She wasn't going to make it to her room. Shit. Nothing like a public breakdown to inspire the confidence of her crew, especially for the two new ones. Kasumi and Thane stood behind her in the decon chamber. She leaned forward on the door and rested her head against the cool metal while the procedure ran.
"Shep? Are you ok?" Kasumi's voice sounded oddly far away.
The sweat dripped off her nose tip. She was beginning to suspect this pain wasn't just a migraine… she could feel the stares of the two behind her, burning a hole in her back. Wait, it wasn't just her back, her skin was on fire. Everywhere. Shepard reached up and undid a clasp on her chest armor at the shoulder. If only the goddamn door would open, she could get to her room and take a lovely cold shower. The thief spoke again, but focusing on her words was too difficult. Finally, the door opened to admit them into the Normandy.
"Oh, sweet Valhalla!" She exclaimed loudly and stumbled through the airlock, bouncing off the pilot's chair as she continued wrestling with her armor clasps. Joker jumped up, holding his arms out in case he needed to grab her. He looked imploringly at Kasumi, who shrugged.
"What in the hell is going on, Shepard?" He wanted to reach out but also didn't want to endure a broken bone. His hands hovered around her.
"Commander Shepard's vitals are elevated, her inner temperature is reaching critical levels. I recommend the sick bay immediately." EDI's voice sounded oddly calm in the heightened atmosphere.
Crewmen dodged her as she stumbled around, tearing at her hard suit.
"I'm fine, really, I just need to get this armor off and get in the shower. My skin is crawling. Tell Ash to turn the cold water on for me." The chest piece finally hit the ground, followed quickly by a pauldron, as she lurched down the neck of the ship and into the CIC. Scrabbling hands managed to zip down the upper part of her under suit. Huh. Why did Joker look so alarmed?
"It's okay buddy, I've had worse. You know of all people…" she reached to pat his shoulder and missed. The crew in the CIC were speaking so loudly, why was it so loud in here? A scaled green hand settled over her's as she struggled to pull more pieces off.
Mordin came out into the room, took one glance at Shepard, and rushed over with his scan program activated. "The Commander has a fever of 106.7, move her to the med bay at once!" He stuck a finger out and pulled back a flap of under suit at her neck. The skin was blooming a rash, red and angry. "Hurry!"
Shepard mumbled something and pushed Thane off of her angrily. He stumbled into the ship map and she crash landed in a crewmen's chair.
"Commander Shepard, please, we need to get you to the sick bay!" Mordin reached out to pull her up, but she flinched.
"Stay the fuck away from me, Finch!" She hollered.
Thane's brow furrowed. "Has she had Red Sand?" He and Joker stared at Kasumi.
"Not while I've been with her. You should ask Garrus or Tali."
"Quickly, restrain her." Mordin ran for the elevator.
Thane approached her again as she stood.
"Oh, no you don't hot lizard man! Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!" She crouched in a ready stance.
"Forgive me, Shepard." Thane easily overwhelmed her, even though she got in a good knee to his abdomen. He spun her, locked her arms behind her back, and kicked a leg out from under her. The Commander hit the ground on one knee and struggled against his hands for a few moments before collapsing forward, limp, hair surrounding her face. A loud sob escaped her and the room instantly went silent.
"I'm sorry! Please! Don't kill them, don't kill them. PLEASE, take me instead." Thane dragged her from the floor into his arms and made for the elevator door Mordin was holding open. As the trio disappeared behind it, the CIC could still hear Shepard's cries for mercy. It was deadly quiet for many minutes as crewmen stood shell-shocked, unsure if they should return to their duties.
Kasumi turned to Joker. "That was something no one was meant to ever hear, wasn't it?"
Joker's ashen countenance and downcast eyes were all the confirmation she needed.
A loud crash from above had woken him from a dreamless, drug induced sleep. Confused, Garrus stood and tried to shake the grip unconsciousness had on him. Crashing shouldn't be happening. Something was wrong. He blearily made his way into the mess hall and looked at his omni-tool. 0300 ship time. No wonder no one was in here. The lift whirred to a stop and from behind the wall popped Mordin and some Drell he'd never seen, carrying a wailing Shepard towards the infirmary.
