Chapter 23
We stayed still for a breathless moment, frozen in time. My brain, no longer able to function, my body, spent and unable to do more than suck in air in gasping breaths.
I never wanted this moment to end. I knew the moment it did I would be overwhelmed with embarrassment and shame, and I anticipated Edward's reaction would be worse.
We couldn't have been there more than a few moments when Edward slowly pushed up and rolled off of me, keeping my right hand firmly clasped in his left.
"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered, the familiar words reminding me of the hundreds of times he'd asked me to reveal my thoughts before. Perhaps he wasn't as different as he thought he was.
"We were supposed to be talking," I whispered back, "That wasn't talking… I'm not entirely sure what that was."
He groaned and rubbed a hand over his face roughly, and I mentally prepared myself for the lecture I knew was coming. For the discussion about how that had been entirely too dangerous and it was not something that was going to be repeated. I waited for Edward to castigate himself for impugning my honor or something equally ridiculous. It had been sudden, and it had been rougher than I would have imagined coming from him, but it had also been very very wanted. I somehow knew that even as Edward had been lost in whatever urges had possessed him, if I had at any point spoken and asked him to stop or slow that he would have, no questions asked.
"Well… there was some talking in there," he turned to me and smirked. My mouth fell open astonished. "What?" he questioned.
"Nothing," I stuttered out, "I'm just surprised you're so calm about this."
He rolled onto his side and half shrugged, "I don't really see another option," he said, "I suppose I could attempt to work up a different reaction, but to be honest, I'm fairly content at the moment."
"This is… not what I was expecting," I said.
He grinned, "It's not what I would have expected either, but I can't say I'm too disappointed to realize that I can be with you physically without obsessing over everything that could have gone wrong afterwards. It's much more pleasant this way," he used the hand he was holding to tug me until I rolled over on my side facing him and then he pulled me closer to his body.
"Can you?" I almost whispered, "be with me physically I mean. You were so against it before."
He considered a moment, "First, let me clarify, I was never against it. Quite the opposite. I know I put barriers down and I can understand how it might have seemed like I didn't want you in that way, and for that I can never apologize enough. It was never that I didn't want a physical relationship with you, it's that I was afraid of what that would mean for us. You've spoken with Rosalie and myself about the mating process, so I know you understand on some level how it affects vampires, and we've talked about how it affected you, but we haven't really spoken about the specific ways it affected me, and one of the biggest effects it had on me was in a physical sense.
"The time period and social class that I was born into meant that when I was changed I had certain codes and standards of behaviour that I was used to adhering to. Sex and relationships were considered to be taboo. Once you couple that with the fact that I never showed an interest in another female until you came along, and it's really not too much of a wonder that my siblings like to tease me for being a prude. I suppose to someone looking at my behaviours from the outside it would seem that I had absolutely no interest in sex, or I would have taken advantage of one of the many opportunities that presented itself to me, in both human and vampire form."
At that I could feel irritation creeping up my spine and my eyebrows furrowed. Edward noticed and pulled me in closer to his body.
"Easy sweetheart, only ever you remember?" he leaned down and planted a chaste kiss on my forehead. "I think my family and others of my kind grossly underestimate what it's like to be able to hear the thoughts of everyone around you. People really do spend an good portion of their time thinking about sex, I'm not passing judgement, I'm one of them, but it's one thing to hear people think about it in general terms and another thing entirely to hear yourself thought of as the subject of someone's fantasies."
"Kind of kills the attraction?" I questioned.
"Deader than a doornail," he confirmed. "I'm not going to lie to you Bella, I've been attracted to women before you, but I've never acted on those attractions because I would often have to witness graphic fantasies about myself before I'd so much as said hello. This is especially prevalent with vampires. Humans may fantasize but most of them still naturally shy away from us, and to be blunt, the human libido can't hold a candle to the vampire libido. So I've essentially spent the last hundred years watching myself in various positions with various women while dealing with my own overactive imagination and lack of outlet."
His gaze darkened, "So knowing all of this, I'm not sure you can imagine how thoroughly you wrecked me when I realized that not only were you my mate, but that I couldn't hear your thoughts."
