A/N: For this chapter only, italics are Serena's memories as she answers Fin's questions. We hear more of her ordeal so beware of any triggers. As someone with a severe stutter until young adulthood, if I was singing, reading or telling a very familiar story, I sounded just like everyone else. After years of speech therapy, now it only happens when I am nervous. So, when Serena is telling a story as fact, such as specific memories, it's like reading someone else's words, hence no stutter.
Chapter 17
Serena's voice was barely above a whisper, but she didn't stutter once. In fact, she spoke in a monotone as if she were reading a pamphlet. The only sound in the room was the humming of the ac.
"Momma took me to school as usual. I wanted to get there earlier, but we stopped for donuts. Momma was bringing donuts to the station to thank everyone for my birthday gifts. I had a social study test that day on westward expansion and gym, which I hated because I wasn't allowed to play anything other than the square-dancing unit. No one actually likes the square-dancing unit. I waved goodbye to Momma before turning the corner towards homeroom, but I heard a sound. Since we were later than normal, the first-floor c-wing was practically empty. The stairs to the main part of the school are on the other end of the hall. I looked and saw Mr. Reynolds in the janitor's closet.
"I asked, "Are you okay, Mr. Reynolds?" He was really old, and I thought he retired so I was surprised to see him in the closet. He was laying on the floor and some of his cleaning supplies were all over the place. The broom was leaning on him. He said, "Help me Serena Benson, please." That was his thing. He would call all the students by their whole name, so he never got confused. I couldn't leave an old man on the floor, so I walked over to help him. I don't know how I got...I don't remember what happened once I entered the janitor's closet."
She got quiet for a few moments, so Amanda spoke up. "Reynolds wasn't even on our radar since he retired at the end of the year before. No one even thought to question him until what? Six/seven months later? By then his cancer had taken away his speech and most of his reasoning. He died like, two months after that."
Serena wouldn't look up. Not once. She spoke with her head all the way down, practically talking into her stomach. Fin readjusted the recorder. "What's the next thing you remember?"
Serena recounted her first few moments in the underground room. "He kept calling me 'Heaven'. I told him my name is Serena and he got so angry. He called me Heaven the whole time he had me and I had to keep reminding myself in my head that I am Serena Benson. My momma is Olivia Benson and Elliot...is my Elliot. There were days that I almost forgot…" She paused then, and no one dared interrupt this time. Olivia was breathing deeply, trying to keep her tears at bay. She shifted a bit and leaned into Fin who adjusted his position to accommodate. "He, he mmmmm...he cleaned me up and put bandages on afterwards. When he realized that I couldn't breathe most times, he brought down a tank and a mask, but not a cannula. He said to only use them when absolutely necessary but my lungs just kept smelling dirt and gross and….Each time he was gentle when he was done and he took care to make me feel better. It was so dark and cold Uncle Fin…" She was getting visibly upset trying to verbalize and edit. She knew she was leaving out a lot, but she couldn't go there yet.
No one wanted to make her remember anymore, but they needed answers, so Fin changed tactics. "Tell me about Amir Whitlock."
Serena sighed heavily, still not looking up. If anything, she got even quieter. "The Doctor came down one day, I'm not sure how long after, I got used to the dark and if he didn't come every day and open the door, I couldn't see the sky to see what was day or night. He always brought a very bright lantern down with him. He said he met up with a friend who had a great idea on how to make good money on the side. On the side of what, I don't know but then he called up and Amir came down the ladder. He just kept staring at me and smiling. The Doctor told him not to worry, he could fix most anything but don't mess up my face. Then he left! He climbed back up, but Amir stayed. First, he just took pictures, but I was trying to hide my face and he got angry. He wasn't gentle…. After, he put me in different poses and took more pictures and he kept saying that I was going to make him rich because he would use the pictures to get anything he wanted. I don't know what that means though."
Fin stopped her there. He needed her to be specific without feeding the words to her. "Was that the only time Amir took pictures?"
She shook her head into her knee and took a deep breath. "No. The idea was to have these celebrations, like I told you. The Doctor let me up the ladder and brought me to the room. Men would pay to come and, and...They were all screaming and laughing and...all I wanted was to go back alone in the dark! I couldn't move for such a long time afterwards. Amir took pictures of each of the men taking turns. They didn't question what he was doing, at least not in front of me but I heard Amir say one time that one of the men asked for a printout. They thought that was really funny." She stopped talking for a long time.
"Okay" said Fin. "You said The Doctor and Amir came down the ladder. Were you in a basement or some type of cellar?" She shook her head.
He continued. "We were wondering where he may have stashed the photos or the memory card or the laptop, whatever he used to store these pictures. His lawyer said the only thing Amir mentioned was that he 'buried it with the kid.' Do you…" Fin didn't get to finish his question as Serena's head shot up and she looked right into Fin's eyes, hers wider than he has even seen.
When she spoke, she was louder which made everyone flinch a bit compared to the whisper she was using. "I-I-I know where that is Uuuunncle Fffffin. Go out the back of the house." She began to talk faster but not as clear as just a moment ago, like her brain knew it had to get the information out as quickly and concisely as possible. "Turn your body l-left so so so you are facing the point of the mmmmountain in the distance. T-Take 213 steps and sssstop in front of a tree that has has a rrrope ladder wrapped arrrrround the bottom. Stomp around a bi-bit and you will sssstep on the door. Be careful cause cause you break bones when you fall through the open-opening without h-h-holding on. That hhhhurts, trust me. But Unnncle Fin, you you don't have to go down to mmmmmy room. Stand by the ladder and ffface the house. Then turn your body to the right and walk sssstraight 94 steps. There's a p-p-patch of yelllllow flowers there. But if Amir dug to hide the photos, then then the flowers mmmmmight not be there but that's where you dig Uncle Fin. You dig. Please." She was gripping onto Fin's arm as if it were her life line. Her eyes were pleading for him to understand that there was nothing to see in the hole, but she didn't want anyone else to dig up what was buried in the patch.
