A/N: Thanks to all who are sticking with me. I have to establish background in order for Serena to speak for herself later on.
This chapter is close to my heart because as a kid, I remember my nephew going through everything Serena is going through (of course, for him it was his idiot cousin's fault :) Happy to report, he is perfect now. Enjoy!
Chapter 5
It was almost an hour later when Elliot was grabbing his jacket to leave the precinct. IAB was not on a witch hunt for once. They got everyone's statement quickly and seemed to ignore the fact that Elliot punched the perp. He called Kathy and told her what happened before she heard it elsewhere. He tried to hold back, but he made a promise to be more open with her so he let it all out. She understood he felt guilty and he hated putting it on her, but they were trying to make their marriage work and honesty was the only way to do that. He was almost out the door when he heard his captain call his name.
"You headed to the hospital?" he asked as Elliot nodded. "Hold on, I'll go with you."
He was preparing himself for seeing Liv. She could never forgive him because he could never forgive himself. All he had to do was keep her little girl safe. They were in a fricken police station and she still got hurt! It was a good thing that Cragen was driving because Elliot's mind was stuck. He was preparing for her anger. He was preparing for the slap across the face, the punch to the stomach, the kick to the shins, the pounding on his chest. He knew Liv could do some damage and he would not even fight back. He deserved everything.
All the preparation in his head did not get him ready for what actually happened. Upon entering the hospital, they were directed towards the burn unit on the fifth floor. The elevator ride up was silent. Elliot didn't even look at Cragen; he set his jaw and steadied himself. He saw her as soon as the doors opened. She was pacing down the hall and hadn't noticed them yet.
"Olivia." Cragen called and she looked up. Elliot didn't recognize the look in her eyes. He was so caught up in the emotions he was expecting that he couldn't read the emotion she was expressing. She locked onto his gaze and came straight for him. He braced himself for the onslaught but what came was even worse. Olivia slammed into him and threw her arms around his neck. Her whole body started shaking but she wasn't crying. It was like she was trying to hold it all in but was failing in stages. He knew no one around them would have any idea of the turmoil she was in, but since her arms were wrapped around him, he felt it all. She rested her chin over his shoulder; the same one her daughter cried on not two hours ago.
"Liv, I'm so sorry" he said over and over as he held her just as tight as she was holding him. He felt her shake her head.
"Elliot, it's not your fault. You know that right?" The words didn't come from Liv, they came from Cragen. "No one blames you."
"He's right." Liv said. "I don't blame you El." She let go and turned her body around to face the captain. "I blame you."
Both men were stunned silent. There was no visible sign of her distress if you looked with your eyes, but Elliot just had her in his arms and he felt it. Her back was facing Elliot, but she kept one hand wrapped around one of his, behind her back. Her voice was unwavering.
"Detective, I.."
"No" she interrupted. "We weren't supposed to be there. I had the day off! Every year, same day but no. You called me in to fix a clerical error that you made. Then, let's see. Liv doesn't have a penis so we'll send her on a call on her day off. So being the only female in the unit is like a punishment, but I went because it's my job." You could hear a pin drop on that floor, only you heard the reverberations from her voice. "My baby was hurt on your watch. This is your fault."
"Listen, Olivia. I understand that…" the captain tried to defend himself and not accuse one of his detectives of insubordination, but again, he was interrupted.
"You need to leave. There are strict rules of visitations in the burn unit and you can't be here." She held his gaze and for a moment, Elliot thought his captain would protest. Instead, he put his hand on Liv's shoulder and he felt her stiffen. Then, Don walked away.
Once the elevator doors closed, Elliot heard Liv let out a sob. He felt her knees go weak so he instinctively turned her around and held her close. He rubbed her back and stroked her hair as she cried into his neck. Her whole body was shaking once again as she could no longer keep up the charade of being brave. He looked over Liv's shoulder and saw his wife coming his way. Hugging his partner was not something he did every day, but he was not inclined to let go. Kathy walked right up to them and whispered.
"Come with me."
Liv was inconsolable at the moment and did not see or hear Kathy approach so she made no move as Kathy began to walk away. She turned back to Elliot, "Bring her this way."
He did as his wife asked. He bent down and scooped Olivia up and that only made her cry harder and latch on tighter which Elliot didn't think was possible. Kathy led them into a private room.
"You can wait in here for Serena to come out of surgery." Elliot sat Liv down on the couch and kept his arm around her. She buried her face in his chest and tried to steady her breathing.
Kathy continued, "As soon as you told me what happened, I came up here to see if I could get any info for you. I know it's none of my business but…"
"Oh my God, Kath. No, that's…that's great. Thank you!" Elliot said.
Kathy smiled and continued. "The doctors have her on oxygen to clear her lungs from the fumes she was breathing from the fireworks. Whatever was used was very toxic and she inhaled quite a lot. The oxygen will also be very helpful in clearing her blood flow, which is necessary with tissue damage." Liv was listening intently but still not looking at her partner's wife. "She has second and third degree burns on her right arm. The doctors are removing the dead tissue as we speak and will treat her with antibacterial creams and bandages. The damage will be assessed later to determine if a graft is necessary. I didn't see it, so I can't speculate."
Liv was looking directly at Kathy now. "What." She cleared her throat. "What will she need? What can I do?"
"Well, I'm not a burn expert but I do know that you'll need to make sure her arm remains still for a couple weeks. She will most likely remain on oxygen, for a few days at least. Infection is a possibility. I'm sorry, Dr. Phillips is really the person to speak to. As a mother, I knew you'd be desperate for any information. She shouldn't be much longer. I told her you'd be waiting in here." Kathy stood up and looked uneasy.