"What in the hell is going on?!" Garrus followed them as they rushed past. Mordin pointed at a bed and the Drell laid her down on one of the beds.
The Salarian sat at Chakwas's console and began typing. "Vakarian, was Shepard exposed to Red Sand on assignment with you?"
Garrus's brow plates drew together as he tried to concentrate through the haze on their run through the Eclipse warehouse. "There were Minagen crates in the warehouse. I didn't see her spend more than just a few seconds in the toxin, though…." The Drell was gently stroking his hand through her hair while she was still sobbing openly, tears streaming down her face. Garrus was rooted to the floor, eyes transfixed. He'd not once seen her cry, and he had seen her splayed clean open with injuries. The heaving noises that came from her chest were threatening to bring answering noises from his own.
"Mordin, what's happening? I've never seen her like this. Spirits, the sounds…."
"Minagen x3 very dangerous. Shepard likely more exposed than you thought. She is hyperthermic - body temperature is dangerously high. Quickly, pull the cooling blankets from that cabinet, cover her," Mordin instructed.
The Drell was much quicker than him. The added processing time it took to focus through the narcotics meant he'd merely taken a step before the other man had the blankets out of their packaging and tucked around her slight form. Guilt, anxiety, and fear were clawing for dominance as they pushed through the painkiller mist in his brain.
A disheveled Chakwas strode into the bay and paused upon seeing the Drell. At least she was just as confused as Garrus. "EDI informed me of the emergency Professor." The Doctor turned and waved her hands at the two men. "The rest of you, out!"
In the mess, a small crowd had gathered, even though Dr. Chakwas had set the windows to privacy. Garrus stood next to the mysterious Drell, feeling completely out of sorts after hearing Shepard's gasps, his sub vocals haywire. Miranda, Jacob, Kasumi, Tali and even Jack were milling about. Why were they looking at him? Even the Drell's gaze was boring into the side of his head. He squelched his instinctual noises. Tali came up to him.
"Keelah, what happened, Garrus?"
"Mordin said she was over exposed to Minagen at that warehouse… I know we hit some crates in the firefight, but I didn't exactly see her bathing in the stuff. Did you, Tali?"
"No, she was forced to take cover in the clouds because there weren't better places, but I didn't think it was for too long. Not with suit scrubbers, at least!"
Garrus contemplated. "She was complaining about her suit seals in the armory the day before."
Miranda sucked in a breath. "Jacob? What the hell?"
The man furrowed his dark brows. "Hey, I replaced the seals on her set three times since we got back from Horizon! Don't give me that crap, Miranda."
The XO got right in his face. "I'll give whatever crap I want to someone who is actively sabotaging two years of my hard work in there!" She stood with both hands on her hips. Jacob's face contorted and his mouth opened to defend himself.
Jack jumped up and slammed two biotically charged hands onto the table. "You are all a bunch of fucking stupid ASSHOLES!" Jacob and Miranda both flinched.
"How have you not noticed all the weight she has lost just in the weeks since I got here?! What is wrong with you! OF COURSE HER SEALS WON'T FIT. THE ENTIRE SET IS TOO BIG. Holy shit! All you people see is the 'Savior of the Citadel' the 'Butcher of Torfan'! Like she's some infallible soldier robot who is gonna save us all! Fuck you!" The biotic shook, her hands fisted. "Jacob stands around moonie eyed at the Alliance legend he worships, Miranda doesn't give an actual shit about anything, and just lets her prize puppy run around without paying any attention to it, and worst of all is the god-damned skull face!"
Garrus jerked his head up.
