Author's Note: Happy (belated) birthday, Ish! Eowyn77 broke out in giggles whenever she read the line in The Daily Buzz about Sharsky wandering off and looting something. Ish requested the story that inspired the giggles, and this AU is the result. Ish helped Eowyn77 polish it up, and we decided to share. Just so we don't confuse anyone, we do get both Sharsky's and Fassbinder's perspectives in this ficlet. Hope you enjoy!
SHARSKY:
"I'm sure you can still bounce home on your own two feet," Lisbeth said in front of us, "but I'm not taking chances on Sharsky wandering off and looting something."
Now there was an idea! I didn't have enough dough with me for all the snowglobes I wanted - why not just take them!
Fassbinder would never go along with that, though. He was too busy making googly eyes with his Borg Queen. And no way would he want to risk getting caught and be separated from her.
In the parking lot, I lurched a little when I missed stepping off the curb. Thankfully Joss steadied me. Would she go with me? Maybe. She was Lisbeth's friend more than mine, so maybe she'd try to protect the lovebirds from anything disrupting their perfect little Spring Break.
Fassbinder was tripping even worse than I was - he wrapped Lisbeth up in his jacket like some wannabe gallant paladin or something.
For just a second, the world looked like a World of Warcraft screen. I blinked and rubbed my eyes. Usually that only happened during a WOW marathon, but I'd been away from my computer for more than fifteen hours at this point. In fact, I'd prepared for this trip by not sleeping last night and getting my fill of side-quests. It must be withdrawal that pixelated Fassbinder's picture-perfect romance.
"Hey," Joss hissed, "Where's your phone?"
Confused, I held it up and she snatched it out of my hands, muttering something about the One Line Stand Challenge.
"Are you always this grabby with your dates?" I asked her.
"Zug zug," she answered, chuckling.
"How did you know?" Was she some kind of mage or something?
Handing my phone back, she said, "You play to the type."
"What's my type?"
"Some kind of orc."
I snorted. "And I suppose you're some kind of elf?"
"Nope. Paladin."
Yeah, no way would she go on a real-life raid with me.
We got to our room, and I kind of collapsed onto the bed. I should be tired. I was tired. But there was a shop to be raided - for gold and glory! The thought made me giggle.
As soon as the girl-paladin went back to her room and 'Binder-paladin was swooning over his elf-drama-queen, I snuck back out into the parking lot, dodging behind cars to stay out of their sight.
"Mission accomplished," Fassbinder said behind me, and I thought, 'Mission barely started.'
FASSBINDER:
"Good night, dear Nadipati."
Without another word, Lisbeth turned and headed back to her room. I politely waited until she had left and I closed the door before whooping and fist-pumping.
Walking on air, I started gathering stuff so I could shower, so it was a few minutes before I realized I was the only one in the motel room. I double-checked the bathroom, but it was dark inside and the door stood open. Sharksy wasn't there to try to jump-scare me when I pulled the shower curtain back.
I glanced outside, but there was no sign of him.
Feeling sheepish, I texted Lisbeth, /I need you and Joss./
/Um..why?/
/I think I mislaid Sharsky./
/That's going into the 1LSC./
/Okay, whatever, as long as you come help me find him!/
I was checking random nooks and crannies when they knocked.
"Are you sure he isn't under the bed?" Lisbeth asked.
I lifted the bed-skirt to show the solid-wood frame that wouldn't even allow me to lose a shoe under there.
That satisfied them, and we spread out looking for him.
The parking lot was U-shaped with rooms lining three sides. The girls went right and I went left - divide and conquer.
When I rounded the corner, I found another U-shaped parking lot, so I made a circuit of it, checking between cars for Sharsky. I'd made it half-way around before I got a text from Lisbeth. /Cop cars at the check-in/
Slag it all! I sprinted back toward the girls. When I got there, they were standing just beside the front door looking kind of owlishly at me. Two cop cars were parked in front with their sirens off but their lights flashing. In the quiet, I could overhear the check-in clerk saying, "I really don't know. He had his shirt on over his head, covering everything but his eyes. He had to be high on something, 'cause he was shouting gibberish the whole time."
One of the cops must have noticed us, because she came out into the night. "Did you all see anything?"
"No…" Lisbeth said.
"We came here hoping to buy some candy bars," Joss improvised.
The cop shook her head. "The clerk's busy right now. Move along."
"Yes, ma'am," I agreed and we beat a hasty retreat back toward my room.
