Chapter 33

Another night spent alone in his apartment. Funny, he's been divorced three years and spent most nights here, but he has never felt so alone. They've only been a couple for just over a week, but he missed Olivia lying next to him. He missed holding her while she slept. He missed trying everything in his power to get her to sleep, since she refused as long as Serena was awake. He missed seeing her smile in the sunshine, wet and covered in sand with her hair blowing everywhere in the summer breeze. He missed Serena. He finally got the chance to be the father she deserved, and he fucked it up. Liv hired security to keep him away. Him! Well, okay not just him since the media frenzy was parked right outside her apartment, but those goons said they had orders not to let him up, no matter what. Him by name. That hurt.

He was up early and in his office by the time most others were just shutting off their alarms. He was going to make things right, whether she wanted him to or not. Now that Carlson has been remanded and would probably never see the light of day again, he was going to make good on his word and begin the paperwork for retirement, effective after the trial. It would give him time to tie up loose ends, get a new sergeant, and break in his replacement. He would take some time off and then maybe do some security work, consulting, something to keep busy during the days so he can devote every single night to making Olivia happy. To show her how much she is loved. To be the rock of a father Serena needed and deserved. He would request more time with Eli. First, he had to reconcile all the shit that piled up on his desk.

Fin rolled in around 7:30 looking a hell of a lot better than he did when he left. Good for him. Elliot called him into the office. After the usual pleasantries and catching up, he asked the question that has been irking him since he left her building yesterday morning.

"Hey, did you arrange the security at Liv's apartment?" Olivia had connections and could surely arrange anything herself, but those guys could only come from the man in front of him.

Fin answered immediately, not even looking guilty. "Yeah. She asked for the favor and I was happy to help. Those guys owed me one. I'm assuming you saw the zoo outside?" He was ready to defend, even though Elliot was his superior.

"Yeah. No, thanks man. I appreciate it. If I can't have her back, at least I know they're both protected" Elliot conceded. Fin just nodded and turned to walk back to his own pile of paperwork.

-SVU-

Olivia watched from behind her curtains as the reporters weren't yet up and ready for the big news of the day. It was way too early. Serena was up pacing the living room all night. Liv couldn't get her to sit and relax no matter how hard she tried. They were both exhausted, but Serena was practically sleepwalking. Jersey really was a good idea. She seemed able to let her body rest there and Liv didn't see a point in waiting any longer so, they grabbed their bags and headed out. The two men who guarded upstairs greeted them and helped carry their stuff down since Serena didn't use the elevator.

"Don't you guys sleep?" inquired Liv. They had been guarding them since Saturday morning. Even though Liv didn't leave the apartment at all yesterday, she knew that they wouldn't have left without notice or else they would have had to answer to Fin.

They both smiled but the smaller of the two, Stefan, spoke. "Don't worry Sergeant. We know what we're doing. When we were Rangers, we learned to sleep standing up! Anyway, we were going to take a break and switch out today but seems to me like you won't need us today" he said indicating their bags and the early hour.

"No but thank you. I'm not sure when we'll be back but please, get some rest." They nodded and were met by the other two guards downstairs who made sure the way to the car was clear. Olivia thanked them all profusely before heading towards the bridge. Once they hit the first rest stop on the parkway, the same one they stopped to talk at just a few days ago, Liv put the top of the mustang down. Serena always seemed to be freer when she had the sun hitting her face and the wind blowing her hair.

The ride was relatively quiet. They kept the music on in the background since silence was a no no for Serena. Traffic was light this early in the morning and they made good time. In fact, they pulled up to the security gate when Olivia's alarm would have normally been snoozed. When she pulled into Bernie's driveway, the older woman practically ran outside. Her home health aide, Maddie, had just pulled in next to her car.

"Olivia darling! I am so glad to see you" she exclaimed as she pulled her in for a hug.

Before Bernie could say anything more, Olivia spoke quickly while holding her tighter. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to just run out on you. It wasn't you or this place, it was all me. I...I…"

"Shh" Bernie comforted as she rubbed Olivia's back. "No dear, you don't have to apologize. I was right here and saw it all. I let Elliot have it, don't you worry. And the kids who aren't kids anymore? They got a piece of my mind as well. You don't have anything to be sorry for."

