A/N: Hey guys… really really long time since I updated this. Like a really long time. I can't say that I've forgotten about this story, but I will say that I haven't felt much drive to create and write in a while (obviously). Maybe it's the social distancing getting to me, but I think I might want to pick this back up and try again. Now, I do want to mention a couple of things before I continue. I started this story 9 years ago, and I haven't updated it in 4 and a half years. I am obviously a very different person now compared to who I was when I started, with more life experience, so I'm not sure how that's going to affect this. I also know that I can't promise that this is something I'm going to come back to with any regularity. The person who started this was a teenager who thought she had no time on her hands… and now I'm an adult who really has no time on her hands… so we'll see. The rating on this story is changing to M because again… different person. So, without further ado… here we go.
I tried to make my time alone last.
Really I did.
My bathroom had every product known to womankind in it, and most of it was unopened as I usually only did the bare minimum to keep myself hygienic. Not today. I exfoliated, buffed, shaved, washed and moisturized. I did everything I could think of to allow myself some time and space before I went back out into that bedroom.
My mind and my body were at war. Intellectually I want to take the time to process everything that had happened in the last 12 or so hours and put my thoughts in order to prepare for the discussion that I had promised Edward that we would be having. My body on the other hand was dying to get out of the bathroom as quickly as humanly possible and get back in the bed with the vampire who I had spent the night tangled up with.
The physical sensations I was experiencing were not new, the need, the pressing urge to get as close to Edward as possible, but the driving force behind them was magnified. My body was hyper aware that just on the other side of the door was the drug that it had been craving for years and that he seemed just as needy for me as I was for him.
I wanted to leave the bathroom, throw myself at Edward, and not emerge for several days… or weeks.
But as much as I may want that physically I knew that it was a really and truly terrible idea that would have me embarrassing myself, leaving my hard won self esteem on a pile on the ground, and regretting my choices for an undetermined amount of time.
So it would be reasonable to say I was torn.
I was looking around the bathroom trying to come up with a good reason to stay in for a few more minutes when there was a knock on the door.
"Love," Edward said in a low tone, "I'm doing my best to give you the space you need at the moment, but you've been in there for an hour and the water has been off for ten minutes. I'm getting to the end of my control here, and I'm worried that I won't last much longer."
I took a deep breath, "Ok, let me get dressed and then I'm coming out."
I heard a low groan, and then a whispered curse. I elected not to respond.
It then occurred to me that in my hurry to get into the bathroom I had failed to grab clothing, leaving me with only the robe Alice had put in the room when she'd stocked it with all the other insanely femine items I usually ignored. I looked around hoping that a set of pyjamas or jeans or hell even an evening gown might suddenly and magically appear, but no luck.
"Isabella," I heard Edward groan impatiently.
"Ok, ok, I'm coming!" I called out and put on the short ice blue silk robe, tying it as tightly on my body as I could manage, before opening the door.
I took a step out and my face landed directly into Edward's chest, his arms coming up to encircle me.
"I thought you said you were getting dressed," he hissed, his hands slowly moving along the smooth fabric.
"I did," I stuttered, "I mean I was going to, but I forgot to bring clothes in with me. It's not normally a problem since I'm the only one who uses the bathroom and it's attached so I can just walk to the closet in my towel and-"
I was cut off as Edward hissed again and pulled me in even tighter to his body, "Please don't finish that thought, the visual it's giving me is doing nothing for my control and you wanted to talk," he took several slow and deep breaths while I remained quietly pressed up against him. "Okay, I'm in control for the moment. Go to your closet and get dressed, but for the love of all that's holy, please make it quick."
I didn't waste any time and immediately went to the massive walk-in closet where I grabbed the first clothing I could find, which was thankfully some very soft and comfortable sweatpants and a tank top.
When I headed back into the room I saw that Edward had not returned to the bed, but was instead seated in the overstuffed armchair.
"I thought it best if we left the bed alone for a moment," he said.
"And here I thought you couldn't read my thoughts," I said.
He chuckled, but it was without humor, "You know I can't but it's nice to see that in this at least, we are of one mind," he paused, "However, I would like it if you could come and sit with me here. While it's not quite as bad as it was before I do still find myself needing to touch you, and I'm worried that given the conversation we're about to have holding your hand won't quite be enough."
I made my way over to him and curled up on his lap. He pulled the throw off of the arm of the chair and settled it around me then wrapped me up in his arms, his lips coming to rest on the top of my head. At the same time we both let out contented sighs.
