A/N: There is a light coming for my favorite detectives, just not in this chapter.
Chapter 19
It was 4am when Serena opened her eyes. She slept but was still so very tired, right down to her bones. She knew Liv was right in what she said earlier. She really did need to let her body relax and sleep instead of pushing it to its limits and passing out from exhaustion, only to wake a few short hours later. What no one understood was just how dangerous closing your eyes could be. People can do so much to you while you are unconscious! Plus, she didn't want to miss anymore of, well, anything. Despite how tired she was, she couldn't roll over and go back to sleep. She was being squished actually. Hmmm, she slept better squished. Go figure! One of them forgot to leave the light on so Serena was trying to make out everything in the dark. She must learn to leave a reminder that the dark is not good. She turned her head to the side and found her mother was breathing so close that her bangs were moving each time Liv exhaled. She also had her arm wrapped around Serena's chest which put weight on her bruised ribs. Couple that with Elliot's arm on top of Liv's and she was squished. Elliot was snoring loudly, and Olivia must either be used to it or exhausted herself because he was right in her ear and she didn't flinch. Serena found the scene oddly reassuring. She always knew they were meant to be together and since she discovered that Elliot is indeed her father, there's nothing she wants more than her parents together and happy. All she has to do is figure out how to help them see it too.
Elliot made the funniest noise before rolling over the other way. This shook Olivia a bit who rolled over as well, finally freeing Serena. She moved quietly to take off her mask and turn off her equipment, silently slipping out of the bed. She grabbed the flashlight from the floor and made her way back outside. That's what she loved most. The freedom of just being able to move around, feel the sun on her skin and the wind in her hair. For too long she was kept in silence in the darkness. At first, the silence actually hurt her ears and for a long time, she thought she was going to go crazy. But she adjusted. She must remember to thank Uncle Munch for all those language lessons. Practicing those was almost like having conversations. She often hurt too much to move and she never wanted to be reminded of that. Yes, taking these walks and jumping in the waves hurt her legs and gave her lungs a workout, but it was a good kind of hurt is what Olivia would say. She knew she was weak and needed to get stronger. When she was little, Elliot used to use her as a bench press and say, "No pain, no gain" as he lifted her up and down. She needs to remember that now when her limbs and lungs are protesting exercise. She took this quiet time and started stretching, doing sit ups and pushups, and any kind of exercises she could remember watching her mom and Elliot doing in the gym. Her ribs protested but it was a good hurt now.
Sunrise was her favorite time. She got to see the start of a new day and it had so many opportunities. Out here, the sun rose over the ocean and the colors were astounding! They danced over the water before the glowing ball turned her glasses a few shades darker. She knew her mother would be up soo...yep, there she is.
"Good morning my love" said Olivia as she came outside closing a sweater over her pajama top. "How long have you been out here?"
"I woke up aro-around ffffour and c-came out outside sssso I wouldn't di-di...wake you" she said. Her voice was very hoarse, more so than usual after all that screaming and crying yesterday.
"How are you feeling?" inquired Olivia. Serena hoped she wouldn't bring up anything that was discussed yesterday, at least not so soon.
"Good. You? Are you o-o-okay Momma?" She knew Olivia was very upset as well, she heard her crying with her and she felt the tight grip of the hug, but at the time nothing registered but her own anguish, which she is happy to forget today.
"Yes, baby. I am" she replied while checking her phone. "Oh, Dr. Sandrine left me a message. He recommended someone here that is a female and she is able to see you today. She's not that far actually. We need to be there at 9:30. No arguments" she stated because she knew Serena was just about to interrupt. "You need a new tank and a full workup on your breathing. Baby, Uncle Fin said you were kept in a dirt hole, a literal hole of dirt! Who knows what you were breathing in?"
Again, Serena was about to protest but Liv held up her hand and continued, "Yes, you said The Doctor kept fixing you up, but did he prevent anything or just mend broken bones and stop bleeding?" Pause. Silence. "I didn't think so. Baby, it's the pulmonologist. She's just checking your lungs and will probably take a blood sample. Nothing that you haven't had done a hundred times already. You and I will feel better after you get a new script and just…"
"Okay" Serena said sounding defeated. She can handle the lung doctor. Besides, it was still difficult to breathe with these ribs. Maybe The Doctor was wrong when he said they weren't broken this time.