"Yeah, I'm talking to you, bird boy! Shepard said you were her best friend, and all you did was bitch and moan about her on Horizon and sulk in the Battery! You need to pull your heads out of your collective asses - she's the Captain of this ship! She can't just whine when she's hurt or when she is overwhelmed. It's a fucking cold day in hell when I'm the only one watching her. The Commander is trying to keep morale up on a fucking suicide mission! Jesus fucking Christ." Jack stormed off and left behind a muted atmosphere.
Kasumi shifted uncomfortably. "Well, that was as good an introduction as any, welcome to the Normandy, Thane Krios."
It was two days before the Commander was up and about outside the med bay. Miranda had called shore leave for the crew while they were docked on Illium, but there were a lot of bodies out in the mess sitting around the resurfaced Specter. Garrus was leaning in the shadows of the hall to the battery, watching her chat happily with Kasumi, Tali, and Jack. She seemed the same as usual, maybe pale, but still laughing and making crude jokes. Spirits, he was being an idiot, the crazy biotic wasn't wrong. He said he'd be here to watch her six but going round and round with the stims and the painkillers was just turning him into a useless liability. But the thought of dropping the meds made his stomach turn. At night, behind his eyelids, he was face to face with his failures on Omega. And even more recently, his thoughts were more and more preoccupied with her. Even though they had fought in the armory, that evening - before the meds kicked in - was a disturbing dream of five fingers, pillowy, un-turian lips adorned with a ring, and a very un-turian rounded rear end…. Though it was quickly and rudely interrupted by the memory of familiar bodies under sheets, and a crushing weight of guilt on his carapace that forced him up from his bunk.
That had been new. Alarming. Unprofessional. And definitely solidified Jack's words. Some friend he was turning out to be. He hadn't noticed anything about her losing weight, about her armor fit… it was hard to pay attention when it was all he could do to hold the scraps of his own reality together. Garrus dropped his head into his palm. He really didn't need more guilt, whatever was going on with him needed to stop. All of it. Ever since she pulled that helmet off on Omega and his stomach had done flips… no. If he was honest with himself, there was a weird, drunken ember that sparked way back during their time on the SR1, down an alley after a night of celebrations - a cinder that burned strong and created grief anytime he'd thought about her over the two years she was gone.
Krios walked through the mess, pulling him from his revelation. He'd stopped at the counters to prepare himself a cup of tea. Garrus watched as Shepard's eyes followed the Drell's orbit around the room and then back down the hall to life support.
Shepard couldn't contain a smile at the surrounding crewmen. They were quietly displaying their support for her with their bodies. Everywhere she had slowly ventured over the past few hours of freedom had seen a crewman coming up to her, asking to help or just chatting. The melt down she'd suffered on the CIC was probably exceedingly embarrassing, so thank GOD she didn't remember anything after the return trip to the ship. But whatever she had said or done, it seemed to break the ice between her and the Cerberus crowd running the Normandy. Even Miranda had been gentler during the debriefing for the last two missions. Shepard walked through the door into engineering.
"Oh, the Commander is visiting us lowly recruits again! When are you going to take me up on that Skyllian 5 game, Shepard?" Kenneth called out.
"Ken, the Commander has better things to do than play games with you." Gabby was always right behind him, reeling in his forwardness.
Shepard crossed her arms and tapped a finger on her chin. "Let's do it tonight? In the lounge. I'll let Kasumi know we are invading. I'm on light duty for two more days, so now's the time."
"Yes! I'll bring the bourbon. You're goin' down, Shepard!" Kenneth's enthusiasm was contagious. Even Gabby laughed.
"How about you, Tali, up to drinking with an old friend?" Shepard waved her over.
"I don't know, am I expected to keep up? I nearly died trying to keep pace with you on the Citadel." Suddenly, she gasped loudly. "Did you leave with Chellick?! That night after Saren?! You disappeared right after he showed up on the dance floor!" Tali rushed up and grabbed her by the shoulders.
"Whoa, that's an excellent memory considering how drunk you were. How about this, I'll kiss and tell tonight at the game? I've gotta get planet-side and buy a new armor set. Miranda will beat my ass if I don't." She extracted herself from her friend's grasp. "That's why I came down, to see if any of you have a requisition list for me."
