, really be capable of such evil?
"Surprise," he said. His voice did not carry the same confidence as the others. Where they spoke to Marlene with utter contempt, there was something much rawer in Peter's voice. She looked into his brown eyes, the same eyes she'd stared into a thousand times before, and realized she had figured out who the spy was.
"How long?" Marlene's stomach was in knots. She wished they'd killed her before she'd had to see this before she'd known that one of her closest friends was a traitor who had orchestrated the murder of her entire family.
"You all thought I was some kind of idiot," Peter shrugged, Marlene could see his wand hand shaking at his side. "It made it all too easy."
"That's not true."
"Oh please, don't bother lying. Not now."
"How could you do this to them after everything they've done for you?" Her voice trembled. "How could you do this to James?"
"James only ever pitied me," Peter told her, "he never saw me as an equal."
"He saw you as a friend, as a brother!" Marlene insisted.
"Not me," Peter scowled. "Sirius perhaps, even Remus, but never me. I was the idiot who sat in the corner. I was a punchline for them."
"You're delusional." Marlene wanted to plug her ears. She wanted to run out of the room and go straight to the Potter's cottage so that she could tell James everything so that everyone would know what a coward Peter was.
"Are you proud of what you've become, Peter? Do you think your family will be?" she asked, trying to get under his skin. Something in Peter's face changed. He lifted his wand and pointed it at Marlene, hitting her with a curse that made it feel like she'd been smacked across the face with a giant rock. She spit out a mouthful of blood.
"Do you know why I'm doing this?" he asked, crouching before her.
"Because you're a coward," she said, hoping the word stung.
"Because you murdered the love of my life." That, Marlene, had not seen coming.
"What are you talking about?"
"Aldora!" Peter bellowed, catching Marlene off guard.
"You're wrong," she told him, shaking her head, "I didn't even know Aldora was dead—"
"You smashed her head in with a brick," the female Death Eater hissed from behind Peter, "do you remember that? Stupid bitch." That's when it all made sense.
"I can't quite place it," Sirius had said time and time again, "but I swear I've met Aldora before."
They joked that he'd probably made a pass on her at some point. Never in a million years had they suspected it might have something to do with her Death Eater ties.
"Peter…"
"Are you going to tell me you're sorry?" he sneered. "As if an apology will bring my girlfriend back from the dead."
"I am sorry," Marlene told him, earnestly. "I'm sorry that I hurt you." Now it was Peter's turn to be surprised. He stood up, taking a step back, watching her as though waiting for her to correct herself but she never did. She did mean it, the apology, even if Peter had done terrible, evil things, because no matter what, he had been her friend and she would've never done anything to hurt him.
"You're an idiot," the woman seethed, stepping forward. "He's been working for us all along you see. Ever since the attack in Hogsmeade." At first, Marlene could not understand what the woman was talking about. There had been no attack in Hogsmeade, not recently, not since…
"Peter?" Her face fell. Peter wasn't quite looking at her anymore. "Was it you?" Tears gathered behind her eyes. "Did you burn down Donovan's?"
"No," Peter said, his voice sounding smaller than it had before.
"Oh, don't be modest, Peter," the woman said, placing a hand on Peter's shoulder. "If it weren't for you we'd have never known about those weekly meetings or the fact that a prominent member of the resistance was living above the bar." Now Marlene was really going to be sick. Henry. Henry lived above the bar, in his cosy one room apartment with the tap that leaked and the shower that never seemed to have hot water for longer than ten minutes.
"Why?" Marlene demanded, staring at Peter, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Why would you do that?"
"I did you a favour," Peter shrugged, still averting her gaze. "If Henry hadn't gotten out of the way you never would have ended up with Sirius."
She lost it after that. Marlene lunged at him, hands reaching for his neck, but before she could reach Peter her body froze, crumpling to the ground in unbelievable pain. She recognized it, the burn within her, the feeling that every bone in her body was about to break. They held her under the Cruciatus curse for what felt like hours and when she was finally released, Marlene was lying on the floor, her cheek pressed into the carpet, panting, the ends of her hair lying in her own vomit.
