v. five;
Asuka quietly fingers the straw of the styrofoam cup she's drinking her water from as she languidly walks back to her apartment, her small purse idly swinging over her shoulder.
She'd been out for most of the early noon hours for the mini-celebration her coworkers held—it had been at a local sushi restaurant, and she thinks it's a place worth checking out if she is ever in the neighborhood again.
When she had told Judai this morning that she was stepping out for her get-together, he had very enthusiastically shooed her off and urged her to have fun so that she doesn't grow wrinkles forty years too early. She had swung her purse at him in the chest and he backed away from the force, chortling cheekily. She rolls her eyes at the memory, sipping more water. He always teases her like that, and she never likes it because he always ends up getting the last laugh somehow. Unfair.
She vaguely wonders what he could be doing right now that requires Cyber Tutu while she is out of the apartment, but figures it'll be fine. Since she's going back to her apartment anyway, she'll just have to wait a bit longer. (Though, it's hard to deny that the curiosity is still there lingering in the back of her head.)
Absently, Asuka looks at the decorative paper bag swinging at her elbow.
Her colleagues found out that her birthday is today because the school likes to announce employee birthdays in the office. She had been told that the school office was asking for her when her coworkers stopped by in the morning to drop off some paperwork to finalize the end of the semester. They had all pitched in to surprise her with mandarin oranges for good health and also a lovely bouquet of flowers: chrysanthemums and carnations of summery colors.
She remembers the gift bag being shoved to her, the bouquet somewhat peeking out. Everyone smiled at her and insisted she didn't have to pay for her share of sushi today. She felt a bit pampered and it's odd. (It sort of reminds her of Manjoume in a way.)
While she's touched, she hadn't planned to tell anyone of her birthday, honestly. Asuka doesn't see a point to it when her birthday is always teetering between the end of the school year and the beginning of summer vacation, and everyone is preoccupied with either one. Fubuki drops her birthday calls, but that isn't until much later due to the time zone differences. (He said something about how he doesn't mind losing sleep if it means he can talk to her on her birthday, and despite the sleep deprivation, she finds it rather sweet.)
Passing a trash bin, she tosses her empty cup away and reflexively reaches into her pockets for her front keys before she remembers that Judai is still staying with her in her apartment and he had offered to watch the place, so maybe she can forgo the key this time. Asuka slowly opens her front door, a little fatigued. She's pleasant enough of a people person with all the students she takes care of and all the teachers she interacts with, but she likes her quiet time just as much.
"I'm home," she announces to the air, quietly shutting her door and neatly removing her heeled boots. She heads to her kitchen so she can unpack the mandarins and set her bouquet aside before she goes off to find a vase in a cabinet underneath her sink.
She hears footsteps when she kneels down to find a suitable vase. "Welcome back," greets Judai behind her, cordial. She pushes aside several rolled-up trash bags and takes out a slender curved vase. When she stands up, she sees that he is oddly eyeing the table bemusedly. "Oranges and flowers?"
Smiling, Asuka sets the vase on the table and says, "Just a few gifts I got. I could split the oranges with you later?"
A perky grin. "Sure," he easily agrees, and then he beckons her over with a grin. "By the way, come with me for a sec." He snatches her wrist and reassuringly tugs her with him, and she tilts her head inquisitively when he brings them out to her apartment balcony after urging her to step into slippers he prepared.
On the balcony table out here, Asuka can see Judai's duel disk along with his deck and a little wrapped box. The sky is a lovely in-between transition from balmy orange to calming midnight blue: a palette of sunsets and stars. It's like something out of a dream, and she thinks it must be a lovely dream for it to look so incandescent.
She asks, "Why are we out here?"
Not that she can complain, because the sight really is lovely. She hardly comes out to the balcony unless it's to air out the laundry or if she's doing spring cleaning. He doesn't have his blazer on and she wonders if he even feels cold out here like her.
"For this." Approaching his duel disk, he closes his eyes and reopens them—she sees orange-green eyes again, and he activates the duel disk before setting the top card of his deck on it.
Asuka starts gawking because Cyber Tutu is somehow in front of her now, emerging from light. She can tell it isn't Solid Vision; not when he uses those eyes. It's just like when he let her see Winged Kuriboh the other day. Cyber Tutu waves at her with a smile.