Liv pulled back a bit. "I ran out on him. I tend to do that ya know. He's probably so pissed at me but God" she let out a deep breath and seemed to deflate. "I am just so tired and, and I don't know what." She felt as if all the exhaustion of the past few days slammed down on her at once. This place really was a haven. Bernie placed a kiss on her forehead.

"Come on inside. Rest. You're home now." Olivia suddenly felt like crying and before she could stop herself, she was. Not a sobbing or even the kind of cry that takes your breath away, just tears that needed to be released. "Your room is waiting dear." She practically pushed Olivia through the doors and once she made her way to Elliot's room, her room, their room? she collapsed on the bed.

The whole time, Serena was standing back, watching. When her mother had gone inside, she stepped up. "Can we stay for a little while Gramma? Momma needs to sleep, and the apartment is just so small and there were so many people outside that we were trapped and hi Maddie" she said. She was making sense up to a point, but it was obvious that the child was practically delirious.

"Hi honey!" welcomed Maddie as Bernie placed her hand on Serena's back, urging her forward into the house.

"Will you take care of us too while we're here? I need bandages and Momma doesn't like changing them." Maddie nodded and agreed as they all walked towards the bedroom where Olivia lay dead to the world already. Between the two older women, they got Olivia situated into a more comfortable position on the bed and got Serena tucked in next to her. The child gave into sleep immediately.

"She knows she's safe here Maddie" explained Bernie. "They both do. They know they are home."

Olivia was wakened by the sound of screaming. It took a minute for her to get her bearings, but Serena was screaming and thrashing in the bed beside her. Screaming was an understatement. She was letting loose with blood curdling shrieks that rattled Liv's bones. Bernie and Maddie arrived at the doorway but only stood there. Liv grabbed her daughter's hands and pulled her upright. "Serena, open your eyes and look at me. Open your eyes Serena. Wake up." She had to shout over the screams in order to be heard. Olivia rubbed her thumbs over her daughter's hands and kept talking, gradually lowering her voice until the teen stopped screaming.

She tried to force air into her lungs, which was exceedingly difficult. Each gulp seemed to make her chest rattle. "He's dead, Momma. He's dead." She briefly scanned the room before squeezing her eyes shut once more. Serena continued to wail for quite some time, breathing heavy and holding onto Olivia's hands.

"It was just a dream Serena. You're awake now baby. It's okay." She continued to soothe her child until she calmed down enough to wheeze. She had been doing so well these last couple days that she didn't need the oxygen tank, but Liv knew she wouldn't be able to function without it today. Maddie seemed to read her mind as she came fully into the room and easily manipulated the cannula into place.

"I made breakfast, but I wasn't sure you'd be up yet. You were both so exhausted that I thought you'd sleep all day!" stated Bernie, trying to bring some normalcy back. Liv looked at the clock. 10:22am. Bernie was right, and it was going to be a long day.

-SVU-

What a day for Elliot. Since Carlson was arraigned so late on Thursday and then everything was closed for the holiday weekend, the press was itching to pounce for details, especially after being told he changed his plea. As the head of SVU as well as being personally involved with the child in question (thank God the press still didn't know he was her father) he was dodging questions outside of the station house, but thanks to the chief, he had to give a formal statement in the afternoon. Liv was still disconnected with the outside world with her cell going straight to voicemail (meaning it was off) and the landline not even connecting (meaning she probably unplugged it). He wasn't about to embarrass himself again by showing up uninvited at her door, so he had much time to stew, wallow, and rage. He had to tell her what happened. It had to come from him.

"Hey Fin" he called out from the open door of his office. When the detective poked his head in, Elliot plunged ahead. "I need a favor man. I'm not on Liv's list of people to see, but I've gotta tell her the details about Carlson. What his attorney is claiming. Since I didn't tell her right away after you called, it's gotta be me man. Can ya help me out?"

