Dislaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They all belong to the brilliant mind of Sui Ishida!
A/N: So, this is a piece I've had on my mind for a little while. For now, this is just a one-shot, but I may turn it into a multi fic in the future. Since Tokyo Ghoul is a story filled with connections, I took some creative liberties with this to add some extra depth to those bonds we know and love. This can be seen as a sort of companion piece to Blue Autumn, written by .Rose. I highly recommend checking it out! Anyway, happy reading! And as always, reviews are appreciated.
My Life in Coffee Spoons
"We are as forlorn as children lost in the woods. When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours?"
~ Franz Kafka
Mother was always tired.
It didn't matter how early she came home, there was still more work waiting for her. She was always busy, which meant she was always tired. Kaneki couldn't remember the last time she looked well-rested.
Nearly every morning, he would wake up and find her passed out on the coffee table with a bouquet of half-trimmed white carnations spread around her like a halo. It had become a ritual for him to slip the couch blanket, the one with the holes and frayed edges, over her thin shoulders. His small self wanted to do everything he could to help his mother.
He was nervous the day he asked to cut the flowers with her, but her kind smile, though weak, was a relief, and he grabbed a pair of scissors from his room, eager to ease her burden. In his young mind, he hoped his contribution would mean his mother wouldn't have to work so much.
He was also just happy to spend time with her again.
He'd cut his finger once, the dark crimson slipping from the wound onto their dusty carpet, but it was only when he trimmed a stem too short that his mother plucked the scissors from his hands and pushed him away.
He learned then that she didn't need his help, so he retreated to his father's study and his books. He lost himself in the fictional world of suffering protagonists to soothe the ache clutching at his heart and still bleeding finger.
Loneliness had become a companion he dressed up as contentment and adaptability. "I'm not lonely," he told himself. "I have my books."
"One needs no more proof that a man is not lonely than that he does not read."
It was a chilly autumn afternoon filled with hours of silent reading, another ordinary day for the five-year-old, until he heard the hope-inspiring sound of the front door opening. Glancing to the clock, Kaneki processed that it was early evening, which was a rare time for his mother to come home. Heart racing, he carefully placed his bookmark before hopping to the ground and scurrying from the study, his short legs carrying him at a slower pace than he would have preferred.
Kaneki slid to a halt at the edge of the living room, peaking one beaming eye around the corner. He saw his mother in the entryway pulling off her shoes, a familiar air of exhaustion hovering over her shoulders like a cape. He wanted so badly to run up and hug her, but mistakes had taught him that she wouldn't like that. He only received hugs when she decided he deserved them. He needed to be patient.
Taking a deep breath, the boy eased one foot around the corner, then the other, and continued taking small steps until he was in plain view, hands clasped nervously behind his back. Out of sight, he played with his fingers.
"Welcome home, kaa-san," Kaneki finally spoke, his voice bright yet hushed so as not to disturb her.
Her back initially faced him from where she sat in the entryway, but at the sound of his voice, she turned and offered him a warm smile. "Did you have a good day, Ken?"
Kaneki nodded quickly, the presence of his smile starting to widen. "I did! I finished my book today and started on a new one. This time it's about vampires!"
For a moment, his mind returned to the pages of Bram Stoker's dark fantasy novel and the eloquent speech pattern of the enigmatic vampire. He didn't notice how he bounced lightly on the balls of his feet while he visualized the latest scene of artistic genius, the joy of reading etched into every ounce of his being.
His mother's brows furrowed a moment before she shook her head, gaze softening. "Hmm…just be careful about some of those books. I don't want you getting nightmares because you're reading about scary monsters."
Kaneki huffed, crossing his arms petulantly. "Monsters aren't real. Why would they scare me?"
More importantly, he couldn't let himself be scared. The child was alone most nights, so there was no one to comfort him when he had nightmares. Rationalizing the monsters away gave him enough courage to sleep in the dark.
Her mouth quirked slightly in response. "You're such a brave boy, Ken."
A bright smile stretched across his face, a rush of happiness overwhelming him in response to the praise. In the height of elation, he truly felt brave, so he dared to make a bold request. "Kaa-san, since you're home early…umm…could we…maybe go somewhere today? Unless…you have more work to do."
With each word he spoke, Kaneki felt his burst of confidence deflate, his voice dropping along with his eye contact until his gaze rested solely on his socked toes and the request ended in a whisper. A silence hung between them, and he winced in anticipation of the fury he would face for being so foolish.
In his childish excitement, he once again forgot that he wasn't supposed to ask for anything.
He needed to stop being so selfish. His desires only hurt her. He tried to live by his mother's selfless code, that it was better to be hurt than to hurt others, but he kept forgetting. Was he doomed to be greedy and unkind for the rest of his life?
"That sounds lovely. I think we could both use some fresh air. What did you have in mind?"
Kaneki's head snapped up instantly, grey eyes wide with disbelief. Was he dreaming? He stared at her quietly, until his shock wore off enough to confirm, "Does that mean…we can go?"
"Of course," his mother replied simply.
"If I am dreaming, let me never awake. If I am awake, let me never sleep."
"O-oh! Okay! Then, um, can we go to the park? That one with the birds."
His mother blinked, "I can't believe you remember that. It was over a year ago when we went."
Kaneki lowered his head, shuffling once on his feet as a hand softly caressed his chin. "…The birds were nice. That's all I remember."
But that was a lie. The reason he remembered the birds so vividly was because his father, whose faint outline he could just make out in his mind, sat beside him on a bench that day to feed them. The memories of his father were few and hazy, but he clung to those faint flashes as desperately as he clung to the books that were left behind.
He couldn't mention the one his mother called 'that man' in front of her, though. Her eyes would become sad…and then she would become angry.
"Go put on your coat, Ken. It's cold outside." His mother's back had returned to his line of sight, and he bit back the familiar desire to call out to her.
Kaneki nodded and moved to follow her command, retracing his steps to the study where he had left his coat earlier. Their heater had been broken for a few days, and with his aunt's most recent emergency, his mother didn't have the money to fix it. As a result, the temperature inside their humble, thin walls fluctuated with the weather outside. It was freezing that morning, so he had been bundled in a coat and blanket while he read, but by midday the house had warmed enough for him to discard the extra layers.
As the child slipped his arms through the cozy sleeves, his grey eyes landed on the worn cover of his newest adventure. Kaneki only hesitated a moment out of habitual bashfulness before scooping up the enticing text and placing it securely within the folds of his button up. Parks were a pleasant sanctuary, one of the few he could find outside the house. In the calming outdoors, he could spend time with his mother, and then read when she demanded her space.
After flicking off the dim lamp, he carefully shut the door behind him and returned to his mother's side, where he quickly slipped on tattered sneakers.
"Do you have everything you need?"
Kaneki smiled up at her, one hand instinctively clasping around the rectangular shaped treasure nestled in his coat and the other raising for her to hold. His mother complied with a gentle expression, her large hand wrapping around his smaller one and his eyes brightened. In her grasp, he was safe. He felt so much comfort and security when they could be together like this.
Was the park always so loud?
Kaneki pouted as he gazed up at the entrance, which had been adorned with glowing orange lights and rows of jack-o'-lanterns. When he suggested an outing, he didn't expect to find the carnival in town. He had nothing against the event itself—some of the rides seemed fun and the smells drifting through the air made his mouth water—but swarms of people always made him nervous. Not to mention, the place was uncomfortably noisy.
Even as he was standing at the ticket booth with his mother, a cacophony of screams and laughter mixing with the mechanical whirs of the rides travelled directly into Kaneki's ear drums, causing him to wince. Home was so quiet in comparison, and the volume only increased when he walked through the entrance.