"Okay. I need coffee and I don't know about you but I'm starving!" Liv said just as her stomach growled on cue which made Serena smile. "Hey, I missed dinner, same as you!" Olivia said as she led her daughter back inside towards the kitchen.
-SVU-
It was not just a doctor's office, it was an entire clinic about a 20-minute drive from Bernie's beach house. It was Saturday, but the parking lot could be mistaken for a Wednesday afternoon, that's how crowded it was. Fortunately, it ran like precision and at 9:30, Serena found herself swinging her legs from the exam table. A young female doctor came in and greeted her with a smile. Serena was already on edge with this whole thing, but she needed to breathe so here she was.
"I'm Dr. Brandish. You must be Serena" she stated. Duh.
"C-can yyyyouu please take take off your white c-coat?" she asked. Every time The Doctor had to fix her up, he made sure to look the part and flaunt it. The white lab coat stood in stark contrast to the dark room where things happened and especially when he wore it down in the hole. If she had to be here, she didn't want the distraction.
"Sure" the doctor replied as she easily removed her lab coat and handed it to the nurse who walked out of the room, returning empty handed.
Dr. Sandrine had a nice long conversation with Dr. Brandish, so she was well aware of Serena's past as well as what he knew of her captivity that he gleaned from Liv. The exam was nothing out of the ordinary and the doctor was very pleasant, so Serena cooperated fully. She had a chest x-ray (yep, three of them indeed broken-again), lots of probing and touching (which she was not too happy with but endured), and several different breathing tests. It was almost over as she watched the blood drain from the inside of her arm. Her face grew paler with each passing second.
"That's enough!" she shouted as she yanked the tubing from her arm after two tubes were taken, causing blood to splatter a bit. She jumped down from the table.
"Honey calm down" encouraged Olivia who was of course watching closely. Serena looked a bit panicked.
"No more! D-done nnnow" she said, and Liv was inclined to agree. She looked to Dr. Brandish.
"Okay, we got two tubes full. We could test for toxins with one and check her oxygen and other levels with what we have in the other. I'll make it work" said the doctor patiently. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and another doctor made her way in. Dr. Brandish immediately pulled her aside while Olivia coaxed Serena back up onto the table.
A few moments passed before the older woman walked over to Serena while removing her coat. "I am Dr. Paxton. I am the chief of gynecology at St. Mathias Hospital. I heard about this young lady and came to see her" she addressed Olivia. "It is my understanding that your daughter was sexaully assaulted and held captive for some time?"
"Yes. Who told you that?" questioned Liv, always the detective. It riled her a bit to hear those words applied to her daughter.
"All cases of sexual assault are reported to me Ms. Benson. I came down to take Serena upstairs for a thorough examination and collection of any evidence" she stated matter of factly.
"Like hell!" replied Liv just as Serena jumped back off the table. "We didn't consent to a rape kit and it has been too long since anyone has touched her. She's not going anywhere."
"Ms. Benson, victims need…" Dr. Paxton began.
"It's Sergeant Benson, of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. Also known a sex crimes, Doctor, and believe me when I say that I am well versed in the needs of sexual assault victims." Olivia stood to her full height, crossing her arms across her chest. She really was a formidable sight when she defended victims rights, especially when that victim was her daughter.
"That's good Sergeant. Then you should be aware of the pain that she probably suffered considering her broken ribs that Dr. Brandish noted and that she may have irreparable damage to her reproductive system, urinary system, shall I go on?" Olivia visibly blanched. She agreed with absolutely everything this doctor was telling her and more than anything she just wanted her daughter to be healthy and safe. Hell, she wanted Carisi to drive them straight to the hospital from Central Park 3 days ago, but she promised Serena that she wouldn't.
"Look, Sergeant Benson. Now that I am aware of the situation, I cannot let it go. Since she is not in any immediate danger, seems to be functioning normally, and DNA or identifiable physical evidence will most like be absent, I need your consent to examine her. We..."