"Get up," the woman demanded. "Get up, you lazy blood traitor." She grabbed a handful of Marlene's hair and yanked her head back so that she yelped in pain. "On — your — knees."
It took every ounce of strength Marlene had left to get onto her knees, wobbling. She felt lightheaded like she might pass out at any moment. Peter was still standing in front of her, wiping the sweat off his brow, not carrying himself with the same righteousness he had before.
"Do you remember when you guys finally figured out how to transform into Animagi?" Marlene asked. Her voice was strained and hoarse from all the pain she had been under but she pushed through it to finish her story. "You were so humiliated to be a rat. You couldn't believe it, James got to be a stag and Sirius a dog and you were a stupid little rat." Peter was staring at her now, his eyes rounded and sad. Perhaps he could still feel some remorse for his actions. "I reminded you how crucial you were, being the smallest. How it meant you could move around more easily than the other two, you could listen and observe without being noticed. I told you yours was the most powerful transformation of them all. Do you remember?"
Peter nodded. "I remember."
"Well, I was wrong," Marlene said, taking a deep breath. "There's nothing special about you, Peter." His mouth fell in shock. "You are just as weak and cowardly as you always feared you were and I was a fool to ever believe otherwise." The entire room seemed to go silent and for a moment time stopped. It was just Marlene and Peter, staring each other down, Marlene's muscles aching with pain.
"He doesn't love you, you know," Peter said in retaliation, his face losing all warmth. "He told me."
"Sirius wouldn't tell you shit."
"He told me you'd be here tonight." Marlene's stomach sank. I've gone to meet Peter for lunch. See you later tonight. If she had stayed awake, if she'd begged him to spend the afternoon with her, if she had convinced Sirius to cancel his plans and stay in bed all day, her family would still be alive. She'd be sitting at the dining room table, arguing with her parents about politics, discussing baby names with Amy, asking Danny about the mystery girl he'd been seeing at work. How differently her day might've gone if she'd just kept her bloody eyes open.
"Any last words?" Peter asked, his wand aimed at Marlene's chest. What was left to say? Nothing worth uttering out loud to this lot. Marlene shook her head, staring Peter dead in the eye.
Keep them safe, if there is anyone out there listening please, for the love of Merlin, protect them. All of them. Peter knew everything. He could send Voldemort to the Potters' in a heartbeat if he wanted to. He could see through the murder of everyone Marlene loved. All the sacrifice and the pain would be for nothing.
Not James, please don't let any harm come to James—
Lunch with Peter had been followed up by drinks with Peter and then when both men were sufficiently drunk, Peter had suggested Sirius finally go and make amends with Remus. "For the good of the Order," he had said, "and for James." Sirius had agreed. The two parted ways and instead of going home, Sirius apperated to Brighton, just around the corner from Alice and Frank's house. He made it all the way to their front door but when the moment of truth arrived he chickened out.
There was no way Remus would be happy to see him. Even at Order meetings, he did his best never to make eye contact or say more than was required to either Sirius or Marlene. He hated them. He was convinced that they had played a role in Dorcas' murder, he called Marlene a liar. To be perfectly honest, Sirius still hadn't stopped being suspicious of Remus himself. Perhaps all his finger pointing was done just to shift the blame off of him… though Sirius knew that was likely just his pride talking.
He didn't knock. He turned around and walked back towards the sea, preferring the quiet to a tense and acrimonious conversation. The sun was setting on the horizon. It was quarter to nine. Sirius stayed there and enjoyed the view, the darkening sky, and the reflection of colour upon the sea. He would talk to Remus, eventually, just not today. Today was too good to ruin.
Sirius reflected on his morning with Marlene. They were becoming more and more comfortable discussing their future, and the idea of children more specifically. There'd been a time when the thought had terrified Sirius. The idea of passing on his DNA, even his last name, was not a happy one but it was something he could imagine, something he could handle if he did it with Marlene. If he got to watch her become a mother.
He would be lying if he said he'd never pictured it: Marlene holding their child, singing lullabies to help them fall asleep, kissing the top of their head before she lay them down to bed every night. She would make a wonderful mother that much was certain. The only thing in question was his ability as a parent. Could Sirius Black really raise a child? He hadn't the faintest idea how to do such a thing, especially not after his own upbringing.
