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Chapter 24 (Shizuko)
Renji was not amused, staring at me with a deep frown. I cleared my throat and went towards the window. We were in his office at Squad Six, a day after Ichigo Kurosaki and his friends had arrived.
"You tried keeping him alive?" He asked, as if what I told him hadn't completely computed.
I nodded, "I initially had stayed to perform Konso on both of them. But—"
"Don't say anymore," He was furious. Just like the men of my Squad, he was very un-ceremonial and didn't even attempt to hide it. Instead, he clenched his fists together and stormed up to me, "You've gone against your orders and you come and tell me? What kind of idiot does that, Shizuko?"
"The idiot who trusts that you will pass this information to the right people—"
"You mean Rukia."
"I didn't mean the other Kuchiki."
"You want me to completely ignore your insubordination and contribute in it, too?" He exclaimed, "He's my Captain!"
"He's Rukia's brother. He's my Head Clansman—do you see me turning tail because of that? Byakuya may have a few fancy titles but he's just a man, like the rest of us, Renji." I turned away from the window and to him, "Tell him or don't tell him. I don't care because I don't regret what I did. My orders were to arrest Rukia Kuchiki—they were not to kill two innocent souls that got caught up in the crossfire."
"Got caught up in the—" He choked on the words, "What the fuck are you smoking? He's the whole reason why Rukia is going to die!"
He had yelled so loud that my ears rung. We both stared at one another. The air was thick with silence. He took a step back and leant against his table. His shoulders leant forward, just like my mother's. I knew now that this was what guilt looked like to a person who wore it long enough. The shadows playing just behind their gaze, the way they seemed to be paralyzed by the regret and lack of closure gnawed at them.
"And what about us, Renji?" I asked quietly. He looked up at me as I walked toward him, "Did we not play a part of this?"
"It's different—"
"No. No it's not. Ichigo may have taken her powers but at least he had been there for Rukia—leaving was her choice." I sat on the table beside him. I stared at my feet for the longest time before continuing, "I let her down too, Renji. She came into this Clan without an idea of the jackals that lurk in the shadows of our family—I knew this but I didn't try helping her. I don't know what happened between you two…but I suspect it's very similar. You feel guilty for leaving her when she needed you most."
I didn't look up at him. I suspected by the way he held onto the edge of his desk that he was either crying or trying not to. His knuckles were white.
"She thinks Ichigo died because of her," I whispered, "Which means that if they fail to save her before her execution…she'll die with an unnecessary guilt weighing her down."
"I'll tell her," He said through gritted teeth. I looked up at him, surprised that he was looking down at me through unshed tears.
I smiled and bowed my head, "Lieutenant."
I was making my way to the Squad Six prison wards when I came across my captain, Byakuya, and Captain Ichimaru. They all seemed to be talking intently because neither of them noticed me initially as I stepped aside and bowed. I thought that it perhaps was about Ichigo and the Ryoka. As it turned, it was about pointing the finger at one another—particularly Kenpachi and Byakuya.
"And what does a commoner like you know about nobility?" Byakuya asked as he turned around.
"I'm a keen observer. Helps when you have two of your Clan's leftovers in my squad."
I pressed myself against the wall, struggling to keep my eyes trained on the floor. I so badly wanted to look up and gauge Byakuya's reaction, but I also was desperate to sink into the ground.
"If you want, I could help you out," My Captain continued with a low laugh, "I could always execute the criminal before the date—help you out—"
"I don't think you have the skill to behead a noble of high standing," Was Byakuya's response.
"Would you like to find out?"
"I don't think that's necessary—"
"Oh yeah?"
Just then, a wind whipped my hair back and a flash of movement had me looking up. Hand on my zanpakuto, I watched as Captain Ichimaru tie up my captain and flash-step to another rooftop.
He grinned and yelled loudly, "My apologies, Captain Kuchiki! I didn't mean to rile you two up!"
And then he was gone. I stood stock-still, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I was still staring at the spot where the two captains had been when Byakuya turned to carry on walking. It was only then that he noticed me—and it seemed now it was his turn to sink into the ground.
His eyes flicked down to my half-drawn sword. I hastily slid back into its sheathe and bowed my head. My hands needed something to hold onto, and my wedding ring was an adequate alternative to my sword and sheath.
"Captain Kuchiki," I murmured as he walked past.
I began to walk towards the prison cells when his voice stopped me, "You won't be seeing her."
I stopped in my tracks and contemplated the consequences of me arguing the point. But then again, what good would it do for me to see Rukia? I couldn't say anything to her about Ichigo in front of the guards posted by her—and I highly doubted she wanted to see me right now.
"I was just with Lieutenant Abarai," I answered, "I was on my way to my Squad grounds."
"If you can call that a squad," He said in the closest way that Byakuya could scoff.
I bit back my retort, which didn't seem to satisfy him. He waved me on to follow him. I reluctantly did so—back to his office where he had me serve us tea. He set a stack of papers beside me and started signing them one by one.
