The days continue on in much the same manner, I wake up and Alice comes in with breakfast. We chat for a while, and I am pleasant, but not overly friendly. I can see that there is pain behind Alice's eyes as I rebuff her attempts at rekindling our friendship, but I know this situation is only temporary, and I refuse to allow myself to be hurt any more by this family. Further, with the last vestiges of the fog absent from my brain I am able to fully reflect back on my memories and see our friendship for what it truly was, a chance for Alice to experience second hand humanity.
Next I go to m sessions with Rosalie where she tries in vain to get me to talk about my nightmares and about my abandonment issues. She tries every method she can think of, from demanding my cooperation to pleading with me, to attempting to offer me incentives. I actually laughed when she tried that one, there is nothing I want, at least not anything that she is capable of delivering. My sessions usually end with me giving her something as a way for me to leave the confines of the room.
My afternoons are spent in a variety of different ways. Sometimes I bake with Esme, treats for Carlisle to bring to the hospital. Emmett and I play video games, but he always wins. Jasper, Carlisle and I watch historical documentaries that I don't care about. The first one we watched was about military weapons throughout history. I caught Carlisle watching my face nervously and I asked him what was wrong. He said he'd expected me to be bothered by the gore. I told him it didn't bother me anymore.
Alice made attempts at getting me out of the house, but I did not want to deal with people. For that matter I also did not want to deal with Alice, or Alice's idea of entertainment
I rarely saw Rosalie outside of our sessions, which she told me was to keep me from feeling uncomfortable with telling her things in our sessions. She said that if I was worrying about her analyzing me when we were spending time with the family that there was no way for her to do her job properly.
As of yet no one had spoken of the missing Cullen's whereabouts, and I must admit that I am curious as to where he could be and why no one has said anything about him. I keep expecting someone to slip up and mention something about him, but in truth I know better. Vampires never slip.
However my curiosity is beginning to get the better of me and that is how I find myself in one of Rosalie's more militant sessions interrupting her to ask about her estranged brother.
"… really Bella, I can't see how you can expect me to get anywhere if you don't open your mouth and say something –
"Where's Edward?"
She stops speaking immediately and stares at me for a moment.
"Not here."
I resist the urge to roll my eyes at her, but it is a close thing.
"I understand that. I was hoping that perhaps you could narrow it down a bit more."
"I really can't."
"Because he doesn't want me to know where he is," it is not a question but a statement. Although I cannot help but wonder if what he thinks I'm going to do about it if I know where he is. It's not like I can easily just jump on a plane and stalk him. It's not like I would stalk him, he made his opinions on me very clear.
"No Bella, because I don't know where he is."
"What do you mean you don't know where he is?"
Rosalie sighs, "He hasn't lived with us for a while now. He checks in with us every few months and Esme and Alice plead with him to come home to us, but he never does. He used to come visit upon occasion, if we were vacationing and he was near us or if it was an important day or something like that, but it's gotten less frequent. He used to call once a week, and visit once a month, then it turned into calling once a month and visiting twice a year. No his calls are sporadic at best, and he hasn't visited in over a year. Last time he called he was in Southern England."
I am momentarily stunned by this information, "Why doesn't one of you go to see him?"
She laughs without humor, "You think we haven't tried that? A while back Edward called and Emmett and I got on the next plane to where he was, but by the time we'd gotten there, he'd already moved on. He uses burn phones or pay phones wherever he goes, so we can't track him that way, and because of air travel he can go from place to place without us ever knowing."
"What about Alice's visions?"
"He can actually circumvent those fairly easily by buying multiple tickets and getting on a plane at random. Plus, she doesn't see him that well these days unless she's looking for him, and he knows how to work the holes in her visions so well she's somewhat powerless."
"What about his bank accounts? Or his passports?"
"Bella, one of the first things we all learned upon joining this family is how to cover your tracks. As soon as he left us Edward emptied his bank accounts and moved the money around into multiple smaller accounts stashed all over the world. Even when we find one it's useless because he's either emptied it or it sits dormant. He also has countless new aliases that we know nothing about. Whenever we find one he burns it and the information is useless. From what we can piece together Edward is living some sort of high class nomadic lifestyle moving from place to place almost as soon as his feet touch the ground."
I take a moment to absorb all of this, and somehow managing to keep my composure I say, "That must mean that he's finding a lot of distractions out there,"
Rosalie tilts her head to the side, as if she is confused, "I imagine there must be some." That is where she ends the session.
SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA
I am sitting in my room staring at the ceiling when Alice comes in. She has a pout on her face, and I know she wants something from me.
She sits on the edge of my bed and slowly inches closer until she is sitting right up against me. I continue to stare at the ceiling and she sighs. I resist the urge to look at her face. I want to win this particular fight, even if I don't know what I'm fighting her on.
She sighs again and puts her head on my shoulder. I can easily picture her golden eyes staring up at my face, waiting for me to crack and look down at her, or move in the slightest. I wonder why I am fighting her, this can only end one way, and is not with me winning. Silently admitting defeat I turn to look at her.
"What do you want Alice?" My tone is not exactly pleasant.
"Bella, why do you hate me now?" Although the despair in her tone seems overdone, I can actually hear the pain behind her words.
"I don't hate you Alice, I just don't particularly like you at the moment. Of course I don't suppose I dislike you either, I guess I'm really quite neutral on the topic."
"We used to be like sisters Bella," her tone is now more normalized and I can tell she is gearing up for a serious discussion about this. I recognize that I have been avoiding this discussion and that I have now reached the limits of Alice's patience.
"Were we Alice? I mean really?"