Kaneki's grip tightened.
In response, his mother glanced down at him. "Do you want to sit down for a moment?"
He looked in the direction she indicated. A solitary wooden bench rested in the corner between a trashcan and food carts. Several squawking pigeons were perched along the sides, but no one else was in the vicinity. It looked peaceful, a momentary shelter from the chaos of the carnival.
Kaneki nodded shyly, and she led the way toward the bench. He hoisted himself up one of the arms until he could sit comfortably against the backrest, dangling his feet over the edge as he admired the congregation of birds.
"I'm going to get some food, okay? Do you want anything, Ken?"
Kaneki flinched instinctively at the wording; his gaze fearfully directed toward the worn laces of his shoes. He wasn't supposed to want anything. Didn't she say he would be punished if he asked her for things? He didn't understand why she was offering. Maybe it was a test.
Meeting her gaze hesitantly, the boy cupped his chin as he shook his head. "No, I'm fine! I ate earlier!"
"Well…okay, if you're sure." She smiled at him and planted a tender kiss on his forehead. "I'll be right back."
Kaneki watched her retreating figure, the loneliness already wrapping him in its cold embrace. He sighed and hung his head, ignoring the growling of his stomach. He was grateful that his stomach was smarter than him—it knew better than to show longing around anyone. He struggled so hard to keep himself in check, to be the son his mother wanted, but sometimes he impulsively blurted out those defective emotions that echoed deep in his heart. For now, his books were his only escape—the lifeline that helped him remain strong when he messed up.
A feathery touch on his hand pulled Kaneki from his thoughts and he lifted his eyes to inspect the cause of the strange sensation. What he found was a small black centipede crawling along his fingertips. Rather than cringe with disgust, he leaned closer, momentarily transfixed by the arthropod. He watched as the rows of miniature legs propelled the creature forward, a miracle of nature, until it circled around his knuckles once more.
Lifting his free hand, Kaneki gently poked the invertebrate's segmented back, and it responded by curling its form around his index finger. He was surprised by the hardened shell that he felt. For some reason, he thought they would be slimier.
He continued to observe the journey of the creature in silent fascination, giggling softly whenever its legs brushed along a sensitive part of his hand.
"Ken, what are you laughing at?"
Kaneki snapped his eyes to the sky where he saw his mother towering over him. He didn't realize she was back already.
Smiling brightly, he raised his arm to show her his new friend. "He's tickling me!"
His mother's face contorted with horror and she raised a hand. Kaneki froze, memories of that same gesture clawing at his mind and casting him from the paradise he had created with the small creature. In the dark shadow of her form, he shut his eyes and prepared for the pain that inevitably came when he misbehaved, but instead all he felt was a subtle sting against his hand and the disappearance of a tingling sensation.
Opening his grey eyes, Kaneki glanced at his hand and saw that the centipede was gone. He stared blankly at the spot. Had it done something wrong too?
"Those things are poisonous, Ken," she scolded only. "You should know better than to play with them."
His shoulders hunched as he nodded, "…I'm sorry, kaa-san."
His mother released a deep exhale before lowering herself beside him on the bench. She placed a brown bag and steaming cup between them, things he hadn't noticed before. While she rummaged through the unknown contents, Kaneki roamed his gaze over the surrounding sidewalk, hoping for a sign that the struggling centipede was alive.
However, a warm roll being placed in his hands averted his attention, and he stared at his mother in confusion. "Is…this for me?"
She nodded, taking a long sip of her drink. "While the vendor was making my coffee, I told him a trick to making espresso that my father taught me. As thanks, he threw in a free pastry. Do you see where kindness gets you, Ken?"
He nodded and stared down at the warm meal, his cold hands already thawing from the contact as he felt immense gratitude for his mother. She was the kindest person he knew and the most admirable. She sacrificed so much for everyone. When he asked why she did it, she responded that it was what kind people did. He really hoped when he was older that he could help people the way she did.
Kaneki took a generous bite of the puffy pastry and laughed when an explosion of cream hit the corner of his mouth. He heard his mother giggling beside him, which successfully lifted any remaining sorrow from him. He turned to her with a happy glint in his eyes and held out the roll for her to try. She leaned forward and took a small bite, careful to keep the cream from seeping out the sides like he had.
As she swallowed, his mother patted him softly on the head. "Thank you, Ken. It's delicious."
He beamed and returned to his original position against the bench, swinging his small legs easily against the chilly air. As he ate his snack, he noticed again the group of birds and that memory of his father surfaced. He remembered happiness and light as he sat beside the taller man, which was a feeling he had unintentionally replicated with his mother. Smiling to himself, Kaneki tore off a corner of his pastry and flung it toward the closest pigeon, but as soon as the bread hit the pavement, every bird in the world wanted a piece of it. All he could see were white wings as they flocked around the miniscule morsel.
His actions seemed to gain the awareness of other children in the park. The dark-haired child could see their grins as they pointed to the swarm and tugged eagerly on their parents' coats. Within moments, his quiet corner was invaded by squealing children with barrels of popcorn clutched in their hands. He reflexively leaned closer to his mother.
The pigeons were happier, though, and that at least was a positive outcome. He felt a foreign discomfort when he was surrounded by crowds, a paralyzing apprehension, but the birds seemed to thrive on it. The more people, the more food they could eat. It was a wonderful symbiotic relationship they shared with the humans he could never talk to.
Suddenly, over the white noise that had fallen around him, Kaneki heard a booming laugh and perked up instantly. He squinted his eyes as he searched for the source, scanning the lines of the food carts where he thought the sound had originated. He wanted to see the happy individual who could laugh so freely. In the midst of his search, he heard it again, and his eyes were drawn to a trio of high schoolers, among which stood a teenager with vibrant orange hair and an even brighter smile.
The beaming youth was chatting animatedly with his companions—people Kaneki could only assume to be his friends based on the ease of their interactions. Beside the spirited character was a shorter teenager, whose glasses were knocked askew when he was shoved into the line of fire for a piece of cotton candy from the female in the group. She also had a smile on her face and an air of vivacity about her, but the one who stood out among them, who captured Kaneki's attention, was the member with the vacant stare as he chewed the fluffy delicacy. Surrounded by such vitality, he shrunk into the background. It was as if he were a shadow basking in the light of two suns, only visible as an extension of them.
Kaneki couldn't explain the connection he felt to the blue-haired stranger. Perhaps he was placing his own emotions on someone else, but watching the older man, he felt as though he saw an apparition of his own internal world—a place filled with columns of beautiful carnations that masked his hollowness and depravity. Was that man also starved for human connection and belonging?
No…unlike me, he has friends...friends who are so light and happy. He has a place to belong.
The child felt immense guilt when he realized where his thoughts were headed. He was such an ungrateful son. He had his mother, a wonderful and inspirational woman who loved him dearly. It wasn't her fault that she had to work all the time. The rare moments they spent together were enough for him…they had to be.
"Ken, do you want to go on any rides?"
His grey eyes were torn from the stranger by the sound of his mother's voice. He knew better than to ignore her.
Tilting his head, the boy met her gaze and smiled, "I'm happy being together like this, kaa-san. I don't need anything else."
It was as much a response to her inquiry as it was a reminder to himself.
Out of his peripherals, he saw the trio leave the food carts, disappearing into the crowd along with his unexplainable and shameful feeling. He withheld a sigh, but in the next moment all thoughts of the invisible encounter dispersed as he shrunk away from his mother's suddenly harsh gaze. He had said the wrong thing.
