A/N: Sorry for the update delay. I moved from NY to South Carolina and wow! What an adjustment. Anyway, I'm trying to get back in the writing groove so here is the next chapter.
Chapter 39
Oh what the hell am I doing? That question kept rolling around in Serena's head, but she kept walking up the strip towards the house that looked so much like Bernie's, only dark green and unkempt. She got passed the house next to it when she heard the dog bark.
"Peace girl. Forget something?" She couldn't see the body behind the voice and that set her nerves, causing her to stop on the beach facing the back deck, her breath quickening, her eyes darting all around.
"I can't see you. P-please show yyyourselfff." She couldn't stop the quaver in her voice but if he was the type of boy she thought he was, he would understand.
"I'm sorry" he said as he came up from under the deck, making her jump back a little. "I didn't mean to scare you. Wasn't thinking, but then again, I wasn't expecting anyone."
"Well, we weren't finished talking. You were telling me about Mr. Wallace. I say, if you got it and you're proud, flaunt it!" She waited to see if he would push her away or play along.
"Where did you come from?" He had a confused look on his face.
Serena stammered a bit. "Ummm, my gramma's house. I don't...I" she stopped when she saw him smile and shake his head.
"No! I meant, like life. You are nice. Genuinely nice, even after what you've been through. I know you didn't come here to talk about speedo dude and yet you just…" He looked down at the sand. "I'm sorry about what my grandmother said about you not talking. And that you had to hear...what you did in that way. I've been in that group for over a year and nobody knows. Grandma doesn't understand."
"Well, it's not her story to tell. Actually, I could say a lot to that but as someone told me, I learned a long time ago what to say to who and when." With that, she caught his eyes, and a shy smile. They talked about nothing for a while, something Serena was not used to but found she thoroughly enjoyed when suddenly, she heard her name. "That's my mom. Why is she shouting so loud? Sheesh!" Together they walked towards the shoreline and as she turned around to wave her location, she saw her mother's face.
When Olivia came out of the shower, she didn't see Serena inside, so she assumed she went back onto the patio. It was shaping up to be a beautiful day, everyone would be home from church soon and she wanted to get breakfast started. She had to tell Elliot about Serena's therapy and she had to make sure he, and Barba knew about her "official complaint." She dressed and threw her hair up in a ponytail. "Serena, can you make some muffins while I get breakfast started?" No answer. She went outside to look, and she wasn't there. The puppies were now trailing her feet and she couldn't see her daughter by the wall or her spot by the water. "Serena?" Her voice started to waver. Nononononononono. This is not happening. Not again. "SERENA!" She shouted as she ran down the steps and walked towards the water, looking everywhere. "SERRREEEENNAAAAA!" she screamed as loud as her voice would go. There. She saw her waving from down the strip, walking with some boy. Liv ran, but she was already out of breath.
Olivia looked terrified which confused Serena at first, then she realized she never told her mother she was leaving the patio and since they were practically under the deck, she was nowhere in sight. "Oh no!" she said causing Salomon to give her a questioning look before she went running. When she caught up to her mother, they both stopped. "I'm sorry! I'm right here, I'm fine Momma. I'm right here." Liv was breathing like she ran a marathon. Her mouth was open and her eyebrows were furrowed, then suddenly, she stopped inhaling. "Shit Momma. I wasn't thinking. I should have told you I was walking away. I'm sorry but you need to calm down. I'm here. Look! I'm good." She put Liv's hands on her cheeks and kept eye contact. She knew what her mother was feeling all too well. Liv was searching her eyes frantically and Serena knew she must have been reliving the day she found out she was missing. She grabbed both of Liv's hands to her chest. "Salomon, get me a cold, wet paper towel please. Hurry." He was big but he was fast. "It's okay, take a breath. Feel me." When the boy came back, she let go for only long enough to grab the towel and wrap it around both of Olivia's wrists, then trapped her mother's hands in her own again. They were shaking.
"Is she okay?" he asked. Kids in therapy act like this sometimes when they first begin to confront their abuse, but he'd never seen an adult act this way, especially one he knew was a cop.
"She is having a sort of panic attack. I know exactly what those are like. I was upset earlier and I stupidly walked away while she was in the shower. I imagine that when she couldn't find me, she just... She'll be okay, won't you Momma? I'm right here and I'm okay." Serena was getting very concerned. She tried to remember reading exactly how long someone could go without breathing before they passed out when suddenly,
"Never do that again!" Liv blurted out, effectively taking in air but not relaxing her grip. "You are grounded for life young lady." She sounded like her badass cop persona; Salomon looked scared, but Serena knew better.
"Okay" was all Serena could say before her mother grabbed her in her arms and held her as tight as she did that day in the park. Serena was in an awkward position so it was a bit painful, but she wasn't about to complain.
It was obvious to the young man how much these two loved each other. It pained him a bit because it was not something he could relate to. He didn't want to leave, but he felt weird just standing there watching. His discomfort was alleviated when Serena guided her mother around, back towards the house.
