A/N: Not going to lie, feeling VERY rusty, but I owe it to these girls, and to YOU! All the frustration and brain melts… So worth it. This chapter is kind of a filler, but we need a little calm before the storm, right?
Chapter 14: Back Again
The knock on the door made me jump.
Though Santana had offered to come over to help me out a little… So freaking charming, I may add, I didn't really expect her to show up. Sure, she was probably the sweetest person I had ever met in my life, but I treated her like shit.
That was the understatement of the century.
After my freak out on her in Sugar's spare room, I didn't think she would want to talk to me again. Despite the blindingly obvious crush she had on me, everyone had to have a breaking point, right? They had to. It was human nature.
Perhaps that could add to the apparently never ending list of great things that came with Santana's good nature. The girl must have been a saint, or something. That was literally one of the only explanations I could think of.
"It's open!" I yelled out.
Shrugging back into the beaten couch, I dropped my casted arm down into my lap and starting to pick at the fluff inside of the cast. A dirty habit.
I could hear the careful sound of the door opening and lighty closing, followed by light footsteps towards me from behind the couch.
"You're not trying to get that off, are you? You could end up with some serious complications.."
The soft voice pulled a small half smile onto my face.
Oh, how I had missed her.
"Nah… Can't be a cripple forever, can I?" I mused back, turning myself around on the couch to look up at her.
She looked smaller than I remembered her, perhaps. But it always took me a little by surprise whenever I saw her. Maybe it was the way my brain was starting to see her as larger than life.. Which was bizarre seeing as though she never used to be even a blip on my radar. Nothing but a little bug I enjoyed to squash now and again for my own amusement.
A bug that I had now kissed. The memory flashed back into my mind as my eyes flickered down to her lips.
It happened barely a week ago, but I couldn't remember what she had tasted like.
I didn't allow myself to.
"Surprised you could remember how to get here, now you're sober," I mused, flashing Santana a toothy grin and gaining myself a smile back. And with it, a sudden wash of calmness inside of myself
Finally.
"You are not in any place to judge me…. Look what you did to yourself," She indicated to my arm, a slight and pointed rise to her eyebrow.
"Hey," I furrowed my brow and pouted, "Low blow… This fucking hurts,"
Santana's smile could have lit up a room as she walked around the couch to sit next to me, without skipping a beat before gently taking my casted arm into both of her hands to look at it. I wasn't sure what she was looking for.. Maybe checking to see if my picking had damaged it yet, or probably (and more likely) checking to see if it was casted correctly. I wouldn't have put that past her.
"Poor baby," She sympathetically pouted, the endearment slipping off her lips ever so delicately.
It was almost as though my panic incident had never happened.. And I wasn't sure whether I liked that or not. But I did appreciate her not approaching the subject.
She really was smart.
"Next time, you will think twice before you ride with a hangover,"
I scoffed, shaking my head a little in amusement. I deserved that. Sure, she didn't really know the extent of why I had gotten my injuries, but she didn't need to.
We were left in a heavy silence. Even out of the corner of my eye, I could see Santana studying me with those large, doe-like eyes. She wanted to say something… And I really hoped it wasn't about our unspoken of situation. She knew better than that… I hoped.
"Britt?"
"Hmm?"
"We need to move your motorcycle."
My forehead dropped in a wrinkle as I looked back up at her, a little confused about where that had come from. It wasn't what I expected her to say, after all.
"What?"
"Your motorcycle. It's still in the middle of the complex parking lot. We should probably move it into your garage space before someone complains, if they haven't already. It's been a week,"
That made sense.
"Oh… Yeah, sure,"
Pulling my hand out of her lap, I stood up and we started to make our way down, out of my apartment and into the parking lot. Nothing about me had really changed from the past week, but I felt as though I had more energy now that Santana was here.
The weight of thinking that she hated me was lifted from my shoulders.
At least, until she would no doubt want to talk to me about it all. I wouldn't have put it past her at all.. She was a woman who alway wanted answers. Everyone knew that.
When we finally reached the bike, where she lay forgotten on the pavement, I let out a soft sigh. It didn't seem too damaged.. A little scuffed up and dented, but she definitely looked better than I feel.
Reaching down to grab the handle bars, I tried to start pulling up back up onto the wheels. An instant shock ran through my arm, under the cast. I winced at the burning pain, trying my best to work through it. At least, until I felt the weight of the bike taken from me.
"Hey, let me help," Santana's soft voice broke through to me as she moved the handle bars out of my hands.
I could see that she was struggling with the weight of the beast, being that she was so small. But true to form, she had the bike up, and started to push it over to the covered garage areas. It couldn't have been easy for her, especially when I noticed that the from wheel was bent.
"You… So owe… Me for this," Santana huffed as I gestured towards where my area was, my locked tool boxes surrounding a small parking space.
"Noted," I smirked, kicking out the stand as soon as the motorcycle was in a more appropriate place.
I sighed, surveying the bike with a small shake of my head. Truly, seeing it made me feel more stupid now. If anything, I was just thankful I let my upset get the best of me in the parking lot and not on the main streets.