"I was fortunate to get a discount on our tickets, but I still spent good money on them. You wanted to go out today, didn't you? Now, throw your food away if you're done and let's go. Hurry up."
Her tone left no room for argument, a hint of her underlying anger slipping past. Kaneki tried to calm his shivering as he summoned the will to nod. "…Yes, kaa-san."
Pushing himself off the bench, he discarded his half-eaten pastry into the trashcan, appetite forgotten. His mother followed his lead with a suppressed huff, coffee cup held securely in one hand as she reached behind her with the other, not once looking at him. He frowned but accepted her grip just as he accepted her ire. He deserved it, after all.
The child hung his head as she walked forward, short heels clicking on the pavement and crushing the small centipede that crawled unnoticed beneath her. A scream must have passed through its insectoid lips as an excruciating pain stole its final breaths. Despite the sympathy swelling in his chest, Kaneki didn't dare look back at the disturbingly immobile invertebrate.
The track for the kiddie train was circular and only contained one loop before joining with the starting point. Kaneki pursed his lips as he observed the disappointing ride from his seat beside his mother. He enjoyed its smooth movements and calming atmosphere, but it lacked any excitement. There was nothing interesting about a ride that was completed within thirty seconds. Even if the purpose was to maximize child security, why did ride builders assume safe meant boring?
Kaneki wanted to continue his compelling literary adventure, but the moment his fingers grazed the first button of his coat, the ride had ended. He pouted before shaking it off and forcing a smile. He was being ungrateful again. His mother wanted to enjoy the rides with him. He shouldn't be trying to run away into books while she was around.
"Wasn't that fun?" she asked as they stepped off the platform to make way for the next group of overly excited children.
With his index finger stroking the corner of his chin, the dark-haired boy glanced her way and offered a closed-eye smile. "Yes! I loved it! What should we go on next, kaa-san?"
She smiled tenderly at him, the first ray of warmth she had granted the child since they entered the cold climate of the carnival.
"Well, I think there are a few decent options," she mused, tapping a finger to her lips as she observed their surroundings. "What do you think, hm? The mini roller coaster or the spinning teacups?"
Kaneki felt the transition of his forced grin into a genuine one. Was it his choice to make? Had his mother really given him this chance to pick something he wanted?
As a way to test the waters, he hesitantly asked, "…I get to pick?"
She merely nodded distractedly, her eyes lingering on the dizzying rotations of the colorful teacups and the laughing faces within.
Following her line of sight, Kaneki realized that he had a rare opportunity to give his generous mother something in return for the kindness she always showed him. It didn't matter what he wanted. It never did.
Smiling brightly, he pointed ahead of them. "Let's go on those, kaa-san!"
His mother giggled in response to his enthusiasm. "See? I knew you wanted to go on rides. Let's hurry before the line gets too long!"
Pulling gently on his hand, she hastened her pace and maneuvered them toward the quickly filling line. Once they stopped behind a rather large man, Kaneki leaned to the side to get a better angle. Lifting his hand, he counted the people standing in front of them and stopped at twenty-eight, which meant it would take a little while for their turn to come up.
Feeling a sudden spark of energy, the boy's impatient fingers pulled on the top of his book while he unbuttoned his coat. When the constricting fabric loosened enough, he finally unveiled the novel and held it securely in his small hands.
"Dracula? Is that the one you were telling me about?"
"Yes, it is," Kaneki affirmed, fondly tracing a finger over the title. "I'm only halfway, but it's great! Have you read it before, kaa-san?" As he asked, he lifted his face to her, a hopeful light shining in his grey eyes.
His mother shook her head. "No, I haven't. I don't have time to read these days, but I never liked those darker stories anyway."
"Oh…" He hung his head. Not for the first time, he wondered if something was wrong with him. He didn't talk to other kids his age, but he never saw them reading the books he loved so much. They seemed to prefer action-packed adventures and heartwarming children's stories. Either way, they wanted something light and hopeful. He enjoyed those as well, but why did bloodlust and tormented souls appeal to him so much more?
Because…those stories are the only connection I have to my father.
Satisfied with that conclusion, the child felt more reassured by his literary preference. Flipping the book open, he quickly found the place he had left off and was instantly drawn back into the fantasy realm of vampires.
"I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul."
"I'm sorry, but I can't allow your son on this ride. It's a safety hazard."
"Oh…I see. I didn't realize he didn't meet the height requirement. That was my mistake."
A horizontal beam towered just over his head as Kaneki avoided his mother's disappointed expression. They were still in the children's section of the carnival, but by some stroke of bad luck, he was too small to ride the roller coaster.
No…it wasn't bad luck. It was just him, wasn't it? This was his fault.
When they moved away from the line, he tried not to pout as he felt the growing agitation beside him. He knew what he could do to solve this problem, but he was hesitant because it would mean temporarily being separated from his mother.
I can handle it! Kindness, remember? This is when it matters.
He tapped his shoe against a pebble as he mumbled, "…um…kaa-san?"
"Yes, Ken? What is it?" His mother tried to hide her irritation with the situation, a smile present on her face, but he had read that page before. He knew when she was faking.
"If you want to go on one of the adult rides…that's fine. I don't mind waiting, and they seem more fun anyway."
He heard a soft gasp which incited him to risk looking her way. His eyes widened as he was greeted by a bright smile. His mother, who constantly carried exhaustion and weariness across her complexion, suddenly looked younger and more energetic.
For a moment, he saw the woman who tucked him in every night with a gentle smile while his father sat on the comforter reading a bedtime story. For a moment, he saw the love he used to receive, wrapped in constant warmth and bliss. He saw her beaming with pride.
Finally…I finally did the right thing.
"You would do that for me?"
Kaneki immediately nodded, eyes crinkling with delight. He didn't have to think about it. Her happiness meant everything to him.
"Of course! I would do anything for you, kaa-san!"
His mother's smile softened as she knelt onto the uneven gravel and pulled him swiftly into her arms. Kaneki released a soft exhale, momentarily taken aback by her gesture, but the tightening of her hold prompted an onslaught of moisture in his eyes as he returned the embrace. How long had it been since he was held like this?
His small hands curled around her sides, clutching to the fabric of her coat. As the tears flowed freely down his wind-nipped cheeks, he buried his face in her slender shoulder where the aroma of coffee and carnations lingered—the scent of her soothing presence.
"I wished she'd never stop squeezing me. I wished I could spend the rest of my life as a child, being slightly crushed by someone who loved me."
After several moments, his mother untangled herself from his desperate limbs. Kaneki kept his face lowered, lifting a hand to wipe away the remnants of his emotional outpouring. His vision was slightly blurred as he looked up at her and smiled.
Lifting a hand to the boy's chin, his mother leaned forward and planted a light kiss on his forehead before pulling away. "Will you be a good boy and wait for me?"
Kaneki nodded, "I will! Have fun, kaa-san!"
She giggled at his excitement as she rose to her feet. After brushing the fragments of rock and mud from her knees, she held up a finger as she leveled him with a serious look. "Now, if I'm going to leave you alone, you have to promise to be careful. What are the rules?"
"Never wander too far, stay away from sharp objects, and don't talk to strangers!" he recited easily, a proud grin in place as he realized that he had remembered them perfectly.
"That's very good," she nodded. "And no more playing with bugs either. I think I saw my friend wandering around here earlier, so I might meet up with her. I'm not sure how long that will take, you know how she gets when she starts talking about her job, but how about you meet me by the front entrance in an hour? That should be enough time."
An hour?!
Kaneki wanted to take it all back. He wanted to forget being nice and good and stay with his mother. He wanted to cry out, cling to her skirt and beg her not to leave him.