"NO! NO, NO, NO!" shouted Serena so loudly that Elliot came flying into the room. She ran straight to him.
"What the hell is going on? I can hear you in the waiting room" he questioned.
Olivia took a deep breath. "This is Lieutenant Elliot Stabler. He's my partner and Serena's father." It was the first time she spoke the words out loud. She knew, deep down for years and she just hoped and prayed but after hearing Serena tell her about what The Doctor told her, she couldn't deny it anymore. She didn't want to. She locked eyes with him as the admission spilled forth and she knew that he already knew, probably for quite some time. "El, this is Dr. Paxton. She's a gynecologist who is going to make sure everything is good with Serena after all."
"NONONONONONONONONONONONO!" shouted Serena again as she gripped Elliot's hand tightly, trying to pull him out of the room with her. Dr. Paxton was on the phone and before Elliot could question why Liv had a change of heart (not that he disagreed in any way, he wanted her checked out immediately and would have questioned Liv then if everyone wasn't so emotional) two nurses came into the room. One had a shot ready.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You promised!" she screamed looking right at Liv. "You're a liar just like they are! NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!" she continued screaming and flailing as the nurse stuck the needle into her bicep. She went limp against Elliot almost immediately but didn't pass out. Her glare could stop a herd of stampeding buffalo.
"Olivia!" yelled Elliot wondering how she could consent to this, but Dr. Paxton was the one who intervened.
"I apologize. I knew she wouldn't cooperate and I soon as I got permission, which I feel was implied in our introductions, I had her sedated. I cannot perform an accurate exam if she won't cooperate. The fact that she is still conscious after that shot tells me she's definitely a fighter and probably built some kind of immunity or resistance to certain medications. These are details we need to know. I promise, I will make it quick, but thorough and you can of course stay with her the entire time" explained Dr. Paxton as they loaded Serena onto a gurney to bring her upstairs. All anyone heard was her seething, deep breaths.
Elliot just stared at Olivia who felt daggers in her heart at Serena's accusations. She had so many unchecked tears streaming down her cheeks and looked so defeated. He put his arms around her as she unsuccessfully tried to stifle a sob. "Shh. I understand and so will she. Come on" he consoled as they followed the doctor.
-SVU-
Serena learned a long time ago not to put up a fight. The easiest thing to do was fall limp and go outside your head. It hurt less physically if she didn't thrash or move, and that made it easier to recover from. The Doctor often said she looked dead because her eyes went vacant and she barely blinked. She always defiantly kept her eyes open, but let her mind wander to happier things. She was doing that right now, or at least trying to.
How could Momma let them do this to me? I can't believe she's letting them try to knock me out and do things to me that I never wanted to have done again! I'll never be able to trust her again! Not another word she says. And Elliot? He picked me up and put me on the rolling bed! I am so angry right now. OW! This doctor keeps saying that I 'can't feel anything because of the needle.' She's knows nothing. Needles and drugs stopped having an effect ages ago, that's why The Doctor kept giving me more until he finally gave up. Pain I can handle, but Momma's betrayal, no. When this is over, no one, and I mean NO ONE will ever come close enough to put a finger on me. Not even my parents.
There was a physical exam, an internal exam, and a sonogram to endure before the doctor backed away. The whole time Olivia was standing just out of the way against the wall silently crying, Elliot right by her side. "Okay honey. All done. Now didn't I say that wouldn't be so bad?" Dr. Paxton addressed Serena who was playing dead and let her eyes close at the end of the sonogram knowing it was the last thing. She turned towards the detectives. "Let's talk down the hall in my office. She finally gave into the drugs in her system, so we don't want to disturb her since I'm sure sleep time is few and far between. We won't be long, and you can take her home right after." She opened the door and watched as Olivia and Elliot walked over to Serena and each planted a kiss.
As soon as the door closed behind them, Serena was up and running. She pulled out the IV that the doctor put in her as soon as they entered the room. She went through two bags very quickly due to over two years of dehydration. She hurriedly got dressed not bothering to tie her sneakers and walked over to Olivia's pocket book. She took out two twenties and crept quietly out the door. The clinic was very busy which worked to her advantage as she jogged towards the stairs and made her way outside, an ache between her legs that she hadn't felt in a bit.