Fin looked confused for just one second before he composed himself. "My guys said Liv and Serena left very early this morning. She told them that they had to get out before the press pounced. My guys got them to the car around 4:30 and watched them go. Da'Shawn said they each had a bag and she thanked them all, so it didn't seem like they were returning today." It was approaching quitting time, close to 8pm and he would call his guys back if he needed to.

"They head towards the bridge?" When Fin nodded, Elliot knew. "Sonofabitch! She headed back to Jersey." He had such a look of concentration on his face that Fin just walked back to his desk. Elliot called his mother. "Hey Mom, are the girls there? I mean, Liv and Serena. I know she probably asked you not to tell me, but Ma, I just wanna make sure they're okay. Please?"

"Hello dear" Bernie sounded so chipper. Different than the last time he spoke to her, which is a great thing. "She didn't tell me to keep their presence a secret so yes, they are here. Exhausted though son. More tired than I could ever imagine. They arrived at the break of dawn and got a bit of sleep, but Serena had such a nightmare! I've never heard such screaming. It took a long time for Olivia to calm her down and neither has relaxed since. I'm hoping I can coax them back to bed now that the sun is setting, but you know Serena."

"Damn" he expelled. "Okay Mom, I need to speak to Olivia. She's not gonna wanna talkta me, but she's just gotta listen. Put me on speaker if you need. Please Ma." After being the consummate professional all day with the press and the brass, his accent became thick now that he was talking to family. He needed to hear her voice. He needed to be the one to tell her the details that he now knew inside out before she heard it on the news. Thank God no one in that house was much for television viewing and Serena listens to music without ads. He heard his mother call for Olivia before putting her hand over the phone, making the only sounds he heard turn into muffled mumbles. He held his breath that she would take his call. Before he had a chance to become concerned, he heard her voice.

"Hello?" That's all she said. Curt, crisp.

"Hey. Liv I know that...we gotta...okay don't hang up." He had to get his thoughts straight and he didn't want her getting impatient.

She had to interrupt. "Elliot. Stop. Are you okay?"

At least she was still concerned about his well-being. She was Olivia after all, he shouldn't have been surprised. "Liv, I'm fine but... I...I needed to be the one to tell you. I shoulda as soon as I knew. I'm sorry that..." Her end of the line was silent, which Elliot knew was not necessarily a good thing. She tended to overthink things and something like this she was bound to overthink and put the blame on herself. "Liv, I can't see you so ya gotta talk to me luv." Terms of endearment were always good.

"Okay." She said 'okay' to almost everything, but she sounded so hollow. "Okay, it's fine. Thanks for calling. I need to check on Serena. Bye Elliot." That's all he got before she hung up. Well screw that! She was angry with him for something he had no clue about, she hired security and made sure they kept him away, and now they have to deal with another potentially life-altering situation, and she brushed him off as if he told her he was cancelling an appointment. No. That's not gonna fly. He checked his watch. She couldn't keep him away from his mother's house. He could be there before they went to bed, because as hard as his mom will try, they were not about to go to sleep, especially after hearing that.

He grabbed some files and his keys before locking his office door. "Okay, I'm out. Goodnight everyone. Get some sleep and I'll see ya all in the morning. Maybe we can get back to some kinda normal or…" he didn't finish, just waved and headed towards his truck. With Liv gone and him having one foot out the door, there would not be some kind of normal for them for quite a while.

-SVU-

Serena was having such a horrible day! After waking up screaming after barely four hours of sleep in as many days, she was walking on pins and needles swearing that The Doctor was dead. Olivia never knew her daughter to be clairvoyant and since Carlson was currently rotting in Rikers, she dismissed the dream to nerves and worry over the trial. All day long she was on edge, never able to sit still, then Elliot called.

"What happened?" Serena asked as soon as her mother hung up.

Liv took a deep breath. "Nothing baby. Elliot wanted to tell me the details of what happened in court, but I don't need to know that right now. You are my only concern."

Serena wrapped her arms around her midsection as if holding herself together. "You have to tell Elliot to check The Doctor's teeth." She got a pained expression on her face like she was saying something forbidden. "He has a molar cap filled with cyanide just in case" she finished.