But he knew that would only provoke her wrath. He needed to be a good son. He was capable of letting his mother enjoy herself.
He could handle being alone.
Forcing yet another smile, the child tilted his head and waved cheerily as his mother left him. "I'll see you soon!"
As always, she didn't look back. The beautiful moment of their embrace was already in the distant past, fleeting and cruel. Now, whenever he was be alone at home, he would recall the scene of a mother and son embracing in the cold autumn night and wonder who they were—he would wonder if that child was happier than him and know it to be true.
A sudden gust of wind pulled him from the dismal thoughts in his mind, carrying with it a delightful scent. Following the smell, Kaneki turned his head and found another food cart—this one proudly declaring their distribution of coffee on a gilded sign. The pleasant aroma and heat drew him closer, enticing his senses.
"Hey, kid, are you alright?"
Kaneki snapped from his daze, rubbing his eyes guiltily as he forced himself to turn away from the alluring food truck.
"Yes…thank you," he mumbled sheepishly to the vendor before taking a blind step in the opposite direction and hurrying away. His mother would be furious if she saw him standing there.
Once, spurned by curiosity he had snuck a sip of her coffee. While he delighted in the rich flavor, the action had earned him another severe punishment.
"Ken! I already told you! I don't want you drinking that stuff. You're only five! It could be dangerous."
He released a sigh, the soles of his shoes scraping along the pavement as he walked aimlessly around the park. It seemed that every attraction in the place was nothing more than a shameful temptation. Was there nothing that he was allowed to do?
As the thought entered the boy's mind, the rotating cages of the Ferris Wheel came into view. His eyes brightened with unabashed adoration, drawn to the way its colorful lights radiated against the dark sky. His mouth lifted into a delighted smile as he contented himself with admiring the consistent rotations.
A striking flash of orange drew his gaze away from the inspiring view and he turned his head in confusion only for the grin to return to his face. He recognized that hair! It was that high schooler—the vibrant individual who carried laughter throughout his entire countenance.
However, in the next moment, Kaneki's expression saddened. There was a frown on the man's face, and that beautiful light from earlier had vanished. He was alone this time, shoulders hunched as he disappeared around the line of carts, a darkness lingering over him.
What had happened to cause him such pain? Had his friends abandoned him? Or did he always feel this sorrow but covered it with that radiant smile? Was this man's happy disposition a lie, just like Kaneki's?
The shame he prevented at the coffee stand returned with a vengeance. How could he think such insincere thoughts? He was being a terrible child. If his mother possessed the power to read his mind, he would be punished every day…and he would deserve it. He always did. Every time her hand struck down on him, he knew the pain was his fault.
Unable to stop the flow of negativity this time, the boy relented and allowed the flood to drown him. He missed his mother.
"Why? Kaa-san…why did you leave me alone at this stupid carnival?"
His disgraceful question was muted by the chatter of the fairgrounds as groups of people moved past him toward the Ferris Wheel. His dull gaze returned to the rotating machine, suddenly towering fierce and imposing above him. It was a ride designed for two because humanity wasn't made for the paralyzing ache of loneliness.
"It is not good for man to be alone."
He stared longingly at the smiling faces of the people on the ride and wondered how pleasant it would be to join in. Would his mother be beside him? He would even be happy with a friend…if he could be lucky enough to find one.
Kaneki wanted to look at the city from above, far away from his troubles, and admire the beautiful shining lights with the comfort of a caring companion beside him. For that singular moment, he tried to imagine asking for something he wanted. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He was too far into the fantasy.
"Kaa-san…I want to go on the Ferris Wheel with you."
The whispered desire was carried away by the wind, and he entertained the thought that his mother would hear it and respond, but the only answer he received was the sudden contact of cold water against his skin. The droplet slid down his cheek and slipped off until it descended to the ground, where it was soon joined by more rain particles.
Tilting his head back, Kaneki met the increasing downpour with a resigned apathy. The touch of water on his face chained him to the present while simultaneously exaggerating his loneliness. He stood there listlessly, wallowing in the rain's embrace as it soaked into his skin, until the sounds of raised voices and exclamations reached his ears.
He directed his gaze to the crowds. The lines dispersed like a swarm of bees, flying chaotically around him. He withheld a mournful sigh as he watched parents with their children, cradling them against their chests while they attempted to soothe their tears. He saw gentlemen scrambling to cover their ladies with umbrellas before themselves, and a few teenagers laughing in response to the rainfall, but he was invisible.
Kaneki was used to going unnoticed by the people who lived in the world outside his home. There was a constant barrier that existed to separate him from the rest of humanity. In the rain, he witnessed its corporeal form.
"But a stranger in a strange land, he is no one; men know him not—and to know not is to care not for."
He was alone.
The empty caverns of his heart only ached further as his eyes started to sting. He briefly wondered if it was from the rain or the tears that threatened to spill. Lifting a hand, he squeezed his fingers over his chest to soothe the pain only to feel the solid texture of his book, still contained within the folds of his drenched coat.
His eyes widened as a rush of fear enveloped him. His father's book! He couldn't let it get ruined. He promised to always treat these treasures with the utmost care.
Glancing around in a panic, Kaneki searched desperately for shelter. The swarm of people had disappeared entirely. The only ones remaining where the few who had decided to ride the Ferris Wheel despite the sudden weather change. He could easily survey the area around him, even though it was slightly obstructed by the thick curtain of rain, and he soon spotted a bathroom with a low overhanging arch. Wrapping his arms tightly around his precious book, he ran toward the small building and its promise of safety.
The bombardment of raindrops was interrupted by the arch when he stepped beneath its cover. Shaking his arms free of excess water and shivering from the sharp chill encasing his body, Kaneki quickly unbuttoned his coat and withdrew the novel. He ran his hand frantically along the binding and flipped through the worn pages until his mind processed that it was dry. Falling back against the wall, he released a sigh of relief.
"It's okay…," he whispered before sliding down to the cold concrete.
The young boy sat in silence as the soft patter of the rain calmed the previous panic of his mind, the tight hold he had on the book loosening. With a renewed sense of security in his pseudo-sanctuary, Kaneki removed his bookmark and trailed his finger along the text, his mind drifting away from the harsh loneliness of the rainy carnival.
Clank!
A sudden metallic clamor jolted Kaneki's attention from his book. He looked up just in time to move out of the way of a rushing elderly man. He jumped back to avoid offending him but bumped his head against the cement wall in the process.
He furrowed his brow as a sudden throbbing sensation started at the back of his skull, and he raised a hand to rub the spot, hoping to soothe it as he glanced around. The man was no longer beside him, but he could see him near the Ferris Wheel, still in a rush.
Kaneki was curious about the man, but he wondered more about what had caused that alarming sound. He placed a finger to his lips as he considered the options, and his eyes lit up when they landed on a nearby trash can—composed entirely of metal. Pushing himself onto his knees, his inquisitive mind compelled him to peer inside. On top of a pile of discarded paper plates and food that was already becoming acquainted with flies, he saw a bent soda can.
Ohh…that makes sense! That man probably didn't realize how hard he threw it. He seemed distracted by something. Maybe he was running late?
As soon as his mind registered that question, Kaneki froze. How long had he been reading? He noticed that the rain had finally stopped, but had it been more than an hour?
Oh, no…Oh, no, no, no…Kaa-san is going to be so mad at me!
Still slightly imbalanced after hurting his head, Kaneki stumbled to his feet. Dracula was clutched securely to his chest once more as he walked with hurried steps away from the sanctuary of his arch and the allure of the Ferris Wheel toward the designated meeting place.
Maybe he would be early! Or, at least, he would only be a few minutes late and his punishment wouldn't be as severe because he tried hard to meet her on time.
