The First Year
Woke up this morning with only one thing on my mind: Roc's been gone a whole year now. Can you believe it? A year ago today you were begging us not to go, not to leave your apartment, pleading with Murphy to change his mind knowing that if he did I would back out at the last minute too. A year ago today we were being beaten in the basement of a mob boss by his cronies. A year ago today that the bastard stepped into the room, raised his gun and fired a single shot into Rocco's chest. I can still hear myself screaming 'God, no' knowing there wasn't a damn thing either of us could do.
Can't remember if either of us ever told you how it happened…sorry if we have and I'm repeating myself.
We used Roc's car…biggest fucking mistake we could've made that night; we thought by parking it four blocks away that we'd be in the clear of Yakavetta's guys. We tried to get in through the basement but they grabbed us as soon as they saw us…must've tripped an alarm or something…they had us outnumbered 4 to 3, 5 to 3 if you count Yakavetta, 6 to 3 if you count Da before we knew.
They started working on us, beating us to a pulp. At first it was one on one, the fourth had to have been getting our death room ready (don't know what else to call it). The fat fuck working Murph over kept hitting him in the face…no one hits my brother except me…Murph ended up with a bloody mug by the time they had him cuffed to a chair (no idea how they managed to get his feet cuffed without him nailing 'em in the face).
Roc was next, his face was a damn mess…they opened up the gunshot on his pinky that we tried to cauterize with an iron. He was howling he was in so much pain. God, I can still hear him screaming after all this time when I close my eyes.
I was the last one they got in a chair, they cuffed me same as Murph but I got the worst of it compared to them. The cut on my head from when we had our run-in with the Russians was opened up again, the bullet hole in my leg was opened up…I was fucking bloody mess, surprised that the cuffs around my wrists didn't open those old wounds up again.
They worked us for God only knows how long before Papa Joe came in wanting answers. Rocco finally took a stand and told him to fuck himself (bad fucking timing if you ask me). Motherfucker shot his other pinky off before they all left the room. They weren't gone too long before Yakavetta came back and we just knew what was going to happen. It was like time slowed down, everything happened in slow motion: Yakavetta coming into the room, took a couple of steps forward, brought his gun up and fired a single shot straight into Rocco's chest.
His last words to us were to never stop.
To lose Roc like that was devastating, it was the first time in a while that Murph cried. He still blames himself, ya know. Thinks that if he had listened to you in the first place that maybe Rocco would still be alive today. Only good that came out of that day was Da.
Speaking of, we finally decided to move out to the country onto the farm Da bought. He's right, the quiet is helping a bit, been sleeping a bit better since being out here. Still trying to get the hang of this whole sheep farming/herding business though; Da got us a couple of horses and I gotta tell ya the damn things are not as easy to handle as they make it look in the movies. I swear, the one I got must've never been ridden before. When I first got on it the damn thing started bucking, trying to get me off but Da told me to just hang on. It eventually calmed down enough that there's no problem now but it's a fight to get Murph on his every time.
Had our first St. Patrick's Day at The Anvil a few nights ago, gotta say nothing beats a celebration at home although spending time with you and Doc runs a close second. Our cousin Saoirse was already three sheets to the wind when we came in and started asking if tonight was gonna be the night you finally showed up and drank me under the table. Found out the next day, after we sobered up, that Murph's been telling her about you the last few months. I swear, one of these days he's gonna start telling her more intimate stories about the two of you and then everyone in the family will feel like they know you on a whole other level.
I swear if you ever came here you, Ma, and Saoirse would be thick as thieves; can't even begin to imagine the shit you three would get into. Da swears if it were to ever happen that he could almost guarantee that he'd be taken Ma home, Saoirse's husband would be taking her home, and you'd be stuck with the two of us. Although it may not be such a bad thing…alcohol makes you throw your inhibitions out the window. May be able to talk you into a roll in the hay (literally) and maybe a few other things if you catch my meaning.
Valentine's was last month and I know I made a promise to myself after my first letter that I'd send you another picture from our only real date together. This is my second favorite one and I have to admit the person who took this picture did a fantastic job of capturing something that only me and Murphy ever saw.
Remember how cold it was? Everything below the knee was practically bare but you somehow managed to keep your teeth from chattering up a storm, something that I couldn't stop from doing. Your fingers were freezing ass cold but when you put 'em on my cheek…it was like everything fell away. I know, I'm being a cheesy romantic (and you hate it). It's true though, the way you looked at me made me feel like I was all that mattered.
Sometimes, when I have trouble getting to sleep, I'll pull this picture out and just look at it and remember every time you gave me that look. Your eyes said everything; asking what I was thinking, wondering if you were good enough for the likes of my ugly mug, pleading with me to not get hurt, asking that I make sure Murph stays out of trouble. When I look at this picture I always ask myself what your eyes were saying at this moment. It's clear that your still worried about Murph when he was laid up but there was something else…maybe fear?
Ah well, we gotta be up extra early in the morning, Da's insisting on going to the market before it gets crowded to get some lambs. He wants to widen the gene pool so to speak, no in-breeding if he can help it…have to load up some of the sheep and a couple of rams, try to do an even trade.
If you get this, please just send a line or something back to let us know you're alright.
Connor