She walked around the corner and two blocks down before she saw a cab pull up to the curb. Once the other passengers got out, Serena got in and gave Bernie's address. That memory of hers was finally starting to present itself once again as the fog was slowly lifting out of her brain. As the cab driver pulled into traffic, she sat back deciding what to do next. She couldn't/wouldn't run away but she wasn't about to pretend that everything was honkey dorey either. Before she knew it, the cab was pulling up just outside of the private community that her grandmother lived in. The fare was less than twenty dollars, so she gave one to the driver and put the other in her pocket as she began the walk down the road leading to the beach house. As soon as she got close enough, Bernie came outside with a questioning look on her face, but Serena couldn't say anything. All that terror, all that anger took its toll and she fell into Bernie's arms and cried.
-SVU-
Olivia's heart was hammering in her chest as it was simultaneously being shattered to pieces. Seeing Serena's reaction to Dr. Paxton and hearing her daughter scream bloody murder, blame her, call her a liar and compare her to the men who hurt her, well she's not sure if she'll ever get over that. I had to she keeps telling herself. It's just a few minutes of an exam and we will know how hurt she is and how to make her better. It's okay if she's angry with me. I'm angry at myself. We will talk later. We'll get through this together.
Once they were in the exam room and Serena was in a gown and hooked up to the IV, Liv moved to the side wall. She had her eyes on Serena's face the whole time, trying her best not to let them wander. This was not the time to check the damage that she knew was completely visible. Olivia knew that when Serena was ready, she would show her whatever she felt comfortable revealing, just as she had done the other night. Her daughter wouldn't even look at her and when she did catch her eye, there was pure anger aimed right at her. It could have been called hatred, but Serena wasn't capable of that. Was she? As soon as the gynecological exam was about to start, Serena's whole body seemed to lose control and she went completely limp. She lost her bladder on the table. Her legs spread open easily, her arms lay idly by her sides, her head turned left, away from her parents. But it was her eyes that scared Liv the most. They were open, but blank-vacant, unseeing as if she had detached from the world around her.
"No!" Olivia cried running to Serena's side causing everyone in the room to stare at her, Dr. Paxton stopped what she was about to do. "Don't do that baby! I know you don't want to do this, but please, please don't disappear on me. Please? Please?" She was begging, grabbing onto Serena's hand that didn't flinch. Elliot pulled her back.
"She's okay honey. We see this all the time, it's just harder because we love her so much. She's dealing however she needs to and we'll be here to help her when it's over. We'll all be better for this" he said. He tried to sound convincing and he really was sure they would get past this 'betrayal' as Serena seemed to think it. He just wasn't sure how they would be one the other side.
For all the standoffish behavior Dr. Paxton displayed trying to convince Olivia this exam was for the best, she really was professional and very gentle. She spoke very calmly and soothing as she told Serena everything she was doing before she did it. She moved with precision and care, trying her best not to cause any more harm, physical or emotional to the already traumatized child. When she gave orders to the nurse, they were specific and short, commanding yet not accusing or demeaning as one may expect from their initial meeting. If this were any other victim, Olivia would be very impressed and recommend her in the future. But this was not any other victim. This was Serena and Olivia couldn't help but feel disdain towards this woman who easily convinced her to betray her daughter's trust and put her through another level of hell. All she could do was watch as her daughter seemed to give up and dissociate, probably like so many other times that Liv would rather not consider right now.
Finally, Dr. Paxton sat back and removed her gloves. Olivia knew the moment Serena finally gave in to the sedative from the needle and closed her eyes to sleep, just as the sonogram began. Like she knew this test wouldn't hurt. Olivia let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. She heard the doctor say to meet in her office to talk and Elliot was ushering her out, but not before she planted a kiss to Serena's forehead and said how much she was loved.
In Dr. Paxton's office, Liv's heartbeat sped up again. Would she be able to handle whatever the doctor found? She would have to, for Serena's sake. She sat ramrod straight so close to Elliot that she was almost on his lap. She grabbed his left hand in the vice of both of hers.
