The Thomas the Tank Engine Crackfic Collab

By Memesandtreasure and Seaboarder

Published by Derby Locomotive Works on FanFiction

Episode 1. The Oliver Incident.

It was a peaceful day on the Little Western. Puffy clouds were floating in the air, the sea was peacefully slamming itself onto the beach, and no one had a care. There were trains rolling down the branch line of course, but these mostly consisted of tourists and holiday goers who wanted to sit back and relax on the sea side. It's here that we get to focus on our main protagonist for the day, Oliver.

"Ooh, that's a good shot right there.", Oliver commented.

"Mister Oliver, with all due respect, please hurry up. We only have two minutes until we need to take these passengers to their next stop.", Toad called out, since he was at the back of the passenger train.

"Fine, just give me a minute, I need to get in a few more. This seagull will be a good reference for later, plus, I can practice with photoshopping again.", he quickly replied.

For what it's worth, he did keep his promise, and left as soon as the guard's whistle blew, continuing down the line with his coaches full of passengers. Now, for those of you wondering why Oliver was taking photos of a seagull in the first place, you must come to understand the NWR #11's origins.

This world's equivalent of Oliver in this timeline has a few key differences to his most famous counterpart. For one, he wasn't just on the run from being scrapped, he was also on the run from the mafia, after sticking his nose into things that he shouldn't have, the government, because he existed, the butcher of his old railway, because he took a lot of his steaks, and the bank, because he didn't pay the tax for those steaks. He was eventually able to escape to Sodor with the help of Douglas, who had to help Donald with the same exact mafia, but they all still followed after him nonetheless. It took some "persuasion" by the likes of Gordon and James, and by persuasion, I mean them threatening to drag them across the line by a steel rope while going at their top speeds, as well as Toby and Edward showing up, since they've been in service to the Royal Navy for so long, to get them to drop their pursuit. Instead, they all came to a deal where Oliver would have to work his ass off to pay off his debts to the world.

It mostly consisted of him getting his ass beat by the military trio of the famous 8, while also being assigned to job after job, but it was otherwise quite pleasant, and he even made some new connections, while getting to rekindle old ones too. He eventually made the choice to simply stay on the NWR permanently, and since then, has run the Little Western alongside Monty. But then again, those friendships of his aren't what we're here for. No, we're here for the "Oliver Incident", which had all started with the opening of a certain, notorious art website. That website's DeviantArt, for those of you who didn't know.

Now, this all started when Oliver was at another pop-culture convention, selling his art to the masses and stuff. You see, Oliver is actually an artist, as well as a tank engine who's good at their job, and has come to make a decent profit for himself off of the art he sells, usually done online, sometimes made and sold in person for a special request, it varies. No one else knows about this sort of thing, except Toad, but Toad's been with Oliver through everything, so he gets a pass. At first, he usually just drew things he could find around the Little Western, occasionally did some photography, but his wildlife and still life drawings were generally his favorite to do. He mostly drew seagulls, so he got a decent grasp on bird anatomy, and got quite adept at drawing the geographical features too, like the Little Western's coastline, and still life like the trees. Granted, there were those times that he was able to draw the occasional fish caught by their local fisherman, and passengers occasionally paid him to make a portrait of themselves in whatever style they desired, but those were far and few in between. Then, that had all changed with the very first convention he ever went to, where he got introduced to a few major fandoms, most notably that of the railway series' fanart. Now, since he's an engine, he generally has to have a special track set up for him just to be able to get to his booth and sell his merchandise. He assumed that it'd be relatively uneventful, since he's kind of just a talking train who's selling wildlife drawings, until…

"Oh. My. GOD! It's Really Him, The NWR #11, Oliver Himself!", yelled a cosplayer.

"Hold on, why's he here? Wait, is that his art? Hold on, that stuff's actually pretty good. Oy, how much do they cost?", another commented.

Yeah, Oliver had forgotten that there was a series of books written for the NWR, nor did he remember that, oh yeah, he was a part of those books, and had several stories that revolved around him. Granted, there were some inconsistencies, like him going ham on Scruffy instead of Rebecca, omitting the other reasons for why he was on the run, and yet he chose to accurately depict that time he fell into a turntable's well. He was kind of angry about that, but was glad that he got to have at least one moment of triumph in the books. So, for a few days, he was able to answer questions for his fans, some of them being lies, but most of them being true.

