Chapter 31
What a day! What a night! Oh just look at her. I can't believe she's here, let alone smiling while surrounded by people. No, not just people: family. This is her family, our family. That is going to take some getting used to, for both of us. It was going on 3:15 in the morning and Olivia was snuggled up into Elliot, her back to his chest with his arm wrapped around her waist as they sat in the widest lounge chair on the patio. The back of her head was nestled into his shoulder, his head tilted in her direction. She didn't have to look back to know he was peacefully sleeping. She could feel the deep rumble in his chest along with his breath against the top of her head. He wasn't the only one who gave into sleep. Eli was the first to konk out around 11 when everyone was concentrating on a particularly interesting game of gin rummy. Kathleen knocked out around 12:30 claiming her meds kept her on a regular sleep schedule after which Dickie and Lizzie got into a heated debate on the use of certain drugs. Elliot tried to put a stop to that immediately, not only for obvious reasons, but mainly because he thought Serena would be uncomfortable. But that kid of theirs always surprised her. She joined in their debate and freely offered up her knowledge of how drugs affect your brain and body. It was fascinating to watch her go head to head with Dickie, who finally conceded on many points. He retreated into his game after that and fell asleep not long after. Maureen went to join her husband who decided that he would take the opportunity to get some sleep in the "tiny" bed alone (his words) a while ago. Serena had a full-sized bed and Marcus was a big man and everyone assumed Liv shared the bed with her daughter until she let it slip. Elliot played it off and Olivia was not going to argue that. They could claim that Serena felt safer when he was around, but she didn't want to deny their...relationship? They really needed to define what they were becoming. So now Olivia sat, sleepily watching Serena and Lizzie work together to create what should be a beautiful piece of artwork. They had taped together several sheets of large sketch paper and after intense discussion, went to work creating...whatever it was they were creating. She didn't have a good vantage point but it didn't matter, she just enjoyed the scene in front of her.
The next thing she knew, she heard shouting. "I didn't do it!" It sounded like all hell was breaking loose which made Elliot jump up from behind her.
"Damn it!" he muttered as he struggled off the chair and stormed inside. When he opened the door, she smelled something horrible. Olivia decided to let him handle it since they were his kids after all. Funny thing though, they weren't kids anymore, yet they still went at it like youngsters. Having been an only child, the idea of arguing so intensely with your siblings always fascinated her. The shouting was getting louder as they were all trying to talk over one another, and Olivia quickly wondered where Serena was in all that chaos. As soon as she stood up, she got her answer as her daughter flew out the back door and ran straight for her spot by the water. Liv didn't care what was going on inside as she ran to catch up. When she stopped, Serena was kneeling in the sand much like she did the other day, on her knees with her forehead down. She had her hands covering her ears, wrapping around her head and she was mumbling something into the sand. Liv knelt down beside her, careful not to touch. She put her head level with Serena's so she could hear and be heard.
"Serena, it's okay baby. It's okay you're safe. You're here with me." She repeated this over and over a few times until Serena's rocking and mumbling abruptly stopped. She shot upright and stared at her mother although Liv could tell she didn't really see her.
"Ssssoo mmany. Ssssooo ma-many shouting. So many shouting and and laughing. They, they were laughing and shouting so many and no one stopped. Nobody said no!" She was imploring Liv to understand. Unfortunately, she was confused.
"Who Serena? Who wouldn't? One of the girls? Dickie? Who baby?" As Serena vigorously shook her head no, it finally clicked, but before Liv could respond, Serena continued.
"So many mmmmen. So many men and they were shouting over, over each other and then laughing. They all were laughing and shouting at the same time. Grabbing. Tight. So tight. I screamed and they laughed. I tried not to; I tried to hold it in. I screamed and they shouted at me and each other. I, I, I, mmmmm...they w-w-wouldn't stop. Not one. They just laughed." She kept repeating this and she had such a far off look in her eyes. She was stuck in this flashback and Liv had to get her out. She couldn't wait for her to work through it as is recommended, this was torture for them both.
Olivia put her hands on Serena's arms, trying to get her to take them away from her ears. Every other time Liv put pressure on her body, it seemed to calm her, ground her to the present, let her know this was reality, not the nightmare. She held Serena's hands tightly against her own chest, hoping her child could feel her heart beating. "You are here with me Serena. You are here and you are safe. No one is going to hurt you, Serena. I won't let them. No one is laughing at you and I will personally scold each and every Stabler in that house for being so loud and careless. Serena, just breathe." She hoped that repeating her name would help her connect since The Doctor berated her and referred to her as Heaven. "Serena, breathe with me. Look at me baby." Olivia took deep breaths while massaging her daughter's hands and holding her gaze.
Serena was violently shaking but Liv could tell that she was desperately trying to come back to the present. It took a while but Serena finally gripped Olivia's hands back, just as tightly. She began to take deeper, shuddering breaths and Liv kept encouraging her, saying her name and massaging her hands. She was vaguely aware that the patio door had slammed. She didn't care what else was going on, right here, right now was all that mattered.