"It's probably for the best," I joked, "there were some fantasies on my end too, it probably would have scared you away."
He chuckled darkly, "Were there fantasies Bella? Back when we first met? When you were just an innocent teenager? I'm not doubting your creativity, but I know I was your first boyfriend, your first kiss. I'm sure you had fantasies, but I highly doubt they were enough to have offended me, at least when we first met. Now… now I don't doubt you can come up with something a bit more... stimulating."
I blushed and he leaned down to kiss me slow and deep.
"Mmm," he mumbled, "I'm getting off track. You're very distracting. The point I was trying to make is that, in many ways, finding you sparked the physical aspect of my sexual awakening. Mentally I'd been awake for a century, but when the mating process started between us I started to react to you, and that terrified me."
"Because of your upbringing?" I questioned.
"In part, but more because of what moving forward with a physical relationship might mean for you."
"For me?"
"Yes," he answered gravely. "You know that our mating bond is rare if not entirely unique, so I was working without a road map, and I had several concerns. The most obvious being the actual physical differences between us. I'm literally designed to kill you, so there are some limitations there, and losing myself in you could have been hazardous to your health."
I could concede that point, it had been the number one thing he brought up whenever I had tried to push his boundaries.
"The next issue was one of possession. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm quite possessive of you, and I always have been, but when a vampire opens themself up to the physical side of their mating it increases that possessiveness by orders of magnitude."
"Why would that be an issue?" I questioned, confused.
He smirked, "I've spent quite a lot of time focusing on not killing humans. It would have been a shame to have to murder Mike or Tyler for having a stray thought about you. Not that I wasn't tempted, but it was much easier without the added drive to keep you to myself. It was hard enough dealing with it as it was."
I could also concede that point. I hadn't particularly cared about Mike or Tyler but I also didn't want them to die what I was fairly certain would have been brutal deaths. I was still confused however. "I don't get it though, I understand that you didn't want to kill them, and that it would have been harder for you because of your gift, but I've been sitting next to Lauren when she made somewhat detailed references about what she'd like to do to Emmett, well within Rosalie's hearing range, and Rose never reacted."
He sighed, "That's because Rose's bond with Emmett is secure and completely formed. They're both vampires, they have a thriving physical relationship that has been consummated many times over. A human can walk directly up to Emmett in front of Rose and ask him to take her right there, and Rose won't feel the need to eliminate a threat because she knows that there isn't any threat at all. I didn't have that with you. As a human I thought you were changeable, which brings me to my next concern, the potential for attachment."
Edward paused, and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach that I wasn't going to like what he said next.
"You know that because of what I am, that you're it for me. You're the only woman I'm ever going to be capable of loving, but I'm not the only man you can love."
He shushed me when I opened my mouth to protest.
"I'm not arguing that you didn't love me, or that I think you should go out in search of another man to love, in fact I think that I've made my opinions on the idea of you with other men completely clear at this point. What I'm trying to say is that I knew at the time that there were other options out there for you. I was against making you like me, due largely to my own self loathing. I wanted to make sure you had choices for your life. You were so young, you still are, but you were still a child when we met in so many ways. I didn't know how our mating bond would affect you, but I knew that vampire bonds get stronger when a relationship moves forward physically. I wanted you to be able to walk away if you decided I wasn't what you wanted. And selfishly, I was protecting myself as well. I thought I was making sure that if you did walk away you wouldn't destroy me entirely in the process."
"I wouldn't have walked away, I couldn't have."
"I know," he said almost so quietly I couldn't hear him, "at least I know that now, but I didn't back then."
"Would you have been able to let me go? If I had been able to walk away?"
He thought about it a moment. "I'm not sure. I never thought I would have been able to let you go completely. I would have stayed out of sight, but never far, making sure you were safe and cared for, and that you had everything you wanted or needed."
"And how would you have managed that?" I asked, amused.
He shrugged, "It would have depended on what you wanted. If your truck died you would have found yourself inheriting a large sum of money from a distant but plausible relative. If you wanted to go to an expensive college you'd have been the recipient of an incredibly generous scholarship. If you'd gotten sick you'd have found yourself on the list for any and every experimental drug test available. Little things like that."