The tea was too strong, having been brewed for an offensively long time. Still, the warmth was comforting and I became lost in my own thoughts as I held the cup in my hands. For reasons that I couldn't explain, my eyes began to prick with tears.
A white handkerchief slid across the table. I didn't need it quite yet and so I left it there on the table. Instead, I reached into my kimono and placed the kenseiken on the table. It clinked softly against the wood with a pure, clear sound which made Byakuya glance up.
"It's yours to keep," He murmured.
"I don't want it," I replied.
He set his brush down. The silence that emanated from him was one of anger. When I finally looked at him, he looked to be on his last thread of patience.
"Is it because of your hatred for your Clan? Or that you overhead what your captain said about you and your mother?" He asked in a dangerously low voice, "Or is it because it was me who gave it to you?"
None of those were the right answer but I was curious of what he thought of me. I apparently made a terrible impression on him quite often.
"I don't want it because I didn't earn it, Byakuya," I spoke softly. He was clearly on edge from his confrontation with my Captain, and I'm sure Rukia's situation was plaguing his mind.
He said nothing as he took the hairpiece and slid it into his kimono. He picked up the brush again and went back to signing his papers. I watched quietly for a long time until I finally summed up the courage to speak.
"What my captain said…it wasn't true," I twisted the ring on my finger, "Was it?"
"You are important to me," He replied without looking up from the document he was reading, "Your mother too."
"And Rukia?"
Now, he set down everything and looked at me again. I studied him carefully but he didn't react. It frustrated me beyond comprehension.
"You're compromised by this because of your husband's recent passing," He said calmly, "You returned to work too—"
"She is your wife's sister!" I hissed, setting my cup down with a finality. He didn't say anything as I continued to berate him, "It's your duty to protect her—but all I see you doing is allowing her to be hurt—"
"This is different from your situation, Shizuko—"
"I know that, Byakuya," I said through gritted teeth.
His condescending tone rubbed me up the wrong way but he paid no attention to that. I stared at him for a long time. He only stared back, like a walking corpse. No emotion. Nothing but a rulebook and an unbendable sense of duty. It was almost admirable.
"I'm worried about Rukia—but I'm worried about you, too," I watched as he shifted very slightly.
"There's no need for that."
"She's going to die," I put it bluntly, "Rukia—your only connection to Hisana—is going to be executed—"
"Yes. She is."
The tears finally left my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was hiding it all but it was there. The grief and pain lurked beneath his skin and perfect composure. Just like me.
"Don't do this to yourself," I begged to the man who I should have been wishing all the hurt and pain in the world to. I should have hated him and relished in this, but all I could think about was Rukia. All I could see was the young Byakuya—the one I had done anything to protect.
"Stop crying," He said through gritted teeth.
I wiped my tears away but they continued to fall slowly from my eyes. It was almost hilarious to think that I never used to cry in front of anyone. I used to be much more composed…and now…I could barely keep it together.
He came to my side of the table and grabbed my chin. His thumb brushed against my cheeks—the pad of his thumb was rough and smooth all at once. Still, the tears were replaced by fresh ones and I could do nothing but stare as he became more frustrated.
"Stop…" He mumbled. His hand lay uselessly against my cheek.
Finally, I caught his hand and he froze. His jaw was clenched tightly and his gaze was guarded. I leaned up and pulled him into my arms. He tensed as I lay a hand on his back, but relaxed a little as I spoke to him.
"You told me to cry if I needed to."
I blinked as my limbs felt heavy. His arms shifted and hooked underneath me. My head rolled back and I struggled to lift it up.
"I don't know how you carry these burdens," I shut my eyes and suddenly felt so tired. My voice was thick with drowsiness as if my tears had acted more like sleeping pills. "You don't need to stand alone in this, Byakuya…"
"You need to rest," He stood up with me curled up against him. Everything became a blur and I watched as the Seireitei flashed below us. Finally, we were in my apartment and Byakuya set me down on my futon.
"Sleep well, Shizuko," he murmured as I curled into the soft, puffy pillows.
He stood up to leave but stopped as I whispered, "Stay."
He regarded me briefly, and I could onlu hold my hand out as my eyes began to shut. His warm, slender fingers wrapped around mine, and I heard him kneel beside me.
He spoke quietly as he lay my blankets over me, "I appreciate your concern, Shizuko. But it's too late for me to go back—I have made my choices and those choices had consequences. My burden to my family and to Hisana are mine alone to carry. I cannot ignore either one, just as you cannot ignore your need to grieve anymore—"
"Byakuya, I don't need to—"
"Your mother has been speaking to me. You haven't stopped once since Jirou passed away," His hand lay against my head as I finally drifted off, "Believe me, Shizuko, when I say that the world will still be falling apart tomorrow."
I could have sworn that he was smiling when he said this.