Elliot finally came into view and he approached slowly, making a large arch around so as not to come up directly behind their daughter. He didn't know what was going on, but he knew it wasn't good. He situated himself next to Olivia but didn't make any other moves or say a word. His eyes were locked on their daughter until she seemed to mimic Liv's breathing pattern.
"Mmy na-my name is Serena. Momma! My name is Serena!" she shouted before hurling herself at Olivia, wrapping her arms around her neck and banging right onto her lap with such force that Liv almost toppled over backwards. Luckily, Elliot was right there, as always, to keep her from falling. Liv held her just as tight, forgetting about the bruise on her back until Elliot repositioned her hands for her. He rubbed Liv's back for a few moments and just watched as Serena didn't cry, just held on for dear life repeating, "My name is Serena. This is real" over and over.
He kissed the top of both their heads and stood up, motioning to Olivia that he was heading back inside the house. She continued to hold her daughter for hours, minutes, days. She would hold her for all eternity if it meant she wouldn't have to relive a single horrifying moment ever again. Serena shifted on her lap so both feet were situated on one side and Liv could look down and see her face. Olivia shifted to move herself but was stopped by Serena's shout.
"NO! Don't let me go, Momma!"
"Like hell" she replied in the style of Elliot. "I'm just making us both more comfortable honey." Liv was able to move them so her back was against the wall for leverage. They sat quietly for a while, Serena still shaking some, when Olivia heard car doors slam and saw Elliot approach again. She put her hand up in warning. Serena was finally calming but Liv was still on edge. Whatever he was about to say or do had to be said or done with extreme caution around her right now. He stopped not far from them.
"I am taking everyone for breakfast because...well, let's just say we need to be out of the kitchen for a while. You are both more than welcome to come." He knew Serena wasn't about to go eat in a public restaurant with the Stabler crew, but he had to ask. "Or I can bring you back something?"
Serena looked up at her mother with a confused expression before going back against her shoulder. Liv spoke for both of them. "You're taking everyone out for breakfast, now?" It was his turn to look confused as he nodded his head. Liv knew deep down it wasn't his fault at all, but she was kind of pissed. She smelled the kitchen, heard the ruckus, and he knew Serena was not in a good mindset right now but whatever. "We're fine. El."
"She…" he began. He knew whatever just happened was awful and he just caught the tail end of it, but Liv seemed angry when she interrupted.
"We're fine, Elliot. Go take your family to breakfast" and with that she ducked her head and began to whisper to Serena, essentially dismissing him.
"I'll bring you something" he said as he turned away. When they watched the two cars pull away, Serena spoke up.
"I nneeeeed...ugh!" She stopped for a moment, burying her face in Liv's shoulder trying to will herself to stop stuttering while Liv stayed quiet, urging her on. "I need to know if we're the same Momma! I need the truth because I am confused. You may not want to answer and that's okay, but I need to know so…" She blew out a breath.
"Remember open and honest?" Liv stated. "You can ask me absolutely anything and I will answer. I don't care how embarrassing people might think it is, my Serena wants information and I will give it to her." She looked down and kissed her daughter's nose eliciting a calming sigh from the teen who continued to breathe deeply.
"The Doctor said we are both so much alike. He said I am just like you with sex, but he never had sex with you. He said he watched that night that you and Elliot made me, and he almost hurt you. I heard you scream the other day and I knew you liked sex but I screamed all the time, at first. You said you gazzmed and that was good but Momma, does that mean I liked it? Because I didn't like it! At all but I did those things just like you. I gazzmed and I screamed and…" she started to get worked up again and Liv was dying inside, but stopped her right there.
"No. Serena, no. I told you, your body, women's bodies have reactions to certain stimuli. Do you know how often I hear rape victims tell me they orgasmed, and they are so ashamed that they want to die? It's not your desire sweetheart, it's your body's chemical reaction." Serena finally looked up into her mother's eyes, intrigued. Olivia loved that look; it reminded her of when her child was little and was invested in learning something new. "Okay, when you touch something hot, your body reacts and pulls away. The nerves in your fingers send the message to your brain that they are being stimulated and need to react, without any thought from you. You know that right?" When Serena nodded, she continued.
"Women have these little bundles of nerves. These nerves are...programmed to react to stimulus as well. They react differently than when your fingers get burned; they react with pleasure, again without any thought from you. It's what they are designed to do. For some women, the minute something touches that little bundle of nerves, they orgasm. I've heard of women orgasming when they wipe themselves after using the toilet and they accidentally touch. We have no control over it. If you orgasmed at any time, you had no control over it. Yes, I orgasm all the time, but I have no control over it. If I did, believe me, it would happen...anyway, it is not an indication of consent or of pleasure. It is an indication that your body, your nerves are doing what nature intended, they react when stimulated. That's all." This was killing her. Not just the fact that it happened to her daughter, but that Serena is taking his words and turning them into shame and blame. A reaction that so many people strive for and making it into something horrible. She held Serena's gaze and watched as she took in the information.
