Chapter 32
Staring at the clock on the nightstand, Elliot let out a frustrated sigh. 1:15am. He lay wide awake after such a shitty day. Granted, today was nothing in the grand scheme of shitty days that he has had in his life, but still, shitty in its own right. After Liv drove off, the kids began gathering their things to go. He didn't understand what the hell happened. They had such a wonderful day yesterday. Serena got along with everyone and they were having a great time together, as siblings. She saved him from having to explain himself. Breakfast brought up that conversation, but no accusations were hurled and since they already thought of Olivia and Serena as family, the kids just accepted their inclusion. Serena was the one who suggested the campout, Liv seemed to be content and enjoying herself for a change, so why is he lying here in the middle of the night trying to sleep alone when she should be here next to him with their daughter in the next room? He knew he fell asleep first, but he wasn't sure how long Liv was asleep before the chaos began. The fucking kitchen chaos. You would think four adults could manage to make breakfast without all hell breaking loose, but they were the Stablers and damn. He knew the bickering got outta hand. He knew Serena was caught in one hell of a flashback because of it. Whatever she told Liv upset her to the point where she was on edge more than she has been. He wished he knew what caused her to jump down his throat. His mother lit into him as soon as her tail lights disappeared. She also let the kids know that she was displeased with them, which was a generous word for how she felt. Bernie was right though; they were all too old for that kind of nonsense. So, the kids left and Bernie retreated next door and then to her room leaving him alone all day with the silence of his thoughts. Except they weren't silent, they were screaming.
Jesus Olivia! I didn't ask you to clean up the kids' mess. I didn't make you live with...fucking hell. That's it. Liv's never had this kind of organized disarray. Serena has never been loud or messy and there was never anyone to argue with. She said she felt like she was trespassing. She cleaned to make up for it, like she owed it to mom to keep the house in order no matter what. Dammit Olivia! When are you gonna realize you are family? This is your home too? The fuck Stabler? It's been what, a whole week and you expect her to conform after 19 years? There was so much happening so fast-too many changes at once. Who am I to dismiss her feelings? I'm an asshole. I gotta let her know. If I haveta beg her to come back, to come home, I'm ready.
He reached for his phone and hit number 1 on speed dial but hung up before it could connect. If by chance she was sleeping, and that was a big "if", he didn't want to wake her or disturb Serena who was sure to be right by Liv's side. He sent a text instead and waited.
-SVU-
Liv tried to breathe as she drove away. It didn't work. She had to pull over about a mile down the road in order to calm down. Serena unbuckled and put her arm around her shoulders. Liv knew what it felt like to want to comfort the person you love most, and children felt the same way, so she leaned into her daughter and let out the sobs that were building. She was angry and sad and disappointed, but she didn't let herself go for long. She took a few deep breaths, reigned it in, kissed Serena all over and was able to drive away. After Elliot left, she called around and was able to make an appointment with an eye doctor for Serena. She couldn't keep wearing cracked lenses and when Eli hit her with the volleyball, it cracked the elbow so whenever she shook her head, the glasses wobbled. She was lucky to be able to get in on a Saturday. When they walked into the kitchen though, all coherent thought went out the window.
"Wow!" exclaimed Serena right next to her. That was an understatement! With the exception of Eli, who was old enough to know better but still should have been watched, everyone was an adult. The kitchen was a wreck and smelled like a rhino threw up and someone tried to get rid of the smell by lighting the place on fire. "Has Gramma seen this? She loves her kitchen very tidy."
Liv didn't say a word. She grabbed the rubber gloves and went to work, Serena grabbed the broom and they wordlessly cleaned the kitchen together. They had just gotten ready to run in order to make the appointment on time when the Stablers came home and what happened? Elliot gets mad at her! Now, it's 1:15 in the morning and all is quiet. Serena is sitting in the chair writing in her journal, wearing the glasses that the doctor was able to repair while they wait about ten days for the new ones to come in. The lens was still cracked, but at least she was no longer in danger of the lens shattering in her eye or having them fall off anytime she moved.
Oh, you made a huge mess and almost burned the house down? Let me treat you to breakfast. What the fuck was that? But then, Serena is copping a 'tude and being rude by expressing herself so let me get frustrated and angry with the traumatized child. Let's leave the mess while we go enjoy ourselves, Liv won't mind. No, of course I won't mind. I just spent over a half-hour consoling my daughter and having the hardest conversation I've ever had. Adults. They are all fricken adults! Spoiled adults, no wonder they act the way they do. How am I supposed to walk away from that mess and the smell!? We are guests in Bernie's house, and I am supposed to ignore that? No. Then he demands to know where I'm going. I'd tell you Elliot, but you were being a dick.