"C'mon… Let's go back in before I get really fucking depressed,"
"Is it going to be hard to fix" She asked as we head back to my apartment.
"Nahh," I shrugged when we reached the still open door, stepping to the side and placing my good hand on the small of Santana's back to let her inside first.
What the fuck was that?
When I realized what I had done without even thinking, I whipped my hand back and just tried to imagine that Santana hadn't noticed a thing.
But that didn't stop my fingers from burning.
"Uhh.." I stumbled over my words when I noticed that I had stopped mid-sentence, "Front wheel is screwed up.. And then the painwork. Shouldn't be too much of a fix, but I can't do anything right now… Can't even work,"
I grumbled a little as I kicked the door lightly closed behind us, before fishing a cigarette out of the packet on the arm of the couch.
"That's what I deserve for being a fucking idiot,"
Santana watched me as I sat down on the couch and lit up my cigarette, before perching lightly on another chair.
"You're not an idiot," She insisted, a softness to her eyes, "You did a stupid thing, but you're not an idiot,"
That certainly wasn't something I heard every day. It felt nice, knowing that someone thought that my actions didn't really make me. I liked how everyone at school saw me, and how they didn't mess with me, but it did get a little tiresome with everyone always thinking the worst of me. Not that I really gave them any other option.
Not that I cared before. But Santana did change a lot about me.
"How's your hand feeling?"
I smiled gratefully, taking one last drag of my cigarette before putting it out. I hadn't even noticed that she had been sitting in silence through the whole time it took me to smoke it.
I'd just been more thoughtful lately.
"Hurts," I replied with a mock pout, getting myself a small smile in return.
It wasn't a lie. It did hurt, and Santana knew that.
"Have you taken any pain medication?"
"Oh fuck no.. That shit makes me drowsy,"
"Brittany!," Santana sent me a look, "You need to take it! It's supposed to make you drowsy so you can sleep and get better!"
I let out a groan, sinking into the pillows beside me. I should have really seen this coming.
"Whisky works just fine…"
"You have to take it, Britt! No drinking.. Where is it? I'm getting it for you,"
With a grown, I gestured towards the kitchen counter, where the unopened bottle of pills still sat. The girl instantly stood up to pick up the bottle and read probably every piece of text on it before she was satisfied enough to find a glass and fill it with water.
"Why don't you want to feel better?" Santana asked me quietly, returning to sit next to me on the couch and holding out the pill.
"I dunno. I kinda deserve it,"
Popping the pill into my mouth with a grimace, I took hold of the glass being offered to me.
"You got into an accident. You shouldn't blame yourself for that,"
Swallowing the water instantly felt like a bitter process. I had lied all my life, to just about everyone and anyone without really caring at all. But this was different… I felt awful for it.
"Not exactly…"
Her eyes practically pierced into me as I took another gulp of water… Followed by another, until the glass was empty and placed to the side of the couch. Forgotten.
"I don't understand,"
I knew I had to tell her the truth. I owed her that.
"I uhh.. After you left Sugars I kept kinda crying.. Including when I was driving home and yeah.. There you go."
My eyes dropped to my cast as I started to pick at the fuzz once again. I was embarrassed to admit that I cried. People like me? We didn't cry. Must less, admit it to someone else.
"Wait, you…you c-cried?" Santana asked, sounding completely confused. "So, I-…you were upset with me, and that is why you crashed?"
Even without looking up at her, I could see how her brows were furrowed in a deep worry, a heavy frown etched on her face.
"I'm sorry, Brittany."
She blamed herself. For the kiss, for my freak out. For me being hurt.
I knew that she would.
"Wait no! Well… Shit, I was upset but I was upset with myself. I was freaking the fuck out riding home and then I crashed… But I was fine. 'Till I got back in here and punched that wall." I admitted softly, nodding towards the wall behind Santana that I had broken her hand on.
There wasn't even a mark or anything.
"I told you it wasn't your fault. I was just.. I don't know. It was me being stupid."
"I-…but…why were you upset with yourself?" Santana sounded completely confused. "Why were you freaking out?I shouldn't have kissed you. You say it's not my fault, but then you don't know why you freaked out so much…"
She was shaking her head as she wheeled off word after word, her breath starting to pick up. Santana looked strained, that cloudy, part panicked look that I had seen before. It made my chest ache.
Shit.
"Hey, hey, please don't freak out." I insisted, scooting across the sofa to get closer to Santana, feeling her warmth. Too warm. I lifted my uninjured hand to gently brush dark hair behind Santana's ear before lightly stroking her cheek with my thumb.
"It's okay. I promise."
I watched her eyes close slowly as she leaned into my touch. Whatever I was doing, it seemed to be helping her, her breath coming lower and deeper. I seemed to help her just as much as she helped me… And it did make me feel a lot less useless.
With one last deep inhale, Santana's eyes fluttered back open to look over at me. We were so close, I could see every soft line of her face.