"Asuka," Judai calls out when he looks over Cyber Tutu's shoulder with his usual brown eyes, a fond smile on his lips as he gives her the Gotcha! pose. "Happy birthday!"
Eh?
Thoroughly flabbergasted, she lets Cyber Tutu take her hands and twirl her around in a carefree dance. Her beloved monster smiles at her perkily, twirling Asuka in gentle circles. She lets herself move along to the motion, somewhat lackadaisical and slower because it really feels like a dream.
"How did you remember my birthday...?" she asks, breathless, still twirling with Cyber Tutu as she casts Judai a glance. Something bubbles inside her chest. It's not really that cold anymore, which is strange because all this twirling should make her cold, but her heart is unbelievably warm. She hasn't felt so warm in a long time.
Being able to meet and interact with Cyber Tutu had only been something like a wish of hers ever since they were in that other dimension. All he knew was that Cyber Tutu is her favorite card.
Sitting down on a chair at the sidelines, Judai crosses his arms over his chest and smugly says, "You had a note on your calendar. I saw it when I went to grab your blanket from your room the other day." That must be the memo she had left to remind herself about her brother's late-night call. A pause, then Judai beams at her: "And it isn't that hard to remember. The fifth day of the fifth month. Good thing I planned my visit this time!" He nods approvingly at himself.
Cyber Tutu twirls her out with one arm and twirls her back in with merry eloquence. Quietly, Asuka can barely find it in herself to process his words. "You... planned to come back for my birthday?"
Why does it feel like this? She hasn't felt so happy in a long time—is that normal? Is this really a dream? When will it end? She has so many questions bottling up. Is the dance his idea too, or was it Cyber Tutu's? How did he orchestrate this within a few hours?
Judai squirms in his seat, a little embarrassed. "Yeah." He looks away and apologetically murmurs, "Because I forgot to call and tell you Happy Birthday last year when I was away, remember?"
He did this for her because he forgot to tell her Happy Birthday last year?
He did this for her?
A small brave smile, then she gives a teasing: "Hm, I was pretty sad about it." He hadn't sent her a text or a phone call last year. Although, he did call late the following month and apologized, explaining that things had been hectic for him. "I thought you might've forgotten." Though, it's not like she can fault him; she knows that life is always hectic for both of them and generally doesn't mind if she gets birthday wishes or not from others. Sometimes, she even forgets her own birthday due to the school year wrapping up.
Cyber Tutu smiles deviously, as if siding with her. The two of them twirl again in their dance, the girls finding a graceful rhythm. (Asuka used to indulge in dancing for a bit as a child, but only because Fubuki sometimes urged her to dance with him whenever he wanted a dancing partner as their television played dance programs. She's not as rusty as she had presumed.)
"Asuka!" he whines, like she's embarrassing him. (That's true.) "I'm here giving you a good birthday and you call me out like this?"
Asuka laughs—she laughs like there isn't anything to worry about, like there is nothing that could pinprick this dream. Because it's too good to be true, and she rarely has dreams this nice. "Luckily, you made up for it so I forgive you."
She hadn't even been mad in the first place, but here he is now: making sure that she's happy for her own birthday. It's really nice to know that he cares about her feelings more—she knew she had given him a hard time about it during that tag duel, and she had realized that she had been acting unfair to him. He has feelings too, and yet he still bothers to remember what she had said and took them into consideration even now.
Cyber Tutu twirls her out again, then holds Asuka's hands up as the blonde manages an elegant spin underneath. Her monster proceeds to relinquish her hands to do a spinning pirouette towards the other end of Asuka's balcony. Cyber Tutu finishes the dance by landing and smiling with her arms out, smile bright and chest heaving and eyes glistening with starlight.
Also invigorated from the dance, Asuka feels her shoulders being light and free of tension after becoming so immersed in keeping up with Cyber Tutu. She beams with a glow to her face, ethereal, and takes a breath before politely curtseying in her dress. There is no music out here but that's okay; silence is sometimes the best music.
Stepping forward, Cyber Tutu embraces Asuka; waves at her one last time affectionately before she disappears in a burst of light.