Truth was Olivia was hoping he would be back in time to come with them. She was concerned with Serena's eyesight and wanted to make sure she took in all the information the doctor would tell her. As it turned out, she was by herself listening to the doctor talk about eye strain and vision loss. Her prescription was so strong that if they didn't do everything possible, she would be considered "legally blind" before she is an adult. Fortunately, she is getting help. She may need what used to be called "coke bottle" glasses, but she could see clearly and that's all that matters. To lighten the mood, they stopped in the phone store to get Serena a new phone. Apparently, Kathleen and Lizzie promised to call and message or snap or something for fun and to keep in touch. Serena was so excited, and it made Liv happy also. In fact, she got herself an upgrade.
She is no longer seething, but she isn't in the forgiving mood either. When she pulled into her garage, the outside of her building was swarming with reporters. The arraignment of Carlson as well as the judge's plea was probably the top story everywhere. She had to turn off her cell yesterday because it wouldn't stop ringing. Once she set up her new one, she shut that off as well. Finally, she called Fin. She knew Elliot had given him the day off and she hated to bother him, but right now he was the only one she could call. It didn't take long. Before dinner, there were two guards posted downstairs by the elevator and stairs and two more posted right outside her apartment-at the top of the stairs and just outside the door. No one was getting passed them, not even Elliot (she warned them that he would flash his badge and demand to come up). She wasn't in the mood to talk to him so unless he got a warrant to enter, he would be escorted away with anyone else who couldn't prove that they lived in the building or had a legit reason to be there. She needed time to recoup. To think.
-SVU-
Elliot couldn't stand it anymore. Liv didn't answer his text and he sent two. He tried calling as soon as he woke up knowing that if Liv fell asleep, Serena would be awake at the break of dawn. It went straight to voicemail, only now her voicemail was the generic computer generated one. It never occurred to him that she may have turned off her connections to the outside world. He finally tried the landline at 8:00. Nothing, just ringing, not even the machine. He was tempted to call Fin to go check on her but decided to go himself. He had to be ready for work tomorrow anyway. That fucker was pleading not guilty and he would make sure to do everything in his power to degrade Olivia and Serena and there was no way he was going to sit idly by and let that happen. Olivia may be angry, but he wasn't gonna let her go that easy. He took his mom and Gladys to mass, made sure they had a ride home and that Maddie would be here in the morning for his mother (who seemed exhausted after everything) and went to put his family back together.
Liv forgot the landline. That number was completely unlisted and only a handful of people knew the number but at 8:00 in the morning, the shit rang. She was able to doze off and on during the night. Serena was able to do the same, she thinks. She didn't totally give in to sleep, but Liv opened her eyes once to find her daughter had hers closed and was dozing in the chair. When she couldn't take the ringing anymore, she picked up, ready to ream out whoever was on the other end of the line.
"Olivia, it's Rafael. I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday. Is there something wrong with your cell?" ADA Barba calling at 8am on a Sunday morning was not a good sign.
"No, I turned it off because of all the reporters. What's the matter?"
"Now that we are proceeding with trial, I really need a full disclosure statement. Carlson's attorney is claiming Serena never actually admitted he raped her. I went over all the recorded conversations and he's right. We need a complainant. I'm asking you to get your daughter to talk to you or Elliot or Fin. Better Fin since he can technically be considered unbiased. We have time, but the more she tells us, the better we can come up with solid evidence to convict."
"Wait. What are you talking about? He confessed so why do we need to do anything else? I'm not putting my daughter back in the same room with that sick fuck and I don't give a shit what he has to say." She was confused because he spoke as if this was commonplace.
"Dammit! Fin swore he told Elliot." Pause and silence on both ends. Barba took a deep breath. "Carlson changed his plea. Spouted bullshit about illegal entry, forced confessions, Elliot threatened him. We're going to trial. His lawyer says all we have is circumstantial and he is right. She never said what Carlson did. She danced around everything. Serena has to testify as the victim. She is our only witness besides Sorotsky and he's tainted. Serena is our evidence. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, I thought you would know by now. I'll keep in touch." With that he hung up, leaving Liv angrier than before and scared for her daughter, who was looking right at her.
"No" she said barely above a whisper. "You said we didn't have to go. You said we didn't have to see him again. You said it was over!"
"I'm sorry baby! I didn't know. He's pleading not guilty." Before she said another word, she picked up the phone and dialed. It went to voicemail after a few rings which meant he was on the other line or unable to answer.
"What the fuck Elliot? When were you gonna spring that on me? The day before she has to testify? I am an NYPD sergeant for chrissakes. I do not need your overprotection!" She made sure to slam the phone on the cradle as she hung up.
Serena could NOT think about this right now, so she switched gears. "He's fucked up a lot these days huh?" she said, trying everything she could to stay calm and calm her mother at the same time. "Why do you think he didn't tell us?"