"No Commander, those flex couplings were just the ticket, but if we think of anything, we will message you," Gabby answered.
"Alright then, I'm off. Toodles!" Shepard turned to leave.
Tali called after her. "Run all you want, I'm asking again tonight! Don't bet on me forgetting!"
"Do you think after a Cerberus rebuild I should be able to pump music directly into my brain? Like, I have advanced cyber hearing. I should be able to tap into that to listen to music, right?" Shepard was back in her motto jacket and jeans.
"Not that I don't love our weird little conversations while you wait for the airlock to cycle, but do your crazy thoughts just spin around in there? How do you choose which one to pluck and unleash on me?" Joker was tapping on the console in front of him .
"Whichever one I think will get a rise out of you. What do you do up here when we are parked, anyway? You realize you have shore leave, right?" Why was he avoiding eye contact today? "You also realize I discourage jerking off in the cockpit. That's not a literal name… and we are docked at a planet full of Asari?" She had fully turned from the airlock to face him. He was still stoically tapping at the console.
"Planet. Full of Asari. Are you even listening Jeff? Here I am giving you everything you want in a shore leave."
The pilot nodded and grunted absently before turning his head away from her. Many rife openings ready for the picking and nothing. She needed to figure this out. "EDI, initiate protocol '1984'."
"Yes, Commander," the AI responded. "I have disabled all recordings in the cockpit for 20 minutes. Protocol in effect."
The blast shield for the helm slammed shut and the airlock mechanism quieted.
He jumped at the noise and turned his chair to gawk. "What in the hell Commander?"
Shepard braced a combat boot next to his head on the headrest. She pushed in and tilted him back slightly as she leaned forward, caging him with her body. He stiffened with his knuckles white on the armrests, eyes large, mouth open.
"What did I say, Flight Lieutenant Moreau?" She kept her face a mask, tone low.
"What?" His brows knit.
"In the CIC that day. I must have said or done something."
Joker let out a breath, pulled his cap up, and ran a hand through his hair. Back to not looking at her.
"Spit it out, Lieutenant. I know something happened. I've got precious few friends left in this fucked up universe, but you are here. I'm hoping because of that, and not because of your guilt. I rely on you to tell me the truth." She leaned in further, arms crossed.
"Alright alright, fine. You fought all of us off trying to help you. Thane got you on the ground and you begged for… begged him to kill you instead of 'them'. You were crying, all the way down to the med bay." He picked at the stitching on the leather.
Shepard's visage softened. "Shit. No wonder everyone is treating me like glass suddenly. Garrus hasn't said two words to me in days, and everyone else is saying too much." She bent her head to catch his eyes. "Joker, there's no way you haven't seen my file. You know I was a street rat who ran with the Reds. It's not that surprising that shit like that happened to me."
"Yeah, well, it's one thing to read it, it's another thing entirely to be confronted with the infallible first Human Specter's dark past."
"My fever induced ramblings can't have been as dark as watching me die."
He crushed his lids closed. "Do we have to do this, Shep?"
"We absolutely do. I'm sick of the eggshells… they grounded you afterwards. What happened?"
"I got you killed, and instead of a trial, I got a psych eval, therapy, medication, and a desk. Then, as a bonus, I got to witness everything we did go to hell! The Council and the Alliance brass denied it all Shepard. The things they said about you on the news…" He covered his face with both hands.
She contemplated him for a few minutes. "Are you scared of me?" She tilted the chair back a bit with her foot to emphasize her control. "I could break you into a thousand pieces at any moment, right?"
"No, I'm not scared of you, Shepard. You wouldn't do that. No matter how much I deserved it." His palms muffled his voice.
"Then why do you keep acting like, at any moment, I'm going to take my revenge on you and blame you for everything? I never did. I told you that." The Commander pulled her leg back and stood. "The Reapers got their revenge on me that day. You were just stuck in the crossfire. If anyone should be sorry, it's me. You've been through the shit since Alchera because of me. I'm so, so sorry, Jeff."
He sat forward with an elbow on his knee and took her hand in his. "Please don't apologize to me, Shepard. My conscience can't handle it."
"It really went all to hell, didn't it?" They were both looking at their joined hands. "Well, there's no one else I'd rather be in hell with. Thank you for being here with me. It wouldn't be right without you."
"Me too, Shep. It's a miracle you're here. Cerberus is okay by me."
It was absolutely wearing her out. It was just a punching bag, but the regression of the whole Minagen thing was painted vividly against it. No matter how hard she was trying to get back to her pre-death physique, it wasn't working. Shepard doubled over, panting in the cargo bay. She really was trying to keep up her caloric intake, but the combination of a biotic's fast metabolism, sleeping meds, and a hell of a lot of stress was making it difficult.
Air disturbed the hairs on the back of her neck as she hunched. In the bay's quiet, she strained her hearing. Nothing. The crewmen on shift in here were in the mess for their lunch hour. She was being watched - well, by more than just EDI. "I know you are there," she called.
"Your observational ability is impressive, Commander." Thane materialized from behind her.
Shepard was still trying to catch her breath. "Nah, sometimes I just say that out loud and get lucky." Oh, did his lip twitch into a smile?
He blinked his double eyelids. "You nearly died, yet you are here, training."
"Yeah well, the Collectors probably won't kick their own asses. So here I am." Shepard straightened and went to the bag. The thudding of her fists remained the only sound again for a few minutes. She could sense his eyes on her. Annoyed, she let out a sigh of frustration and snapped her attention back to him. She'd thought he'd been standing where he was, just watching, but it turned out that he had moved to the footlockers and changed into black, low slung joggers, and lost the rest of his clothing.
Her heavy breathing hid the inhale, luckily. Three things occurred to her in this order. 1) Drell feet look just like human feet, but their toes are webbed. 2) He was staying. Dammit. She really didn't need an audience to her struggles right now. 3) Holy shit. Were all Drell hot? What were the women like? She made a mental note to look it up on the extranet.
He began stretching, and Shepard had to force herself around to stare at the boring bag, cursing under her breath. She vaguely wondered if biotics ramped up libido the same way it did metabolism, or if Garrus set her off weeks ago on that late night encounter and she just needed to deal with it, or if the two new crew mates were just that hot. Shepard shook her head, she was open with herself enough to admit she would gladly let Samara break her in half with her thighs. Yeah, they were that hot. Her fist caught the bag at a bad angle and bent sharply. She hissed and instinctually dragged the offending injury into her chest.
Her noise caused Thane to stand from the climbers he was doing and pad silently up to her. She watched him walk up and reach out a hand. She eyed him, unsure what he wanted. He took her injured wrist and pulled it toward him, unwrapping the tape. She felt like her erratic heartbeat must have echoed through the entire room while he turned it over, his thumbs gliding over the bones and tendons, searching.
"I'm fine. Just tweaked it." She murmured.
"Excuse my forwardness. I am unsure if broken bones are as detrimental to Humans as they are to Drell." He dropped her hand and twined his arms behind his back. "What are you doing here, Commander?"
"Well, I was going to show Garrus how cool my new robo cop armor is, but since he kicked me out to do calibrations,"
"Do you always deflect with humor?" He blinked slowly, his stare boring through her body and out the other side. Thane's calm and direct manner was disarming. She wasn't sure how to answer that. "What is your goal here? Your crew is worried about you and would much rather see you rest, as per your doctor's orders."
"I bet they are. That happens when the CO has an embarrassingly public melt down. But no matter what they think, I need to get back into fighting shape as soon as possible." She began unwinding the tape from her other wrist and knuckles.
"There is nothing embarrassing about suffering the side effects of Minagen x3. You are fallible. You are merely a person, a woman, a mortal being." His words were simple but stripped her down.