I wasn't surprised by this answer, but still… "Did you think I was dumb enough not to have figured any of that out."
"No, I think a part of me would have hoped that you figured it out and that you might change your mind at some point. If nothing else I knew that I had the resources to make sure you could never prove it was me or return anything I got you."
I giggled, amused that he had put so much thought into this hypothetical.
"Does that conclude your list of reasons for not taking our physical relationship further back in Forks?"
"No, I had one more reason, which actually ties in nicely with your original question."
"My original question?"
"About whether or not we can have a physical relationship now," he reminded me. "The last reason I didn't pursue our physical relationship was because once a vampire starts a physical relationship with his mate, it's damn near impossible to stop." His eyes started to darken, "When we start to give ourselves over to that part of our nature, we crave the connection more, need it more."
"Oh," I exhaled, not sure what else to say.
"Yes," he said with a grin, "Oh indeed. I had no way of knowing what it would have done to you, but I knew what it would do to me. If we had gone any further than we when we were at Forks I would have been sneaking you into quiet corners and closets in between classes and holding you captive on sunny days when you were supposed to be in school. I would have been sneaking into your room every night and waiting for Charlie to go to sleep so that I could work on keeping you up all night. It would have been detrimental to your health."
I felt my body heat up and my blood started pounding in my veins at that. But then a thought occurred to me.
"But wait, we just…"
"Yes."
"I mean not to be crass, but you just made me…"
"Yes."
"...but that means…"
"Yes," he finally took pity on me and my inability to complete a thought. "It means exactly what you think it means. You fell apart under me less than an hour ago, and it's an experience I'm very eager to repeat, as often as possible."
I swallowed hard, not sure what to say to that, too much was going on inside my head. I wanted him desperately but I wanted to know if it was the mate bond making me want him or him making me want him. More than that I wanted to know if it was the mate bond making him want me. I didn't know what I was starting when my words had provoked him earlier. I didn't know what kind of monster I was unleashing.
"Just to be clear Isabella, you have the power here. I won't do a single thing you don't want me to do. I know you're unsure of me right now and I deserve that. But that doesn't mean I'm not willing to do everything in my power to make you mine. Right now the only thing I know for sure is that your body wants and needs me the same way mine wants and needs you, so I'll be taking full advantage of that fact"
"What do you mean by that," I manage to gasp out.
His eyes were intense as he looked into mine, "I mean that when it comes to all things physical, what you say goes. My body is yours and I'm your willing slave. But you should know that my mind is capable of thinking of multiple things at once, and so part of it is going to be constantly devoted to thinking of all the different ways I can come up with to take and please you."
I challenge any woman to hear that and not immediately become intensely aroused. Edward's nostrils flared and he looked up and down my body smirking.
"So you like that idea," he said, "That's promising."
I blushed and tried to pull away from him, unable to look him in the eyes. He allowed me to turn so that I wasn't facing him, but then pulled me back so I was spooned against him and could feel every line of his body against mine, the evidence of his own arousal prominent against me.
"Don't be embarrassed love, I'm not. It's part of who we are to each other. If you were like me, you'd be able to tell when I want you as well." He started to place gentle soothing kisses on my neck. "Never be embarrassed to want me."
As he kissed me I settled back against him, deciding for now just to let myself enjoy the moment. I caught sight of the clock and realized it was well past morning, and that I hadn't eaten anything in almost 24 hours. I knew that I should get up and go get something to eat, but I was content where I was. I was so relaxed that my eyelids started to drift closed. I kept forcing them open knowing that I had only been up for a few hours, but the the morning was catching up with me.
"What's wrong?" Edward questioned.
"I don't want to sleep, because I won't sleep tonight if I nap now, but my body has other ideas."
Edward sighed, "I've been neglecting your needs," he said pulling away, "let's go downstairs and get you something to eat."
A/N: And that's where we're going to end this one today. I hope all my US people are enjoying their long weekend. Fair warning I'm considering changing my pen name so don't freak out if it changes :)