Liv sighed. She would never bad mouth Elliot to anyone, ever, especially their daughter. "You know Elliot, sweetheart. He always tries to protect the people he loves, and I think he didn't say anything so that we, you, wouldn't worry. It wasn't right, we have the right to know all this information first, but I can't think of any other reason right now." Serena just nodded and got quiet once again. "Tell me what you're thinking honey. Please?"
"Did he change his plea because of what Elliot did? Will he get fired? Will Elliot have to go to jail?" Just like her mother, always worried about others.
"I don't know. Mr. Barba didn't go into detail because he thought I already knew. I'll call Uncle Fin later and get all the information. I don't think Elliot is in trouble or else Barba would have definitely mentioned it. It's not the first time he attacked a perp; at least he has a really good excuse this time if he needs it...you. Look, the way trials are scheduled, we have plenty of time. CSU is testing every bit of evidence and now that it must be presented, I will have them recheck everything. Barba is adamant about putting you on the stand. He's going to want details, especially your feelings. If we can come up with enough, we may be able to avoid that."
The words were barely out of her mouth when Serena answered. "No! I never wanted any details to come out. I don't want anything on record for others to read. I wasn't even going to tell you anything but you keep… you have this way…Isn't my room evidence enough? The things Amir said? Judge Sorotsky? Dr. Warner has the baby she said she could compare to prove she was really his. It doesn't matter how I felt. I am starting to feel better, at least I was and now it's all going to shit!"
"Yes" said Liv as she knelt in front of her daughter. "Well no. Your feelings do matter, then and now. You baby, you matter, and this is all about you. Those feelings are what flash through your head when you get stuck. We have to acknowledge them, work through them so they eventually become distant memories that don't affect you so harshly. Everything you've said so far has been very straight forward, but you say it so...detached. I know the horror baby. It's okay to admit it. Please, always let me know how you felt, how you feel. We will work through it together. That is the way for you to get better."
"But it just hurt, I don't know what you want me to suppose to feel." Serena indeed looked confused. She also was extremely overtired, frustrated, and scared of what happened between her parents and what might happen in court. It was written all over her face.
"I don't want you to feel any particular way. What I mean is your emotions. Okay, how do you feel right now?" Liv needed to get her focus off the trial months away and back on her recovery.
"Umm...tired, scared, I don't wanna go to court!"
"No baby. I see your brain working things out. Let's put court aside for now. Yes, you are tired, why are you tired? What makes sleep so terrible? What are you thinking about? Do you feel scared, angry, confused…? That's what I mean. Yesterday, when you had that flashback for example. You were shaking against me and you sounded so scared. What exactly were you feeling then?" She had to try and get her to understand that her feelings are most important.
"Oh, first, I really didn't take part in that whole mess in the kitchen Momma, but I'm guilty because I didn't say or do anything to stop it either." Funny how she felt the need to explain when no one had accused her. Liv rolled her eyes and shook her head to dismiss the notion, so Serena continued. "Then they all started screaming at each other. It was like it went from silence to deafening shouts like that" as she snapped her fingers. "And then just the same way, in my head I wasn't in the kitchen anymore, I was in the room, not my room, the one up the ladder and I didn't see the Stablers in front of me, I saw all the men. All the voices sounded the same, but I was stuck in the room and I realized that I wasn't really stuck, so I guess I knew I was able to move so I did."
If Olivia were in any other profession, she would have a very difficult time following Serena's story and understanding what she was saying. Olivia watched Serena's eyes glaze over and her breathing picked up while her voice got lower. "I ran the way I wished I could've run so many times, but I could still hear them laughing, screaming, cheering, cursing. I could still feel them grabbing, holding me down, pulling at me, twisting me, bending me over, sometimes backwards and I would feel things inside me pulling, tearing, breaking because my body didn't normally go that way. I felt them shoving inside of me, hands and…" She stopped short and took a breath and swallowed before continuing… "harder and harder in every place that they could fit, sometimes not even taking turns but two or three at once. I felt them breathing on me and I was shouting in my head, but nothing was coming out of my mouth. Then I heard you." She finally looked at Liv. "I heard you say my name. No one called me Serena for the whole time I was away. My name really is Serena. You told me you were with me and I was safe. I felt your hands grab mine and hold them. They didn't hold my hands. They just grabbed anything they could to keep me down, but no one held my hands. I knew I was safe when you held my hands. Your touch feels different. Your voice never sounds angry with me, even when I was mad and spoke poorly to Gramma. Except when I came out of the water and you yelled, you sounded angry, but I understood that. I felt so scared in that kitchen like I woke up back into the nightmare. So scared, terrified because I could actually hear them and smell them and feel their hands on me until I felt yours. Then I felt like I was dreaming because you chased them away and I wasn't in the nightmare anymore. Your touch is so much better. That's why sleep isn't good because no one can hold my hands and I'm stuck in the nightmare. Is that what you meant? Is that right?"