He really, really hoped that he hadn't just ruined his mother's entire evening. The mere thought of it was worse than any form of discomfort he felt from the cold, wet clothes still clinging to his tiny frame.
When the orange glow of the Jack-o-Lanterns came into view, Kaneki anxiously examined the vicinity for any sign of his mother. His search came up empty, and for once, he was grateful knowing she wasn't there. It meant that he still had a chance to prove how good and obedient he could be—and he would prove that by waiting patiently for her.
The young boy walked closer to the pumpkins until he found a dry bench. He hopped lightly onto it and barely settled into the new spot before he was again absorbed by the vampire adventure in his hands. Swinging his legs with simple contentment, the festive lights illuminated the text as he read under their orange glow.
It was a shame that it had rained on a day when people were meant to be wandering outside and enjoying the many thrills the festival had to offer. He hoped his mother wasn't too disappointed by the shift in the weather. He longed to spend time with her, but more than that, he just wanted her to be happy. She was so stressed all the time, from working three jobs and worrying about her sister to taking care of him, with all the difficulties he presented from his selfishness.
Perhaps the carnival was the perfect place for her to regain that spark she had lost the day his father left them. Maybe…maybe one day Kaneki would be enticed from his room by the salivating aroma of her hamburger steaks. He would enjoy the treat, a beaming grin on his mother's face to match his own. When he finished, he would help by cleaning the dishes and thank her repeatedly before being tucked into bed, her arm nestled securely around him as he fell asleep against her warmth.
If only kaa-san could be happy again…
Kaneki sighed wistfully, leaving his mournful thoughts behind to discover that he hadn't been paying any attention to his book. His eyes had read the paragraphs, but his mind hadn't processed any of it. Clicking his tongue, he decided he would have to start over and skimmed the page until he rediscovered the last place he had comprehended.
Here we go!
The boy blew out an excited breath as he pulled the novel closer, only for the text to be blocked by a sudden shadow. He gasped, curling his fingers securely around the beloved story as he hesitantly lifted his head, half-hoping to see his mother, but that unrealistic possibility died when he took in the sneering faces of four older children looming over him.
His eyes widened with fear and apprehension. Why was it that he could only be seen by those who wished him harm?
"Hey, kid. Whatcha got there?" the tallest one asked, his muscular build imposing as he stood with his arms crossed.
Kaneki felt the racing of his heartbeat, like a hummingbird flying through his veins. He inhaled sharply, trying to catch his breath, but only succeeded in swallowing the biting chill of the night air. The sudden intrusion irritated his throat and resulted in a mild coughing fit. He pressed one hand to his neck in an attempt to soothe the pain.
"Ew! He's sick and coughing all over us. We're gonna catch a disease!"
The other boys nodded in agreement with their ringleader, condescending grins on their faces as they all took a step away from him. Did they think he was disgusting? Was his presence similar to that centipede he found earlier, only seen as something poisonous and repulsive?
"You know…since you're dying and all, maybe we should take that book off your hands."
A hand reached toward the novel held loosely in his small grasp, and Kaneki immediately yanked it away, hopping off the bench to create distance between the older boys and his father's memories, but their legs were longer than his. His great escape was cut off by a circle of malevolence.
He glanced around in a panic, each of their faces promising pain. He bowed his head in a practiced form to lessen the damage of their inevitable blows, repeating the familiar mantra in his head.
It's better to be hurt than to hurt others…It's better to be hurt than to hurt others. I'm a kind person. That is enough for me. If they hurt me, it will be okay.
"Come on!"
"We just wanna take a look at it!"
No…
Kaneki held the book tightly against his chest, knuckles whitening as tears pooled in his eyes.
You can hurt me all you want…but please don't take this.
"Why would you bring a boring ol' book to the fair anyway?"
"Only a nerd would do that!"
Each word widened the wound in his chest, the muscles of that beating organ constricting to keep him alive. He didn't like what they were saying. He couldn't bear to hear any more of it. Maybe…just this once, he could escape the person who wished him pain.
He needed to flee anyway. He couldn't let them take his father's book.
Tilting his head up slightly, Kaneki noticed the brutish boy moving closer, but that left a gap in their circle. This was his chance!
Mustering up as much courage as he could in his little body, he shoved past the boy and hastened toward the exit, where he spotted a small collective of people. He would be safe if someone else was around.
Through the blur of his tears, he didn't see the stack of pumpkins in front of him—their orange glow only processed in his mind after he had already tumbled into them. Giant gourds fell around him as he landed in the mud, the wet earth seeping into his already damp clothes.
Kaneki felt a throbbing sensation in his knee and nearly cried out in pain until the laughter reached him. He recoiled, curling up on the pavement as their cruelty and the humiliation pounded into his head. The tears were forming faster, cascading relentlessly down his stained cheeks as he cried helplessly into the mud.
Kaa-san…Kaa-san…where are you? Please save me…Tou-san, someone…please.
"Don't you dare touch that."
A stern voice rose above the incessant laughter, pulling Kaneki out of his hopeless misery. Choking back another sob, he lifted his head to see an older girl standing nearby. She was vaguely familiar, but what stood out to him was the ferocious expression she wore. Her eyes were incensed, and her fists were clenched, inciting him to tremble in fear. That look eerily resembled the one his mother often directed at him.
"Alright, that's enough. Time to leave him alone."
Kaneki glanced to the side to identify the other speaker. When his gaze fell onto that vibrant shock of orange hair, his eyes widened. He recognized him as the one with the boisterous laugh and sorrowful eyes. He appeared to be threatening his adversaries, standing before them with an intimidating posture. Was that person…trying to help him?
When the boys dashed away, Kaneki blinked, unable to comprehend the miraculous scene in front of him. Had someone actually saved him? Or…were they going to be even worse?
…They'll be worse. This is how it always goes. No one will ever save me.
Lowering his head in defeat, Kaneki felt another onslaught of sobs making their way to the surface, but he stubbornly tried to hold them back as he pushed himself onto his hands and knees. Crying wouldn't get him out of this situation. It would be better if he didn't resist and let it happen quickly. If they wanted to hurt him, he would get out of the mud and make it easier.
As soon as they finished, he would wait patiently for his mother and conceal his pain from her, just as she taught him.
Another tear rolled over the cusp of his eye, and he was prepared to catch it when the chilling sight of a knee lowering to the ground stopped him.
Kaneki gulped. Despite his preparations, he was never ready when the inevitable moment arrived. He was staring at the tormentor who would leave him injured and sobbing in the mud all over again.
Resigning himself to his fate, Kaneki slowly lifted his head. He was curious which one would do the honors.
He paused. Smiling tenderly at him was the same boy with whom he felt that strange connection—the shadow hiding among a field of lilies. That ethereal being was kneeling in front of him, steel eyes warmly inviting with the promise of understanding while an emptiness lingering beneath those irises forebode excruciating agony.
The slow movement of a single hand raising toward him caused the boy to reflexively retreat, holding his arms protectively around his muddied form as he eyed the offered appendage with building apprehension. It was time, wasn't it?
"It's alright. Will you let me help you up?"
…Help?
Kaneki shuddered, confliction coursing through him—what was he supposed to do? Wasn't this person there to inflict pain? How could he speak so kindly and torment him with the false hope of gentleness?
These people would hurt him. He knew that…but then, why did they save him? None of this made sense. No one ever came to his rescue. That only happened in stories.
He wasn't supposed to talk to strangers either. That was his mother's rule, and she trusted him to obey it. If she saw him with these people, she would be furious.
I can't disobey her…and I know they want to hurt me.