Of course, he understood. "Don't you worry. I'll be the only one digging up whatever's down there, Baby Girl. I promise you. You did great today, just as I knew you would. We're gonna head on out now, but I have a feeling Elliot is staying." They both looked up at Elliot, who smiled down at Serena and nodded. Everyone began to get up from their positions, but Fin was trapped by the weight of Olivia, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Hey, you okay?" he asked.
Liv seemed to come out of her daze and stood with the rest of the group. Elliot walked everyone to the door and had a few words with Fin and Dodds while she sat on the arm of the couch behind Serena, putting her hands on the girl's shoulders. When the chief turned to thank Liv and say goodbye, he stopped to think better of it when he saw the look on her face. Olivia's grip must have been causing Serena some pain. He could tell by the look on the kid's face, but she said nothing to deter her mother. He turned back and ushered everyone out the door.
Elliot saw the two ladies' position on the couch. Serena was watching him intently, but she did look like she was being squeezed to death. He turned off the ac and opened all the windows once again. He walked over and stood behind Olivia. He squeezed Liv's arms a bit so she eased her grip on Serena and then he wrapped his arms around her and just held on for a while.
-SVU-
Olivia was sweating. She was in complete darkness and couldn't move so she began to thrash around. The nightmare she was having was horrible and she was trapped.
"Momma!" shouted Serena.
"Ow!" shouted Elliot at the same time. "Liv! Liv wake up!" Serena got up from the couch as Elliot tried to wake Olivia without getting a fist to his face. "Liv! Come on, baby. Open your eyes!"
She did. It took her a few moments to separate herself from the dream and realize where she was. After everyone left, Elliot had sat behind her on the couch, but she was stuck on Serena's statement. She must have fallen asleep. She was breathing heavily, and her eyes were darting all around, but once they connected with Elliot's, she immediately began to come back to herself. She let her forehead fall onto his chest. "I'm sorry" she said as she tried not to cry out loud.
Serena never liked seeing her mother upset. Olivia looked so lost to her, scared. She knew how terrifying dreams could be, but she also knew this was all about her and what she told Uncle Fin. She turned and walked out the back door towards the water. She sat down on the beach, just out of the reach of the waves. Suddenly, Bernie sat down beside her.
"Hey there. I saw the car leave, but Olivia and Elliot were sleeping so soundly, and you seemed to be lost in thought and I didn't want to disturb you. What are you doing out here?" she asked.
"Momma had a nnnnight nightmare b-b-because she heard what I told Uncle Fin. She's up-upset over mmmee and El Elliot is with with her. I I I came out here." To Bernie, she looked so sad. She had a pout that reminded her of her son when he was younger. Her wide eyes were glossy with unshed tears. She blamed herself for everything. Bernie put her arm around her shoulders and Serena rested her head on her neck. Other than Olivia and Elliot, she didn't let anyone else touch her.
"Your momma loves you to death, little one. To death. She would take all your pain and bear it alone if it meant you wouldn't have to feel a bit of it. Imagine hearing whatever she heard about your daughter whom you loved like that. Or even hearing that about your momma. It's not you who gave her a nightmare that upset her. It's what was done to you that did it. She wants to know everything sweet pea. Elliot always said the first step in healing is to talk about what's hurting. You've taken that first step and no matter how anyone reacts, it's all good." Bernie felt Serena shake a little, but no tears flowed, and she didn't say anything else. They both stared at the ocean.
It didn't take long for Liv to come back to herself, so Elliot let her go. Thank God she didn't cry this time. She mentally started to compartmentalize all of the emotions running through her. She saw things like this every day, but when it was your child... Bernie said she felt that Serena needed to see Liv get emotional, but Jesus! Elliot pulled her in for a kiss on her forehead. She matched eyes with him. Yeah, that was something else she had to figure out.
"I know" was all he said, as if reading her mind. The sat for a few moments longer before getting up and walking outside. They saw Serena and Bernie down by the water.
"El? I think we are going to stay here for more than a few days. That is, if it's okay with your mom. And you?" she asked looking up at him questioning.
"Liv, you two can move in if you want! Mom will love it, and frankly so would I. I was serious about what I told Rico you know. Stay as long as you want." he stated matter-of-factly as he led her down to the water.
And she did know. Moreover, she was seriously considering it seeing how much Serena loved being out here and how she already felt about Bernie. She didn't have to be a shrink to know the feeling was mutual all around. She was surprised by that knowledge. Being a cop is all she's ever known, but Serena wasn't going to just "get over this." She had a long, hard road ahead of her and Liv wanted to be there for every second of it. To help her through in any way she could. If that meant retirement and leaving the city, then that's exactly what she would do. And knowing Elliot would do the same in a heartbeat… Speaking of Elliot, she remembered something.
"Oh, by the way. I am NOT 'baby'. Sweetie, honey, even luv like the English say will do in a pinch, but not baby" she said with a smirk and she jogged ahead, leaving Elliot to ponder that.
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