"So, did you actually fall down that turn table well?", one fan asked.

"Nah man, that was… uh… Duck, he was actually the one who fell in. Awdry fabricated it though, said that it'd make for a more compelling arc for me. And yes, he prefers to be called Duck, not Monty.", Oliver lied, not wanting to feel humiliated again.

"Why did Henry get stuck in the tunnel? Was it actually because of rain?", another inquired.

"No, it was actually because he broke down in the tunnel. He feigned vanity to cover up his problems. He's gotten better, of course, but it is still something that we occasionally make fun of him for. Still, I can't say I blame him, pride and all that.", he answered honestly.

It went like that for a few hours, and each fan bought a piece of artwork as some form of memorabilia, on the condition that they were to keep his presence here a secret, as he did not want his coworkers to find out about his ventures here, nor were they to tell anyone else of the answers he gave to their questions, since he did not want to face the wrath of an angry NWR fleet. He was able to make a tidy profit, got to answer a bunch of questions, made sure that the fans never took pictures of him, and otherwise had an uneventful week, apart from that time he saw a kid piss on and in a lot of the places that people often played with, like the trampoline, and the ball pit. That same kid grows up to become that one dude who pisses in a ball pit, again, but it's at an event called DashCon. Oliver would be glad that he didn't take the gig there that day. Then, on the last day, just as he was about to close shop, since he sold everything he could, one last fan had walked up to him before he was about to set off.

"Listen, if you're here to buy something, sorry, but we're all out of stock.", Oliver stated matter-of-factly.

"No, I'd actually like to have a discussion with you.", the fan responded.

"Alright then, go ahead and ask me something."

"Do you feel stressed from your job on the NWR?"

"...No...Not really. It's quite pleasant most of the time. Sometimes, I get frustrated, but I usually get over those frustrations quite easily. Although, the workload can get quite cumbersome at times, especially in the summer. A lot of tourists come, usually either to see us in action, or to have their island getaway, so there's an increase in passenger traffic. There's also the increase in goods traffic as well, and while Sodor does get loads upon loads of coal for us steamies, diesel fuel for diesels, and propane for our propane turbine locomotives, it leaves me and my coworkers quite exhausted, both physically and mentally. We all have our things to look forward to at the end of the day, however. For instance, I usually have my art to draw at the end of the day, but even that's beginning to become a bit of a bore. Not for lack of enjoyment, but it's because I've been stuck drawing mostly the same thing everyday. I guess I just need a change up for subjects, you know?"

"A change in subjects? Oh, I think I might have an idea then."

"Oh? Do tell then. What is this change in subjects?"

"Why not your coworkers? Train and all? You can simply ask them if you could draw their likenesses for them. The worst they could say is no, albeit in different ways, and you'll be able to get in some practice with drawing as well. So, what do you think?"

"Seems like a good idea. Nice talking with you, mister…?"

"Just call me Sean. I'll see you later, Oliver."

"You too Sean, you too."

Oliver returned back to Sodor the next day. He waited about a week to begin asking his fellow engines, as well as the human workers, and they all comply. He gets better with each drawing, to the point where the completed ones look like photos. Life was good for everyone, and it would stay good… For exactly one year. Again, Oliver had gone to a convention, but it was this time a bigger one. Think ComicCon, but in Britain instead, and with fans of various fictional train series' all over the place too, since talking trains are real in this timeline. Oliver wouldn't be able to meet Sean again this year, but he did see people from other booths show off their merchandise to him, with one person in particular catching his eye.

"Oy, what you got there?", Oliver inquired.

"Oh, they're simply humanizations of King Kong. You know what that is?"

"Vaguely. It's an American film franchise from what I can recall, and it revolves around a giant gorilla. The real question is, how's your oc King Kong? The dude's a giant gorilla, your rendition of him is humanoid."

"Hm. Oliver, do you know what anthropomorphization is?"

"Anthropomorphization?"