But looking again into that man's eyes, obscured by rectangular rims, Kaneki felt a flicker of trust. He was terrified of the consequences that would follow taking that offered hand, but it drew all the air from his lungs when he envisioned this gentle soul beating him. He wanted to believe in those reassuring words that it was alright.
Shame crawled under his skin as he lowered his head and hesitantly slid his hand into the outstretched one. He felt fingers gently curling over his skin and a light pressure that encouraged him to stumble to his feet.
Droplets of murky water dripped from his face and clothes onto the pavement, a cold breeze stinging across his small form. He shivered, but there was comfort in that loose hold. Warmth radiated from the stranger's touch. Glancing briefly at their joined hands, Kaneki's shame magnified as he realized how desperately he didn't want this man to hurt him…and how much he didn't want to let go.
I'm the worst child…
He lowered his gaze to the heaviness of his shoes and the added weight from the mud coating. His laces were grey when he tied them at home, the white color faded after excessive use, but now they were covered in that murky brown substance. Would his mother be angry when she saw the damage he had done?
The voice of the intimidating female lifted him from his internal musings, but he kept his gaze locked on the ground. He wouldn't risk her fury by daring to look in her eyes. He noticed her walking closer and leaning forward slightly, extending a familiarly worn book out to him.
"This must be very special to you."
Kaneki's eyes widened, the stinging sensation starting anew when he realized that he had forgotten about his father's novel. That book was his most precious possession, but he had dropped it on the lonely ground and abandoned it. He hadn't protected it…He owed these people so much for saving it for him.
He realized a moment later that the older girl was waiting on him, so he nodded. Lifting his free arm, the boy reached for the soothing spine and closed his fingers around it, gingerly drawing it back toward himself where he tucked it securely against his chest.
"There's a lot of monsters in real life too, aren't there?"
Kaneki's frown deepened, the pain in his knees and chilled body reminding him of the cruelty that had been inflicted upon him. He didn't wish any ill will upon the vicious boys…but there was a part of him that agreed with her statement. They were monsters.
"Plenty of humans were monstrous, and plenty of monsters knew how to play at being human."
A spark of wonder and curiosity ignited in the boy as he finally lifted his head to her. She knew Dracula. And it wasn't only a vague familiarity. This woman must have been invested in the story to be able to quote it so perfectly and effortlessly.
However, Kaneki's moment of awe halted when he noticed that her eyes were trained directly on the man beside him, and, glancing up at the taller individual, he saw that he was returning the look. They seemed to be exchanging one of those silent conversations he had read about in a few of his books. Was there a secret code?
Furrowing his brows, he flitted his grey gaze between the two, suddenly determined to understand the hidden message. The investigative side of his brain flared to life—it felt as if he was part of a mystery novel.
Could it be connected to the quote? Was she trying to say that this tentative security he had developed with this person was doomed for failure because he was a monster as well?
If that was the case…he wouldn't be surprised. Everywhere he turned, there was someone who sought to hurt him.
His brief moment of excited respite from the dark recesses of his mind ended almost as quickly as it had come.
Kaneki's head lowered once more, eyes drifting dismally to the rain-soaked pavement.
The sound of voices reached his ears, but he was too caught up in his grief to process anything being spoken until the girl directly acknowledged him again.
He blinked. Lifting his dull gaze, he tried to register the words that were aimed in his direction. Someone had asked him a question. Something to do with drinks. He didn't entirely know what was being asked, but he remembered his mother's words about strangers. He also didn't want to take anything from these people. He wasn't supposed to want in the first place.
"Um…I-it's okay," he started, the fear he felt in his heart slipping into his voice. "I don't need anything."
"Aw, come on." The loud voice of the bright, imposing individual stole his attention and he hesitantly turned his head to stare at him. "I don't mind. I was about to get something for myself anyway."
Kaneki's eyes widened, but he tried not to show the influx of apprehension. Those words reminded him of the tests his mother often posed, to ensure he understood his place.
Don't ask for anything…Don't ask, Kaneki. He's trying to trick you.
But as he continued to gaze into those intense, blazing eyes, he suddenly feared for the opposite: what horrors would happen if he refused?
What am I supposed to do, Kaa-san?
As he internally struggled with this dilemma, the memory of the coffee cart floated to the front of his mind. Just the thought of that enticing and warm aroma helped to calm him.
Lowering his eyes to the pavement, he scuffed his shoe against the gravel as he quietly mumbled, "…I like coffee."
"Coffee?!"
Kaneki flinched, his body shrinking in on itself in response to the appalled exclamation. Why did he have to open his mouth? Why was everything he did wrong?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I don't want coffee! I don't need it! Don't get me anything, please. I'll be good and happy without it!
"Coffee it is!"
He blinked.
Huh?
He…wasn't angry with him?
Kaneki's confusion only doubled when he observed that kind grin and heard him usher away the female high schooler, all supposedly in an attempt to make him less afraid.
That man was doing something for his sake. Why?
His silent question remained unanswered as he watched the pair disappear into the fairgrounds, the carnival music and lights welcoming the radiant addition of the teens.
"Would you like to sit?" a soft voice asked from above him.
Kaneki blinked, gasping quietly under his breath. He had forgotten that he was still in the presence of the man who had kindly offered him his hand. He felt ashamed of his absent mind and timid about being alone with anyone besides his mother, but the man's hand, which he realized was still holding his tiny one, was warm and comforting.
The young boy couldn't understand the situation he had found himself in, but he shamefully didn't want to leave it.
What if…his mother saw him like this and hurt him for it?
Kaneki's eyes widened and he swiftly ripped his hand out of the loose grasp. He knew he should not be there with this person, but he realized he couldn't handle being on his own while he waited for her. He would face his punishment for it when she finally found him, but he wouldn't do anything further to incite her fury. He would be a good boy in all regards, except this one.
Decision reached, he turned his head to survey his surroundings and found a bench behind them that was similar to the one he had been sitting on when those children arrived. He didn't know how much he was allowed to say to his protector, so he simply nodded.
When the man turned and led the way to the chosen destination, Kaneki followed him, his slow steps sluggish due to the cold and his surmounting anxiety. He held his precious book tightly to his chest, the familiar texture of the binding offering comfort as he entered the unknown.
"Are you alright?"
The man's deep voice broke the silence that fell over the pair as they settled onto the slightly damp bench. Kaneki nodded, keeping his gaze trained on the one item in his possession and running a protective hand across its title.
"…yeah. I-I'm just glad it wasn't ruined. I…was worried it would be."
"Dracula?"
Grey eyes widened, shining with unexpected delight as the boy marveled at the sudden camaraderie he felt. "…have you read it?"
"I have," the man replied simply.
Kaneki lifted his head slightly but kept his eyes directed down. He didn't want to push his luck, especially when he had a chance to talk to someone about his special book.
"It's one of my favorites," he revealed shyly. "My dad gave it to me."
"I see."
The response had such a note of finality to it that Kaneki didn't know if the conversation was meant to continue, but he wasn't ready for it to end yet. "Is it…I mean, do you have a favorite?"
That seemed to amuse the man, as he chuckled lightly in response. "Me? No. I'm afraid I would never be able to choose. I've read so many and am very fond of them all."
Kaneki finally found the courage to lift his gaze, observing the man's profile as his steel irises observed the clouds overhead. "How many?"
The man shrugged, as if the conversation were as simple as discussing weather changes. "Hundreds."
"Hundreds…" Kaneki breathed, once again finding himself in an astonished stupor. That was more than he had ever read. He wondered if he could reach that amount one day.
The unnamed figure met Kaneki's gaze then, but he was instantly seized by instant shame and tore his eyes away. However, that awe and curiosity inspired by this man tugged at his mind. Fighting against his natural flight response, he hesitantly lifted his head once more and returned the man's captivating stare.
The man didn't say anything, though. Only continued to regard him silently, an odd look crossing his face the longer he maintained eye contact. There seemed to be…a spark in his eyes. As though the desolate wasteland where he existed had finally discovered the smallest flicker of hope.
When the man blinked, the spell was broken.
Kaneki settled into the bench once more, wondering what discovery had transpired in that moment. His protector was certainly full of mysteries and, possibly, a vast inner world that remained hidden.
"You said your father gave you that book," the bespectacled individual inquired, indicating the thick volume clutched between his small palms. "Is he around here somewhere?"
Kaneki felt his face fall. He swung his legs idly through the air as the weight of that reality set in as it always did at the mention of his deceased parent. "…no. Just my mom. She's meeting me over here soon."
A gentle smile curved along the older teen's mouth, and Kaneki felt his sadness ease. "Will she mind me waiting here with you?"
The dark-haired child felt warm and nervous, as if he had been caught. His mother had warned him about strangers, but this person had protected him and showed an interest in his life. He wasn't awful for speaking to this man…was he?
"I-I don't know. I hope not."
His uncertain answer wasn't questioned, which the boy appreciated. Another silence fell over them, then, one that didn't make him feel anxious or as though he was missing out on a rare opportunity. It contained a calming stillness, which was increased when Kaneki followed the high schooler's gaze to the electrifying life of the carnival, considering both the poetic nature of the setting and the paradox beside him.
"How good and thoughtful he is; the world seems full of good men – even if there are monsters in it."
He glanced at the person overtaking his thoughts only for those intense eyes to suddenly land on him, and he quickly looked away. His grey eyes widened, however, as he spotted two recognizable figures emerging from the carnival grounds, matching smiles on their faces. He felt his lips lift slightly at the comforting sight. They seemed so cheerful, although he had observed that all three of these teenagers carried a secret sadness. What were their reasons for concealing their pain?
"Here you go, kiddo," the vibrant individual announced, holding out a styrofoam cup filled with a steaming brown liquid.
Kaneki couldn't deny that he was excited to try the coffee, but even as he reached up to accept the offered beverage and lifted the cup to his lips, he questioned if he was being naughty. Would his mother hate him if she realized he had gone behind her back?
However, as the first drop of the warm liquid touched his lips, Kaneki's anxiety disappeared, replaced by the delicious flavor of the coffee. The taste was somewhat bitter, but there was a faint nutty component that smoothed the passage of the beverage through his mouth and down his throat, leaving only the most extraordinary sensation in its wake. He could feel the warmth spreading throughout his entire body, a gentle flame that flickered inside him and soothed his internal wounds.
He adored coffee.
Glancing at the three students gathered around him in their matching uniforms, he felt another moment of immense gratitude. Not only had they helped him when those children antagonized him, they had introduced coffee into his life, freely offered with no expectations or admonishments. The rising warmth he felt wasn't merely a result of the hot beverage, he reasoned—it was happiness. These people…made him feel happy.
Easing the cup away from his mouth, he lowered it and smiled brightly at his generous rescuers. "It's really warm. Thank you!"
Thank you so much for showing me such kindness.
"Hey, don't mention it."
"Cheers!" the girl declared, taking a sip out of a similar cup.
Kaneki wondered what drinks the rest of them had ordered. If it weren't for the chilly air nipping at his nose, he would have a better chance of picking up on the distinctive aromas, but as it stood, he could barely smell anything. At the reminder of his cold state, he wrapped his hands more securely around his coffee and held it against his chest.
"Fura-kun got you a cider."
The boy's eyes followed the path of the cup as it was passed from one male to the other. He didn't know that cider was an option. He certainly didn't regret his choice to ask for coffee, but he couldn't help wondering how the cider would taste.
Oh, no! I'm being too greedy.
Kaneki hurried to bury those thoughts as he took a generous gulp of his coffee, flinching slightly when the hot liquid hit his tongue too quickly.
As he honed back in on the conversation, he realized that the teenager beside him had been eager to try the cider and wasn't partial to the taste of the carnival coffee. The boy furrowed his brow when he heard that, glancing down at his own steaming beverage. What was wrong with it?
"I'm just a glutton for punishment, I guess," the girl stated dismissively before training her eyes on him. Kaneki reflexively shrunk under her gaze. "What do you think of it?"
"Uh-um…it's good! It's really good."
"Aww, you're such a sweetheart!" she giggled, one hand held over her mouth.
Kaneki felt his cheeks burn and instantly forced his eyes down. How was he supposed to take that comment? Was she laughing because she thought what he said was funny or because she was complimenting him?
He didn't know how to react to either one. It was much safer to stare into his coffee and admire the reflection of the carnival lights in its translucent surface.
"But the children knew, as I'm sure you know, that the worst surroundings in the world can be tolerated if the people in them are interesting and kind."
The reclusive boy was torn from his thoughts when the wind picked up speed and cut across his form, wrapping him in a chilled embrace. He shivered intensely, clutching his cup more securely, the warmth radiating through his frozen fingertips.
"This is nice," the girl announced shortly after, a content sigh passing her lips.
Kaneki wished that he could agree.
If his clothes weren't soaked, perhaps he wouldn't be feeling so miserable, which was the opposite of what he wanted in that moment, surrounded by tranquilly glowing faces.
These people were incredible.
Then the orange-haired man, the one who started it all, directed another question at him. "So, how long you been drinking coffee?"
Kaneki felt himself gasp lightly and quickly lowered his head, the shame returning as he reflected on the violation he had committed against his mother's rules. "…not very long."
How could he continue to drink this? When he had mentioned his desire for coffee, it had been impulsive—without thought. Now that he was reminded of his crime, any drink he took of the beverage would be a blatant act of disobedience. He couldn't live with the guilt of following through with such an atrocity.
As subtly as he could without appearing rude or ungrateful, Kaneki lowered the coffee cup and placed it in his lap, mind made up. He wouldn't indulge in another sip.
He felt suspicious eyes on him and inwardly recoiled, his breath quickening with the fear he felt. Did they know what he had done? Could they tell after so little time with him that he was a terrible child?
Nervously, he looked to the nameless figure beside him, and as he stared into those steel blue eyes, a sudden longing consumed him. He wanted someone to deny these fears—someone to say he could be worthwhile even if he was grotesque. Was it impossible for this person to provide that?
"You like cider at all?" the girl asked.
He glanced at her then returned his attention to its previous subject. "…yes?"
"You should let him try yours, Arima-kun!" she suggested excitedly.
Arima…was that this person's name, then?
Arima gave her a look he didn't quite understand before seeming to relent and extending his cider to him.
"Would you like to?"
"Oh…" Arima didn't look keen on the idea. Maybe he felt pressured by the girl to offer it to him. It wasn't necessary for him to share, especially with a child he barely knew. Kaneki didn't want to inconvenience anyone. "A-are you sure?"
The high-schooler simply nodded.
Still apprehensive, Kaneki slid closer and tentatively reached for the cup. Holding it firmly between his palms, he took a nervous sip, the liquid barely touching his lips before he pulled it away. The honeyed flavor of apple met his tongue, mixing with the harmonious blend of spices. He stared in wonder at the cup, amazed that something so sweet could taste this delicious. Without thinking, he returned the cider to his mouth and took another, more generous gulp.
"It's great," he declared, returning the cup to its owner. Once he realized how exuberant appeared, he immediately flushed, adding sheepishly, "That's…well, it is better than the coffee."