-SVU—
Serena made it her mission to make it up to her mother by doing everything she was supposed to do. She even volunteered to go to the bathroom, before Elliot could tell her to. The only thing she couldn't do was voluntarily go to bed. Kathy came to get Eli after dinner since they were already on their way home from Atlantic City. That worked out perfectly since Olivia had just told him about their appointment with Rachel in the morning. He seemed quite surprised but glad that she was willing to talk to someone. He didn't intervene when Liv had a discussion with Kathleen about boundaries, even though he didn't understand what the "big deal" was. Neither Benson had mentioned Liv's episode once they were back in the house. Now she was laying on the chaise lounge on the back patio, looking up at the stars. She couldn't turn her mind off.
Salomon is so big, how could anyone hurt him? He all but admitted that he really didn't have a penis but how could it come off? Did his coach cut it off? Did he get an infection and have to have it removed? Does he pee from a straw? No, that's stupid. Worst of all, how could his own grandmother treat him like that? These are the questions she kept replaying in various ways. Couple those with her being a bit nervous about therapy, and she was up for the long haul tonight.
Olivia knew her daughter wouldn't be sleeping tonight. She too, was lying awake in bed thinking about the day's events and what tomorrow would bring. When Kathy called and asked if they would mind if she picked up Eli on her way, she was thrilled. She loved that little boy, as she loved all of them, as her own but it would make the morning logistics much easier. Kathleen was properly chagrined after their pretty much one-sided discussion, but Olivia was secretly so glad that the young Stabler did what she did. Serena would never have gone to therapy on her own, no matter how much cajoling Liv may have done. She was surprised that it was group therapy of all things.
Liv got out of bed carefully so as not to wake Elliot and made her way outside. Sure enough, there was Serena sitting like a statue, just staring into space. Literally. "What's on your mind? Worried about our meeting tomorrow?" she asked as she scooted her daughter aside so she can fit comfortably. If Serena didn't want company, she would have chosen the chair or the steps or something that didn't fit two people. She knew her mother as well as her mother knew her.
"No. Salomon. What could have happened that caused him to lose his penis?"
"Honey, you and I know better than anyone the atrocities that humans can inflict on one another. If Salomon knew about your injuries, he'd probably be up asking himself the same question."
Serena snuggled down into Liv. They always fit perfectly together, no matter how tall the teen got. Liv felt her body instantly relax as did her daughter's. "I'm scared Momma. Not like, scared for my life, but scared nonetheless."
Liv ran her hand up and down Serena's arm. "So am I baby. What are you afraid of?" She vowed to be honest and she knew that her honesty brought out Serena's.
"I can't explain it. The Doctor promised he would never tell anybody anything and I know he won't. I just know it. And I just hate that people know anything, let alone them finding out any sort of details. Some of the things I did were just… Anyway, I don't want you to look at me like you look at the women who you help. You have this look, and your voice changes and I don't want that aimed at me. I just want to forget and be normal-well as normal as I can with everything. Why are you scared, because I already told you twice that you are not failing me in any way?"
Olivia didn't miss what she said about the things she did but filed it away for now. "Believe it or not, I'm scared of knowing." When Serena turned her head up to look at her questioningly, she clarified. "As your mother, I need to know everything that happened to you. TO you sweet girl. Whatever happened, whatever you did was not your…"
"I know" Serena interrupted before trying to stifle a yawn. "But I was little, and a girl. Salomon is such a big boy...never mind. Thank you, Momma. I haven't said that to you but thank you. I'm good now because of you." She turned on her side and wrapped her right arm around Liv's chest until it rested on her left shoulder. Olivia just pulled her tighter, adjusted the blanket that Serena had resting at her feet, kissed her head and just felt the moment. It wasn't long before they were both sleeping under the fading starlight.
Elliot heard his alarm and immediately shot his hand out to silence it before it woke up Liv. He knew he needn't have bothered the minute he felt the cold sheets next to him. I've gotta get that kid to sleep so Liv can stay in bed through the night. He loved waking up next to her. If she was laying on her side, she was snuggled in like a child resting on her hands with the covers up to her nose. If she was laying on her back, her hair was always disheveled and spread out on the pillow, her mouth slightly open and lightly snoring. He could listen to that like a lullaby. On the rare occasion that she slept on her stomach, he knew she was too exhausted to move. He stretched and scratched and got ready for work. When he left their room, he walked outside and even though he hated that they weren't in bed, he loved the sight that greeted him. Both Bensons were cuddled up looking like angels in the morning sun. If it were any other day, he would have kissed both their heads and went straight to work, but they had their appointment with Serena's therapist today and they couldn't be late. He went back inside, greeted his mother in the kitchen, and made a cup of coffee. He went back and held it under Olivia's nose as was his new way to wake her. It took a few minutes, but she finally began to stir.
Serena smelled the coffee first. "Mmmmm, five more minutes" she mumbled as she rolled over. Elliot let out the biggest guffaw that caused Olivia to open her eyes and blink back the morning sun. She just stared at her partner, at a loss as to why he was laughing so heartily this early in the morning.
