Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Leisure Suit Larry, or any of the characters from the franchise. I do not fully know how everyone relates to one another, and this work is complete fiction. I am not making any profit on this publication, and do this mainly out of a love for the games.
Chapter 13: Luck turns Larry's way….for a bit.
For many years, people have wondered about the miraculous storage properties of many things. I have probably stated this before in this prose about the near limitless capabilities of purses, and how Larry's suit seemed to hold many things. What I have not mentioned is the miraculous storage capabilities of undergarments. I'm sure we have all seen women place something in their bra, and it is permanently out of reach. (Stop drooling. I'm not talking about what is normally in bras.) For some reason, undergarments can hide a lot of stuff, and only the most daring will dare search them.
It just so happened that Larry had inadvertently placed one of his items not in his suit pockets, but inside the waist band of his boxers. It took him a moment to realize that he had slipped the pocketknife into his boxers. He then had mixed feelings that Dawn hadn't removed his boxers. While it meant he could get out of the situation now, it also meant she had no interest in his 'package', nor the pent-up frustration he was feeling.
Now all he had to do was get the knife and cut himself free. He had enough slack to wiggle, but he couldn't reach down and grab the knife. It was possible that he could bounce his butt on the bed enough times to shake the knife loose and bounce it across the bed to one of his hands. Once it was in his hand, he could open it, and then cut the ribbons to get himself free. It was also possible that he could just end up making noise to draw attention to himself, and someone could discover him in this embarrassing state. (That was unlikely since the sounds of something bouncing on a bed fits with what should be going on in the honeymoon suite.)
Larry finally took matters into his own hands (an experience he was familiar with) and started to bounce his butt on the bed. As he did this, I am sure you can figure what most likely happened. I am sure you figured that the knife popped out of his boxers, and then bounced along the bed to his hand. Well, that is not exactly what happened.
You see, Larry, unsure of the attention all the bouncing would bring, managed to bounce his butt hard on the bed. It was such a powerful bounce that he not only got the knife out of his boxers but sent it up into the air. It was with such a force only capable of parents protecting their young. It was of such a force that the knife swung open at the apex of its flight, and then tumbled towards the bed. (At this point, I must caution our more juvenile minded readers not to attempt this at home, as such a feat might be dangerous should the knife manage to spin and then embed itself into the head of the person trying this dangerous stunt.)
Now the odds of where the knife would land on the bed was a majority of empty bed, with a less likelihood of somewhere in Larry's body. It was a one in a million shot that it would land in such a way that it would cut one of the ribbons that was restraining Larry. As it happened, Fortuna, Tyche, or Lady Luck, whatever you choose to call her, decided to smile on Larry (most likely she was drunk after one of Dionysus's parties) and the knife managed to land in such a way that it cut one of the ribbons, freeing Larry's one hand.
Larry didn't hesitate at all once his hand was free. He grabbed the knife, and then freed himself from the rest of the knots that held him. He figured luck was on his side, and that his 'wife' wasn't going to be back soon. For a moment, he wondered if he was the first one she pulled this on or not. (In truth, he had discovered the truth, but at this time couldn't recall it for some reason.) Once he was free, he quickly got back into his clothes, and checked his wallet.
I must digress from the narrative for now since there are probably some readers who might not understand the concept that is about to be made relevant. You see, there was an old practice known as keeping emergency cash on you. It was often recommended that one places a bill or two of a small denomination behind one of the photos in your wallet. This practice was to make sure you had funds in an emergency, like if you were mugged, or spent all your money in the store, and had a need for a bit of gas in your car. Since most people kept their money in the proper part of the wallet, this made this emergency money always available. Even people who rob your wallet don't waste time with the pictures. In this day and age, with photos on smart phones, and more and more societies becoming cashless, this practice is obviously dying out, and not known by younger readers (YES. I KNOW YOU ARE STILL READING THIS EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TOLD YOU TO STOP SEVERAL TIMES NOW!)
Having gone over that, Larry checked his wallet to find all his casino winnings gone. Still, he had been a responsible man (*snicker*), and immediately checked the photo part of his wallet. As it was, he found between a picture of his mother, and his sister (whom he hadn't heard from in a while) a lone five-dollar bill. While it would not be enough to get him anywhere, it was enough for him to build up his winnings again. Also, for good measure, Larry picked up the remains of the ribbon. He recalled the article he had read earlier (Ok, he glanced over it and saw the key words) and felt he could use it. He also thought he could prevent someone else from falling into the same trap he fell in to.