"I'm sorry, I-…I'm fine." She tried to assure me, though I wasn't really believing it "I just…I'm stupid…I messed everything up."
"Santana,"
Just as I expected, my use of her actual name snapped her attention back onto me and just me. Her mouth hung open for just a second before her lips closed in a soft pout.
"Stop your goddamn worrying. I actually kissed you, remember? But whatever... What's done is done."
As though it were like she was just realizing that for the first time since it happened.. When she was quite obviously blaming herself, Santana visibly relaxed.
It happened so slowly, but apparently too fast for me to stop it. Santana's body fell against mine, her head resting gently against the crook of my neck. I could feel the warmth of her torso against my side, and the soft breath from her mouth tickling at the column of my neck.
Acting as though it were alien to my being, my body relaxed alongside hers, feeling so easily into her embrace as her arm wrapped around my middle to keep me there.
"Why were you so angry?"
I clicked my teeth against my lip ring for a few moments before my mouth could even formulate a response. It did come easier, now.
"I was angry at myself.. I really don't know what else to tell you because I don't know.."
My voice sounded serene and out of place for me, but I was calm. All of the confusion inside myself seemed to subside. Still there, of course, but I didn't have a care for it. I didn't't want it to beat me again. Not right now.
"Okay," She replied quietly, as though she was admitting defeat to the conversation. My head fell to the side to perch on top of hers.
"I'm sorry, I'm cuddling you again."
Her apology made me let out a small chuckle.
"It's all good…"
I felt and probably felt awkward, but I didn't hate it. It actually made me feel kind of good. I hadn't really had anyone to be this close to before. My friends weren't exactly the cuddling types… And neither was I. Until Santana, anyway.
You know c-cuddling is scientifically proven to lower stress and blood pressure."
I let out a soft laugh. I felt light, and without pain for probably the first time in a week. Suddenly, I did feel a little foolish for not taking those pills sooner, but I wasn't really known for making the good decisions that I needed to.
I was just glad that Santana came over to help. That she didn't hate me.
"Thank you.. Y'know, for coming over… I didn't think you would wanna talk to me again."
"I thought about not talking to you again.." Santana admitted to me after a beat, her voice small and sad, her fingers playing loosely with the shirt at my waist.
"Why did you?"
"You're not a bad person.. And I don't think people give you enough of a chance to prove that… I don't want to be like everyone else and shut you out,"
It brought a lump to my throat. I had to blame the pills.
"I am still afraid, you'll freak out on me again, or not want to be friends suddenly anymore or something." She continued, "I don't want to not talk to you, Brittany,"
"I do want to be friends. You're the first person I've felt bad about being an ass to,"
I felt her laugh lightly against me, my skin feeling a little… Floaty. Tingly.
"You seem to have a lot of exceptions when it comes to me.."
"I told you."
We sat in silence for a while, and with my eyes closed, I felt myself start to sway where I sat. I hadn't really slept solidly for a while. Now it was the opposite. I was fighting to stay awake, where my head lay on Santana's.
"Britt… Brittany?"
The voice sounded groggy to me.
I let out a hum as I forced my eyes open, sitting back on the couch and reluctantly away from Santana's embrace.
"Huh?"
"I said I have to be going.. It's getting late and I have a study session in the morning,"
I must have dozed off if I hadn't had heard her. She didn't seem to mind.
"Oh yeah… Okay," I mumbled, watching Santana stand up before stretching out a little and following suit. A little wobbly on my feet.
"Thank you for coming to see me.. I.. yeah. I like hanging out with you."
Though she was walking towards my doorway, I could see the crinkle of her dimples from a smile. She did have a nice smile.
I dragged my feet to follow her, watching Santana open the door and step into the doorway before turning around. The flat palm of my good hand rested against the frame as we looked at one another.
It got awkward.
Was I supposed to hug her, seeing as we were just kind of cuddling? Is that something that friends did when they said goodbye.
She started at me back, her eyes flickering down to my lips for just a moment, and I could only imagine what kind of dilemas she was having herself. I didn't want to think about that right now.. I wasn't exactly feeling as though I was in a sober state of mind, and the last thing I needed was getting my mouth to run. It wouldn't stop and I would say something I regretted later on.
"Well I um… I'll see you later. Have a good sleep." Santana finally chirped up with, before turning on her heel.
"Tomorrow!"
It took a few seconds of watching Santana whip back around to stare at me a little wide eyed to realize that I just shouted loudly at someone who was literally stood a few feet away.
"Come see me tomorrow…. We can have a movie night… Or something. Bring a movie,"
Santana's face instantly sit up into a bashful, pleased smile.
"Okay… A movie night." She nodded, eyes sparkling at the promise that whatever happened between us? It was better now. I wasn't going to storm away from her.
"Looking forward to it,"
When I watched her walk away long enough to finally close my door, I couldn't help but let out a low, dry chuckle as I made my way to my bedroom for some much needed sleep.
Maybe I was going crazy, now.
But it didn't feel all that terrible.