"I want to start with an apology. I know that I can come across very demanding, but please know that I only have the needs of my patients at heart. Your daughter, well, I'm very glad you consented Sergeant Benson." She sounded contrite and sad.
"Olivia. Please call me Olivia. Dr. Paxton, what did you find? How is my baby?" Now Olivia was desperate. Desperate to know. Desperate to act. Desperate to just help her daughter.
"I'm not sure what you know of her time in captivity, so forgive me but I need to tell you everything I noted, whether you already know it or not." Dr. Paxton continued on to tell Olivia and Elliot that there was considerable damage to Serena's pelvic area. She had broken bones that have since healed several times over. She has scarring along the vaginal walls and rectum, the damage extensive from being penetrated with foreign objects. She gave birth just over a year ago and it was not an easy delivery, resulting in surgical removal of her uterus. Serena's left ovary seemed to be dead, her fallopian tube collapsed. She seems to have had every common STD at one time or another, probably repeatedly that was treated but left telltale signs behind. She will not get her period, but she most likely suffers intense monthly cramps as a result of the damage. There was also scarring on her inner thighs and buttocks that could only be burns. Her breasts had scars from bite marks and burns that were obviously caused by cigarettes. Her right nipple was partially removed, most likely from a bite. At this point, Olivia had her eyes closed and she was almost hyperventilating. Elliot was absolutely silent; his neck red, his jaw locked, his knuckles white around Olivia's.
"I recommend she see a urologist for bladder issues and possible kidney damage. She will need surgical intervention to remove scar tissue and possibly remove the ovary and tube, but that can wait a while. She needs further testing for that. I also recommend that you take her to the ophthalmologist for an eye exam to let you know her exact prescription and possible cause. We don't know if her vision problems are from straining, lack of light, or something neurological. If that's the case, then you'll have to follow up on that as well. Right now, the important thing is that she heals mentally and emotionally. Physically, she is not in any danger right now, just pain management and making sure she relieves her bladder regularly. That's very important. I took some samples, so she is a bit sore down there. Food, sleep, and exercise are also vital for her right now." Dr. Paxton went on to list antibiotics, antivirals, vitamins, sleep aids, and pain killers and handed Elliot the prescriptions. He already had the scripts for a specialized breathing machine to sleep with, new cannula and mask and medicine for blood detoxing. It was also recommended that she drink plenty of lemon water and echinacea.
"I would like to see her again in six months as you and she monitor her cramps and discomfort. If you'd like a referral in New York instead, I can provide that as well. Right now, take your daughter home and just…" She seemed to be at a loss. This certainly was the worst case of sexual assault that she has ever seen, let alone on such a young girl. Dr. Paxton stood and waited for the detectives to as well. It took them a few minutes, but Elliot pulled Olivia up and they both shook the doctor's hand, thanking her before walking out of the office.
When they got back to Serena's room, they both gasped to find that she wasn't there. They checked the adjoining bathroom, but Olivia noticed that her clothes were gone. "Shit!" exclaimed Elliot as they both ran out of the room. They got security and checked the entire clinic to no avail. When they stopped to regroup, they realized she had at least a forty-minute head start so they ran to Elliot's jeep. He dialed his mother's number on the jeep speaker.
"Mom! Serena went missing. Good God, those are words I never wanted to say again. She left the hospital and we are gonna drive around looking. She may try to contact you and…" Bernie interrupted him.
"She's right here dear, eating a ham and cheese sandwich. She was very upset, and it took me a while to calm her down. We are on the patio, enjoying the outdoors. Just come home." Bernie didn't deal with the why's or what if's; she dealt with the now.
"Jesus!" exclaimed Elliot. "Okay, thanks Mom. We'll be there soon." He pulled over as soon as he hung up. He gripped the steering wheel and put his head down almost on the horn. He had to breathe. Olivia hadn't said a word since she asked Dr. Paxton how Serena was doing. She immediately undid her seatbelt and scooted as close to Elliot as possible despite the console. She placed her arms around his neck and just sobbed. She must be so dehydrated herself with all the tears she has shed in these last three days, but she couldn't stop. She didn't care and when she heard Elliot sniffle, the sobs came harder-for both of them.
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