He left the honeymoon suite and took the elevator back down to the main floor. With purpose, and showing a bit of smarts, he walked to a different video poker machine. I'm sure you have already figured out that he once again used his knowledge of the secret code to be able to max out his winnings. This time, he hid the code by tapping out, and whistling a clever little musical piece composed by a little-known American composer with the first name of Al. (No serious composer used the name Al.)
Once his funds were maxed out again, Larry recalled the one other lovely lady he had seen. She had been up on the eighth floor of the hotel, and even recalled her cold nature. He also recalled seeing a pill bottle in one window back at Lefty's. He knew how he was going to get at that bottle and rushed out of the casino.
Larry could have rushed to Lefty's, especially as he realized he had the means to get pill bottle, but even he wasn't that foolhardy. He hailed another cab, hoping that this ride and the next ride back would be the last ones he would take while in Lost Wages. He was honestly getting tired of the breakneck speeds they drove at.
While Larry was heading there, I feel that I should point out, if I haven't before, that there was another set of apartments at Lefty's bar. This dates back to the days of the wild west, and when businesses had living quarters above them for the proprietors to live in. Lefty maintained the apartment for those times he himself had managed to chat up one of the ladies at the bar. The number of women has dropped from per week to per month over the years. It should also be stated that the access to that upstairs apartment is well hidden from everyone.
When Larry was finally there, which didn't take long since it was the typical Lost Wages cabby, Larry made his way inside the bar, and over to the Naugahyde door. With luck, the pimp was still engrossed in the channel he was watching. He had been transfixed to it all night, and now he was watching Extreme Strip Poker. (What made it extreme can't be put in this version, since THOSE IMMATURE READERS ARE STILL READING THIS, EVEN THOUGH I'VE CALLED THEM OUT SO MANY TIMES BY NOW.) Larry utilized this distraction to get back up to Typhoid Va-Jay-Jay's room. He noticed that she was still smoking her cigarette. (It wasn't the same cigarette, but prior to Larry's arrival, an ambulance had left with a man who just lost his manhood because he didn't use protection.) He did head out to the fire escape to utilize his new-found knowledge.
Once he was on the fire escape, he walked over to the side closest to the wooden fence, and the window beyond it with the pill bottle in it. He looked at the railing and hoped it would support his weight. (In truth the fire escape was built with material that could hold up an elephant, or half the ego of a politician.) He then pulled out the ribbon, hoping it was long enough, and tied one end around his waist, and the other end to the railing. He then got on the other side of the railing, keeping his shoes wedge in between the vertical rails of it.
Larry then leaned back and prayed to God that the ribbon would hold. Luckily, (and maybe because even God didn't want Larry yet), the ribbon worked, and supported Larry in his precarious position. With Larry leaned back as he was, he could see that he was in reach of the pill bottle, if not for the pane of glass. He remembered the hammer he had pulled out of the dumpster earlier, and he knew how he was going to get in that window.
He pulled out the hammer, and with all the force he could muster, swung it at the window. Now, this was a left-handed hammer, and Larry was swinging it with his right hand. If you know anything about physics, you know that swinging a left handed hammer with the right hand has the same effect as swinging a right-handed hammer with the left hand, which means that unless you are psychologically conditioned to think it has will make it not work, the hammer will successfully shatter the window. That is what happened in this case.
With the window shattered, and all the pieces of the glass having miraculously missed Larry, most likely because of the angle he was at, Larry could now grab that bottle inside the window. He took this opportunity, and grabbed the bottle, narrowly missing one particularly nasty glass shard. Since he was at an angle and could only clearly see the window at a distinct angle, it was basically a blind grab, since leaning back any further might cause him to lose his footing on the railing.
That being beside the point, Larry had grabbed the bottle and now made a grab for the fire escape railing to pull himself back on. He still worried about that ribbon holding him up, and he also wanted to remove it as soon as possible. Something still bothered him about how strong it was, and how he had been previously bound by it. (A little known fact about that ribbon: During its production, it had been tested by being used to hold an alligator's mouth open, while one end was tied around a charging elephant, and the other end to a concrete wall. The elephant ended up digging a hole in the ground, while the ribbon stayed in place.) Once he grabbed the railing, and got back on the fire escape, he removed the ribbon, and then dropped it in the dumpster below.