Watching her vanish, Asuka thinks about how the impossible became possible tonight. With the way current technology is, Solid Vision could never bring Duel Monsters to life; at least, not for a few more years or even decades no matter how prestigious and affluent Kaiba Corp. can be—but really, what else can she expect from Judai, who likes making the impossible possible? He somehow defied technology for her.
Just because he wanted to make her happy for her special day.
"Admit it: you were having the time of your life just now," Judai cheekily grins at her, semi-smugly, when she plops into a free chair next to him.
Still regaining her breath as the evening wind ghosts her face, she rolls her eyes because there's no place for a retort to that. He is right. "All right. I had the time of my life just now."
"Good girl," he quips whimsically. He takes the box he left on the table next to his deck and leaves it on his palm for her to take. "Also, this is for you. I picked it up after you left."
He got her another present? It seems like the surprises never end with him today.
Curiously, she takes the box and sets it on her palm so she can undo the ribbon and pry the lid off. There is a cupcake sitting inside it, neatly covered in blue icing and cream coating with white sprinkles on it. Blankly, she stares at it.
"At first, I was only going outside for a short walk," he says, leaning back in the balcony chair. "But then I saw this cupcake in the window on my way—the colors reminded me of you, so I had to get it. They ran out of candles though, so I guess you don't have anything to make a wish on." Weakly smiling, he rubs the back of his neck.
Here he is making a fuss about candles and wish-making, of all things, while she's here trying not to gawk. She smiles prettily because this one cupcake means a lot to her. Because it's from him. He said it reminded him of her and got it for her. "It's okay. I don't really care about the candles. I still love it without them." I love you.
He nods pleasantly. "That's good." She is about to start eating it until Judai asks her, "Do you still have a wish in mind, though? Can't hurt to still, y'know, wish for it. It is your birthday, after all."
Thoughtfully, Asuka answers, "I don't think I have any wishes that I really want right now. I'm— I'm content."
Ever since she started living in America, she always celebrates her birthday by herself here. But he defied technology for her. And he's here with her. She really thinks that's enough to make her happy. He already did too much for her. He tried this hard for her, and she thinks it's enough. It's enough for her.
Quietly, she begins to nip at the icing of the cupcake.
He scrutinizes her. "Not even one little thing?"
"Nope," she simply says as she licks at the icing while quietly thinking about him, her feelings, and Yubel. Sometimes, there are things that should not be said—and it's better that way. These feelings have stayed bottled up for years, and it sticks in her heart like something sacred; something untouchable, something unreachable. It's the closest thing to a wish that she can ever come up with because she's pretty content with how her life is so far, but it's simply that unreachable for her. And she knows it.
"Hmm," he hums, letting the conversation trail.
They sit in peace, she snacking on the cupcake and him fiddling through his deck. She sees that he finally finds a card that he's been looking for and sets it on his duel disk, eyes back to orange and green once more.
Winged Kuriboh appears from a burst of light and it flutters to her with a chirp. "Kuri!"
Asuka glances at Judai questioningly. "It wanted to tell you Happy Birthday too," he says, flicking the color of his eyes back to normal. "It wouldn't stop bugging me about it."
Winged Kuriboh flies to sit on her head, and she doesn't mind because this is the liveliest her birthday has ever been after she came to America. Sort of like a mismatched group outing: her, and him, and a winged spirit on her balcony. Unexpected, but she welcomes it.
She stops eating to lift up a hand to pet it, not minding the weight on her head. "Thank you, Winged Kuriboh," she coos endearingly.
It chirps at the recognition, letting itself nuzzle against her palm. She takes another bite of the cupcake, heart fluttery that the little spirit is already attached to her. There's nothing too special about herself, nor does she have a spirit of her own, so she finds its attachment odd but refreshing; endearing even. Maybe it got used to seeing her around because Judai drops by often.
"What about me?" utters Judai, feigning offense. "I planned this whole thing, y'know."
Indulgently, she simpers, "It was very thoughtful of you."
It's not everyday that someone manifests her favorite Duel Monster in front of her for her to dance with because they missed telling her Happy Birthday the previous year. Or buys her a little cupcake when most would just order a premade cake or not buy any at all. With everyone scattered, Asuka can hardly remember the last time she had a celebratory birthday cake in front of her on her special day because she wouldn't have anyone to eat it with. Yet here is Judai, giving her a birthday cupcake that doesn't even have to be shared.