He didn't like to admit it since he had been fascinated with coffee for the past few months, but the cider was wonderful. It didn't have the strange acidic flavor the coffee carried. Did it always taste that way or was it how the carnival venders made it specifically that created that?
Another laugh came from Arima, the lines of his face softening with the action. "That's very true."
"It's actually a really good cup of cider," the other male added.
Kaneki turned to him, narrowing his eyes slightly as he tried to recall the name the girl had used to refer to him when he initially gave the cider to Arima.
Fury…Furiku…Fura-kun! That's it!
The boy beamed, mentally congratulating himself for remembering. So, they were Fura and Arima. He was yet to learn the girl's name, but maybe if he continued to listen, they would tell him. He didn't want to bother anyone by asking such a personal question.
His plans were cut short, however, when he spotted a figure that he would recognize anywhere hovering near the mess of pumpkins and mud he had made earlier. His mother had finally arrived.
"Oh, there's my mom!"
In delight, the boy grinned and leapt from the bench, the hot coffee threatening to spill over the sides of his cup with the movement, but in his rush, he barely noticed.
How long has she been waiting for me?! She must be cold!
Before he ran off, he remembered his book. Turning, he lifted it from the bench and hugged it tightly, smiling shyly at Fura and the girl before looking to Arima—the one he felt an indescribable connection to. He didn't want to lose this bond he had formed, so, in a small yet hopeful voice, he suggested, "Maybe I'll see you here again and we could sit and talk about some more books."
He wasn't sure what he expected, but the softness in the man's gaze hinted at an answer before the uplifting words reached him. "I'd like that."
Kaneki beamed, hopeful for the day when he could see this person again. For the first time in a long time, he was excited about the future. He had never felt this excited with anyone outside of his family, but the connection he felt with Arima reminded him of that same comfort. He couldn't wait.
He turned, then, half-wishing he could stay longer and half-wanting to move faster so that he could be in the comforting presence of his mother.
"Wait." The man called behind him.
Confusion and curiosity pulled Kaneki back, compelling him to face Arima eagerly.
"Kitahara Hakushū," Arima began. "He's a favorite poet of mine. You should read him sometime. If we ever happen to see each other again, let's talk about it."
Kaneki's face brightened further, his eyes sparkling with happiness as he nodded. "I won't forget!"
A giddy jump in his step, the boy finally raced toward his mother, small legs incapable of matching the speed he desired. He wanted desperately to run into her arms and regale her with the details of the kind individuals he had met that day.
When he finally reached her, he smiled up at her with overwhelming excitement. "Kaa-san! Guess what? I just met these incredible people! They were so nice!"
The silence that loomed over his final exclamation gave the boy pause as he shrunk back and stared warily at his mother. The tension in her jaw and seething fire in her eyes explained her reaction to his news—she was furious.
Kaneki felt his chest tighten in apprehension of the inevitable.
I knew it…I should have listened.
"So, you disobeyed me and talked to strangers? Ken, what have I told you about that? And this," she ripped the styrofoam cup from his loose grip and tossed it harshly into the nearby trash can, "I thought I made it clear that I don't want you drinking coffee. You're only five! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Because your actions are hurting me."
He hung his head in shame, sniffing lightly as he felt the weight of his horrible actions. Perhaps it would have been better if he never accepted help out of the mud.
His mother clicked her tongue, before grabbing his hand and pulling them toward the carnival exit. "Let's go home. You need to understand what you did wrong, and I can't explain it here."
The boy followed obediently behind his mother, all thoughts of the day's indescribable encounter slipping from his mind as he accepted the fate that awaited him behind the door of their home.
Sunlight streamed through the open window, a warm breeze caressing the sheer curtains of the elementary classroom and encircling the young adolescent as he read silently at his desk, entirely entranced by the beautiful prose in his book.
"Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye.
Four and twenty blackbirds,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
The birds began to sing;
Wasn't that a dainty dish,
To set before the king?"
Kaneki smiled at the clever rhymes as his mind wondered how the birds managed to survive the ordeal. Was there a trick to it? If he were ever in that situation, would he be able to struggle on the way the blackbirds had and burst through the cage that trapped him?
The more he read of the nursery rhymes and evaluated their meaning, the more gruesome they appeared. That was alright, though. He enjoyed reading darker stories. Somehow, they were more realistic.
As he flipped to a short rhyme near the front of the book, the solid binding was suddenly ripped from his hands.
"Ah!" Kaneki gasped; his frame frozen with shock.
"Baa, baa, black sheep," a sarcastic voice read from above him. The younger male tilted his head back to look at the figure standing above him and was met with a mocking sneer. "What's this?"
Kaneki gulped. He recognized the boy as one of the older ones from his homeroom. He often made fun of him for reading during their free time, but he had never physically stolen a book from him before.
A distant memory of carnival lights and a vampiric tale clutched in his hands flashed through his mind, but the images were too hazy for him to discern. The only fragment that reached him through the fog was the sound of his mother's voice, telling him to always be kind.
"It's better to be hurt than to hurt others. Kind people can be happy with just that."
Kaneki covered his fear and anxiety by closing his eyes and directing a smile at the angry adolescent. Even if he never touched the book again, he would happily take the pain.
"Well, it's Kitahara Hakushū's…," he began to explain but was cut off by another derisive question.
"Is this thing even interesting?"
Yes…it is. Hakushū's works are incredible. Everything he writes is interesting. Of course, Mother Goose isn't his original work, but he chose such a fascinating topic to translate and present to those of us here in Japan.
Kitahara Hakushū…Kaneki's favorite stories were the ones his father left behind and the groundbreaking bestseller written by Takatsuki Sen, but something about that poet's works continued to move him. Perhaps it was the melancholic symbolism he often portrayed of a man lost and searching for answers, even on the verge of death.
There was something in that tragedy that spoke to him.
It still hurt, though…that they laughed at him for enjoying such a simple pastime.
"Ah, crap!"
A booming shout echoed from the back of the classroom, followed by the sound of splashing water.
"My desk!" the older student instantly dropped Kaneki's book, trudging aggressively toward his flooded desk. "Nagachika, you jerk! What are you doing?!"
"My bad!"
The situation with his classmate was mitigated by Nagachika Hideyoshi, a cheerful boy who was generous enough to be his friend and stand up for him against the mockery of their classmates.
As their peers were thoroughly distracted by the sudden mess, the blond moved to stand beside Kaneki, who smiled sheepishly at the eccentric individual. "Th…thank you, Hide."
Hide arched a brow, pursing his lips as he regarded the shorter boy and held the book out to him. "…You…can't you complain a little or something?"
Kaneki laughed, waving away his friend's concern. "It's not that big of a deal, so…it's okay, right…?"
He then gazed fondly at the book Hide held, feeling immense gratitude toward him. As his hand glided along the spine of the nursery rhymes, he was once again reminded of an unknown moment from his past—a moment he could not recall clearly of a distant stare and a gentle hand held out to him. He could never anticipate the sensation of déjà vu that randomly affected him.
Shrugging away the odd occurrence, Kaneki gently traced a finger across the author's name.
Kitahara Hakushū…
"The drop of milk
Which had fallen
On the light red polish
Of her nails
Made me yearn for the past
How sad is
The road man must take
The road to prison
The pebbled road down which
a police wagon creaks
I can hear so faintly
My mother and father
Awake
Whispering
Dawn after a snowfall
I climb a hill
With a fish over my shoulder
The purple flowers
In the potato fields
Are now in full bloom
We are well into spring
And I have thought of peonies
For several days now
How many years have passed
Since my eyesight failed?"