"Serena, how do you know about the cyanide?" she questioned. Please, please, please just let it be from him talking about it. Please don't let her be his experiment. Somehow, deep down, she knew that is exactly how.

"He was so proud once he perfected being able to keep them in your mouth without them breaking and killing you. You can't even feel it let and no one can see it unless they know what to look for." The look on Serena's face twisted and her chest started heaving right before she burst into tears.

"Jesus!" Liv swore under her breath as she grabbed her daughter close. Serena fought her hold at first, wailing as her attempts to push away were easily thwarted. She finally went limp against Olivia's chest and cried, for a long time. Olivia could kick herself; she kept wondering when the tears, flashbacks, and PTSD would assert themselves because she could handle that. Well, as she fought to hold her child still while her own face was covered in tears, her chest ached because her heart was breaking in her arms. Olivia would indeed tell Elliot, only she would tell him to smash the piece of shit in the jaw so the cyanide would take effect and the good doctor would rot in hell. For now, she tightened her grip and tried to breathe. When Serena finally cried herself out and was down to a few hiccups, she tried to speak.

"He won't tell anyone. (hiccup) He always said what happened would stay between us even if little bits got out. (deep, shuddering breath) He won't tell. He'll keep his promise, that's what the molar is for. He said he'd die before anyone knew." The tears started again, and she stammered for breath but didn't say anything else. Liv had so much to say to her. Keeping the details a secret only hinders the healing. The secrets allow him to win and unless you confront them, they will continue to eat at your soul. All these things and more were on the tip of her tongue, but once Serena put her arms around Liv's neck and pulled herself closer resting her cheek against her shoulder, Liv figured those words could wait for a calmer time. This is what she's wanted, for her daughter to want to find comfort in her arms. She was not about to spoil it.

"You're both so tired Olivia. What can we do?" asked Bernie who stood alongside Maddie, who stayed later than usual claiming she promised Serena she would take care of them too. Liv didn't know what to tell her. She had tears streaming down her own cheeks, she was tired in her bones which was nothing compared to what Serena was feeling but neither was willing to lie down. Liv was content to sleep sitting up as long as her daughter was in her arms. It was Maddie to the rescue.

She was aware that Serena wouldn't swallow pills, but she was able to make a concoction of Dr. Paxton's sleeping pills and the painkillers for the child to drink. She also finagled a sleeping pill into Olivia's juice, so they were absorbed rather than digested. They were potent so both women should sleep deeply and hopefully peacefully, which they both desperately needed and neither Benson was the wiser. Maddie claimed they both needed to hydrate and the juice in her hand would help. Serena had to be cajoled and the glass had to be held for her, but she drank hers down eagerly. Liv followed suit. Before either knew what was going on, they were swaying in their seat. Both women helped them into bed once again making them comfortable hoping they would stay asleep for longer than a glorified nap.

Elliot arrived shortly after 10:15. He had to park half up on the sidewalk because Maddie's car was still next to Liv's in the driveway. He thought that was strange because the aide didn't have to come when the girls were there, so why was she spending the night? The house was dark save for a nightlight in the living room. He didn't think anyone besides his mom had gone to sleep. Liv and Serena must be out walking the beach but when he made his way into his room, he stopped short. Liv was sleeping on her stomach, which was something she hardly ever did, and she was spread out on his side of the bed. It didn't seem like she "just" fell asleep either. Her right hand hung over the side while her left held onto Serena's. Liv had her head turned away from the doorway and one leg bent. Serena was on her back with her machine doing her breathing for her, the rise and fall of her chest creating a steady rhythm. The ac was on and they were covered perfectly. Elliot knew his mother must have tucked them in, meaning they didn't voluntarily lay down. He got here rather quickly after his phone call, so something must've happened like another trigger for the kid, but they were both out cold and looked peaceful and that is all that mattered. He kissed his daughter, walked over to the other side, kissed Liv's head and sat down to hold her hand. He sat there for the longest time counting his blessings and kicking himself for making her feel less than she is worth. He would make it up to her. Both of them. He watched and listened to the hum before succumbing to his own exhaustion.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX