Chapter 42 (Shizuko)
Crying.
Talking.
Breathing.
It all came in that order as I came to. I could tell from the smell of fresh linen and the sponginess of the mattress beneath me that I was in Squad Four. As my mind slipped further and further away from its grogginess, I began to recognize the sounds in more clarity.
My grandmother was crying. Byakuya and my mother were talking in hushed voices.
The breathing was mine, but it was strange. Short, clear breaths mixed with long, ragged ones. I almost felt like it wasn't me that was breathing, more that my chest was inflating and deflating but no oxygen was going in or out.
I was in a state of awareness but still asleep. It took time for me to finally be able to move my fingers, but when I did I heard Sachiko gasp.
"She's waking up," She took my hand in her warm, soft ones. Warm tears dropped on my knuckles, "Shizuko, sweetheart."
I felt my mother's hand on my forehead, brushing away my hair from my face. She didn't say anything. She wasn't the kind of woman who spoke when she was worried about me—she had always been the one to silently mull and brood. Still, I could feel the slight tremble in her fingertips.
After a tremendous effort, I managed to open my eyes. I saw my mom first, who sat on the bed beside me. She smiled as our eyes met and she let out a shaky breath. Unshed tears made her eyes look glassy, and her lips were pinched together.
My grandmother was on a chair on the opposite side of the bed, and openly weeping as I did my best to squeeze her hand. I watched my mom pat her mother's shoulder in a hilariously awkward attempt to comfort her.
"Stop crying—she's fine," She grumbled though there was a catch in her voice.
As the two of them fretted over me and bickered with one another, I finally looked over to Byakuya. He was leant up against the wall beside the window, eyes shut and head bowed. He appeared calm as always, and surprisingly patient with both the women who raised me.
As my mom helped me sit up, she kissed my forehead, "How're you feeling? Can you talk?"
My tongue felt like led in my mouth, but I smiled at her, "Yeah."
Her eyebrows were scrunched up in that typical worried look she got when I hurt myself. Whenever this happened, the only thing that she would openly fret over was my hair. Her hand relentlessly fixed my hair, like I was a newborn baby.
"I'm going to give your father the news," She whispered and kissed me one last time before she pulled away, "Byakuya. Watch her please. Mom, find a nurse."
I would have laughed at the way she ran the hospital room like she did Squad Eleven, if it hadn't been for the way she smiled sadly at me. Like she was grateful.
Had I really been so close to death?
They left as quietly as they had been while in the room, leaving Byakuya and I in a silence that was barely tolerable. I looked at him again. He was looking at me now.
I leant back into the pillows and shut my eyes. I was exhausted, and I'm sure I looked like it too. My eyes felt hollowed out and my hands were a pale, faint color. The center of my chest where I had been impaled stung like salt water against an open cut. Still, as soon as I closed my eyes, I opened them again.
"Would you like the window opened?" He asked, though he was beside the bed now. I nodded. He went off to open it, but his hands curiously paused on the latch. Suddenly, he whipped around and said in a low voice, "What are you thinking?"
"I was thinking that you were surprisingly non-judgemental. Quiet and patient, which is quite uncharacteristic of you," I breathed in deeply, filling my lungs with the delicious feeling of being full, "But I can see that was almost too soon—"
"Don't get smart Alec with me, Shizuko. You could have been killed. Because you were stupid and reckless—"
"Because I was protecting my Captain?" I arched an eyebrow at him, "That's not stupid or reckless, Byakuya. That's doing my job."
"Doing your job doesn't entail that. Your job was to defeat Aizen and his Arrancars."
"I'm not talking about that job, Byakuya," I was surprised by how rattled he was. It was like staring at his young, adolescent self again—all fired up and short-tempered. As softly as I could, I spoke, "You're the Head of the Kuchiki Clan. What kind of clanswoman would I be if I let you get maimed or killed—"
"Don't justify your stupidity with something you have no interest in fulfilling. You've never given a damn about being a Kuchiki—you've been rebellious from the start."