I didn't speak and I was just starting to think that I could be quite content to sit like this forever when Edward broke the silence.
"As much as a part of me doesn't want to do this, I feel compelled to remind you that you wanted to have a conversation with me."
I sighed, "I do, I'm just not sure where to start. I have so many questions, but I'm afraid of what your answers are going to be."
"Well I'm terrified of your questions and your reactions to my answers, so we're on equal footing. There isn't going to be a good way to start this, so I'd say just dive in and we'll figure it out as we go."
I thought for a moment. I had so many topics I wanted to cover. I wanted to know what he'd been doing for four years, I wanted to know what made him decide to come home. I wanted to know if he had been telling the truth when he said he would never let me go again, and when he had implied that he would change me if that was what I wanted. I knew from his actions that he was also being consumed by a need to touch and be close to me, but I wanted to know why that was, and if he was intending to act on it or push me away.
I chickened out and started with something easy. "Before I went into the shower you said that being away from me took a physical toll on you, that that was why you looked older. How is that possible? I thought you couldn't change."
He started to lightly rub up and down my arm, "I'm not completely sure to be honest, but Carlisle has a theory. He thinks that it was the combination of you growing and changing as well as the time apart. Rosalie told you how mates affect each other physically, how you started to produce hormones when we first spent time together. CArlisle thinks that you had a similar effect on me and that I started to produce the vampire equivalent of hormones to aid in our mating. He thinks that because you continued to age beyond me that subtle changes in my makeup allowed me to change a bit too. I look a bit older now, even though physically I'm largely the same. I'm the same height and the same weight, but I seem older. He thinks that your humanity opened the door to allow for changes in me, and that the physical toll of not being with you caused those changes to manifest in a relatively rapid aging process. How old do I look to you?"
I pulled back a moment to really study him. His face was still smooth and perfect, his hair still a wild disarray of copper locks. His face seemed somehow sharper and more angular than it had been before. It was subtle but it was there. But it wasn't until I looked into his eyes that I could truly see his age. It was something that I had caught glimpses of in the past, whenever he was being particularly morose, but it was more than that now. He looked tired and weary.
"I'm not sure," I finally answered, "early twenties though, definitely not seventeen anymore. Do you think you'll go back the more we're together?"
He thought about that for a moment, "I don't think so. I think this is probably a pretty permanent change. I don't think I just look older, I also feel older. I've aged more in the last 4 years than I did in the 100 before them."
"Well, that will be nice for you, no more having people think you're a child."
He grimaced, "Early twenties is still a child to a lot of people, but yes I'm hoping it will help me at least when I'm dealing with the business side of things for the family." He considered something for a moment, "Does your question mean that you plan to stay with me and allow me to stay with you?"
I hesitated before answering. "I… I don't know. The idealistic part of me wants to stay here in your arms and be changed into a vampire and never be separated from you again."
"And the less idealistic part?"
I shrugged, "The realist in me wants that too, right now at least. It's easy right now. You're holding me and being open with me, and it's what I've wanted for so long that I just want to let myself have it. But at the same time I'm wondering how much of this is down to a chemical dependency? How much of this is because you want me not because you want the hormonal shift that I provide? How much of my desire for you is because I want you, not because I want dopamine or serotonin or whatever chemical this is," I paused and looked out the window, I couldn't look him in the eyes, terrified of what I might see there. "I'm not the same person I was when you left me. I can't say I've grown or that I've experienced more of life, but I'm not the optimistic, hopeless romantic I was back then, and I don't think I can be that girl again. What if you don't like me now that I'm not her anymore?"
Gently, he lifted my head until I was forced to look at him. I expected him to tell me that his love hadn't changed and that he would love me whoever I was now. That we could get back what we had, or that we could find those people again. That it didn't matter who I was now because we were meant to be, and that was simply that.
Instead he looked deeply into my eyes and said, "You're right, you're not the same girl, but I'm not the same boy. Everything you said can just as easily be applied to me."
"So where does that leave us?" I questioned.
"I don't know, but I'd like for us to find out," he said before he tucked me back under his chin.
We sat in silence for a very long time, each lost in our own thoughts and enjoying the sensation of being held in each other's arms before I decided it was time to continue our discussion.
A/N: Ok, so not my longest chapter, and not the most action packed, but I hope that this gives those of you who have been reading for a while something to go on. Let's see if there's still anyone out there.