Liv had to take a moment before answering, so she held Serena's hands up to her lips and breathed. It felt like she was warming them with all her love. She knew about the celebrations, about all the men but to finally hear Serena talk about it just pierced right through her very soul. She imagined some fucker holding her down for his pleasure, not five at a time for hours. She had to make sure her voice was steady before speaking because Lord knows all she wanted to do was scream and cry for her daughter's pain. "There is no right or wrong way to feel Serena. I know you understand that, but this is exactly what I was talking about. Talking like this will help you in the long run. This is not a dream baby. That nightmare is behind you and you are here, with me. I am real, this is real. So the next time you feel held down, or laughter puts you back there, I will know what to do and you will be able to come back to me. Just reach for me, I will be there and I will understand. It will get easier and easier for you. Talking is healing. Not just telling me the facts, but sharing the experience helps you put it behind you."
"Like I told Gramma, I just hurt. All the time, inside, outside, in my head." She closed her eyes and took a breath. "Will we ever go back to Gramma's?" she asked changing the subject. "I know you're mad at Elliot and I'm not too happy with him either, but you know that he is going to work tomorrow so he won't know if we go in the opposite direction back to Jersey. I think she liked having us there and we didn't even say goodbye. Can we just go back and at least say goodbye, pack our things? We can't even leave this apartment and Uncle Fin has his people guarding us. If I knew we were leaving, I would have soaked up some sun and take it with me."
Olivia knew she was right. She just walked away not saying anything to Bernie or goodbye to the kids. It bothered Serena to just leave without warning and it bothered her too. If Serena was the average, deceitful teenager, Olivia would have great cause to worry about her way of thinking, right now it worked in their favor. "You're absolutely right. It wasn't fair to her or to you. Actually, I think when everyone's eyes are on the SVU and the DA's office since word has spread, and the media circus is focused there, it would be the perfect time to hop in the car and drive in the opposite direction. We'll go uptown over the bridge like last time, avoid downtown altogether. The more that I think of it, it's a great idea!" With the plan in mind, they spent a quiet day at home, no more talking about such heavy topics and they both managed to doze on and off during the day. Olivia did gather a few of the things she wanted to bring, just in case.
-SVU-
Elliot finally found parking seven blocks from Olivia's apartment. Damn Sundays. The walk helped him focus on what he was going to say at least. He checked his phone one last time before he hit her street. He had a voicemail but didn't remember a call coming in. When he checked the time, it was when he was calling Liv so the lines must have cancelled each other out. He pressed play. "What the fuck Elliot?" drew his immediate attention. Shit. She found out about the trial. Worse, she found out that he was the one who didn't tell her. As if he wasn't already in the doghouse with her, now he had another thing to explain. Great. When he approached Liv's street, he saw the media parked outside, some staring up at her window, others on their phones. They noticed him immediately and shoved microphones in his face and started asking questions. He pushed his way through and when he got to the door, an older woman was walking out so he ran up to grab the door from her. As he held it open, he noticed two men standing in the lobby. Just standing there, watching. His cop instincts were finely tuned so he approached the elevator when one of them spoke.
"Excuse me sir, but do you live in this building?"
"What? No, who the fuck are you?" Did the building get new security?
"Sir, I am going to need to see some identification and ask why you are here." The man was burly, bigger than Elliot and unrelenting.
"I am Lt. Elliot Stabler of the NYPD and why I am here is none of your concern. Now move or I will make you move."
To his credit, the man stood his ground as his equally sized partner approached from his spot by the stairs. "Lt. Stabler, Sgt. Benson doesn't want to see or talk to you, or anyone. I have my orders to ask you and anyone else who does not live here or have a legitimate invitation to be here, to turn around and leave her be. So, please, sir, don't make me move you."
Well shit. She hired private security. He couldn't blame her with all that was going on outside, but he was not deterred. Where the hell did she find these guys on such short notice? "Did you just threaten a police officer with bodily harm?" He was hoping their brains weren't as big as their bodies.
"No sir. I threatened no one. I told a man who is trying to use the power of his badge to infringe upon someone's right to privacy, to leave. There is no reason for you to be here. The person you wish to speak to does not want you so unless you get a warrant, and good luck with that, you are not getting upstairs. Now, those reporters are watching closely. Do you really want to give them another news story?"
Fuck. This was not their first rodeo. Elliot turned around and saw some of the reporters watching him carefully through the glass doors. He took out his phone and redialed her cell-straight to voicemail. Landline-not even the machine. She really did cut off all connections to the outside world. Looking at the two men in front of him, he simply said, "Just do your job and keep them safe" before walking away.
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