"Baby, I would kill to hear you say that on any other day" he finally managed as Liv took her mug. "Sorry angel but today I'm told we have to meet with a possible therapist, so we need to get moving." Both brunettes sat up, yawned and stretched.
"Good morning Daddy" said the young one with a bright smile. Both adults just stared for a moment before Serena jumped up and ran inside. "Bathroom, come on! I gotta get dressed!" Elliot raised his eyebrows to Liv, who kissed his lips and shooed him inside as she immediately followed.
-SVU-
When they were finally escorted into a meeting room, they were greeted by no less than five people, dressed as if they were going grocery shopping. It was supposed to make them seem approachable to the kids they treated. Serena was excited until she saw the reception and she quickly grabbed Elliot's hand and hid behind his back. There were four males: the lead psychiatrist, the head administrator, two others and Rachel. After all the pleasantries were complete, they sat down. Serena sat between her parents with their chairs very close on either side.
The head administrator, Dr. Feshmon, was not too keen on the idea of Serena just joining group. "Ms. Benson, I understand that there have been no mandates for therapy for your daughter, but after what she's been through, and I assure you I only know from what Rachel and Kathleen have told me, it is highly recommended. This facility is a residential treatment facility above all else. We treat everything from bipolar and other mental/emotional disorders to suicide watch to victims of all types of assault. Everyone benefits from a full submersive experience. We believe that adolescents who are suffering in any way need to have round the clock specialty care and a specific routine that accommodates their needs. Now, if we agree to treat Serena, I would need her doctor to mandate therapy with a specific treatment plan in mind and we can get her processed. You would be able to visit her daily during visiting hours and her length of stay will be dependent upon her participation in her own recovery. We find that we can outpatient after six weeks but with someone who has had Serena's extent of trauma...well frankly I have never seen anyone with that extent of trauma so I will not even postulate a time frame."
"What?" Elliot questioned.
"NO!" shouted Serena.
"I'm confused" stated Olivia as all three spoke at the same time. "We were told that our daughter could come and attend group therapy sessions as long as she is willing and now you're telling us that she has to move in here. Is that my understanding? Because that is not happening."
Dr. Kahn, the lead psychiatrist, spoke up. "Ms. Benson…"
"Sergeant Benson" Olivia interrupted. These guys seemed like sticklers for titles and she earned hers as well. She would love to have them call her Olivia, but she wasn't feeling that connection yet.
"Forgive me Sergeant, but now I'm a bit confused. Wouldn't you like your daughter to get treated. We find that residential treatment is most effective, especially in cases where the child is experiencing PTSD and flashbacks, which I assume Serena has begun."
Elliot spoke up then. "Yes, she has and you may be experts in your field, but we are experts on Serena. We have found that the ONLY thing that calms her, is her mother, who is absolutely amazing with her. She also needs the freedom to be outdoors at any time of day or night. And I have to say, how could you think of separating her from us when she was gone for two years? That makes no kinda sense! She'd be going from one type of prison to another."
"I wanna go home please" Serena whispered to Olivia. "I wanted to talk to kids who could understand, but I don't want to be here all the time! I wanna stay with you, Momma!" She turned towards Elliot. "Daddy, please let's go home."
"Ms, Sgt. Benson, Lt. Stabler" Rachel interjected. "When Kathleen asked if Serena could sit in on a group, I took the chance and I'm glad I did. She was willing to participate on her first day and what she shared...well, I believe she would benefit from her time in group tremendously, but she also must have individual sessions that are tailored just for her situation. That is essential to her recovery and this facility requires residency and gradual reintegration. She needs to learn to calm herself and cope on her own, without being dependent on anyone, not that you aren't doing a wonderful job with her, but our success rate is unprecedented. You can surely agree with that? I mean, the fact that she asked to come back tells us how much she needs this."
Olivia stood up and Elliot immediately followed. Serena was ready to run. "I, we have been dealing with victims of sexual assault for over two decades, so I have practically seen it all. I agree she needs professional help and I will make sure she gets it, but she does not need to be taken away from her family to receive it. The days of her being out of my reach, out of my sight are over. Thank you so much Rachel for your time and efforts. I appreciate you all meeting with us. Good day gentlemen." And with that, she grabbed her daughter's hand and walked towards the door.
They took two cars since Elliot had to go to work. They walked to the parking lot in silence. When they got to the mustang, Elliot bent down to look his daughter in the eye. "If this is what you want, just tell me and I'll make it happen. If you want to be here just for group, I'll fight them all the way to the state board. The choice is yours."
Serena kept her eyes downcast while shaking her head. Elliot held his arm out to the side for a hug but she surprised him when she jumped into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist as he stood up. He held her just like he used to when she was little, with her face buried in his neck. Liv gasped as she watched before placing her head on her daughter's back. They hugged for a few moments before Elliot's phone rang. He let it go to voicemail, but they all knew he had to hit the road; he was already late. He put Serena down, kissed her forehead as she got in the passenger's seat, grabbed Liv in a fierce hug before kissing her goodbye and got in his car.
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