And he did all of this for her.
He tried. For her.
I love you.
He nods seriously, playing along. "Exactly. So I should get some thanks for my overly-thoughtful gesture, huh, Asuka?"
"Thank you, Judai." She rolls her eyes affectionately, taking the final bite of the cupcake and politely swallowing.
His hand cups his ear. "Say it again."
He's grinning and she thinks it looks boyish on him, and it reminds her of the same smile he always used to have when they were still in school and before everything started to go downhill. He has a smile for many things: when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's dueling, when he's being silly. She isn't sure if he's aware of it, but there is something very genuine in the way he smiles and it shows how human he can be. His smiles are brightest when he's truly at peace with something, and she wonders, vaguely, if this is one of those times for him as they sit out here under starlight and tangy orange-blue skylit glows.
Because this is the same smile she saw in pictures. The same smile he gave her when they had their talk at the dorms: the slope of his mouth quirked upward and his eyes softly closed, like there is a heartbreaking sincerity in the way he closed them. (Gotcha! It's been a while since I had such a fun duel! he said that day. She remembered a bittersweetness in her heart at that moment because he really meant that smile and those words, and all she could do was accept it since she couldn't tell him.)
She fell in love with this smile.
I love you. "Thank you," repeats Asuka, softer. Winged Kuriboh floats off her head and lands on her lap, and she pets it.
"Again," he teases with mischievous intent.
"Thank you." Her heart is thumping quickly, the beatings an unsteady rhythm driven from a defeated wistfulness.
Judai looks ready to laugh. It's crazy how he regards everything so casually, like every big thing to her is a small thing for him. "Okay, one last time—"
I love you. "I love you," she blurts instead, her heart shaking heavily against her chest, exposed and finally reaching her peak and she couldn't take it anymore. It keeps echoing in her head, in her heart, and she can't seem to quell it.
I love you I love you I love you I love you but you don't—
Silence. But among this silence, she hears her traitorous heartbeats, hammering at her chest, because she never meant to say it. It somehow came out because it was overwhelming, sort of like a dam breaking from overflowing. And dams can only hold so much before there are signs of leaks. Her heart could only take so much. The inevitable is coming, so she hugs Winged Kuriboh. She hugs it closely for some sort of comfort.
"Asuka…" he begins painstakingly, awkwardly tentative like he has to be very careful or something might happen. She isn't sure about that, because something already did happen and it's late for her to be careful.
She braces herself; steels her heart a bit in a moment of false courage. Of course, it'd be awkward. She expects that. She cannot find small courage for herself in the way he looks down at his hands and sadly clenches them. She cannot find small courage for herself as he looks pained while trying to choose his words to respond with. She cannot find any sort of courage at all as she sits there because she knows what will happen.
A soft sigh, somewhat conflicted and regretful and outright apologetic: "I— Um, I can't accept your feelings." He cannot meet her in the eyes. "I… promised Yubel that I love them. They're in here—" He places a palm on his heart. "—because of what I did. I… made a promise to them a long time ago." He looks like he's contemplating more to say, brows furrowed.
Inevitable.
It's inevitable. She knows.
He doesn't have to say anymore because she already knows. She knew ever since that night at the dorms.
Asuka smiles and tells him, "That's okay." I knew. She smiles. She smiles because she knows her limits. She smiles because she respects his decisions, even if they can sting. She smiles because this is life. (And happily-ever-afters are overrated anyway, right...?) She softly asks, "We can still be friends? All these years of friendship, I think it would be hard to forget that."
She can't really compete with a promise, after all. It wasn't even a contest to begin with, but she has been a little disheveled ever since he told her that he planned to come for her birthday and when she found out he pretty much planned this whole night for her.
Telling him was never in her agenda, but her heart had a difficult time trying to interpret his actions. If this is how he makes it up to her for not telling her Happy Birthday last year, then how does he normally make up missed birthdays to others? Or is she the first? Does he even realize just how deeply impactful all of this means to her? This is probably the first real birthday she's had in years.