She furrows her brow, she is clearly confused by my statement, "Yes, we were Bella. We would hang out and watch movies and go to the mall and I would give you makeovers, that's what sisters do. We would stay up all night talking, but now it's like I have to pull teeth just to get a few words out of you."
I remind myself to watch my tone, that for as much as Alice can act the part of a human girl, she does not have a human past to draw on as the others do. It is difficult.
"No Alice, that's not what sisters do. That's what sisters in movies do. That's what best friends in movies do. And while no, I will not deny that that is a big part of being a sister or a friend in reality, it is only a part of it, and a superficial part at best."
Alice is angry with me now, she is tense.
"So what then Bella? What part was I missing to be counted as your sister?"
"You don't want to hear it," I warn.
"Oh trust me, I'm dying to hear it."
I lose control of my temper.
"You didn't stay when I needed you. Sisters fight, they steal each other's clothes, call each other hurtful names, and refuse to apologize sometimes, but in the end they are always there for each other."
Alice looks as if she is about to say something in protest, but I cut her off before she can even get started.
"No, you don't get to argue with me on this, Alice you left me! And I get it, I really truly do. He's your brother, and you love him, and ultimately your loyalties lie with him, and that's perfectly fair. I understood why you left with your family, and I never blamed you for that. But you didn't answer my phone calls, or my emails, or my texts. Hell, you didn't even say goodbye, you didn't even give me that courtesy. I was in hell, and there was nobody there to pull me out."
My eyes are burning, and my cheeks are wet, and I realize that I am crying.
"You can't possibly know what it was like because you weren't there, but let me give you a little taste. I was completely comatose for a week after you left, I couldn't eat, sleep or move without the aid of some seriously powerful drugs. Then I had to deal with my father ranting and raving about how terrible Edward was, and I couldn't deal with that either because regardless of what he did to me, I still loved him! Hell, I still do! And I don't think you realize how sick that makes me feel. Your brother took me out to the woods behind my house, essentially told me that I was fun to have around for a while, but it was time for him to move on. He told me your entire family had already moved on, and he was the only one who stuck around to say goodbye, then he just flitted off into the sunset.
"And if I thought those first weeks were bad, they were nothing compared to the weeks that followed. I had to suck it all up and act normal for Charlie, I had to ignore the gaping hole in my chest so that my father wouldn't worry about me. Then I find out that despite my best efforts Charlie can see right through the lies I've tried to build up, and he's decided that he isn't equipped to deal with it anymore, so he hands me over to a mental institution. Now I realize that you spent some time there yourself in your human life, but I know you don't remember it, so let me bring you up to speed. Every night I would listen to the people around me screaming out for their loved ones, I'd wake up from horrible nightmares to see strangers at the end of my bed with giant needles to sedate me. They'd drug me until I couldn't see straight because they'd ask me about Edward and I would start screaming until they stopped saying his name around me."
I cannot continue I'm sobbing so hard. Alice wraps me up in her arms and draws me close to her. I am so emotionally worn out that I let her.
"The worst part was that Edward didn't just take himself away, he took away my whole family, my whole future, but I couldn't very well explain that to the people there now could I? I tried to give them an edited version once, at the very beginning when I thought they could help me. I told my doctor that Edward and I had planned for a future together, that I'd become a member of his already giant family, that I looked at all of you as my brothers and sisters, and at Esme and Carlisle as an extra set of parents. My therapist just gave me this sad sort of smile and told me I had to be imagining that connection, after all, you all left without a goodbye, and none of you had come to visit me."
Alice pulls me against her even tighter, frantically shaking her head, "It's not true, it's not true, it's not true," she keeps saying the words over and over again like a chant. As if she thinks if she says them enough I'll believe her.
But I don't believe her, because all of the evidence I've seen points clearly to the opposite. I know that it is true, that they don't consider me to be one of them, and that they never did.
I fall asleep with Alice still wrapped around me.
SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA
The next morning when I wake up there is a note on the pillow opposite my head.
Bella,
I'm canceling therapy for today ,Alice told me about last night, and I think you need a break from talking about your feelings for a little bit. I'm proud of you for opening up to her.
Alice is planning on taking you out today, and I think you should go with her, I know she has some things she wants to talk to you about, and I think it's about time you got out of the house, don't you?
Rosalie
I am not happy.
I am not happy at all.
However, I do recognize that I got my chance to vent to Alice last night, and I do feel quite a bit better about things now. It seems only fair to let Alice have her say in the matter, as long as she doesn't try to pretend like everything's rainbows and unicorns. Or try to take me shopping.
There is a knock on my door and I invite the person in, knowing that it will be Alice. She enters the room slowly with a shy look on her face.
"Hey," she says.
"Hey," I reply.
"So, I was telling Rose about our talk last night, and she said that she was going to give you a break from therapy today, and I was wondering if you wanted to come out with me."
I consider her for a moment, "What did you have in mind?"
There is a tiny flicker of hope in her eyes. "Well, I was thinking that maybe we could go to this art museum that's nearby, they're having an exhibition on modern art, and the place is usually pretty empty on week days so you wouldn't have to deal with a ton of people. Then, maybe if you're feeling up to is we can grab you some lunch and talk for a little bit."
I am somewhat impressed with the thought she put into this plan. She isn't making me go somewhere she wants, instead she thought about my limitations and picked a calm place.
I manage a small smile, "sure Alice, just let me get dressed."
A/N: Oh, hey there, remember me?
Sorry about the delay in getting this chapter out there, but it's a little longer than the rest, and I'm probably going to get right to work on the next one as soon as I post this, so hopefully the wait won't be too awful.