"What did you overhear?" I asked the girls as we walked.
Joss said, "That some dude with his shirt over his head and a hairy belly burst into the lobby, snatched up an armful of snowglobes, and ran off into the night."
"At least he had the smarts to cover his face," I muttered.
"Yeah, but where is he?" Lisbeth demanded. "He's clearly not in his right mind."
"We'd better spread out," Joss said. "We'll take the car and check out the neighboring blocks while you keep searching around here."
I'd searched the parking lots of the entire motel and Lisbeth and Joss met me near the street on the opposite side of the hotel from check-in. (We didn't want those cops to see us prowling around.)
"Any sign of him?" I hopefully asked.
"Nope. We drove around every block for three blocks in every direction. Unless we want to start crawling through people's backyards…"
This was so not like Sharsky. Yeah, he'd sometimes do stupid, impulsive stuff, but to just disappear like this wasn't like him.
I looked over at Joss. "Did he say anything to you when you were walking us home?"
"Not really. We just talked a little bit about World of Warcraft."
"Oh no." I should have seen this coming. Expecting Sharsky to go a whole week without WOW was a recipe for disaster.
"What?" Lisbeth demanded.
But I was looking at the surrounding businesses. There was a big-box store across the street, but he'd need a whole army to raid that, and besides, he'd be more interested in protecting his loot - or selling it to free up space in his inventory.
"Maybe we should check the motel room again," Joss suggested.
"No. We should be looking for a pawn shop."
"What?" Lisbeth said again, thoroughly confused, but Joss gave me a look that said she understood what I was thinking but didn't believe it.
To Joss, I said, "He's done this a couple of times, but only after about day three of a WOW marathon." For Lisbeth, I explained, "He gets so jazzed up on caffeine and sleep deprivation that the online world kind of bleeds into the real one."
"Now that you mention it, I think we did pass a pawn shop two blocks over," Lisbeth said. "Let's check it out."
"And if he's not there," Joss declared, "we're going back to the motel until he decides to join the real world again."
"Which will happen no later than breakfast," I grumbled. Opening the door for the back seat and climbing in, I said, "Alright, let's check it out."
The pawn shop was a house that had been converted to commercial use. We pulled up in front of it and I squinted through the lattice-work of the ramp to the front porch. "Hold on!" I said, jumping out of the car. Halfway up the steps, I saw a shirtless figure sprawled out on the floor of the porch, a dark pool staining the concrete next to his head.
"What the eff?!" I shouted, my heart pounding.
"What?" Joss called back.
"Sharsky's dead!"
The girls jumped out and ran up the stairs toward me, but just as they got close, the figure on the porch let out a lumberjack-worthy snore.
Lisbeth punched my arm. "Trying to scare us..."
"No, look at the blood on the concrete…"
"That's going in the One Line Stand Challenge," Joss announced. All chipper, she asked, "So...where do we hide the body?"
Lisbeth snorted. "Even in this lighting, blood would have some kind of reddish tint."
Because my drama queen would know how to stage realistic-looking murder scenes.
I stepped closer and noticed the broken snowglobe next to his head. That's where the water had come from. With a sigh, I lightly slapped his face a little. "Sharsky. Come on, you gotta get up."
He just weakly flailed his hands at me, trying to brush me away.
"There's a raid in two minutes," Joss barked. "Are you in or not!"
Sharsky sat bolt upright and saluted on the wrong side with a thankfully-intact snow globe. Lisbeth fought her fit of giggles while Joss snatched the globe away and smacked him up the other side of his head.
"Come on, you grunt," I said, pulling him to his feet, "let's get you back to bed."
…
By the time we got Sharsky tucked in and snoring again, it was after two in the morning. We agreed to give ourselves a couple of extra hours to sleep in, and then the girls waved good-night and headed back to their room.
I still needed that shower, so I took the risk and got cleaned up. Afterward, as I was brushing my teeth, I noticed a text from Lisbeth. /There's a present on your doorstep./
Okay? Opening the door, I found what looked like a heap of Red Bull cans. When I picked one up, though, I realized they'd been strung together with paperclips, and they rattled slightly with pebbles or something inside. Texting her back, I said, /Thanks?/
/LOL It's a booby-trap for the door. Attach it to the chain so you'll hear it if Sharsky tries to sneak out again. Joss's idea. Sleep well!/
Chuckling, I twisted it into the chain and finally, finally hit the sack.