"Yes, anthropomorphization, or endowing something with human qualities. The extent can vary, often ranging from giving something vague human features, to what I did with Kong, that being turning him into a human."

"What else can you do this with?"

"Anything, if you put your mind to it. Rocks, trees, fish, even trains if you want."

"Hm. trains."

"Yeah, I'm just not comfortable with doing that for the non-faceless kind, especially one such as yourself."

"Oh, it's fine if you do it with me as a subject. Just make sure no one else can know, don't need that sort of stuff getting out after all."

"Oh, thank you Mr. Oliver."

"Please, just call me Oliver."

For the rest of the week, Oliver's time at the convention was more or less unnotable. Then, the same kid who had pissed on and in everything last year chooses to make his return again, doing the same exact motif he had done last year, and again, he ran away, without being caught once. When the week was over, Oliver returned back to Sodor, but this time, he had something else in mind for the others. He at first, just wanted to experiment with the humanization of himself and Monty, and had worked on the sketches in his spare time. They were relatively basic, but hey, it was a start, and over time, he had begun to carefully, but stealthily, study the others as reference for any minor details, or major ones too, like facial features, personalities, the outfits they would probably wear, and more. He kept on drawing and drawing, which set off a domino effect of him having made multiple renditions of the same engine, all the while more, never asking them to use their likeness for this sort of thing. Then, the thought of his drawings began to leak into his mind during his work time, and not only had his performance notably gone down, it had taken many others with him, seeing as he caused several accidents with his mind going on auto-pilot.

For instance: his most notable near miss. It was the middle of June, a bit more than a month after his stint at the convention. Oliver was rushing down the lines with another mixed train again, consisting of the slip coaches, auto coaches, and even Old Slow Coach herself. To top it all off, he had to pull a load of stone behind him as well, so he had to keep focus if he didn't want to crash, again. Unfortunately, the strain of pulling such a massive load forced him to try and keep his mind on other things in order to cope with the strain, like the humanizations of the other locomotives he'd be tweaking at the end of the day.

"~Hm, should I add on a few more crows feet for Thomas, or should it be Toby who gets the crows feet instead? Maybe I should do both, but what if that doesn't leave me with the time to update Colin's design.~ -Oliver.- ~Then again, I should update Peter's, haven't done that for a bit. Although, Gordon would also be good practice for angrier facial features. -OLIVER.- Shouldn't say anything around him though. Ooh, maybe I could get to Monty's design today, would be relaxing to draw human-him getting bread thrown at him by Bernard Montgomery, 'specially since- Oliver, Look Out!"

"Huh?", Oliver muttered out, having been brought back to reality by Isabelle, just as he was coming up on a red signal at top speed.

"OH FUCKLAS!", he screamed, applying his brakes as hard as he could, stopping just short of the set of points. He panted heavily, a wave of relief washing over him, 10 seconds before Percy passed by with a light goods train.

"Dude, you all right?", Percy calmly inquired as he passed by.

"Yeah, just underestimated how early I'd need to stop with this train. Bit of a brainfart if you ask me.", Oliver quickly replied.

"Ok then. Just be more careful, alright?"

"Yeah, sure."

That might have been his most notable miss, but it was also only his first of many, including that time where he was taking some tar wagons and stopped at too far of a distance from the signals when he got into a trance from trying to think about whether or not he should add tassels to human Thierry's outfit. On a related note, yes, this is how "James in a Mess" happens, but he's less worried about his paint, and more worried about the damage to his nuclear reactor and coolant system. So yeah, he had to be held up in the finest of workshops that the mainland could offer for a while. That caused his "Red Mile" and other jobs to be taken up by the other nuclear engines, and their propane turbine brethren, which were either done in their spare time, or get stacked on top of the other jobs that they already have. This arrangement wasn't too bad, as most of the NWR's fleet were strong enough to take on the "Red Mile" already, so adding it on top of their own pre-existing jobs wasn't too harsh, but what they were frustrated about was the fact that this accident could have been easily avoided, contrary to what Oliver was spouting about it. From there, a plan for an intervention from the rest of the fleet was set up, and then it all fell into place.

"I can't believe it, that bloody green Great Western engine landed James in the bloody works.", yelled Neville.

"Ay, me too. The added workload ain't too bad, at least when my trains are all combined with James'. Still, it could've been avoided had Oliver gotten his head out of the clouds. I mean, who stops so far away from a red signal, that some of their wagons block the points? Not me, that's for sure.", Molly commented.

The engines had all gathered around Tidmouth sheds, including Monty, while Oliver was back down at the Little Western and in the shed that he and the NWR #8 shared, giving the excuse that he had felt tired. By that, I mean he was updating his human S.C. Ruffey design, as well as sketching out a human design for the slip coaches. Anyway, the other engines were tired of Oliver constantly staying on auto-pilot whenever he pulled a train, especially now that James was at the works getting repaired thanks to the NWR #11's carelessness.

"Something's gotta be occupying his mind for him to nearly fuck everything up so often. That's gotta be it. But what?", Gordon pondered.

"Well, I don't know exactly, but I think it might have something to do with his latest art projects.", a voice called out.

"Huh, who said that?", James asked, having zoned out for a bit too long.

"It's me, the lovable Toad. Oliver's been so out of it because he's been drawing anthropomorphization art of you guys."

"What's anthropomorphization?", Percy questioned.

"Giving human qualities to non-human subjects, such as inanimate objects, fictional characters, and in your cases, trains.", Toad replied.

"Oh. Wait, Oliver's been drawing us with legs or something?", Percy replied back.

"Nah, he's just turning you into full-on humans."

Silence crept through the crowd of engines, as shadows covered their eyes. Toad felt the atmosphere drop by several degrees in the presence of the NWR's locomotive stock.

"Didn't you guys give your consent to being drawn by him?"

"Yeah, he DID. I think we should all go.", Thomas snarled.

"Agreed.", Gordon muttered, the thing on his mind being one thing, the same as everyone else's mindset too, that being, settling things with Oliver tomorrow, once and for all.

The Next Day

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH", Oliver yawned.

Today was gonna be a good day. He'd get his work done, even if he gets into another near miss, he'd go back to the sheds, and then he'd go back to working on his humanizations of his coworkers. He saw that his driver and fireman weren't there, which was strange, since they're usually on time to start him up. So, he went back to sleep, waiting for them to come and wake him up, only for him to awaken on his own with the help of his natural body clock, tied up to a stake, with a fuckton of fire below him.

"HUH... What The Hell!? Someone, Please Help, Get Me Down From Here!", the GWR class 1400.

"No. You're gonna pay for your tomfuckery, OLIVER.", growled a voice.

"Hm, who said that?"

"Down here. It's me, Henry."

"Oh. Wait, what am I paying for?"

"We know you made humanizations of all of us. You did not ask us for our permission, and your daydreaming about them has almost caused us several accidents. For fucks sake, just yesterday, you landed James in the works, and let's not forget that time you almost overran a red signal, probably day dreaming about more humanizations and what not. So for that, we're gonna burn you at the stake, like the Salem Witch Trials from way back when."

"No, Wait, Please, I'm Sorry! I admit, I should have asked you for your permission, but you'd probably say no. I'll do anything to make it up. I'll shunt as much of your trains for you as I can. I'll give you my commissions money. Just please, let me go, and I'll stop doing humanizations, or even art altogether if you want."

"Hm. We'll all consider the details of your repentance soon enough, but you seem genuine enough. Alright, bring him down safely."

The workmen brought in the breakdown crane, hooked it around the dude, and slowly, but surely, brought him down, lowering him back down onto the rails.

"Alright Oliver, while we have chosen to not burn you alive, we still came here to watch something get set on fire. So, where's your commission money?"

After going to the bank, and withdrawing all of his money in cash, Oliver had to give it up to the others, and watch them go apeshit while they threw it all into the fire. Then, Sir Topham Hatt came in, told him "Oliver, you've severely fucked up.", and forced him to draw murals at every major location on the island that he could reach by rail. Jokes on them though, he gets to sneak in his own art, and everyone either doesn't notice, or doesn't care.

Moral of the story? Make sure your artistic subjects know what you're in for, or else you'll be fucked.

*Insert American Pearl - Automatic Here*