"I never gazz...orgasmed during the celebrations. I was touched there alot but so much other stuff was happening also and all I did was scream and try to get away. Actually, I could have...who knows? Things went numb, even my brain" she stated with a furrowed brow and a shrug. "It was only after the celebrations stopped and The Doctor would let me in the house towards the end and it was just the two of us. If he was happy with me, he would bring me up the ladder into the house and lay me on the carpet. He was gentle. He would tell me to breathe the whole time. I could feel my stomach tingling and my legs would shake and I would get the strangest feeling. I tried so hard not to move but then, I would jerk up and my legs would shake, and I would see stars behind my eyes. I couldn't breathe the way he wanted me to, it felt like I was running. He would whisper nice words and smile. It was those times when he would shout "Oh shit! Oh shit!" And he would shake too and go stiff before being out of breath. Wait, do men orgasm too?"
I will personally castrate him and shove his dick up his ass. "Yes, baby. Men orgasm too."
She paused to take that in. "Sometimes, I got the feeling more than once because he kept going, sometimes I would wet myself. He would laugh when that happened. He didn't even get mad. He would shout, "That's it! She's a squirter, just like her mother! I knew it!" Is that true Momma, do you orgasm like that?"
Jesus Fucking Christ! "Yes baby. Sometimes. Actually, Elliot makes sure of it. But it's different Serena." She really did NOT want to have this conversation. Flashbacks, PTSD, sleepless nights, she could handle it all, just not this fucking conversation at this moment.
"How? Momma, how is the way it happens to you and the way it happened with me different?"
How the hell do I answer that? It's loving the person you're with that makes it different, but I can't say that. Fuck, fuck, fuck! She was saved by her daughter.
"It's okay Momma. I, it's okay. Don't answer that now. Later, we'll talk again later." Olivia pulled her up close once again, but as long as they were talking, she tried one more.
"I still have one more question from when Grandma interrupted the other day." She heard Serena sigh and nod against her shoulder. "How many celebrations were there? I've been trying to get a handle on how many men to look out for and how many charges to file."
"It doesn't matter" she stated in a matter-of-fact way. "One or fifty, why does it matter?"
"Every time matters sweetheart. Every single time someone touched you. Amir is dead so he's already been punished I suppose, and the judge made a deal so piling on a specific number of times doesn't affect that. Fuck me, this sucks!" Olivia couldn't help herself. "Sorry."
"It does suck. Uncle Fin says 'fuck me' alot too but I don't know why. It's kind of an odd saying considering." That made Liv chuckle. "At each celebration, there were 5 men. The first one was 10, but that was way too many and they started to complain that they couldn't move properly. Steven said he didn't want to "stick it in some manhole". The Doctor told me then he could have more with less. The men were the same for the most part. There were times when someone new came but then I'd never see him again. Momma, can we be done talking about this?" With that, Liv hugged her daughter fiercely. Five or so men, how many times? One was too many…
-SVU-
When the cars pulled back into the driveway, the Bensons were done cleaning up the kitchen and were headed to the eye doctor that Liv was able to get an appointment with. Olivia had no idea what happened, and Serena seemed to block everything out once the shouting started. Whatever happened this morning made the kitchen stink to high heaven and Liv wasn't about to leave that kind of smell, or mess for Bernie to live with or attempt to clean. If she was being honest with herself, cleaning the kitchen just then was necessary to expel her energy (the little she had from such lack of sleep), but it was disgusting, and she couldn't believe Elliot just left it like that. Poor Bernie! When everyone walked through the doors, they were all subdued. Elliot took a quick look around and frowned.
"Why did you clean up? They were going to do it" he said looking quite pissed off himself.
"Seriously? We were supposed to live with that smell and mess until you all decided to come home? A few days ago, you were pissed off at Serena for having an attitude, but the kitchen was almost destroyed, and you decide to treat everyone to breakfast? If her excuse wasn't good enough, what was theirs?" she pointed as her voice rose in pitch and volume, but she didn't give him enough time to reply. Turning back to Serena she asked, "Are you ready to go?"
Having packed her journal and pencils inside her bag with her portable tank, she nodded and walked to the door.
"Where the fuck are you going?" he didn't know what the hell was happening, but he was pissed, basically because she was and he didn't understand.
"Out, why?" She knew she was being a bitch and his children were watching, but they weren't children anymore and maybe that's what made what she was feeling worse.
"What the fuck Olivia? You never mentioned going anywhere. I have a right to know where you're going as long as you're living under my family's roof!" He knew he said the wrong thing just by the look she gave him.
She stepped back, took a deep breath and said to Serena while looking right at Elliot, "Let's go baby." She turned to follow her daughter out to the car just as he grabbed her elbow. Her reaction caused him to let go instantly. She spun around and jerked her arm away with a look that would cause anyone to beg for forgiveness. Anyone else that is. "This was your idea, but I've been taking care of my daughter her entire life just fine so don't worry, we don't have to live under your family's roof anymore." Then she was gone. By the time Elliot realized that he was standing there like an idiot, Serena was already strapped in, Liv started the car and drove off with no hint as to where they were going but more importantly, he didn't know if they would be back.
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