Liv jumped up and pulled her into a fierce hug. "Thank you, Kathy. You didn't have to do that and I appreciate it so much!"
Kathy hugged her back. "If you need anything, call me or just tell Elliot to let me know." With that she smiled, gave Elliot a quick kiss, and walked away.
Liv stood staring at the closed door long after Kathy left. Elliot couldn't remain silent any longer. "You okay?"
She took a deep breath before answering. "I have to be, don't I? She's going to be in so much pain and she'll try not to show it."
"Just like her mom." Elliot said. "I'm sorry Liv. I didn't even know she was hurt. She didn't scream or cry out. I happened to look under the desk to check on her and the look on her face told me everything. She was trying so hard to hold it in when all I wanted to do was scream." Liv turned to look at him again. She did not have the accusatory look in her eyes that Elliot was expecting. The look she did give him let him know that she wanted him to continue.
"I saw her arm and she was breathing heavy and I just grabbed her up. I think I jostled her arm as I was trying to get to the doors and she started crying. Not crying like any other four year old, let alone a four year old in pain. Instead, she like gagged herself with my shirt and wailed that way. No one heard her but me. She didn't want to let go so the EMT's could check her out, so I didn't let her go."
"When she went limp in the ambulance, I thought, 'I'm losing my baby! I'm not going to be a momma anymore so what's the point?' They were getting ready to shock her when she came out of it on her own. She didn't wake up, but she didn't leave me. She's my whole world Elliot." Liv choked back a sob so Elliot grabbed her into a hug and sat her down again. "That sounds so selfish."
"No" he said emphatically. "It sounds like you are a wonderful mother who puts her daughter above everything else in the world. That is the epitome of selfless." Before she could respond, the door opened and a doctor walked in.
"Serena Benson's family?" Liv and Elliot both stood up.
"I'm Olivia Benson, Serena's mother. This is my partner, Detective Elliot Stabler. How is she?"
"Well, she has third degree burns on her forearm and elbow, second degree burns on her upper arm. It looks like her arm brushed over the device so the burns are on the underside all the way up. I don't believe she'll need grafting, but that may change as we see how she heals. She will need extensive physical therapy, pain killers, anti-inflammatories, antibiotics, and love." With that she smiled and it took a moment for Liv to catch up. A small smile flitted across her face. "I am concerned with her breathing. I have her on an oxygen mask right now and she will remain in the trauma room for a few days."
That's all Liv really heard. She stopped listening. Her baby was alive and wouldn't need more surgery and grafts. The rest, they can deal with.
"Ms. Benson?" Dr. Phillips apparently asked a question that Liv was unaware of.
"Detective Benson. I'm sorry." She really hoped Elliot was paying attention.
"Don't apologize Detective. It's a lot to take in all at once. Just know that I'm here to answer any questions later on as well. I just wanted to make sure you understood that she needs her bandages changed twice a day and that will be the most painful. The room temperature is kept at a steady 85 degrees, but when the body's covering is burned away or damaged, even that can cause a patient to be cold because the body is trying to compensate. The IV will prevent a loss of fluids. While healing, we don't realize how much fluid we lose. It's difficult for adults to endure, let alone a child. We may have to sedate her more often than not." Dr. Phillips let that sink in.
When Liv didn't respond, Elliot spoke up. "So, she'll need lots of painkillers and hopefully she'll be out of it most of the time."
"To put it simply, yes" the doctor responded. After the first couple days, her body will adjust, and she should only be in pain if she moves incorrectly and when the bandages are changed. I'm just preparing you since she is your child. There'll be nothing you could do to ease her pain."
-SVU-
It was another hour before Liv was allowed to see her daughter. She had to cover her head, clothing, and shoes with special coverings. Elliot was allowed in as well, but he opted to stay outside to give them time alone. Besides, once inside the trauma center, he could see everything clearly. Serena was in an enclosed glass room that reminded Elliot eerily of a bubble. Liv had to walk through a "cleaning area" before being allowed to be next to the baby. He watched as she tentatively sat down and grabbed Serena's left hand in her own. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, further breaking Elliot's heart. He sat and watched his partner sit and hold her daughter's hand for quite some time before Kathy returned with Dr. Phillips. He knocked on the glass to get Liv's attention and called her out.
"Detective Benson, I was looking over Serena's files and I noticed that you do not have her father listed. In the event of another surgery, specifically grafting or any lung issues, we may need to contact him."
Elliot didn't want to intrude on Liv's private life; at least not right now so he and Kathy went to excuse themselves, but Olivia grabbed his arm. Even with no eye contact, he knew that she did not want to be alone. Besides, he's wanted the answer to this question for years.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Phillips. I really don't know who her father is." As she glanced around the tiny group with inquisitive, or what she felt were accusatory looks, she got defensive. "Look, all I know is that I woke up one morning feeling terrible. My head was pounding and I could barely stand straight. Melinda said I had bruising consistent with rough sex, but honestly, I have no recollection of that, but it wasn't totally out in left field at the time. She also said there were drugs in my system but no alcohol. Whatever happened that night is a mystery, but it gave me my daughter and I don't regret it." She finally looked at Elliot, but he seemed lost in thought.
She felt the need to further explain. "It was embarrassing so I didn't say anything. No, I didn't report it, much against Melinda's advice. Next thing I knew, I was pregnant. I was drugged but not raped. It wasn't my dream to be a single mom, but she's everything." With that, Liv stopped talking.
After a few moments of silence, Kathy spoke up. "Wait. Serena just turned four so we're talking 2004?" When Liv nodded, she continued. "Elliot, I had to take you to the ER with similar symptoms in what, June of that year?"
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