The fifteen year old Judai she first met would've just laughed and said that he loves all of his friends and he would completely miss the point of her words. She could have laughed too and passed it off as an idle comment with that Judai, and everything would still be okay.
But she can't do any of that anymore with this current Judai.
It's a little ironic, though. He had to ask around to figure out what fiancé means, yet he instantly knows what a love confession is. Perhaps he is grown up, just in a Judai sort of way. She isn't sure anymore. He shows changes, but they are subtle changes and she feels like she usually sees the same Judai she went to school with. Maybe she still sees him right now.
But in retrospect, the Judai she knew from school didn't have to deal with this.
"Yeah," he awkwardly agrees, like she's something fragile. It makes her heart crack a bit. She is hurt, but she is not fragile. She's not. She isn't. (Maybe?) She has not shown a hint of tears or anything. (Has she?) Why won't he look at her in the eyes? (Is it really that bad?) She can't turn back time, so she faces this with as much dignity as she has left and listens. "You're one of my best friends, Asuka," he says with a soft sincerity, faltering yet honest.
Knowing that she holds some sort of significance in his life, Asuka looks a tad more genuine with her smile. "Mine too, Judai." He still considers her important and she's all right with this. They got along better that way. He prefers it that way, right? He rejected her gently, and that's already pretty thoughtful of him.
"I'm—"
I'm sorry, he will say.
Please don't, she wants to reply with—but she has no courage left to say that. Fifteen year old Asuka could've said that because she hadn't been in love yet, but not anymore. She isn't fifteen right now.
She is in her twenties and in love.
And she doesn't know what to do.
However, one thing that age won't affect for her is the ability to remain strong. Because she's Tenjoin Asuka and she was once the Queen of the Obelisk Blues, and she is supposed to set an example for the rest while knowing when to accept defeat. She's a strong duelist, and this amount of bravery that comes along with this status will become her pillars.
"—Thanks again for today," she interrupts with a small valiant smile, because she really is thankful despite what is happening. (She's trying to keep it together. Is she doing good?) "I had fun. Meeting Cyber Tutu has always been something I wanted. I didn't expect the dance, though, but it was a nice bonus."
Hesitantly, Judai grabs Cyber Tutu's card off his duel disk and quietly offers it to her without meeting her eyes. "No problem. I'm glad I could make it up to you, about missing your previous birthday."
Asuka thinks she is well-acquainted with his mannerisms of guilt by now. So when she grabs Cyber Tutu's card from him, it really hurts in her heart. And she can only blame herself, because it was her who made everything turn out like this.
But she is supposed to stay strong. Strong.
"My next birthday better be as grand as this," she weakly teases, tightening her arms around Winged Kuriboh. (It still looks concerned, and she wishes it wouldn't look at her like that because it isn't her spirit nor is it obligated to care for her like she's its owner—)
"Who knows," Judai says distractedly. It's not a question. It's a statement. It makes her lose a little bit of hope that he would stop by again.
Whatever semblance of a dream she had been feeling earlier is not really a dream anymore—it's not even a nightmare; it's just a dosage of reality. Which is rather sad because this past week made her feel like she was slowly seeing bits of his world, and now she can't anymore. He's locking her out. And it stings. Falling in love was a curse for her, probably.
They sit there for a while, a large invisible wall between them. She tries to pass time by reflecting about how this love even came to be.
It was wholly platonic at first, him being a total goofball and her with her personal quest to find her brother. Then came the Dark World, and everything changed: he no longer smiled, no longer joked, no longer whined, no longer looked alive. Asuka wished that she could've shared some of the burden before he could break and slowly deteriorate on the inside, but she also deteriorated somewhere in the midst of it, overwhelmed by foreign sadness towards him that she didn't remember initially feeling and blaming him for betraying her and their friends. It gives her a blackened feeling in her chest, and it paints her like a villain.
Finding Johan had been terribly exhausting—very strenuous to their relationship, just as she had pointed out before their tag duel and he had walked off, unable to meet her eyes, like he knew it was true but couldn't admit it. She thinks of how guilty Judai always looked, like he wished he could be dead too. And it stings her, because she's an outsider and he had his world locked up and she couldn't enter. No one could've entered, actually.