He was just like my mother. I never saw it until now, but he lashed out just like she did when he was insecure or knocked off guard. Still, those words stung me and I lay quietly in the bed. He went back to shutting his eyes and crossing his arms.
"I care about being a Kuchiki. Just as I care about being a Kuna or an Urahara," I spoke quietly, "But you won't accept that—and I don't blame you. But…how can you not see that I gave enough of a damn to throw myself in front of a sword for you?"
He opened his eyes slightly but continued staring at the ground, "I never asked you to."
"No you didn't." I shut my eyes, "Now hush. You shouldn't be yelling at an injured person—where's your dignity?"
His blue eyes were ablaze again and he opened his mouth to whip back a snappy retort, but I interrupted him with my laughter. It seemed to wash away a bit of his bad mood.
"Byakuya…" I was out of breath just from chuckling lowly at him for a couple seconds. He came over. "Are you ever going to open that window?"
"You're impossible," He stormed over and opened it up, "Even on the brink of death you find ways to be irritating."
As he said this, he came closer to my bedside. There was a line on his brow, the one that would form when he was upset or stressed. I wasn't sure if he was actually angry with me or worried about me. Perhaps it was a little bit of both.
"A 'thank you for saving my life' would have sufficed, Byakuya."
The mattress dipped down as he sat next to me. He refused to meet my eyes—the petulant brat—and he grumpily sighed, "Thank you…Shizuko."
The breeze that came in from the window was cool and pleasant. I took a deep breath. It was something so simple yet I felt so profoundly grateful to do something as easy as breathing. I nearly died…it was something I couldn't quite wrap my head around.
We all think that we are invincible until we're proven otherwise.
"I'm assuming we won," I glanced up at him, at Byakuya. "We're still here."
"We did. He's been imprisoned now. Everyone for the most part came out unscathed." His jaw was set oddly, like he wasn't saying something because it upset him. My heart stumbled and I grabbed his sleeve.
"Are Renji and Rukia alright?" I didn't want to hear his words. I was afraid of the answer behind that face he made.
"They're fine," He pulled away, "Ichigo Kurosaki has lost his powers."
I looked down at my hands, "Oh…"
Thank you, Ichigo. I thought quietly to myself. Without him, I would have lost my family. I would have lost so much if he hadn't been the one to stand up and fight.
"Byakuya," I caught him off guard when I whispered, "I'm very sleepy…but don't leave me."
Despite pulling away earlier, he now leant closer. He reached out and pushed back my hair, his fingers trailing my hairline. I never realized how happy I would be to see him again. I never expected my heart to flutter the way it did when he touched me.
Byakuya and I both startled away from one another when the doorknob turned. My mother walked in quietly, unaware of the tension between Byakuya and myself.
"Shizuko," She peered over her shoulder, "Renji is here to see you—"
Before I could answer, Renji slipped past her and rushed towards me. I smiled at him but wasn't expecting him to grab me and squeeze me as tightly as he did. He was asking a hundred and one questions, but all I could do was remember the last thing he said to me.
I love you.
I had unknowingly stiffened in his arms, and only became aware of it when he asked me if I was alright, "Shizuko?"
"I'm fine," I smiled and hugged him back. My mother was scowling at him and shook her head at me before she made a silent exit. Byakuya was already gone.
I looked over at the window. Sunshine beamed inside through the room. Renij's body was so warm and solid and everything I remembered and craved. So why had I felt so cold?
"I'm glad you're alright," His lips pressed against my forehead. I shut my eyes but it didn't feel the same. I felt…different.
"Same," I whispered, because I was happy he came back in one piece. But as I opened my eyes and looked at him, I realized that I wasn't as sure about him as I had been before. I wasn't as sure of myself as I had been before.
Renji couldn't pick between me or Rukia. As I held his hand and curled up to him on the small hospital bed, I realized that I was in a similar dilemma.
Who do I pick?