It was late now and Sirius' stomach was rumbling. He found a chip shop by the water and apparated home to eat his food. He listened to the radio while he ate, listening for any updates, or names he recognized on the missing person list that was read out at the end of every broadcast. Afterwards, with what little energy he had left, Sirius tied up, cleaning their dishes from breakfast and taking out the garbage for early morning pick up. Marlene would be so happy when she came home and realized he'd cleaned. It didn't happen very often but Sirius was in a good mood.
He found her note in the bedroom, lying on his pillow.
Don't wait up; I'll wake you when I'm home.
Love you. X
He left the note on the bedside table, resting his eyes for what he told himself would be "just a moment" and was soon fast asleep.
X
Sirius stirred to the sight of Marlene, standing at the end of the bed. She wasn't facing him, turned towards the window instead, her profile hidden behind her hair.
"When did you get in?" he mumbled, his eyes only half open. He'd fallen asleep on top of the covers, still wearing his clothes from the day.
"I haven't," she replied ominously, making him roll his eyes.
"Come to bed then, why don't you?" He stretched his hand out, reaching for her, but she didn't turn.
"Thank you," she said.
"What are you on about?"
"You loved me so well, better than I deserved."
"You're starting to freak me out, Marls."
"I love you." Marlene turned around to face him. It was then that Sirius saw she was wearing her red party dress. It was his favourite dress of hers, one she'd owned since their school days. He always suggested it when she asked him what she should wear, even when it wasn't event appropriate.
"Marlene?" His voice filled with fear, like a child speaking to the monster under their bed.
"Please, don't let any harm come to James," she begged, her eyes filling with tears. "Please."
"What's happening?" Sirius climbed out of bed.
"I love you," she said again and by the time he reached her she was gone.
He stood there, in the same spot she'd occupied only a few seconds ago, his heart pounding in his ears. Sirius wanted to convince himself it was just a dream, only a strange, hallucination, but something felt wrong. For starters, it was nearly two in the morning and Marlene still had not returned home. Any other night Sirius might have assumed she'd been too tried to make the journey back and fallen asleep on the couch at her parent's place but this did not feel like any other night.
He didn't bother changing. He barely remembered to put on his shoes before flying out the front door and around the corner. He hated apparating, he did it even less now that he had his bike to get him places, but tonight he didn't care. He would've endured all kinds of torture to reach Marlene and make sure she was okay.
He landed at the end of the McKinnons' road and for a moment, was reassured that all was well. It was as dark and peaceful as it always had been, except, Sirius realized he could hear voices coming from around the bend, closer to the house. He stepped forward, reaching for his wand, and then he saw it. Green and blazing in the sky, the dark mark.
He was frozen, his eyes glued to the sky, his heart racing. She had gone to her family's house for dinner, she was safe, this was supposed to be one of the few nights he could rest assured she was safe. Sirius raced forward, kicking up dirt behind him as he ran, reaching the front of the house only to find it surrounded by Aurors.
Alastor Moody was speaking to two wizards he did not recognize a few feet away, Alice and Frank were standing, arms wrapped around each other, near the front door, which was hanging off its hinges. Alice saw him first. Her eyes widened.
"Sirius…"
"What's happened?"
"There was an attack," Alice tried to explain, wiping tears from her cheeks. "Oh, Sirius…I don't think you should see this..."
He stepped forward. "See what?" It was silly to ask. He'd seen a thousand scenes just like this; families murdered in their sleep, children left butchered on their bedroom floors because their blood was not considered "pure" enough. He was naïve to think that this scene would be any different.
"Maybe we should talk first," Frank suggested, stepping in front of the door to block Sirius' path.
"I want to see her." Sirius tried to get into the house but Frank stopped him. "Let me see her!" he snapped, using all his strength to push through.
"Longbottom!" Moody's commanding voice came from across the yard. "Let him through." Frank released Sirius, stepping aside with a heavy sigh.
Sirius still entered the house half hoping to find her alive, badly injured but alive. If she was still breathing they could save her, they could fix whatever damage had been done. She was strong, stronger than anyone he knew, she could survive this.
Kingsley was standing in the entryway. He looked at Sirius with pity, the kind of look one gives to someone grieving a loved one, and then he ordered his team to step out of the house and allow Sirius to be alone.
Sirius had not noticed the body on the stairs at first, as Kingsley had been blocking it, but he realized as he stepped forward that it was Amy. Her eyes were closed, her arm hanging behind her. She was four months pregnant with her second child. Her husband and daughter were out of the country. It made him queasy just looking at her. Amy had never been anything but kind to him since they were kids. She'd been warm and friendly and sharp as a whip. Now she was dead.
He walked into the living room, where the majority of the Aurors had been, and there he saw her. Lying on her back, head turned to the side. The room stunk of vomit and sweat. Her right arm was twisted behind her back. Her eyes were open, dried blood on her pale lips. Sirius resisted the urge to scream.
She had not fallen asleep, safe and sound, on her parent's couch. She would never return home and wake him, as she'd promised. They would never buy a house of their own or start a family. They wouldn't travel as they'd so often dreamt or live in Paris for a year. Marlene would never laugh again, she would never again lie warm in bed beside Sirius. She was gone. This body, this empty vessel, was all that she had left behind, all there was to remind Sirius that she was not a figment of his imagination, that Marlene had lived, that she had fallen asleep in his arms just that morning.
Sirius had experienced lots of pain in his life, most of his childhood had been shaped by it, but this pain, the pain of losing her, of knowing she was gone, was perhaps worst of all. He approached her body slowly, carefully, as though any sudden movements might disturb her peaceful rest. Her eyes were still open, the same stunning shade of blue, the same eyes he'd fallen in love with so many years ago.
Sirius reached for her face and, with careful fingers, pulled her eyelids shut. She looked better that way, more like she had drifted into a listless sleep and chosen not to wake.
"Oh Marlene," he whispered, tears pricking at his eyes, "I am so sorry." He stroked back her hair, the way he might have if she were truly asleep, lying in bed beside him. "Forgive me."
He leaned over her, tears escaping from the corners of his eyes, falling down onto her face. He should have come with her, he shouldn't have let her leave, he should've returned home earlier, early enough to say goodbye one last time. He wished more than anything, sitting there beside her, that he had not left her sleeping that morning. He should've shaken her awake before he left, kissed her one last time, memorized the shape of her lips and the crinkle of her eyes when she smiled. He should have memorized every last bit of her so that she was imprinted in his brain, her memory never able to fade.
"Sirius," came Alice's timid voice from behind him. "They need to take her body away now, to St. Mungo's."
"Okay," he nodded, staring down at her face, memorizing the way her hair felt slipping through his fingers.
He stood up slowly and moved aside, standing at the edge of the room with Alice as they watched two Healers carefully transfer Marlene's body onto a floating stretcher that they would apparate back to St. Mungo's with. Sirius had witnessed this before too, he had watched as the families of victims cried in the background, watching their bodies carted off, covered in a white sheet. How terrible for them, he would think, detached from the scene, free to return home to his warm bed and his girlfriend, alive and well.
He followed her body all the way out the door and watched as the two men disappeared with her and she was gone. The bodies of her family members followed, all brought to be examined in the same morgue, all as dead as the next.
"Frank and I are going to go to see James and Lily," Alice informed him, the pair of them standing on the front steps. "Come with us."
Go with them, he could hear Marlene telling him, be there for James. It was what a better person might have done, a stronger person, but Sirius was not him. Perhaps he had been once, for a little while, but that man was gone. He had died at the same time Marlene's body was hit with the killing curse and sent tumbling to the ground.
"No," he shook his head, "no, I can't."
"Sirius…" Alice tried to stop him. He heard her calling his name behind him as he walked away, back down the road, away from the McKinnons' manor and the only woman he had ever loved.
Frank took James to St. Mungo's hidden beneath his invisibility cloak. He was to stay hidden until they were alone and Frank gave him the okay. James had fought hard on this particular point. He did not want to be cloaked the final time he saw Marlene. If there was any piece of her still present he wanted her to know that he was there.
James followed Frank through the hospital. They were guided by a warm, middle-aged nurse, who was complacent with every request once she saw Frank's Auror badge.
"Horrible tragedy, isn't it?" she said, making small talk in the elevator. "That poor family."
"Yes," Frank replied stiffly, not daring to look towards James, standing in the corner, well disguised.
"Everyday it's another body. I wish this war could be over already."
"You and me both," Frank agreed.
She took them down a long, fluorescent-lit hallway. The floors were green linoleum, the walls cement, painted white. It was claustrophobic. James hated imagining Marlene down here, all alone, shoved away in a freezer.
"I'll bring her out for you," the nurse said, pausing in front of a door near the end of the hall. "Take all the time you need."
She disappeared into the room, leaving Frank and James alone. It was getting hot under the cloak, it always did after a while, and James could feel sweat dripping down the side of his face.
"Where are you?" Frank whispered. He was leaning back against the wall.
"Here," James said from his right side.
The nurse emerged a few moments later. She reminded Frank that he had all the time he needed and then disappeared back down the hall and up the elevator. Once they were alone James pulled the cloak off, his hair damp with sweat.
"Here," Frank draped it over his arm. "I'll wait out here, okay?"
"Yeah, sure," James shrugged. "I won't be long."
"Take your time," Frank told him. James knew he meant it too. He could take two hours in there and he doubted Frank would even knock. He, like most of them, understood the difficulty of loss. The challenge in letting go.
The room was dimly lit and cold. There was a large wall full of numbered compartments in which James assumed they stored all the bodies. There was only one body visible in the room though, floating on a stretcher in the middle of it, her naked body covered only by a thin sheet. James gulped anxiously. This was it, their final goodbye.
Her hair was tidy, tucked behind her. Her skin was pale, not a drop of colour, nearly grey. Her lips were almost white. She didn't look like any living person James had ever seen. She was drained and lifeless, like a lemon that had been squeezed dry of all its juice.
"Oh Mar," he sighed, tears filling his eyes. "Fuck."
James couldn't help but feel, as he stood there, by the dead body of his oldest friend, that he had failed. Marlene was the one person he had vowed always to protect. He had failed her. Time and time again. All of the pain and misery she had endured at his hands and for this… to end like this….
He reached for her face, the only part of her not covered by the sheet, and felt her skin, cold to the touch. James closed his eyes, trying to prevent the onslaught of tears, helpless to the whims of his emotions in a moment like this. He opened his eyes again to see Marlene. Not the lifeless body on the table in front of him but the girl he had known.
She was wearing an off-the-shoulder white dress he recognized from a party she'd worn it to, the summer between fourth and fifth year. His father's birthday party. That's what it was. She looked just as he remembered her from that night – long blonde hair, red lipstick, and lots of mascara. She smiled, the same girlish smile she had flashed James so many times.
"You're just too good to be true," she sang, stepping closer and closer towards him. "I can't take my eyes off of you." James watched her, his stomach sinking, and then – when she was almost close enough to reach out and touch – she disappeared.
Marlene spun in circles, round and round, till just the sight of her made James feel dizzy. She stopped, stumbling, her shoes kicked off behind her. She brought the bottle of white wine she was holding to her lips and drank deeply.
"Hey, hey! Don't hog it all!"
They were still too young to drink in the house with all the other adults. Instead, they resorted to stealing any booze they could get their hands on and rushing as far from the party as they could get before their absence was noticed.
It was dark; every star seemed to be shining in the sky above them. James was drunk, elated, high on life. Marlene looked beautiful, with her red lips and her dress slipping off her shoulders.
"You're just too good to be true," Marlene began to sing, making James laugh. He was drunk enough to join in without hesitation.
"I can't take my eyes off of you." Soon they were running down the hill, away from the Potters' manor, screaming at the top of their lungs:
"I love you, baby! And if it's quite alright I need you baby!"
They collapsed, before reaching the forest's edge, landing on their backs in a heap, a half finished bottle of wine laid to rest between them.
"Hey," Marlene said, still out of breath. James turned his head to look at her. She was smiling. "I love you," she told him, "do you know that?"
"Of course," James agreed, almost too easily, "I love you too."
"I love you more," she announced, as though it were a competition. James rolled his eyes.
"Not possible."
"Why not?" Marlene had rolled over onto her side now, facing James, her elbow propped up, supporting her head.
"Because, you're my sister, if not biologically than in every other sense of the word."
Marlene cocked an eyebrow. "Your sister?" she said, her tone mischievous. "Is that all you see me as?" They must've been drunk, for Marlene to be talking like that. Sure, their mothers had hoped, when they were younger, that they might fall in love and marry. It was their dream, but James and Marlene had refused to cooperate. They had never approached anything close to romance and, whatever inclinations had popped up over the years were swiftly shoved aside.
"Is this a trap?" James asked after a while, not sure how to respond.
"No," Marlene giggled. "Seriously James, have you never thought… oh, forget it. I'll regret this in the morning."
"No," he wouldn't let her off so easily, "say it."
She stared at him, the corners of her lips turned up, a cheeky look in her eyes.
"I mean, don't you ever wonder what it might have been like if we'd done what our mothers wanted?" It was a question they had never before dared to ask. "I mean, obviously I know you're mad for Lily and I mean, of course, we're far beyond anything happening here—"
"Of course I've thought about it," he said, cutting off her rambling. Marlene's eyes widened.
"You have?"
"Haven't you?"
"Of course…"
"The weirdest bit about it all is I can't see why not. I mean, you're my closest friend, my oldest for sure, you're beautiful, smart, and, as my mother loves most, you're not afraid to call me out on my shit."
"Someone has to," Marlene smirked.
"Maybe it'd be too perfect."
"Yeah," she nodded, "maybe."
"We'd have cute babies though, wouldn't we?"
Marlene laughed. "Yeah, I suppose we would." She dropped her gaze, still smiling, and when she looked up at James again there was something different, a spark now ignited.
"If I do something…" she paused, rubbing her lips together. "Will you promise not to mention it in the morning or, like, ever again?" James shrugged. He was too curious to say no. It happened both incredibly slowly and in an instant. She leaned forward, cupped his cheek in her hand, and pressed her lips to his. She was short and sweet about it, leaving James stunned.
"Whoa."
"Was that too weird?" she asked anxiously. "Oh Merlin, I'm such an idiot, you can't blame a girl for always wondering though—"
He leaned forward, lips finding hers again, this time more passionately, with more purpose. It was both the strangest and most exhilarating thing James had ever done. His hand found Marlene's waist, the way it might've on any other girl. It felt so natural, so normal, this movement. He nearly pulled her onto his lap. Nearly tangled his fingers in her hair, the way he'd imagined himself doing every once in a while when he allowed such thoughts to creep in.
"JAMES?" His mother called from the house. Her voice was distant but close enough to make Marlene and James pull apart in shock. They stared at one another, both in disbelief, and then scrambled to tidy themselves up.
"MARLENE?"
"WE'RE COMING!" James howled back, hands cupping around his mouth. Marlene straightened out her dress, fixed her hair, and then leaned in to wipe a smudge of lipstick off of James' chin.
"That was…"
"Something we will never discuss again," James promised her. they shook on it, just to make the deal official, and they lived by their promise for the rest of their lives.
James stared down at Marlene's corpse and wondered what might have happened if they had discussed that kiss again if they'd done it again, if they'd followed their mothers' wishes and married. Maybe, Marlene would still be alive. Maybe Lily would be happier and James would not need to worry night and day about keeping his family safe from harm. It was all the "what ifs" that would drive him mad.
"I love you," he whispered. "I always have and I always will." There were tears rolling down his cheeks, clinging to his lips so that he tasted the salty water. "I'm going to make you proud, okay? I swear Marlene, I am going to make you so proud." He leaned down, his hands shaking, and pressed a final kiss to her cold brow. "You will not be forgotten. I promise you."
There was a knock at the door and a few seconds later Remus stepped inside. He paused there, standing before James with his shoulders slack and dark circles beneath his eyes. They had not been alone together in weeks but at this moment, while everything else seemed to crumble around them, none of that mattered. James rushed forth and collapsed in Remus' arms, sobbing. They both cried, holding tightly to each other, apologizing over and over.
"I'm so sorry, I should've come sooner," Remus, said. "I had to look after Neville until Augusta could come—"
"It's fine," James reassured him, "you're here now, that's what matters."
When they pulled apart Remus was staring over James' shoulder at Marlene's body, still lying in the middle of the room, unmoved. He stepped closer towards her, his face drawn in pain, and when he reached her side he took one look at her and his face fell into his hands.
"I'm so sorry," he sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Marlene."
James took his friend into his arms once more, holding him tight. You're getting a real kick out of this, aren't you? Bringing friends back together over your deathbed.
It was a while later, once the tears had passed and they'd each had their chance to say goodbye, that the two men returned back out into the hallway. Frank was waiting for them, sitting on the ground with his knees drawn into his chest. He jumped up when they stepped out.
"Okay?" he asked, his eyes shifting between the two anxiously.
"As okay as it can be," James shrugged.
"Are you ready to go home?"
"I guess."
"What about her sister's husband and daughter, where are they?" Remus asked.
"Out of town. He took their daughter to visit family back in France."
"Does he know?" James asked, his stomach sinking. He couldn't imagine anything worse than discovering that your pregnant wife had been brutally murdered (along with the rest of her family) and you weren't even in the country.
"I don't think so. Moody will probably send one of the Aurors to do it later today—"
"No," James shook his head, "it should be someone who knew them." It should be me, he thought bitterly. I can't even do Marlene that small decency.
"I can do it." Both Frank and James turned to Remus in shock.
"You?" Frank practically choked on the word. "Shouldn't it be Sirius? He knew the family best, after James of course."
"I don't think Sirius will be much use to anyone over the next few days." Neither Remus nor Frank attempted to argue with that. James assumed Sirius was hiding somewhere, wallowing in self-pity and guilt. Part of him couldn't help but be a little angry with his best friend, for failing to protect Marlene, for running away when James himself needed him.
"Remus should do it," James affirmed. "He knew Marlene well."
"I'll go today," Remus told them, hands tucked into his pockets, head bowed. None of them moved because it meant that they were to accept that from this moment on, the world would keep moving, their lives would continue and Marlene's would not.
"Ah, I expected to see you here." James jumped and looked over his shoulder in surprise. It was Albus Dumbledore. His blue robes dragging across the floor as he came down the hallway towards them as though he'd appeared from thin air. "Mr Potter," he nodded at James, "I am sorry for your loss."
"Do you know who did this?" James asked. If anyone knew it would be Dumbledore but the old man shook his head.
"No, I'm afraid not."
"Sir," Frank stepped forward, using his official Auror voice. "I know James is strictly forbidden from leaving Godric's Hollow but I thought—"
"It is quite all right, Mr Longbottom," Dumbledore said, placing up a hand to silence Frank. "I assumed Mr Potter would come by at some point this morning to say his goodbyes."
"No one saw me," James promised, holding up the invisibility cloak that Frank had been holding. Dumbledore nodded, a twinkle in his eyes.
"I see." He reached out for the cloak and James relinquished it wordlessly, not anticipating what might come next. "Regretfully, I will have to take this."
"What?"
"The murder of the McKinnons makes us certain that any family that has been threatened by Lord Voldemort is in grave danger."
"But—"
"We can't risk you sneaking out of the house," Dumbledore stated finally. "Not even under the disguise of your cloak."
"Sir, with all due respect, I don't believe hiding like scared children will help us."
"Not like scared children," Dumbledore corrected him. "Like worried parents trying to do what is in the best interest of their child's safety." The statement forced James to swallow his pride and step down. If he were to convince Dumbledore that locking them away in that cottage was a mistake it would have to be at another time.
"Now, Mr Potter, if you would, I will accompany you back home." Dumbledore placed his arm in front of James for him to take and it was not until he did so that he realized this would be the last time he was close to Marlene.