Ever since she and everyone came back to this dimension, that foreign sadness had warded off from her and she never blamed him for what happened—he can't control everything, after all. He's just an individual like everyone else. He couldn't predict anything. He was just as confused like everyone else. He was just simply a boy who wanted to save his friend; glowed with a bright determination that made him shine. He's nothing bright like the sun, but he shines in a modest and mild way that's enough to let people know that he isn't like the rest. And unlike the rest, it was also him who became the most lost.
It had been him that she fell in love with: this once youthfully bright boy who turned jaded and dimmed, troubled by himself and his faults and reality, and tainted by images of his dying friends fading away in front of his eyes because of the actions he took. She would think: He saved everyone, but he suffered the most. It's sad, because it was him who gave her hope.
Even if he had frustrated her with his new aloofness after he came back, she had not wavered about her faith in him. Yes, he made her really frustrated with his behavior and she understood that his experiences had left him very jaded—and yes, he made her frustrated to a point that she slapped him. But he was always being thrown into things that weren't able to be controlled by him, nor did he really have a choice to partake in it or not. He was dragged in like all of them; unwilling. And during that tag duel, he showed her that he was capable of realizing that reality never goes as planned and that he's growing up. He started to seem more like the same Judai she fell in love with when he tried to mend things between them that day in the duel against Kenzan and Rei.
She is the first to notice the time by seeing how dusk seems to have risen in the sky, and she finds herself standing up from her chair. Asuka sets Winged Kuriboh on the table with feigned courage and gives a smile that seems fake even to herself, but she smiles anyway because life is tough, so let's move on.
"It's getting darker and I don't have a jacket," she explains, not really looking at him or at anything in particular anymore. She knows he never even asked her anything either, but she feels like she should justify herself a bit for leaving. Let him know that she isn't running away, but she is simply cold and tired and is in need of a warm shower before she needs to be there to answer an incoming birthday phone call from Fubuki soon. Not running away. She doesn't run away because there's nothing for her to run away from. Reality will always be there whether she likes it or not. "I think I'll go back inside to take a shower before I catch a cold. Goodnight. Thank you again for the birthday gifts."
She had said this very politely, like they are back at square one. That's a depressing thought, because their original square one meeting wasn't even this formal when he had joked about her falling in love with him at first sight. It was such a happy first meeting; even charmed her a bit and made her laugh that day. It feels like everything is just so ironic with them lately now that they're older, because she really did fall in love with him.
Asuka walks all the way back to her room in silence, tossing the emptied paper holder of the cupcake she ate into the trash can, and the first thing she does after locking her door is to collapse on her bed and let a tear stain on her sheets. She hurriedly wipes it away and shakes her head, and then goes to prepare for a shower before Fubuki can give her the annual birthday call. She has to practice not sounding somber when she answers the phone, which shouldn't be a problem for her to accomplish at all because she hates it when she's crying in front of people anyway.
Actually, she doesn't see why she has to put effort into this because she shouldn't even be crying at all. Really. She shouldn't.
She soothingly exhales, grabbing a nearby towel before hopping off her bed to approach her drawers.
Heartbreak is one thing, but continuing on with her life is another. She thinks she could spend her time doing something else productive with her life than to mope. He's not obligated to love her back, after all. (He's her first heartbreak, though. It became a real fact tonight.)
Besides, love just isn't something that interests him, right? If anything, he looks more uncomfortable about the topic of love than uninterested, like it's something that frightens him. She hadn't thought to pry since it feels like something personal. Even the way he turned her down was very tentative and uneasy.
Taking some clothes from a drawer, Asuka exits her room to the bathroom down the hall with her towel.
No point in crying over spilled milk anyway. She'll just clean the table up and go buy some more milk to replace the one that spilled. She thinks that Yubel is a lucky person (or spirit) and she hopes that things are well between those two as she enters her bathroom and locks the door. She casually ignores the wet streak on her cheek when she passes by the mirror to set her clothes nearby.
He made sure to make her happy on her birthday, and she will try her best to last until this day is over. She can promise that much because she's supposed to stay strong.
And strong, she shall be.
(Also, she is totally wrong about being in an uncertain maybe-love with him. She would have to avoid the term from now on. Maybe-loves just don't seem to exist for them—not for Judai and Asuka. They never did. And maybe, it's better that way.)
