A/N: Sorry it's been awhile since this has been updated but there's just not a lot of time anymore between working two jobs 7 days a week. I will update when I can however they will be more sporadic than I would like. Shout out to FanFreak2002 for being my beta on this as well as for the inspiration to write this chapter. For anyone who has read the BDS comics hopefully there's a small bit that you recognize.

Chapter 5

Hey, it's me. Guess you already knew that from the handwriting, huh?

Sorry you haven't heard from either of us in a long time, we're finally getting the hang of this entire sheep farming business. We just finished moving the herd from one patch of land to another that's closer to the barn. It's turning colder now and it's only September but that's Irish weather for you. I think if you saw us now you wouldn't recognize us, we (sorta) look like Jesus Christ – long(er) hair, beards even. Ma wants us to shave 'em off and cut our hair but Da says it's a good look for us; makes us look more mature. Have to agree with the man. Stared at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time and started seeing crow's feet 'round my eyes but I don't think he meant for mature to equal older.

Fucking hate getting old and I'm only 30.

I probably shouldn't even be telling you this but Uncle Sibeal had to do a favor for us, it felt like old times. Kid was found dead in a hole, looks like he took one to the chest. Sibeal says nothing like this ever happens out here but this was the fourth boy to have gone missing in the past year and the first body found. He's doing some digging for us; hopefully we can find who did this before it happens to another kid.

I haven't said anything to anyone but lately I've been questioning whether or not Da is really our Da. It doesn't seem right to outright ask for a test; I know what it'll say. Just that he left when we were so little, I don't even remember what he looked like. Ma and Sibeal have pictures of him but it's just not the same, you know? He won't even tell us what our grandfather was like. Only thing we could get on that matter was from Sibeal and the only thing he offered was that he and Da went to New York back in the 50's and shortly after he died, Da came back. Sibeal being the older of the two stayed behind, was already in the seminary learning how to become a priest.

He taught us the family prayer.

Funny how one thought turns into another, isn't it? Had a sudden memory of Rocco hit me out of nowhere. We were leaving this place called The Sin Bin and he was begging us to teach him the prayer. I flat out told him no; it was my father's father's before him, it was ours. Murph feels so guilty about Roc but he doesn't know I feel just as guilty as him. Guess I hide it better than him. Never told anyone, not even in confession, but I wanted Roc to be in this with us just as much as Murphy did. He asked me for one thing, to teach him the prayer and I denied him that. Every one of those fuckers we put on their knees, we'd say it and Roc would just be there on the sidelines watching everything unfold.

I should've told him.

I should've told him the prayer, should've told him what it meant to us, what it meant to Sibeal, what it meant to our family. The last time we ever said it with Rocco in the room with us was the night he was killed, after we righted his chair. Roc should've been there, with us, saying it with us, in the courtroom when we had Yakavetta on his knees. We knew he was there in spirit but it just wasn't the same, you know?

I should've told him. His one request from us, from me, and I denied him that.

I sometimes wonder what kind of person our grandfather was. Da never talks about him or the kind of man he was. Sibeal has to tell us if we have questions about that side of the family. So far the only thing we were able to get was that his name was Jacob and that he and Da went to America for a better life. You know the American Dream and all that. He worked with leather but we don't know anything about how he died.

Other than his name and what he did, me and Murph are completely in the dark. Murph thinks that Da is just a private person; perhaps he's right but you shouldn't hide things from your family, especially your children. God forbid either of us has kids, I won't deny the things we did or hide the truth from them.

I remember when we were growing up, when we were finally able to sit still long enough to pay attention in church, Ma would make us stay late after Sunday service so Sibeal could teach us the family prayer. He drilled it into us until we had it memorized. He would make us promise to say it every night before bed and if we didn't he'd know about it.

"The Lord speaks to me, he tells me when you've said your prayers and when you haven't. He tells me about the scrapes you get into and when you talk back to your mother. Promise me that you'll try to do better this week. I don't want to hear about blasphemy from either of you in Confession, understand?"

Another funny thing that I remember growing up with a priest for an uncle is how his little speeches on blasphemy suddenly turning into lectures on sins of the flesh. Sometimes it would feel like he was standing behind the pulpit when he'd lecture us, other times the lectures would come when he'd pick us up from school or was taking us home after church.

I'll never forget when we were 16, just to screw with Ma and Sibeal, Murph went around telling everyone his girlfriend at the time was pregnant and that they were gonna get married just before she popped. I take that back, Murph says he was gonna marry her while she was in labor. Either way when Ma found out she tore a path through town hunting him and his girlfriend down, ready to tear his head clear off his shoulders. Found the pair of 'em at some cake shop talking about cakes, flavors, all that wedding shit most women get in some kind of mood over.

Ma yanked him out of the chair by his shirt collar and dragged him out of the shop by his ear. Caused a huge fucking scene in front of God and everyone when she literally booted his ass all the way home. The little shit couldn't sit for two weeks without being in pain.

Found out later it was all one big joke the two of them had been planning for weeks. It was all a rouse just to see how we'd all react. From what I heard, her parents forced her to take a pregnancy test and when that came back negative they carted her off to the doctor's just to be sure. They broke up not too long after that. She went all psycho on him when she found out he wasn't all that interested in marriage. Turns out she was taking all the wedding planning seriously and was turning into one of those bride-zillas you see on t.v. these days.

I'll wrap this up for now, me and Murph are gonna meet Saoirse at The Anvil and do some catching up. Apparently she has something she wants to tell us. Hopefully it's nothing bad; don't think I can really take any more bad news after seeing that boy's body a few days ago.

It's been at least a week or two since I started writing this; Saoirse's knocked up and has to quit drinking for the next nine months. She said as soon as the baby is born she wants a bottle of whiskey. Don't think the doctors would let her start drinking in the hospital but we promised her to take her out when the baby's old enough to be left alone for an hour or two with her husband. I know we keep repeating the same words over and over, I'm sure you're tired of reading 'em but Saoirse really wants you to come out here. Not just so she and Ma could have a drinking buddy on the weekends but she thinks you're good for us.

Guess we've told her quite a bit about you, she probably knows you better now than we do. She's a betting woman, our cousin. She's betting that if you were here now that me and Murph may not be so damn miserable. It's not so much the loneliness that's killing us, it's the not knowing. Not knowing if Smecker's keeping his word in seeing that you get these, not knowing if you're even still alive to read these. If I had known now what I didn't know then about that night at Papa Joe's I never would've put us in that position. I never would have closed that door in your face.

I'm scared.

Times like this I wish we had more than that one night together. You remember the night I mean, right? The bathtub. Just you and me, laying our cards on the table. Murph doesn't even know what all happened that night, all he knows is that the next morning it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Like I could finally breathe again.

There's so much uncertainty right now and I don't know if I can take much more of it. You of all people know I like being control, know how I like to know what's going to happen next, that everything will work out in the end and that everyone will be alive and safe.

Please, just send a note or something telling me that you're alive at least.

Connor