He stiffened. "She blazes with reckless abandon, a mere streak of blue. She is ruthless and efficient. Then, she is in front of me - she removes her helmet and my breath is sucked from my chest. Her eyes are shockingly green, intense. Her gaze defiant, her presence large and confident. The smell of salt permeates the air. Her hair is like fire, splayed around her shoulders in the orange light of the sunrise, glowing. Hours later she is in my arms, helpless, small, pale. I have caused her to weep. I am struck by her duality. A weightless wisp who wears a soldier's persona and reputation." His eyes had gone wide, he didn't even blink as he spoke. "Forgive me. Drell easily slip into... solipsism. We have perfect memories, but it is difficult to control at times."
Shepard had stopped unwrapping her knuckles as he spoke. "Huh. That seems useful and horrifying all at the same time."
"You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to have needs. Respect your body's boundaries, Shepard."
"Easier said than done. You said it yourself. Wisp. You should have seen me two years ago, before this whole Cerberus fiasco. I looked a lot more like you. Hard, boxy. The body of a soldier. If I had that back now, the Minagen thing wouldn't have even happened. I'm too slow, too easily worn out. It's going to get me or someone with me killed. Ideally, I don't want to go through that again."
"Commander Shepard looks well for being dead though." The corner of his lip twitched briefly up.
"It's…. a long story. Buy me some whisky sometime and I'll tell you drunkenly all about it." She finished pulling the wrap off and moved over to where her hoodie was laying.
"I would be happy to help you regain your physique. In a… less self-destructive manner, if you would like."
For a split second Shepard wondered if that was a proposition. Nah, wishful thinking. Down, girl. Something in the look she gave him must have given her away because he smiled.
"Ok, let's see what you've got tomorrow Krios. Meet here at 0900."
Shepard walked in the door to Port Observation and received a round of greetings from its occupants, who were all sitting around a folding card table. Kasumi, Zaeed, Ken, Gabby, Tali, and Jack all watched as she spun and marched back out without a word. The Humans all looked at each other, bewildered.
"She's probably going to get Garrus. She'll be back." Tali didn't even look up from where she was already arranging her hand of cards.
"What's her deal with the space raptor, anyway? You knew them before, right?" Zaeed was holding a cigar between his pinky and his glass. He stared at the Quarian. "Fuck buddies… or,"
Tali waved both of her hands in front of her. "Keelah! Please stop there. No, they are not 'fuck buddies,' as you so eloquently put it," she spat. "We nearly died a hundred different times on the SR1. We were all very close by the end of that adventure. Her and Garrus especially. They are brilliant together in combat, you've seen them, haven't you? They don't even need to talk to each other over com." She fit a straw through the opening on the front of her helmet and took a healthy pull from her drink.
Jack nodded. "Yeah, it's kinda freaky. He was pretty quiet on Horizon. Only Shepard's bad jokes and even worse one liners kept us going."
"Quiet? Usually, they are both full of snarky comments and bickering back and forth over whose kill count is higher." Tali put her cards down to fix her gaze on the biotic.
"Hey, whose one liners are bad? I'm hilarious for your information. It's not my fault none of you have seen any good holos." Shepard strode back in and set down a bottle. "Okay Zaeed, I said I'd share. Push your glass over here." Jack and Kenneth pushed theirs over too. She glared at them both. "Hey, this isn't charity, Aria got me this for telling her the mercs were coming after her!" Jack pushed hers a little closer. Ken wore a convincingly innocent look. Her eyes darted between them. "Okay, okay, FINE. But consider this my first round of bets. Do you know how hard it is to find this bourbon?" She poured a finger into each outstretched receptacle. "Fine damn buncha mongrels, all of you."
"Eh, but we're your mongrels, Captain," Kenneth gave a brief salute before slamming his drink back.
Shepard's mouth hung open, and she stared at him wide eyed. "You absolute heathen! At least taste it!" She finally sat and picked up the cards they had dealt her.
"Stop yapping and raise Shepard." Kasumi tapped slim fingers on the bet pile.
