"I'm not entirely sure I understand your question Rose. What does what I want matter in this?"
Rose gave me a soft smile, "What you want actually matters a great deal Bella. To be perfectly frank on your end the bond is only half formed. While Edward may have no choice but to be mated to you, you still have other options available to you."
I stared at her blankly.
She let out a frustrated breath, "You don't actually have to be with him, you could leave him here and go live out the rest of your life without him. You could move on and be with someone else. It would take time but you could be away from him and you could be happy."
I started shaking my head halfway through her statement. "I couldn't though. He's already made it perfectly clear that he'll never let me go." Rose started to speak again, but I cut her off, "and even if you guys had some fool proof plan that would get me away and keep us apart it wouldn't matter. I don't know if I can be that far apart from him for an extended period of time. The only way something like that would even come close to working is if he watched me live my life from the shadows. Even if he was willing to do that, I couldn't live my life with another person and constantly be running to Edward when I need him. I couldn't ask another person to love me when they'd never be enough for me."
I paused considering something else she had just said, "Also, what do you mean our bond is half formed."
She sighed, "Perhaps half formed wasn't the best way to describe it, you're clearly more than a little bonded to Edward. I was referring to the fact that as long as you're human you can chose to walk away. It would be incredibly difficult and we would have to work out some way for you to see him on a limited basis so your brain doesn't go crazy again, but you do have the capacity to fall in love with someone else."
"But that's just it Rose, I don't know that I do. I don't think I can love anybody else."
"Bella, I'm not saying that you want to love anyone else, or that you need to love anyone else, I am merely stating the fact that strictly speaking it is something your mind and emotions have the ability to do. Most humans go through at least a few relationships in their lifetimes, and many are in love more than once. Sometimes that love fades and the relationship ends, sometimes it doesn't fade even though they've broken up, but the point is that as a human you have the ability to love in a romantic context more than once. Vampires do not. No matter what you decide you are it for Edward. I'm not saying that to guilt you into making the decision to be with him, I'm simply stating a fact."
I briefly debated the merits of arguing with Rose about my supposed ability to love, but I decided against it when I realized she was probably right. While I couldn't picture myself with anyone other than Edward that didn't mean I wouldn't ever come to love someone even if I didn't love them at first. I thought of arranged marriages and how they worked for many years in some cultures, how people in those marriages claimed they learned to love each other.
"Fine, but like I said, even if I did choose to try and move on and be with someone else, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I was with someone who loved me more than I loved them. I've lived that life and I wouldn't want to put someone else through that. If I attempted to be in a relationship with someone else I couldn't guarantee that I would be able to stay with them, knowing I didn't love them enough, and I refuse to put someone else in that position."
Rose nodded, "Alright, fair enough. I can't really say that I expected you to agree to go be with someone else. So now you're left with two choices, you can either be with him or be alone. What are you going to do?"
"I genuinely don't know."
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After my chat with Rose I decided to go back up to my room. I was still in my clothes from the night before, and I really really wanted a shower. Rose had given me a lot to think about, but I honestly just needed to shut down for a while. Before I left Rose assured me that I had time, I didn't need to make a decision today, or tomorrow, or possibly even this decade.
Of course I forgot the fact that I'd left a vampire alone in my room so I was surprised for a moment when I opened the door and saw a body on my bed.
Edward had changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and was lying sprawled on my bed with one arm behind his head. His eyes were closed even though I knew he heard me open the door.
I took the rare opportunity to study him from a slight distance. Back in Forks Edward always wore multiple layers and more formal clothing than the other students, even when he was around the house. I asked him about it once and he'd said that as a vampire the extra clothing didn't bother him. He also said that he felt more comfortable in the nicer clothing because of the time period he was raised in, when children used to dress up to attend school, or even just leave the house in general.
I noticed that dressed as he was, sitting as he was Edward looked much more like a college student or twenty something than the seventeen year old boy I knew him to be.
"What are you thinking?" His voice was strained.
"You look older." I answered.
He smirked and opened his eyes turning to look at me, "Well that's certainly not what I was expecting you to say."
"It's the first thing that came to mind."
His eyes moved up and down my body, in a slow deliberate way. "I could say the same for you love."
I felt the heat rise in my cheeks and I started to turn away. I knew I looked older, I really didn't need him to remind me.
"I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I've aged Edward, I don't need you to remind me."
I started to walk over to my closet to grab some clothing to change into after my shower, but Edward stopped me before I took more than a couple of steps. I stared directly at his chest, not wanting to look into his eyes and have him see the tears I could feel building up there. I was determined to keep that all inside and cry in the shower. Like a grown up.
However, Edward wasn't having it, and he tilted my head up until he could look into my eyes.
"I know you don't need me to remind you. I meant that you've grown into yourself."
I tried to look away, but Edward wouldn't let me.
"Bella, do you know what kind of hell it was to be frozen at seventeen? People always say that they want to be young forever, but there's young and then there's too young, and as the world moves forward the age that people are considered to be adults continued to change. Seventeen was great for a while, but eventually people started to only think of me as a kid. I used to be able to only pass at up to 22 and that was pushing it. You definitely look older than eighteen, but eighteen year old Bella was a girl, now I don't think anyone would call you a girl. I'm over one hundred years old, but in the eyes of humans I will always be a boy."
"But you don't look like a boy anymore, that's what I'm saying. You always looked slightly out of place in a high school, but now students would think you're the gorgeous new teacher."
He sighed and dropped his hand, "Being away from you has taken a toll on me physically, which is difficult for a vampire. I don't hunt nearly as much as I should, because until recently there hasn't been a point."
Inadvertently my hand came up to caress his cheek.
"Look, I'm going to go and take a shower, but when I'm done I think we need to talk."
A/N: So it's a shorter chapter, but I thought this was a good place to leave it. I may be switching the rating of this story to M soon, but I don't see myself writing any lemons, it's just not something I feel comfortable doing, but you never know ;)