He took a moment to admire his prize, and noticed its label was faded a bit. The only thing he could make out on it was 'ish fl'. Larry quickly put two and two together, and realize he was holding a bottle of the legendary aphrodisiac. He was, of course, incorrect, since Lefty not only knew about Spanish Fly, but also known about the purposefully kept secret more potent ones, whose names I will not list here, mainly because their names don't sound as enticing. In fact, it took particularly good eyes and clear thinking to notice the remains of the faded letter before the 'ish'.
After pocketing his prize, Larry again took the easy way down, falling into the dumpster again, and then heading out to hail one more cab. Larry was now more willing to put his life at risk in the cab with his prize. He also realized that it was quite possible that whomever that window belonged to would be around to see what happened. Hence, he was thankful when the cab pulled up to take him back to the casino.
As it was, Lefty did hear the crash, but due to another newbie to Lost Wages ordering a round of drinks, he was busy pouring a bunch of top shelf drinks. He only took notice of it because Ken was busy catching his breath after telling another one of his bad jokes. If he wasn't in the middle of pouring a round, he would have rushed out to investigate it, at least after locking the top shelf drinks up. By the time he did get to check on the sound, Larry was finally back at the casino.
Larry again made his way to the elevator, pausing slightly to wonder if he should top off his fund. He shrugged that off, and then hopped into the elevator. This time he didn't endure the ride all the way to the top floor nonstop. This trip, he hit the buttons one floor at a time. This way, he didn't have to worry about the nausea inducing ride up.
As Larry went up the elevator, he was unaware that Faith's shift was nearing its end. He also wasn't aware of Faith's plans for the evening, and while they might be similar to what Larry was thinking they would be, he wouldn't be part of the fun. While I'm sure he would love to be part of that fun, Larry would not be able to keep up with Faith. (In truth, most men Faith had dated couldn't keep up with her in bed.) He wasn't even aware that she only had a half hour left in her shift until her replacement got there, and her replacement looked like her if you were so drunk you were singing 'How Dry I Am'.
When Larry finally got to the top floor, he calmly sauntered over to the podium Faith was standing at. He put a smile on his face and turned on all his charm. He would have leaned on the podium, but he didn't want to push his luck that much. Besides, if he figured right, she'd be all over him in a few minutes anyhow. He then said, "Hello again, Faith."
Faith did recognize Larry, and was a little impressed, and a little annoyed he had returned. She had figured that her statements earlier had derailed his thoughts earlier when she saw him in that dated outfit. Still, she found it impressive that he thought he still had a chance with her. Of course, this also meant she may have to use some less subtle persuasion to get the point to him, and she kept her cool demeanor when she said, "Hello again, Barry was it." (It's a known fact that women remember creeps, and sometimes use the similar name trick to convey that they aren't interested in the guy that is talking to them.)
Larry, being clueless to the dating scene, didn't notice this slip and just continued smiling. He then reached into his pocket, and said, "I just happen to have the key to making you happy right here." With that, he pulled out the bottle and shook it for a moment. He was pleasantly surprised when he saw her eyes light up. In fact, he was certain he was in for a good time with Faith, especially as she grabbed the bottle.
Now Faith was very fast with her hands. She was also very good with her hands, but she had grabbed the bottle because she knew what it was. She knew all those aphrodisiacs, and when she saw the partial label, she knew what she was holding. "Boy, thanks. How did you know I love this stuff?" She quickly downed two of the pills, and they started to do their job. She started to breath very heavy, which was a very hypnotic sight to Larry. In fact, she was breathing so fast that Larry was hoping for a wardrobe malfunction, or even better, for her to pounce on him right there.
What actually happened, however, was that Faith being experienced with that type of aphrodisiac before, was able to keep her wits together, and remember she had a serious boyfriend. She quickly turned and left the podium saying, "I need to find my boyfriend before these wear off." She then made her way down the employee staircase, which was secured from guests accessing it, leaving Larry feeling blue in more ways than one.
Larry felt dejected for a few moments, and then realized something. The other elevator on the floor was now accessible. It was time for Larry to go to the penthouse suite. In fact, he felt that was the place to go now. Larry didn't know how right he was at that moment.