An hour of drinking and storytelling later found the thief standing to scoop her winnings toward her again, to the sound of her crew mates cursing and groans.
The Engineer flicked one of his last chits away from him. "This is crap. Who lets a slight of hand expert play Skyllian 5 with us?!"
"Ken, you're just bad at this. Don't blame Kasumi for your terrible poker face." Gabby spoke.
Zaeed frisbee'd his cards to the pile in the middle of the table. "When are we going to play strip poker, anyway?"
"We're not, since Quarians can't play." Shepard smirked and patted Tali on the back. She had been resting her helmet on the table for a while now. "But I feel you, Ken. If Garrus were here, we would have all beat at least one person. He's shit at cards." The Commander stacked her dwindling little pile of chits.
Kasumi grinned. "You've got an obvious tell, Shep. There's no way he hasn't noticed."
"Oh, he aaaaaaalllwways let her win. Him AND Wrex. And I bet Alenko too." Tali refilled her glass from the Turian triple filtered bottle.
"First of all, I do not have a tell." Shepard tipped back the last of her beer.
Gabby giggled.
"Yes, you do, Shep." Kasumi insisted.
"Oh, what is it?"
The thief put on her best shocked face. "I'm not stupid enough to tell you!"
Shepard took a long drag and finished the stub of a cigar Zaeed had let her have. She stamped it out in the ashtray at the center of the table. "Second, Tali, I'm hurt. That implies that Garrus also lets me win on the battlefield, and we all know that's not true. He's too much of a sore loser. I didn't even know Turian's could pout till I met him."
Tali gasped. "CHELLICK. You have to tell me, Shepard!" The Quarian grabbed her forearm hard. "Did you sleep with him?" If her eyes could sparkle through her helmet…
"Aw Christ, do we hafto do this girl talk?" Kenneth sighed dramatically.
"Aye, shut up, I could stand to hear more." Zaeed leaned back in his chair, arms crossed.
All gazes turned to her, and Jack's eyebrows could have disappeared into her hairline. If she had one. "Who's Chellick?"
Tali stood. "He's the Executor of C-Sec!"
"Geeze, another Turian Shep? You've got a thing, haven't you?" Jack propped one boot on the table ledge.
"ANOTHER ONE?! What! What did I miss?!" Tali was swaying dangerously. Shepard pushed her back down into her chair and opened her mouth to speak.
"Shepard's boinking the bird in the battery." Jack was tugging at a piece of skin around her fingernail.
Tali choked on the sip she'd been taking, and Ken sucked in a loud breath.
"Whoa whoa, okay. Jack, when I said, 'Have you seen their dicks?' I was being a smartass. Tali, no, I didn't sleep with Chellick. This isn't some love boat, soap opera, cruise liner - don't you all have better things to do than worry about my sex life?" Shepard smirked when every person in the room, unrehearsed, shook their head no. "Oh, you are all comedians, let me tell you."
"Alright then, what about Councilor Sparatus?" Jack asked. "If you would do him, you've got a fetish."
"Hey, that's not a fair question. You've seen the news vids, haven't you!" Shepard pointed an accusatory finger at the biotic. Jack shrugged. "If you saw them, you already know how much we argue. Of course I'd have sex with that stupid bastard! That would be the most glorious hate fuck of my life!"
Jack's bark of laughter preceded a room full of chuckling.
Tali turned solemn and stared at the bottom of her glass. "Does that mean you haven't gotten any since before…" She squinted, trying to recall. "Before going after Saren?!"
Shepard dropped her head into her hand, but the corners of her mouth pulled up. "The last thing I need is judgement by someone who could die from letting someone in their suit pants, Tali."
Kenneth stood, put one foot on his chair, and began unbuckling his belt. "I volunteer as sacrifice for this mission, Commander!"
Gabby promptly pushed his leg off, and the drunken idiot hit the floor face first. The room filled with raucous merriment.
"Okay okay, enough of that. Ask Zaeed how many of his girlfriends have tried to kill him. I guarantee that's more interesting than me."
