Women and Children
"Make sure you do what you want to do."
Those words echoed in Jean's mind long after Mattie spoke them. For not the first time, Jean was struck by how different Mattie's view of the world was. How privileged she was in a way that Jean never had been and never could be. Mattie saw a crossroads and made a decision based on what she wanted because that was what would be best. Jean's life was not so simple.
Mattie was young and modern and did not have to worry about money. All three of those things meant that she did not see the same consequences to actions the way Jean did. Jean was constantly put in the position of making a decision based on what was needed by others: her family, her husband, her children, her employer, her church, her friends, everyone. Mattie had the luxury of doing what she wanted. She wanted to help people, because Mattie was a big-hearted girl who wanted to rescue the world from sickness and injustice, and so Mattie did what she wanted.
Jean, on the other hand, could not take the issue at hand—Christopher asking her to come to Adelaide to help with the new baby—and just think about what she wanted. She was Christopher's mother. Amelia's grandmother. They deserved everything that Jean had to give them. Christopher so rarely asked for help; more often, he shunned his mother's offers of it. He would not have asked if it were not important. And little Amelia Jean Beazley, Jean's granddaughter! Her first grandchild. And oh how Jean wanted to meet her and to spend time with her and to show her how loved she was. Jean wanted to help with the baby in any way she could.
But whether Jean wanted to move to Adelaide…well, that was another issue entirely. Wanting to help her son and be with her granddaughter were one thing. Wanting to leave Ballarat was quite different. And if she were honest, she did not want to leave. She liked her life, such that it was. She liked her work, she liked her community, and she liked the people she'd known all her life. But did she only like those things because it was all she'd ever known? Would she feel differently if she had any experience anywhere else?
Perhaps starting fresh in Adelaide would be good for her. A good adventure. She'd always wanted adventure, hadn't she? For a time, Jean thought she'd found adventure here in Ballarat thanks to Lucien. But things were…
Well, Lucien had been under a lot of pressure thanks to the difficulties created by Munro. Ever since Matthew Lawson left, Lucien had been on his own in many ways. He was now fixated with his mother's death, it seemed. And whatever else he was busy doing. She missed the way he consulted with her, asked for her help, shared his thoughts with her.
Her mind drifted back momentarily to the time when he had kissed her. She had kissed him back. But then she had pulled away and run off and they'd not spoken of it. That was for the best, of course, but it did leave her feeling strangely unfulfilled. At the time, it had felt like a sign that things were progressing and changing. She hadn't wanted anything to change. She'd been terrified at the very prospect of it.
But now that things had stagnated with Lucien so unhappy and distant and preoccupied, Jean found herself wondering if she should move to Adelaide. Mattie asked her what she wanted, and Jean hadn't thought it was that simple. Maybe it was. She wanted to be with her family. She wanted adventure. Was moving to Adelaide what she wanted?
Jean sighed to herself. She did not know what she wanted. Not really. But perhaps she should move forward, make inquiries, see about a loan and what all that would entail. Maybe things would conspire to give her a sign of what she should do. Some kind of sign to tell her whether she should stay or go. And if no sign ever came, well, she'd just have to do what Mattie said and figure out what she wanted.
